Corona Diaries

Adrianna

“I barely saw another soul; social distancing became an absolute breeze, and I was able to find some

headspace.”

Background Information

Female, Aged 30s, Academic, South Coast of England

April 2020

13/04/2020

So, I am eventually starting this now. I put it off for 13 days and am not really sure why. Maybe some kind

of reluctance to put (metaphorically at least) pen to paper and make this all feel more ‘real’ than it already

does. My original plan was to go back and backdate this for the whole of April and write about what I’ve

been up to so far, every day. Well, that plan crumbled fairly quickly when I realised every day is much the

same and it is pretty much impossible for me to recall what I did on particular days(!). So here, I am, three

weeks into lockdown, starting now. Better late than never? Today also marks the day we are supposed to

hear what happens next (I think?). Seeing as I am physically repulsed by Boris Johnson and his assortment

of Tory cronies, I’ll wait to hear from friends / social media thanks very much.

The first 3 weeks or so were fairly up and down. Some days I felt fine and actually had quite a decent day.

Other days felt boring, slow, lonely and full of uncertainty for the future. I live on my own in a small but nice

one bedroom flat. A typical day would be: up early, working from home, couple of virtual staff meetings and

then evenings of Netflix, actually cooking properly and maybe virtual catch ups with mates. My house is full

of plants, herbs and fresh flowers (usually I am not home enough to really care for plants). I am cooking

and baking(!) like never before. I’m doing a jigsaw for god’s sake... I’ve been exercising every day as well.

Got back into yoga and started upping my runs to 10k, interspersed with walks on the seafront. Exercise

and leaving the house becomes such a precious gift – the absolute highlight of a day that needs to be

timed perfectly. Go in the morning and it might be quieter, plus you feel good for the rest of the day, but risk

feeling bored and sick of your surroundings by the afternoon. Go at lunchtime to break up the day, maybe

(although running in any kind of heat is a struggle). Or go afternoon /evening, which generally means

feeling sluggish and slobby all morning, but it can be nice to mark the end of a day’s work (because there is

no commuting anyway, so the boundaries between work and home become so blurred and messy).

Along with exercise, food becomes everything. What will I eat today? When will I eat it? What do I need

from the shop on my once weekly pilgrimage where I queue for 45 minutes to an hour outside Waitrose?

What can I bake but then have to eat solidly every day for 10 days because I live on my own? How can I

stop worrying about putting on weight because it doesn’t really matter but I'm so conditioned by the

patriarchy to think it does? You know, the usual kinds of questions.

Reflections on Easter Weekend

Friday – went for a 10K run. Can feel myself getting stronger and more comfortable running, only just got

back into doing anything beyond a lacklustre 5k. Now I can be one of those running wankers who writes

about my running and tells everyone all about it (and yes, I re-joined Strava as well). Came home and did

some yoga just to be an extra smug git and then had breakfast and a Skype date with a new friend from

work. So, delighted to have made a new friend in adulthood, so cheers coronavirus for trying to get in the

way of that... Can’t remember what else I did, until pub quiz at 8pm with the girls from home (school

friends). I didn’t win the quiz because I never win the quiz. But I've been granted the great honour of

hosting next week (we’ve been doing this since week 1). I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about

questions. I’m that sad. I'm weirdly obsessed with the idea of having 'who is the tallest Spice Girl?’ as one

of my questions. Don’t ask me why. I bet it’s Mel B. I just checked. It's not even. It’s Mel C. Made a vegan

lemon cheesecake with tofu. It is delicious and looks great, so I put a show-offy picture on Instagram. I also

set my brand-new blender on fire.

Saturday – did a good deed but then felt anxious about it. Posted on the local corona virus Facebook

support group that I had half a massive bag of adult dry dog food, a full pack of dog dental chews and two

packs of training treats going spare and would anyone (who was struggling at the moment) like them. A

woman replies immediately so we have a brief messaging exchange and off I go to drop them off at hers. I

then start worrying, like, what if she is just scamming me and is going to flog all this stuff on eBay and make

money off my despair (the dog stuff is the result of a messy break-up earlier this year with a man with a

dog, but I won’t go into that here because I mean really how long have you got and also, I am still really sad

about not seeing the dog anymore). So, this woman didn’t mention her own dog or ask me why I had all this

dog stuff (like, my dog could have sadly passed away), she just kept saying ‘ok thanks hun’ when I was like

‘be great to see it getting used and going to a good home’.... So, I just hope she does have a dog and I

haven't missed an opportunity to actually help someone and make a difference. Maybe I should have done

some kind of audition process on Facebook – send me selfies with your dog and I will pick a winner? It’s

just so hard to know how to handle these weird as hell situations. What are the rules?

Sunday – I cycled and went for a walk today at 8am and it was amazing. I live in such a densely populated

and urban place, with very limited green space (we have the common and the seafront, but these are

usually pretty packed with people). Today I rode all the way off the island and walked up a massive hill and

to a little village with a priory. It was beautiful and the first time I have managed to ‘escape’ properly since

lockdown. I have always been a walker but used buses and trains to get to nearby places to walk from, with

proper access to the countryside and rural seaside etc. So, it felt so good to discover that with a bit of extra

work I can actually get off the beaten track myself without using public transport (for obvious reasons, I

won’t be getting a bus or train anywhere whilst all this is going on of course). I barely saw

another soul; social distancing became an absolute breeze and I was able to find some headspace.

Although my blueberries leaked all over my bag, I put my bike helmet in some dog shit and I dropped my

headphones (recovered them on the way back though), it was still pretty idyllic. Made a nice curry

and slobbed around for the rest of the day but felt OK about it.

Monday – Stayed in bed extra late (well, 9ish, which is super late for me) reading and drinking tea and

eating biscuits and then vid chatted to the family and some work people (but more of a social chat, bank

holiday and all). Ate some baba ganoush I made the other day (with some spicy sweet potato fries I also

made the other day) and reflected upon how bloody delicious it was. I mean, what if I can actually cook?!

Such a discovery! Ate some of that cheesecake. Blessing of living alone = I will eat this entire cheesecake.

Curse of living alone = I will eat this entire cheesecake.

14/04/20

A really boring day. Putting the bins out was (almost) a highlight. Work pretty boring and uneventful. Was

asked to report back on something covered in a meeting last week in a meeting today. Accidentally went

‘well I wasn’t really listening, but I think this is what was said....’. Oops.

24/04/20

OK so I learnt I’m useless at updating this every day like I planned. Anyway, I’ll try and do some kind of

update of how the last 10 days have been. Last week was Easter hols for the uni students so whilst I still

had plenty of work to be getting on with, it wasn’t the same kind of fast pace stuff as it was when we were in

crisis mode almost at the start of the lockdown. That crisis stuff was stressful, but it was keeping me nice

and busy and had some little ‘wins’ and came with more of a sense of achievement. So last week felt

harder as the days kind of seemed to stretch and it was hard to work and stay focused. I think academics

can struggle with the slower-paced, hard-thinking and research / writing sides of our jobs at the best of

times, but maybe something about the pandemic makes it harder? Like normally a quiet few workdays of

writing is do-able because maybe I mix it up with a pub trip or going out for dinner, so my brain is getting

stimulated in other kinds of ways to balance out all the... thinking... But now, there isn’t really that much to

do. The circle of my life has shrunk completely. I used to feel like I could go anywhere if I wanted to. I got

back from New Zealand in October 2019 after 6 weeks in Aus and 2/3 weeks travelling round NZ. I had

multiple friends I could call upon to hang out with. Work friends, school friends, punk/gig/festival friends,

unsuitable men I once dated... They might live in other parts of the UK but hey even better, I can travel and

visit them, or meet them in London or Manchester for gigs or go and stay with my sister and amazing

nephew in Newcastle. And maybe feel some residual guilt about flying from the south coast to the north of

England but doing it anyway. So now my circle is like.... nothing. It is as far as I can get on my bike (which

is, so far, just about off the island I live on). I can’t get a bus, I can’t drive, I can’t catch a train. The furthest

I’ve been from home in weeks is like the equivalent of a 10-minute train journey. Anyway, I went off on a

tangent but what I mean to say is, my circle feels so tiny, and my brain feels so bored that I don’t think I can

find the quiet time and space for writing or academic stuff. I mean emails and admin are tedious but at least

it keeps me busy. So, some days last week were really hard. A couple of evenings I was kind of sat on the

sofa and I felt like I couldn’t really move. It was so stupid, it’s like ‘there is a massive TV in front of you with

thousands of Netflix and BBC and whatever else things you could watch’ and ‘there is a shelf full of those

books you keep meaning to read’ etc. etc., but I just couldn't bring myself to actually DO any of it. It was this

real kind of lethargy that as a high-energy, restless person I rarely feel. Anyway, I guess maybe the

weekend was better, but I literally cannot recall a single thing that I did.

So, this week was definitely better. Students are back and work feels more... bustling again. I am less alone

with my own thoughts, by necessity. I had a more productive week at work and actually managed to do

some of the writing I was struggling so much to do the week before (ha). The last few days have felt pretty

good. I’m in a good routine (the kind I used to roll my eyes at). Up around 6.30/7 and read in bed with a cup

of tea, then go for a walk along the seafront for an hour or so before work. Then maybe a run later. The

running is going really well, but also, I am eating everything and feeling kinda bloated and lazy, strangely,

because I am being less active generally. It's fine to run but if that is all you do all day and the rest is sat at

your desk or on the sofa, it’s... I dunno. I'm also trying to be a little less obsessive over food and listen to my

body more and just eat when I am hungry and until I am full. Like mindful eating stuff. I don’t know how that

is going really. Maybe ask all the peanut butter cookie dough balls I ate this week, or the 5 crackers

slathered in butter I binge-stuffed into my face yesterday. The evenings are sometimes quite difficult, I

guess because this is when I would usually see mates. So been trying to go to bed early and read.

Anyway, I am on leave today as I am supposed to be travelling up to a punk festival in Manchester. I

walked on the seafront for 2 hours this morning, it was a beautiful sunny morning, but I was still like ‘I’m

bored of this view’. It sounds ungrateful. Maybe it is. But I was still bored. Been trying to get into some new

podcasts so I am distracted and can have some company on these lonely forays to the ocean. Ah well it’s

all good, got a hot date meeting a friend outside the church to walk to Waitrose tomorrow (very Handmaid’s

tale... did I say that already? I have made this joke lots of times to various people). And my friend sent me

some cookbooks which is nice. Oh, and my sisters sent me some fancy tea so that is amazing as well. I am

really lucky really and then when you know you are lucky you feel shit for feeling shit. Because someone

will always be so much worse off. And loads of people are worse off.

30/04/20

I had my first lockdown cry last Friday (I think... as in I know it was Friday but was it definitely my first

cry?). Anyway, I just felt a bit shitty in the afternoon (not sure being on leave is good for me at the moment)

and then had a slightly awkward conversation with some family that I just wasn’t in the mood for (yeah, I

really have to psych myself up for grandparent interactions). Anyway, after I got off the Zoom chat I just

cried for a bit. I don’t even really know why I think I just felt angry and frustrated and bored with everything.

Cycled to the supermarket and felt a bit better. Weekend was uneventful and then Monday was very busy

with work. There is something about online meetings and recording teaching/narrating PowerPoints that

just absolutely drains you. Lots of meetings (of the very pointless variety) all day on Wednesday too. The

weather has been a bit crap this week which kind of makes it harder to exercise and get outside, which is

like the only thing really helping.