Corona Diaries

Anonymous 1 “We helped him to the door – but he had to walk down the path to the ambulance. He managed it, but he didn’t look back & he didn’t wave. I didn’t see him for 7 days. It is the longest we’ve been apart in over 30 yrs of marriage.”

Background Information

As the account was submitted anonymously the background information has been drawn from the diary entry. Anon did not disclose their gender but due to the narrative portrayed it is assumed the participant is Female. Aged 54-65, Self-employed, Married, 2 children aged 29 & 30.

May 2020 30th May 2020 Wish I had started this earlier – though at the beginning ‘the beginning’ wasn’t clear! What is really not clear now is what I can - & can’t do. “Stay at home“, was clear – though I did have to keep referring to the BBC App on my ipod – I think this was more that everything was so unfamiliar. Now I am told to ‘be alert’ for what? What does alert look like? Prior to CIG nothing particularly novel had happened to me. I had grown up, got a career, got married & had children – my dad & millions of people had done the same. Then lockdown happened & no-one before me had experienced it – or at least only a matter of weeks as countries had entered lockdown before the UK. I had little in my experience of nearly 60 yr to draw on. No previous generation had done this in my family or acquaintance. Then I got the virus & it was pretty clear what I needed to do – go to bed - & stay there. When I was younger I had glandular fever – Which developed into pneumonia as well. I was 21. (I caught the glandular fever off my vicar – now that’s another story!) The C19 was far worse. I really fell ill & I was struggling to breathe. I’m not sure now why I didn’t do more – I think perhaps I was so poorly I wasn’t thinking straight - & also the unfamiliarity of the whole thing de-skilled me in some way. I’m 59, but my husband was 74 – I was very worried he would catch it. I had read all the info on the BBC News App & had even started watching the News. Not something I had done for years. I knew he was in the demographic who were more likely to die - & he was – of course – male. Men appeared to be suffering higher mortality from ‘The Virus’. (Isn’t it interesting how C19 has become THE virus, there are still lots of other viruses around still). I banished my husband to the spare bed – two floors down & I stayed in our bedroom. Something which I later very much regretted. Water & food were left by my door. I have an ensuite bathroom – so I didn’t need to leave the bedroom. Our two sons (aged 29 & 30) brought the food. I knew I should wash it up & not let the plates & more particularly the glasses & cutlery leave the room uncleared – but very quickly I was too ill to care. My sons said the heat of the dishwasher would kill the C19 – I couldn’t argue.

Looking back I had the virus I think at least two weeks before the realisation I had it. I started with a cold, but a runny nose & sore throat were not listed as symptoms. I felt unwell, but not very much so. I self isolated, but only as a precaution & for a week the boys went to work as usual. It’s frustrating now how little I remember. I do remember thinking it was a cold & that it was before lockdown. I am self employed & I was cross – no worried – or maybe both because I couldn’t earn that week. I was cross with two families I had worked with who had come for their sessions with children with heavy colds. I felt I had caught my cold because I had been in contact with them. Sometimes I work through with a cold – but sometimes not – I am a counsellor working across the life-span & I think it can be unfair to sit or work quite closely with people when I’m germy. However, all the talk about C19 was making me cautious. I didn’t think I had the virus & maybe I didn’t – maybe it was a cold – but I felt that people would be very anxious being near anyone unwell in the current climate & I cancelled everyone that week. The texts & emails couraened (sp) the disclaimer ‘I’m pretty sure this is just a cold’ or something similar. However, I think I was a little worried in case clients caught C19 & blamed me. During my self isolation week I pottered around & caught up on paperwork. Cross I couldn’t earn – but happy to – no resigned to – but slightly grateful for the chance to clear backlog. Then all of a sudden I felt worse. I was a bit hot & headachey – not feverish I told myself – just bad cold. It was at this point I began to wonder – was this perhaps ‘the virus’ – no I could taste & smell, I had no cough, I could breathe ok. But I did feel worse & we spoke as a family about going into isolation. Next day I couldn’t shake off the idea it might be C19 & isolated myself from my family. Sorry the account is muddled. It was a Friday - & I think it was the last day of school before half-term. We decided we should self isolate. My younger son was on a zero hours contract in a school & they didn’t want him back. My older son was on a contract in a warehouse & got sick pay. I got nothing because 1) I was too ill to know what to do & 2) I was now too ill to really have the energy. My younger son took over the cooking. He’s pretty good – still has a preference for young adult teenage food – but he made sure everyone ate. Then I was sick & got diarrhea. What was going on? This wasn’t in the symptoms list either. I had four days of this – during which I got very much worse & now I was pretty sure I had it! I could only face water & even nibbling on an oatcake made me sick again. I also developed an increasing temperature & felt they – the headache I hadn’t really noticed got bad – I remember wondering when had it started – but it had crept on over days. My husband was downstairs all this time & I hadn’t seen him in person for a week, though we FaceTimed – he developed the tummy symptoms about a day after me – maybe two. Was it food poisoning? We didn’t think so – perhaps we’d picked up a tummy bug – though we wondered where on earth from? By now I felt properly flu-y & had a distinct temperature. I wasn’t sweating though – so I thought it couldn’t be too bad. It slowly dawned on me to take my temperature - 38. something – what was a fever – I couldn’t remember – now I can see how ill I was – but at the time I was muddling 98.4 & 37. F & C. By now I wasn’t getting out of bed except to get to the toilet. At one point I remember thinking how amazing it was I didn’t stink, since I hadn’t had a shower in ages. Later, I realised it wasn’t that I didn’t smell – but I couldn’t smell. Sorry everyone! I could eat now, but there was no incentive to – I didn’t feel hungry & I had no sense of taste. The texture of food was horrible in my mouth. I had a cough – like the headache, it

had crept up on me - & then I couldn’t breathe so easily – my chest felt tight. Now there was a lot of symptoms & I began to feel scared. A long time ago I had issues with breathing & this brought it back. I felt scared. I phoned a friend. Did she think I had ‘The virus’. Yes she did. She’s a healer & she sent me some distance healing. I remember lying there & feeling so helpless. I was propped up in a sitting position because my chest was so tight & it was hard to breathe. I needed to go to the bathroom – but I put it off – too much effort – then when I really needed the toilet I got up & my breath suddenly sort of surged – I gasped as though I’d been holding my breath for a long time. I thought “That’s odd” - & staggered the 4 steps to the toilet – by now my breathing was okay again – phew. Then I swayed whilst washing my hands - & gratefully collapsed back into bed. When my son brought food I got up to get it - & the same weird breathing happened. Any exertion – including moving from lying down to sitting up did this for several days – but when it stopped I don’t know – it kind of faded out unnoticed in the dramas that followed. My friend had asked if I was taking paracetamol. I don’t usually take anything like this – but I had just taken my temperature & it read 39.1° C. My usual temp on that thermostat is 36.4. I thought I’d better get th e temp down so I took 2 paracetamol. I woke hours later drenched in sweat – This happened when I slept for the next three or four days, but I gradually began to feel I’d turned some kind of corner. I was still very breathless & talking on FaceTime was a bit exhausting – but the bug seemed to be on its way out ll My husband had got the cough & temperature a couple of days after me – he was sleeping downstairs & not coming up – I wasn’t leaving our room. He didn’t seem too bad on FaceTime but he said he couldn’t get warm. It was cold weather & the room he was sleeping in does get cold so I didn’t think too much about it, other than to feel guilty I had the comfy bed, Why did we not think that since we both had it that he might as well come up & be warmer? Actually I think I asked & he said he was fine downstairs, I was in the horrible sweaty stage & glad I could roll from one drenched side of the bed to the other. The following day he didn’t look so good & he was wearing his woolly hat in bed because he was so cold – he was still off his food too. I had begun to eat even though I didn’t want to as I know I needed to in order to have the energy to fight the virus. It tasted dry even when it wasn’t – & no flavour or taste. The following day he seemed to have gone ‘flat’ & I was worried. By now I was feeling a bit stronger & I thought I should see if he was as ill as I worried. We live in a 3 storey house - I did it in installments. My husband was cross – he was fine – I wasn’t to fuss. There were half finished drinks. He said he couldn’t face them. I asked our sons – Dad hadn’t been eating or drinking much. I made him have some paracetamol & asked him to come back upstairs. He was slumped on the settee with his laptop – watching something – he said he was fine but he was very cold. The heater was a couple of feet away. I asked him why he hadn’t put it on. He looked surprised – I don’t think it had occurred to him. Like me, the virus had seemed to take away his reasoning. The next day I ventured downstairs again – I was worried about him. His breathing was laboured & I wanted to phone 111. He said he wasn’t that bad. I stayed with him, but after a while he just wanted to be left – I made him a cup of tea and left. I slept & then woke with a jolt – I was really worried about him & hadn’t meant to leave him so long. I went downstairs. His breathing was worse. He seemed diminished. I phoned & was told someone would call back. It may have been an hour or so. It was horrible sitting in the same room waiting. He clearly felt really unwell & didn’t want to talk. We were told to phone our GP. This seemed really odd – I had thought we were not to contact the GP, which is why I had phoned 111. I phoned our surgery, all the time wondering if I shouldn’t be calling an ambulance. My husband was slumped on the chair.

31st May, 2020 When the GP called back she was brilliant, she sent a link so she could connect with us via video on my iphone. She watched him breathing & was unsure whether he should go into hospital or not. By now I was very sure he should & she agreed. His breathing was very laboured & he was not as conscious as he’d been. The ambulance arrived another hour later. The crew wouldn’t come into the house. We helped him to the door – but he had to walk down the path to the ambulance. He managed it, but he didn’t look back & he didn’t wave. I didn’t see him for 7 days. It is the longest we’ve been apart in over 30 yrs of marriage. Some days he was the only person on the Covid Ward. I find this quite surprising – but I was grateful because they had room for him. He was on oxygen, but not a ventilator. The phone number I had been given was wrong & at first this felt a really big thing. I was very tearful - & fearful. The numbers dying from the virus was growing all the time. I spoke to my husband yesterday after I had muddled through the first entry & said I felt that the C19 had scrambled my brain quite a bit. He thought about it & said he’d noticed it for himself. We are both people who think & articulate quite a bit & yet even now, I would say I’m not as ‘crisp’ or ‘clear’ as I was. My husband says he was unable to think & he felt distanced from things. I would agree – I still feel a bit spaced out & not particularly connected to the outside world. I read quite a bit for my work & also to prepare training – but its still a real effort – its as though the synapses are a bit gunged up & need a quick squirt of WD40. Whilst my husband was in hospital & I was worried for him, as well as still struggling with my own health, the phone number not working felt a major problem. For the first time in my life I felt old, frail & impotent. I did eventually manage to get myself onto the internet, onto the hospital website & finally to the phone number for switchboard. I had to try several times before anyone answered the phone, they were clearly in a hurry & I pictured people gasping for breath & this poor nurse rushing from one to another. The nurse said he, (my husband), was doing ok, but not eating or drinking. The same the next day, but he wasn’t so good & phoned in the evening as well as by now I was imagining him deteriorating even further. Another harassed nurse said he was holding his own, but not eating or drinking. Apparently he couldn’t face anything. The concentration of oxygen had been increased. I really wanted to ask why he was not on a drip, but didn’t feel I could. I worried all night. When I spoke to my younger son, he said “Then why on earth haven’t they put him on a drip”. I felt I had let my husband down by not asking. I waited until I thought it would be ok to ring. A male nurse answered. His English was quite poor & we had a bit of trouble understanding each other – but eventually I understood that he still hadn’t had any food or liquids. I asked if there was a reason why he hadn’t been put on a drip. The nurse said he thought it was a good idea & he’d suggest it to the consultant on his rounds. He also said I could speak to my husband on his mobile. Why hadn’t I thought? I think I thought he’d be too ill – or I would be disturbing others. I phoned his mobile & miraculously he answered. He was very weak & didn’t really want to talk. He said (when I nagged) that he just couldn’t face the food & the coffee tasted awful. I suggested that maybe he could try the tea. “Oh yes, I suppose I could”. This is another example of the kind of brain seizing up the virus does. The brain doesn’t seem to be able to be creative or problem solve.

We FaceTimed 3 times a day – 10 am, 3 pm & 7:30 pm roughly. I really dreaded those calls. He got worse & weather & more distant. There was one awful day when I felt he was giving up. Then all of a sudden he complained about having to wear a hospital gown. Wow, what a change in energy – to have enough to moan. From then on he gradually improved. He was told he could come home if his oxygen levels could maintain. Off the oxygen, it took 2 days in which time he got very frustrated. He kept asking me to be ready to come & get him & then he had to go back on the oxygen. Then all of a sudden the call came – come and get me. I hadn’t been out of the house in almost a month. Walking to our car up the back garden – (perhaps 30

feet?) was the furthest I’d walked. I felt wobbly & light headed. Fortunately I had asked younger son to

come with me though unfortunately neither son can drive. Younger son came so he could take Dad’s

clothes into the hospital foyer to be taken up to the ward so he could leave with some modesty! Younger

son could then phone me to pick them up at the door. There was a policy of no waiting for cars which

meant newly discharged patients had to stand around whilst cars drew up one at a time.

I found a space in one of the large hospital car parks. It was a sunny day. I enjoyed watching the new

leaves on the trees. It was pleasant & peaceful. I noticed the peace. It was novel too – like coming back

home after a long holiday. I’d had a month in our house but meanwhile trees had continued growing & the

season had moved perceptibly on. I am struggling to express how strange it felt. A group of people in

hospital scrubs – dark green – came & sat on the grass in front of me. It seemed on the one hand so

natural but on the other so wrong. This belonged to BEFORE – shouldn’t they be 6 feet apart or something.

Also, they were talking to each other. Most people in social distancing do so silently – hardly, even

acknowledging anyone else, avoiding eye contact even, yet here were these young medics sat together

eating their lunch & chatting. I felt sad – it was 2:30 ish – I felt they should have had their lunches earlier. I

worried for them, worried that they were having to work so hard, putting others first. Then my phone rang &

I went to collect my husband & bring him home.

I can still feel the shock of seeing him. It was like walking into a lamp post. I was in no way prepared for

how ill he looked. He was very grey, he’d lost quite a bit of weight & his face looked so different. He looked

ten years older than I remembered him. When he spoke he sounded different too. All that time on oxygen I

suppose - & the impact of the virus on his nose & throat. I felt shaken & felt like I didn’t know what to do or

say. I don’t think he did either, It felt awkward, not the reunion I had been thinking of.