Corona Diaries

Bella

“As the month progressed our lives were becoming more and more influenced by news about this virus, it now had a

name - Coronavirus...”

Background Information

Female, aged 55-64, Medically Retired, West Wales, White, Married, one grown up child.

March 2020

7/3 I went to the hairdressers today and they were talking about a virus in China. Sounded pretty nasty but

I didn’t really give it any headspace. I have to be careful what I put into this head of mine, I know that. The

girl who normally did my hair wasn’t there and when I asked about her they said she was off sick. She’d just

come back from a cruise and had developed a nasty fever, was really unwell with an uncontrollable

cough...

As the month progressed our lives were becoming more and more influenced by news about this virus, it

now had a name - Coronavirus. My nephews ran in from school on the 10/3 and were all excited to tell me

the school maybe closing and they were going to have a few weeks off because of the virus. Hooray they

shouted as they jumped about the place so full of life and happiness. As I took in what they were saying ,

my anxiety started taking over, Coronavirus was slowly invading my every thought. Someone ate bat stew

in China and suddenly the world is going to end!! Sounded like a horror film but this was no film that we

could just switch off. As the days rolled by, I started watching the daily briefings by the Prime Minister as

he kept saying to wash our hands giving the impression that was all that was required to halt this disease.

But this was a fast moving nightmare.

Just a week later the Prime Minister was suggesting we should avoid non-essential contact with others and

school closures looked like an unthinkable reality. We had a family meeting to discuss childcare as I had

my granddaughters two days a week and made tea for the twins almost every day after school. That was

my role, my main focus in life since my own personal nightmare of 5 years ago. We decided to carry on as

we were, but making sure we washed hands and no kisses or hugs, I hid my fear well. The twins continued

to come for tea and we kept a distance, washing hands before and after, life seemed strange. The twins

looked awkward and nervous, I felt anxious, Mark grumpy. Wish this virus would just do one so we could

all get back to normal.

But what is normal - my life hasn’t been normal for years. Five years ago I went in for a hysterectomy

which nearly killed me. My bowel perforated, I was told I may never eat or drink again as I had developed a

enterocutaneous fistula which meant I had a connection from my bowel to my skin. I was vein fed for 4

months in a hospital 100 miles away from home, It couldn’t be fixed for two years. I left hospital a broken

wreck, life in tatters, health ruined. It changed me beyond recognition as anxiety ruled my every thought.

They did try and fix me two years later but it failed, I got sepsis and respiratory failure. I nearly died in ICU.

I have crawled back to some kind of new normal but I’m damaged, anxious, depressed and traumatised.

Now a pandemic. Just what I didn’t need.

By our 39th wedding anniversary on the 21/3 everything had changed. Schools had closed as had all pubs

and non essential shops. This was unimaginable. Then I had the letter saying I was in the shielded group

so I had to avoid all contact with everyone, not go out at all and basically kiss my life as I knew it, a long

farewell for at least 12 weeks……

April 20

Last month was just a total shock to the system. To go from a big family ‘do’ on the 7th March to being told

repeatedly to ‘Stay home, save lives , Protect the NHS’ was just surreal.

I’ve spent this week trying to form some kind of routine as life as we knew it has gone. On the 5/4/20 I get

the letter from Public Health Wales telling me I am very vulnerable and will need to stay in for 12 weeks.

The letter lists all kinds of restrictions plus a note of various organisations I can contact if I need support.

It’s quite sobering, my husband is gutted. This means he cant volunteer to help out nor can he work. He is

an electrician and had a job lined up that he could do whilst respecting social distancing. His

disappointment at being ‘stuck in’ with me, bothers me as much as the virus. The last five years of hell

have almost broken us, and now we are forced together 24/7 by a pandemic ; couldn’t make it up.

Lockdown – Week 3

Today is World Health Day. I’m thinking and reading about things now I never even paid any attention to

before. Whilst browsing I notice the stats on world health and can see globally there are 1.4 million cases

of Coronavirus and 81,600 deaths. Google tells me the world population is almost 8 billion. Mark

constantly goes on about how this is a massive overreaction, it’s just like a bad case of flu, we should just

get on with it….. If he reads these figures he will be unbearable. The news reports tells us constantly

about how important it is to protect the elderly and vulnerable to avoid the shocking scenes emerging from

Lombardy in Italy. Scenes where there are not enough hospital beds, or ventilators and people seem to be

dying in droves on their own. All harrowing stuff. For me personally it’s all the more terrifying as I’ve had

stage 1 respiratory failure when my last op dramatically failed. I had sepsis, and felt no one was listening to

me as I could feel life slipping away. The nurses said I was anxious, one told me to ‘man up’, in all honesty

some of them weren’t very kind and I secretly wondered about their choice of profession. Thank fully these

were in the minority, the vast majority being wonderfully kind. Then my lungs failed – hard to explain the

feeling but try taping a plastic bag tightly to you head……..and wait. The thought of dying without oxygen

therapy was just horrific and I asked my husband that if it looked like coming to that, he needed to take

matters in hand, suffocation was not an option.

I go outside and look at the Super-moon – what a glorious sight and a welcome distraction to what is

unfolding before our very eyes.

Lockdown – Week 4

A daily routine was forming –

Wake up naturally, have a cup of tea, put TV on and watch the news reports, feel depressed, leave

bedroom, mooch around, watch more news, turn TV off, housework, go out garden and potter, have some

food, more news, shower, dress wounds, watch Tv, glass of wine, bed.

In all honesty, it wasn’t that different to before. Since my surgery had gone wrong I was a prisoner inside

my own body, I barely left the house. Now the whole world knew what that feels like. I can do this.

Lockdown – Week 5

Easter Weekend. Normally I love Easter and it’s a big family event in my diary. The last few years haven’t

been so good as my health is poor but we still made the effort. This year of course is different. Despite my

letter telling me I must stay in, I decide I have to go for a walk. Mark and I are bickering constantly. He is

depressed and very unhappy. He has resorted to making bread and has suddenly taken an unhealthy

interest in how I brush the floor, or peel a potato. Seems I’ve been doing it wrong all my life, my oh my,

who knew…………..

He goes out the garden to find something to do whilst I sneak out the front door.

The first thing that hits me is the silence, the deafening silence. No cars, no children, no signs of life; I felt

so sad. I’d told my daughter I was escaping my prison cell for a short while so she had arranged for the

children to wave at me from their wall. I could hear them playing in their garden as I approached and

suddenly there they were. One aged 4 and the other one aged 18 months, my two daily rays of sunshine.

They sat on the wall, safely cocooned in their parents arms and I waved and blew kisses from the

pavement below. Emily sang ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ on top of her voice and I was glad the short distance

between us meant she couldn’t see my tears. How I wanted to just cwtch them and never leave them go.

How can this be right, I know I’m safe as I haven’t been out for 5 weeks and neither have they, yet we can’t

meet, hug or chat except from a distance. This is so hard and I feel for all the children who don’t have

loving parents, my heart is bursting with sadness as I blot that thought out.

I return home, Mark hadn’t noticed I’d even gone. The weather is lovely which is helping so much so it’s

back to daily routine of nothingness. I can feel my mental health declining so decide to limit the news

reports as at the moment, it all feels quite overwhelming.

Lockdown – Week 6

Another week passes, every day seems the same. I find weekends the worse as they just seem emptier

than the week days. Captain Tom Moore has appeared on our screens. Walking back and fore on a patch

of land in front of his house to raise money for the NHS. He wanted to raise £1000 by his 100th birthday at

the end of the month, he is approaching £30 MILLION, amazing. What a wonderful achievement.

My daughter brings our granddaughters round, we sit on the drive, socially distanced. Whilst I’m so happy

to see them, their natural reaction is to run to me. Before this hit, they would come in our bungalow and

shout ‘NANNA’ and then run to me, arms outstretched, so full of love. We’d hug, kiss and laugh and then

chat about their day, or read a book, play a game. I never imagined a situation (other than death) that

would prevent me from doing this. But here we are sat apart, their mum holding them back from us; it’s all

too heart-breaking. My depression and anxiety are so much worse, my husband sees the positives in

everything but he struggles, we all struggle. Covid 19 I hate you.

May 2020

I have never been a particularly ‘huggy’ person but not being allowed to hug my grandchildren is just awful,

I feel bereft. The little one tripped outside my house and I went to pick her up to comfort her and I couldn’t,

my daughter intervened and stopped me. A little bit of me broke. Of course I know why, but it’s just so

horrible.

May is generally a busy month for our family with birthdays for my nephews and my daughter. My nephews

are 11 and we did go to the back of their garden to send our birthday wishes. It was windy and everyone

felt a bit awkward. The twins seemed happy but their eyes tell me different, they want things to go back to

normal and send me messages about when the vaccine will happen. My heart sinks as we all know this

may not happen and we will have to live with this for some considerable time. I let them down gently, they

are children and I don’t want them to become afraid of life like I am. Life in isolation is very different for me

without the children. You can still feel very lonely even though you aren’t on your own.

The weather is great and that helps a lot. The daily routines continue but life just seems hollow and

soulless. I feel a complete failure at life as I haven’t developed any new skills, learnt a language or become

a master chef. I’m just me, doing my best but struggling to see an end to this.

June 2020

Lockdown - Week 12

Last month was so bad and depressing, this month has to be better, I can’t go to those black thoughts

anymore. I’ve stopped watching every news bulletin and now stick to just once a day, if I’m feeling ok that

is. I tend to seek out the negative bits which drives my husband up the wall, I think it’s a sort of weird

coping mechanism, if I am aware of the worse bits, nothing will shock me. We are having some work done

on the garden so I’m kept busy organising all of that. My husband and I are bickering a lot. He won’t admit

to feeling down but I know he is struggling too with the restrictions as he is a very sociable being. It’s made

my illness more difficult to manage as now he is home all the time, he wants me to do things I cannot do, I

don’t have his stamina. I have to be on the go all day because when he is bored we bicker even more. It’s

hard work, I need my own space and I can’t even go out for a walk. Why can’t I just refuse to go at his

pace? I’m a people pleaser, can’t say no and it’s always at my expense.

Lockdown – week 13.

The garden makeover is well underway and it helps enormously having people around. We respect social

distancing at all times of course plus no more endless cups of coffee to make for the workmen as they bring

their own, it’s safer that way. The weather is really hot and I’m slightly envious of their young, strong and

capable bodies that work tirelessly despite the heat. Your health really is your wealth, I realise that now

more than ever. I sit in the conservatory and watch them work feeling slightly guilty and hoping they don’t

think I’m ‘keeping an eye’. I’m not. I’m just grateful they have turned up as a few people have let us down

which is disappointing. I expect everyone to be like me, I would never just not turn up – sadly many people

just do not care.

My twin nephews have started to come up so I can help them with home schooling. They shoot down the

side alley like two cat burglars in case anyone spots them, they really worry that they and I will get into

trouble. They go to the gazebo at the bottom of the garden where we now have Internet. I’ve always

helped with schoolwork and my sister, like so many parents, struggles to keep them motivated and

interested when the Xbox beckons from upstairs. In our house with no such distractions, they tend to listen

and in a way, it helps me as it’s a long time since I’ve tackled pie charts, coordinates and ratios. It takes

my mind off my problems and worries and gets my brain cells working again. We have to socially distance

which is difficult at times but they are very worried about passing any bugs on so won’t come near me!

They are getting bored now with it all and need the routine of school. But when they do go back, and

based on the fact I’m shielding then what then? I try not to think. They ask me painful questions I can’t

answer like if they play with a football, can they catch the ball or just kick? What will happen if we have to

pick family bubbles, will I pick them or my granddaughters?

Heart-breaking, previously inconceivable situations that I just cannot answer. I dodge the question and

hope I’ll never be placed over that barrel. We are allowed to see another family now and I have to juggle

what time my granddaughters come over as I don’t want all the children here the same time as social

distancing will be difficult. with a toddler and a four year old who just want to play. I find it all very stressful

and keep having to check who is calling at what time, my anxiety is shocking where family conundrums are

concerned, I just want to stick to the rules, stay safe and sane but sometimes it’s just not possible.

Lockdown – Week 14

The rules in England are starting to relax, Wales is a little slower. For me personally lockdown is not much

different to normal life. If I’m having a really bad day I sometimes feel annoyed that how I’ve been feeling

for years is only acknowledged now that the masses are affected. The isolation and uncertainty of chronic

illness is something I, and so many others, have to live with day in day out. One big difference of course is

no one cared before, now suddenly there is all this help online about dealing with stress, anxiety and

uncertainty. Ah well that’s how it is, no point becoming bitter and twisted! (I already have apparently

according to my husband).

Talking of whom, my husband and I have now been in the house together for 100 days, almost 24/7. We

have always bickered as we are our own people. He was in public services, so we spent a lot of time apart

owing to work commitments and shift patterns. I’d always worked too until my op went wrong, then I was

plunged into my own self isolation but he still worked so I had my own space. Now we are together all the

time and it’s not good. He questions everything from how I brush the floor to how I boil a potato. He has

an opinion on just E V E R Y T H I N G, I didn’t realise he was actually Alan Titchmarsh in disguise as he’s

now a gardening expert! Quite amazing for someone who has never planted a plant in his life!

Grumpy old woman – most definitely