Corona Diaries

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Brooke

“I am still conflated about returning to church. Yes, my Lord is my beloved but is it the most loving thing I

can do to potentially put not only myself but others at risk.”

Background information

Female, aged 25-34, PHD Student and part-time Cleaner, White, Asexual, and dedicated Orthodox

Christian.

February 2020

1/2/20

I slept in late, I felt a lot better once I removed the HRT patch, I think I was reacting to something in the

glue. I have gone back to the other brand of patch which I am ok with. I tweaked my Africa Chapter and

applied to be part of the Smart Buddy scheme, and I did some other admin.

It is a pain that the southbound trains cannot stop at Eastleigh until the tracks are fully repaired. It means

that I will have an issue getting to church every week, but it is also inconveniencing a lot of commuters.

I need to talk with Edith about staying with them for the conference at the end of the month, or try to find

someone else to stay with, commuting is not really an option with the problems with the train service. The

same goes for the Holy Week services.

I trust my beloved Lord God and saviour Jesus Christ will see me though in his mercy.

2/2/20

I woke Ok, mum gave me a lift to Southampton with Dad and Lynda. I got to church on time. Fr Al’s sermon

on temptations was thought provoking for me although not a surprise because of my academic knowledge.

The challenge of becoming temples of Christ is lifelong.

I played a lot and got distracted so settled latter than intended. I am reading the Cloud of Unknowing again

which is deep and a text containing Orthodox theology and good to read in lent.

I have struggled with period pains today, going to the loo helped so it will pass.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Jesus Christ my King.

3/2/20

I slept in later than intended. Work went ok, I also got some academic work done. The next set of UCU

strike dates have come out, Winchester is involved this time. I think it is prudent to move my supervision

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from those days to prevent a conflict of interests. Pilates went ok, I had a showered later than intended. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King, my Redeemer.

4/2/20

I slept in a bit late, I went into town and spent more than I should have along with doing some banking. I got

some planning done and I did some admin. I settled a little late and tired. I have much to do tomorrow. My

faith is in my beloved Lord God and Savior Christ Jesus my King.

5/2/20

I slept in late. I did the chores, nipped to work and did paperwork. I hate doing forms especially difficult

ones which set my anxiety off. I have a lot of work to do at uni tomorrow if I can concentrate. I had a shower

and struggled to settle since I am so wound up. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ

Jesus my King.

6/2/20

I slept in later than planned. I spent most of the time on campus fighting paperwork. The stuff to do with

invidualting was quicker than expected. Then there was form F and starting the overseas travel form, that

one is a nightmare and must be a creation of the Adversary. Fr A has similar view of uni paperwork.

Supervision with Fr A went well, I have work to do but we are progressing steadily. Study Skills was also

productive.

The walk over to catch the bus is nice, much better than going into town. With the bus fairs as they are if I

am going into uni before 10am, but it is not worth it is I am going in later.

I have much to do and am really tired. I need to start going to be earlier and make better use of my time.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

7/2/20

I slept in late as I was tired. Work went ok but I got nothing academic done. I did make soup and have a

shower, however. Tomorrow will be a long and exhausting day. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus

my God and King.

8/2/20

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I woke ok, the journey to Salisbury went ok, the Liturgy was hard work as I was both serving and singing. I

need to train assistants for both roles really. Fr A’s sermon was spoken from his own experience and about

the challenge of repentance. He pointed out that we may be judged by God but that judgment is not always

visible immediately and my not be seen at all in this life. I had a feeling that Fr A was speaking form his own

experience as well as his theological training.

I got the shopping I needed to done including my Pascha clothes, I spent more than intended but it needed

doing. The lord smiled on me today as Fr A decided to give me the donations to cover my travel costs. This

meant that I am less stressed about money and I can do the next service. I am also less stressed than I

was.

I did some reading, but no other work done. I also have plenty of Antidoron for the next few weeks. I pray I

will be able to get to church tomorrow with the bad weather. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour

Christ Jesus my King.

9/2/20

I overslept a little. Mum gave me a lift to Southampton Parkway station. I got to church in time for the

service despite the bad weather. Coming back was not too bad by the grace of God.

Fr C’s sermon was thought provoking. I know I need to work on my repentance and changing the direction

of my life to be more directed at God. I settled to bed ok but not as early as I would have liked. My faith is in

my beloved Lod God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

10/2/20

I overslept a little, the Gp appointment went ok, in and out early which is always a bonus. I went to work

and got my Greek practice done. Platies went ok, I am more flexible and stronger than last year. I have

much to do tomorrow. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my redeemer and King.

11/2/20

I slept in late rather longer than sensible so I ended up with a headache. I got some work done, watched a

lot of telly and did a little admin. The uni emailed about the strikes, the message only mentioned the pay

issue not mentioning workload, inequality, and casualised contracts as issues involved in the strike. These

three things can be dealt with by the uni but are being ignored, although he uni could do something. I

forwarded the email to Fr A so he can send it to the branch rep so branch know what the uni is saying to

us. I also sent it to the student union with links to what they are saying, this is so the SU can let the

students know what both sides are saying. If the SU are properly informed they can fight for the students.

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I am also putting up the UCU information in the PGR room, I will also speak to as many of my fellow PGR’s

as I can about it. I know some of the others teach or can teach so can join the UCU and strike, membership

being free for PGR’s. membership of UCU is important for PGR’s as it gives us protection from the uni

when we teach and more balanced information about the issues.

I got back home rather later than planned and a little tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour

Christ Jesus my King.

12/2/20

I slept in later than intended. I have done the mending which needed to be done. I went to work, fielded

admin emails, and did a little uni work done. I had a shower and settled on the early side. I should have

dried the antidoron properly as it has grown mould and will have to be composted. I have much to do

tomorrow and trust that my beloved Lord will sustain me.

13/2/20

I woke early, I got up to uni ok. The training was fine, and I got a lot of writing done. I spoke with other

PGRs about the UCU and what the uni are not telling us. Fr a helped me to finish the overseas travel

paperwork. He was a bit late as he was working with an undergraduate needed his help. I have an

interview next Tuesday for the Smart Buddy scheme. I pray that the Lord will help me with it. I am spotting

today which is annoying. My faith is in my Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

14/2/20

I slept in later than planned. Work went ok and I got a small amount of uni admin done. To my surprise I

have not yet been asked to teach, a matter of time I suspect. I had a shower and settled a little later than

planned. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

15/2/20

I slept in a bit. I got some work done, not as much as I would have liked but I did make some progress. I

also washed my bras. I had a shower and settled a little late. I have a lot of Logismoi around two things,

one is going to uni on strike days and the other is being asked to teach especially if it involves strike

braking.

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The weather is horrible again, the second big storm in as many weeks. My faith is in my beloved Christ

Jesus my God and King my beloved Redeemer and saviour.

16/2/20

I overslept a little. I ended up going to st Nicholas’ as the trains were out due to flooding. I never find it

easy, it is the little things in the typicon differences which I notice, like men just wandering into the alter (it

would never be seen in an Antiochian parish) the other thing is how few adults receive communion. I

cannot help comparing the time it takes to commune with one chalice rather than two.it is the little things

which grate some of which are specific to st Nicholas parish. I got home ok on the bus. I played a little

watched TV and retired early. Dr Who was clearly linked to the global climate crises and was rather scary.

Call the Midwife dealt with complex yet topical issues. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour

Christ Jesus my King and Redeemer.

17/2/20

I woke ok, I got a lot of uni work done finishing the draft of the Background chapter. Work also went ok.

There is still so much to do, but I pray that my productivity will continue. I had a shower and settled early.

My faith is in my Beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

18/2/20

I woke ok, I went up to uni and got quite a lot of work done. Part 1 is now officially drafted. I also got started

on form D. Harry finally replied, delayed by workload (which is a common theme). I think the Smart Buddy

interview want ok, I place the result in my beloved’s hands.

The evening lecture was fascinating, it was good to be able to go to something out of interest. I dread the

amount of work to get form D done, especially sceduling waht I will do next year but if the Lord wills I will

get it all done. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

19/2/20

I woke ok, I did all the chores, spent half an hour at work and made cokes for the lectures who are striking

tomorrow. I did some filling stuff but got no writing done. I have a plan for limiting my time on campus

tomorrow, I will eb efficient and discreet. Most of my work will be done at home. I will however “work to

contract” on strike days in that I will not exceed 17.5 hours a week, on the part day equivalents. On other

days I may do more and the prep for conference sis not being counted. I had a shower and settled ok. My

faith is in my Beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

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20/2/20

I slept in a bit, I got on a role doing editing, part 1 is coming together well. Study skills was also productive. I

left the cookies with the SU to pass on the strikers tomorrow as they picket had gone home by the time I

got in, mostly to join the big rally in Southampton. I must get up and shower early tomorrow so I can get to

work and mack it to vespers at Church for the start of the study weakened. This is going to be long and

tiering. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

21/2/20

I woke ok, I had a shower and dried my hair. Work went ok and I made it to Parkway for the train I wanted

to catch. Vespers went ok. The talk was interesting and challenging. I understood the principle concept that

the Church preservers Holy Tradition in purity. I do however question if Holy Tradition is successfully

expressed by the people of the Church in the most appropriate way sometimes. Sometimes I feel like the

Holy Spirit is trying to tell the church things which are being ignored.

I think and feel that I will need to talk things through with Fr C. the main thing I am feeling that many in the

Church need help understanding the meaning of the word Diaconia. This is in part so we can understand

and use the Deacon in the way the church intended us to as a living icon of Christ, the Women deacon

would follow naturally.

I found it difficult at the mean as I was cornered by another delegate who could not understand why as a

PHD student I was not trying to publish all me research. I just feel that she does not understand the way

PHD’s are done now and the paperwork required if aspects are published, it is very different to 20 years

ago. I wish Fr A had come; he would have been able to explain the situation more clearly than I could.

I got home late and got to bed late and tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Jesus Christ

my King.

22/2/20

I woke early, I go to Church part way though Matins. The talks and discussion were interesting and thought

provoking. It is needful to live the faith openly and speak the truth however uncomfortable that is, tactfu lly

and gently where possible but without compromise.

If anything I feel more conferrable speaking before other academics outside the church when discussing

ideas. I had a real problem that one of the other delegates could not understand that the liturgy is not

enough on its own, faith is to be lived in the whole of life. The concept of living the whole life for Christ was

taken up by Vladika in the last session.

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I am suffering from way too much food and it being far richer than I am used too. Two cooked meals in a

day was a bit much for me. I got home ok by the grace of God, had a shower and settled a little late.

The discussions today made me realise I need to be more discreet at times when presenting what my

research has shown. But also I need to be more direct in my thesis about the presence of oral tradition and

calling saints by their titles.

My faith is on my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

23/2/20

I overslept but by God’s grace still make it to Church on time. Fr Al’s sermon was biased in part on what

had been discussed during the study weakened. It was challenging but that is always good in the lead up to

lent.

I got home ok, I have been little excentric in my eating, in part due to asid reflux after the overindulgence

yesterday. Going to the Fairport concert this evening was good, and what I needed was a brake away from

the normal stresses of life. I am completely exhausted and went to bed as soon as we got home, well after

my sister got out of the shower.

24/2/20

I slept in rather late, though I needed it. Work went ok, I got nothing else done though. I went Pilates which

was busy, I had a shower and settled late. I must be up tomorrow for my next injection or hormone

blockers. I need to get a lot of work done. Y faith is in my beloved Lord God Savour Christ Jesus.

25/2/20

I overspent a little. I had the nest hormone blocking injection. I got some conference paper writing done. I

went up to uni for the talk on spiritual abuse, which was very interesting, especially the parts about building

heathy communities. I got home ok, I settled a little late and have a lot to do tomorrow. My faith is in my

beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

26/2/20

I slept in a bit, I got no work done again, only a little admin. Payed work went ok though and the chores. I

will talk it through with my mentor, but I think it is bette for me if I do not go to uni campus for the first two

weeks of March, to reduce the stress o am experiencing from the strikes. I am also aware that I am

experiencing prolonged overload events, I clearly need time and space I need to recover.

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I will have an emergency supervision with Fr A tomorrow, to let him know the situation and fight even more

paperwork. The next text I need to go through is on my home computer so I will leave it for now. The

annual review meeting is more important than going through texts.

I need to keep an eye on how often I how often I have overloads I will have to go back to the GP to chase

the referral, only with a diagnoses can I get the adjustments I need. I had a shower and got to bed late and

tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

27/2/20

I slept in later than intended, I got to uni ok, I got about 5 hours work done today. I had a 6-minute meeting

with Fr A, to deal with the worst stuff. He has accepted my decision to withdraw from campus for a couple

of weeks while I recover emotionally. Both my study skills tutors supported my decision what I need for

myself and my academic progress. I emailed PGR Admin with Form F and let them know. I also let my

PGR tutor know as she needs to.

I took some time for myself in the evening and plan to do some work tomorrow, but I will try and avoid too

much contact with others. I am concerned about the spread of the bug especially as it may mean I have

problems getting my injections which I need to stay safe and sane. I trust that my lord will do what is right

by his people for his glory. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

28/2/20

I slept late, but I needed it. Work went ok and I did my time sheet. I got no uni work done but did do a

couple of posts on Linkedin and sorted my uni admin. I must tell Fr A that emailing me past mid night does

not really fit the work to rule. I also had a shower and washed my bras. My annual review is scheduled for

April 1st. I also found out that I did not get the Smart Buddy Job. The lord clearly plans something else for

me so said no to this which will allow me to say yes to something else. I got to be a little late and restless

but trusting in my beloved Lord and God Christ Jesus my King.

29/2/20

I slept in late. I got a little work done and did some paperwork for the diocesan conference. I need to work

on my tendency to procrastinate. I had a shower and went to bed early. The coming lent will not be easy for

me but hopefully it will be beneficial spiritually. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus

my King and redeemer.

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March 2020

1/3/20

I woke ok, I got to church on time, only by the grace of God did I not oversleep Bournemouth station.

Liturgy went ok. Fr C’s sermons was not an easy one but needed just before lent. With the way academia is

going I am seriously considering looking at overseas posts when I finish my PHD. Unless of course the

government collapses and we get something more stable and worker friendly. I see the last century

beginning to repeat itself, just the major epidemic is two years late and the financial crises 10 years early. I

trust my beloved Lord will see me through as he always does, although I would not be against teaching in

an Irish or Finnish uni (in English of course). Lent will be hard, but it always is if it is to be of spiritual

benefit. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

2/3/20

I slept in late after an unsettled night and lots of dreaming. Work went ok, if not as an efficiently as I would

have liked. Pilates went ok, there were only 2 things I could not do. I had a shower and settled late partly

due to extended Lenten prayer rule, and in part as I went up late. Mt faith is in my beloved lord God and

saviour Christ Jesus my King.

3/3/20

I slept in again, my sloth is embarrassing. I got a little work done as I kept getting distracted. The prayer is

hard work and I have been in a lot of ovarian pain again today. I did finally check my uni emails, the study

skills admin had got back to me and PGR admin wrote back supportively for my decision to step back from

life on campus to focus on writing and my heath. The support for my decision is helpful as it gives me more

confidence in my able to make decisions, this will help me in the future. My faith is in my Beloved Lord God

and Saviour Christ Jesus my king.

4/3/20

I slept in again, I am just so tired, I might have a cold, that could explain it, or it might just be I did not have

time to catch up with myself before. I nipped into work and did all the chores including an Everest sized pile

of ironing. I had a shower and went to bed on the early side, to start compline early. I am worried that

the big international conference I am going to will eb delayed due to the big bug. I hope the infections peek

soon so that can all get on with life again. It is however a salutary reminder of the fragility of life and that we

will never know when will face judgment. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my

King.

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5/3/20

I slept in again, I really am unusually tired. I got some work done only around 600 words written but there

was a lot of leg work involved in compiling that section of the text. I also added a section I had missed form

an earlier chapter. I got to bed late and tired, I hope I have fewer dreams tonight. I think I have a bug of

some sort, it has not turned into anything recognisable, but I am tacking ecanatior to help my body fight it

off if the bug. I do not know if I will have the energy for the liturgy on Saturday. I need to chase Fr A about

the texts for that anyway, I will send him a message tomorrow. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and

Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

6/3/20

I slept in again, I am still dreaming a lot. Work went ok and I did my Greek practice, no time for anything

else. Fr a liked my idea about hand washing in the liturgy, but he tends to use sanitiser gel as he has some,

it is not an option for me with my tendencies to get allergic reactions. I also emailed the idea to Fr C, if it is

taken up it is something our reliable small alter bays could do. I had a shower and settled ok. I am only

doing short compline as I just do not have the strength to do more however much I want to. My faith is in

my beloved Lord Goad and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

7/3/20

I woke ok, I went to Winchester to serve the liturgy with Fr A, it was hard work as it always is especially

when singing and serving. I am uneasy in some ways at the reliance on my presence as I know it cannot

last forever, and it should not. I got a small amount of work done and played quite a bit. I had a shower,

changed my bed linins and settled late. I have also got the start of a story stuck in my head which s not

helping. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Savior Christ Jesus my King.

8/3/20

The transport gremlins were legion today, but despite this I got to church on time. Glory to God. The most

dramatic problem was the rail replacement buss breaking down on the hill leading up to Bournemouth

station, the transmission had made some odd noses and we had been costing and would have had the

momentum to make the station carpark if not for a red light, of course it was on a bit of uphill we stopped.

I found the liturgy hard work but had some success with getting the smiliest and most mischievous altar boy

to behave. I eat lunch late so had issues with my blood sugar dropping, this meant I lost consciousness

briefly when getting of the rail replacement coach at Southampton airport, only enough to slip down the

steps and crat a set of bruises noting more. I must remember to eat after the service no leave it an hour, so

I do not get a dip when I then eat a larger lunch. I wrote quite a bit of story and got to sleep late. I

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understand the concerns about the current Corvid19 outbreak, but I think there is a great deal too much

panic. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

9/3/20

I slept in late, I got distracted with story writing around organising medical appointments and I went to work.

I got no uni work done but I plan to write hard tomorrow. Pilates was quiet, and I struggled with some parts

since I had a lot of lower abdominal pain. I had a shower and settled late. My faith is in my beloved Lord

God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

10/3/20

I slept in late. I got some writing done for all my concentration is abysmal. I also spent some time story

writing. I went to bed on the early side. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my

King and redeemer.

11/3/20

I woke ok, I did my chores, went to work and write some story. I am having real problems concentrating, not

helped by the pain and spotting. I am concerned that the summer conferences will be cancelled, I need to

work on my papers as well as my thesis. I had a shower and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God

and my king.

12/3/20

I slept in late, I wrote story but neglected my thesis completely. Uni wise I only got a little admin done. I also

backed a cake. Work is going to get harder due to the extra precautions in relation to Corvid 19 come into

effect. I wonder if it will be of any use as the real cases are probably 10-20 times worse than reported.

Many cases will be going unnoticed and so unreported, and sometimes undiagnosed even if reported.

I need to get on with my academic work which has been neglected but I also be sensible and not get

infected if possible (if I have it already had it but so mild that it went unnoticed). Asymptomatic cases can

infect others but less than symptomatic cases. I trust that my beloved Lord God and Saviour Jesus will see

us through, and his name is glorified.

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13/3/20

I slept in late, no uni work again but I did spend ages at work, I made soup and had a shower. I also wrote

story for a bit. I settled a little late. Cayous is descending in relation to Corvid19, contradictory advice

accusations and discussion’s all over the place. The UK government is not showing itself a brilliant but is

not as bad as some others. The response of the unis is being governed by the predictions of the medical

scholars who are not on strike!!!!! This is going to be a long and difficult summer, a test for us and our faith.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

14/3/20

I overslept again despite my best intentions. I got a lot of work done on a conference paper, which I may

not get to give. Work took longer than planed but what needs to be done must be. I suspect work will be

bad for a week or so then settled down as bookings are cancelled which will make my workload

manageable again.

The orthodox are the only part of the Church so far not tacking public steps in the way of sensible

precautions. The chalice is safe due to the mix of precious metals, alcohol and the Holy Spirit means that

no disease has spread via the chalice in the last 200 years when we have good records. I have arranged to

go to confession tomorrow as I do not know what government restrictions will come in over the next few

weeks. I would rather have my spiritual house in order.

Personal I think the Government is making a mess of the it, much could and should have been done earlier,

and set out clearly earlier. But we get the leaders we deserve. I settled a little late, my faith is in my beloved

Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my God and King.

15/3/20

I overslept a little. I got to church on time by the grace of God and two taxies (the first the cost of SWR for a

cancelled train the second from Bournemouth airport to the church). I got there in one peace and on time.

The service was quieter than normal. I received communion as I will at every opportunity I can since I never

know when I will be able to again. I also took the opportunity to confess, this is because I do not want to

miss out on ther sacrament as I cannot get to church. Fr identified my issues of sloth and false humility

comes from my fear of failure. This links closely to what St John of the Ladder says, and he explains how it

works. My rule or penance is the do prayer before each task and give thanks afterwards. A simple thing but

it is a challenge as it requires a change of a way of living and a closer focus on God in all things. The

dependence on God is also a good way for me to grow beyond a fear of failure.

All I do should be for the service of God and by extension not just his Church but all my fellow humans. Just

as I pledged to do when I joined St John Ambulance at the age of 14.

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I got most of my shopping list and stocked up on things I may not be able to get again for a while. Much of

what I got I needed anyway I just about it a week early, and what I got will last months. I also bought things

for pool basics bank.

I got home late; the government are a complete mess. I emailed I (my Godmother), I will thank her for the

money when she replies. I also emailed Fr A who agreed to my assessment of University, and my plans to

socially distance myself as much as possible for practical reasons. All supervision will go onto skype or

Teems. It will take time as I learn my way around the tech, and I am still working.

All I can do is be sensible, hope and pray. St Patrick’s breastplate is helpful as is the Akathist of St Luke of

Crimea, both of these I will say soon. I went to bed early, I have a lot to do in the next few days, both admin

and writing. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Savour Christ Jesus my King.

16/3/20

I woke ok, I got quite a lot done today, and have been in a techy mood. I will try to finish some of my editing

tomorrow along with admin work. That is once I am back from my GP appointment and collecting a

prescription. The government has finally got itself organised and mandated social distancing. Many unis

including mine are being slow about moving online. Winchester is due to on Friday apart from where

lecturers have taken it into there own hands and already gone online.

Work went ok today, I have made plans for rationing my hours if or when the number of booking reduced,

this will give me more time but mean I still have an income. What I will do with my leave is a moot point, we

will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I am considering starting a spiritual blog reflecting on services, readings and saints to provide a let out for

my energy other than academic, but also so orthodox in the disporia can share ideas. This can include

ideas on how to get through an extended time without communion and services, especially if they live a

long way from church. I will run the idea past Fr C and Fr F. for the time of the crisis it would be a most day

thing but afterwards I would try to put weekly post up following the challenges and joys of being a Virgin of

Christ in the world. I have some thinking and praying to do on it, it is not for me only but to help others in

the spiritual struggle.

I had a shower and must be up tomorrow for a GP appointment. Pilates is now cancelled after the last

session today until further notice. I suspect this will be the case for many things now.

Yet these restrictions are providing an opportunity for spiritual and community rebirth. We could build a new

type of society in the wake of this crisis, in the form of a new fairer and more human way. My faith is in my

beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

17/3/20

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I woke ok, my GP appointment was quick and productive, Dr M could see sense in my request to move on

the three-month implant and more HRT. She did advise I contact my consultant about the situation and

developments. I said I would write as that way he can deal with it when he has time.

I did quite a lot of shopping and will help mum with the big shop tomorrow. I only got a little admin done.

I am frightened at what the future will bring, this is going to be one of those seminal moments in history. I

am not frightened for myself, but it is more an underlying fear of all around me. I do not know the next time I

will receive my beloved lord but by his grace I will endure as St Mary of Egypt and the other hermit saints

did, to receive with joy when I finally can. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my

King.

18/3/20

I overslept as I was tired. I helped mum with shopping, we could not get everything most of what we need. I

got some writing done and have arranged to do my study skills remotely. Which is a relief for me. I hope to

get quite a bit of writing done tomorrow. I also still have to do the ironing as I only did the vacuuming today.

I had a shower and settled early. I had a positive reply from Fr Ph which is something done. It is going to be

a hard few weeks, but I trust the Lord will see us through and strengthen his children. my faith is in my

beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

19/3/20

I overslept a bit. I got some uni work done and the ironing. Doing my session with Rachel over teems over

Teems worked. I now just need to set up a team for supervision. If I do the whizzy bits it should all work.

Liturgies are officially of now, Fr C will be celebrating with the canonical minimum number of assistants, this

is to keep prayer going but no congregation. The church will be open for privet prayer for part of the week.

There is also strong encouragement for Fr C to pray at home and where it is possible assisting neighbours

(orthodox or not). I am so glad that I decided to move my confession forwards, I knew this would happen.

The government are acting like headless chickens, after weeks of dithering, they seem to have forgotten

temporarily that it will take 10 days for changes in infection rates to show. That is just the nature of the

situation. It is certainly not helped by some people entirely ignoring the restrictions or panic shopping and

stockpiling so other are not able to get what they need quickly.

I am struggling with not being able to see people, but I can study and pray. The lack of the Eucharist my be

hard for me, but it will be all the more sweet when I can attend a liturgy and receive. My faith is in my

beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

20/3/20

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I overslept a little. I went to work. I have sent off an enquiry about claiming for the flights to Finland. I got no

uni work done but did practice my Greek. I had a shower and settled late.

I knew this was going to happen by grace and am so thankful I took the decision to confess last week. I do

not know when I will receive my beloved again or be able to confess again. If heaven forbid, I become

seriously sick I would send for Fr A to have confession and if possible, receive communion. I would not

want to face such a crisis without such support.

We as a race, as communities, as families, as people are in a tie of Crisis as time of judgment. This event

will set the world on a new path for better or for worse. Our response will make that world for the next

generations possibly already by those tacking comfort in each other. I do not know the next liturgy I will be

able to attend, or the next feast I will be at church for. I know it is possible to get through this like St Mary of

Egypt and the hermit Photoni, both of whom lived without communion for years.

My faith is in my Beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my God and King.

21/3/20

I slept in late, I work on a workbook about Easter. I made stew with Mum and got to bed very late. I am

frightened, there are members of my close family who are higher risk and moderate risk group. I could see

less of several members of my family and friends over the coming months. I might email my fellow PHD

students who I have contact details for, just for someone else to talk to. I am considering arranging to talk

with Fr a as well. Not being able to go to liturgy tomorrow is really hard. I know Fr C will remember me in

the Proscomedia I hope Fr Ph will too. When I next receive communion is anyone’s guess, confession

likewise could be a long time.

This is a judgment a crisis on every level and how we will come out the other side is an unknown. I can just

put my faith in my beloved Lord God and Savour Christ Jesus my King.

22/3/20

I slept in late, I said Matins Prayers and the full canon as I could not get to a liturgy. I will get organised to

‘join’ the monastery via the live stream next week. I do not think I will make the early service on Wednesday

morning; it will depend on when I wake up. I had a weird but joyous experience of being woken by a flood

of grace today, like to that I receive when I receive communion. I feel my beloved was accepting my

decision and was rewarding me with his presence even when I did not make it to church.

I got the Wii going on and spent a good part of the afternoon playing in a virtual world growing crops and

pulling weeds. I needed the pure and simple escapism some of the time. I am well aware of the danger we

face, of how many people will die, but I also know (and was reminded by Fr Ph sermon) that we need to

obey the government in heath matters. It is better for me to spend the afternoon sat in the conservatory

playing in the virtual word than going out and being at risk of catching the virus.

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I have much to do this week but may try to get Wii fit going as well for my physical heath. Nothing will be

same after this time of crisis, this time of judgment. I can only hope as a world we can change for the

better. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and savour Christ Jesus my King.

23/3/20

I woke reasonably, I spent too much time online so did not get as much as I had hoped to done. It is going

to take a lot of self-discipline over the next few weeks. The announcement of today of another stage of

shutdown for the at least three weeks means that I am faced with the rest of lent at least at home. I know I

am looking at not being able to receive at Pascha. Ut at least with the Monastery I will be able to ‘attend’

the services.

I have emailed work as it looks like we will be in this for the long hall, so I need to look at spreading my

work out. This will probably mean working every other week in one long session to do deep cleaning in

stages. When the restrictions reduce, I would go up to weekly again on shortened hours. But until some

form of normality is resumed there is no need for my full contracted hours. So, by voluntarily reducing my

hours I will be able to maintain my income. I will need to spend time on Linked in looking for local uni posts

if any are hiring in a few months’ time. I also need to work hard on writing, not just my thesis but the activity

book I stated.

I just hope and pray we can get through this; I know that know family will be left untouched by death, that is

how it will be. Our Lord is reminding us that we are mortal, to call us to repentance and to care for this

world that he gave us too look after and nature. My faith I in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus

my King.

24/3/20

I slept in a little late. I got some work done though my anxiety has made me very easy to distract. I also got

some more workbook written. I will do some more tomorrow. I had a shower and did some fixing as the

rhythm of sewing calms me. I hope and pray my Lord understands my need to do this while praying as

keeping my hands busy helps stop my mind running away with me and creating problems.

For the feast I am treating myself to starting to use a new pair of bed socks! I exchanged emails with I,

even by email it helps to have some contact with others. I may email the only other PHD student who’s

contact details I have, just to have a different person to communicate with.

It is eerily quiet, the noise form the motorway as diminished to nothing, there is little or no aircraft

movement removing other sounds. The railway is also on a reduced timetable as well, everything is

shutting down as the virus bites, apart form the medics who are two or three times busier than normal.

What world will become from this crisis this judgment on humanity. I do not know I can only pray.

I will be up early to join the monastery services tomorrow so I can get on with the day. I have a medical

appointment and need to do some shopping.

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With the work hours reduced I will have to make things last and hope that things pick up once this is under

control. I can also hope that I get some teaching hours form the uni. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and

Saviour Christ Jesus My King.

25/3/20

I woke really early so I could virtual into the monastery service. It was a comfort to be able to observe as to

pray with one of the few remaining communities in the UK still service liturgies. I had the nurse’s

appointment, the NHS are understandably in full not spreading bugs mode, it was both early and reassuring

in some way. Town was very quiet, not unsurprisingly and I got some of what I had been sent for. I spent

some time gardening this afternoon and spent several hours playing on the Wii. I have done the next

section of the story part of the workbook. It is coming together by the grace of God. I got to bed late after a

long day. I have much to do tomorrow, but by God’s will it will all be done and his name glorified. My faith is

in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

26/3/20

I slept in a bit late but was tired. Study skills went ok, I got through a whole appear with Rachel and

mentoring was also good. It just helps me to have someone different to talk to, it also helps with my

procrastination to stay in touch with the academic community. I worked a little on the workbook this evening

and got all the choros done. I had a shower and settled reasonably.

The challenges with social restrictions are tacking some getting used to. Not going out is not much of an

issue, I stayed at home a lot anyway. It is having mum under my feet and the silence. Road noise has

reduced, there are virtually no aircraft and the trains are fewer. Change is happening and too live though it

is a changing experience. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

27/3/20

I slept in a bit late, I washed my bras, I struggled to settle to working. I am seriously considering closing the

news tabs on my bowser to help me concentrate, and to help me working without constantly stopping. I did

get some editing done today and I need to get that finished Asap. I know I should pray more in this time of

crisis, but I am struggling with my basic prayer rule. I try to do what I can with love rather than forcing many

words. I got to bed later than I would have liked and tired, I am going to try and be organised and join

vespers online tomorrow at 1700. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

28/3/20

I slept in a bit. I did some writing. I watched several You Tube videos and attended Vespers virtually. I

entered a deeper state of prayer by having handy work to do which helped contained my fidgeting. I had a

shower and settled ok considering the clocks go forward tonight. I must turn of the news tab tomorrow so I

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can concentrate on other things and help me no become overly anxious. Worrying will not help; praying,

repenting, keeping fit and being sensible about self-isolation will help both practically in decreasing the

spread, avoiding catching it and for my sanity. I will also hopefully get some more writing done this way. My

faith is in my Beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

29/3/20

I woke ok, I made the whole 4-hour long service online. I admittedly spent a good part of the service

colouring as well to keep my fidgets at bay. Attending or rather praying alongside the online service is

easier than saying it all myself. I can be carried by the flow of the service into a much deeper state of

prayer than I would otherwise manage. I spent the afternoon playing on the Wii, completely engrossed in a

virtual world. That way again I stepped away from the stress and just be for a while. I may not have been at

prayer, but I was in that now which takes practice to achieve. When rooted in the now it is possible to stay

focused on what really matters and stay aware of the cross in the storms of life. the only things which are

real are those in the present moment for that is the time (Chronos) which touches eternity, and the eternal

truths of salvation in the incarnation, crucifixion and glorious resurrection. The rest is as ephemeral as the

cut flower which begins to smell after a few days. I got some more work on the Holy Week book done. By

the grace of God it will be done for his glory. I got to be late and tired. My faith is in my risen Lord God and

saviour Christ Jesus my King.

30/3/20

I slept in a bit, I got quite a bit of writing done, the next section will take more time as I will need to refer

back to the theory books. Prayers is becoming much harder. I also got some more workbook writing done. I

am having a Teems supervision with Andreas on Wednesday to go through some texts. Still got to get the

three-way supervision sorted.

I have work sorted, S (my acting line manager) as agreed to my plan which is a start, what we do if things

do not then start to get back to normal is another question entirely. I had a shower and went to bed early. I

need to be up if possible so I can get some writing done before going to work. My faith is in my beloved

Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King, my hope and my shore foundation in life.

31/3/20

I struggled again to get up, my anxiety level is silly. I did no uni work but did 4 hours paid work and another

section of the workbook. It is coming together now. I have a lot to do tomorrow and supervision with Fr A. I

got to bed a little late and tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

April 2020

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1/4/20

I slept in again, I got some writing done, had a productive virtual supervision session and did the

paperwork. The SU where pleased about the intelligence over what other uni’s are doing. I could almost

see the glee at ammo against the uni. I had an email for Fr C who is interested in the Workbook I am

creating, the text is not done, I just need to flesh out the info for parents and create the activities. A principle

one for each section which is making or doing and one or two extra ones for older children like creating a

comic strip with text if they want. I will also be pick out the key bits for the very young to get the idea. I had

a shower and settled a little late. I am still struggling with anxiety at times. My Faith is in my beloved Lord

God and Saviour Christ Jesus my beloved King.

2/4/20

I slept in again though a lack of self-discipline. I did all the chores and had a productive study skills session

with Rachel. I finished a draft of the Workbook; I will check it tomorrow and send it to Fr C and possibly Fr

Al. I got to bed a little late, I have a lot to do tomorrow, mostly writing and I pray I will have the strength to

be productive. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my Redeemer King.

3/4/20

I slept in a lot later them I had intended. I have got the workbook finished but little academic work done.

Really bad hay fever this year from the spring plants, it is probably a mix of no rain and less other pollution.

I am finding the silence painful, need some background noise of some sort to help me think. I had a shower

and went to bed a bit late considering I was saying thew Akathist in compline. My faith is in my beloved

Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my king.

4/4/20

I slept in really late. I played a bit a t attended vespers virtually. I got some writings done, not much but it

helps. I am really battling low mood and longing to receive communion, what is hardest is not knowing how

long it will be. I hope and pray that the restrictions can be reduced a bit, which would allow me to meet up

with Fr A to have a behind closed door liturgy and receive. If I struggle too much, we may have to arrange

Fr a bringing me communion at home, it will eb needful if I drop into one of the depressions I am prone too,

as nothing else helps. I would have to check with Fr C about confession in that situation, I know Fr A can

hear it and if these restrictions go on a long time, I will have to consider my options.

If I can get myself out of bed, I am going to have to start having a clear out to make more space in my

bedroom. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

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5/4/20

I woke ok, I received grace from liturgy. It is very hard though; I think the unknown aspect which is making it

most difficult for me. I played a lot, and a shower, I went to bed a little earlier than sometimes but said a

canon in compline. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Savour Christ Jesus my King.

6/4/20

I overslept again, I written the proposal for the departmental conference done, bout 50% for the event. I will

reread it in a few days before sending it in. I haves asked Fr A for help with finding the passage I need in a

Greek manuscript, once I know which bit I can transcribe and translate into English. I played a bit, backed a

cake and Got to bed late having failed to get any thesis work done. I did email I again though. There is lots

of Praying to be done as well. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

7/4/20

I woke reasonably early, I got quite a bit done once I settled to work. The session with Rachel was

productive and finished a first draft of chapter 6. I rewarded myself with some time playing, I had a shower

and went to bed at a reasonable time. I am tired but trust in the Lord’s mercy and love for humankind.

8/4/20

I overslept but got a respectable amount of work done and plenty of Greek practice including another

section of study. My Greek recognition is improving but I have a long way to go yet. I played a bit to relax. I

sent the workbook to Fr Al and for A. the latter gave me a mildly humorous reply, but I hope he approves of

the amount of work I put in for no financial benefit. I got to bed rather late but am thankful for the progress I

have made. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

9/4/20

I slept in a bit after an unsettled night. I did some admin and I did the chores. Work are going to furlong me

which is fine, it means I can concentrate on getting my thesis finished, and other academic stuff. I got to

bed latter than planed and a bit tired. There are signs of hope though, the fist leaves of seedling s are visible

in the veg bed, our lady has smiled on the seeds. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ

Jesus my King.

10/4/20

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I slept in a bit. I had a shower. I got a little uni work done and arranged for Fr A to visit me with communion.

I really need it and I am glad to have even the small comfort of a priest visit with communion. I got to bed

rather later than intended. I also began the slow process of cleaning my icon corner, it really needs it. My

faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

11/4/20

I slept in a bit. I made special bread for the feast. I prayed a lot, washed my bras and collected things for

the Palms feast. The poor willow trigs have wilted but the sprig of rosemary will stay green longer even if

the flours look sad. It is hot and I am struggling, we need rain for the earth too cool it down again. I settled

late and tired, my faith is in my beloved Lord God and Savour Christ Jesus my King.

12/4/20

I woke ok, every week it gets harder not being able to be at church. I did a lot of colouring today to help

control my fidgets. I played on the Wii, sewed seeds, cleaned my icon corner and did a mega burndown. I

settled a little late considering I plan to get up tomorrow so I can get an expedition to Waitrose done to get

toner, deodorant and other essentials along with hopefully discounted eater eggs. I feel the world is at a

crossroads, ether we will change drastically for the better into a more God centred World or we will the path

in the other direction which could see the end times in my lifetime. All I can do is work on eradicating the

dark in myself. Fr Ph focused on this in his sermon today, the only aspect of Evil we have control over is

that in our own Hear. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus My King.

13/4/20

I woke ok, I did a lot of praying. I did some shopping and now have a surfeit of chocolate to last me until

Pentecost easily. I did Greek practice and some editing. I started today to concentrate enough to write. I

have found the long services and deep longing for communion that I have plunged dee into my hear. It (my

heart) needs cleaning as much as my icon corner did! Pride, Sloth, gluttony are all there in many forms.

Mainly Pride manifesting in the twin thorn bushes of false humility and fear. Just as Fr C identified at my

last confession. They are pride as they are pernicious as bindweed and prickly as thorns. it is them which

underpin all my other sins. I have emailed Fr C to touch base, let him know I am coping and asks if he

minds me using a local priest (FrA) for confession in this difficult time. I explained that my repentance had

deepened, and I needed to express this in confession while the feeling were there. If I were to leave it the

depth of repentance would grow cold again as I will get distracted, I know I will. This is an act of grace and I

want to make the most of it working with the Holy Spirit.

I retired a bit late considering the number of prayers I need to say. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and

Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

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14/4/20

I slept in a bit, I got some work done today and practiced my Greek. I also found a study on how people are

responding to situation which is looking for volunteers. I think I will volunteer for it; I already write this

journal so it is not much extra work for me and will provide a different perspective on the situation.

Bridegroom Matins went ok once I dealt with my technical issues. Although there was also a while spent

trying to tame one of the posters in the chat, Fr Ph removed the chat from the video afterwards as it got that

bad.

Fr C got bac to me; he is fine with me going to Fr A for confession in these strange times. He also let me

know a little of what is going on in the diocese and his thoughts. I responded where I could with facts and

my theological reflections on some aspects. I had a shower and settled reasonably, after a bit of a chat with

mum on theological things. I feel frightened inside, mainly as I fear what governments will do to control the

crises, and what they will fail to do. For myself I trust in my beloved Lord. I am preparing for confessions as

my hear stills and more sins become apparent to me and I am discovering the depth o evil I need to evict

from myself. I am suffering from a persistent minor infection in my tonsils and a flare up of dry skin, the

weather got hot and has not got cooler again which does my skin no good. I have arranged how Fr A will

bring my the mysteries, we will do it in the garden which will be undisturbed apart form the local cat and the

robins. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour my bridegroom Christ Jesus.

15/4/20

I slept in a bit, I went into town to get prescriptions, when I need to put in for more, I will do it at the local

pharmacy. I also did a little shopping. I did mots to the ironing. I “atteneded” the unction service. What court

my attention was that Fr Ph had altered the litanies slightly. He prayed for those present and those at

home, this is not the form I remember for the prayer, and a rather specific alteration for the specific situation

of this crises. I probably spent too much time watching You Tube mostly a channel I have just found called

pencils and prayer ropes, but it is a wholesome way to relax, at least not overtly sinful. I retired relatively

early it is a very early service in the morning. I will prep for communion and confession afterwards as is

suspect that my service will finish before Fr A gets to Southampton to celebrate. I renewed my antivirus

software today for two years. I did not do much else today but that is life. my faith is on my beloved Lord

God Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

16/4/20

I woke relatively early; I attended the liturgy then had a nap (I needed it). I spent an hour preparing for

confession and communion. It was worth it because I could quickly and accurately express where I had

signed with the clarity of deep self-examination. Fr A asked if there was any family issues as a result of the

lockdown, an expected question but not something troubling me at this time. I then received my beloved for

the fist time in four weeks. It was simple and quick because I had attended the service earlier, but it was a

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very powerful experience. I think that receiving outside next to the apple tree so in some ways reversing the

actions of Edan which helped the symbolic power of it. But grace flowed abundantly.

It is interesting theologically to receive in a working garden which contains flours and produce. A garden

which replicates what should have been in Edan. What struck me in reflecting was that I confessed before

the cross and gospel facing away from the Apple tree, I did the opposite of my first mother and

acknowledged my own sin and did not pass the blame. The reward was the words of mercy and I partook in

the tree of life my beloved Lord Christ Jesus rather than the tree of knowledge which leads to death. I am

just thankful for the grace I received and pray I can maintain it.

I did no work but I have volunteered for a project recording people experiences, something I think is

important for me to do so as an academic but also on behalf of the religious community I belong too since a

rang of perspectives is important. The response to my inquiry was positive, the researcher was willing to

accept older journal entries which show up the lead up to the lockdown. It also records the interesting

interaction of the industrial relations and the unfolding crisis.

The 12 gospels service was long, and I did a lot of doodling to keep my hands busy. I had a shower and

went to bed a bit earlier than sometimes as I need to be up at a silly time again tomorrow for Royal Hours.

I am not surprised by an extension of the lockdown; I am preparing myself for the next academic year to be

online at least in part. Realistically until we have an effective treatment which can be used at home as we

do with flu and an acute treatment which works along with at least the starts of vaccination we will have to

maintain distance and limit travelling. We could also do with an honest look at our society, we have done so

much good in the last few weeks, but it should not take a disaster to change this we should be doing it

anyway. A tiny virus has forced us to simplify our lives, we may discover we do not need all the stuff to be

happy and so work a better world for tomorrow. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ

Jesus my king.

17/4/20

I woke early for royal hours then slept again. No work today, too many services as it is Holly Friday. It is

hard not being at Church, I miss the atmosphere, the movement the fellowship. I may not be an obvious

people person, but worship together is special to me. I plan to be awake for the first liturgy but may need a

nap so I can be up for the great service. I also have bread backing plans for Pascha or Bright Monday, I

really want cheesy marmite bread, that is marmite bread with a cheese toping. I went to sleep a bit late as I

could not settle. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus.

18/4/20

I woke very early for the vesper’s liturgy, a bittersweet thing for me as I love the service. 7 years ago, in this

service I was baptised into the Orthodox Church. I spent the day watching You Tube Videos and playing

games.

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I showered, changed my bed lining and prepared for the Great Liturgy. The only thing I could do was ware

my new nightly and pray with the services. I cannot receive the true Pascha my beloved Lord I can only

hunger for it. My fast ending food ‘feast’ I one cracker with a piece of cheese, a hardboiled egg, a lemon

Bakewell and a small chocolate egg. I cannot bring myself to feast full. This may be Pascha, Christ is Risen

but the feast it is tinged with sorrow due to all the death and suffering. It will be a late night after a long day

but worth it. May Christ lead us out of this Hadies of suffering. My faith is in Christ my risen King and God.

19/4/20

Pascha!!!! Christ is Risen!

I slept in late, not a surprise as I was up until 3am. The liturgy was bittersweet, not being at church was

hard, yet I also engaged in my pleasure of comparing typicons which is something I have a habit of doing

and energy, not that I judge just observing the differences. I blessed my little feast of a piece of cheese on

a cracker, a hard-boiled egg, a lemon Bakewell and a little chocolate egg with holy Water when Fr was

blessing the eggs in the chapel online.

I shared lunch with the family which I cannot normally do on a Sunday. The creation by my siblings of ice

cream cookies is an incredibly festal food, but really nice. I spent the afternoon playing on the Wii on

Harvest Moon. I watched vespers. I emailed my Godmother I wishing her an happy feast. I watched Fr Ph’s

sermon which was both comforting and challenging. I also read the message form my bishop to his flock,

he is staying with us and sharing this struggle with us. He reminded us to pray for those who have the skills

to get us through this crisis and to use this time to draw close to God in Prayer, to develop out relationship

with God so we are able to receive the Eucharist better when we can finally can. He also encouraged us to

develop the little churches of our households. It is an inspiring and very practical message reflecting this

difficult time but also what we can do. I went to bed early as I am very tired. My faith is in my Risen Lord

Christ Jesus my King.

20/4/20

I slept in late as I was tired, that is despite waking twice overnight. I have discovered Fr Ph is doing a bible

study at 10 am so I have a reason to get up. I backed bread, I did some other chores and admin. I also

went to the local pharmacy but as they cannot get the HRT I need I will have to go into town tomorrow. I

had a shower and retired early. This is a weird situation but if I can exercise some self-discipline I will eb

able to get a lot of work done. I also need to get on Wii fit again. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus

my King.

21/4/20

I woke ok, it helps to have Fr Ph has started a short bible study at 10am, this gives me a reason to eb up

and downstairs early, today we did all of Mark 1.1 and will continue tomorrow. I went into town today to sort

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out my prescription and did a bit of shopping mum had been able to get. I got 1000 words written today and

exchanged emails with Lily. I also put into speak at the department virtual conference. My Greek is

improving slowly with plenty of vocab practice. I went to be at a reasonable time, partly as I am tired and

partly so I can get up. There are moments of stress especially form dad who is getting frustrated. It is a

school for patience for me and I pray it will help me acquire a little virtue. My faith is in Christ Jesus my

Risen Lord.

22/4/20

I woke ok, Pascha Matins is getting a little tedious, I made morning bible study, spent some time on the Wii

and Wii fit. I did some prep for candle making and a little thesis writing and practiced my Greek. I had a

shower and retired to bed early, I was moved today by the little message of thanks form Fr Ph on behalf of

the monastery in Hortshire for the donation. It was not a huge amount, but it helps them out and is part of

my supporting the church. I had a difficult night. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my Risen God

and King.

23/4/20

I did not get up as promptly as would have liked. I attended bible study, spent time on the Wii and did the

chores. I also eat too much chocolate. I failed to get any uni work done at all but did practice my Greek. I

went to bed at a reasonable time. I do not know when this time will end I just pray we emerge into a world

where the value of Human life is greater and inequalities are dealt with. We each have so much to repent

of. My faith is in my beloved Risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

24/4/20

I woke ok, I found the bible study helpful, I spent some time on Wii Fit. I got quite a bit of writing done, I

have finished the initial draft of Ch7. I exchanged emails with J my second supervisor, it shows me how

short sighted uni’s and seminaries are, after this crises there may will be a return to God as people seek

meaning, if we do not have scholars to train the new clerical vocations which will have lost much.

Thankfully a few uni’s are doing the right thing, the VC’s and senior management are tacking a 20% pay

cut, which amounts to a lot of money. I hope this is the beginning of a reshaping of academia and business

to respect the people and more realistic wages at both ends of the spectrum. I am pining after the services;

I so miss attending the liturgy and receiving communion. All the benefits of improved self-discipline and

bible knowledge mean little when I cannot consume and be consumed by my beloved Christ. My faith is in

my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

25/4/20

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I slept in a bit. Played a lot, I spent some time on wii fit. I started typing up journal entries while listing to pod

casts, I got 20 days done in 2.5hours done along with Greek practice which is not bad. I attended vespers

online. It is not the same even using incense at home. I just want to get back to worshipping at church. I did

some cooking as well. I am battling with serious Logismoi and despondency again. I know I am prone to

both and it is extirpated when I cannot go to church. I am just struggling to pray and not alow myself to

comfort eat as well. My faith is in my beloved Lord God savour Christ Jesus my King.

26/4/20

I woke ok, I prayed with the services online. I pine for the liturgy and to receive of my beloved though

communion. The lack of communion is the hardest thing for me. I spent a couple of hours typing up journal

entries, listing to podcasts, I spent about 40 minutes on wii fit and several hours on harvest moon. The

escapism helps and I can socialising in the game. I have a lot to do this week including a long and complex

supervision meeting. I had shower and settled ok. My faith is in Christ Jesus my risen Lord.

27/4/20

I woke ok after a slightly unsettled night including a nightmare. My anxiety must be up. I suspected this was

the case, but the nightmare confirmed it. I also baked some roles. I got quite a bit done typing up journal

entries and a bit of thesis, I got distracted into a linquistical aside in the writing. J is unwell so unable to join

us for the supervision on Wednesday, it is life and I pray he will recover soon, the meeting will still happen

with Fr A as form D needs to be done!!

I worked hard on the Wii and I am now feeling it, but it will be worth it in the long run (I hope). I got to bed a

bit late and tired. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and king.

28/4/20

I struggled to get up after a very disturbed night. I had a headache all day, I suspect the anxiety levels

which I have been hiding have triggered the nightmares and headaches. I spent the day typing up journal

entries up and got about 4000 words done, which is impressive. I had a shower and went to bed early. I

have supervision tomorrow; we have to do the annual review stuff since form D must be done. J may be

sick, but the paperwork still needs to be done. I can be positive about the lockdown; I have done the initial

draft of two chapters in 5 weeks!! That is impressive for me, there is still a lot to do but there is much

productivity. That is despite the involvement in the research project which is tacking time, practicing m y

Greek, chores, prayer/chapel (online), Wii fit and playing games. I have also been spending a lot of time on

YouTube which has been helping me especially finding an orthodox channel with illustrated bible stories,

this has been really positive. My faith is in my beloved God and Saviour Christ Jesus my Risen King.

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29/4/20

I woke ok, it would have been better if I had got up when I first woke though. I typed up journal, I had a

successful and productive supervision session, it was odd doing it without Harry and I need to send form F

to him tomorrow. I did the paperwork and got form D completed as well (good riddance). I played a little. I

had an idea on the back of a discussion Fr A and myself had about translations, that an interlinear version

of the liturgy for academic purposes would be good, and I also floated the idea that my being involved with

a conference Fr A is potentially running would be good experience and help my CV.

I have a lot of work to do tomorrow, I will get there with the Lord’s help and by his grace. I have got used to

not going out, it is not really an issue for me, it is just Church I miss. I plucked up the courage to comment

on a live stream I follow every week and mention I was missing Church. My faith is in my Beloved Lord God

and saviour Christ Jesus my Risen King.

30/4/20

I slept in as I had a disturbed night, I got this month’s submission for the project I am involved in sent off, I

practiced my Greek and did some admin. I played a bit, had a shower and settled a little on the late side. I

emailed Fr C today to let him know how things are going. My faith is in my beloved Risen Lord Christ

Jesus.

May 2020

1/5/20

I slept in a little, bible study today was pre-recorded as Ft Ph internet was playing up. I did the vacuuming, I

played on the Wii. I went through a number of journal articles adding aspect especially references to my

thesis. This involved a whole new section in one chapter, word count is fine still.

I watched a lot of YouTube videos partly as I found Fr S has stated using his channel again. I posted on

one video and got a quick and positive response from him. He has always been loving and also very

practical in a down to earth sort of way. He is always talking of hope and repentance which are the key

points of the Gospel.

I did my Greek practice, played a bit and got to bed a bit late. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my

King.

2/5/20

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I slept in a bit, I did no work, I played quite a bit and spent nearly an hour on Wii fit. I also watched a lot of

YouTube videos. I had a shower and changed my bed linins.

I am struggling with despondency again, this always happens when I have too long to dwell on things,

however hard I try if I am stuck at home with any contact outside the household, I will become despondent.

Away from home and family I can bee in stillness and silence and not fall into this, especially if I have a

spiritual guide at hand, but at home it always happens. I just feel so alone and unloved all that is going on

in my head is negative comments from my childhood, teacher and peers alike but also in family ones which

were well meant to prevent pride but missed the fact pride was not an issue and that I suffered with and still

do struggle with such low self-esteem that true humility is a struggle for me. I am plagued by false humility

an inverted form of pride which condemns me to a blizzard of logismoi and harmful ways of dealing with the

dark pain inside. I struggle to accept the love I am offered, I have come a long way but this time could set

me back several years especially as my tactile sensitivity’s make things like mask waring impossible. I also

find it difficult when other people are since I rely on lipreading to understand what is being said especially if

the voice is muffled or not clear. I also find masks intimidating and scary which does not help my anxiety. I

could well end up trapped at home because I cannot deal with waring a mask or others doing so, which

would put my heath at risk if I could not access the ongoing care I need as a result of the situation witch

would lead to me becoming a danger to myself within a month of the blocker waring off. I hope common

sense prevails, masks are a falce hope, effective treatments, a vaccine and good hygiene are what works.

Fabric masks in particular are asking for trouble, and medical ones are needed for those working in high

risk situations not shopping in a carefully and socially distancing way.

I do not know what will happen I just know that there will be a lot of suffering as a result of this situation and

the virus some of it direct and much more indirect coursed by badly created mitigations and people not

being sensible so picking on people who do not act in the same way as they do for whatever reason.

My faith is in my risen lord Christ Jesus my king.

3/5/20

I woke ok, I got so frustrated I had a small meltdown due to the morning live stream running late. Technical

issues I suspect. I did watch back the liturgy part after saying the reader’s matins with full psalms and

canon rather than the abridged version. It was the saying of psalms which claimed me down.

I played a lot on my computer and on the Wii, I also spent some time on Wii fit. I am running very low in my

HRT, I hope and pray that I will get the text saying that the next scrip is ready for collection tomorrow. The

anxiety is not helping.

I got to bed a bit late, tired and unsettled. My faith is in my risen lord Christ Jesus my King.

4/5/20

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I overslept a little, I made it to bible study on time. I only got a little research done and played a bit. I spent

some time on Wii Fit and worked a solution out for the prescription issues.

I am struggling with anxiety around how the changes to the restrictions will happen, I could not wear a

mask I could not tolerate it across my face. I also feel the government is not being really honest about the

effectivity of masks outside a clinical setting and putting too much store in the app that many people cannot

(for tech reasons) or will not use. Great opportunities are also being missed to do good as well.

As for the university situation, a blanket maximum increase of 5% will not help, big Russel group unis will

still be able to hover up all the students as 5% for them is a big number, on a courses of 100 it is another 5.

For a small uni it may be 5 students across a department. Here, we would be looking a t 2-300 more

students across the uni, where would we put them for a start? And that is only the undergrad numbers.

There is likely to be an increase in people staying on or returning for a masters too. Where are the lecturers

and assistants to deal with these students? Probably looking for the union joining form or scraping together

this years subs as they are overworked and underpaid if they are even on a contract that is better than

hourly paid at effectively less than minimum wage after tacking the workload into account. That is if they

are paid at all as PHD students! Unless there is a significant reduction in overseas students (with my uni it

is not that overloaded) the staff workloads will be even more unmanageable, cue long term works to

contract and possibly strikes. We shall see but UCU will be spitting feathers again which is the normal state

of affairs as for NUS I suspect the battle axes are being sharpened again!

I think is I can find a opening, the Irish HE sector looks marginally less dysfunctional. We shall see there is

not much I can do apert from get my thesis finished. Mu faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

5/5/20

I overslept a little. I walked my feet off but got the prescriptions sorted. I made cookies and played on the

Wii. I got some academic work done and stated doing the module valuation which will be held online at the

end of the month.

I got to bed late and tired, I am really worried about all the talk around masks, I could not wear one as it

would course serious overstimulation on my face and depending on the thickness the feeling of being

suffocated. This would at best trigger anxiety attacks and at worst a full-blown meltdown. I feel like the

needs of the deaf community and those with sensory difficulties need are overlooked. If masks become

mandatory, I will be trapped at home until there is a vaccine unable even to access the medical care I need

or work because it will not be possible for me to ware a mask and stay in a place mentally that I can

function as a rational human.

I think it is all a mess and the unis are not covering themselves in glory either. The desire to find a job

outside of the UK is increasing. Simply as other places seem at least for hear to be more pragmatic. My

faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus My King.

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6/5/20

I slept in after a difficult night of gut issues. I did some work on my module validating and played a lot . I am

struggling with anxiety over the next steps. I have put in for a mentoring session and one with Rachel

working on editing. I had a shower and got to bed reasonably. My faith is in my risen lord Christ Jesus my

King.

7/5/20

I slept in again. I played a lot and did the chores. I did some Greek practice. I attended the Virtual drinks on

Zoom, which was easy and good fun. It was good to catch up with some of the others. I am not much for

socialising but it helps to do so sometimes.

I just hope and pray that the government are sensible about the changes they plan. I need to get some

work done tomorrow not just play. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King and God my beloved.

8/5/20

I woke ok, I got a reasonable amount of things done, it is a slog going through journal articles but rewarding

when I find something I had missed or support for an argument. I made the bible study class with Fr Ph. I

played a bit on my computer and I spent some time on the Wii fit games. I had a shower and wrote story

before I went to sleep. My faith is in my risen lord Christ Jesus my King.

9/5/20

I slept in a bit. I did a range of admin and played a lot. I keep dreaming about being in liturgies and

receiving communion. I am really missing church. I got no academic work done but that is often the case on

a Saturday. I attended vespers online the camera was in the Alter today which was an angelic perspective.

I got to bed late but with what I needed to attend the liturgy tomorrow and the other services. My faith is in

my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

10/5/20

I woke ok, I hate not being able to go to church, I am not an extrovert but praying at churches special. I also

miss communion dreadfully. I will have to organise Fr A bringing me communion again. It helps to watch a

service online, I would not be able to say all the services myself on my own week after week, I am not

called to be a hermit, nor would I be able to cope doing them on a prayer rope. I need contact with othe rs to

motivate me. I suspect deep down I am envious of those in a faithful family who have a microcosm of the

church at home in which they can pray.

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I played a lot, and spent a short amount of time on Wii Fit. The prime minister’s address was farcical. There

was little in the way of real information. It was old stile schoolteacher across a desk ‘I know it all’ position, a

pretty rubbish pedagogy and a waffly convoluted unclear presentation. The information could have been

presented in 5 minutes using a poster presentation which made clear the alert levels along which what

actions are at each level. Then a statement of where we are and this is how we plan to take the next step.

Simple, clear, intelligible, and not patronising. As it is if I was presented with that sort of unclear and poorly

written presentation as a paper for a module it would fail. Poor presentation style, lack of clarity and failure

to clearly communicate the intended information and a lack of engagement with the learning outcomes. It

would fail at level 4 as a first-year presentation.

I had a shower and settled reasonably; I need to be up tomorrow to attended virtually a presentation for the

conference I should have been attending. I need to get a lot done this week but if the Lord sustains me I will

get there.

My faith is in my Beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

11/5/20

I woke early by some grace I made the lecture on time despite a miscalculation om my part about the time.

I think I will put it down to Fr Ph’s prayers.

The diakonia conference I should have been at this week as is obviously cancelled. But five online lectures

are being held instead. It was really interesting today and I a more comfortable that my work will fit within

the wider part of the diaconate field and with the recent trends in the field.

I made online bible study and posted a greeting to Fr Ph who then embarrassed me by saying he had been

thinking of me, I did not quite have the courage to post the embarrassed emoji, but now with that I had.

I spent forty minutes on Wii Fit, I got 10 or so articles and a book read through. I had a productive study

skills and played a little bit. I still think the government is putting money before heath and that the current

advice is too confusing. I would not be surprised if cases go up again in the next few weeks. It should have

bene two or more weeks later before stating to ease restrictions to brake as many chains of transmission

as possible.

I will find the requirement to cover my face extremely difficult as I have extremely sensitive skin and I

cannot real with things around my face and neck. I just cannot tolerate it for more than a few seconds

except with sedation. I know this form experience. At a pinch I could where one of my liturgical vail and pin

it across my face in such a way it is not in contact with my face and replicate the effect of a mask. It is not

as good as a close-fitting mask, but I can tolerate it for a few minutes rather than seconds. Those of us with

sensory issues, those who rely on lip reading and of course those with trauma in their past could have real

difficulties with masks or face coverings and that is not being acknowledged.

This whole mess will blow up in the governments face. I am definitely going to look for work outside of the

UK once I finish. my eczema has gone mad on my hands and arms front he amount of soap I am using

Altered for clarity by the researcher

even using vegetable glycerine soap rather than that with sodium lauryl sulphate in. I went to bed early and

tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my Risen King.

12/5/20

I woke early, I made the seminar on time, in fact early enough to be asked to introduce myself. I managed

despite a wave of inward anxiety. In the questions someone asked about Virgins and Widows, I initially

responded in the chat and was then asked to speak a little: basically, my answer was, “work in progress as

part of my thesis which should be done next year.” I got the impression of support for my mission to bring

some light on the Minor Orders form some senior members of the deaconate field.

The Bible Study was Good. I am learning so much I did not realise about the scriptures. They are a factual

getting deeper and more complex the longer you look. I spent some time on the Wii. I got quite a lot of

Work Done.

I have been invited to submit a written paper for the departmental conference so am going into full essay

researching and writing mode. I also organised a study skills session. It is good to eb busy but also a

challenge. I will still make the livestreams I have been watching and the like, probably the PGR social too, I

need theses brakes away from study. I also think on my SCH paper, I may develop the ideas from the

department paper but I think a specific look at the role of the deacon in healing, focused on 3/4 th century

Syria and Antioch as sources are well provided for even if the translations can be difficult. The collection of

Church Order texts is key. It could be an initial reflection of the role of the deacon in healing. I planted some

more carrot seeds. I had a shower and settled a little late as I kept getting distracted. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my Risen King.

13/5/20

I woke early again. I am enjoying the online presentations and have been able to connect to others in the

chat, this is good for my confidence in the gifts and ability’s I have been given by God. Getting up early is

tiring though. I attended bible study and remembered the other live stream I have been watching only just

after it started.

My research for the paper on the patristic response to plague is coming together. I will start writing in the

next day or so.

I also attended a webinar on managing social media accounts, I need to check the settings on Li and

Academia but as I keep few such accounts it is not so hard to manage my digital footprint. My YouTube

activity is limited to posting comments on videos and livestreams often with an academic overtone. It is just

an added complication that I am present online as Phoebe since I prefer to go by my middle name both

personally and as an academic.

I played a bit and went up later than ideal as I was tired but got on with getting to bed. My faith is in my

Risen Lord Christ Jesus on this feast of Mid Pentecost.

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14/5/20

I woke ok, the talk was interesting despite the technical glitches. I was given a led on a book I need but had

not heard about, it is now on Order. That will help me pass.

Bible study was Good. I did some research and played on the Wii. Mentoring went ok. I had a nap as I am

physically drained by being up early every day. I joined in the PGR virtual Drinks on Zoom, not a brilliant

schoor in the Quiz this week but it is good to socialise. I have volunteered to do a topic next week on the

NT a range of questions some easy some more challenging and one will be fiendishly difficult of course,

that will be a fun write. I had a shower and get to bed a bit late considering how tired I am.

I am praying for the brothers (novices) at the monastery of Sts Antony and Cuthbert as they have not been

well for a while and the pair of then had to go to the doctors this morning. My faith is in my Risen Lord

Christ Jesus my God and King.

15/5/20

I woke Ok but not early, as I was very tired. I did not go on the Wii today due to that tiredness. The last part

of the conference went ok, a little later than I had been studying but interesting. I found even more material

I need!

I played a lot, did the ironing and watched the bible study I am following. I finally had inspiration for the work

rather late and got some first ideas down on my paper. It should come together ok. I got to bed late and

tired. A am in the process of organising Fr A to visit again to bring me communion again. I is a real lifeline

for me, but I cannot ask too often or the neighbours will notice. It is safe enough, if anyone at home was

sick, I would not ask him to come and if he was isolating due to contact with someone he would not. My

faith is in my beloved Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

16/5/20

I slept in late, I needed it. I got no work done and played a bit. The Zoom afternoon tea for the joint birthday

of one of my Cosens and my Aunt was Good. I ran the tech our end as I know how. It was definitely more

manageable than seeing the rest of the family in person, or at least less stressful for me. I attended

Vespers online. I have arranged for Fr A to bring me communion tomorrow. I had a shower and settled late

considering I had a long version of compline to say. My faith is in my beloved Risen Lord Christ Jesus my

King.

17/5/20

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I woke ok, I managed to concentrate through the service mostly, apart from the distraction of arranging with

Fr A about a slight change of time as to when he could come to bring me communion.

I played a lot and spent some time on Wii fit. I got to bed late and a little tired. I am so thankful I have been

able to receive communion. It strengthens me and brings into reality that which I have been participating in

at a distance.

My mobile is still playing up as I am going to consider a new phone and sim card. I may even go for a

contract but I do not know. I just do not know how much I would use a smart phone and if the hassle is

worth it. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my Lord and King.

18/5/20

I slept in a little after than intended. Bible study was good, and I did my time on the Wii. I got more than

1200 words written on my paper on my plagues. Now settling into editing and quote adding, which will fill

out the text, even not counting the footnotes.

I linked up with others through the day to join up with the writing days. It helps to have the companionship

when writing and accountability. I had a late shower and got bed later than intended. My faith is in my

beloved Risen Lod God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

19/5/20

I woke ok, Bible study went ok, I have finished a first draft of the paper for the department conferences. I

spent 45 minutes on Wii Fit. I got bed late and tired. I do not know what the level will be or what it will come

but I can be shore it will be as traumatic as any other birth. I just want to be able to go to church again. It

has been so long and although I can attend serves online it is not the same.

As I stand on the eve of my 31st birthday I do not know what the future will hold. I can only be shore that I

know the way I must walk for He goes before me and that my purpose is the proclamation of the Good

News, and the announcing the Kingdom. It may be hard, lonely and at times demoralising but my hope is

shore and steadfast and he always provides for me.

My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus God and King.

20/5/20

I woke ok, bible study was good and challenging. I went shopping, standing in the sun for 20 minuets in a

que was not much fun but I got what I needed and stuff for the house. I did only a little on Wii Fit and played

Harvest Moon for several hours. I purposefully did no work today. I got a lot of money. I also got an

academic book I wanted, with more on order.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I prepared my part of the quiz for tomorrow night. I do not know what my 32nd year will hold for me except

challenge and change. Yet I trust my Lord will see me through as ever. I had a shower and settled ok but

tired and suffering from overheating (I do not like hot weather). My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my

King.

21/5/20

I woke ok, I got a little thesis work done and finished my references of my paper on the response to this

crises. The webinar in the final Viva was interesting and thought provoking. I enjoyed the meet up with the

others and my contribution to the quiz was well received.

I played a bit, I read a little and got to bed late. I started on my birthday book which has already earnt a

place in my lit review or at least the philosophic bit of my methodology.

I do not like the hot weather and need to work on my self control around food. My faith is in my beloved

Lord Christ Jesus my King and God.

22/5/20

I woke ok, I got the bible study which was good. I got 5 papers read through and some editing done on the

ecclesiology chapter, including the addition of a paragraph which fits within the wordcount.

I also got some editing done in the study skills and afterwards. The webinar on publication was interesting.

Journals on church history in particular have rubbish impact scores because it is just not a fast turn over in

the Church history field unless a controversy is sparked by some one or something.

I cort up with the others at the end of the day briefly. I got a reasonable amount done but will have to work

at least some of tomorrow. I got to bed late and tired. I do not know what sort of sector I will fledge into but I

must keep an eye on job opportunity’s locally for the next year and more widely beyond that. We shall see

but I trust my Lord will provide in the way he always does. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus.

23/5/20

I slept in a bit, I just struggled to get up today. I washed the bras and hang up a wash. I have edited a paper

on the theological response to Corvid19 and finished referencing it. I have asked Fr A as my supervisor to

look at it for me. I got to vespers ok, I played quite a bit and got to bed late after typing up some of my

diary, long philosophic reflections. We had the first salad meal of the year, dad grumbled as always. I just

which he would stop being so negative, it is hard work dealing with the constant negativity and grumbling,

especially when he must always be the centre of attention. I am really looking forward to being able to

move out of home. I good thing was I found that I have a refund for my cancelled flights to Finland

my faith is in my risen Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

24/5/20

I woke ok, liturgy was ok, I really mess being at church for more reasons than I can articulate. I watched a

lot of videos, I did a little typing, and a lot of playing. I also fort technical glitches in the Wii. I had a showe r

and settled ok but not as early as I would have liked. I have a lot of uni work to get done this week. My faith

is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

25/5/20

I slept in a bit, I sill made bible study. I played more than I should have. Spent some time on Wii fit.

I got very frustrated with a conference I am producing a paper for, the stile guide came out with only 10

days until submission, I had my first draft written a week ago! So it is way too late and the idea I have to

completely redo the referencing into a completely different system where everything has to be done twice

differently. I dislike intext citations as they brake up the flow of the text so only really work for quotes not

inferences, and it is unclear which text for a writer you mean and in a small field like mine where there are a

limited number of writers and regular republications or editions it is just not feasible to keep up with who

published what when or know which text is being referred too. Then there has to be a reference list at the

end with all the details. It is so much more efficient to use bibliographic foot notes all the information is

there where it is needed, if you want to know what a text is it is right there at the bottom of the page. There

is also no need for a cumbersome reference list with bibliographic foot notes.

All Church History Journals use a variant of bibliographic footnoting, so do the books. In fact all theology

book which use foot notes or end notes if they are any good.

I was also insulted by the requirement to transliterate the Greek and not include the original. Any good

schooler would expect to original plus a translation s I wrote even if the reader does not know the language.

A transliteration is pointless, if you can read the language you do not need it and if you cannot it is of no

help. It is also hypocritical as Latin and old English can be in the original text since it uses the same

alphabet. I get less enamoured with the event by the day and am now seriously considering tacking my

paper elsewhere, like the EHS blog or offering it to the diocese for the website, or possibly the OFSJB

(Orthodox Fellowship of St John the Baptist) for their website/ the Forerunner journal.

I have emails Fr A, he puts up with so much form me. I got some work on my thesis done and some other

typing. I got to bed late and tired and over hot. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus My King.

26/5/20

I overslept as I was tired. I did what I needed to in town. I also got a lot of admin done. I got a reasonable

amount of work done, I need to work on editing on some areas to reduce my word count. I have a very

productive session form reading the E-Book I have got too, parts of it are going in all over the shop which is

useful. I had a shower, wrote some story and settled ok. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour

Christ Jesus my King.

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27/5/20

I woke ok, I made bible study, but not the start of the sure up and write day. I got less than intended done

as emails took over again, mainly dealing with the paper I have been writing. I understand what needs to be

done to fit the other system, it is just a lot of work since I use a bibliographic footnote system which

elevates the need for a bibliography in most situations. I am still very annoyed about the transliterating the

Greek thing. P one of my fellow students (speciality in Law) was horrified once he understood the concept,

as a native Greek speaker he could see how unpractical it is. I have a feeling the Forerunner editor will

bight my hand off for the paper as it addresses the concerns of the Orthodox readership and puts things

into perspective.

I attended Vespers online, played for a while and settled late. I trust my beloved Lord God and Saviour will

lead me through this time of temptation and struggle.

28/5/20

I wole very early, I watched the services, bittersweet as they are. Found out later that Fr Ph had been

thinking of me therefore praying for me which included me in the liturgical fellowship. The bible study was

good, although I could do without yet more research ideas that I do not have time to follow through. I spent

some time on wii fit and played a bit. I baked fairy cakes and type dup journal. I had a shower and settled

early for me as I am tired.

I am not letting myself worry about the wider world more than to pray for it. I have thesis to write, chores to

do and conference papers to publishable while maintaining my grasp on sanity. I have a lot to do tomorrow

but at least I will get paid for some of it. My faith is in my Risen and ascended Lord Christ Jesus.

29/5/20

I woke ok, I did some stretches and running in the garden to help me wake up and it worked the course

validation was both interesting and challenging even without technical interruption at my end.

I got all my chores done and I started working on my glossary. I also had to tweak form D. paperwork I like

that, the changes were accepted. Hopefully early next week I will get invited to join the final PGR research

module. I have got to do some work to get the glossary done tomorrow

I court up with the others at lunchtime and the end of the day. It was the turn of one of the others to rant, it

helps to talk things through with the others in the same boat. I could and did offer a practical solution to the

problem which had appeared.

I played a bit. I got to bed late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King and Saviour.

30/5/20

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I slept in and needed it, I changed my bed linins, I got a draft of my glossary done, all but 1 word. I

played a bit, had a bit of a perusal of the job market. I attended vespers online, I am having my patience

tested by people using the microwave when I am praying with acerbic meaning my internet stops working. I

had a shower and settled late.

I really do not like this hot weather, I would rather like some rain, for the land of course but it would also

drive people back indoors and help curtail the spread of the virus. 3-4 weeks of rain, not continuous but

frequent enough and unpredictable enough to keep people in and water the land would be a blessing, It

would also help put out the heath firs. I think the government are being political and economic pressure so

as to open up too fast and too early. It is inviting a second wave, not as bad a s the US which did not even

really take the top off the first wave, but bad and leading to a return to stricter lockdown. More patience

would lead to less restriction in the long run. Rushing will course us to have to backtrack, it is a nasty thing.

Too late in lockdown, too quickly out and more will die before their time.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Savour Christ Jesus my King.

31/5/20

I woke ok after a disturbed night. I cannot express how much I miss worship at church, praying with an

online service even in real time is not the same. I just want to pray with someone else physically.

The government are being silly again, not that that is anything new. I mean telling those who are shielding

they can meet one other person outside at a distance when the exterminated new care rate is 8000 a day. I

mean silly or what. They are feeling economic pressure and the inability of people to be self-disciplined

rather than science in the decision making. The other countries which are relaxing it is because they have a

robust test and trace system along with a transmission rate of less than 1000 a day or the equivalent. They

got transmission rates down and waited five or so days so most cases were known before slowly releasing.

We went down late and not that effectively and are now coming out too early. We have done well compare

to the US which is an effectively unchecked peek, but even our dependent states have done better. The

Isle of Man and the Channel Islands have had penny numbers of cases do to strict quarantine, testing,

tracing and isolating. The Man government showed the UK government up a lot.

I went to bed early as I plan to be up early and exercises before it gets too hot, I also have a lot of thesis

work to do. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

June 2020

1/6/20

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I woke early, it was definitely better to do my exercise early before it got hot. I got some admin done and I

got some text reed through. A long process with some not that I am deep reading rather I am skimming

since I just need the just of the text to see if anything is relevant to my study. I have the joy of working in

another paper which should not have been published as it did not engage with a lot of the writings of the

field and misrepresented some significant points.

I would not publish my BA thesis unless I had time to substantially rework it, each chapter is probably worth

a substantial book with the texts I now know of. So I can see now these texts should not be published. The

editor of the Forerunner got back to me and will consider my text so I got it to him, Fr A had only one

alteration in his review of it for me which is incredible.

The shut up and write today was good and did help me write. I am not joining the PGR symposium on

Wednesday as I find them trying at the best of times and I would rather be at work, to earn money and just

get away from screens for a time.

I had a shower and settled a little late. I am hoping that the text about my prescription arrives tomorrow, I

will get it on Wednesday if it dose as one trip out is more efficient. I am not looking forward to sorting out

the water system at work. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

2/6/20

I overslept a bit as I was tired. It has been uncomfortably worm again. I manged to reed through the text of

one book, important because it spawned a whole new subsection and several revisions in chapter 7 along

with some editing in to the inro, it was so much use it got a footnote in the lit review. I scanned several

other papers as well. I have also located yet another paper for the too read pile. Another idea jo ined my list

of potential journal papers too.

I had an email back from the editor of the Forerunner that my paper on plague is being considered for the

summer edition. I played a bit and got to bed reasonably. It will be a long and physically hard day tomo rrow

but 4.5 hours at work is preferable to a day of pretending to pay attention to the PGR Seminar. I went to

one back when I had just stated but I found it tedious, an online one will not be any better. Work and writing

even editing is preferable.

I settled a little late considering how much I have to do. My faith is in my Risen and ascended Lord Christ

Jesus my King and mu God.

3/6/20

I overslept a bit, I got no uni work done but did make bible study. I spent 3 hours sorting out the prescription

issue, it had been sent to the wrong pharmacy again!!! I did the vacuuming, had a shower wrote some story

and settled late. I will be going to work tomorrow. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my King.

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4/6/20

I slept in a bit late. I got to bible study just. I got not academic work done and played a bit.

I spent 4 hours at work and got a lot done. Which was a satisfying feeling.

The virtual drinks and quiz was good too. It helps to socialise a bit. I got to bed later than I would have

liked. My right big toe hurts as I squashed it earlier and have now put moisturiser on it, but the myrrh will

prevent infection and comfrey will help it heal.

I do not know why the government have now decided to make masks mandatory on public transport

although not until the 15th. It feels like doing things for the sake of doing them. A mask used correctly when

someone is infected reduces the spread, but it is less proven in preventing infection, keeping a distance

from other people is more effective. I am one of those who cannot ware a mask for several reasons. The

fist is a result of the nightmares I have had for years, I would feel like I am suffocating which would trigger a

panic attack. I also have sensory issues which mean I cannot tolerate anything close around my neck or

across my lower face. It makes me claustrophobic and courses an anxiety attack which leads to a panic

attack or a full meltdown, which vary in severity but if it develops into a migraine it can last 18-20 hours.

The longer the event the longer the recovery which can take up to a week during which time I am prone to

repeated more minor events.

Even if churches can resume services, I will be unable to go as I have no way to get there and it could last

for a long time. The government says there will be wavers for some disabled but there is not clarity on what

those will be or how they will be recognised. There are so many unanswered questions on practicalities but

also an aspects of equality, and I am not even going to mention the hypocrisy.

I trust my Risen and ascended Lord God and Saviour Jesus will see me through.

5/6/20

I overslept again, I made bible study which was good. I got some Greek translation done, and a bit of

admin. I played on the Wii.

I am getting more and more anxious about the whole Mask issue. I will have to make time to write to my

MP for all the good it will do. I will also have to talk to a doctor as I suspect the only way to avoid it will

probably be to be able to prove I cannot with a doctor’s note. I will however effectively be more trapped at

home than at the hight of the lockdown.

I have manged to get a nurse’s appointment for next Wednesday for the Zorodex injection. It was quicker

and simpler than I had feared it would be. My mood and anxiety has not been helped by the hormones

reappearing and the pain that courses physically and mentally.

The management of all of this has been a farce, mismanaged and hyped. I fear equality rights for the

differently able will be put back years by it and the new rules about masks will force capable people out of

work and possibly course suicides by people unable to cope or articulate the problem or through shear

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isolation. Masks are ultimately dehumanising especially when forced on others because they prevent the

recognition of other people. Even if I can get a doctor’s note I will be effectively trapped at home most of the

time, with my basic rights denied since I will struggle to access the medical care I need. I will be unable to

travel freely, unable to got o church even when other people will eb able to.

What is not being reported is the discovery of a broad-spectrum antiviral which works on all Corona viruses.

If this proves truly effective on Corvid19 it could be prescribed as Tamiflu was in the swine flu outbreak and

possibly to close contacts to prevent them developing it if they court it before symptoms developed. This

would effectually control spread and get community spread down below an R of 0.5 which would mean a

very rapid burn out of the virus. Then add the vaccination and it is dealt with. I know antivirals work, I

caught flue possibly swine flu in 2009 I carefully isolated myself and was prescribed Tamiflu, a week later I

had recovered and none of my housemates caught it from me. Although I might have court it from the first

year who caught everything but even that is unlikely. I did eat a lot of fruit and honey in that time too, and

as for the concoction I use on my skin to ease my chest it is best not to enquire closely into the mix of

herbs.

In fact the use of an effective antiviral will be a breakthrough when combined with quarantine/self-isolation

of cases. Not rocket since and more practical than blanket mask wearing as it does insight hatred or

discriminate against part of society.

I trust my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus will sustain me through this time.

6/6/20

I slept in really late but needed it. I got some more Greek translation done. I also played a lot.

I found some interesting discussion’s about masks and hypersensitivity in the Altisum community, which

was also contributed to by those with traumatic reasons to struggle with masks. I them found two

interesting Canadian articles about visors as an alternative for the very young, those with breathing issues

and those with sensory issues. The science is more mature than for masks but the indicated 80% reduction

in infections form direct exposure and how much easier visors are to ware and clean makes them a good

alternative. I could cope with a visor and it would not set off my sensory issues and in some ways would

give me more personal space.

I need to write a list of letters to write, 1 to my consultant, 2 to my MP, 3 to the autism assessment teem as

it is becoming increasingly difficult for me. I must also contact disability about getting my DSA form done,

we could do it on teems, I just could not face the paperwork alone. I also need to communicate with the SU

on the Mask issue so they can rase it with he management. Ideally form day 1 the uni will say masks or

Visors as this will provide for 99% of people. I will also need to rase the PGR library access issue, our reps

are working on it but if I am contacting the SU anyway it is worth them being aware.

I got to bed late and did not settle quickly. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus who bestows us with is

hall Holy and Life-giving Spirit.

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7/6/20

I woke ok, I enjoyed attending matins and liturgy online, I have always liked Pentecost as a feast. I have a

special fondness for the Sunday vespers which was also broadcast. I really miss going to church though

and do not know when I will be able to again which is really hard.

I am struggling with my hormones so even getting the Greek translation work done tomorrow will be an

achievement, that and admin. I must also start on my mountain of letters. I got to bed later than intended

and tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my king and God.

8/6/20

I slept in late. My hormones are making life difficult. I got my translation work finished and checked by Fr A.

I had some lively discussion’s with other PGR’s in out Zoom chats. I got some Work admin done, I

registered for a careers event and played a bit. I settled late a read a bit.

I really thing society as a whole is coming to a great crisis which will shape how we go forward. It is that

sort of crises which when ignored ignites a revolution. It is not just the virus by ignored inequality.

I am not surprised that some research is suggesting that this virus has been around since late last summer

suggesting a much lower underlying R rate and that many of us may already have been exposed. We may

never know for certain but things are not how they seemed to be as with much of life.

Fr Ph talked about the importance of Christianity changing us entirely in bible study today. One important

part of this is us being able to observe and appreciate things without the need to hold on to them which was

illustrated by an amusing story. This is true in our lives shore but also as countries and societies. We must

be able to learn from our past and the wider situation but we must not fossilise what we observe rather we

must move on growing from the past into God’s future. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour

Christ Jesus my King.

9/6/20

I slept in late. I only got a little reading done of my uni work. I did however have the admin meeting on

teems to sort out my pay. I spent just over 3.5 hours at work.it was physically hard work but I a sense of

achievement in how much I got done. Dad also came down to start the woodwork which needs doing.

Although I understand why so many people are angry at the racism which is happening in America I fear it

will overshadow all the other injustices which are happening and promulgating new ones. I also disagree

with the removal of public reminders of the past. No human is perfect and it is better that both sides are

shown publicly than neither. History clearly shows what happens when events or people are covered up.

The early modern and Victorian even into the 20th century suppression of women’s voices was in part built

on medieval history where the acts of women were written out of history. This wholesale writing out of

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history because it was theologically inconvenient led to huge atrocities in later centuries because of

misunderstanding and a limited history heavily influenced by specific bias. The writing and teaching of

history still suffers from a strong bias, selectivism and wilful ignoring of aspects. This needs to be tackled

but not by interpreting the facts in such a way it invalidates other people’s history.

One story must not be validated at the experiences of others or all it does is store up problems for the next

generation. The skeletons in the historical cupboard need dealing with for shore, we might need an

archaeologist as there are a lot of them not just the ones in vogue now. We also have to respect that

history is a foreign country and should not be judged by our code of ethics. If we do we miss the point and

the lessons we could learn from the past.

That is one thing, dealing with institutional injustices on the bases of Race, Gender, Class, Disability and

wealth all of which is rife is another problem which needs dealing with. Major and radical societal change is

needed as rampant capitalism is not the answer, the system exploits everyone including the rich.

Communism is marginally better. What is needed is a system where all have enough for the basics but an

incentive to improve themselves for themselves and to give back to society as a whole. This is radical but it

can happen. A microcosom is seen in the monastic communities when they are heathy. Shore it can be

done by the state, a universal healthcare system, schooling, minimum housing provision, radically a UBI

(Universal Basic Income). Yet it will only work if each and every person, or at least a majority of people,

commit to ending all forms of exploitation, persecution and scapegoating in their own lives. Only when we

take responsibility for ourselves for the better can we begin to change society.

It can happen the invention of Hospitals, Hospices, orphanages, arms houses all happened because of this

sort of movement in late antiquity. The reformation of mental heath care, free schooling for all, sanitation,

universal suffrage, universal healthcare at point of need, heath and safely legislation, working time

legislation, disability discrimination legislation, the Equalities act. All of this happened because people

made a stand in their own lives first. Schooling in particular came from individuals and charities doing it so

shaming the government into action.

Yes some protesters were violent, the suffragettes being the most noticeable example, but in the end it was

service in WW1 which won the right to vote. Shouting “Black Lives Mater” and pulling down statues is

symbolic. What matters and will make a difference is how we treat each and every other person we come

into contact with. I do not care the slogans you chant or protests attended if you do not treat every other

person as you would Christ it is hypocrisy.

Injustice is rife in our society and it is not just rase based. Until we as individuals and as a society own up to

the fact that we exploit people all the time as a matter of course in the way society is run. This will continue

with one headline grabbing injustice or another happening to lead, but no lengthy sustained change.

The message of St John the Baptist rings clear, “Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” Christ is

risen form the Dead and alongside death has trampled all forms of injustice for what worse can be done

than the Crucifixion? We know the Truth, we know the Way we even know the Life yet who of us truly

commits to the life of repentance, to the life of faith and honesty with ourselves? This great excitable

explosion is in part because people could and would not deal with the darkness in ourselves, they were not

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ready or able to meet themselves and the horror of our true selves. Yet under that is the clear

understanding of Christ in Wo’s image we are made. Just as CSLeiwis describes the terror of joy of looking

into Aslan’s face1 so it is to come face to face with the living God and to truly know yourself for who you are.

The stillness the stopping of the lockdown allowed or forced people to do this and most could not deal with

the terrible silence, a silence pregnant with potential. So the spark of a police killing set of an explosion

around the world, proving the distraction people wanted for form their own reality, we have avoided the

nature of our condition since the fall and that is a far grater pandemic in the world than Corvid 19. This virus

was a call to repentance to metanoia, the turning back to ourselves which as a species we have done a

good job of ignoring. The greater and more deadly pandemic, for it always kills, is sin. Yet for sin there is a

cure and a well-established method of therapy. It is not easy though, so many ignore it in favour dyeing

slowly in comfort rather than die to sin and therefore to become alive.

I think I have philosophised sufficiently for today. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ

Jesus my God and my King.

10/6/20

I slept in late. I got to my nurses’ appointment on time, she was running late though. I do not like injections,

but it provides sanity. The two noticeable things were many fewer patents and the needing to sign a form

saying you understand the Covid regulations. I had a little wait to get into Sainsburys’ but it was quick and

simple to do shopping.

I got soaked despite my coat on the way home. So I had to change all my clothes below the waste.

I started tacking the final research module and decided that the handbook was so badly written it left me

confused. I gathered some ideas (I will type them up) and organise supervision with Fr A. together we will

work it out as always. I wrote a first draft of a letter to my consultant and of my proposal for a SCH article

for the edition on the Church in Sickness and Heath, to propose a paper on the deacon as an agent of

healing. It is a spin off from other work I am doing including my thesis but if I get into SCH it will be a coo, a

good for my career and for the field of deacona studies as to publication.

I settled a little late, rather overexcited but also tired. I also found time to make up a supper soft polishing

wax for polishing the font at work as the wood is really dry and needs feeding with oil. It will be hard work

but rewarding.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

11/6/20

1 A scene in CS Lewis The Last Battle

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I woke ok, I got some uni work dine including 2 articles and 3 book chapters. I got spent a little over an hour

at work, I managed to steam clean the carpet in the worship room and wax the font. Stephen is pleased

with the progress. I have arranged for supervision tomorrow and the CV talk was interesting, I must

arrange a session to work on a proper academic CV possibly crossed with a skills one. I also must arrange

an appointment to see disability again. I had a shower and settled reasonably.

I was pleased the VC of Oxford came out with the fact we must not hide and forget bout our history. Some

people have argued that we do not have statues of Vikings and Romans who afflicted this contrary. True

we do not but they clearly have not looked at Rome/Italy or the Scandinavian countries where people from

those races are glorified, despite their faults. Also people find it less emotive to judge Early Medieval or

Late Antiquity people by the merits of their time.

The other things people are saying is that Germans do not need statues of Hilter to remining them. This is a

week argument as their school curriculum teaches about that subject far more than ours does about the

slave trade and the atrocities of the industrial revolution. A comparison could also be made with the Soviet

Union but that ended in Living memory and people still go to look at the attempt to perceive the founder.

Also the current state of Russia suggests lessons have not from the soviet or previous imperial excesses.

Some of complaining would also compline that the last Tsar and his family who were murdered by the

bushalvics are regarded as saints by the Orthodox Church. But their stories shows their faults too not just

the sainthood via martyrdom. We do not idolise our saints they are remembered faults and all as paradigms

of repentance and change not perfection.

Who is to say with the statutes removed rather than remembering in 30 or 40 year’s time the history of the

British Empire and Slavery will be quietly retired from the history curriculum as other fads take over. It will

then be forgotten about from in academic life like the barbary pilots, the agricultural revolution the courses

of the Wars of the Roses or the Civil war or rebranded like the arrival of Willan and Mary. Or the Romans

whose invasion is presented as a good thing for the UK yet they pillaged, raped, insulted and taxed into

poverty the native people.

History is messy, gory, unpleasant and by modern standards immoral. It is an alien world and if we are to

learn what it can say to us however, we must approach it carefully and listen to what it can say to our

present situation. We cannot contain history in our limited ideas, we must approach and look, with respect

and wonder at the past in the same way as we did as children. We cannot know it all but we can learn to

hear how it speaks to us now of human weakness and fallibility, the dangers of overblown markets, the

risks of nationalism or militarism. The danger of hiding or erasing history we do not like, and so depriving of

children of valuable lessons.

No figure from history would meet modern standards they will always be at home in in some areas and

considered wildly out tune in others. That is how it is, but people like documents must be treated in their

context to be understood and approached. We must not let mob decide what to preserve or much will be

lost to the impoverishment of the future. We can see clearly that were ideology stops historical perspectives

the future is the loser, the best example is our lack of sources about women from antiquity until relatively

recent times, even Victorian and Edwardian history is mostly white men.

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I know and understand that it is white injustices have been perpetrated that people have an issue with but

without them the history of oppression will be lost. It is better to have then there than throw mud at them to

loose all the history because the figurehead around which the history can be remembered.

We can, should and must do things about inequality now but for the sake of the future generations

understand how we got here that we must not cut our history. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and

Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

12/6/20

I woke early, I did 50 minutes on the Wii which felt good. I made the writing session. I got 4 articles read

and a long supervision done. I also practiced my Greek. The union information event was really interesting.

I also got my paperwork done for the supervision. I played a little.

Looking online the buss companies are on the whole good about those who have problems with masks and

have produced cards which can be printed off to show which say why you cannot ware a mask. I also found

the republic of Ireland government advice on who should not wear masks which matches the UK guidance

but is a lot clearer and easily understood.

Although I have planned what I need to for my PGR module with Fr A I avoiding it as I have so much thesis

work to do. I set myself ambitious deadlines but there is a lot of editing to do as I still have two chapters to

write. I hope to get to a lot done on Monday as the parents will be out so I can just work.

I got to bed late and tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Jesus my king.

13/6/20

I slept in late as I needed it. I got 4 articles read. I played a lot staying up late. I had a shower and changed

my bed linins.

I just want to get back to church. I know until I can get the rail card sorted it will be more expensive, even if I

book in advance but I just want to get back at liturgy. I do enjoy in one way virtually into the monastery, but

it is not the same and I miss communion. I may have been able to arrange for home communion, but it is

not like receiving with my brethren it is different, I do not know how to explain it. It is sort of like being

posted a piece of wedding cake because you cannot make the reception. You get the flavour but miss out

on the totality of the experience.

It is a long and hard journey. The churches reopening for privet prayer is pretty pointless, we can and have

been praying at home. Church form ecclesia means those called out, out of something specific. Especially

in Orthodoxy the point of a church building is for corporate prayer and the celebration of the mysteries are

about corporate togetherness. The other mysteries are celebrated in relation to the Eucharist traditionally.

Privet prayer happens in Orthodox temples as we like to call our church buildings as a framing and

accompaniment to worship not instead of. People might light candles and may mention specific people or

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situations but to include them in the corporate prayer. And while yes some people say the Jesus prayer

during and between services or as part of their privet prayer rule it is not the point of the space but an

additional use. Personal prayer is said in one’s own privet place of prayer, an icon corner, monastic cell or if

you are blessed to have one a home chapel. Which is always available too us. I suspect most Orthodox

churches like mot mosque, synagogues and Gurdwara will remain closed until services can restart. Hindu

temples are not the same as they are more constructed for privet devotions of the people with many

services being held in privet. Some Anglican and Catholic Churches will open as there is more a tradition of

privet prayer in church buildings.

The actual acute crisis may be ending now, bit it is in this present and liminal phase where we can change

society for the better. The virus forced us to stop, other events have made inequality visible, now we must

decided, each in their own heart the way forward and posh to society to that as we each consistent make

the change in our lives. 2020 is a year of judgment, a crises (in Greek). It stated with fire then came plague

and earthquakes, then civil unrest on a global stage. All of this added to by the strikes organised and

spontaneous in the education sector (especially HE) let alone other sectors, like the ongoing disputes in

transport, communications and healthcare in various places around the world. The shear levels of

exploitation and greed form governments and big business has pushed many too far. There is an

opportunity for change, but will it be taken or will it be lost and rather than learning from history the history

will be hidden because it is too unconfutable to face up too.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

14/6/20

I woke ok, I made the service online. It is some comfort but it is painful not being able to be at Church to

worship with others. The lingering smell of incense in my room is not much of a consolation for not being at

Church in person.

I played a lot, spent 50 minutes or so on the Wii. I got to be a little later and a bit delayed by my sister

having a shower when I wanted to go to bed. She puts the toothbrushes out but it is of little use as that is

only ¼ of what I do in the bathroom when preparing for bed.

I think the PM is doing the right thing to set up a commission on inequalities as long as it truly has the remit

to look at all forms of inequality. The current crises will either push things forward in many areas or set

equality back by decades. But crises do that whether it is race or the virus.

I hope by the grace of God to get a lot done tomorrow, it I can finish the Articles it will be a significant step

in getting the draft of my thesis complete. My faith is in my Beloved Lord Jesus Christ my God and my King.

15/6/20

I slept in as I was tired, I spent some time on Wii fit, I got 6 or so articles skimmed and a little written and

another book added to my reading list. One thing I will need to do post thesis is set up a filing system so I

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can find the articles I already have for future use. I enjoyed the writing meet up with the other son Zoom, it

encourages me to work. I did a lot of admin though which gets in the way of writing. I had a shower and

went to bed early. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and My King.

16/6/20

I slept in late as I was really struggling in myself today. I did some uni admin and paper shuffling. I spent 3

hours at work which I enjoyed, there is a real sense of achievement to be able to tick off rooms as deep

cleaned.

I played quite a bit and settled late. It is rather warm so I could do without repeated hot flushes. I fear it will

be a long time before public worship is allowed again, it is just not a priority of the government, the great

god Mamon must be worshiped. Heath, education and other benefits are secondary as ever. Fr S pointed

out on his video today that anything which distracts form the love of God is an Idol and needs destroying.

Only from a place of inner stillness can we act rather than react. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus

my King.

17/6/20

I slept in a bit, I made it to bible study and spent some time on Wii fit. I got quite a bit of work done and a

mountain of ironing. I had a shower and settled a little late.

Everything seems to have gone deceptively quiet, either another storm is brewing and our leaders do not

want us to know, they are in denial about the problem (highly likely), or there is just so much happening that

reality has diapered. All I can do now is plod on with my Thesis and hope that there will be work when I

finish. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my King and my God.

18/6/20

I slept in a bit. I only got a little uni admin done today and spent some time on Linked in. I did the

vacuuming and 2.5 hours at work all of it cleaning the Kitchen!!!

I played quite a bit and settled reasonably. I have a lot to do tomorrow and hope by the grace of God I will

be able to get up early to be productive. I posted a long comment in reply to the bible study today. Fr Ph

had made a comment about deacons being non-essential! I could not let such a comment even by a priest

go unchallenged. I worded it carefully form my studies with aspects of depth to my response. I got a

response later in the day where father agreed with my nuanced and theological explanation of the citation.

I am not surprised that it has now come out that the government were told in April that the tracing App

would not work on iPhone’s. I am also not surprised that the underling code for the google-Apple and all

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other tracing apps is based on an open access code created by UK academics. Personally I think the

government’s insistence on creating an app form first principle, so reinventing the wheel, is wasteful in this

area as well as others (the basic ship designs are well known and it would cost a lot less to have an

appropriate ship’s hull with basic infrastructure off the shelf and then add the whizzy bits for the navy than

start from scratch each and every time). Also, there is a well-functioning local tracing system for other

communicable diseases which relies on local knowledge which is being bypassed to create the national

system. This is all being wasteful and counterproductive. The Shetland’s got this under control using local

contact tracers who knew the islands, the same on Mann and the Chana islands. For all the talk of small

government we have big government micromanaging. The whole situation is a mess and could have been

better handled form late January if not mid-January rather than months of denial, we are far from the world

leaders but we are likely to be worst in Europe for handling it, unless Russa make a real big mess of it.

Across the pond crises central is really showing incompetence. The smartest handling award has gone to

Greece at this stage; swift, efficient, effective and so far well manged and returning to normality. The poor

man of Europe has shown the rest up again.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

19/6/20

I slept in a little late, I did my keepfit on the Wii. I made bible study Just, a long one not that I mind. I got the

editing done and stated the readthrough today which is good.

I was angered to learn that my Uni was effectively replicating the project I am already involved in, the

wording is so closer it is effectively plagiarism!!! I emailed the leader of the project with a tactful (hopefully)

but strongly worded email along the lines of “why are you duplicating an existing project which has already

made impact.” I then ended with some ego encouraging and funding hints that collaboration with the

existing project rather than competing would look Good.

My fellow PGR’s were not surprised at the ineptness of duplicating an existing project and dismayed that it

had got through ethics when other proposals have to show they are not duplicating other work. Personally, I

think there is interest form on high to try and glory grab but it is too late for this project, one already exists at

an older and more prestigious university with three months of Data already collected. A better project would

have been to support the Covid Theology event which did not do what it could have as it put off scholars

who work with historical documents and would have brought depth top that event. There are huge

theological and liturgical issues with not being able to serve the Eucharist service or distribute communion

along with many other liturgical issues. This is not being dealt with in the UK, we could have led in that

rather than being an also run in another area majorly overshadowed by a more prestigious uni. I am

amazed at Uni’s ability to make a mess of what could have been a spectacular success, then try to steal

someone else’s thunder in another area. We should work on what we are good at and not try to make

headlines. We have brilliant impact in teacher training, through research on history, we could have a world

leading MTh in Orthodox Theology if it was not constantly undercut and side-lined. HSS as a faculty and

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others as well could do brilliantly if the system did not sabotage the best ideas and sidling the hardest

questions.

I had a shower, wrote some story for a while and got to sleep late. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and

saviour Christ Jesus my God and King.

20/6/20

I slept in late, but I needed it. I washed my bras and a dress which needs hand washing. I typed up some

diaries and worked on my letter to my consultant, I need to get it finished. I played quite a bit. I have

arranged for Fr A to come tomorrow to hear my confession and bring me communion, as he hopes to go

the Greece next week it is my last chance for a while. My confession is more deep passions a slow process

and it would be better if I could see my spiritual father but needed must at this time.

All I can say about this situation is the UK has done considerably better than the US or Brazil which are

viewing for the wooden spoon award. I still think the government is being reckless. Even the proposed

reduced social distancing should be done in stages with level 3 of the alert system relating to 1.5m and

level 2 1m while level 4+ is 2m. this would be clear and reflect the relative levels of risk of transmission, but

nothing that sensible will be done. I have also found the Antiochian diocese have issued clear guidance on

opening for prayer and the like which is far clearer than I have seen from other Churches. I might mention it

to Stephen when I next contact him as the guidance is both clear and practical. We need more such

guidance.

I got to bed a little late and tired. I had some spotting today which is a nuisance. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my king who is Glorious in his saints.

21/6/20

I woke ok despite a disturbed night. Liturgy was bittersweet as always; I do love the variety of saints

commemorated in the canon to the British saints though. I spent part of Matins I discussion with another

viewer who was struggling a bit. She belongs to a parish whose fest fell today, I understood because st

Dunstan’s feat was in the hight of the lockdown. Fr A came eventually (around 1300) to hear my confession

and give me communion. He grave and gravitas as ever, the only guidance being to work on my

compassion and remembering when somebody annoys me that Christ died for them too. He brought 3

pieces of antitheton so the two I kept will last ages now I broke them into small crumbs. I eat a whole peace

as I had not seen that much antitheton since the Sunday of Orthodoxy!

I spent the rest of the day in a slight grace bubble which is a wonderful thing. I did have a nightmare last

night for the first time in ages (I do not remember when), physically it is hard as I acquired bruises on my

wrists. Fr A did encourage me though that they are less frequent and although a trial I do know haw to

manage them when they do come. Communion more often would help though. I spent the afternoon

playing and typed up a few day’s of journal, this month’s batch is typified by long rambles.

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What has shocked me today is the peek in violence in the UK (stabbings yesterday and a shooting today)

and globally. Then there are the less than peaceful equality protests. I have the feeling they are in part an

outplaying of the internal angst as much as a legitimate protest. Not to underplay the racism issue which is

up there with sexism and ablism as a chronic problem in our society. It is just demanding systematic

change rather than changing our own individual actions. The systems will not change if we do not address

the issues with ourselves. The violent attacks and the like are also an expression of this a fundamental not

coping and projecting the internal problems onto another rather than accepting the issue and confronting it.

To change society we must first change ourselves. The starts by listening to ourselves in stillness. It takes

time to quiet the babble and become aware of the movement of thoughts. Then this reality must be listened

too and examined. In reality the stilling and listening are invaluable to growing in depth as a person. Then

the reality discovered must be addressed, this is best with help, a therapist of the person-centred version (I

have used) or in the form of confession to a priest. Once confession is understood as a process of self-

understanding rather than a legality it makes sense. The work of addressing and growing in oneself

requires stillness, once this is learnt situations can be responded to from this stillness as an action not a

reaction. Through learning to act rather than react to external events we can response in a targeted specific

way which has more impact than an emotive reaction and only then can we start to make real change.

Though to be honest of everyone was to start to examine their own conscience now the world would

change in a matter of hours. I got to bed late due to exuberant journal writing. My faith is in my beloved

Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my Beloved King.

22/6/20

I slept in late, I spent the day working on the background chapter and finished the day with as many edits to

check as I started with, but a few hundred words less. Editing is an irritatingly slow process! I played a little

the chats on Zoom were a good brake I also watched the bible study video.

I had a long email form Fr F and spent about 20 minuets replying. A catch up is good and I have been

missing my church friends. I got to bed late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

23/6/20

I slept in a bit late. I made bible study and got a couple of hours uni work done. I also spent 4 hours at

work, the Toilets have never been so clean! To be honest it takes 3.5 hours to properly clean the loos at my

work, it takes 40-50 minuets to do the normal weekly clean. People underestimate the skill and shar

physical work involved in doing cleaning properly. This current situation has only increased my workload

with not extra regulations around risk, to be honest it is not much different to what I do in the flu and cold

season in the winter.

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I had a shower, read some academic texts and went to bed a little late. My faith is in my beloved Lord God

and King Christ Jesus my redeemer.

24/6/20

I woke ok, it is silly hot, I do not get on well in the heat. I got a little over 50% of my intro read through with a

lot of editing. It needed doing and was improved for it, along with adding yet more books to the lit review. I

also did the ironing.

The good news today is the second UK vaccine trial has started; we are punching well above our weight in

vaccine research as we do in most medical research. Yet the HE sector is chronically underfunded and

belittled. If polices were better we would be even more ahead of the curve, of course both uni’s involved in

Vaccine trials will have sky high Ref ratings from it, as will Southampton for inventing a respirator hood and

a quicker less invasive test for Covid19. If it had been manged well my Uni could have got good impact

from the Theology event but the management were not behind it nor were much of the department. Then

the diaries project 12 weeks late starting and a practical carbon copy of an existing project elsewhere. Such

behaviour is not good form at all.

I made bible study which was good. I struggled to settle due to the heat, there is a lot to do tomorrow

however hot it is. I really miss the fellowship of Church, I just do not know how ling it will ne, I hope and

pray I will be able to get to church in person this year.

I am also angry with Uni again as they are refusing to even look into ways of getting us PGR’s access to

physical books despite the fact, we need them. It is perthitic as county and community libraries are being

more proactive. My faith is in Christ Jesus My God and King.

25/6/20

I slept in a bit. I watched the pre-recorded bible study. I did the vacuuming, I spent a little over an hour at

work and succeeded in cleaning all the windows. I got about an hour’s work done on my thesis. I enjoyed

the social on Zoom with the other PGR’s.

The uni are still being difficult about accessing books we need. The uni seem to think PGR’s are being

difficult because we do not behave like other students, they expect us to work but not be in the way, well

ack our experience bad and bring on next year’s survey……also we are SU members, and the sabbatical

teem this year are a force of nature.

It is silly hot, I had even frozen a wheat bag so I can get cool enough to sleep. I had a shower which helped

a bit.

I have got to the bit in the book I am reading which is relevant. The author seems determined to force all

but the top three miniseries into the Laity so he can show how the laity had these functions. It is not as

simple as a lay/clergy divide. It is a series of overplaying concentric circles, a set of nested triads, to some

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extent this was described by Dionysios the Apigrophite. There are no simple explanations but what I can

say is those with recognised ministries were not the same as other baptised Christians who did not hold

official functions in the Church. I think I may need to define laity in my thesis, or at least how I read the

function. It will be needful to explained he complex and convoluted theology I reed in the sources which is

not what people think it is (bombshell alert!). I may well have to justify or explain and justify my thinking in

the ecclesiology chapter as well as a mention in the introduction. I see it as a whole web of interrelationship

and interdependencies within the whole (impact alert!). My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour

Christ Jesus my king.

26/6/20

I woke reasonably but not brilliantly. I got a lot of readthrough done, completing the inro and 2/3 of the

Background chapter. I also wrote an inter subsection into the ecclesiology chapter. Chatting with the others

on Zoom was good. I played a bit, read a little and got to bed ok.

I received two pieces of positive news today. 1 our mission to Eastleigh now has a patron or rather 12

patrons, the Apostles (all of them). 2 that as of the 5th of July liturgies restart as st Dunstan’s, I will have to

work out the logistics of getting there, my morning train is not a problem it is the coming back, although

there is no fellowship time and the congregation is likely to be smaller than normal so it is probable I will be

able to get an earlier train home, which is more likely to be quiet. The big issue is that my rail card has run

out and I need to get the uni to validate that I am a student to get a new one. That is an admin battle for

Monday along with the DSA form.

Life is resuming a normality but far from more self-awareness and integrity the world ahs gone mad.

Stabbings, riots, chaos all over the place. I think people have seen themselves and been unable to cope

with the reality.

My faith is in my beloved lord and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

27/6/20

I woke ok, I changed my bedlinens. I typed up journal; and listened to an audio book of Matilda, I have

always liked the fils but have never had time to read the book. It is really good, and the film is pretty true to

the story.

I got to vespers online, I intend to continue attending even once services restart as I enjoy them. I am

looking forward to church next week, as long as there is not a spike in cases and a return to a stricter

lockdown. I had a shower, played a bit and wrote a little story. I settled a little late and tired. I have much to

do next week. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

28/6/20

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I woke ok, service was good, I do enjoy the brothers singing (they are getting rather good). It is hard not to

be at church but sometimes love for one’s breatharian means denying one’s self. I played a bit. Had a look

for potential homes for the mission I then sent a long email to fr Al about that but included my proscomedia

list for him to remember on Tuesday morning.

I emailed Fr C again about attending services, he got back to me saying that they are not worrying about

masks, hand gel and some rudimentary social distancing. He calls it reasonable precautions but I have

read the encyclical front he bishop which is clear that masks should be encored and categorical that there

must be no singing. Not going back to normal, the case rate is too high for that. The root Fr C is tacking

might be ok for fewer than 500 new cases in England a day but not for north of 900. It would be fine at level

2 of the alert scheme but not now. I fear it will lead to the Church being a hotspot, and that I do not want, it

would create the wrong sort of attention and Syedna would have to act possibly quite harshly if there is

evidence of his instructions being disobeyed. An episcopal encyclical caries the weight of episcopal canons

which although of les prestige then synodical ones are binding on presbyters and deacons of the diocese in

which it is issued, no wider than the diocese of issue unless adopted. That is without the legal aspect of it

as Syedna set his guidance in accordance with the Law as it stands.

It is out of my love and compassion I fear for the reputation of the church and for Fr C in this. It might go ok

there is always that chance but 1 asymptomatic carrier could course a cluster of cases and disaster. In that

case Fr C would be the scapegoat as he is responsible as the Rector, it is his job to see that Syedna’s

instructions are carried out in parish, legally it falls on him and the parish council, but if they can show they

were not consulted then it comes back to roost with him. It is my very love which means I want to protect

him form his own folly. It is hard, my love for Christ is strong and it hurts not to be at church, but I do not

feel safe with minimal social distancing and few other precautions. For myself I would take the risk but I do

not feel it is my place to put members of my family at risk or other parishioners. My love will not let me put

others at risk and at this time in an enclosed space however big without masks or face shield it increases

risk hugely. I understand the science and the risk is too high.

I have been struggling to remember that despite his fault’s Fr C is too a beneficiary if the sacrifice of y

beloved. Fr C has many virtues, but at time he can be infuriating as he becomes fixated on something

being the only way or something being wrong and fails to see good in the alternative. For example, his

hostility to the race inequality protests. I agree they have gone too far but the inequality still needed

addressing.

It is so hard, I will have to arrange to speak to Fr A as my Chaplin for guidance on how to deal with the

mess of feelings and practically. Fr AL reply to my last email will also be interesting. If we can get a place to

worship in Eastleigh it would solve many of my problems. I do not want to report Fr C to the bishop alone, if

Fr Al is also not happy or FR F I will be a supporting witness, but I will not take the lead. Fr C is my Spiritual

Father and has moments of profound spiritual insight, but at moments his stubbornness wins over his

obedience or his upbringing shows all to clearly.

Anyway, I must be up early for the fest of St Peter and St Paul and been wring too long. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my beloved King who is glorious in his saints.

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29/6/20

I woke silly early to pray with the service. I spent some time on the Wii. There was some time confusion

over my disability’s appointment, but we resoled it. I have finished typing up journal and sent it in. I also fo rt

and won with the DSA form which I will post later in the week. A really productive day for admin. I email Fr

A, we will talk later in the week once he has arrived in Greece. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I had a

shower and got to be late after spending time writing story.

It is the feast of our mission tomorrow and I prau that by the prayers of the twelve apostles we shall have

somewhere to meet with the appropriate caution of course. My faith is in my lord God and saviour Christ

Jesus who is glorious in his saints.

30/6/20

I overslept as I was tired. I cort up with bible study. I did the ironing finished reading through the

background chapter and played a bit. I got to bed a bit late. I did my time sheet for work; todays time being

made up of laundry and admin.

I checked the diocese website again for syedna’s guidance which had changed again. Unfortunately due to

government regulation he has had to instruct that the laity cannot receive communion, this is in part

because the bureaucrats do not realise that when using a spoon it is possible to receive without physical

contact from a chalice it is nothing like the western shared cup. I need to look for the research which shows

that alcohol and silver together are bad for microbes, I heard about some but have not seen it. I think there

is also space for a joint project on the receiving of communion if Fr A is up for it, looking at the theology and

practicality of separating the kinds for a limited period of time. In the liturgy of St James, the two kinds are

received separately as they were in antiquity. I can and will tackle the historical research if we collaborate,

we can come up with something the bishops can take to the synods.it would be big impact wise and

possibly fundamental to allowing people to receive next time there is this sort of crisis.

I think I am trying to avoid writing my thesis as happens to most PGR’s at times, anything seems more

interesting than what I am supposed to be doing. Not that a high impact paper would be a bad thing.

I suspect that despite my hopes I will not go to church this week. I just do not feel fully safe traveling and I

ma not convinced that Fr C will obey the bishop’s instructions, in our communications he seemed very

determined to go back to how things used to be. The parish website also implies business as normal. I

cannot condone the braking of the bishop’s instructions or the law so I will not go. I will give it some time to

see how things go. In such a manner protecting myself yes but also my brethren. If I get clear evidence of

them flouting the bishop’s instructions, I will talk to Fr Al but it may mean having to go to the bishop. I am in

the process of transferring my allegiance to the mission of the twelve Apostles in Eastleigh anyway. I hope

and pray we can start meeting soon although I suspect that Fr Al will not serve liturgies publicly until the

faithful can receive. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

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July 2020

1/7/20

I overslept again, I watched bible study after the fact. I went into town to get my prescription and posted the

DSA paperwork. I also did a little shopping at the Fairtrade shop. I am most happy with the incense I got at

a noticeable discount. I can also sell the candle holder with a new candle in it and the box I can use as a

display box for candles.

I read through the introduction of part one and about a third of the easter chapter which is really long. I

have lost between 100 and 150 words which is a success. It is all little fiddley things which is better than big

dramatic cuts.

I have to get up tomorrow as I need to spend the afternoon at work. I had a shower and spent about an

hour reading.

I am still conflated about returning to church. Yes, my Lord is my beloved but is it the most loving thing I

can do to potentially put not only myself but others at risk. Especially if I cannot receive Communion which

is the principle reason for attending in person. It is possible to say all the other services at home. We can

gather for the liturgy but there is little point is communion is forbidden as the point of the liturgy is to receive

communion. Those who suggest that it is worth attending but not receiving just do not understand the

theological point of the liturgy. We would do better to repent deeply at home so that when we gather again

and are able to receive communion. Meeting together without protection is selfish and can create problems

for those who follow the roles. It is a difficult thing for me to have to struggle with these things, but I must.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus, my king and redeemer.

2/7/20

I overslept a bit. I got no uni work done but spent three hours at work. The deep clean is complete.

Uni is up to their old tricks, they want to shed staff this month and in September. There is no

certainty yet about student numbers yet only a good guess. By doing the cuts out of term time they wanted

to hide it from students. No chance of it succeeding as PGR’s (who are an ὄκλος) we have lecturers as

members of our community they told us, we then let the SU know and the other students we know (my

sister has friends at here. The whole ὄκλος mob or the student body awakes and joins the other unions and

as many old Wintonions we can muster. Add the press and petitions to the seniors and polices will change

or we will burrow a leaf from the book of Bath uni and get ourselves a new VC. A VC who really cares, who

stands with students and staff not sat on the cloud of glory and protected from the financial shocks inflicted

on the rest of us.

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Nothing so despicable as a crocodile smile, nothing so dangerous as a mother dragon roused form sleep. I

do not know where the values my Uni so proudly loud have gone but they do not seem to be applied to the

SMT’s decision making related to staff and students unless they are forced. This will not do, they need to

lead form the front tacking their share of the pain to protect the most vulnerable staff. What to the pay they

saved during the strike days earlier in the year? It is not good enough, the HE sector is in crises and there

are no other jobs for people to go to. There is no way to maintain undergraduate student experience with a

reduced staff.

As knowledge of this action gets out and the similar behaviour of other uni’s too, the student bodies will rise

in defiance of our leaders. The ὄκλος of the student body will not be pleased.

This is a time to fight for the injustices expressed by the chiefs at the experience of the Indians. As king

Lune says to his son Prince Caspian about being a king, ‘be first in every desperate attack and last in every

desperate retreat, and when hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer cloths

and laugh louder over a scanter meal than any man in your land.’ (CS Lewis, Prince Caspian). Our leaders

would do well to head such words, to put themselves at the service of the people and not act like despots of

the middle ages or Antiquity, of course such despots if too bad met a sticky end normally in battle or the

wrong end of a knife. History teaches us that to win your fellows you must be humble and care for their

good before your own.

Syedna may be giving orders to his presbyters, but if one of the flock in London needs visiting and no one

else is available he will go, in the guise of a simple hieromonk but he will go. That is what it means to be a

leader, a Christ like leader.

I will write to the SU tomorrow, the vice president for education probably as the president is on leave. I will

also put a peace on Linked In, this cover a lot of people quickly. Then get going on with some work and

have a chat with fr A. I will write to the VC in the evening if I get time or over the weakened to make my

displeasure felt. My MP and/or the the local press are also in my sights. Prayer of Course helps, but this is

a time for campaigning too that we can answer our own prayers.

I know if I am ever to rise high I would negotiate my pay down to no more thar 10x the lowest paid and rises

at least0.1% below the lowest rate given to the workers below mw. But that is still a lot of money, if the

lowest paid for example get £20,000 a year it would be £200,000 which is a lot of money. I would lead by

example with humility, I would likely still teach as well to keep in contact with the day to day realties of uni

life.

Well I need to sleep as I have a lot to do tomorrow to make any progress. I had a lovely email form Fr Al

about the mission and God willing only a couple of months before we can start services. I think I have

sufficient Antidoron crims. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

3/7/20

I woke ok to my surprise, I made all the socials of the writing day and probably spent too much time

chatting with the others on Teems. In our chats we would have lost most people in the collection of

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Philosophic concepts and Scifi references, we wandered between plato (and his cave), Aristotle, the Matrix

and other scifi I do not know, then in the final meet up we added Issac Asamoah’s the Laws of Robotics

and Hitchhikers to the mix. Rambling discussion’s and debates all born from a dissatisfaction with how the

uni and wider government is handling the situation.

I had a ‘chaplaincy’ chat with Fr A, no form F for this one. we dealt with what was troubling me

and he reassured me that it was ok to make a decision in line with my bishops’ guidance against the view

of my Presbyter, even a senior one. It is not easy, but I believe I have made the correct decision. We also

spoke bout other things he is isolating in an apartment one of his friends owns for however long he needs

to. He did like the idea of a joint paper on how we can get around the restriction’s governments like to

impose in a crisis in a theologically and historically sound way. It is really a paper combining a historian of

ecclesiology such as I am, and a practising Priest could achieve. It will also have a real-world impact

outside of academia, even if I have to present the conclusions to the clergy of my diocese. I wrote a rough

plan this evening to type up at some point and send to Fr A so he can respond, and we can decide on a

whole plan.

I got a couple of sections read through and two chapters of the background reading I am doing, and I

vacuumed. I had a shower and settled a little late.

I really liked Fr S’s video today on why we should wear masks in Church. principally for the love of our

breatharian, as it is through this love we demonstrate our love for God. I thanked him in a comment and

added a heartfelt plea for understanding for those whose love for vulnerable family members means that

they stay away form church or who for legitimate reasons cannot wear a mask due to medical reasons or

disabilities, even if the can manage with a visor or face shield.. I made the plea out of love and in love with

a gentle reminder that St Paul’s saying about not scandalising our weaker breatharian applies in this

situation as much as fasting. I had a loving rely form Fr S and some positive reactions form others as well.

Fr S speaks with a clarity and simplicity I love even if I have a fundamental disagreement with him on

receiving communion during Menis. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

4/7/20

I sleep in late but needed it. I washed my bras, I typed up a plan for a joint paper with Fr A sent it to him.

I played a lot of games on my computer. I replied to two emails. I made vespers ok (the first this week ).

It is really hard not to be going to church but it is one of those chose I have had to make. Nearby churches

are likely to be silly busy and with not being able to take communion how much point is there really in

tacking the risk? It is a hard choose but I feel in my situation the more loving to weight a few weeks to see

what happens and until we can receive communion again as then the rist will be worth it. I settled a little

late and not very tired. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

5/7/20

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I woke ok, only half of matins and liturgy were broadcast which was frustrating. The sermon was just plain

interesting. I played a lot. I am struggling with not receiving, I need the reason to go to church, communion

id the only thing which works for me. I must get on with the research to find a historical and ecclesiologically

sound way to receive communion for those who want to (a way which is legal of course). I think the issue is

with shared vessels for those who do not understand. Once the paper Fr A and myself are working on is

done it will be necessary to approach Syedna and the other bishops about using what we have found in

communities. I have about two weeks until the lack of communion begins to course me problems, at which

point I will talk to Fr Al. we shall see I can only hope and pray that I will get through by the grace of God.

I got to sleep a little late and tired after a Shower. My faith is in my beloved Risen Lord Christ Jesus my

King ad God.

6/7/20

I slept in a little late. I got a lot of work done, I finished the Eastern chapter losing another 200 words or so

in 10 pages which is impressive. I also did a little work on the paper Fr A and myself are working on. He

has found a relevant paper, but I think we can build on it with a slightly different focus historically. I can use

what is written and develop it possibly with reference to things like antiquity. But then the more practical

application to how it could be of use to us now.

I played a bit and got to sleep late after reading for a while. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour

Christ Jesus my King.

7/7/20

I slept in a bit but made bible study. I could not settle to work at all this morning. I did so the ironing and half

the chapter I intended to read through this afternoon.

I had three emails of the VC’s office all were the same one just repeated about an information event, I

forwarded one to the SU. I was thanked profusely by the SU especially for the PGR’s concerns which I

included in the email; the lack of library access is out big issue.

I had a shower and settled a little on the late side after reading for a while.

I am struggling with my mood again and comfort eating. I see the first hints of unhealthy coping stratagems.

The ongoing hunger for the Eucharist is not statable in any other way but has a nasty tendency to trigger

inappropriate eating habits as a way of feeling less bad. I know the warning signs for a relapse in myself

this would be the third if I do not master my feelings. I must see if I can speak to a mental heath mentor or

one of the other people in student services who give that sort of support. I will also communicate with Fr Al

since Fr A is away although he is the obvious person to turn to. Fr Al is also closer at hand than any other

clergy I could turn too, although I may ask for their prayers as well which would help.

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I am pretty sure that home communion is both legal and possible, this would really help me manage. There

is no point in me travelling to a liturgy where I cannot receive as it would not be worth the risk. I know from

experience being present but not able to receive can be bad for me mental health, I am better off not being

at church at all as the physical distance makes it a little less painful.

It is hard, I am not coping with all the uncertainty and shear fluidity of what is expected of me. It is too

much, and I cannot deal with it, lockdown was easy. It was clear and rules which could be followed. The

mess now is painful and confusing and exasperating. I just do not know how to behave.

Studying is easy there are structures and the papers I can manage, the socials also help. The bible study

gives me some structure in my day too as does going to work. The rest of the world is a mess and I do not

know how to interact with it so I have withdrawn and now the black dog is creeping back into my life. I am

so vulnerable to this when I am not receiving communion frequently and regally as if without the tangible

presence of my Lord in the mysteries to the demon of depression can call out of the deep in my heart. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my King.

8/7/20

I slept in late. I got quite a bit done once I finally stated work. One more push and I will be ready to send the

texts to my supervisors. I struggles to settle as well, I really need to get up and do some exercised. I am

struggling with my low mood as well, it is so hard. I want to go back to church and be with my beloved but I

do not feel it is safe and what is the point if I cannot receive my beloved. My faith is in my beloved Lord God

and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

9/7/20

I overslept a bit, I was a lot more productive for going on the Wii as it properly woke me up, I do need to

make time to exercise, it also stopped my back aching

I finished my read through and the editing of a translation for another project. I have a lot of thesis work to

do tomorrow. I did the vacuuming and started the process of making a nightdress as the one I am wearing

is threadbare. I cut and tacked today, I will give it all a quick wash on Saturday. I originally intended to

make it all by hand but in a couple of hours on the sewing machine I will get a lot more done than in a week

of hand sewing.

I had a shower, read a bit and settled late. My faith in in Christ Jesus my God and King.

10/7/20

I woke ok. I got what I needed too done for my academic work. I also chatted with friends for a bit. I did

some sewing, read a lot and got to sleep very late. I have relaxed in myself though my anxiety levels are

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still going up and increasing daily. At the current rate it could make going into town to get my prescriptions

a challenge. I do not know when I will make it back to church. I want to go back for there is very life in

prayer and worship with others with others yet my anxiety makes the journey there impossible.

I must speak to Fr Al about bringing me communion but also about my anxiety issues. I just feel I cannot

broch it with Fr C, for all his humility and love there is just know way for us to communicate on this problem.

It is hard to describe the feelings yet I know I teeter on the edge of a relapse into bulimic behaviours due to

the anxiety, it is so difficult to maintain an equilibrium in this situation. It is also hard to find people who

understand the struggle. My faith in in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

11/7/20

I slept in late after settling very late. I got quite a bit of sewing done once I remembered the knack with our

old and mildly eccentric sewing machine. I should be able to do the prep in the week and finish my new

nighty next Saturday.

I read a lot, played a bit and had a shower. I also changed my bed linins. I attended vespers online and will

attended the service in the morning. I do not feel I can trust Fr C to encourage sensible behaviour. I may

not be able to wear a mask for heath/disability reasons, but I am trying to wear a visor when needed, I do

not see why others cannot do their bit too.

I really think I need to write to Fr Al to talk about my concerns and work through them with him if possible,

in person in our back garden. I will also ask him to bring me communion as home communion does not

seem to be covered by the same rules as services (so far that is). One thing concerning me other than the

lurking ED thoughts are the anxiety which is beginning to mean that I am avoiding human contact.

Lockdown was a relief I did not have to deal with other people or loud situations, now I do not know if I can

go back to how I was it is just too much.

I changed my bed linins and got to sleep late. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

12/7/20

I woke ok, I attended service online. I dead a lot and played a bit. I got to bed late and tired.

I am definitely having anxiety issues again which are making the maintenance of recovery challenging.

Histories of Ed’s and stress do not cohabit well.

I am also having hot flushes and cramps again. I must get the letter to my consultant completed and sent;

the surgery I am awaiting will help in as much as I cannot get cramp in an organ I do not have. I may have

to paly with my oestrogen levels post op to find what I need to function well. My faith is in my risen Lord

Christ Jesus my King.

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13/7/20

I slept in a bit I got the books I needed ordered the books I needed form the library. I spent some time at

work and did a lot of admin. I played a bit and had a shower, read a lot and settled late. I have accepted

responsibility for organising the PGR’s response to the uni’s actions and organising the questions at the

briefing tomorrow. My faith is in my risen Lord Jesus Christ my God and king.

14/7/20

I slept in late as I stayed up too late reading. I did the ironing and an initial draft of the research module I

am doing.

The briefing from the VC and helpers was completely rhetoric (and a not very good example thereof). We

had prearranged and created a long list of questions. All of these were put in between about 5 of us but

only 3 were answered. The moderators weeded out any which were too difficult. And the answers given

were woolly (I have seen less fluffy sheep) and avoided the point a lot of the time. There was constant talk

of the new building, but it missed the point of the questions. Good views are all well and good for the

prospectus, but they do not get an essay written on a rainy December of January afternoon, or a class

needs teaching. The building was late and over budget and prevented the needed refurbishment of

Meadowcroft which is delayed indefinitely. I do not care a tuppence about the new building what is far more

relevant is the cutback on book purchasing by the library and worn out IT kit. There is also not the money to

pay all the staff. A new building without staff is a white elephant. I was reassured that the two-meter rule will

not be reduced, and that space booking is being considered for the library, it could grow form the existing

system for booking computers or group study rooms. I do not see how students will not be effected by staff

redundancies, when people leave the syllabus changes to reflect the changes in expertise, even if contact

hours the same with fewer staff it will effect the things like individual tutorials and student support which will

fall by the wayside.

We need to reimagine the university, not as a business but as a place to grow human beings to learn and

discover. Yes, academically but also as people, that is the point of education as it was in the past. As

Socrates put it “an unexamined life is not worth living” the question is can we cope with what we find inside

ourselves.

Fr S’s video today dealt with this in part one of the video talking about the value we can draw form this time

if we chose too. I must be up early tomorrow to go and collect books form the uni library, finally. I also plan

to get a lot of writing done. If I can get a final draft of the module essay done it will help. I am still unsure

how the portfolio but will work it certainly looks like a list of hyperlinks to external things, and how do I

integrate workshops, or the other modules? We shall see it is only a case of passing the module which is

something. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

15/7/20

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I woke ok, going up to uni to collect my books was an interesting expense. I have to say it was both quick

and efficient. The only question is why did it take so long to organise?!?

I wrote an initial draft of the essay for the PGRcert, 2000 words in 4-5 hours, which is impressive even for

me. I played a bit, had a shower and read a bit. I have a lot to do tomorrow but know I can achieve grat

things in the strength of my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my God and my King.

16/7/20

I overslept a bit. I got a little editing done on my module essay and spent nearly 3 hours at work. I played a

bit. I some casual job hunting and found an viable possibility. A tutoring post with 10 days until it closes, it

would be good experience to apply, it would also be good experience if I get it but that is in God’s will, as it

is an online job only a few hours a week I think it is compatible with my PHD work. I will get on with sorting

my CV tomorrow along with an email about the job person speck which does not seem to be working. I will

tidy my Linked in account and check if the application can be done on there too.

I got to bed really tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

17/7/20

I woke ok. I got a draft of a CV and cover letter done for the Job application I am doing. I also started on the

final chapter of my thesis. I got about 500 words written and transferred the existing bit. By the grace of

God it should come together in the next week.

I have a careers appointment next Tuesday at 11am. I had a late email from Fr A, the voluntary

redundancies are not as voluntary as they first seemed, if not enough people chose to go then admin will

just axe posts or part posts as deemed least productive. Not a peep however about things like value

studies which do not recruit students. I remember Uni before the big teaching blocks were built or the big

halls and when the SU building was new. I sensed the unbridled ambition and did like it. If I could have

stayed at a mino uni for my PHD I would have, but I needed Fr A’s expertise.

I also never thought I would see the day I would come out as mildly militant unionist but our government is

doing it’s dandiest to destroy the unions, to destroy any industry where they union stands up for the

workers and campaign by questioning and nudging to a more human approach to tearing people and

sustainable form of growth. Let alone allowing or encouraging people to flourish as people or think. They

want trained workers which the system can chew up and destroy not as human beings who can think and

question and remember. Thinking is dangerous now as is the ability to remember the past let alone

consider risks and chose not to worship the great god mammon.

Yes we have a societal and political crises triggered by the disease, but our real problem is the alienation

from ourselves and what it really means to be a human being. Yet asking the questions of ourselves is

considered dangerous now as we may start treating everyone as humans not stereotypes and things to be

used.

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I do not know what I can do but I will pray and do what I can do with is to lose the bonds of

unrighteousness, undo the heavy burdens and let the oppressed go free. My faith is in Christ Jesus Mu

God and King.

18/7/20

I woke ok. I played a lot, washed my bras, watched a video form the UCU and wrote to my MP about fund

the future (not that I expect a response). I ‘attended’ vespers online. I read a little and settled late.

There is so great an opportunity to build a better world where inequality and exploitation are things of the

past. But fear this opportunity will slip away as we do not have leaders who can envision a world where

there are no longer hungry children, where women are not treated differently just because of their gender

and race does not matter. While white men are in power little will change unless we change it at the ground

level against the grain of the system. I heard today that cases are no longer falling; it is not a surprise that

the R rate is now at 1 or just over. My faith is in my beloved Lord and God and saviour Christ Jesus my

King.

19/7/20

I woke promptly. I watched the services online it is bittersweet but makes me all the more determined to

find and justify the use of alternative rubrics. It is the only way I can see of the Orthodox being able to

receive communion again for many months. There will be no reason to restore the chalice by the

government. We need a canonical permissible alternative, as a historian I can show alternatives and how

they worked, Fr A can do the practical modern side.

I had a lovely email back form FR Ph who promised to pray for I tomorrow as it is her name day, he has

said he will also pray for the lecturers and the struggles academics are having. I emailed I as well as

spending a long time playing.

I have a lot to do in the coming week, I pray my Lord will give me the strength to do it all. Mu faith is in my

Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King and God.

20/7/20

I woke ok, I spent some time on Wii Fit. I made all the PGR socials. I wrote a whole case study for the

Church and law chapter; I could have got more done but 1 reference took over an hour to track down. I had

to ask Fr A to track down a quote in Greek for me as well, I will translate it later for effect.

I got a little admin done, I played a bit and started another book, it has given a lot of points already with

context things to add to my thesis. This book may also find it’s way into my literature review, as it provides

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important context for the primary sources. It is important even if the era is slightly early for what I am doing,

it is still an important and influential source.

I got to be a little late then planed but earlier than normal. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

21/7/20

I slept in a little. I did some tweaking of my Linked In account, not much but a few updates which were

needed.

The careers appointment was productive, I have a few tweaks to do to my cover letter tomorrow before I

send it off. I am also going to attend the workshop in interviews tomorrow. Little things will help in the

medium and long turm.

Work went ok, my main issue is there is not enough to do as got the church cleaner than it has been for

years. At the current rate I will be cleaning draws and sorting cupboards.

I have got mum to add me on the Corvid symptoms app and with two off us it is more likely to remembered

every day. I had a shower, I read for a bit and got to bed at a sensible time. My faith is in my beloved Lord

God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

22/7/20

I slept in a bit late. I got my Job application of and attended the careers Webinar on interviews. I have a lot

to do tomorrow as I need to get some work done, attended a session with the head of PGR admin and a

long union briefing (I chose to do that one).

I got to bed a little late and a bit tired. I was really pleased that Fr S’ liked my comment on yesterday’s

video, and Fr Ph liked my comment during the bible study Live stream. I also got some positive feedback

from a comment I made on Linked in. my faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my

King.

23/7/20

I slept in a bit. I did a little thesis work done. The meeting with Kim (the head of PGR admin) was a lot

better then expected. I think we can work with our new head of PGR’s. the union was event was very

informative. I also managed to clear up a question I had on membership. It is possible to be a free full

member even if studying at one uni and working at another.

Work want ok, I was cleaning draws and cupboards in the kitchen at work for lack of other things to do.

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I had a shower, read for a while and got to bed tired but at a reasonable time. My faith is in my beloved

risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

24/7/20

I overslept a little. I have finished an initial draft of Ch8 ‘church and Law’, that means the principle texts of

my thesis is done, only the conclusion and some tweaking to do.

The catch up with others were good and those who came to my briefing on what at the UCU briefing

yesterday. I also got the vacuuming done, I plated a lot and got to bed late.

I am really struggling with the form new normal is tacking. I do not mind wearing a face shield when I have

too, I find it a bit of an odd sensation wise but bearable. I know without trying I could not war a mask the

sensation would induce a panic attack/ meltdown, followed by a crippling migraine and it would take a week

to recover from.

I also struggle when others are wearing masks as I rely partly on facial expressions and lipreading to

understand what is being said. This is probably why I find video calls easier than traditional phone calls as I

can use my eyes too.

I understand the science as to why masks and face shields too, but I fear for people like myself who

struggle to deal with wearing masks for sensory, breathing or other disability reasons will be become social

pariahs despite the fact there is nothing we can do about it. I am managing currently as I am still going out

very little and avoiding other people, but once uni restarts I will have to go to campus at least some times

which could be difficult, it depends on if study skills can be held online, they will have to be the facility to

deal with people who need to isolate and I am not shore the risk assessment works for 2 people in most of

the offices used by study skills tutors. This is something to bring up with the SU vice-president for

Education and Welfare along with the sunflower Lanyard Scheme and the issues around face coverings all

of which need to be addressed before September. If the uni works it through with the unions, it is possible

to work out the issues with safety and disability access and we could lead on the area, which would be

something.

I di not know when I will get back to church in person again. Probably when we start the mission in

Eastleigh. Until communion can be received there is little point travelling to Poole and I am not shore I

could bare wearing the face shield for the whole journey anyway as it does course some sensory issues. I

must communicate with Fr Al about home Communion, I suspect I will rely on this for some time as travel

will be difficult for me and until the mission has regular services I will be in a difficult situation. I do not like

the current situation, but it is what it is. One thing I wonder however is if governments will ever let us have

the chalice back. Since seculars do not understand the meaning all they see is a disease vector, not what

we see with the eyes of faith see, the cup of life. if other restrictions begin to be relaxed especially in o ther

countries the chalice is restored and not hear. There will have to be a campaign on the grounds of religious

discrimination to got it back. It the ban is maintained beyond the crises it becomes persecution and a

completely different kettle of fish.

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My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

25/7/20

I slept in but needed it. I changed my bed linins, played a lot and started typing up journal logs, as long as I

do 5/6 a day for a week, I will get this batch in next weekend.

I did not do the sewing I had planned since we had lunch very late. Vespers was in the Alter again which

was different. I had a shower and settled late. The curry we had for tea is sitting heavy and will make

sleeping interesting. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

26/7/20

I woke ok, liturgy was good but as it was only the liturgy which started at 07:30 I had a lot more time than

had expected. I spent over an hour on Wii Fit, hard work but worth it. I played a lot and wrote up some

journal.

I had toothache form my wisdom teeth this morning again, it is a cyclical and particularly painful at times.

Fr Ph’s sermon was a big inspiration for reflection. It was through provoking for me and it took hours for me

to formulate my carefully worded reply which received a quick positive feedback.

I settled reasonably and plan to be up tomorrow as I have a lot to do. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ

Jesus My King.

27/7/20

I woke ok, I did 40 minutes on the Wii fit. I made all three sessions through the whole day. I integrated 2

books into my thesis and 4 relevant articles. I also signed up for a union event tomorrow.

I filled in the survey from the uni, leaving a free text box is never wise (especially an expandable one) this

one got 4 paragraphs of things to consider, some praise but lots of suggestions.

I played a little, had a shower and settled a little late. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ

Jesus my King.

28/7/20

I overslept a little. I got a reasonable amount of uni work done. I also attended a union event online. I will be

going into work tomorrow as there were contractors in today. One thing which really pleases me was the

rather delayed section of articles on PMDD by the BBC is finally being published. Fr S’s video today was

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thought provoking. I did produced one of my long resources, considered of course but deep. In the pain of

the last few months I have discovered depths of thoughts and grace which I may never fully comprehend. I

only know that nothing can separate me from the love of my beloved.

I played and read a bit. I settled reasonably and tired. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

29/7/20

I slept in a bit but made bible study on time. I finished my letter to my consultant and will send it tomorrow.

I spent a little over 2.5 hours at work and got quote a bit done which felt good. I must go into town tomorrow

to chase my prescription as I have less than a week’s worth left I will have to ask for the next repeat to be in

3 weeks after I get this one so I have a bit more of a buffer. The other prescription will also be needed in 3

weeks.

The UCU consulted about the pay offer which was rejected and they are now entering into consultation on

what to do next. I had a shower and settled late.

I have got into watching the Mrs America show and it brings up a lot of things which were an issue in the

past and still are now for women, not only with society but among women ourselves.

I am also struggling in myself with my feelings towards campaigning and working with the union on equality

matters and my faith where many of our people are very conservative. I do not deny that God as given us

other things I just do not think they such things trump the command to love our neighbour as ourselves.

My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

30/7/20

I slept in a bit. I had a migraine headache all day, it came a went but it was always there. I also had too

many hot flushes.

I went into town to chase my prescription, acquisition problems I need to contact my GP about an

alternative prescription as I can only take the type of patch which is unavailable.

I also did the needed shopping and put yet more in savings. I spent 2 hours at work and did my time sheet.

I typed up some Journal and got to bed late. I got distracted watching the final episode of Mrs America. No

thesis work today and probably none tomorrow. I did however get the consultant which is good. My faith is

Christ Jesus my God and King.

31/7/20

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I woke ok, I made bible studies, it was silly hot today. I did the vacuuming and typed up Journal. Finally, the

government has asked people to wear a covering on all enclosed spaces where it is impractical to distance

including places of worship. Checking the diocesan website and see that two weeks ago the guidance to

changed to allow people to receive communion.

I emailed Fr F to see what was happening in Poole and how it is being managed. Social distancing seems

to be the only thing be done, the reason for the attendance list is being ignored. Which I despair o f as it is a

legal requirement (I think) we also discussed the usefulness of Masks for those who can. I do not feel safe

attending in this situation even in the situation of weekday services. It is hard to make that decision to stay

away form services for the sake of others but I know my responsibilities. Also, if I see the rules of a bishop

being broken as I have the responsibility to report it to the bishop along with and the state responsibilities

and as a near miss under RIDDOR.

I need to organise a chat with Fr Al about him bringing me communion at home as I do not feel safe to

travel to church. if he too has concerns it is more appropriate for him to rase the concerns with the bishop

than for me.

Fr S’s video was heartfelt in his message today and made me think of the image from the pilgrims

Progress. Which illustrates how God’s righteous cannot be soiled by others.

I have a lot to do and I hope it will be a little less hot. I got to bed late and very tired after having a shower.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my King.

August 2020

1/8/20

I woke readerly aided by a text from Boots about my prescription which dad picked up for me. I washed my

bras and did the ironing and played a lot. I eventually got myself organised to email Fr Al about bringing me

communion and about the challenges I face returning to church in poole. Yes there are the virus related

issues I face but also significant social anxiety to do with the traveling and with large gatherings.

I feel like a lost sheep sometimes but one who’s shepherds expect me to make my own way back and do

not seek to help me deal with what is troubling me. My only contact with Fr C has been when I indicated it

and with Fr F it has been 50/50 but he does not seem to understand why I have concerns. What I did not

appreciate is the implication that I lacked faith, I have revived the grace of communion through the fragment

of Antidoron, my faith is not lacking nor God’s grace, rather the way I interact with the world means I need

to work within certainties and rules provide that for me, also love complicates things. I know I do better in a

small congregation where my idiosyncrasies can be managed and accepted by everyone whereas in a

large congregation it is more difficult. The lockdown has allowed my eccentricities to blossom as I no longer

needed to hide them. Now however I am faced with an intolerant and uncompromising world which will not

accept difference.

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My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King, God and my Beloved.

2/8/20

I woke ok and made liturgy online, it is really hard to still be watching online when I know I could go in

person in theory. There is however as understandable obstacle for me, not the fact I need to travel with a

visor and sunflower lanyard, I can mange that, rather it is the number of people. Since the lockdown I have

left the house only for essentials and latterly work, my interactions with people are severely reduced and I

now cannoned contemplate being in a crowded place despite social distancing. There would just be too

many stimuli.

I suspect that I will need to do liturgies in small steps such as with Fr A in chaplaincy or FR Al in the

mission of the Holy Apostles to regrow my confidence. Even the contemplating going into the building with

100 other people terrifies me. I would manage 10 or possibly 20 people but the shear stimulation of lagers

numbers would be unmanageable for me at this time.

I also realise that I was so tired every Monday as I experienced was much to do with the fatigue resulting

from the need to be social at church. to use the spoons concept I was will past my spoons quarter and the

forks and into the knives every Sunday and it could take 2 days to recover but I could not stop so I for more

and more tired. Only lockdown allowed me to stop and catch up with myself. Now I am able to stop

pretending and be myself which is so much easier.

The problem is getting other people to understand this. My fellow PGR’s are fine, we are all eccentric, so it

is no issue. Fr A likewise as learnt to take me as he finds me each time and polity ignores my odd

behaviours. Fr Al has known me long enough too so he is less perturbed by it and hopefully will support me

where I am. At times I feel Fr C and to some extent Fr F just do not seem to get how different I am, there is

some understanding but also at times pressure to conform to make life simpler for them. It is really hard on

me and depletes my careful adaptations to protect myself with calming stimuli at church through things like

a heavy vail, I just cannot deal with the people and stimulation. The idea of spending 90 minuets in one

room with 100+ other people even with social distancing it is frightening for me. I really want to receive

communion from my beloved, but I cannot face being with that many people especially if I cannot hide in

the choir.

I know my beloved as the good shepherd will find me where I am, and his grace is not bound by church

walls. Unfortunate not all his servants are so enlightened. I really hope Fr Al gets back to me soon,

although I am also considering going to a liturgy at St Siouan’s as they are meeting outside, and this would

be less challenging on me as I can go for a hike afterword’s. This time alone would alow me to unwind and

regain my social energy. I would need to talk to Fr J beforehand so he knew I was coming and so I would

know what to expect, also to check if he would want me to come to confession with the long gap since the

last time I received, not that there is much to confess as the opportunities for sin have bene far fewer.

I had a shower and settled reasonably. I spent much of the day playing and listening to audio books. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my King and God.

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3/8/20

I woke ok, I spent a lot of time on the Wii fit in 2 sessions. I got 2 journal articles and a book done today

which has helped but this process is amazingly slow. I need to go to work tomorrow and do the chores

Wednesday which will slow me down.

I played a bit and got to bed late. I am still awaiting Fr Al getting back to me. I really would like to receive

communion, but the journey too and from Church is just too high risk and I am not convinced the service is

low risk. That is just part of the problem, the rest is that I have lost my confidence to go out and be in

crowds. I find masks difficult and intimidating as I cannot use the full facial expressions to understand what

is being said, but it is wider than that I just feel constantly on edge and afraid when I am out. In particular

because of my differences I cannot wear anything against my lower face so it stands out that I am different.

I really do not agree with those who protest at having to wear masks, they do nut understand that it is not

for themselves but for others are asked to wear them, especially for those who cannot wear a mask for

whatever reason.

This is a situation like non we have had in a century possibly longer. The description of it like war is apt, the

problem is most people cannot comprehend the real enemy so create false ones which confuse the

situation further than it has been anyway by our leaders and take energy away form the real fight. It is

especially bad when they say that something like the vaccine is the real problem as they cannot face the

truth. To be honest I am careful because it is easier to be thus but I also cannot risk having Covid19 in

away which lingers as I have sufficient heath problems as it is.

I got to bed late and tired both physically and mentally. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

4/8/20

I overslept a little. I got no uni work done I just could not get motivated. I got the part prescription I was

owed and spent 3 hours at work. I had a shower and settled early.

I have realised the reason I an struggling so much with going back to church is that my social anxiety has

taken off like a rocket. I was exhausted and emotional after a brief foray into the pharmacy today, the

prospect of 2 hours each way and up to 2 hours of services is just too much. I need to work up to it by

attending services more locally at the mission and the Southampton parishes possibly. With that and uni I

will be able to build up my endurance to that length of time.

I know it is not my faith which is week as grace comes when I am praying or singing the salutation services.

My faith is not the problem it is shear mental fatigue. The very traits which make my faith strong mean I

struggle in social situations.

Fr S’ video on Kilninian was good. I have not seen the church in so long. My two copper coins worth of

donations helped, and the prayer ropes I made which he used a blessing in the days of lots of fund-raising.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I must get some uni work done tomorrow along with the chores. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and

King.

5/8/20

I slept in a bit, 9 hours solid but I did need it. I did all the chores and 5 articles, well 3 new ones and 2 I had

already read. A few thoughts added to the thesis, but it all helps bolster my arguments.

I said vespers alone again. I want to go back to church but I do not have the confidence to travel, my social

anxiety is so high it is disabling. When I am in my safe zone I can recover but out and about is exhorting. It

will be a long time before I make it back to st Dunstan’s in Poole. Our mission of the Holy Apostles,

chaplaincy with Fr A and possibly outside with st Silouan’s will be where I start. Once I can manage being

with others for 3 or 4 hours without a meltdown or complete exhaustion then an expedition to Poole is

doable. If I were to try it now I would meltdown or have a binging episode or both. Not good or helpful for

me. I have to be realistic as to what I can do.

I finally replied to fr F, I explained the best I could what is happening to me, I just feel at times there is a

complete lack of comprehension on the mental heath front. I am desperate to go back to church but I will

not put myself at unnecessary risk from covid or from other heath problems due to anxiety, an overeating

event, a meltdown or the possibility of an Ed relapse.

I hope and pray Fr Al will get back to me soon as it is 2 or 3 weeks before Fr A is back in the UK (I hope he

is flying back.

I settled late considering I need to be up for 5amfor the service. My faith is in my Lord Christ Jesus who

was transfigured on mount Tabor, my God and King my redeemer.

6/8/20

Feast of the transfiguration of the Lord on mount Tabour.

I woke very early to attend the online service which was never broadcast in the end. The Lord did not

deprive me of his grace however. I read a great part of the services or the lay equivalent parts and my Lord

gave me grace of receiving when I was commemorated in a liturgy. Time and space is no obstacle to the

transition of grace.

I played a lot today I backed bread and a fasting banana cake. So overall a productive day.

I got to bed a little late and very tired. I have a lotto do tomorrow and it will be hot which is not pleasant. My

faith is in my transfigured Lord Christ Jesus my Lord and King.

7/8/20

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I overslept a bit. It was silly hot again today; I do not mind fair weather, but this is oppressively hot.

I made bible study, which is good, I read one article, attended a union event which was interesting

especially the reasonable adjustment passport to make maintaining adjustments easier.

I spent just over an hour and a half at work but did some laundry to make up the time. It is really hard to

concentrate in the heat.

I received a lovely email form Fr Al who has invited me to his this coming Sunday for the liturgy, as he does

not have a home communion kit. After working out the logistics with mum I replied positively. I must

remember to mention to little Al how much he has grown (he will have).

I got to bed late and tired. The HRT pills so far (2 days) seems to be working well as I have had less well no

hot flushes and no other symptoms. Now I just need to wait for the op, I hope and pray it will not be too

much longer.

My faith is in my transfigured Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

8/8/20

I slept in a bit but needed it, I changed my bed linins, I played a lot as it was too hot to concentrate on

anything. It is ridiculously hot and humid. Hopefully it will not be too long until the weather brakes although

it might be spectacular.

I can receive tomorrow Fr Al has invited me to his house where he is serving so I can receive.

I had asked him to bring me communion but this was his suggestion as he does not have a home

communion set. It is wonderful of him to invite me and may it remembered as good for all that family before

the throne of Grace.

I had a cool shower and was uncomfortably hot again too quickly, it is uncomfortably hot. I got to bed early

as I need to sleep I was so glad I had the foresight to froze a wetback so I could stay cool for the first part

of the night.

My faith is in my transfigured and risen lord Christ Jesus my King.

9/8/20

I woke ok after a slightly disturbed night due to the heat. Mum drove me over the Fr Al’s house so I can

attend the liturgy and receive. There is something beautiful and humble about a liturgy served on a dining

room table. I cannot really express it. There is a timeless quality of simplicity when the ritual happens even

with no great processions. The little entrance was simply stepping back and returning. The grate entrance

involved a little movement form one end of the table to the other. In the utter simplicity the liturgy took 50

minutes but as full of grace as a grate hierarchical liturgy with full processions and choirs and fanfares. In

some ways the simple intimacy with Christ to be different ways to big liturgies.

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Yes it was the liturgy of our little mission but is was also the intimate family prayer of one household

microcosm of the church into which I was welcomed for a little while. I literal vision an icon of the last

suppler or the hospitality of Abraham when for a little while I complete the cercle not that it was incomplete

without me.

The theology is huge and almost beyond comprehension. It is a mystery beyond words, but very grace

filled one. After the service we had a time of fellowship which was as important for me as I have been

feeling a little isolate. This time was in part was in part used to discuss the next steps for the twelve

Apostles Mission and trying to find a home even a temporary one. I will pray as that is what I am good at.

Our lady seems to be in a benevolent mood towards me so we might get some movement.

Fr Al gave me a lift home. Once home I watched Fr Ph sermon and responded too it, the response got a

litke and a responsory comment. I also found a video of one of the churches in Beirut (where there was

a large explosion last week) it shows that although the nave area was badly damaged the holy area of the

Altar was untouched. Within the Orthodox community it is regarded as a miracle at the very least the

guardian angle of the church was working overtime.

I played a lot and got to bed a bit late. I hope the weather cools down soon as I am really struggling in the

heat. My faith is in my transfigured Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

10/8/20

I woke early as it is uncomfortably hot. I got one books worth of references checked and I worked through

another book and made some alterations and replaced a few references. Not much effect on word count

but a productive day.

I managed to spend some time on the Wii before it got too hot. I made bible studies and 2 of the PGR

meetings online. I have been full of joy all day by the grace of Our Lady. I have been serving the great and

little salutations on Weekdays through the fast which has been a great consolation too me. I have served

them for our mission Parish in hope of getting a place we can meet, but of course I also for all who are

suffering at this time. I had a shower which helped a bit but us was so humid that I could not stay cool and

was swettign again quickly.

I went to bed early and tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my Transfigured

Lord.

11/8/20

I slept in a little as I was tired. I did the reference checking for 2 books. I spent nearly 3.5 hours at work

mainly sharpening pencils.

I had a look at potential halls the mission could hire and found that the catholic parish in for eastern

Southampton coving Hedge end and West end. The church in West end only having a service on a Sunday

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Evening, I think St Bridged the patron of that church must have glance din our direction. The Anglican

parish with covers Botley and the surrounding villages is also a viable possibility. I have complied a list and

emailed it to Fr Al.

It is still way too hot and the thunderstorms have not got this far south yet so the weather has not yet

broken. I am fair St Swithun day this year was really the curse not a wet one. I watched and responded too

Fr S’ video today, they are always both informative and inspiring.

My faith is in my Transfigured Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

12/8/20

I woke I got some work done this morning but not as much as I had intended. I did the vacuuming. I had a

nap as I was just so hot I could not think! I ordered 2 books form the library and played a bit.

I really hope the weather brakes soon we as we are backing records for hot dry spells and periodically

floods where the thunderstorms are happening.

I said evening prayer in the garden which was by then a little cooler it was good but also made me pine for

a church to pray in.

I had a shower and settled relatively early for me/

Tomorrow will be an interesting day with the A level results coming out it could well show the uni’s have

been too hastily with redundancies and reducing staff numbers. If the number of youngsters going to uni is

the same as last year or potentially higher as some people will just apply through clearing as they look at

the jobs market and decide uni is not the better option. This could be embarrassing for some people.

The chain of incidents, accidents and disasters continues with a train derailing in scotland with 3 fatalities.

Mt faith and hope is in my transfigured Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

13/8/20

I slept in a little later than I had intended. I got my application to write for the SCH edition on sickness and

Heath sent. I finally ordered the book I had been meaning two for months.

I spent 2 hours at work. I watched the UCU briefing on the debacle of the exam results and got one of my

comments shown on screen. it was a really philosophical comment about the market destroying

everything including people. The government had been told but they still made a complete fiasco of the A

level results, not even what happened in Scotland served as a sufficient warning.it is a matter of time until

they back track but the longer they leave it the grater the political damage will be.

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We had some sporadic showers today which made the temperature a little more bearable. My fifth is in

Christ Jesus my King.

14/8/20

I woke ok, I made all three catchups’ today and planed a journal article. I did some shopping in Waitrose,

mostly stuff I needed and a few other things. Once I got home I gave a box of chocolates to mum as she is

always running me places. I also did the ironing today. My treat for myself for the feast tomorrow was a

bouquet of flowers, the low calory option for a treat. I said vespers variables in evening prayer, played a

bit and got to bed late after a shower.

I am struggling with despondency today. I mean shopping was fine, it is just hard work when others are

wearing masks as the sound is muffled so I do not comprehend as quickly, but no one took issue with the

fact I used a face shield, I was super anxious so was wearing a sunflower lanyard for the first time which

helped. What did not help was um getting upset about an article on the Hampshire pages of the BBC about

people being difficult about those with valid exemptions including small children. At moments I feel that

although mum gets it too some extent the full nature of neurodiversity is not understood. It is not heathy to

have to pretend to be ‘normal’ or even vaguely normal all the time, it is exhorting to suppress stims and

mimic ‘normal’ responses and the like. While yes stims can be moderated often by reducing anxiety around

a situation which lads tot hem just reducing or redirected into less noticeable forms such as fidget toys. If

such small harmless behaviours are at least tolerated without comment or better still accepted as part of

the normal variations then they would become less noticeable and the disruptive ones could be challenged

and channelled into less noticeable behaviours. Less stimming would also be needed with more ways of

engaging as there would not be a need to compensate for the stress of trying to think in a ‘neurotypical’

way as this would be unnecessary.

Those who cannot accept difference need to take a long hard look at themselves and their own heart. I

know I have work to do in that respect myself but the changing of society starts with each of us making a

change in ourselves.

It is hard not to attended liturgy for the feast. However the situation is what iti is and I know that our Lady

understands the situation I am in. my faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

15/8/20

I slept in a bit. I read the variables of the feast. I washed bras, played on the Wii and made summer

pudding. I also played a lot and wrote lots of emails. Fr f had written so I replied, in part I think he is keen to

have me back at St Dunstan’s, in response I made my loyalty to the mission of the 12 Apostles clear and

the fact Fr Al has made provisions accordingly. I also emailed Fr A who got back to me quickly and was

pleased that I had found myself a spiritual home for now. I also emailed I, I do not know when I will get a

reply there.

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We ordered a Caribbean take away to celebrate my sisters 21st birthday earlier in the week. It was different.

Mum hurt her calf muscle which is making life interesting. I stayed up late watching the virtual Cropredy

festival. I could never make it normally but it was good.

I got to bed late and tired, a little disgruntled that I cannot be at church in person but God willing it will not

be long until the Church of the 12 Apostles starts having services in person. I have been thinking about the

need to have an adult catechism curriculum both to develop the faith of the faithful and teach new converts.

I think one ongoing aspect which will run all year following the Sundays to compliment the sermon and

additional sessions for catechumens to prepare them to be received which believers will be able to attend

as observers, with a mystical catechism for newly received. Short sessions to form a person in how to be in

Christ. One key bit would be not admitting a catechumen to the competent class without proper

examination of their life and how it is lived. All are welcome as hearers of the Word but to be a catechumen

they must commit to living the life of a Christian within the church. I may spend some evenings preparing

ideas and discuss it with Fr Al as it will depend on our congregation to what we need. A short say 6 week

introduction course on Orthodoxy for anyone might also be an idea, a bit like the Alpha course to provide a

bridge head for people to find out more, probably working up form ‘we are human’ to actually seeing our

worship in a small prayer service. They need not be where we have services but could be held in different

places at different parts of the year so people can find out who we are, possibly also a one off talk we could

do for existing groups. We shall see what the Lord inspires.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King my Risen Lord.

16/8/20

I slept in a bit. It was bittersweet seeing a service online again, personally I am not shore of the point of

holding a service is communion is not distributed. Fr P’s sermons was thought provoking on how we should

show mercy at all times not just to people but to the World. I played a lot, including on the Wii Fit. I had a

shower and settled a little late. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

17/8/20

I overslept a bit, I made bible study. I got lodes of Admin sorted out, arranged supervision and did my re -

enrolling. Just got to find out how much it will cost this year.

I got through what was needed in thoughts form one book including some snipes at some aspects if

ecclesiology scholarship on both sides of a debate which did not need to be opened. I played a bit and

settled a little late even though I am tired. The government finally made a U turn on the A level grades and

the upcoming GCSE’s. the good news is the mess not hits universities, but at least the 6 th forms will not

face the same problems, is that a silver lining?

My faith is in Christ Jesus my god and King my redeemer.

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18/8/20

I woke ok. I got some uni work done, attended bible study and went to work. Tomorrow will be a busy day

but hopefully a productive one, especially with 3-way supervision for the first time in 10 months, though it

means another form F.

I had a shower and settled a little late. I am glad the weather has cooled down, although the rain is

welcome for the land, I am not so keen on going out in it. I think the government are still trying to pretend

the current education crises is not of their making, it will backfire.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King my redeemer and beloved.

19/8/20

I woke ok, I spent some time on the Wii. I attended bible study. I took some books back to the library and

collected one I had ordered. I also through three chapters of an e-book I am reading.

I had a productive supervision session with Fr A and Harry. it was a productive 2 hours and I have a lot of

work to do but we are progressing well.

I headed up to bed early but had my patience tried by dad who was having a bath and did no think to move

the radio from the wall shared with my bedroom therefore I could not concentrate to pray.

I watched Fr S’s Video on night prayer basics. The precise instruction on how to prostrate and bow is useful

however I find it hard to pray at night as waking up extra would lead me to being too exhorted to function,

my physical limits means I need to sleep for 7-8 hours as a minimum every night with only occasional

exceptions. It is simply not possible for me to get up in the small hours to pray. I would like to pray for

longer before I sleep however the house is so nosey some days it is miracle if I can get through my prayer

rule. Between my sister on one side going on late into the night and the bathroom on the other where both

parents put the radio on to relax while in there forgetting I can hear it more clearly than they can most days.

I struggle to get up as it is so the concept of trying to do more is more than I can do. I manage my prayer

rule which is heaviest in the morning even without the fasting addition of the psalter. My prayer rule ahs not

changed since I was a catechumen and although I can and do use physical prayer in my prayer rule the

idea of forcing my body to wake in the night to pray would not help my current circumstances. I have

enough ascesis from my heath problem s not to need to add to them by doing extra ascetical practices

which would trigger things like migraines due to extortion. It is really hard, I may discuss my prayer rule with

Fr A again since he originally set it as my catechist and has always taken more interest in it than my other

confessors.

I am so torn I know my place as a Virgin of Christ is to pray but the times I am best at praying are the very

ones it is hardest to do as it is intolerably nosey with worldly distractions, I need quiet to pray but the only

time which is truly quiet is the small hours when I physically need to sleep if I am to complete my daily

obedience’s. Even when I try to get to bed early so I can get up earlier I am kept up by other peoples noise

long after I want to be asleep unless I go up before 2100 so am asleep before anyone else thinks of going

Altered for clarity by the researcher

to bed and it is very hard for me to sleep before 2300 as it is too early for my biology, but if I am not asleep

by 2200 it is too nosey to pray or settle before midnight, and then I get moaned at for not being up early

when they kept me up hours after I wanted to be asleep so I was tired.

What I need is a retreat for quiet time where I can get in sink with myself again. That would be wonderful as

it has been 4 years at least since I had that sort of space. In one way I look forward to moving out of home

for that reason too.

Fr Al has invited me for lunch on Sunday, I have offered to take pudding which has been accepted. Mum

will drop me off to share the liturgy with them.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my Risen Lord.

20/8/20

I slept in a little. I got some uni work done. I went into town to get my prescription which had finally come

through and did some other shopping. I also spent 2.5 hours at work. I had a shower, wrote story for a

while and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

21/8/20

I slept ok but woke later than I would have liked, not helped by waking in the small hours convinced that

Sunday the 11th (of October I think as that is the next time it falls on a Sunday) will be very significant. I just

have a feeling which is unsettling.

I attended bible study, read about ½ a thesis I have found which is relevant for my background work

broadening ideas.

I also watched the Independent SAGE briefing on uni reopening, basically slowly and as little in person as

is possible to be safe. I made summer pudding and got to bed late.

I am beginning to feel the effects of my hormones, but it is not as bad as it could be since the stronger HRT

is suppressing my bodies attempts to reactivate.

I got to bed a bit late and very tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King.

22/8/20

I slept in late as I needed it, I got 1 chapter of the thesis I am reading scanned but tweaked references. I

played a bit, had a shower and settled late.

I am struggling physically as the pain returns and the return of unhelpful thoughts, feeling and images

which accompany the return of my hormones. The difficulties concentrating are one thing the suicidal

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feelings which follow are quite another. The HRT pills seem to be helping suppress it a bit but for how much

longer I will be able to take them remains to be seen. I am dreading the symptoms getting worse. I just

want the hormones gone, yes the jabs help but what I need is the op. being realistic it would have been the

autumn at best without the pandemic now it is a complete unknown and that is not good as there is a real

possibility that even on the 3 month hormone blockers will begin to work less well over time and I will

become unable to function at least some of the time and possibly a danger to myself.

I am really struggling although Antihistamines help a bity. I got to bed late and tired after changing my bed

linins. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

23/8/20

I woke ok but a little later than I had intended. Mum gave me a lift to Fr Al’s house so I could join them for

the liturgy, I had also been invited to join them for lunch. The time allowed for lots of planning about the

mission parish and also setting the world to rights in relation to the challenges faced by the Orthodox

Church as whole. I have volunteered to put together the adult catechism program. Well I have the

knowledge and training to do so. I hope to create it in such a way that ant fully catechised believer could

lead at least the initial stages.

I played quite a bit and got to bed late. I am having to pause the HRT until I have received the next

hormone blocking implant.

I have so much to do I just do not know if I have the strength to do it. My faith is in in my beloved Lord God

and Saviour Christ Jesus my King and God.

24/8/20

I slept in late, I am just exhausted. I finished reading though the text I was working on and I did some

tweaks to the intro. I played quite a bit as I could not get my concentration to hold.

I have been in increasing physical and physiological pain all day. I literally do not know how many more

times I can go through breakthrough it is so hard, I could not manage to maintain my sanity off the hormone

blockers that is certain. I hope and pray I can get the injection this week. I also hope I can get the op, I

know the waiting lists have grown by an extra 3 months but honestly, I do not know if the current treatment

will still work in another 12 months or even 9. The risk of complications due to unopposed oestrogen in my

uterus also increases ever month.

I had a shower and struggles to settle due to the amount of pain I am in, my faith is in Christ Jesus my God

and King.

25/8/20

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I slept in again. I got no uni work done although I did get exorcised about the guide for the PGR room, it is

good as far as it goes but the exceptions to mask wearing (covered in the government guidelines) are not

explicitly mentioned. Many equalities alarm bells went off not just for my own sake but other as well.

I got 3 hours paid work done and am tacking the rest of the week off.

I got to bed readily. I pray I can get an emergency appointment tomorrow for my hormone blocking

injection, I do not think I will make it to next week the way my symptoms are going. My faith is in my risen

Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

26/8/20

I woke ok, I got some diary typing up done slowed down by a really long entry. By the grace of God I got a

nurses appointment so have had my hormone blockers for the next 10 weeks and a pretty impressive

bruise but with a large needle it is to be expected. I hope and pray it will not be long until the op. no work

today but I mist get a little done tomorrow even if it is only preparing for supervision and I need to type up

diary entries too.

I had a shower and settled reasonably for me. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King who is glorious in his

Apostles.

27/8/20

I woke ok, I did all the chores and typed up some journal, I also played quite a bit. I sent the text we are

going to look at to Fr A and we set up the meeting. I also emailed Fr Al with my proposed curriculum, I got a

positive response and we will discuss it on Sunday when I go over for the liturgy.

I also got a letter from my consultant today acknowledging my letter and giving me a time frame of the end

of this year or the beginning of next for my op. things are moving and the Lord will provide as ever.

I got to bed a little on the late side and a bit tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

28/8/20

I woke ok. I spent a good amount of time on Wii fit in 2 sessions. I made all three meet ups through the day.

I got a lot of editing done and played a bit. I had a very productive session with Fr A, I am on course to pass

the dreaded research module, just the appendices to do and some editing checks. We also discussed

other things including the journal article collaboration. I need to get on with writing again. I will spend this

weakened typing up journal and on Tuesday get to it and work.

I got to bed late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus who is glorious in his saints on this feast of the

beheading of John the Baptist and forerunner of the Lord.

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29/8/20

I slept in late as I had a headache. I think is hormonal as I have been spotting again.

I played a lot and typed up journal. I finally emailed me back and I responded at length. The delay was her

work but at least she ahs some which is compatible with being active in the faith. I am looking forward to

going to Fr Al’s tomorrow for liturgy but even more so to meeting as a community when the lord so wills. I

had a shower fixed my skirt and got to sleep a little late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King.

30/8/20

I woke ok, mum gave me a lift to fr Al’s house. I am so grateful to be able to receive communion again even

if it is in a family setting. It will be wonderful once we can get the mission going properly as a church.

I am rather please that Fr wants to buy candles form me for the Alter as he prefers bees wax, they might

have to be a discussion about length as most of my stock candles are long tapers. Presbytera also would

like mote T-lights, I may include a small container candle if it is a large order. We discussed various

things and eventually the catechism suggestions I had put together when Fr was giving me a lift home.

I typed up some journal and played a lot. I plan to just type up journal tomorrow as I have 15 days’ worth to

do.

I personally agree with the union (UCU) that it is too risky to go back to face to face teaching except where

there is not alternative. The university sector could do this but the government is not letting SFE (student

Finance England) pay out unless students are back on campus. So unis are having to do blended learning

despite the fact the only way to do this is rely on the least effective methods to reduce risks which is PPE in

poorly ventilate Rooms where social distancing is ineffective. The imputes is minimum cost maximum profit.

The only option if the risks are too high is for students to refuse to play ball, to refuse to study in poorly

ventilated communal areas and remote in instead. Students like staff recovered by the Health and Safety at

Work Act. I can see low attendance at in person teaching even if it is offered students will skip seminars

and in the later years will organise independent ones online without the lecturer especially if there is a

mature student or part time student who know how to do it to facilitate.

There is much to do and I hope this crises will lead to a global change where the person is valued and we

work for the common good no the prophet of big companies or the few. We have a brilliant opportunity if as

a race we will just grab it.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my god and King.

31/8/20

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I woke ok, I spent time on Wii fit. I typed up 15 days of journal and played a lot. I also spent time on linked

in. No academic work but still productive. I had a shower and settled a little late. I have much to do this

week academically and work. I am also having physical pain which is related in part to my hormone levels, I

think. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

September 2020

1/9/20

I overslept a bit. I did a reasonable amount of editing of the RP7003 paper/ I spent 2.5 hours at work. I also

attended the union briefing and played a lot.

I have a lot of admin to do tomorrow chasing things like my DSA. I also need to get some work done, and

all my chores. I also plan to join the RHS as an early years member, I work in history and such a

membership will help with funding as well as access to resources.

I got to be rather early but tired. Fr S’s video was interesting and made me think, I have never really had a

spiritual father, a father confessor yes but I have never settled on one priest for more than three years at

the most, circumstances get tin the way and even then there is always something which does not quite

work. I know much of it is my sis and my passions but that cannot explain it all. There are few people who

can truly comprehend how I am so at times there is a lack of understanding. Fr c was really good and really

helpful, he at times is a model of humility but I always had the impression he was frightened by my

academic ability. I am so glad I never let on the full extent of the spiritual side of my prayer life as it was the

fruit of the prayer rule I received as a catechumen. I thing Fr C never fully understood how such a simple

prayer rule with a continually repeating cycle could produce such results. I probably need to review my

prayer rule with Fr A at some point as again I have returned to he who birthed me into the faith as I have no

secrets form him.

I am concerned that this rush to get back to normal is a rush to hide from the horrid reality of inequality

which are becoming visible and our collective responsibilities. The simple reality is unless we address the

root problem the symptoms will remain. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

2/9/20

I overslept again. I only got a little uni work done but did the chores and played quite a bit. The meeting with

the head of PGR admin was ok, not much new information I personally feel there is still too much of PGR’s

being treated as students, we are not we are junior academics we stand alongside those with doctorates at

conferences and in applying to journals and at other unis we are treated as peers by staff, it is only at our

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home uni we are treated as staff. Only in the administative systems are we regarded as students and

consumers. We pay for the privilege of supporting the university’s research output.

3/9/20

The feast of St Phoebe the Deacon.

I woke ok, I was embarrassed in bible study a little by Fr P who mentioned that it was my name day. I got

not no uni work done but spent some time in town (including some Christmas shopping) and 2.5 hours at

work. I received several other messages of good will for my name day, including my Godmother who sent

me the Greek of the services to my patron saint, I will work on translating it and Fr A has said he will help

with this and blessed me one I remembered my name day as I nudged him to remember.

I read a bit and settled late, I need to get on with work tomorrow as I have been lazy this week. My faith is

in Christ Jesus my God and King.

4/9/20

I woke early. I read a lot, played on the Wii twice, made all the writing sessions, got the editing of the essay

done and some thesis work done. I plan to do some work tomorrow with the feast next week. I settled late

and tired. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my king.

5/9/20

I slept in a bit. I played a lot and read a lot some of which was academic reading. I changed my bed linins

and decided to use a new set of covers.

I rana wash, had a shower and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and king my risen Lord and

redeemer.

6/9/20

I slept in a little later than intended. Mum gave me a lift to Fr Al’s. liturgy was full of grace, there is

something special about the intimacy of serving in a domestic setting. I know in myself it is grace but it is

not in the same way as in a majestic services, more understated companionship than overpowering glory.

I had a long chat with Presbytera, fr left us too it as we were discussing women’s things, it is nice to talk

about such things with another women. There was then an agreeable 3-way conversation on the state of

the education system in the UK.

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I spent the afternoon playing on my computer and the Wii. I settled early and a bit tired but I have a lot to do

tomorrow since Tuesday is a great feast so I will do no work.

My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

7/9/20

I woke ok. I got a lot of reading done and a little thesis editing. I made all the meet ups and played a bit

both on my computer and the Wii. I said vespers for the feast, had a shower and enjoyed not cooking as

my brother did it for us all. I settled a little late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King who kept his

mother in perfect purity.

8/9/20

I slept in late but needed it. I red the variables of the feast. I watched bible study in the afternoon as it was

pre-recorded anyway. I watched Fr S’s video over tea, I think I need to arrange a chat with Fr A who is my

current father confessor about my prayer rule and the like, I know he is not one to give obedience’s but it

has not been substantially reviewed since I was a catechumen 8 years ago.

I played a lot both on my computer and the Wii. The government has changed the rules again in Engla nd,

will announced the change as of next Monday. There is no clear strategy and even the schools where there

is a strategy it has been left half finished and not implemented. How can we know what to do without clear

concise and consistent rules. It is a mess which is dreamed up as we go, it is no surprise then that the

results are patchy.

Our little mission is still seeking a home, although when we will be aloud to worship together is anyone’s

guess now. I am eternally grateful to Fr Al for opening his home to me and allowing me to join their family

worship it has saved my sanity, my faith was not the same as in church but it is a consolation and bears

much grace.

All I can do is hope and pray for some who for us to meet as a church and for a safe viable vaccine to

become available soon, or more than one , that way we will be able put an to this end of this outbreak and

a different one used to ring vaccinate outbreaks to control occurrences of the virus. This is the only way to

get the virus out of the general population.

Yet with tis scientific work also needs to come repentance, on how we treat each other and the planet. If we

were more Christlike and better stewards of the earth the virus would not have coursed such problems. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

9/9/20

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I overslept a little, I got very little uni work done, only some reading and chasing of the DSA, computer

problems there end I think and they seem to think I have just started research not towards the end of the

cycle. So they want me to waste time doing another unneeded needs assessment as nothing has changed

in the last year in what I need the way of support. Those forms will take time.

I spent just over my normal time at work and got everything that was needed done, just got to work out

what to do tomorrow apart form a little admin before I go.

I had a shower and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus My God and King.

10/9/20

I slept in a bit. I got a little reading done but no other uni work done. I played a bit and spent the time I

needed too work; it is amazing how polishing can stretch to fit time available.

The government have finally issued guidance to universities, which starts at the position of in person

teaching for all living on campus, I mean really. The numbers are going up, it will probably go to online once

all the undergraduates are safely at uni and locked into expensive tenancy agreements and the staff start

falling sick.

I really need to got a lot done tomorrow, my essay is of prime importance.

I trust my motivation will return it has just gone awol. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my

beloved redeemer.

11/9/20

I woke ok, I got my essay in and started the review paperwork, I have a lot to say on that, I cannot put it in

until my marks are back but I could do a lot of it.

I also did the chores, met up with the others and played a bit much.

Fr A got back to me with permission to break my fast the evening meal which was a bit of a celebration

before my sister goes back to uni. We have also arranged to meet on teams on Monday to discuss my

spiritual life as I want to talk it through, not having properly reviewed it properly since

I was a catechumen, since my confessors did not understand the fact I both wanted and needed such

guidance.

I settled a little late but hope to get up reasonably tomorrow as I have chores to do and need to get a little

uni work done. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my Redeemer.

12/9/20

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I slept in a bit late. I ran a wash and hand washed bras. I read a bit and played a lot and spent too much

time half watching TV. I had a shower, read and wrote some story and got to sleep a bit late. I am going to

Fr Al’s tomorrow for liturgy. There is much to do next week and it is so hard to read rapidly when the book

is tediously written. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

13/9/20

I woke ok. I went to Fr Al’s for liturgy, it is wonderful yet also even in the simple beauty there is a pining for

the purpose-built temple, a proper space for worship. We are trying again to find somewhere when the Lord

wills it will happen. Soon it maybe I cannot go every week as another family can come in terms to be able

to receive as well. To be honest I am so thankful to be able to receive at all if it I mist refrain some weeks

for the sake of others I will.

I played a lot and read a bit today. I have a lot of praying to do tomorrow with the feast and the meeting with

Fr A.

This is a crises or judgment on the world, yet I struggle to fund true repentance on myself. I cannot expect

of others what is not in my own heart. I can only come to control myself and each little bit of light I can

radiate by grace will lighten the darkness around me for the glory of God.

My sister goes back to uni tomorrow which will be a shock but hopefully the impedes I need to get on with it

and finish my reading and editing. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

14/9/20

I woke ok and said the offices of the feast. I went into town and did what I needed to do. I played a lot

today.

I had an hour-long conversation with Fr A. there is not change to my prayer rule and an acceptance of my

vocation as a consecrated virgin. He does consider me to be that and addresses my spiritual needs in an

appropriate way. We had a long discussion about a long term further as he wanted to be shore, I was fully

aware of the options. He also thinks I would benefit from spending an extended period of a month or 6

weeks living in a monastic community to develop the spirituality and obedience levels needed to be able to

lead should I be called upon to do so. Being entirely practical I suspect it will be a small sisterhood under

the umbrella of the brotherhood of Sts Peter and Paul effectively as a progress rather than an abbess

which will be my end. We shall see what the Lord plans for it is at his will I serve. I will however look into

staying at the monastery of Antony and Cuthbert for a week or so in the next year as I know that it is an all-

male monastery it is likely to be one where I can have an effective stay more easily than either of the other

monasteries. Fr Ph also gets my situation having lived it himself.

I had a shower and settled reasonably. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Crucified and Risen Lord and

Saviour.

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15/9/20

I overslept again. I got a little uni reading done. I have been accepted to write for the SCH so I need to get

started on that. I spent 2.5 hours at work. I played a lot and settled ok.

I am still thinking over my conversation with Fr A yesterday, it has given me a lot to reflect on. I commented

on Fr Ph’s bible study. He has spoken quite a bit about Pride and the call for Christians to be humble,

which put me in mind of one of my favourite Psalms 83 as it expresses my deepest desire to be with God

which is mor important than what I do. I have a lot of academic work to do and all the chores tomorrow. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

16/9/20

I woke ok, I spent some time on the Wii and got a lot of reading done, only the conclusion to read tomorrow

along with work and collecting my prescription.

The fact casers are going up is not a surprise to me, the southern counties have less cases but it is only a

matter of time with he uni’s back until cases rise again especially as the weather cools. Not helped by the

seasonal infections which have similar symptoms

I am still reflecting on what Fr A said both about the need for at least some community formation so that I

will be able to lead if I am called on to do so, but also the fact he saw this in me form the start of my journey

to Christ and then to Orthodoxy. God knew what he was doing with the priests who tort me the Anglican

faith, with the clergy at uni and the formation I received as a server and in the direction of ministry. With the

said of inspiration form Deacon R in her class on Christian Spirituality, both about deacons and my second

encounter with icons (my first having been 2 years earlier in St Petersburg, the church of the spilt blood left

and indelible impression on my soul). The noviciate in the Northumbria community was also vital, it formed

the core of my prayer rule, the words may now be orthodox but the pattern and cycle come from the

noviciate, it also formed in me my love for the British saints. I feel that the process also tort the rudiments of

confession. My love for the writings of the fathers has also been important in my formation. Where this will

go my Lord only knows but he has provided me with the tools and skills even though I did not realise it at

the time. Some of those things I learnt before I found the true faith became clear to me is just as good for

formation as the writings of the fathers. Yet what is wrong must be left behind while what is good, loving,

beautiful and true is that of my Lord and I can use for his glory. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and

King.

17/9/20

I woke ok, I finished the book on North African Christianity, and I have done half the primary source work

for the journal article I am doing. I played a little much. I went into town to get my prescription and a few

other things I will find useful if there is another lockdown.

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I did 2 hours at work and a little admin to make up the time. I settled a little late and have a lot to do

tomorrow; some adding to my thesis and probably begging to work though the chapters in part 2 and the

tweaks to part 1 to be done. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Lord and God.

18/9/20

I woke ok, I made all the meet ups and got a reasonable amount done, yet another subsection added for a

new source this time as I had overlooked it. It is a slow laborious but progress is being made.

Covid cases are raising again and the government is dithering just like last time. It is a mess I just pray

people are more sensible than the politicians.

I will try to get a little work done tomorrow. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

19/9/20

I slept in late, but I needed it. I played a lot and got no work done. I must try to at least get a little spiritual

work done tomorrow.

I spent time on the Wii. I changed my bed linins and had a shower. I am going to Fr Al’s again tomorrow.

There is something so precious and beautiful about liturgy in a home but I do not know how much longer

we will be able to do it. My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

20/9/20

I woke ok, mum gain me a lift to Fr Al’s it is wonderful to be able to be at a liturgy in person even if it is very

simple and in a homely setting, such things are no issue to God, after all he was born in a cave/stable and

had nowhere to call home while he ministered.

I played a lot and did a little mission admin.

I feel at the current rate we will have another stage of a few months with little open as the government

throw away all caution and care about getting really on top of the virus or a working monitoring system in

their desire to get businesses open. What can be given for a single human life, what is a life worth, far more

I think than profit or productivity or ant other metric of performance.

I settled a little late after drawing for a while. I have a lot to do in the coming week if the Lord will sustain

me. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King.

21/9/20

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I woke ok, I made all the meet ups today. I got a lot of reference checking done and halfway through a book

which looked promising but does not deliver.

I played on the Wii for a bit and had a shower and got distracted so settled very late.

The government have finally bowed to the inevitable and raised the national alert level. I do not know how

much will change but it as least gives some uni’s will start shifting to on almost exclusive online teaching

with fewer interactions. It is difficult time I am still struggling to really tern my heat to repentance as I should.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

22/9/20

I slept in a bit. No writing and only a little uni admin today. I did however spend just over my normal time at

work.

I had a phone call this morning form the Autism assessment unit, I have an appointment next Wednesday

afternoon to do the assessment online. Finally by the grace of God it is happening.

I stayed up late watching telly with mum. Unsurprisingly the rates of covid are rising again, not that it will

really effect me it is just how long before uni teaching starts to only be online.

I got to bed late and tired but hopeful as well. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Lord God and King my

redeemer and saviour.

23/9/20

I slept in a little, I made bible study spent some time on the Wii. I am plodding through a mountain of

paperwork for the autism assessment unit, I need to read through my responses to the questions tomorrow

to make shore I include everything, open text responses can be rather long especially when I get going.

The book I ordered in May has finally arrived so I must go into town tomorrow to do a back transfer to pay

for it. That could take a while. I will also do another batch of Christmas shopping and will nearly be done.

I have so much to do, I must start getting up and not lasing about. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and

King my redeemer and my Saviour.

24/9/20

I overslept a little. I have finished most of the paperwork I needed to do. I got mum to give me a lift into

town where I have nearly finished my Christmas shopping and sorted out paying for the book which arrived

yesterday, that took a while.

I spent 2 hours at work and then did some admin to make up the time, as I will do next week as well.

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I settled a little late. I also asked Fr A to do the form about how others perceive me since he can be more

objective than anyone in the family, he was willing which is a blessing. I have a lot to do tomorrow but by

the grace of God I will succeed. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

25/9/20

I slept in a bit. I finished off the paperwork for the autism assessment. I got the bit back from Fr A very late

last night. I played far too much. I am pretty shore I will not go to the uni again to study before I complete, I

just need to get two books back to the library. I got to bed late and tired.

I think the government is making a mess of the situation. The developing disaster in university halls could

have been prevented with a little planning and seeing wat was happening overseas, no prophetic ability

required just simple logic. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my king.

26/9/20

I slept in late. I played a lot, typed up some journal, washed bras and backed a cake. I have arranged to go

to Fr Al’s tomorrow for liturgy. I would prefer to have a church to worship in but for not it is better than not

being able to go at all.

I am a little anxious about the appointment on Wednesday. I also have a lot to do in the coming week if the

Lord gives me strength. The amount of Covid is increasing and students are bearing the blame when they

have only done what they were told by the uni or government, the undergrads were sold a lie that there

would be in person teaching so that the unis could get the money as even some of the government

committee on education are so wedded to the idea of in person that they would not release the money

without it. The funding model is currently part of the problem not the solution in both the HE and FE sectors.

The Government need to accept that education is a public good not a commodity.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my risen Lord.

27/9/20

I was a little lazy in getting up. Mum gave ma a lift to Fr Al’s. liturgy was wonderful and I got a visitation of

Grace which can only be described as a hug. I had been wanting a proper hug for days. I have learnt to

moderate me external expressions of such visits to prevent others envy, that support me yeas but also

strengthen my knowledge of how far I am form my beloved.

The mess and scandal around university’s is only increasing. I feel most for the first years suffering so

unjustly as although problems were clearly illustrated beforehand it tacks a mess for people in power to

listen. No student should be thrown off their course for moving out of halls especially if their family home is

in commuting distance and the teaching is online anyway. The moral corruption of the capitalist market

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model has come to the fore and there is no hiding it, not that this has stopped the DofE form blocking the

teaching or discussion of alternatives as antidemocratic. Sorry, market capitalism is anti-democratic in a

true democratic society all are equal before the law, all get paid sufficient for their work to live on, all pay in

according to their income so the poor put in the same percentage as the rich so it is equal in that way but

affordable for all. In a democracy no one is left behind, all get the education they are capable of pa id for by

the state and put back in for the grater good. Capitalism is not democracy as a philosopher or historian

understands it. Capitalism is just a new name for the rich exploiting their power for their own ends, treating

people as resources which are expendable not as people. True democracies value and create people not

workers and consumers.

I trust my beloved Lord will provide for me as he always has. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my

King my redeemer.

28/9/20

I woke ok, I played on the Wii a bit, finished typing up journal, got a lot of book work done and attended all

the meet up sessions. I had a shower and settle reasonably for me.

I have a lot of work to do for the glory of God as I must apply myself to it.

What can I do but work hard, repent and hope the rest is in God’s hands and according to his will he will

provide?

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and king.

29/9/20

I slept in late, I got very distracted praying so did not get much uni work done, only a little reading. I did get

my payed work and my time sheet done though.

I got to bed very late and tired. I am nervous about the assessment tomorrow, I just hope it helps resolve

why things area as they are.

I watched Fr S’s Video which was thought provoking, what he says about prayer applies to why you try to

live the spiritual life, but they way it is expressed does vary as God responds to each of us as we can hear

him so although there are commonalities in the journey there are differences as well. Hence the need for a

spiritual father. I know my prayer life is not a heroic effort but all I can do. I offer my whole self to my

beloved and come before him as often as my work allows. What else can I do?

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

30/9/20

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I woke ok, I got quite a lot of uni work done, the last book read (hopefully, for the thesis anyway) and

integrated. Now we can start editing and compile conclusions.

The Autism assessment was ok actually, a lot less scary than my mind had dreamt up. It will be a week or

so before I get the paperwork but the working diagnoses is that I am on the ASD spectrum at the low

support needs end. It explains a lot about me and will make managing things easier as I have a range of

hammers to crack the support nut with. As a student it will make little difference but it will be important to

the negotiation of workloads and work space.

I have a lot to do in the rest of the Week. I had a shower and settled relatively early. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my God and King.

October 2020

1/10/20

I overslept a little. I made bible study, struggles to settle to any work got a little story work done in the

evening. I spent 2.5 hours at work and tackled some uni admin.

I wrote some story and settled late. My faith is in my Lord Jesus Christ my God and my King, my redeemer.

2/10/20

I woke by the grace of God and Fr Al’s text message . I made all the meet ups and bible study. I had a

productive study skills session and finished drafting my story.

It has been raining most of the day. I am in a good if slightly silly mood.

The news broke today that Donald Trump (the American president) has not only got Corona Virus but has

been hospitalised as their medics are being hyper careful. I do not wish him ill only that he comes to the

realisation of his privilege and responsibility.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my beloved Lord.

3/10/20

I woke ok, I returned my books to the Library, played a lot and did a little Job hunting.

I am still reflecting on the Video by Fr S yesterday, he is always so joyous yet his suffering is grate

especially after he had Covid back in the Spring although he only told us now. I get what he says on the

spiritual life and his argument that everyone sticks with marriage or monasticism. I understand yet at times I

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also feel a distance. That might be why his being my confessor did not work out, but it takes someone

special to guide a person not constrained by the normal limits in their thoughts or prayer. But then talking

with someone who is nurodiverse you have to at least appreciate their drastically different perspective on

everything.

I am still praying and thinking about my own path, I must organise myself not only to finish my thesis but

write to Fr Ph and possibly Fr S about it, I know the Greek monastery in Essex would not work for me, too

noisy .

I am going to Fr Al’s in the Morning for Liturgy. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and my

redeemer.

4/10/20

I woke ok, the liturgy at Fr Al’s went ok, I should not expect a visitation of Grace every week. Young Al was

very please to receive the set of Lego cards especially as it meant he got some he did not already have. He

has such an intense joy at times which is wonderful to behold.

I played a lot and spent some time on the Wii fit.

Talking today with Fr Al it seems that Antioch does not have the tradition of monastics not in a monastery.

Rather there is a stronger tradition of choosing secular celibates for important positions including most of

the bishops in the Holy Synod. This is for me far more relevant to the relates of the spiritual life of people

than that of monks as a monastic belongs in a monastery not the world. The calling of a celibate in the

world is different. In many ways we resemble monastics and may even form fellowships for support but in

other ways we are very different. I appreciate Fr Al explaining that in Antioch we do not make our celibates

become monks to be ordained rather we respect the difference between the calling to be a secular celibate

and a monastic. I still think it is worth talking these things through with Fr Ph when I get time as he

understands the calling and possibly Fr S.

I got to bed late and tired. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

5/10/20

I overslept a little. I made meet ups and bible study. I had a slow stary this morning but read through a

whole chapter in the afternoon, restructured my referencing system and came up with a list of things for the

next supervision. I also spent some time on the Wii.

I had a shower and settled ok. I need to get myself organised to write to Fr Ph about my last discussion

with Fr A as Fr Ph is the best placed to help me find an opportunity which is compatible with the fact I do

not function in a ‘normal way’.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I have a lot of work to do this week as my Lord sustains me. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my king

my beloved Lord

6/10/20

I overslept a little. I played too much. I went shopping and spent rather a lot, in my defence some was for

the household and some for the basics bank but I forgot two things I really need so will have to get then

next time I am in town to collect a prescription.

Work went ok, there was plenty to do which made a nice change. No uni work done today so must work

hard tomorrow. I went to bed a little early for me, but I need the sleep. My faith is in Christ Jesus my risen

Lord.

7/10/20

I woke ok but not promptly. I got a lot of uni work done, played a bit and did the vacuuming.

I fell really positive about how much I have got done, shore the slog of reading through is to come but it

helps. I also backfilled a bit I had missed (just need to finish the formatting).

I had a shower, read a little and settled readily. I have a feeling this winter is going to be a difficult one, we

really could do with the weather helping us to stay apart a little longer.

I trust my beloved Lord will see us through this time of trial and temptation. My faith is in Christ Jesus my

God and King my redeemer.

8/10/20

I woke ok, I got ch8 checked and the translation I needed to do done, I am improving as Fr A checked it for

me and it was substantially right more stylistic than anything else in need of change. I took long enough

to do.

I played a bit, the PGR meeting went well and was productive.

I settled a little late and tired. I have a lot to do tomorrow with study skills and work.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my beloved God and King my Redeemer.

9/10/20

I slept in a bit. I got some uni work done. Study skills went well. I also spent 2.5 hours at wok.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I retired ok but spent quite a while reading. I enjoy doing so in the peace of the night.

I still have lodes of work to do but I stop at a time.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and king.

10/10/20

I slept in a bit but needed it, I played a lot and read a bit and got no work done, I did wash my bras though.

I had a headache all day which finally stated to go when I showered so I think in part it was related to the

need to wash my hair. I am going to Fr Al’s for liturgy tomorrow.

I feel so small compared to the eminence challenges I face in my own hear let alone everything else. Yet I

know my beloved’s love of which I am not worth sustains me.

What will happen is unknown yet not to god only to us so I know he will guide me through in such a way as

to save me. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

11/10/20

I woke ok, liturgy in its simplicity was full of grace. The conversation afterword’s was rather rambling.

Once I got home, I played on my computer and the Wii. I got to be rather late and tired. Fr Ph’s sermon was

thought provoking. He was exploring how to live in a Christian way in love. It is hard and St Paul’s letter to

Titus males a good meditation before confession. It is hard to be truly loving especially when love demands

respecting the free will even when you know and have said that the action will harm themselves and others.

If you love truly you participate a little in God’s suffering for his children who forever fail to head his

warnings.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my risen Lord God and saviour.

12/10/20

I overslept a little. I made all the meetups and bible study. I got a whole chapter read through. If I keep

working at it I will get there. Admittedly rather helped by chocolate raises, one for each paragraph read

which kept me reading and to task.

I helped get my old laptop set up so mum could zoom on it.

I played a bit, had a shower and settled late. It is a mess and if everyone was sensible with minimal contact

and distancing, we could squash this virus. It would mean everyone tacking the brave decision to work from

home if at all posable and that should include, HE and FE. Older students are more likely to spread it and

Altered for clarity by the researcher

get sick, rate could easily be suppressed even in the worst areas in this way. All I can do is my best and

pray a lot.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

13/10/20

I slept in late, but needed it. I only got a little uni work done, played a lot and spent some time at work. I

have a lot to do tomorrow so need to get up.

I can see the whole mess coming again as our political leaders are not brave enough to envisage a

different way of doing things rather than what they persevere with a failed system with some tweaks at the

edges.

My faith is in my risen lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

14/10/20

I overslept as I did not get up when I woke before my alarm. I got a chapter read through. I also played a bit

too much. I did the chores, had a shower and settled late.

I amorally unsettled in myself as I sense the unsettled nature of what is going on around me.

My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

15/10/20

I overslept a bit. I watched bible study, wrote my conclusion, and spent 2.5 hours at work. I also played a bit

and read. I settled late and tired.

The paperwork finally come though confirming I have passed all the modules in research skills. I

still need to pin Fr A down for a supervision though, he has gone quiet on me.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

16/10/20

I overslept a bit but was very productive academically. I also made bible study, some of the meetups and

played a bit. Study skills was also productive.

I really do not like the smell of wet paint, dad has been redecorating the downstairs toilet most of the week.

I settled a little late and very tired. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my God my King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

17/10/20

I slept in late. I got no work done and played a lot on my computer. I had a shower, changed my bed linins,

and settled late after reading a lot.

I am really unsettled in myself; I need confession which is just not available and I am suffering because of

it. I am looking forward to liturgy tomorrow.

My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and my king.

18/10/20

I woke ok after a bit of an unsettled night. It is wonderful to be able to attended liturgy at Fr Al’s, it is so

much easier on me than a church especially as I would struggle to even wear a visor of the length of a

service, I have a tolerance of 30-40 minuets.

I watched Fr Ph’s sermon and responded, in my normal short but profound way, I got a lovely little

response form Fr Ph. I spent the afternoon playing on the computer.

I got to bed late and tired, I have a lot to do tomorrow, God willing it will be productive. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my Risen Lord God and King my Saviour.

19/10/20

I overslept a bit but made bible study. I spent 46 minuets on the Wii. I got a reasonable amount of uni work

done admin wise and reading through the changes made by Fr A during our 2-hour supervision, we will

continue on Wednesday so I need to have some changes to make to my text by then.

I have an external examiner now, I nudged Fr A to email at the start of our supervision, by middle evening

we had a yes.

I made 2 of the meet ups today, had a shower and settled and settled early I am knackered. My faith is in

my risen lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

20/10/20

I slept in a bit as I was exhausted even with an early night.

I got west chapter read though and homophone checked. I also collected my prescription, did some

shopping and banking. I also spent 2.5 hours at work not that there was much to do. I got to bed very tired

and a little late. I have developed another of my large and painful spots which takes an age to heal.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I have a lot to do tomorrow and I trust that my beloved will sustain me. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God

and King my Redeemer.

21/10/20

I slept in late as I was physically exhausted. I read through the intro and conclusion of part II. I watched

bible study over lunch and Fr S’s video over dinner. I had 2 hours supervision with Fr A again we got nearly

halfway through ch7, it has been a bit of a marathon. I finally tracked down my pesky quote though.

I played a bit, had a shower, read for a while, and settled ok. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus

my God and my King.

22/10/20

I struggled a bit to wake. I got a little reviewing done but that was all. I did however spend 2.5 hours at work

(well ish as some was admin at home). I am getting bord at work as it is all up together and I do not have

enough to do to stay occupied.

I played quite a bit, probably a bit much. I have a lot to do tomorrow as well as feasting St James the

brother of our Lord along with Sts Mawanna and Ethelfleda of Romsey. I sent the story of the Romsey

saints to FR Al who was thankful.

I must pray for Fr P though as the normal bible study did not happen today, I assume he must be sick. I

settled a little later than intended and very tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King who is glorious in his

saints.

23/10/20

The feast of St James, St Mawanna and St Ethelfleda.

I woke ok, I made the 9am meetup. Bible study happened today. I got some uni work done. I had two study

skills sessions, a union event on race, disability and health and safety where one of my questions was

answered.

I had a nearly 2 hour supervision with Fr A where we finished chapter 7, we will now leave it a week or just

over for me to get the other things done before ewe do another batch of supervisions.

I have arranged to go to Fr Al’s on Sunday again. Still no use of somewhere to meet as a flock. I got to bed

a bit late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my beloved lord God and Saviour my redeemer.

24/10/20

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I slept in a bit, washed my bras, played a lot had a shower and settled ok despite the confusion of clock

change. It was hard work with various parts of the family coming around in series (to keep to the six-person

rule). I am in a strange and pensive mood. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my king my risen Lord.

25/10/20

I woke ok after the extra sleep due tot eh clocks going back. I went to Fr Al’s, the service was good, though

little Al is now struggling to sit through it, I think the sooner we get a church or chapel we can worship in the

better for him and all of us really.

I played a lot and did some sewing. I settled a little late and tired. I have much to do tomorrow and this

week, I will succeed if the Lord wills. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my Redeemer.

26/10/20

I woke ok, I made all the meetups and bible study. I also made the catchup organised by admin which went

ok but I think I will not bother with another it is just too draining when I am also trying to get work done.

I had a shower and went to bed early. I am amazingly tired which must relate to the amount of effort I am

having to put into my work at this time. My faith is in Christ Jesus my king and God who is glorious in his

saints.

27/10/20

I slept in very late as I was very tired. I got only a little uni work done, played a little much. I went into town

to do needful things and went to work. My examiners are now settled just need to finish editing and proofing

my texts. I have so much work to do but trust my Lord will sustain me.

I got to bed later than I had intended but still earlier than often. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

28/10/20

I slept in a bit, I made bible study, showered and read through chapter 6 in detail. I am finally getting there I

think. I played a bit and had to struggle not to get annoyed with mum. I went to bed early as I am still tired. I

think switching HRT might help though. I will need to arrange an appointment with the women’s health

specialist at my sugery to discuss it, but probably we cannot change anything until the op. I trust my

beloved Lord will see that happens at the best possible time. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

29/10/20

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I woke okish. I got a little editing done and a lot of admin. I played a bit and did the chores. I had a shower

and settled reasonably. I have a lot to do and pray that my beloved will sustain me. I also hope and pray I

will not have to wait much longer for my op, the Lord alone knows when it will be and I know it will be at the

best time for it to happen. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

30/10/20

I slept in a bit. I got a reasonable amount done and some admin. The internet was down much of the day

which was a pain. I need to get at least a little done tomorrow. I got to bed late and a bit tired. My faith is in

Christ Jesus my God and King.

31/10/20

I slept in a little. I hanged my bed linins, I played a lot. I have arranged to go to go to Fr Al’s tomorrow, the

last time until December as the government through bad management have got us to the point where we

must have another lockdown.

I have a lot of work to be doing academically and need to order some wax for making candles as well as Fr

Al has bought more candles off me. I know we will got through this if we preserver and there is always more

space for repentance.

I had a shower and settled a little late. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

November 2020

1/11/20

I woke ok, I went to Fe Al’s for the liturgy, it was joyous of course as it always is to be with my Lord, but

also sad as I know it will be the last one for a while. I trust my beloved will not deprive me of grace even if I

am denied his body by circumstances.

I played a lot and have started my Christmas list. I got to bed a little on the late side. My faith is in my risen

Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

2/11/20

I woke ok, I got a reasonable amount done, spent some time on the Wii. I had a three-hour supervision (a

record). I also exchanged emails with S (my line manager) about how it will work in the coming lockdown. I

had a shower, read a bit and settled reasonably. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King.

3/11/20

I slept in a little. I read through Ch1 which is around 10% of the word count though, I still have a lot to do. I

ordered the wax I need and some other bee related stuff, which is not on root. I have also been asked to do

another course evaluation which is good.

I need to work on my self-discipline and my repentance. The fact we are back in lockdown makes little

difference to me. Dropping to one session a week at work should mean I have more time for thesis work.

By the grace of God we will get through this time. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King and my Redeemer.

4/11/20

I overslept a little. I got some uni work done but found it hard to concentrate today. I burnt my holy rubbish.

I also played too much.

I had a shower and settled ok. I have manged to arrange reducing my work hours to 90 minutes a week

with S which will make things more manageable when it comes to workloads.

I need to organise my nurse’s appointment. It seemed like hald the estate were having fireworks tonight as

lockdown starts this very night. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King who is glorious in his Apostles.

5/11/20

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I struggled a bit to get up. I did the cleaning and went to work. I got no uni work done but did spend some

time on Linked in. I read a bit and played a lot.

I settled ok and very tired. We are back in a form of lockdown which makes little difference to me as I am

only venturing form home occasionally anyway. My faith is in my beloved crucified and risen Lord Christ

Jesus my King.

6/11/20

I overslept a little after a disturbed night. I got a lot of admin done and attended my study skills sessions. I

need to get some work done tomorrow so I do not get behind. I have booked my nurses appointment for

next Friday, it seems like an eternity but I trust my beloved lord will get me there. My faith is in Christ Jesus

my King and redeemer.

7/11/20

I slept in after a difficult night including a nightmare. The only benefit was that it reveals how full of pride,

sloth and gluttony I have been recently. I know I am stressed and tired but that is not excuse for allowing

my passions to run amok as they have.

I have organised for Fr A to come tomorrow to hear my confession and bring me communion as that alone

will sustain me until my injection on Friday. It took some negotiating but he is coming on root to the liturgy

as he is serving with Fr Vin Southampton. For this I will pause the live streamed service my beloved will

understand.

I got a little uni work done and played quite a bit. I settled a little late and very tired. My faith is in my risen

Lord Christ Jesus my King and my God.

8/11/20

I woke early. I said communion prep. I watched the service online with an interval when Fr A came. It is

bittersweet to only be able to observe the service but the situation is what it is. It was really necessary to

have Fr A bring me communion and hear my confession, not a quick one as they revealed the essence of

the problems and despite expressing it in a succinct way my soul was greatly burdened. The relief to be

able to confess was great. Fr gave me wise counsel about my struggles with not being able to reach the

normal ascetic level due to my heat problems and my continuing battle with self-discipline. A gentle and

grace filled wisdom which comes form one who understands suffering and the tradition of the church.

although of course I know too that the Holy Spirit was speaking them. With communion I received a sense

of peace and joy which spread to engulf me not viciously but like spring rain or a flower opening soft and

gentle yet powerful. Today I cried for joy as yesterday I wept in repentance.

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I had lunch with the family, played a bit, backed a cake, had a shower and went to bed early. Mt faith is in

my beloved risen lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

9/11/20

I woke ok, I struggled to settle to work in the morning but got the east sources chapter done after lunch. I

struggled to read it through but worth it as I cut another 100 words.

I played a little, attended bible study and spent time on the Wii fit. I have a lot to do tomorrow and have to

work on working. I have had a bit of an issue with hot flushes and muscle aches today. There is really good

news that one vaccine has passed phase three trials. By the grace of God things are looking hopeful now. I

went to bed early but tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my redeemer.

10/11/20

I woke ok, I spent some time on the Wii, I made bible study as well. I got 2 chapters read through which

was no mean feet. I have arranged meeting up with Fr A as well for supervision.

I read quite a bit, had a shower, and settled readily. By the grace of God and the prayers of the holy fathers

I am making it thorough this breakthrough ok. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my King.

11/11/20

I slept in a bit. I got a reasonable amount done, including supervision with Fr A, watch was under an hour

long. I have much still to do but thanks to be God things are progressing.

I emailed Il, played a bit and read for a while. I settled earlyish and tired. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ

Jesus who is glorious in his apostles.

12/11/20

I overslept a little, I made bible study. I did some uni admin. I had a shower read a bit and settled ok. I am

glad my implant injection is tomorrow. I have a lot to do and trust my beloved Lord Christ Jesus will sustain

me by his grace.

13/11/20

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I struggled to get up but made bible study. I only got a few figgity things done today. I had my implant which

is a relief, another 10 weeks until I need to worry again. I can just pray that the op will come, I trust me

beloved Lord.

I found a job advert by accident today, so that is Monday’s primary activity along with applying to the Royal

history Society membership as an early year’s member. I played a lot, read a bit and settled reasonably. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my King and God.

14/11/20

I woke ok, played a bit and got some work done on the bibliography. There is a real risk my text will not be

long enough but if I add some more quotes to part II it will get longer in especially in the Africa chapter

which is the shortest. To think I feared about running out of words.

I said evening prayer with vesper variables at the time the monastery said it. I sent emails to Fr Ph and Fr F

who both appreciated the name day greetings.

I changed my bed linins, had a shower and settled okish. My faith is in my Risen Lod Christ Jesus my God

and my King.

15/11/20

I woke ok, praying with he service online was bittersweet, but better than nothing. I played on my computer

and spent time on the Wii. I retired really and read a lot. I have a lot to do this week, but trust my beloved

Lord will sustain me. My faith is in my beloved Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

16/11/20

I slept in a little. I made bible study. I did my application to become an early year’s member of the Royal

History Society. I also did the Job application for York St John University. We shall see what happens with

both the Lord will see that it is right whatever the outcome.

I spent some time on the Wii, I played and read a bit. I had a shower and settled a little late. My faith is in

Christ Jesus my God and King.

17/11/20

I overslept a bit. Got a lot of work done, but I am noy halfway there yet, but by the grace of God I will

succeed. I settled reasonably and very tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

18/11/20

I woke ok, I watched bible study. I got the whole of part II checked which was a relief which is no small task.

I have a lot of chores to do tomorrow and must try to get some thesis work done too. I had a shower and

settled reasonably. My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

19/11/20

I overslept a little. I had a very productive day, attending bible study, doing the vacuuming, and ironing

along with going to work and making soup. I also get the referencing checked for part III and the edicts sent

by J. by the grace of my Lord a good day. I still have much to do but it will all come together in time and by

the grace of the Holy Spirit guiding me into all wisdom. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King.

20/11/20

I woke ok. I played a bit, attended bible study and got a lot og work done. I have sent my thesis to my

supervisors and started on the course review I am doing, that I will finish on Monday.

I ‘attended’ the Vidal for the feast, a 4 hour marathon. I also had both study skills sessions today. I had a

shower and settled a little late. I feel conflicted in that I am joyous but also sorrowful. I desperately miss

church, though not the commute to church. yet I also have the joy of the feast in my heart. I trust my

beloved will bring us through this challenging time. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

21/11/20

The feast of our Lady’s entrance into the Temple. I slept in but needed it. I played a lot and did some

sewing. I also washed my bras. I read a bit and settled late.

I trust my beloved will guide me through these troubled times. I am glad and thankful for the scientific

progress is being made but also we, each of us, must examine ourself spiritually for the sickness of sin is

just as deadly as any physically disease but eternally so. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my God

and King.

22/11/20

I woke ok, it is hard yet comforting to attended the services virtually, better than not being at church at all

but not ideal. Fr Ph’s sermon has that prophetically and a reminder to live the gospel. I played a lot and

read a bit. I have had breakthrough spotting and pain. It explained the backache for the last week though. If

the spotting does not stop I will have to get a GP appointment, although really what I need is the op, I will

have to ask the clergy I know to pray with me that it happens soon.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I have much to do this week. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my Redeemer.

23/11/20

I overslept after an unsettled night. I have nearly finished the course validation paperwork, I will check it

through tomorrow. I also did the background for my article mostly gathering articles for reference. I played a

bit and settled lateish.

I am still spotting so we will have to see, if I remain unsettled it will be worth seeing my GP. I personally feel

praying for the op[ to happen will help as well. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my God and my

King.

24/11/20

I struggled a bit to get up. I made bible study, played a bit and red a bit. I have started on the journal article

finally and had a meeting with disability services which was quick and efficient in getting what was needed

done. I had a shower and settled a bit late.

I am struggling physically and mentally with the pain spotting and other symptoms, it is as if the hormone

blocking is no longer fully working. If that is the case we have an urgent problem which only the surgery can

resolve. I trust my beloved that it will come Rome and not be more than I can handle. My faith in in Christ

Jesus my God and King.

25/11/20

I slept in late, I got some work done on the journal article. I played a bit. I watched the union event on

PGR’s should be staff which was good. I finished off looking through the paperwork for the course I am

involved in and sent it in.

I read a bit and settled late. My crazy hormones seem to be settling again which is a relief. My faith is in my

beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

26/11/20

I overslept a little. I did all the chores, went to work and did a little work on my journal article. When I will get

to liturgy again the Lord’s only knows, but I also know he will not deprive me of himself. I had a show and

settled a little late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

27/11/20

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I overslept a little. I got only a little writing done but put an application in for a temp job. I did not get

shortlisted for the York Job. I played a lot, I am most of the way to organising a supervision with J and Fr A

It has been a hard day my grandfather has had a TIA which lead to an unmitigated crisis and with my

grandmothers failing memory it is hard work. I got to bed late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God

and King.

28/11/20

I slept in very late, but I needed it. I got about an hour’s work done on my journal article. I played a lot, had

a shower changed my bed linins and settled late. It was comforting to watch vespers, but I miss being at

church. I have arranged for Fr A to come tomorrow morning with communion. My faith is in my risen Lord

Christ Jesus my Goa and my King.

29/11/20

I woke early. I watched the service live an coloured while I prayed. Fr A brought me communion, simple

and quick but an act so profound. There is something I cannot put into words about receiving the very

presence of my Lord yes but separate from my brothers and sisters in Christ. Yet also with them once

again in the simple physical surroundings of a garden. It is profound when I receive and more so when I

confess as well. Somehow in that moment of eternity I touch or glimpse the reality of Eden before the fall,

of the change in eternity. Words fail me on this it is too deep too powerful but it is so real the most real thing

which happens.

I played and read a lot and settled late. My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

30/11/20

The Feast of St Andrew the first Called.

I overslept a bit. I got the Job application off tweaked my thesis and did a little work on my journal article. I

have a number of books to reed and one last section to check footnotes and referencing. It should also help

me extent the text God willing.

I had an email form Fr F which I took some time to respond to along with fixing a rip in my Skirt. I had a

shower read a bit and settled Late. My faith is Christ Jesus my god and King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

December 2020

1/12/20

I overslept again. I got some work done on my Journal Article but need to press on with reading tomorrow. I

also did find a few bits work into my thesis or check I have included. I made soup, my only practical thing

today, and did a little admin.

The recurrent pain and other symptoms are getting worse as the hormone blockers begin to fail. I need the

op as soon as possible yet my Lord only can arrange it now. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Crucified and

Risen Lord my Beloved.

2/12/20

I slept in late. I had a text about having a smear test which I will ignore, especially as I also had a call form

Poole hospital checking I was still willing to have the op. AS I am I should now be contacted by the

admissions team in the next few weeks as to a date and the needful organisations.

I got some work done but my concentration was lacking today. I have the chores and work tomorrow. I had

a shower and was slow to settle again. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Risen Lord and King my beloved.

3/12/20

I overslept a bit. I did the chores and went to work but did not uni work. I also played a bit much.

My step grandmother has been taken to hospital which is to some extent a relief. We know she has

dementia but what else is going on?

I settled ok. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow academically and study skills. Mt faith is in Christ Jesus my

God and King.

4/12/20

I woke readily, I got some work done but not as much as I had hoped to. Study skills went well. I played

quite a bit and read a bit. I had a shower and settled late. H has come home from uni for Christmas. It will

be chaos for the next few weeks with 3 of us working online simultaneously. I settled late and tired. My faith

is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

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5/12/20

I slept in late, I got a little writing done and I did a bra wash. I settled late as I am struggling in myself. I want

desperately to attend liturgy in person again but I do not feel safe too. It is not that I am concerned that the

chalice itself could spread disease rather it is the length of time in the building of the church, especially as I

cannot wear a mask. There are also risks involved with travelling. It is so hard and spending a month or so

in a monastic community is looking more appealing as I would be able to return frequently and my desire to

become closer to my beloved. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

6/12/20

I woke ok, it is hard not to go the Church, I really want to be at the liturgy in person, it is just not safe at this

time. I struggle a lot and suffer when a church is very closed as a community as they just do not understand

me. I hope and pray it will not be too much longer before the mass vaccination role out. I played a lot and

baked a fasting cake. I have a busy week coming up. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

7/12/20

I overslept a bit. I made bible study and two of the meetups. I got some of my journal article writing done

but it was slow and tedious as editing always is. The next stage with a screen reader should be easier and

more productive. I played a bit and went to bed relatively early for me. I have a lot to do tomorrow but the

course review should be good. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

8/12/20

I woke ok, the course revalidation was hard work but also satisfying. A good job well done is. I went into

town and reordered my prescription (which had gone missing somehow). I also did the other things I

needed to. I got a little work on my journal article done. It is a slow process working with Greek text

especially as I am not fluent. Tomorrow will be an intense day. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

9/12/20

I overslept a little. I got some work done on the journal article and some on my thesis. I had a 2 hour

supervision then did the paperwork. Things are coming together and before then Fr A and Harry have

found much of what would be found by the examiners. I now know what needs to do the corrections. I went

to bed early and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King.

10/12/20

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I woke ok, got some uni work done, did the ironing and went to work. I had a shower and settled a little late.

Mt faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

11/12/20

I woke ok, got a reasonable amount of uni work done, but still have a s significant amount of editing to do. I

need to go into town tomorrow to get my prescription. I settled a little late and tired. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my God and King.

12/12/20

I overslept a little, I played a bit and got no uni work done. I went into town to get my prescription and got

the ingredients for the stew. I rather overestimated the number of parsnips needed so will have a go at

making vegetable crisps to tomorrow of a change.

I changed my bed linins, had a shower, and settled late. I really miss going to the church and participating

in in the liturgy, I do not however feel safe to travel to a church which is open. Mt faith is in Christ Jesus my

God and King.

13/12/20

I slept in a bit, it is bittersweet to watch liturgies online, I really miss going to church. I had a go at making

vegetable crisps which was a qualified success, I may well make some for boxing day. I went to bed early

with a migraine coming on, just what I do not need with the amount of work I need to do this week. My faith

is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

14/12/20

I slept in as I was getting rid of the tale of a migraine. I got quite a bit of work done. I had a shower and

settled a little late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

15/12/20

I woke reasonably. I got quite a bit done, I am halfway through editing now. I also played quite a bit. The

date for my Viva looks to be the 12th of March, the feast of St Simion the new Theologian. I chose it as it is

a relatively powerful saint who may look my way. I got to bed a bit late and rather tired.

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News came through today that the hospital have done some further checks on my grandmother who was

admitted a week or so ago, it turns out she has advanced colon cancer as well. It is now a case of when not

if, I just pray she will not linger in suffering. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

16/12/20

I woke ok, I finished going through the tweaks in my thesis. I have arranged to have a supervision with Fr a

on Monday. It is looking like Christmas will still be in tear 2 for us, but as we are not bubbling I have

coordinated with Fr Al to is what the situation is, since technically we could form a Christmas bubble so I

can attend a liturgy as least on the feast.

I had a shower and got to bed a little late. My Viva date is confirmed, it is becoming all the more real now,

soon I will flage but into what world? My faith is in Chrst Jesus my god and My King my Redeemer and

Beloved.

17/12/20

I overslept a bit. I got no uni work done and played quite a lot. I spent time at work and made the PGR

social. I have found another Job to appy for at St Mary’s University in Twickenham London, it is a Catholic

university so there will be some challenging but Archimandrite Nikodemos is a visiting lecturer so I know

the fact I am orthodox will not be an issue, and so as a Church historian I can bring another perspective to

theology. I settled early as I have a lot to do tomorrow. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

18/12/20

I woke ok, I got some uni work done and a job application, I can just keep trying until I succeed which will

be when the Lord Wills. I played a lot. I had a shower and settled relatively well. My faith is in Christ Jesus

my God and King.

19/12/20

I slept in late, I washed my bras and worked on my thesis, mum found in the presents a book I had ordered.

This yielded some quotes and a found clarifications which was good, also a seconds 2020 book which

looks good. I have a lot to do next week and which will be clarifying and tweaking. I am also meeting Fr A

for a supervision on Monday.

This afternoon Boris changed the rules agin. Creating a tear 4 and confining Christmas to one day. Nothing

is really a surprise, I am only one is that the government is not dizzy from all the u turns.

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I emailed Fr Al who is still willing for me to come on Christmas day which is a relief. Fr A is not going to his

parishes as they are in tear 4 now. I played a little much and read a bit I got to bed a little late and tired. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my Lord God and saviour my Redeemer.

20/12/20

I woke ok, I watched the liturgy online. Fr Ph sermon was short by challenging. I wrapped all the presents,

played a lot and read a bit. I have finalised arrangements for Christmas day with Fr Al, as long as the

government drop no more bomb shells between now and then. I had a shower a settled a little late. I have a

busy week coming. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

21/12/20

I slept in a little, I played a little too much. I got the work I needed to done. I had a productive and effective

supervision with Fr A. The end is now in sight so much so the deadline is on my Form F this time. I settled

early and a bit tired.

It is a mater of when no if my step grandmother dies, and even the doctors are accepting that now. There is

talk of her being moved to a care home which can cope with the nursing care needed.

I have a feeling that we are reaching the dark cold bit of the night with the pandemic. The end is not in

sight, it is not even the beginning of the end, it might just be the end of the beginning though. My faith is in

my Beloved Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

22/12/20

I woke ok, I made bible study. I got a little thesis and journal work done, I played a lot. The Zoom meet up

with others from the bible study was good, not least that the parish of the Holy Apostles ahs gained another

parishioner. I have had a difficult day with my feelings. The stress is not helping my hormones which are

not balanced currently. I am just praying that we will get the Christmas day meetups so I can receive again.

After that it is more variable.

I am definitely struggling with my emotions which is tempting me to binge again. I think I will have to see in

Fr A can come on the feast of st Basil (new years day) to bring me communion and hear my confession I

can unburden my hear again. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

23/12/20

I woke okish. I did the ironing and some sewing. I played a lot and did a little admin. I settled and tired.

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Unsurprisingly most of Hampshire is going into tear 4 on boxing day, what is a problem though is that areas

with higher infection rates are not going up as hight in the tears. It seems to me made up as the

government goes and leaves people at the mercy of the system. There needed to be a clear way of

associating infection rates with tears so there is clarity in response to infection rates. I just hope and pray

next year will be better than this one. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

24/12/20

I woke ok, I did the eve services or at least shortened versions of the longer ones and the whole royal

hours. I went to work and did my time sheet as I am on leave next week. I played a bit much, I had a

shower and settled late.

My skin is really bad with eczema flare ups.

I had a sense of joy for the coming feast and saying royal hours helped, but this year is so bittersweet. I

hope I will receive grace being able to receive tomorrow. I am eternally grateful that Fr Al is allowing me to

go to his house tomorrow to attend the liturgy and receive. As small as it sounds, I just pray the Lord will

forgive his sins and those of young Al and Presbytera. I will give little presents as a token of my thanks but

the greatest thing I can give is the monastic blessing even if I do not articulate it allowed in their presence,

for my guardian angle will let theirs know the prayer I say in secret for them. My faith is in Christ Jesus my

God and King who is this day born in the flesh.

25/12/20

The Feast of the Nativity of the Lord.

I woke ok, I went to Fr Al’s for the liturgy, a painful and bittersweet thing. Yes the Liturgy was wonderful and

full of grace but to know it could be months before the next one is hard. Young Al liked his present, my

presents for Fr and Presbytera also were well received. I got a rather large box of shortbread form them

and next year’s church calendar.

I spent much of the afternoon playing I settled late and a bit tired. I had an email form I which I responded

too. I need to Fr A tomorrow, I am struggling in myself. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King who was born in

a cave and laid in a manger for my salvation.

26/12/20

I woke ok, I played a lot, I have been struggling with my feelings which are low. It is eerily quiet again with

yet another lockdown. I know the only way we can get back to some form of normality is the wide role out of

the vaccine, and if we accept that we will get somewhere.

I had as shower and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my newly bourn Lord God and saviour.

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27/12/20

I overslept, I said typica as the liturgy was not broadcast. I played a lot. Fr Al got to me today in relation to

the research I had been doing for the parish, it is now going to the bishop we can make the final decision.

Fr A should be sending me next years lectionary, I have promised to research into Anglo-Saxon and other

British saints in return. I have a lot of thesis work to do next week.

It is uncomfortably quiet as it was in the first lockdown, hopefully it will reduce infection rates (not that is it

really high, 18 people in Boyett Wood, nothing really). I just pray the Oxford vaccine is rolled out soon and

that there are enough people to help administer it so we can get the vaccination rate needed to get control

of the virus and some form of normality resuming. It will be different form the past but together we can build

a new future. It is not pleasant to live through monumental times historically, but such times as these

produce saints. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

28/12/20

I slept in a bit. I read through one of my Christmas presents which has some salient points for context for

my thesis. I must start the read through tomorrow. I played quite a bit and eat a lot. I had a shower and

settled relatively early. I am really struggling with low mood when I am not occupied in particular. The slow

process of reading through is not helping, but beyond this is the worry about covid, about when I will get my

op and if the blocking drugs will last long enough. It has been a long hard year and we may now just be

approaching the end of the beginning of the crises. My faith is in Christ Jesus who became incarnate for my

sake.

29/12/20

I woke ok, I made bible study, I read through part ! and made a few changes but mostly fiddle things. I

played a bit. It is inevitable that we will end up in a national lockdown as strict as last spring. It is just a

mater of when. I wish the government would stop trying to hedge their betas and just set it in motion.

Simultaneously mobilising more medics to speed up vaccination doing form 16 up as well as top down, that

would result in quicker control of the virus and we could be on top of it by Pascha or even Western Easter.

I am struggling with the uncertainty over the Pandemic and also the fact my step grandmother is dyeing, it

will be easier in some ways once she has died.

I will be glad when 2020 is over, I will also be thankful to get my thesis in finally. My faith is in my incarnate

Christ Jesus my God and King.

30/12/20

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I slept in a bit after a disturbed night. I got a reasonable amount of work done. Fr A is in Greece so I will not

be able to receive communion at New Year. My Faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

31/12/20

I slept in a little. I got a reasonable amount done finishing part II and the first chapter of part III. I have a lot

to do tomorrow. I do not know if I will make my self-imposed deadline but I will do my best, there is also the

extra paperwork to do. I got the appointment for the pree-ops today which is good, progress if the Lord

wills. It will not be too long after that for my op. my Lord will provide as ever. My faith is in my incarnate Lod

God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

January 2021

1/1/21

I woke ok, I mad bible study. I have finished reading through the text of my thesis. I also spent about 40

minuets on the Wii, which was a good thing, I had got as unfit as I had feared, still a lot to do though. I

played a bit, showered and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

2/1/21

I slept in late as I needed it. I got no work done but spent an hour on the Wii. My step grandmother died this

morning which to some extent is a relief, the suffering is over. Time will dull the wrench but I will not forget. I

went to bed a bit late as I spent a lot of time playing. My faith is in my incarnate and risen Lord Christ Jesus

my God and King.

3/1/21

I slept in a bit. It was bitter sweet watching the liturgy online. I really want to be able to go to church in

person again. I know that will not happen until this virus is under control which means our leaders need to

get a grip and do what is needed however painful that is. Man and the Channel islands managed to get a

normality or nearly normal back so which is so hard about it really. If the leadership showed consistency

and thoroughness, we might get more obedience form the people. A carrot for doing the right thing would

not go a miss either.

I played a lot and spent over an hour on the Wii, surprisingly I was not that tired afterword’s, I think I need

to do more to push up my stamina which has held up so far.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I have been considering using the ladder of divine assent for lent this year as my Lenten reading is Fr A will

give the blessing. It is like the Philokalia only to be read, other than the symbolist sections, with a blessing

as it is spiritual meet. so to use it as Lenten reading is quite commitment outside a monastic community.

I hope Fr A is back soon, I need to confess again, this stillness and silence has helped me see my sins all

the more clearly.

I had a shower and settled reasonably. My faith is in my incarnate and risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

4/1/21

I woke ok, my thesis is nearly ready to submit. I also attended bible study and played on the Wii.

The country goes into full lockdown again on Wednesday, well today but the law comes into force on

Wednesday. We shall have to see what it does to my work hours. I have plenty of writing to keep me

occupies, and I need to look for Jobs. I will pray to for that I can do for the world.

I was embarrassed in bible study when Fr Ph commented that I showed the glory of God, my response was

that I do not even have the start of the virtues. There was also an amusing reaction of surprise when Fr Ph

realised syedna Siouan was not only watching but had commented. The only parallel I can think of is of a

teacher who suddenly realises the headteacher is watching.

My faith is in my beloved Lord Christ Jesus who has become incarnate for our sake.

5/1/21

I overslept a little. I struggled to concentrate today. I did a little work on the journal article and played quite a

bit. I had a shower and settled reasonably. I which I could be at church for the feast but it is just not safe to

travel. It is hard but I am tacking it as training in ascesis of the hermetical life.

Any work this afternoon was disrupted by the whirlwind of my siblings tacking the Christmas decorations

down. They are quick but it is also nosey. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Lord who this day appeared in the

Jordan river.

6/1/21

I woke silly early to watch the liturgy online. It was bittersweet but still full of grace. I still have the itchy

spots, but it is not shingles. I had a telephone appointment with the GP then an in person one. I got the

impression that he appreciated the fact I regular check my breasts and am observant enough to spot other

changes as well. I then had to spend a short while explaining why I am on the hormone blockers and HRT

oestrogen only, it is so far outside the normal GP training they he worried. Once the fact my consultant is

on the case was verified and that I am finally in sight of the operation which will permanently change the

Altered for clarity by the researcher

situation was it ok. I also got the distinct impression that my GP at least was pleased that uni’s are mostly

not back in person, good to know there is some support for the union stance by those who should know.

I played a lot and settled lateish. I hope the coming year will be better than the last and to get my thesis in

the next few days. My faith is in Christ Jesus my king who this day appeared in the Jorden to sanctify the

waters.

7/1/21

I overslept a little as I was tired. I did all the chores admittedly the ironing was after tea. I also went to work;

I need to email Stephen tomorrow as I forgot. I sent my thesis in, another step towards completing. A

momentous moment which slip quietly by.

I have more prayer to do for the wife and daughter of my second supervisor as they are sick with Covid 19.

I can pray so I will since it is something which takes no extra time as I pray anyway, and it is appropriate for

a person in my position to do. I played quite a bit, showered, and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my

God and King who appeared in the Jorden.

8/1/21

I slept in late but really needed it. I went into town to get my prescription. I made 2 of the three meetups (I

was asleep in the first). I played a lot. I found a job to apply for, a very good start if I can find the references,

that will be the challenge. I had also found the deacon conference is doing a number of online sessions this

year, so have emailed E one of the organisers about attending and presenting at one as I really need the

publications, I also have some time on my hands with having subsidising my thesis.

I got to bed late and tired but hopeful. My faith is in Christ my King.

9/1/21

I slept in late. I changed my bed linins, played a lot, spent a little time on the Wii and read through the

journal article I am working on. I settled late and tired.

It is hard not being able to go to Church. they are still open but I do not feel travelling to Southampton let

alone Bournemouth is local and therefore not in the spirit of the regulations. I also feel uncomfortable

travelling and being in an enclosed space for any length of time with the added factor that I cannot wear a

mask. It would be a little more bearable if Fr A was in the country and could bring me communion. I hope

and pray we can find a way the 12 Apostles parish to start meeting as a parish. Mt faith is in Christ Jesus

my God and my King my beloved redeemer.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

10/1/21

I woke ok, watching services online made me remember once again how much I miss being there in

person. I played a lot on my computer and spent an hour and half on the Wii. I have much to do this week

on journal articles and conference papers along with starting the paperwork for another Job application, the

challenge is the third academic reference as I find networking a real challenge, but I trust my lord will

provide. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my Redeemer.

11/1/21

I overslept a bit. I spent some time on the Wii. I had a lovely email form the professor I amin contact with at

the University of Eastern Finland, my paper is being considered for the seminars. He was just pleased to

have a response I think and very encouraging about my potential position in the community of dea con

Scholars which bodes well for my medium-term future if I can get an academic Job.

I read through the paper I am working for SCH and did the first draft of the abstract. I played quite a bit and

made two of the write up sessions. I had a shower, settled okish. My heart is able to see my sin again yet

my confessor is overseas so I must bear the burden not knowing when I can open the suffering of my hear

to another in safe prayer. My faith is in Christ Jesus my merciful God and King my Redeemer.

12/1/21

I slept in late. I only got a little done drafting my abstract for the journal article and read through the paper. I

played a lot, spent some time on the Wii and got to bed late. I really need to work on when I get to bed. I

need to make confession as well, I can feel so in myself again. My faith is in my merciful Lord Christ Jesus

my King.

13/1/21

I slept in again, I practiced my Greek, attended Bible study and spent time on the Wii. I also made soup. I

am struggling in myself but Fr A is due back soon so I should be able to get feast of the Presentation in the

Temple. I read quite a bit, had a shower and settled late. It is highly likely that the church I work for will be

used as a vaccination centre, which means more work for me but if it is the little I can do to help it is

something. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

14/1/21

I overslept again. I made bible study. I got my prescriptions and did some shopping. I also went to work,

due to the lack of use I had relatively little to do but admin made up the time. I played quite a bit and read

for a while. I settled late and tired. I am struggling, there is much I want to do I just cannot get motivated.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

Along with the chores tomorrow I must get at least a little done on the Job application. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my God and King.

15/1/21

I slept in late but needed it. I played a lot, I have drafted a research plan for where I am going next. I am

undecided if to put a lot of time and effort into applying for a post at Durham when I will struggle to make

the references and publication for the application. I am not certain it is worth the effort for something which

is likely to be rejected at the first or second pruning of the list. It might be better to focus on conference

papers and leave it so I have the energy to use later. I think talking it though with Fr A would help I have

asked if we can meet, it is not thesis related but still part of the journey which means admin paperwork. I

had a shower and read a lot, settled very late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my

Redeemer.

16/1/21

I slept in very late. I washed bras, played a bit and spent some time on Linked In, including messaging a

contact at Chi uni about HPL work on the off chance. I read a lot and settled late, I am mentally exhausted

but although I can slow down stopping is not an option however hard it looks. My faith is in my incarnate

and risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

17/1/21

I woke ok, as liturgy was not broadcast I said typica before watching Fr Ph’s sermon. I played a lot, spent 2

hours on the Wii and read quite a bit. I had a shower and settled a little late. I have much to do this week if

the Lord sustains me. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

18/1/21

I overslept again. I have had an email asking me to do a seminar for the daikon’s project in February which

I accepted. Now I just need to put the presentation together, at least it is something to do. I also need to get

my journal article finished, I am meeting with Fr A in Wednesday and put the whole we do is look at the

article. I spent some time on the Wii and played a lot. I retired early as I am physically tired I know if I sleep

early I will rise early and be able to get much done. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

19/1/21

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I woke reasonably. I made bible study, got some work done and played a lot. I had an email for my line

manager and spent quite a while replying as I kept getting distracted. I also got an email form H about

stock. I had a shower and settled a little late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King and my

Redeemer.

20/1/21

I slept in as I woke with a headache. I got my little done. I played a lot, did a little job searching and had a

productive supervision with Fr A. My article is nearly ready to submit and he approves of the direction for

future research. We also shared some news, the big bit being he is getting care of another parish in

September.

I had a call from the hospital admissions to postpone my pre-op as they are not doing ops currently, it also

is not really safe with the number of Covid patents in the hospital. It did give me the chance to say I am

mask exempt for the hospital notes. When my op will be is in the Lord’s hands as it has always been.

I settled late and a bit all over the place, my hormones wobblily. I have got my hormone blocking jab

booked for next Wednesday at 8.50 or at least I hope it is then not 9.10, I which they would stick to times

past the hour as this courses less confusion. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

21/1/21

I slept in a little but less than recently. I did the vacuuming and went to work, the bugler alarm is less

difficult to operate than I feared. I have also put together a sheet to record the daily cleaning form next

week.

I got an email inviting me to review a new text on academia.edu which I did posting an extensive reply. Well

they asked and it is in part getting my name recognised in the field.

I had a shower and settled a little late after writing for a while. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King .

22/1/21

I slept in. I got the journal article completed and submitted. I played quite a bit.

When I finally checked my emails what I had been dreading had happened. My thesis has been rejected. I

think there is something about viva’s between nativity and Pasch that are no good for me. Most of the

corrections are sensible and some very quick fix. Some bits I just need to say more plainly what I am doing

in the into to avoid confusion, or at least the chapter intros. I got the feeling in a few places thou gh that at

least the internal did not follow my argument or had failed to recognise in something I said.

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It is not an irreversible situation for all my first reaction was to run away to a hermitage and not write again.

This is for now my obedience and I must stick to it.

I will be tacking up the offer from a friend to proofread once it is rewritten, possibly bot offers as a fresh set

of eye helps. I may also contact P a fellow deacon scholar to see if she will provide me with some feedback

as early church deacon scholars are hard to come by in the uk. Fr A is not averse to this latter course of

action. We are arranging a three-way supervision. I have also book study skills until the end of semester as

I really hope I get N as she knows my project which makes it easier.

It seems it was a good thing the job applications were unsuccessful as the Lord knew what would happen. I

must park this mess for a few days and get the international seminar I am doing complete, then after the

Funeral next Wednesday I can turn my attention to creating a plan of action.

My faith is in my ever-merciful Lord God and saviour Christ Jesus my King.

23/1/21

I woke ok, I changed my bed linins. I typed up plan 2.2, which came to me in my sleep last night. I also lay

doubt the first stage of the recovery plan. I finalised an initial draft for my presentation in Feb and spent an

hour on Wii fit. As I prepared to shower tonight I realised the axiom on which my thesis resets, “that to

understand the deacon it is necessary to understand the minor orders and to understand the minor orders it

is necessarily to understand the deacon.” It is a complex concept to understand the axiom as it is a self-

dependent concept. This is only being tested in one period of time for my thesis, and this is working from

the current knowledge of Minor Orders form the era and demonstrating the complexities of history. I

suspect I may leave parts of the academic church history community fuming for a while with this one.

I had a lovely reply form Fr Al. I missed vespers as I was playing games but I needed the escape. I settled

late, tired yet hopeful that this latest set of delays was planed or a least aloud for a greater flowering. My

faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

24/1/21

I woke ok, in part as the later part of the night was disturbed by thunder snow! I made the online service

which is helpful but I would rather be there in person. I watched a lot of videos online, played a lot and

replied to an email form M.

I settled ok and moderately tired. I have a lot of work to do and work in the evenings, the only benefit of the

new work arrangement is I can get more academic work done in the day around chores, I am also coming

off furlough fully as I will be going back to contract hours.

I hope and pray my Lord will guide me through the challenging weeks ahead so his glory can be made

manifest. My faith in Christ Jesus my God and King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

25/1/21

I woke ok, I spent some time on the Wii. I made all three meetups. I hope finished a fair draft of my

presentation for the seminar I am doing at the end of February. I got a lot of uni admin done. We have

another crises, Harry has become unwell mentally as a result of having covid, this means that at least for a

time for a time he cannot actively participate in my supervision. This is a result means that I need an extra

supervisor. A pertinent chance to rope in a historian to help with that side of the week although whoever

joins us will have to adapt to the pedicular quirks between myself and Fr A which accommodates m y

learning differences and working in the most effectively for me which is not in the normal. An arrangement

accepted by the tutor for HSS are the previous PGR Director to prevent the relationship completely braking

down.

By the grace of God we will get there and his name will be glorified.

I had an email form the Corona Diaries project that they will continue until April, so I am typing up selective

excerpts from October onwards. This is as I do not have the time to do everything so skipping the quiet

days where I did nothing important seems sensible for me.

I went to work, the church has not yet opened as a vaccination centre as the vaccine is yet to arrive. There

was plenty of post set up cleaning to do though. The extra procedures such as the alarm do not help my

anxiety though.

I had a shower and settled reasonably as I am tired. This is not helped by my left foot hurting as my right

ankle slipped meaning my right leg hit the top of my left foot. My ankle is fine but my foot is bruised. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King my beloved redeemer.

26/1/21

I slept in a bit so watched bible study over lunch. I got bits and pieces done but could not settle. I did the

admin for applying for a bursary for a summer conference, including asking Fr A to provide me with the

reference I needed. He will send a copy which is mildly embarrassing with how positive he is.

I have study skills on Thursday, I emailed N who I have again , mainly so she will know why I have

reappeared as it will not show in registry.

It is all set up now at work, all they lack now is the vaccine. Lots of cleaning to do though, and I spent a

while making shore the tape on the vinyl floor they have put down was stuck down. It is one of those times

that attention detail that I will do.

Tomorrow will be hard, I have a nurses appointment for my implant and then my step-grandmother’s

funeral. Things are coming together or rather apart with my thesis as I took the text apart so it is easier to

work with. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

27/1/21

I woke ok, I had the implant, but the nurse was reluctant as it was a short for the prescribed gap, she

encouraged me to write to my consultant as if they have instructions, they can do it. Also, with the women’s

health specialist has retired my best bet for solution to the HRT problem is my consultant. I have started the

letter and will finish it off over the weekend.

The funeral was hard, though for me I think the travelling was the hardest bit. All non-Orthodox funerals

seem pail and thin after the full-blown bells and smells job of an orthodox funeral infused with the hope of

the resurrection.

I managed myself well enough to not overload but had a nap once we got home to restabilise before

praying.

I have a lot to do over the coming days which starts with writing a thorough plan. my faith is in Christ Jesus

my god and my King, my beloved redeemer and saviour.

28/1/21

I woke ok, first up in the house. I got a little uni work done and study skills. I played quite a bit. I also g ot

some admin done.

The church opened as a vaccination centre today, that meant more cleaning, though most of my time was

taken up by sorting an issue with the bugler alarm which had sulked due to an interruption with the power.

This did however give me a chance to talk with my line manger so he knows what I am doing. We also

discussed other things which has lead to him asking me to send him the information about the seminars I

am involved in on the deaconate and me going onto the on call list for the vaccine if there is any left over at

the end of the day. This is as they do not want me going off sick.

I got to bed a little late and tired. I keep getting hot flushes and not sleeping well, I for the patches are not

strong enough for me and I cannot have anything stronger until I have the op. Well, I shall include it in the

letter to my consultant. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

29/1/21

I overslept a bit and court up on bible study over tea. The meetups went well, I played a little too much as

well.

Supervision with Fr A was productive, we have dealt with the issues in the bibliography which is a start. I

need to spend the next couple of weeks to create checklists and read voraciously. At that point R should be

on the team and we can move on.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I have contacted my finish academic contact, we are currently discussing which bits of the texts she will

look at for me as she has not got time to do it all. The two big analytical chapters are the ones I think she

will be of most hope with. It will really help me to get some field specific feedback.

Work is physically hard as there was a lot to do, to do what is needed in an hour would need a miracle as it

is a lot.

I had a shower and got to bed a bit late. I am really struggling with a spectacular eczema on my chest and

breasts along with menopause symptoms as the HRT is not strong enough for the Job.

In supervision Fr a mentioned my journey though the PHD as been tortuous compared to his other students

who fly through, the nefarious one is probably involved, there is also the fact I am pushing the boundaries

of the field which makes things more challenging as well. But God Willing we will get through and his name

will be clarified. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King my Redeemer and saviour.

30/1/21

I slept in very late as I was very tired. I played a bit and spent a short time on the Wii.

I have arranged with Fr a to come tomorrow to hear my confession and bring me communion, I need it and

hopefully it will give me the strength via grace to fight my unhelpful habits and passions. No virtual service

tomorrow through as Fr Ph is in Lincoln, I see little point in joining him for typica I can say myself in the

company of the saints.

I settled reasonably and for now seem to have the eczema itching under control. My faith is in Christ Jesus

my God and King my Risen Lord.

31/1/21

I woke ok, I said my morning prayer rule and typica. FR A came to hear my confession, it was a considered

confession as I had time to observe myself my tendencies and behaviours, as much sins of omission as

commission. He encouraged me that my struggles are the normal ones to give me hope and noted that the

despondency I have struggle with has receded into the background. I also received communion form his

hand.

I played quite a lot, spent a long-time watching videos online mostly by autistic creators. I also spent quite a

while on the Wii to tire myself physically enough to sleep well. I have nearly finished the letter to my

consultant, I need guidance my GP cannot give. I had a shower and settled reasonably. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my Risen Lord and God.

February 2021

Altered for clarity by the researcher

1/2/21

I overslept a little. I made bible study. I am getting there with the plan of what needs doing, there is a lot but

it is in small bits so I can see I have achieved things which will make it easier. I picked up am email from S

saying I could get the vaccine straight away as technically I am classed as a key medical worker, these

categories are spongy and flexible, but I do not mind. I walked down for 1700 today as shore enough after it

was referred up to the boss (who was the duty vaccinator) I was vaccinated. Just felt like a pinprick as a

needle or pin when sewing. Of course I am on the covid Zoe app as a subsidiary account to mum it was put

in and the app wants to monitor the side effects as part of the wider monitoring of the role out, fine by me

as I can that way put my tuppence worth into the science.

Lots of cleaning tonight as you can tell when things are not done right now. My obsessive attention to detail

, a gift of autism, makes it easy for me to spot whet others miss when I want to.

I finished my letter to my consultant, that will be posted tomorrow with the last six months of record sheets.

I do need his important on the frequently of the implants and the challenging HRT is currently coursing me.

But, it is also in part to make hospital records are up to date with things like Autism and that I have had the

covid vaccine.

My eczema is still a problem, clearly down on my front but erupting on my arms and face. My faith is in

Christ Jesus my God and King who this day appeared in the Temple.

2/2/21

I woke considering, I had a difficult night with noticeable chills the point I was shivering uncontrollably. My

body is reacting to the vaccine, I am just not convinced I want to be along for a ride.

I made bible study, did what I needed to in town, played a lot and made use of the freedom of the feast.

Work went ok and I got what needed done I had a shower and settled reasonably. My left arm still aches

but the other symptoms have abated.

I sent the letter to my consultant today. Wearing the sunflower lanyard definitely makes things easier as

many people offer to help when they see it. I have much to do tomorrow and I need to find the time to go on

the Wii. My faith is in Christ Jesus my King and God who was received in the Arms of the Riotous Simenon.

3/2/21

I slept in as I was tired. I got a little uni work done, watched several videos on You Tube and did the

Ironing. I went to work a little on the late side so got back late I played a bit and settled lateish. I had a lot to

do and can start reading even if I cannot yet do much on my thesis without a full functioning supervision

teem.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

The symptoms from the vaccine has resoled into pain when I move my arm. Well not too bad considering

what the disease is.

My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus who is glorious in his faints.

4/2/21

I slept in a bit, I really did not control my chocolate intake. I made bible study. I got some work done but

also got rather frustrated with the slow pace of uni admin. I had a productive study skills.

Work went ok, quite a lot of work done. I am just glad that as caretaker I can get used to the space as it

means when I had my vaccine and will have made it easier to control my anxiety. I knew what is where , I

know what is behind the walls so it is not an anxiety inducing mystery for me, as it would be for many

autistic people.

I had a shower and settled a little late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and My King my beloved

Redeemer.

5/2/21

I woke okish. I made bible study. I got some work done but struggled with my concentration today.

Workloads seem to be in issue with finding a second supervisor, the uni reduced the number of supervision

slots each lecturer has so it is very difficult to find a replacement if one is needed, such as I need.

Work went ok, but took a while, in part as a result of the call I had from S. the vaccine centre will be open

reduced days next week due to staff fatigue and vaccine supply. This gives me an opportunity to do some

housekeeping and intermittent tasks, as I will only need to clean on two days after the centre is open so I

can clean earlier in the day and a longer stint. It suites me ok I am tired after cleaning 5 days a week for

two weeks so I get that they are.

I got to bed late and tired after staying up playing. Mt faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

6/2/21

I slept in, I changed my bed linins, played a bit, spent nearly 2 hours on the Wii, I got lost on a cycle ride

(good count on calories but though).

I had a shower and settled a little late. I ‘attended’ vespers and will be up for morning services, it is not as

good as being there but better than praying alone for me at any rate.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my god and my King my risen Lord.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

7/2/21

I woke ok, I ‘attended’ matins and liturgy. It is hard not being there and not receiving but better than saying

the services alone.

I played quite a lot including 2 hours on the Wii. I typed up journal, around 10 days’ worth mostly short

entries.

I came to bed early as there was no reason to stay up.

I am hopeful for the future even if at times the survival of society was we know it seems to be in the

balance. I know my beloved Lord will see me through as ever. My faith is in christ Jesus my Risen Lord

God and King my Saviour.

8/2/21

I overslept a little. I played quite a bit. I got a reasonable amount of editing done and planed the new

chapter 2. I also spent a long time looking up texts and at least one of the ancient texts was an omission,

probably because I wrote it in my notes by hand not on the computer only so forgot about it, partly as it is at

the very early end of the era. Some of the secondary texts will be useful and are valuable, others such as

those who’s writers died in 1930 or 1926 are laughably anachronistic, of use for a study of how thought

developed not a current study of history not a current study, my history friends and my sister were laughing

at the idea they could be reliable secondary sources.

It felt weard not going to work today, but that is what I shall be doing tomorrow afternoon for 2 hours. I had

a shower and settled reasonably early. Mt faith is in Christ Jesus my god and my King.

9/2/21

I overslept a bit. I made bible study though. I got a reasonable amount done and played a bit much. I spent

2.5 hours at work but it needed a deep clean, and I certainly got my exercise in doing so.

Fr S’s video was thought provoking as repentance inducing. In replying to a number if messages he has

reiterates, he did a video on the end times pointing out that speculating on the date of the end of the world

depends on our repentance, each and every one of us! All the signs are warning us that the kingdom is

near but the message is as it has always been ‘repent for the Kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ The key

expression of this is to love our neighbour as ourselves not sentimentally but practically.

Praying for the end of the pandemic is all well and good, but if it is within our power we should help, by

where practical staying at home, by having the vaccine where we are eligible, by acting in caring for the

sick or the vaccine role out if it is in our capacity to do so, there are a lot of overlooked jobs on that front. I

may not be able to say the supplication service every week as the bishop has asked us too, but that is often

because I am cleaning a vaccination centre so facilitating the practical root to what we are praying for.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

Cleaning seems such a small part but doing it well is key for the root of the effort to eliminate the virus from

the community. I got to bed late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Risen Lord God and King.

10/2/21

I overslept a little, I must stop lying down while my deodorant dry’s. I got a modest amount of uni work done

and had a productive supervision. I have to fit quite a lot in tomorrow with work and study skills and chores.

I know I am making progress but it is painfully slow.

I got some journal typed up, had a shower, read a bit and got to bed ok. I also squished the supp lication

service to our lady the Theotokos in as well today. My faith is in Christ Jesus my beloved God and King my

Redeemer.

11/2/21

I woke ok a little later than I had intended. I got some uni work done, study skills was productive. I spent 2

hours at work which was lengthened by S (my manager) turning up.

It seems I misremembered and did not take in that I was expected to turn my paper into an article/chapter.

Yet more work, I have had an exchange of emails with the editors of the book, I will send a holding pattern

email tomorrow as it is possible to do if I tweak what I am saying and include direct derivatives. This

providing extra evidence which will need to be explored. I will also need to check the website for a -length

and talk it through with N in study skills and Fr A as it will effect my thesis writing. I will need to ask for 2-3

weeks to sort out adjusting workloads and plan so I can give them an estimate of how long it will take. The

concept is there is just fleshing it out in the full chapter and at least three rounds of proof reading. By the

grace of God it should be doable and I will meet my other commitments but only in grace and Lord’s

stretch.

I did the ironing as well today and went to bed early as I was exhausted. My faith is in my beloved Lord

Christ Jesus my God and King.

12/2/21

I woke ok, I got a reasonable amount done and did the vacuuming. I was struggling with feelings today as

not as productive as I would have liked. My workload is huge but I must let myself sleep at the weakened

especially as Saturdays so I will not burn out.

I trust that my beloved blessed Lord will sustain me to his glory. I had a shower and settled reasonably. My

faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

13/2/21

I slept in late, but needed it. I played a lot, got a little uni work done, spent some time on the Wii and typed

up diary.

I got to bet late and clod. I do not have to get up so early tomorrow as liturgy will be at 10am from Lincoln. I

have got quite a lot to do but need to manage myself to prevent burnout. I hope I get a response from my

consultant, an op date would be ideal but even a reply allowing the implant at 10 week intervals would help.

I trust my lord will provide in the way only he can. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Risen Lord.

14/2/21

I slept in a bit. I ended up saying the typica as the service was not broadcast. FR Ph’s sermon was

interesting and reflection inducing. I played quite a bit, spent 2 hours on the Wii and made soup. I had a

shower, wrote some story and settled a little late. I have a lot to do in the coming week and trust the Lord

will sustain me by his grace. My faith is in Christ Jesus my risen God and King.

15/2/21

I woke ok, I got a lot done, but less than I had intended too academically. They meetups were good. I

played a bit much.

Work went ok, I need to work on my self-control around sweets though especially in the lead up to lent

where I have a tendency to be gluttonous. I got to bed a little late and very tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus

my God and King.

16/2/21

I overslept a bit, I got the some of the African Chapter finished, just 1 more document to do, it did include

moving yet another rewrite but to the West Chapter this time.

I played a little much. I went shopping and spent quite a lot bit should be stocked up until well into lent

hopefully. I also bought for the basics bank including easter treats.

Work went ok but look some time. I had got a bit of admin to do tomorrow and work which I need the got on

with as tasks or meetups. I need to start writing or at least planning the introductory stages of the catechism

classes. I also need to get my journal typed up and write a chapter I have neglected.

I had a phone call from my consultant in response to my letter, positive in both areas I asked about and he

hopes I will be one of the first electives once surgeries restart. He will send a letter conferring the changes

in prescriptions to my GP.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I emailed Fr A which was spawned more Admin but also good news in that he has had his first dose of the

vaccine (I assume as a hospital Chaplin on the end of day use up). I had a shower and settled late. My faith

is in Christ Jesus my beloved Lord God my King.

17/2/21

I overslept as I was tired. I got some thesis work and quite a bit of uni admin done. I watched bible study at

lunchtime and yesterday’s video from fr S over diner.

Work went ok, it is satisfying to get something (in this case the kitchen sink) really clean. I settled ok but

really tired. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus who is glorious in his Apostles.

18/2/21

I overslept a bit. I made bible study ok though, the last one of the week as Fr Ph is busy tomorrow. I got a

reasonable amount done but concentration has been a challenge. I played a good deal too much as well.

Work went ok, not too bad today and they are not in over the weakened. I need to plaque up the corage to

book my second jab appointment for the week of the 19th of April, which I will do tomorrow. I have a lot else

to do as well.

I had a shower and settled reasonably. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

19/2/21

I slept in late as I was exhausted. I got some uni work done and the ironing, a bad case of procrastinating

as well today. Work went ok and triple checked I locked up after forgetting yesterday, thank the Lord that it

was ok though.

I played quite a lot. There is some progress on my second supervisor since the director of PGR’s has finally

started doing something, 10 days or at most 2 weeks and I will loose the SU to get things resolved if I have

too.

I got to bed around my normal time but so tired I ache all over. I must book my second vaccine appointment

tomorrow, once I have had that I will feel safer about going back to church in person. My faith is in Christ

Jesus my Risen Lord God and King my Redeemer.

20/2/21

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I slept in my late as I needed it. I have booked my 2nd Covid jab for the 19th of April, I changed my bed

linins, reed 2 chapters of textbook one of which will be useful for the literacy chapter of my thesis. I also

played a lot, typed up journal and had a shower.

The government targets are more ambitious by the day, they are saying everyone will have been offered

the vaccine by the end of July. Second doses would still be winding down in early October, in time for the

boosters for the most vulnerable at least but it would be no mean feet.

If everyone would need boosters every year the NHS would need the to invest in permanent vaccine

facilities for it. Though they could be used for the rest of the year at a lower level of the year and routine

screenings.

I had an idea to suggest to Fr Al, that we see if it would be possible to hire a church for Holy Week and

Pascha to do the services even if we at that point do not have a home. It is a wild idea but it might be

possible, and come with the benefit that the host church will have put in the Covid control measures

already. It is a long shot but worth a go.

I have seen that the clinical trials in 6-16 year olds so it may well be safe to start vaccinating children which

would also help and could be rolled out through schools as only home schooled children would need

special appointments. The apparatus for in school vaccination exists for secondary age children with the

HPV vaccine and the younger ones with the flu, so not a problem just a little extra planning to do all year

groups above year 1 or 2.

I settled a little late and tired. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

21/2/21

I woke ok, I said morning variables in morning prayer and typica. Fr Ph’s sermon set me thinking and

repenting which I think was the intention. I have emailed Fr A about my plan for lent, as I do not wan t it to

be entirely self-willed since that would defeat the point of repentance and humility.

I typed up some journal but also got distracted by You Tube videos and playing.

I think it will be either for me to get fit by sounding one or two minuets doing stretches and toning exercises

rather than trying to do one big block, especially with work 5 days a week which is not exactly sedentary.

Also when I had problems with bulimia it was through fidgeting and regular stretches I lost weight not

through big high cardio activities. If I cand noch up my activities and keep it there I should shift the kilos and

keep them off. Those I think the walks to the bus or train helped too and walking to work every day does

not replace that. Also it will get me into good habits for post op physio which will be little and often.

I got to bed relatively early for me but as I have a busy week that is not a bad thing. My faith is ion my

Risen Lord Christ Jesus my King.

22/2/21

Altered for clarity by the researcher

I struggled to get up and I had an unsettled night. After I started working I was very productive and finished

the west chapter. I can feel and begin to se the progress which is good.

Meet ups with eh others were Good. Fr a gave his blessings on my plan for Lent but there is still no news

about another Supervisor.

I had a shower, wrote for a bit and settled a little late. I had the plan for reducing restrictions works

smoothly but it relies on people getting the vaccine and being sensible. My faith in Christ Jesus my god and

King.

23/2/21

I woke well, the HRT tablets have done the trick, if I continue until Saturday I should have the system well

enough primed for 2 or3 weeks on the patches. I just hope the letter form my consultant arrives in the next

week or I will have to get the next script of patches, I will not repeat it though as I hope the letter allowing

the change in prescription before that is needed.

Today was very admin heavy but I got some ready for my thesis done. I played quite a bit as well. Work

went ok, quicker than sometimes too. I was so anxious about everything when I got home that I tied up

loose ends for the day, put my shoes back on grabbed an apple and went out for a walk. This gave me the

time and space to recentre myself and the challenge at times of walking on muddy tracks, but in other

places the path was so faint that to concentrate on where it put my feet as I could not see the path. It is

what I needed and I got home much calmer and ready for the challenges for tomorrow.

We can now seem to be approaching of the beginning of the end of the acute stage of Covid 19, yes with

the disease overall we are at the end of the beginning. We must learn to control the virus in our mist and if

it is possible via vaccination to get it to the level of control we have over things like Measles and mumps.

Which are achievable with stable viruses but where were pandemics or epidemics when they first emerged.

Fr S’s video was inspiring although how I emulate my patron we know virtually nothing about or my

favourite British saint Ethelfeda for Romsey who was quite an extreme ascetic and copying is a challenge. I

cannot fast as she did my heath will not allow it, I can only emulate her and St Swithun in almsgiving and

founding/refounding churches.my faith is in Christ Jesus my King and Redeemer.

24/2/21

I woke okish. I typed up a lot of journal, as I could not settle to anything else. The lecture went well, the

worst bit for me was realising my external examiner was there, he came early enough for me to see him

join. My heart sank, he is an expert in the field so not a surprise but challenging for me. I was buoyed by

the presence of one of my fellow PGR’s though and known support helps.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

One o the other speakers could not make it today but we exchanged emails. I may end up conversing with

him on his speciality as it is another Church Order Text. Another positive for the originality of my research

which is good.

The lecture itself went ok, I did not fall over my words too many times and remembered to look at the

camera some of the time. The questions were more challenging but well meant, some were easy to answer

with reference to my thesis, the paper I am giving this summer for EHS or the paper I have submitted for

SCH. From the comments I have some leads for developing the article, some of which came to me later but

useful none the less. Other respects of the conversation are more applicable to my thesis and have been

noted. Probably one of the key as is that I realise di need to investigate the Acts of Thomas as a

background Syriac text as although it has limited direct relevance it is a formative text of the tradition. I think

I need to shift my focus of my EHS presentation towards the Apostolic Constitutions from the Didascalia to

make it more Antiochian or at least linked to one tradition.

A slight issue has arisen in that my external examiner directly offered me support over this paper but also

about my thesis, this is clearly something I cannot accept under academic regulations so I made non-

committal noses on that front.

The very brief comment form P was positive and she will email me in due time. I also have arranged to

meet Fr A next Tuesday for a supervision session. I have a lot to do over the coming days. Work went well.

I have decided to stay on the HRT tablets until Saturday to help keep the levels of oestrogen high enough

to function on the patches for a few weeks. I had a shower and settled a little late despite being tired.

My Faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

25/2/21

I overslept as I was exhausted. I got a little work done, mainly organising a new subsection to the thesis.

Flow is going to be the challenge. I also did the vacuuming.

The talk this afternoon was fascinating and gave me a few heads up for improving my thesis but also an

area to profoundly disagree with my external examiner.

I settled late and tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

26/2/21

I slept in a bit, I got some uni work done mostly preparing for the next step. The talk was interesting but not

as much as the previous one. It was good to catch with the others at 1300 and 1700.

The book launch was good and I think when my thesis is finished and published it will be accepted by this

academic community if not some others. I did a short shift at work after discussing with S I also did my time

sheet. I had a shower, wrote a little and settled late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and king.

Altered for clarity by the researcher

27/2/21

I slept in as I needed it. I played a lot, washed my bras, spent some time on Linkedin and got to bed a bit

late. I received two of the books I had ordered which is good for the next stages of my rewrite, especially

background scholarship.

I have provisionally arranged for Fr A will bring me communion next week, when he is next serves at St

Nicholas’s. now returning to church is on the horizon, I am realising how difficult it will be for me. I need to

be able to see my surroundings and preferably have a wall behind me which makes it challenging in many

churches. Also my need to stim however discreetly if I am not occupies singing or serving can make me

conspicuous.

I hope we find somewhere for Holy Apostles to meet as the community is small enough to accept me as I

am and close ranks to protect me if needed.

Thinking about it though the Autism explains a lot of the issues I had at uni and possibly would have made

me eligible for halls all the way through due to the difficulties I have maintaining relationships and so

creating the right sort of group to live with.

I do not know if I will ever manage to run a household and work, considering when I do the equivalent of a

full week I can barley find the energy to cook. Just pushing through though is not an option, if I do too much

today I will crash tomorrow or the next day. My post unio burn out was extreme but where it really can go if

the recognition of my needs are not accommodated.

I just have this feeling I will more from home to lodging to an embryotic monastic community form which I

can still work but where I can also get the support I need. I know when the time is right the Lord will provide

in his normal way as is best. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

28/2/21

I woke ok, I made much on online matins, I will say the canon in compline, Fr Ph did stream liturgy today. I

do not really remember the sermon apart from it was in part about being authentic to who we were created

to be in relation to God I think.

I played a lot, baked a cake (for the sake of doing it), typed up Journal had a shower and settled a bit late.

I have found a new Autistic You Tube for who are a good watch, I also found a video which looks good and

turned out to be an utter cringe fest, though I did not watch it through.

I have a busy week coming up but hopefully and more relaxed than for a long time as I am learning myself

to relearn how to stim with is trial and error but so freeing, I can mask but it will be a lot less common post

this year. The pandemic for me has had the blessing of giving me the time to destress and relearn to be

myself including all the habits I was constantly told off for but were sell regulating stims I need to function.

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My faith is in my risen Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King, my redeemer and my saviour.

March 2021

1/3/21

I slept in after a difficult night, I did my to do list and read 3 chapters. I played a lot, did some emails, made

some meetups. Booked for a useful looking careers event tomorrow. Went to work which was ok (note to

self, charge MP3 player). I settled late and tired. I noticed my oestrogen levels dropping, the patches are

not as good as the tablets, I am stimming a lot more to manage the fluctuations in my body. I just pray the

letter form my consultant will arrive soon, I do not want to pay for another box of patches if I do not need

too, they have their uses it is that at this time I need the tablets to function. In part the problem is dropping

oestrogen levels leaves me with physical sensations I do not like so I stim a lot to control this which is

exhausting physically.

I got to bed late and tired. Mt faith is in Christ Jesus my God and my King my Risen Saviour and redeemer

my beloved.

2/3/21

I overslept as I was tired. I missed bible study so watched it in the evening. I finished the book I was

reading. Did a little work on the African Chapter. I had a productive meeting with Fr A. the careers session

was not as much use as I had hope it would be.

Work went ok, I had a shower and settled ok. I decided that after far too long the teddy I sleep with needs a

wash (it has been several years) so as a light wash is due to be done in the morning I sat him on top of the

pile. He looks so dejected led on the pile of dirty washing, but he really needs a wash. I will have to make

do with Sarah mouse to cuddle I take away with me for a few days as it always takes time for cuddles to

dry.

Tomorrow will be taxing will be the PGR seminar, but at least with the camera off I can just listen and do

other things so it will not be a wasted day.

We have some sign of movement a new supervisor, as the director of PGR’s is looking at a special

dispensation to allow a supervisor to exceed their (reduced) supervision limit. I noticed that the handbook

makes no mention of the limits have reduced…..Fr a agrees if there is no progress by next week I am

within my rights to get the SU involved if PGR’s have made representations and been informed of and have

been ignored or fobbed off it is time to loose the SU.

I think most lower level students would be appalled if they learnt how the lecturers and more senior

students are being treated, if they knew that masters and PGR’s are considered expendable and not worth

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recruiting as they bring in less money so the overworked lecturers can teach undergraduates but have no

paid time to research. Especially when the capacity exists in the PGR community to teach to reduce the

pressure and increase quality.

We shall see but I see the spectre of industrial disputes especially if they try to cut further as there is

nothing left to cut apart from departments!!! The uni needs to consolidate not expand but invest in what is

hear and the many will come with a crop of undergraduates, but also cheap to run humanities masters’

courses and PHD’s. use of research needs to be sustainable and all eggs should not be in one basket.

There is an over reliance on undergraduates when post grad could bring in more and facilitate capacity

expansion with PGR’s to take up the slack of the current capacity or reduce the reliance on overwork and

frankly inhumane workloads. That is why they were on strike this time last year, the pandemic helped but

some problems remained and have only got worse. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

3/3/21

I slept in late as I was tired. The PGR symposium was interesting listening though was all I did while I was

writing up journal entries. I finished the last 3 months of last year and sent them in. I read through the Act’s

of Thomas and got some admin done.

Work went ok but I still suffer with crippling anxiety about not locking up properly even when I check several

times that I have.

I really want to get an academic job even very part time as I want and need to gain experience in my field, I

do not want to be stuck cleaning loos which is a waste of my skills and abilities.

I got to bed a little late and tired. There is a chance if no more vaccine is delivered tomorrow they will not be

vaccinating giving me the opportunity to do a short shift.

My faith is in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

4/3/21

I overslept a bit but made bible study. I got a reasonable amount done and sturdy skills was productive.

Researching the Testament of our Lord was interesting, I am not convinced by the arguments for the

Cappadocian heritage as it does not fit the other texts of the 4th Century from the region. There are close

ties to other texts which are of Syrian texts but not Cappadocian, there is also the problem of Cappadocia

not having a seashore and the church arguments described being very like those in Syria.

Work went ok, it took a while longer than planned as my manager S the church warden turned up. We

discussed various things. I noticed when he told me about an event, I responded with a story of my own

which is a very autistic way of expressing empathy. I have always done it and it is natural to me and I have

also always stimmed as a way of self-expression.

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I had a shower and settled a bit late, I have a lot to do tomorrow and need to go into town to get my

prescription, I have had no chance before this week as I have been too busy.

Lent is coming all to fast, it will be hard but also it will be an opportunity to grow further in repentance and

humility. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King and beloved Redeemer.

5/3/21

I slept in again. I only got a little research done today, refuting, or at least challenging my examiner could

be interesting but there are a few fundamental flaws in his arguments which the text itself shows.

I played a lot, went into town to get my prescription, and forgot half the stuff I was meant to get in the

supermarket. Work went ok but my anxiety gets out a hand at times when I have locked up and confirm ed it

but I spend 3 hours worrying, which is silly but the vaccine is precious.

Fr A emailed to say he liked my ‘compromise’ solution to placing the difficult text and that a well-reasoned

dissection should counting my favour. The search for a new supervisor goes on, it now includes Fr A, the

director of PGR’s and the Deen of HSS and soon the head of the History department. As many different

players as a big international trade agreement.

I got to bed very late and tired. I have been all over the place in myself as the dropping hormone levels are

a problem. No amount of stimming is helping me control the feeling it produces, stimming even enough to

keep it under control leaves me exhausted physically. I am not even trying to mask as I just do not have the

spare resources.

Lent is coming all too quickly but we shall see, all things happen in the Lord’s good time. My faith is in

Christ Jesus my God and my King.

6/3/21

I slept in late. I played a lot, watched a lot of You Tube videos, exchanged emails with Fr A, who will bring

me communion tomorrow morning. I want to get back to church, and suspect the church bit will

not be the problem, it depends and Fr will support me. Transport however will be, it is difficult considering

as they are still discouraging everything but essential use of public transport and I do not have access t o

my student discounts which will make it financially harder for me as well. Fr is willing to do Sarum when I

am which would be easier on me it is just a transport thing there as it is a long train journey.

I joined a readers Vespers online. I will be saying prep myself tonight and, in the morning, but join matins

while waiting for Fr. I had a shower, changed my bedlinen and settled rathe relate.

My faith is in Christ Jesus my Risen Lord and God my Beloved.

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7/3/21

I woke ok, I said prayers attended matins and liturgy online. FR a brought me communion which was

wonderful, I miss going to church, but it definitely helps that I have still been able to receive semiregularly.

Things are moving with the 12 Apostles parish and God willing we will start serving soon, which will be

good.

I have a lot to do tomorrow but hopefully with God’s help I will get there, tomorrow is article work then back

to the Thesis on Tuesday. I settled reasonably and a bit tired. My faith is in Christ Jesus my Risen King.

8/3/21

I overslept a little. I got about 600 words done and a lot of skim reading done. My Finish contact has sent

her comments on 2 parts of my text back, but her overall impression is positive which is a boost for me. I

made 2 of the 3 meetups with the others. Work was quick as they were not in today so I could get some

deeper cleaning done and still spend less time than normal. I had a shower, wrote the lesson plan for the

first set of catechism lessons. Typed up journal and got to bed a bit late. My faith is in Christ Jesus my

beloved God and King my Saviour and redeemer.

9/3/21

I overslept again so caught up with bible study at tea time. I got a reasonable amount done, I would have

written more if I had not disappeared down research rabbit holes. Work went ok, not too bad length wise, it

is a bit of a chore working every evening but it is for a good course.

I stayed up a bit late watching videos. I need to call the GP surgery tomorrow to find out if the letter has

arrived, and if it has to get a telephone appointment to get the new prescription. I settled late and tired.my

faith is in Christ Jesus my god and king.

10/3/21

I slept in as I struggled to get going this morning. I did some uni work but concentration was shot, I just

could not get enthusiastic about the work. I watched quite a few videos, played too much and was just very

ill disciplined with myself. Work went ok if a little on the long side.

I have decided to get myself a weighted blanket, after some hunting I found a uk based craft maker who

does ones which are not boring for around a 1/3 of the price of the commercially available ones, so it is

affordable. I may also get a slightly more professional looking lap weight, which means I could take with me

when travelling or at work.

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I phoned the GP surgery, the letter from my consultant has not arrived so I have arranged scan it in to

email it in (which saves a trip out and the horrors of the visor). In the email I will ask for what I want

prescription wise as well if the GP is willing to do it without speaking to me.

I had a shower and settled a little late. I have a lot of admin to do tomorrow and some of the chores, I might

also got some work done. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King.

11/3/21

I slept in again, I slept a little better for the wheat bag so ordered a weighted blanket, only around 5% of my

body weight not the recommended 10% but that is the max weight for the size I have ordered, it should still

work and is more affordable for me. I also ordered a lap weight in slightly more professional colours which

will be good for conferences or work as well as at home.

I got a little done and did some translation which is going the make some aspect’s of interpreting in relation

to church order texts. Study skills was good. I played rather too much. I got to bed late and tired.

Work was ok but I am suffering crippling anxiety after each time that I have not locked up properly despite

repeated checking. This has messed up my sleep. My faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King my Beloved

Redeemer.

12/3/21

I slept in as I was tired and not myself. I did the vacuuming, mad ethe lunch meet up which was interesting

to put it mildly. I think it was providential that I could not attend the meeting last night with the director of

PGR’s. I would either have lost my temper, logged out in disgust or both and if I did a meltdown would have

probably been in the offing.

I could listen to the others and suggest sensible non-emotional ways forward. I noticed this afternoon PGR

admin sent out all the info related to the meeting with nothing else said. The PGR director is keeping a low

profile.

I did the admin I need to taking my consultant letter to the GP, I had a text late afternoon to say my

prescription was ready to collect, that is efficient. I also did some shopping.

Work was hard work but will get worse next week as they ramp up the vaccinations by a factor of 4! It

needs to be above 500 people a day vaccinated, this is going to tramp in a lot of dirt and probably a lot of

domestic rubbish.

I had a shower and settled readily for me. Lots of chores tomorrow and the Parish EGM to found the parish.

My faith is in my eternal Lord Christ Jesus my God and King.

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13/3/21

I slept in a bit. I washed the bras, played too much and typed up journal. I got to bed very late. The Parish

EGM went ok, Fr Al did comment on my professional headset, a side effect of how much time I spend in

video calls. The only downside is it looks like it will be our feast (30th of June) before we get services going.

I think I need to talk to Fr A about when we do Salisbury, I would like to do Pascha eve as I do not think I

will have the confidence to do the night service at St Nicholas’ it would be too busy and even if St Siouan’s

do it I suspect it would be fully booked. We might also try to do a service earlier in lent as well if Fr is willing

and sarum collage will let us. I will email him tomorrow. Academia.edu has messaged me with anew paper

from one of the people whose research I have ripped to shreds in my thesis, his MTh thesis is not

published as a book for as he put is “since no one is dealing with this I will publish.” I mean really, that he

thinks no one is publishing means that no one is saying what he wants to hear, ‘they are not writing the

history I want to hear I will.’ This is an invite for less ethical historians to get viscous in an academic way.

The rebuttal is simple; target 1 methodology, target 2 sources used, target 3 (if needed) linguistics and

original languages (translations are at time unreliable). Theses three tools will prove or disprove a

hypothesis in history, if a paper cannot show these it should not be published if it does was can have a

proper discussion in academia, like I had with my liminality paper. Unfortunately this latest offering is likely

to end up just so much recycling, but I did also get an idea for my blog post if I need to write one for EHS,

‘How not to do Church History!” a users guide to the pitfalls of writing Church history. It would be relaxed

but also deal with the real issue with poor methods which plagues some parts of the field especially

ecclesiology.

I got to bed late and a bit tired. I hope the GP has sent the correct prescription to the Pharmacy, I will find

out on Monday. I want to go back to church in person but I do not know how I will cope with travelling or

crowds. I really need to get the autism paperwork sorted out. my faith is in Christ Jesus my God and King

my Risen Lord and Redmer.

14/3/21

I woke ok watched matins and said typica. I also made forgiveness vespers. I played a lot, spent some time

typing up journal and watched a lot of videos online. I had a shower, worked on the catechism classes and

settled later than intended. I have a busy week also hope the prescription I need to collect tomorrow is the

tablets as I function so much better on them. My faith is ever merciful Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus

my King.

15/3/21

I was slothful about getting up, I did quite a bit of skim reading which I to do to get through the background

sources I need. I went into town to get my prescription, 3 months of tablet HRT. Work went ok, faster than

sometimes as I was full of energy. The lunch meetup was a little manic, the group catchup about the

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current situation, the complaint about the conduct of the director of PGD’s is coming together. I am also still

battling to get a second supervisor.

I had a lot to do but will work on my article tomorrow. Lenten prayer is hard and I keep finding my eyes

sliding diagonally across that but the day goes so much better.

Subject o conformation we are having services as the parish of St John the Baptist in Salisbury on Lazarus

Saturday and bright Monday, which will be good for my confidence but also just good to get back to Church

in person as it should be. My faith is in Christ Jesus my ever merciful Lord God and Saviour.

16/3/21

I slept in as I was tired. Lots of admin today, I also got 6-700 words written on my chapter which is coming

together. My half joke about international diplomacy for a supervisor is turning out to be rather true, it looks

like we will have to go outside the uni at least. I have furnished Fr A with the mane of 2 scholars at other

UK universities when I would not be against working with if that does a blank it will be look up the

conference lists and start asking, I might email first to test the waters, at that stage Europe would be better

than Australia due to time zones.

I got to work ok and got everything done. I had a shower and settled slightly later than intended due to

starting compline unfortunately late. My faith is in my merciful Lord Christ Jesus my King.

17/3/21

I slept in very late as I was exhausted. I finished an ital draft of my chapter/article so that I can start looking

though it wit N tomorrow. I have also got a workshop on publishing tomorrow, which I will have in the

dining room as mum also has a meeting.

The search for a second supervisor as now gone national, as no one in the unio can do it, we shall see I

have a few international options up my sleeve if needed. I hope we can find a UK academic through it

would be easier. Work went ok, I shall struggle to keep my anxiety in when locking up. I also really do not

like the warning bleep of the burglar alarm, If I am close to overload it would be too much.

I found a good blog today about being orthodox and autistic, some of the stuff was really helpful. I wounder

if we will end up with a monastic community in the UK full of autistic orthodox monastics, that could be

interesting but would also probably function just fine in it’s own way, just not how most people would

expect.

I still have lodes to do by the grace of God a start has been made academically and to great lent. My faith is

in Christ Jesus my God and King.

18/3/21

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I did not struggle as much to get up as I set my alarm later and subsequently slept closer to the amount I

need, the HRT is also kicking in. I got a reasonable I slept in la amount of editing on my chapter dome with

Niki and subsequently. I also got the 2nd chapter back for P, only a few comments some of which are easy

to implement of which some will be covered in reworking parts of the section. I also finally got around to

emailing P back.

I played quite a bit. I noticed I am getting quicker as work as I have more energy. I do not know how long it

will last.

I think the change in HRT may be why I am sleeping better so have more energy to use and therefore have

a small amount of energy left at the end of the day to eat into the underlying exhaustion as well as getting

more done. My faith is my beloved Lord Christ Jesus my God and my King.

19/3/21

I struggled to get up, I was just out of spoons and I am struggling to meet my sensory needs. I did get

myself a small cuddly unicorn when I was in my town, its diminutive size is useful and has provide some

relief for my sensory needs. no uni work got done today though I did collect my prescription and did some

shopping. I also did all the cores and spent just over an hour at work.

I got to bed late for my target of starting compline by midnight and very tired. I also feel guilty for not having

the strength to say Akathist to the Mother God but tonight my normal prayer rule is a challenge let alone

anything else. My faith is in my ever-merciful Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King and Redeemer.

20/3/21

I slept in really late today, I struggled to pray. I played a lot, typed up 9 days of journal, watched a lot of

videos online. Changed my bed linins, had a shower and settled ok but not as well as I would have liked. I

fille din my bits of the census online, quick, easy and duty done.

I really miss going to church in person, it is the Sunday of Orthodoxy, one of my favourites, yet again I will

be praying alone at home. In the UK the virus is receding, over 50% of the population has had the first dose

of the vaccine and case numbers are falling. There is still a way to go but it is positive. The problem for me

relating to church is that I have lost my confidence travelling and I am frightened about how to handle other

people tacking issue with the fact I cannot wear a mask.

I must contact Autism Hampshire this week for the resources they have which would be a start. I also need

to get the mask exempt cards for Bluestar and stagecoach (if they do one) so that when I start going on the

buses again I have them. Admin I have been putting off.

My new toy ahs been a real hep with stimming though which is good. I really hope the 12 apostle’s parish

will find a home soon, and we can start worshiping together. My faith is in my Risen Lord Christ Jesus my

God and King.

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21/3/21

I woke ok, I watched most of matins until the live stream died, I said typica for lack of the streamed service.

Fr Ph’s sermon was reflection inducing along the line of how we react to all people as icons of God.

I watched a lot of videos’, played a bit, type dup over a month of journal entries including some very long

rambling ones. I made soup and completely missed me intended retiring and compline time. We we will try

again tomorrow, falling and repenting can bring as much humility as success in obedience, and humility is

in the end the virtue we aim for.

It is going to be a long hard week, but I trust my beloved will sustain me. My faith is in my Risen Lord and

King.

22/3/21

I slept in a little late as I was tired. I struggled to settle to work this morning. I did however read through the

chapter this afternoon, attended 2 of the meet ups and did a little admin.

Work was hard, I got down before they left as spent over an hour and a half cleaning as there was so much

to do despite S doing a full clean yesterday. That is the effect of being open for 12 hours. I had a shower,

settled a little late and tired. I have a considerable amount of admin to do tomorrow and need to get on with

my thesis. My faith is in my ever-merciful Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

23/3/21

I struggled to get up as I was tired and in part as I did not get up when I woke spontaneously. I got some

admin done and an initial draft of the whole of Ch2, in 4 hours, which is impressive, admittedly much was

reworking existing text, but it is a chapter now and I can work on editing.

Work went ok, only an hour and a half but more than long enough. It is hard work but I take pleasure in

knowing it keeps the vaccine centre open and working. It is what I can do for the effort, so I do. My faith is

in my beloved Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus my King.

24/3/21

I struggled to get up. I am physically so tied and had slept badly. I got quite a lot of work done though, I

have started chapter 6 formatting it and adapting some existing text. I have also collated the meta data

about my sources on which order are mentioned and in what type of text, lots of graphs but useful to

compare and collate source types but once I have made them also the frequency of order type in regions,

lot s of useful wizardry on excel spreadsheets to do the maths.

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Lots of admin in the day and a long shift at work as I want to keep the workload down for S since I am on

leave tomorrow. I need the chance of an early night.

I am doing less work than normal tomorrow with the feast as I plan to go shopping, I do have study skills

but that and uni admin will be it. I will do a little in the garden and probably type up journal.

I had a shower and settled late, very much late for my Lenten discipline. My faith is in my merciful Lord who

is this day incarnate of the Virgin Mary.

25/3/21

The Annunciation to the Blessed Virgin Mary of the incarnation of Our Lord God and Saviour Christ Jesus.

I slept in a bit. I had study skills and did a little admin. I went shopping and bought far too many easter

eggs, though I am selling a few to my little sister who is not going out.

I played a lot, attended a very interesting Romsey Local History Society talk and got to bed a bit late.

I needed the day off today, I could not have faced work after the talk. I am literally on my last dregs of

energy, enough to say compline and sleep, and that is with doing less taxing things today. My faith is in my

incarnate Lord God and King my beloved Redeemer.

I chose to finish my entries on the feast of the Annunciation as theologically the fest marks the beginning of

the triumph of light over darkness and so for me indicates the hope that the worst is now over.