Corona Diaries

Dean

“I like living my life this way. As in, having a routine. I enjoy it. I enjoy the discipline, I enjoy the challenge, I

enjoy getting better every day, I enjoy working on what I love every day.”

Background information

Male, aged 25-34, a recruitment consultant from Hertfordshire. White, Single, had recently left a

toxic relationship at the beginning of the first lockdown.

April 2020

Monday 13th April, 2020

Why not be a leader during this time?

Literally, why not?

Why not take the mantle?

People aren’t chosen for leadership; they take it. There’s no democracy here.

Be the positive one. Be the one who creates while others only consume. Don’t let people suppress your

spirit. They mean well, I’m sure, but they’re scared. They don’t know. Neither do you, but you’ve worked to

be ok with that.

I will not let them crush my life force any longer.

Think of your writing, of lockdown ledger as your responsibility. Something you like to do, yes, but also

something you must do. You have the capacity to help - so help.

Tuesday 14th April

Cut out a relationship from my life that was probably overdue to be cut out. I guess lockdown will do that to

you.

Reflection has been a common theme with the people I’ve spoken with. It’s a shame it’s come under these

circumstances, but it’s the perfect time to reflect.

Definitely had a few days where I was feeling off. Not through illness, but through lack of motivation, feeling

“meh,” couldn’t be bothered to do stuff - not even the stuff that’s good for me. Then I realised that I wasn’t

happy and needed to go back to my routines and having something to work for, something to do. Got back

into my morning routine and exercise routine, ate better, had more conversations with friends, wrote more,

read more.

Wednesday 15th April

So, I finally stopped speaking to Bethan. After about a year of knowing her. Just over, maybe.

How do things get to where they are? It’s so funny.

She booked that reg in for me, then I invited her to lunch, and then things went from there. I do remember

not even being particularly fond of her at that lunch though. I definitely remember that. But she gave me a

lot of attention and kept emailing me and texting me and I liked that a lot.

That’s probably what she did with Dave. And James. And Armann, maybe. Who knows. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that it was a toxic relationship that didn’t work out. It didn’t work out about 1,000 times, but

we kept at it because... for our own reasons I suppose.

I don’t get the feeling she respected me. It was the same way with Jessica and with Kylie. They just treated

me however they wanted and expected - knew - I’d be there for them.

It was me that didn’t respect myself, ultimately. I didn’t set any boundaries. I let myself be treated like shit

and justified it because she was going through a hard time or that it was actually sensible to consider these

questions before wanting a relationship with someone, etc etc.

I was a nice guy. I was an enmesher. I made her the centre of my life and wanted her to do the same. I

bought her stuff, I tolerated bad moods and rage attacks and her giving me a little bit of attention when it

was convenient for her and flirting with other people right in front of me.

Thursday 16th April

Went for a run for the first time ever today.

It was hard. But really good.

To be clear, I’ve exercised in many other ways for most of my life, so I’m not unfit per se. Up until about a

month or so ago I was working out at least 3x per week - basketball, spin class, some weights. But never

before had I just said to myself, I’m going to go for a run.

There’s something kind of primal about it. Like, it’s just you and the path. No equipment, no nothing. Just

you.

I think that’s why I enjoyed it. It was hard, but a worthwhile hard, unlike forcing an awful relationship, which

is hard and certainly not worthwhile.

I ran 2.32km before I had to walk for 5 or so minutes. Then I ran another 2km or so home. Not bad for a

first time run, I think.

Friday 17th April

Worked out again today. Felt good.

Routine is definitely the way forward right now. I was in a really good routine before this all started and then

I got ill - seemingly with covid-19 - and I had to rest for a while. All in all, I was out of my exercise and

workout routine for about 6 weeks or so.

One thing I’m not doing as consistently as I’d like is writing. Other things are scheduled in my diary -

meditation, reading, exercise - and yet this isn’t. Why is that? Am I scared of it? Perhaps. Well, I will no

longer be scared of it. I will tackle it head on. I know people are seeing this lockdown as some sort of

punishment, some sort of excuse to do fuck all, but I will not do that. I will not be the same. I will use this as

a platform, an elevator, a long, winding, brutal, freedom-promising staircase.

But it’s gotta start now. There’s no waiting around. Not any longer. I’m tired of it. It doesn’t satisfy me in any

way to play below my potential.

Saturday 18th April

Went for my 2nd run today. I’m using the couch to 5k app but starting at about week 5. It feels good. I’m

definitely enjoying it in way I didn’t quite think I would. I like the challenge, I suppose.

Sunday 19th April

Let my mum cut my hair this morning.

In fairness, she was a hairdresser for many years (many years ago) and cut my hair for many years while I

lived at home.

She did a great job. Very happy.

I was tempted to lay in this morning but I honestly do just feel better when I’m at fairly early -7am at the

moment - and then getting into my morning routine.

I often think of the Marcus Aurelius quote:

“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human

being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into

the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?”

So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants,

the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as

best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what

your nature demands?

You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you.”

Monday 20th April

Ran again today. Ran further than I did before. It felt really good. I’m pleasantly surprised at how much I’m

enjoying it.

It doesn’t come natural to me to want to run (fairly) long distances. I didn’t like running at school, I didn’t like

cross-country, I would’ve picked to run a 50m sprint over 1500m every single time without hesitation.

Now, I’m not so sure.

---

Just sent out the first edition of The Lockdown Ledger.

Tuesday 21st April

Worked out pretty hard today. Push ups, dips, plank. Did a lot of them.

Watched a lot of YouTube. Stuff about business, entrepreneurship, freelancing.

Spent quite a bit of time with my parents. That was nice.

Definitely had a more lazy day than yesterday. More relaxed, let’s call it.

Had a good chat with Gem and Den. Good to speak to both of them.

Also, didn’t really speak about this yesterday but yeah, I sent out the first edition of The Lockdown Ledger.

I’m really happy about that. This could be a really cool thing, and I hope it is. And hopefully my writing goes

down as well as the other stuff.

It’s a cool step to take. I bought the website, set up the email marketing, curated the content, and boom.

Done.

Wednesday 22nd April

Today wasn’t massively productive.

I suppose I did start writing a good post, meditated this morning, read, went for a run.

But I’m feeling unproductive. Maybe because I put a schedule together and haven’t been following it.

Productively is less about how much you do and more about how much you said you would do and then did

or didn’t do.

I think, from tomorrow, something has to change. Like when I got myself back into my nice morning routine.

I think I just need to add to that. Do what I’m doing and then add breakfast, writing, running / working out.

Thursday 23rd April

Today has been more productive.

Almost finished one post and I’m writing another.

That’s great.

Didn’t exercise today because I’m feeling ever so slightly breathless. I think I’ve hurt my back from sitting or

laying strangely. I don’t think it’s the virus because it’s likely I’ve already had it with the symptoms I had

before. Still slightly concerning though.

---

Sent the second edition of The Lockdown Ledger out. Feels good. First piece of my writing that I’ve shared

throughout this.

Friday 24th April

Went for a run today. Ran for 20 minutes, the longest I’ve run uninterrupted since I started running. Which,

in fairness, was like a couple of weeks ago and now 5 runs ago.

It’s funny, the days do feel kind of all the same. But I don’t really mind it too much. It’s a chance to edit my

routine, to improve it, to change it.

At the moment, it goes like this:

7am - wake up

7:10am – shower

7:25am – meditate

7:40am – read

8am - breakfast / chat to parents

9am – write

11am – run

11:45am – shower

12pm – chill

1pm - lunch I’m pretty happy with that.

It’s quite productive. 2 hours of writing is pretty decent, as is running or working out 6x per week. As is

meditating. As is reading. As is chilling, done in moderation.

I think that’s what I’ve found most interesting about this time. We’ve gone from one end of the spectrum to

the other. The pendulum has swung the other way.

We’ve gone from having to commute, working all day, maybe going to the gym, maybe having a few drinks,

coming home, cooking dinner, chilling, sleeping, to a much, much slimmed down version of that. We just

have more time, like it or not. So, now instead of worrying we don't have enough time, we’re worried we

have too much. Instead of getting stressed, people are getting bored. Instead of anxiety, a general malaise.

Finding balance in this time is different than trying to find it before.

Saturday 25th April

Today was a great day.

Spoke to some family on skype with my parents. It was really nice. An overdue catch up.

I ran (again and further than before), I wrote, I read (as per), I meditated (as per)I spent great time with my

parents, I stood up for myself, I spoke to some cool women.

Sunday 26th April

Another really good day.

Had a lovely chat to Lisa. She seems cool. Perhaps not my normal type but perhaps that’s a good thing. I

like talking to her and she seems like a good listener. Good values. Wants marriage, kids, all that. Maybe

don’t fuck that up, aye?

Today wasn’t productive in terms of writing. I read a lot though. Like, 200 pages. Though I still think I’d feel

better if I did schedule my writing every day for 9am, like I had been doing.

Also felt like I could’ve gone for a run today but Sunday is rest day and so I went for a walk instead. Walked

for about 40 minutes, burned a couple hundred calories. And more importantly, the walk was really nice.

Slow. Relaxing.

I think I need to make not just writing but freelance writing a priority. Clients aren’t gonna come out of

nowhere. I have to get them.

Started doing some ‘proper’ writing in bed at about 10pm. Wrote the start of an article / story. Didn’t take

me long at all. There’s a lesson there.

Monday 27th April

Just watched the 3rd and 4th episodes of the Last Dance.

It’s too good. It’s unbelievably good. I can’t get enough of it.

MJ was a leader. Maybe not always in the absolute best way, but he was. He demanded more from his

teammates. He held them accountable. He challenged them - sometimes relentlessly.

Phil Jackson was too. The way he was able to handle all their different personalities - MJ, Pippen, even

Rodman. He managed it all so deftly, it seems, and it resulted in 6 championships. Amazing.

Also, I ran further today than I had done before. A lot further. About 800m further, give or take. That’s two

laps of the track. That’s a lot. Now, that’s my new standard. It has to be. And that was on only 18 minutes of

running, too. I’ll be doing 30 minutes in the next few weeks. 25 later this week too. Gonna be very

interesting to see how I progress.

Tuesday 28th April

I like living my life this way.

As in, having a routine. I enjoy it. I enjoy the discipline, I enjoy the challenge, I enjoy getting better every

day, I enjoy working on what I love every day.

Maybe the results don’t matter. At least, not as much as I thought they did. When my university basketball

team won the league, it felt good, but it also felt hollow. I wish it didn’t, but it did. Because I knew I hadn’t

worked as hard as I could’ve. I skipped the 8am training sessions because I said that’s when I had to see

my dissertation adviser. That was a lie. I just didn’t want to get up that early.

But other times, when I have put in the work - whether it was my book, a placement at work, a sale I made,

a client I’d gotten - it felt good. It felt like an achievement. It felt like I deserved it. Like I’d earned it.

Today is the first day in ages it’s rained all day. It’s felt weird not to get outside for a workout or for a walk.

Wednesday 29th April

Did a good run today. It was hard. But I ran further than I have done before. I’m getting close to running 5k

in under 30 minutes, even though I haven’t been running for even 2 full weeks yet. I’m pleased with that.

Still got some love handles. Don’t love that. But I suppose there are worse things. I’ve been eating ok -

staying away from things like cookies, biscuits, cakes, baked goods, fizzy drinks, etc- but I suppose I’ve

been eating a fair bit of bread, having some drinks here and there. It’s cool.

Today has been pretty productive. I’ve done a lot of writing. I’ve submitted posts to Thrive and to the Uni. I

ran, I read. So yeah, it’s been good.

I’m talking to this girl on Hinge. She seems really cool. We’re having our ‘second date’ on Friday. Should be

fun.

Thursday 30th April

Went for a run this morning. A light one. Still quite tough, I guess, but apparently you need to do slower

runs to get to faster runs. So, I’m taking that advice.

Injured my back / shoulder again (doing press-ups). Well, not injured it, but re-aggravated it. It’s ok though,

it’ll pass. Pain is temporary. Plus, I’m reading a book called The Obstacle Is The Way and I claim to love

spirituality, to want to transcend my personal self, and this is helping me do that. So I should be grateful,

actually. I can’t even breathe properly so it’s making me realise I shouldn’t even be taking that for granted,

something as simple and effortless and omnipresent as breathing.

I’ve been doing lots of reflecting - both actively and during rest and sleep times - and I think I know what

direction I’d like to go in.

I’d like to become an author - probably in the vein of Malcolm Gladwell, Ryan Holiday, Mickey Singer.

I really think I could help people.

May 2020

Friday 1st May

My mum and dad said the article I sent out last night was really good. It was all about the current situation

we’re in and how we can deal with it in the best way. Lisa also gave some nice feedback.

I quite like Lisa. She’s smart and funny and thoughtful. A little hesitant on the compliments, maybe hesitant

on being too honest too early? That’s fair. I’d like to see her again though, I think. Well, no, I would. It’s a

shame we can't go on a real date but it is what it is. Might make any potential romantic relationship I have

with anyone that much more deeper, that much more foundational.

Saturday 2nd May

Had a nice chat with Tricia.

I don’t think it’ll go anywhere, but it was nice to chat.

Ran for 25 minutes straight today. My longest ever. Almost ran 5k as well so that was great. I’m quite proud

of myself. The 16 year old, 18 year old, even the 25 year old in me would be shocked I’m running - which is

why I’m proud.

Sunday 3rd May

Had a very lazy day today. Or relaxed, should I say.

Had a headache for most of the day and I’m worried it was a small migraine from yesterday. Or maybe it

was something else. Who knows. Either way, it passed, as all things do. Something interesting happened

today. I bought some chocolate and cookies to eat while I watched tv. I haven’t had anything like that in a

while, so I went for a walk to the shops and got myself something. It felt like a good decision.

Then, my mum’s friend dropped some cakes around for us. Some treats. They look - and are -delicious.

Actually, the full story is that even as I thought I wanted some cakes and treats - not said, but thought -

mum told me that her friend, Julie, was going to be dropping some treats to us.

The universe provides, I suppose. That’s the lesson here.

This whole situation has also given me a change to spend time with my parents and to see some of their

qualities.

They both have strong work ethic and strong consciences. They both care deeply about what other people

think of them, albeit it in different ways. They both want to do a great job. They both show love in different

ways; mum through support and affirmation and excitement: dad through improving upon an idea,

sometimes with a quick and sometimes awkward “well done.”

They both recoil at setting boundaries. They find it difficult to accept their emotions. They worry about

almost anything and nearly everything. They’re afraid to ask for what they want. They respect authority to

the point they will never challenge it.

I have inherited many of these traits. The boundaries one, in particular. I’ve let people push me around -

mostly in romantic and business relationships - and now I know that’s exactly what they did and what they

do. It’s interesting to see in action. I can see why people have taken advantage of me, or, perhaps more

accurately, why I’ve let people take advantage of me.

Monday 4th May

The Last Dance documentary is very, very good.

I do need to move out of recruitment. It’s no longer in line with what I want to do. It makes no sense to

continue it long term.

If I want to be an author, a writer, recruitment serves no purpose. Tangentially, sure. Because money and

networking and blah blah blah. But not really, not truly.

I do enjoy talking to Lisa. She’s cool. She’s the kind of person I think I’d want to spend time with not just in

a sexual capacity, though that’s certainly part of it. I think this is a good thing.

Routine really is key for me. I haven’t been in my routine the last couple of days and it has felt...off. I’ve not

been anywhere near as productive as I could’ve been.

Dedication is hard. I suppose it should be hard. Nobody has ever said dedication is easy or should be easy.

Tuesday 5th May

Today was a wonderful day. I read a whole book, Sacred Hoops. I wrote a fair amount. I hung out with my

parents, I spoke to Malcolm, I messaged Lisa.

And honestly, I was just present. I wasn’t rushing about. I realised how much I’d been rushing; or, perhaps

more accurately, how I’d been wanting to rush my experiences to get to the end so I could be done with

that and do the next thing instead of just enjoying the moment.

I certainly seem to be happiest when engaging in the present moment. Why is that? I think because the

mind seems to shut off in the present moment. There’s no need for it because you’re engaging in the

present moment instead of thinking about engaging with the present moment, instead of thinking about

what it might mean if you mess up. And, in that way, you move from moment to moment and simply interact

with it instead of bringing your personal shit -the mind - to the moment and projecting something onto it that

likely isn’t true.

Well, then.

Wednesday 6th May

Just finished reading The Alchemist. Wow. What an amazing book. There are so many lessons in there. So

much better than the first time I read it.

That’s the standard I want my books to be. That I want all my writing to be. That’s what I want to aim for.

One of the more underrated lessons in the book is that you have to actually complete your Personal

Legend for all the lessons along the way to make sense. As in, don’t get complacent. Don’t think you’re

there when you’re not. It’s like running 26 miles for a marathon and thinking, I get it. I’ll stop now. No,

there’s still 0.2 miles to go. Finish, or you’ll deprive yourself of the joy of finishing, and you’ll also deprive

yourself of the lessons you’ve learned being embedded at a deeper level.

Another lesson was that true love wants you to fulfil your Personal Legend. It doesn’t hold you back, it

doesn’t make you feel guilty for pursuing it; true love means wanting your man or woman to pursue their

dreams. Anything else isn’t true love.

Thursday 7th May

Writing has been a little harder this morning, but that’s ok.

Mastery is about making progress, moving forwards, no matter what. There are no caveats to that like,

“unless I can’t really be bothered” or “unless it’s a bit harder today” or “unless there’s a global pandemic.”

I think I’ll finish another book today - The Old Man And The Sea. I’ve read it before but it’s a great book and

it’s been a while so I’m reading it again.

Was great to chat to my friend, Dan, last night. We’ve now been able to meet up in LA, Dallas, and London.

That’s pretty cool.

Friday 8th May

Had a nice chat with Lisa again.

That was our 3rd ‘date.’ It would be quite the story if I met someone during lockdown.

Also went for a hard run - 25 minutes in the sun. I ran 4.44km. I really want to be able to do 5kin 25

minutes. That’s my goal.

Saturday 9th May

I do keep a personal journal aside from this, so I don’t necessarily want this to become something personal.

I suppose it might be interesting for people to read and study 50 years from now even if it were just my

personal thoughts, but still. Perhaps I can contribute more than that.

The truth is, I’ve been fine during this lockdown. More than fine, actually. I’ve found serenity in many, many

moments. I’d go so far as to say I’ve been happy during this lockdown, smack bang in the middle of a

global pandemic.

I’ve started writing again after not writing for a couple of years. I’ve taken up running and enjoy the

challenge of it. I’ve stuck to a morning routine of waking up at 7am, showering, meditating, and reading. I’ve

caught up with friends I haven’t spoken to in months. All of this has helped to keep me centred and happy.

I suppose there are two beliefs behind this:

1) We have total control of what goes on inside and zero control over what goes on outside.

2) Our suffering changes nothing. All that happens is - you guessed it - we suffer. So we might as well

be happy, no matter what.

The first belief comes from studying stoicism as a philosophy. The second comes from studying spirituality.

I think I started studying both of these because life is inherently unpredictable. Uncertainty is simply a part

of being alive. How many of the major events of my life could I have anticipated? At the very least,

extremely few of them. In reality, probably one or two. Most of the times, life seems to throw things our way

and we have to respond. Crucially, we must respond. We don’t get a choice about that, we can’t just not

participate in reality, we just get a choice about how we respond.

So, then, most of our efforts should be focussed on two things:

1) Learning to accept that unpredictable things will happen.

2) Learning to deal with those unpredictable things in the most productive way.

It baffles me how little time people spend on these things. Unpredictable things are guaranteed to happen.

Things that will cause us pain, hurt, sadness, anger, fear. And yet most of us just bury our heads in the

sand and then when these things inevitably happen, we just muddle through somehow. Yeah, we usually

get through it, but what are we like on the other side? Are we better or worse? Are we proud of how we

dealt with it or simply relieved that it’s over?

And I suppose that brings us to the second point, that we have to learn how to deal with these

unpredictable things in productive ways. Sure, we might have an initial feeling towards something -

sadness, anger, fear - but, after that, we have a choice. We don’t have to mope, or sulk, or take it out on

other people, or hide away, or blame. We certainly aren’t obligated to stay in some mood that’s

unproductive. What’s the point in that? All that happens is you suffer and the world goes on without you.

Your suffering changes nothing except for probably ruining your day, your week, your month, even your

year, even 10 years of your life.

Only about 0.0000000000000000000042 percent of the universe contains any matter. We literally live on a

rock in the middle of nowhere that’s spinning over 1,000mph while orbiting the sun at roughly 67,000mph in

a universe that existed for 13.8 billion years before we were born and will exist for billions of years after we

die. The only rational thing to do is to enjoy it. All of it. Or do you have an alternative suggestion?

Sunday 10th May

Went for an easier run this morning. Still 25 minutes, but just at a slower pace. Which, encouragingly, is

faster than the pace I started running at. I could’ve run 50 minutes at that pace, probably. 35 at least.

Today was the day that Boris Johnson addressed the nation after 7 (?) weeks of lockdown to update us on

the situation. Basically, there’ll be some changes, but not a lot. Which, to me, is fine.

People found a way to nit pick and complain almost instantly. What is that impulse all about? Does it fool us

into thinking we’re helping? Are we miserable and out of control with our own lives and so it’s easy for us to

sink into victimhood and therefore we complain?

Monday 11th May

Watched episodes 7 and 8 of The Last Dance today.

Impossibly good.

Two of my favourite moments were as follows:

MJ led by example. Simple as that. He’d never ask someone to do something that he wouldn’t do himself.

Whether it was in a game or in a practice, he always, always led the way.

He knew people took time out of their day to watch him play. So he wanted to give his absolutely best, he

wanted to make it worth their time.

There are no reasons I can't implement these things into my life, my days. With the writing I put out there, I

can be aware that people might click it and might start reading and I want them to think, holy shit, this is

fucking good, and not, eh, this is ok. They chose to invest their time in reading my article. I have to make

that worthwhile.

And in terms of leading by example, well I can start the two beliefs I mentioned on Saturday 9th May.

Dedication, mastery, spirituality - these are all decisions, these are all practices, these are all in my control.

Tuesday 12th May

Went for an early morning run instead of a late morning run. Feels good. I felt strong, too. I finished on a

strong note. The last half of the run was much quicker than the first and the lastminute in particular was

fast.

A few weeks ago, I couldn’t run for 13, 14 minutes without getting absolutely gassed and having to stop.

Now, I’m running for 25 minutes, non-stop, and feeling strong at the end.

I think we can make progress a lot quicker than I think we can.

Wednesday 13th May

Worked out again this morning. Felt good.

Not feeling great now - perhaps I’m still adjusting to my new morning routine. Got a headache. I think I

hydrated well before I worked out and during my workout so I don’t think it would be that that’s affecting me.

Either way, it’s time to get to work. There’s a Marcus Aurelius quote about this:

“Just that you do the right thing. The rest doesn’t matter. Cold or warm. Tired or well-rested. Despised or

honoured. Dying… or busy with other assignments.”

Thursday 14th May

Running was quite tough this morning. Ran 4.54k in 27 minutes and 59 seconds.

I really want to run a 5k in 25 minutes. But I suppose there’s no rush. I’d like to at least run it in 30 minutes

at first, then 28, then 25. The other day, I ran 4.27k in 25 minutes and 23 seconds, so I think that was a

faster pace.

********

Started reading Zen Minds, Beginner’s Mind today. It’s very good. It has lots of “laugh out loud in

ridiculousness” moments. I think I could read the book 100 times and not get it. I also think I could open up

to a random page, read a random sentence, and understand it all. It’s a strange experience to read it.

It also made me realise that I’ve been pushing thoughts and feelings away in my meditation practice,

instead of just experiencing them as waves, as just things that are coming up and happening.

I don’t need to push them away. I need to let them pass. There’s a difference, and I think I’m beginning to

see that now.

Friday 15th May

Had an interesting workout this morning. I felt like I was able to take some of the principles written about in

Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind and apply them. Like, just being in the moment. Not even necessarily enjoying it

or trying to enjoy it, but just existing there. When you do that, you start to lose yourself, and so the pain is

less. Or not even less, but it doesn’t matter as much. It’s just there like a tree is just there; it doesn’t have to

affect you so much.

My friend told me it took him a long time to read Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. Months, I believe. It’ll take me

days, maybe just two or three. Maybe even today. I love it. It’s one of those “QuakeBooks” - I think Tyler

Cowen coined the term - in that it changes your fundamental view of the world and yourself.

********

Just finished the first draft of a 3,500 word article. I really enjoyed it. Supposedly, these types of articles

have a much better chance of going viral, so let’s see what happens.

Saturday 16th May

Shot some hoops this morning. That was cool.

I have seen a fair few posts on social media that say not to worry if you haven’t used this lockdown or

quarantine time productively.

Perhaps I’m naive, or just plain wrong, but I disagree. Well, you shouldn’t worry, obviously, ever. That

achieves nothing. Nobody ever looked back and thought, “I’m glad I worried about that. ”But the concept of

Alive Time or Dead Time just sticks with me, and I do wonder how many people have used this time as a

reason - an excuse - to do nothing.

Sunday 17th May

I have 15 days to read five books. I think I can do it.

But I don’t think I’ll be doing a reading challenge like this again. It feels too rushed. I think one book per

week would be good to aim for, though. That seems appropriate. Maybe even 6 days to read that book and

then one day to absorb it, write what I learned from it, ponder on it.

Monday 18th May

I finished watching The Last Dance today.

What a stunning documentary. I love basketball, but it transcends basketball. It transcends sports, honestly.

It’s about humanity, the pursuit of winning, the dedication to be great.

Jordan wouldn’t have let this lockdown be some excuse to slack off. He might’ve thought other players

would be doing that and so he’d work even harder than usual.

That’s the kind of attitude to which I want to aspire.

I also wrote the following quote out to remind myself of what it takes:

“It is rare that you meet a person who is truly dedicated. When you do, you find that he is almost always

very successful.”

Easier said than done, of course. But what isn’t?

Tuesday 19th May

I feel good when I do things that are good for me.

I get the whole “love yourself” movement. Better that than hate. But if you eat like shit, never exercise,

forego sleep, never drink water, hang around with people who don’t complement you, then you can tell

yourself you love yourself all you want but your actions don’t show it. So every time you tell yourself you

love yourself, but then continue to do the above, you show yourself that you don’t.

Last night, Lisa said something about challenging myself. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it

was something to the affect of not challenging myself every day would be a day wasted. Or that I have to

challenge myself to consider the day successful. Something like that.

She’s probably right. And I like that. I like challenging myself. To me, that is loving yourself -because when

you challenge yourself, you grow. And to me, that’s kind of the point of life. As Michael Singer says in The

Untethered Soul, “the only thing to get from life is the growth that comes from experiencing it.”

---

What will people think when they read this back? How do I want to be portrayed?

I was thinking about that last night. If I sent this out to the whole world now, and everyone read it, how

would I be portrayed? Would I be remembered the way I want to be remembered?

I suppose I’d like to be remembered as someone who was dedicated. Who was a good friend. Who was

kind. Who didn’t let obstacles get in his way. Who was fun, and funny. Who did his best, who gave his all.

Wednesday 20th May

Very productive day.

Nearly did all my research for my post on The Last Dance. Did a tough hiit workout in the morning. Ate well.

Thursday 21st May

Ran the furthest I’ve ran so far this morning - 4.78km. And I did that in 28 minutes. I honestly never saw

myself

One thing this time has let me do in a big way is reflect.

Who am I? What do I want? What do I stand for? What prices am I willing to pay to get what I want?

One thing I realised is that I’ve let myself be disrespected a lot over the years. I’ve taught people that I will

tolerate being disrespected. Whether it’s letting Richard Graham ordering me around when I was younger

or letting Bethan behave however she wants and always coming back to her.

I will do that no longer. I will stop disrespecting myself. I will stand up for myself and for what I believe in.

It’s always been in me. That fire. That determination. That will to win. But I suppose I’ve been scared of it,

afraid it. Because what if I couldn’t sustain it? What if I failed? What if it wasn’t enough?

Well, fuck that. I will not be held by anything.

Friday 22nd May

Had a good chat with Lisa. I do enjoy speaking to her. It is obviously a bit of a weird situation, not being

able to meet, but I do think that’s good.

It’s also not how I usually do relationships. Usually I pick someone who doesn’t want a relationship, force

my desires onto them, make them have feelings for me, get upset when they still don't want a relationship,

act out, cut them off, go back to them, cut them off, go back to them, until it’s all one big fucking mess and

then I’m like, oh yeah, this is toxic and I’m unhappy 90% of the time.

So this is a bit of a nicer, more effective way than that.

Saturday 23rd May

Been a bit of a strange day.

I had quite a bit of downtime which was actually really nice. Ate some healthy snacks while watching

basketball. It was good to just chill and have nothing to do.

But the thing is, there’s never anything to do. Nobody ever wants anything from you. There’s just the

moment to be in, to exist in. That feeling I had when on ayahuasca - that overwhelming feeling of “there’s

literally nothing to do right now except what I’m doing right now” - is a feeling I can access any time. Now

that I’m not accessing it all the time, I can see how much my mind gets pulled into the past or into the

future. Usually when I think about the past, my mind gets pulled in a negative one, but when I think about

the future, it gets pulled in a positive one. That’s interesting. But yeah, I think knowing when I’m not in the

moment is a pretty good step forward. I think that bodes well.

Sunday 24th May

Had a productive day today. Read a chapter of a book, wrote many words. Also chilled out a lot- I watched

two films.

I felt like indulging with some snacks, cookies, biscuits, whatever. But I didn’t. I had an ice cream with my

parents and that was nice. That was enough.

Monday 25th May

I had a good morning.

The run was pretty tough, but I did smash my kilometre split time. My best before was 5:46, but today I ran

at 5:28. And when I ran the 5:46, I ran 3.51km; today, running 5:28, I ran 3.69km. So it was tough, but

good. Challenging, but not impossible.

To run a 5k in 25 minutes - what I ultimately want to do - I’ll need to run splits of 5:00. That’s quite a bit

faster than I’ve been going.

I was out early again, at about 6:20am. I like it. It was so quiet, I barely saw any other people or cars. I

thought to myself, “god I love early mornings.” I think I’d like to get up early always, even if I’m just going for

a walk and not working out.

Tuesday 26th May

Ran a different route this morning. I enjoyed that. I really think I could do a 5k in 28 minutes. That would be

awesome. I did 4.74k in about 27 minutes and 55 seconds yesterday, so just 260more metres and I

would’ve done it. I started the run not even pushing that hard so I think I could do it. That’s the goal,

anyway.

Wednesday 27th May

Moving out of my flat in London today.

It’ll be weird and cool to go back there for the night. I’ve had a lot of... interesting memories there. Some

good, some painful. I think it’ll be cathartic, if nothing else.

Saturday 30th May

Somehow, all this sports writing stuff seems kind of silly in the face of what’s happened to George Floyd.

I don’t know... I was excited about it, but now it just seems unimportant.

Sunday 31st May

I ran 50km in May. Just over. 50.07, I believe.

Before that, I’d only ever ran a few kilometres. Ever. I think the first run I ever did was in the last couple of

weeks of April. Before that, I’d never sat there and thought to myself, “I’m gonna go for a run.” So that’s

pretty good progress.

I have to admit, I feel torn right now.

There’s working on my spirituality and personal growth, there’s working on daily sports stories, there’s

working on my writing, and now there’s this whole thing about George Floyd that’s gotten into my heart.

And because of that, some of the other stuff - namely daily sports stories – seems kind of pointless.

June 2020

Monday 1st June

That was a beautiful meditation. So peaceful, so moving. Why would I ever not want to experience that? A

few times I wasn’t even there at all. Everything was still, including my mind. Other times, I watched my

mind. And maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling a bit strange the past few days - because I’ve been watching

my mind more than ever and some of it is quite disturbing, frankly.

It holds onto the past a lot. It projects into the future a lot. It struggles with staying here, now. It’s trying to

control everything all the time, trying to solve things, trying to work things out – things that have either

happened or have yet to happen. So, yeah. Doesn’t really make sense, does it? It’s like Tolle says in The

Power Of Now: To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. Which, essentially, is insanity. We do it

about the weather all the time - I wish it was sunny, I wish it wasn’t so sunny, I wish it was colder, no not

that cold, a bit warmer, no too warm, etc etc- even though the universe has done a pretty good job for 13.8

billion years. But no, somehow we think we know better. You might as well complain about the sky being

blue.

But, perhaps more insidiously, we complain about things that have happened and things that are going to

happen. Or we’re angry at ourselves for things that have happened or we worry about things that are going

to happen. This is literally madness. What are we doing inside ourselves? You’re the only one inside

yourself, you’re the only one who lives in there, so why does it suck in there? Don't you want it to be a

sanctuary? A place you can go to get some peace? Don’t you want to have some fun for goodness sake?

Our thoughts aren’t our fault. We can’t feel responsible for them. That will only lead to pain. Just watch

them, just relax.

Tuesday 2nd June

30 years old. How about that.

I had a great day today. I got lots of kind, thoughtful messages from people, I had champagne and steak

with my parents, my manager at work sent me Krispy Kremes. I’ve had a lovely time.

Wednesday 3rd June

Don't avoid pain. Go deeper into it. Explore it. Find it. Be there it. My god, do not resist it. What resist,

persists. I think I’m learning that more than ever now.

Sometimes, even when things are unclear, you just have to keep going. You just have to muddle through.

You just have to trust that you’re doing the right thing in taking care of yourself, and just keep moving

forward.

Thursday 4th June

Meeting up with Lisa today. Should be fun!

I just posted something to Instagram about my experiences with wanting to be black when I was younger.

I’m glad I posted it. I don’t want to be silent about this. I feel a little nervous, but it’s ok. I think I did the right

thing.

Friday 5th June

It was really good to meet Lisa in person. She’s very nice. She looks good, too, which doesn’t hurt. I’m not

sure where it’ll lead but let’s find out.

I’m feeling a bit lost. Overwhelmed, perhaps. I don’t know.

It feels like there’s a lot I want to accomplish, but how do I accomplish it? Is it even what I want to

accomplish?

Also, I was talking to Lisa last night about spirituality. And I didn’t have answers for some of her questions.

That’s happened with Bethan, too. Why? Because I don’t understand it in the way I think I understand it.

That must be it. If you can’t explain it, you don’t understand it.

But that’s ok. I don’t mind that. That doesn’t mean I can’t still write about it, or talk about it, or post about it.

It also means I can continue to study and go deeper. It is the right path, I believe that. So I just have to

continue to walk it.

Saturday 6th June

I’m not sure it’s going to work out with Lisa, honestly.

We both sort of said last night that there’s no real spark - which is true.

I think that’s fine. I don’t think I’d miss her if we stopped talking. Perhaps that’s a bit harsh, but it’s true.

Sunday 7th June

I think there seem to be two versions of me: the high and the low. And I think one of the key differences is

exercise.

Monday 8th June

Very productive and enjoyable day.

Got plenty of work done, plenty of reading, plenty of learning.

Tuesday 9th June

Since George Floyd was murdered, I’ve been thinking about how I can help the Black Lives Matter

movement. How I can do more. Obviously, I’m not meant to be leading the movement -I’m white. But now,

my friend Dan - who is black - has given me a chance to help.

He’s starting something called Black Business Matters. And he’s asked me to be a part of it. To help with

content, to be at the forefront of the movement. What an honour. Along with all the other privileges I have,

it’s a privilege to know Dan.

*****

I’m thinking about Bethan still, from time to time.

It’s not like I want to be with her, I think I’m just processing what happened still. How I could’ve gotten so far

away from myself? How could I have so flagrantly disregarded my own boundaries for another person who

clearly didn’t respect me all that much? I do think she loved me, as I loved her, but the respect was lacking.

Wednesday 10th June

It was fun putting the quiz together for work. I enjoyed it. It’ll be nice to host tomorrow.

I watched the first two episodes of The Last Dance with my parents. They really liked it, so that’s cool.

I’ve worked out every day this week so far and it feels good. That definitely seems to be the thing that helps

all other things, all other good habits.

Thursday 11th June

This time last year, I was torturing myself over Bethan.

I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was drinking a lot. I was eating crap all the time. I wasn’t exercising.

I was looking back at some of my journal entries from last year and I was saying all the right things: she has

a boyfriend, she said she doesn’t want a relationship, she said she’ll hurt you, she said she didn’t want to

date you, and so, given all of that, you need to let this go.

That’s what spirituality is. That’s where the rubber meets the road: when your personal preferences conflict

with reality.

There were two paths: going down the route of my personal preferences or going down the route of letting

go and responding in the best possible way to the moment in front of me. I choose the path of personal

preference. I wanted Bethan and I wanted her in the way I wanted her. I wanted to date her, to be with her,

to have a relationship with her. I wanted her all to myself. I wanted her despite her having a boyfriend,

despite her living in his house, despite her telling me to my face that she didn’t really want a relationship,

that she thought she’d end up hurting me, that she liked me more than she wanted to.

It was a struggle to even get her to meet up with me. She’d always say she had plans, or she’d just be

really vague, or she wouldn’t commit, and it would tear me up inside.

The answer, looking back, is clear: actions speak louder than words. She just wasn’t that bothered about

me. I wanted her in a certain way and she didn’t want me in that way. And that caused an enormous

amount of friction, of pain. All because I chose to go with my personal preferences and not listen and

respond to reality.

It was the same thing with Jessica. I’d go into the story a bit more but there’s no point - it’s the same exact

story.

If my romantic life isn’t a lesson in spirituality, I don’t know what is. It’s the ultimate story of choosing

personal preferences - which are only based on past events you stored in your brain and nothing more -

over what’s actually happening in reality.

Saturday 13th June

What do I want to do for work?

Do I want to stay at Major Players for now? Possibly.

Do I want to stay in recruitment long term? Unlikely.

Do I want to get back into copywriting? Possibly.

Do I want to start my own freelancing career again and get a few clients? Maybe.

There are options.

Sunday 14th June

Well, I told Lisa that I don’t think we felt the same way about each other. She told me she liked me and I

just don’t think I’m quite there yet. So I told her that and that I wish her the best, which is true.

It wasn’t pleasant but it’s what I wish some women had done for me before rather than leading me on, so I

think I made the right call.

The truth is, the last couple of weeks have rocked me. It’s made me question what really matters, what’s

truly important. Not just for now but forever.

Wednesday 17th June

I haven’t written anything for the past two days. Not in this document, anyway.

I’ve been learning a lot lately about both humanity and spirituality. In terms of humanity, I’ve been learning

about the history of racism both here in Great Britain and also in the USA. I’ve read Why I’m No Longer

Talking To White People About Race, and I’m currently reading a book called Native: Race and Class In

The Ruins Of Empire (by Akala). Both books focus on Great Britain, and England in particular. I think books

like this should be required reading - they’re teaching me so much.

In terms of spirituality, I’ve been learning from a course entitled Living From A Place Of Surrender. It’s so

good. I wish everyone could listen to it.

Thursday 18th June

Getting some good feedback from my Instagram posts so far. Goes to show that maybe I didn’t need to

wait. But it’s cool. I’m doing it now.

It’s funny though, how many excuses one can make. They’re so easy, but more than that, they’re slippery,

insidious, because you might not even realise you’re making them.

I do want a platform. I do want influence. But in the right way. I don’t give a shit about someone using my

discount code. I care about helping people who want to learn but maybe don’t know where to start, maybe

they have an “old-school” family who doesn’t agree with their beliefs and they want a place where they can

be themselves and know it’s ok, maybe they realise their beliefs are wrong but they're struggling to change

them and need guidance.

Friday 19th June

It’s Juneteenth today. The “official” day slavery in the United States ended. I’m learning so many new things

recently. I’m grateful to be able to broaden my horizons.

Meeting up with Jade tomorrow. Don’t think I’ve mentioned that yet. Basically, to cut a long story fairly

short, we met each other at University. She dated a friend of mine, and at the time, he was a very good

friend. Now, not so much. Jade and I have kept in touch a lot more then he and I have.

Last year, we met up and ended up making out and having a kind of “date.” It was great. But the truth is, at

the time, Bethan and I were in one of our “off” periods of our on-again-off-again relationship, and I also still

felt a bit bad about dating Jade knowing she’d been in a long-term relationship with a friend of mine (even

though they broke up in 2011). I told her that I just didn’t feel a “spark,” which wasn’t necessarily true. I feel

bad about that.

We recently talked and I apologized for it and she accepted it. And I also told her that I did want to date her,

to see where this might lead - I’d been thinking about it for a few weeks, pretty much since we were on

lockdown, but I didn’t want to rush into saying anything because of what had happened last time.

The toxic relationship I had with Bethan was partly responsible for fucking it up last time. I chose a toxic

relationship with someone who had no respect for me over someone who cared about me, held me in high

regard, someone who was kind, nice, thoughtful, hot. I think you’ll agree with me that I made a mistake.

Luckily, I now get the chance to rectify that mistake.

Saturday 20th June

Made a nice meal for my parents yesterday. That was fun. I enjoy cooking.

It’ll be good to meet up with Jade today. I saw her on Bumble yesterday, actually. I wonder if she’s still

using it. And I wonder if she’s said anything to that other guy she was seeing.

It kind of baffles me now that I even remotely tolerated those very toxic relationships with both Jessica and

Bethan. And I suppose even before that, with Kylie and Aimee. Especially when there are women like Jade

out there who are kind, supportive, strong, good-looking, etc. Like, what else was I looking for?

Perhaps I believed love needed to be a struggle. Or maybe that to have anything I wanted, I needed to

struggle.

Sunday 21st June

I had a very chilled day today. Watched two films, barely did anything else. I went for a run though, that was

cool.

I think I sometimes don’t allow myself to be chilled, to relax. So then, even when I’m “relaxing,” I’m kind of

not. I’m more so beating myself up about “relaxing” than actually, truly relaxing.

Monday 22nd June

Me and Jade both said that if other people had looked at us and our relationship as friends over the years,

they probably would’ve said, why aren’t they dating?

As I said before, it kind of makes me wonder what I was looking for. And again, I’ve been thinking these

past few days, why on earth did I put up with some of the stuff I put up with? It’s kind of incredible to think

about. I suppose that means I’ve grown though.

Tuesday 23rd June

Went for a fast run this morning, did some writing, did some reading, chilled out quite a bit. I was really

tired. Went to bed early. Well, I went into my room at about 7:30, and then slept at about 9:45 probably. I

just felt kind of exhausted. Maybe I’m thinking too much, dwelling, worrying.

Thursday 25th June

Had a good chat with Dan last night about Black Business Matters. Got a quiz night tonight. Meeting up

with some friends tomorrow. Meeting up with Jade on Saturday.

Friday 26th June

I was just reminiscing with my mum about how tough some of my past relationships have been. They’ve

essentially been constant struggles. Neither of us would set any boundaries and so they just descended

into toxicity. Neither of us respected each other - I didn’t respect what they wanted and they didn’t respect

what I wanted. I suppose it’s not a coincidence we found each other.

The good news is that they’ve helped me grow. Perhaps more than anything else. It’s like Pema Chodron

says:

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible

be found in us.”

I certainly exposed myself to annihilation. And actually, there’s something interesting about that in that my

“personality” often changed a lot while I was in these relationships. I distinctly remember one time not

knowing what to order for breakfast for the two of us because I was afraid it would be the “wrong” order and

that she wouldn’t like it and that she’d get angry and I’d feel small. Like, I literally couldn’t make the

decision. I’d paralysed myself. Bear in mind one of the reasons we were even dating in the first place is

because she’d said I had a big, strong, playful personality.

Same with Bethan. I changed. I wasn’t “me.”

It makes you wonder what “personality” really is. It’s something Jim Carrey discusses in Jim and Andy. He

portrayed his idol, Andy Kaufman, in a documentary, and found the lines blurred between his personality

and Andy’s. Where did Jim end and Andy begin? Was there an end and a beginning? There’s a lot more to

it, but after it ended, he was confused. If personality was so malleable, so changeable, who was he? What

was he?

Saturday 27th June

Drove up to London yesterday to see some friends. We met in a park and just chilled out for a few hours. It

was lovely.

Meant to meet up with Jade today but the weather is all over the place so we’re seeing each other

tomorrow. I’m excited. I’m excited we’re also discussing future plans, too. God, I remember what a struggle

that was with Bethan. Couldn’t even “get” her to come round at the weekend let alone commit to something

longer-term than that.

The whole thing was stress! It’s unbelievable. I’m surprised I was even able to function properly. I kind of

respect myself for it, in a weird way. I was even a “top biller” in my recruiting job for the month of

November. Perhaps, though, there was something about making a huge distraction so I could simply

escape having to focus on being “successful”? Or achieving things? Or just a distraction from being me? A

relief from the mundanity of life?

Possibly. It’s interesting to think about.

Monday 29th June

Had a lovely time with Jade yesterday. It’s kind of awesome that we get on so well so easily and also want

to date each other. I feel lucky, in a way. Not in an inferior kind of way, but just in a “this is really cool” kind

of way.

It does seem like it’ll keep developing nicely. And we’ve both alluded to the fact we could’ve been doing this

for years, but then, we were different people beforehand. We’ve grown and changed and gotten better.

Now seems like the ideal time for us to explore what we have.

It’ll definitely be cool when me and Jade can actually go places. Like, having a weekend in Portsmouth, for

example. Yeah. That would be pretty awesome.

Tuesday 30th June

This is the third month I’ve been writing diary entries for this project, I believe?

I’m glad I got involved. I really hope it helps people.

It’s hard to say exactly what I’ve struggled with most so far. I’ve honestly quite enjoyed myself. I think it’s

perhaps that I can’t necessarily get out the house as much as I’d like. For example, before this, I was going

to cafes most Saturday and Sunday mornings and chilling out, having a coffee, maybe a cake, doing some

writing. I’m looking forward to being able to do that again.

Also, now that Jade and I are seeing each other more, it’ll be cool when we can go out to eat, drink,

cinema, nights out, weekends away, holidays. Yeah. That’s gonna be fun.

July 2020

Wednesday 1st July

How is that possible? I can’t believe I turned 30 almost a month ago. I do feel like I’m 30 but I also don’t.

If I had to sum up my decades on earth so far, I think this is how I’d do it:

1 to 10 = being a child

10 to 20 = learning

20 to 30 = unlearning

Between 10 and 20 I was learning how to “be” in the world. Maybe not correctly, maybe I didn’t always get

it right, but that was the theme of the decade. For me, being “liked” was the main driver. Never being a

moment’s problem. Being a Nice Guy.

It was also the first time I came into contact with psychology. It was like a light when off in my head when I

started to study it at college. I was hooked. I can still remember the moment -though of course having

studied psychology, you know that memory is notoriously unreliable. But that moment sparked the second

half of my life, I suppose, in which I wanted to understand myself more - as well as the people around me.

20 to 30 was realising how much “stuff” I had inside me and going about the process to let go of it. It started

with personal development, then to writing, then moved more into business /entrepreneurship / thought

leadership, then to spirituality, then back to writing again (with spirituality).

I realised how much I’d inherited from my parents, both the productive and unproductive qualities. I realised

how similar we were. Probably the oldest story of time, isn’t it? Kid tries to grow up different from his

parents in many ways and ends up very similar to them. I realised two things in particular: they wanted

people to like them - or at least to never be a moment’s problem - and they rarely set boundaries. I certainly

inherited these two things and they played out in a major way in every romantic relationship I had. So, as

you can imagine, they didn’t exactly work out.

Without this lockdown, perhaps I never would’ve realised some of this stuff. Being at home with my parents

has certainly allowed me to see them in a more... realistic light, shall we say. And that’s a good thing. They

also have many great qualities: they care, they look out for others, they work hard but don’t overwork, and

so on. It’s just interesting to see how their upbringing of me shaped me.

Thursday 2nd July

I think I’ve been letting myself actually like Jade. Like, I’ve always liked her as a friend. But now I think I’m

realising we might’ve had something more all along - or at least for a good number of years.

I look forward to her messaging me. I look forward to meeting up with her. I look forward to making plans

for the future with her. If this is what I’ve been fearful of, that’s pretty silly.

In some ways, it’s kind of surreal. She’s hot, and she’s into me, and she’s kind and thoughtful and sweet?

And we want the same things? Not sure I’ve ever had that before.

Monday 6th July

I had another great time with Jade this weekend. We really can just sit and talk about nothing, but also

something, also important stuff.

Thursday 9th July

Had an interesting couple of days.

I haven’t felt too well and I realised that, once again, I’d been putting so much pressure on myself . And

that’s exactly why I was not feeling too great: the pressure.

I spoke to my parents about it and felt a lot better. I realised I was thinking of a million different things at

once, trying to figure out how to do them all, wondering why I wasn’t, wondering what I wasn’t where I

wanted to be, and then crumbling under all of that while having the joy crushed out of me.

Not too smart.

And for someone who considers himself spiritual, or at least very interested in spirituality, this was none too

spiritual. It’s the opposite, if anything.

Saturday 11th July

Dad’s birthday today. Happy 58th, Dad. You don’t look a day over 58.

Sunday 12th July

Jade and I had a lovely date on Friday night. I forgot to mention that here. We spent hours and hours

together just chatting, just chilling. We didn’t exactly maintain social distancing, I have to say. But that was

our 4th date in the past few weeks so I think we did pretty well to “resist” for a few weeks

Monday 20th July

Had a great time with Jade on Saturday. We really do get on well. We both said this might be the first time

ever - or at least in a long time - that something like this, something romantic, has gone so well. It’s just

easy. Simple. Not complicated. We’re both on the same page.

Makes you wonder how much we get in our own way, how much we try to fix ourselves with relationships

rather than getting to know the other person.

And this isn’t just me (or you, Mike). So, so many people do this. Even asking my friend the other day if he

was seeing anyone special, he said, “it’s complicated.” We’ve all been in this situation, haven’t we?

Because instead of coming at the relationship open, we come at it closed. We want them to be the way we

want them to be, rather than the way they are. And then when we - inevitably - find out they’re not the way

we want them to be, at least not all the time, we get bothered inside and we try to eradicate that feeling by

controlling them.

As Osho said, if you love a flower, you don’t pick it, you don’t take from it. You watch it, you water it

occasionally (i.e. you give to it), you let it grow, you love to see it bloom. You enjoy the experience of

watching it grow and bloom, you don’t get all upset when it doesn’t do what you want it to do because all

you want it to do is grow and be beautiful and be alive and it’s already doing that so there’s nothing to want.

August 2020

Sunday 2nd August

I had a chat with Bethan the other day. It was nice. Cathartic. I don’t want to hold any hate in my heart, or

even dislike. It’s just a burden. Plus, if you hold hate or dislike or resentment or anger in your heart, nothing

changes - you just suffer. You and only you. I’m not going to do that.

Wednesday 5th August

I’ve been thinking and reading about death lately. Sometimes, I’ll sit there and look at my parents and think,

“They’ll be dead someday, and I’ll have to deal with that.” It made me curious because how would I deal

with it? Who will I be in those moments? And I don’t want to resist or shut out those moments; I want to be

there, fully, consciously, experiencing them. I think that’s the wisest way to handle them.

Don't get me wrong, I’m not depressed about it. It’s a fascinating topic to think on and read about. It’s the

one inevitability in life, after all. To not become intimate with it would be a mistake, I think.

Tuesday 11th August

Life is quite the experience.

Long story short: Jade and I had a lovely weekend in Portsmouth, and then we had an argument the night

we arrived back, and now we probably won’t see each other ever again.

Wild.

Sunday 16th August

I haven’t felt the need to write in this lately. I guess it’s because there’s less to process.

I’m starting to meet up with friends again, go out to eat, go to cafes and write. That’s where I’m writing this

from right now, in fact. So I guess things just feel a bit more normal again. Or rather, people are feeling

more and more comfortable with returning to normality.

I can safely say, though, that this pandemic has changed me. Or, perhaps, helped me to shed more layers,

helped me to let go of more and more stuff.

Wednesday 2nd September

I barely even recognise the person I was at the beginning of lockdown. I was coming out of a toxic

relationship, although we were still somewhat “entangled.” I was barely meditating. I felt like I was being

pushed and pulled around by my thoughts and emotions all the time. I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t reading. I

wasn’t studying. It’s hard to even remember that “version” of me. I suppose I know now that there aren’t

“versions” of me.

September 2020

Wednesday 30th September

Well, this might be the last entry.

I can't believe how quickly the past few months have gone. One minute I was being put on furlough, the

next it’s the end of September, 6 months later. Wild.

And so much has happened. I’ve dated people, I’ve been away, I’ve read, I’ve studied, I’ve written, I’ve

grown. I’ve definitely grown. So many old things have fallen away, even when it’s been somewhat hard or

difficult to let them go. But if they were stored with pain, they’ll be released with pain, so it makes sense.

So much of the inner work, of growing, etc, is just the willingness to do so. If you’re willing to doit, you’ll find

your way. But will you be willing to do it when it really matters? It’s easy to experience nice things; what

about when you’re experiencing uncomfortable things? Are you going to continue to be afraid of them or

are you finally going to fully feel them?

Fully feeling them is the only way out. You have to go through that. And anyway, it won’t be so bad. It’ll

pass, sooner or later. It’s like when it’s a cloudy day; it doesn’t matter how much cloud there is, it won't last

forever. The sun is still there, unchanged. And at some point, it’ll shine on the earth again.