Corona Diaries

Emma “There has been a change to CPR policy. All patients are to be treated as if they are COVID positive, and ward staff are not to clear the airway or start compressions…I half joke I would like them to clear my airway if I choke on a crisp. No one laughs. This is very scary.” Background Information Female, aged 35-44, working as a Healthcare Support Worker within a hospital during the Covid-19 pandemic alongside studying for her Masters at university, South Wales, White, living with Common Law partner and her 2 children.

March 2020 24.03.2020 First day of lock down and survived with minimal drama. The kids are happy doing their work online. Thank god they didn’t have anything too complicated, so they managed to complete it independently. My partner’s not feeling so well today – anxiety and exacerbation of OCD. He’s locked himself away in the bedroom most of the day. I have found it distracting to complete the reading for my Masters. Usually I do this when there is no one else about and just the general noise is distracting – I’ll have to adjust. Finished the day with a game of uno. Can’t believe how much fun it was, we don’t usually make time for games unless its Christmas I’m ashamed to admit. 25.03.2020 Day two of lockdown – and I’m already sick to death of the term lockdown. Still managed to keep the school routine going. Kids got up and started their work without any nagging which was surprising. After they finished their work my son was on the Xbox with his friends. Usually I’m worried what they are up to, but now I’m pleased he is able to maintain his social contacts. I don’t think he could cope at home with no peer interaction. My daughter is having a Kardashian binge. Usually I tease her about this, but now I won’t if it keeps her sane. My partner is feeling fractious and has spent most of the day on state approved walks. It’s difficult for him, and I wonder how he will manage with us all on top of one another. I have done the reading I had planned to complete for my course, so I feel calmer about my assignment I’m going to write next week. I’m starting to become worried about going back to work tonight. It’s difficult to judge from the news how prevalent COVID 19 is in our local area. On my shifts over the previous weekend, it became apparent how unprepared we are. I was working on a ‘clean’ ward and four of the patients were found to potentially be infected. There were no clinical indications they were potentially infected on admission and had been nursed without PPE for two days. We may have all been exposed. Now these patients are query COVID we have been given bare bones PPE. It was quite sobering when a rapid response was called and the Doctors refused to enter the cubicle without FFP3 masks, blue gown & visor. The equipment magically turned up! It did verge on the ridiculous when a consultant turned up in surgical gowns and hard helmet/facevisor. I did find it amusing – we’re looking at the Doctor’s wanting their protection and they are

looking at the consultant wanting his! It did feel like a farce. Fortunately, the patient was made stable and went to surgery for another issue. But the whole episode was worrying, particularly the crappy surgical mask and aprons we are provided. Its also galling that they have told staff there is no PPE when clearly there is. Can’t help but think a lack of information is creating fear amongst staff. It’s also weird they aren’t testing staff unless their symptomatic. This is crazy when they are so dependent on bank and agency workers who move around. I signed a Unison petition to the Welsh Government for appropriate equipment for workers. I doubt it will make a difference (cynical) but it feels productive. 26.03.2020 Worked in another Hospital last night, in a quiet coastal town. The shift was quiet. Usually it’s an elderly ward of 28 but only 10 patients remain. The rest have been moved on for placement and it’s to become a COVID positive ward from tomorrow. The staff are angry and frustrated. Must have spent at least 11 of 12 hours talking about the virus, every death on the news, how this hospital is going to be considered a hospice (no life saving facilities there), how half the staff will die, how we are all cannon fodder, how we are all going to die, how the management have not been open, how we are all going to die, on repeat. I could only handle about six hours. I started to feel tension in my diaphragm, and a headache. I offer to take over from a male worker who is covering a one to one on the ward. While the patient is exhibiting sexually disinhibited behaviour, I feel this is better for my mental health than sitting listening to all the worrying with the staff!! Slowly, my headache goes and I try and make some links in my mind with the reading I’ve been doing for Uni. I managed to sleep until 1pm today. I spent most of the afternoon reading for Uni, before going back to work this evening. My partner is back out for another walk (he’s never walked this much before), and the kids are facetiming their friends all afternoon. Can’t imagine how bored they’d be without their technology. 27.03.2020 Worked in another Hospital last night. Another query COVID case. The staff were worried but accepting, totally different to the previous two wards I’d worked on. The ward sister had stayed behind at the end of the shift (as this too was supposed to be a ‘clean’ ward) to discuss staff concerns, explain the procedures and how to use the equipment properly. This made such a difference to the staff and the atmosphere on the ward. I was in a bay of three ladies ‘cohorting’. It was really busy as they did not sleep, but they responded well to me so it didn’t feel challenging. Slept all day until 4pm. The kids have managed their homework and my partner is out for a long walk so all good. No Uni work today – can’t face it before work. 28.03.2020 Another shift on the same ward last night. I was in with the same ladies so very busy as they’ve not slept for two days and are getting very confused. The staff were lovely and there are lots of rumours about how the trust are going to care for COVID patients. The staff have access to a higher level of PPE than the other two hospitals I have worked in nut they still feel they need more! I’m absolutely knackered today. I promised to play uno before going back to work this evening. No time for uni work.

29.03.2020 Worked in a hospital in a deindustrialised town. Worked on the stroke unit, there are absolutely loads of staff on. As they have shut all the day/surgical/outpatients departments there are more staff on hand then ever before. No one will send anyone home in case this is the weekend we become inundated with patents. Half the hospital is empty. As soon as we go in the COVID talk starts. I know I can’t sit there listening to this all night, I only want to know what is relevant and I’ll have to deal with what occurs when I’m on shift. I offer to cover a two to one which keeps me occupied and out of the way. There is no visiting in the hospital, and the patients seem calmer for it. There has been a change to CPR policy. All patients are to be treated as if they are COVID positive, and ward staff are not to clear the airway or start compressions, it’s just straight to DFIB. Apparently, the Dr’s can decide if those two steps are to be taken when they arrive. I half joke I would like them to clear my airway if I choke on a crisp. No one laughs. This is very scary. Not sure how it will feel if we watch people die without everything being tried. Conversely, outcomes for CPR are poor even in hospital and this can spread the disease further. If I dwell too much on this, I will feel the fear. All I can hear people talking about is the virus so I stay out of the way with the one to one patients. I can’t let myself get too afraid or how will I cope looking after people in Hospital? They will need us especially if they are unable to have their families present when they die. If I start freaking out about getting it, I'm going to be ill with stress if nothing else. I woke up early today. I’m too tired to read the uni stuff so watch St Elmo’s Fire with my Daughter. I think this is comfort watching instead of comfort eating. I love watching 80’s films with my daughter as she looks at is another planet – she can’t believe how men and women are depicted in them. I hope this shows some progress we have made. My partner has gone to stay at his mum’s as her house is empty and his anxiety & OCD is pretty bad today. He can feel himself getting fractious and doesn’t want it building tension in the house. Me and the kids play ticket to ride. It took me an hour to figure it out and we had about four rows about the rules but we managed to finish the game! 30.03.20 I’ve been trying to write one of my assignments today. It was much more difficult than I anticipated – it’s so distracting with everyone home. Aside from helping the children with their homework, I did nothing else today and don’t feel like I got anywhere fast. I’m going to need to be quicker than this to complete everything by May. My partner came back this evening. He seems a lot calmer. Apparently 20mgs of diazepam and a dark room will chill you out! 31.03.20 Worked on the essay all day today and managed the grand total of 80 words. However, freaking out about this is a change from Corona. I saw on the news some Doctors have been threatened with the sack if they speak out about the PPE situation. I keep thinking back to the expenses scandal when the guy leaked the info because the Government were not providing equipment to soldiers on the front line. That is why this situation does not surprise me now. When the next election comes, I’m going to make sure I ask questions about how soldiers are provided as well as the NHS and Social Care Staff. I’m not sure what the kids have

been up to today because all I’ve focussed on is my uni work- I bet it’s not their schoolwork as they’ve been suspiciously quiet. My partner has been doing stuff in the shed – not sure what this is but he’s quiet.

April 2020 01/04/2020 Another day working on my assignment. So difficult at home. Both the kids needed help to get started with their work, so I didn’t end up starting my own work until 3pm. As soon as they both could, they scattered upstairs to their bedrooms. They can’t wait for Easter. I’m really struggling to get into Uni work – I’ve got too many distractions I’m struggling to focus on one thing for long enough. My partner’s happy today so that’s a bonus. He’s organising some stuff in the shed. Whatever floats your boat! 02/04/2020 Another day, more school work. Think my son is manipulating me into doing his work as opposed to supporting – hmm, I think most parents will have the same issue. However, I do now know a bit about Australian animals which may help in a pub quiz should one ever occur again. Both the kids are fed up with the school work. They seem happy enough doing their own thing. Did get a bit of my own work done but have decided its rubbish and will have to start again. Partner is in a good mood today, a bit too good, often leads to a crash. 03/04/2020 Worked last night on a stroke ward. Really weird atmosphere on the ward. Hardly anyone spoke to one another. I was allocated a one to one that’s a three to one. The word ‘multiple’ was against some of the patient names on the handover sheets, and no one seemed able to tell me what that meant. Or cared to be honest. The ladies I cared for were very confused. One had lost her speech and howled all night. I could not get to the bottom of her distress. Another lady was 45, with a dense left side. She hallucinated all night. She believed we were on a train and her children were sitting in the carriage with her. She was so loving and kind interacting with her ‘children’ I was nearly moved to tears. I only hope she does not get struck down by COVID and makes it out of here. 45 is so young. The other lady slept until the morning so at least she is settled. I chatted to one of the health care support workers who had looked after a patient on this ward last week. She found out by returning here the patient tested COVID positive and has been moved to a COVID ward. No one in the NHS has contacted her to follow up her exposure – 11 hours with no protective equipment. She feels we are being left as sacrificial lambs. I tell her all we can do is eat and rest well in between shifts. I’m sure the stress is killing off health care workers. I woke up around 1pm and my partner had a melt down. He’s gone to stay at his mother’s for a few nights (empty house). Honestly, I’m relieved. So far we have not found a strategy for de-escalating his stress when it rises or his mood crashes. Pharmacology helps in the short term, but there is very little support for this type of thing out there.

Anyway, an uno tournament and film marathon with the kids is a nice afternoon evening. They didn’t see our row (in the shed) and are used to him going up his mums so its not a disruption to them. 04.04.2020 Another day, more homework. After doing all the schooling, I work on my assignment (painfully slow!). We went for a nice walk, all social distancing observed as Government mandated. I can’t face the supermarket so Pizza Hut it is. The kids are happy because they are sick of my cooking, and I feel guilty as it’s creating a market so people are in work when they should be at home. I had a catch up with two friends on the phone. Both are sewers and are creating masks and equipment for the NHS and Social Care. They are both so kind & talented. Both are coping really well and I worry for both of them as they have significant underlying health issues. They aren’t too worried – both have got this isolation thing down to a t. Once the kids are sick of Uno they shuttle off to their respective rooms and I keep plugging away at my homework. I completely forget about the pandemic when I’m immersed in this. 05.04.2020 Caught up with both my Nan’s on the phone today. They have both survived a war so they aren’t worried about this virus. All necessary precautions are being taken. I love their attitude, pure resilience. My partner came home today – he’s very tearful and sorry. I tell him not to worry and to keep calm. He plays with the kids all afternoon in the garden, watches their Youtube choices (God love him, there is some boring stuff on there). By the time I cook lunch, there is not much time left as I’m off to work tonight. I did catch up on Russell Brand podcast today. Love Wim Hof, going to subscribe to his breathing course from Monday. He sucked me in with ‘who profits from you being a blob?’, I thought yeah no more blob life for me!! 06.04.2020 Worked last night on an elderly mental health word. No Covid, but several flu patients. I know my flu vaccine is out of date this month so am not happy. Usually, flu protection includes a blue gown and facemask with plastic visor to protect your eyes. Not anymore. No blue apron. Two boxes of masks were provided to the ward. They do not fit our faces so they are flapping open around our cheeks (totally defeats the purpose). Apparently, the ward sister was informed by a manager these two boxes of masks is all their going to be supplied with, so make them last. The patients are wandering into one another’s rooms, beds and office. The staff are upset as an ex-colleague and her husband are both on ventilators in ITU. It feels very ominous. Can only hope they pull through. The staff are frightened, but we manage to have a bit of a laugh. One of the girls thinks she has had COVID. When she phoned Public Health Wales she was advised she couldn’t have a test as only A&E and ITU are considered front line roles. Sod the rest of us, eh. Watched films with my son all afternoon. We have laughed and the virus seems far away again. It’s on the news Boris is in Hospital. No one can take their mortality for granted. Started the Wim Hof method. I felt awake and immersed during this. Believe this will give me a boost so am going to stick with it. The cold showers though – that’s going to take some work!

07.04.2020 Can’t believe how nice the weather is. We were supposed to be in a caravan in Devon this week, every time I’ve stayed in a caravan in UK its rained ¾ of the time. This week would have been glorious. None the less, I make the most of it here. Snuck out for two walks today. There are beautiful pink blossom trees in the street, I have a moment looking at them and I feel very grateful to be in this moment. My son tells me to get a move on, I’m looking weird staring at the trees, but I just can’t help it. Kids spent most of the day facetiming their friends, so I get on with some work. I’m finding it so hard to focus. Everything I read makes me read more, and more, and more, until I’m not sure what I’ve read. I know I should just focus on finding the info I need to answer the question, but it keeps going wrong. I’m not stressed about it though, it’s just one of those things. 08.04.2020 Had an uno tournament with the kids, they bickered all the way through. I think they’re both bored. I drag it out as long as I can, cos once those computers are on I won’t get them off it. Usually I’m a news junky, but I’m avoiding it at the mo. I have a quick scan of the headlines and only read my favourites – Suzanne Moore (followed her a long time, noticed her word count has dropped, probably getting cabin fever), John Crace – just funny, funny, funny, and Marina Hyde – funny, funny, funny. Partners doing ok, he is pottering, and chatting to all and sundry on the phone. I venture out to the Supermarket. God, I hate queueing. I can’t help but smile at the people wearing face masks and pulling them down to have a cough! Have a more productive day on the schoolwork front even though I only spent an hour or two on it. I think I try too hard. 09.04.2020 It’s a funny day today. The weather is beautiful, so I sit in the garden a lot. The kids are bickering 24/7. I try and get them to spend time with me, but their irritable and bored. I offer to go for a walk with them, but they refuse, they give me a lecture on staying home and staying safe. While its counterintuitive, I don’t feel that strongly about staying home. I wouldn’t go out and sit around sunbathing or chatting but walking around is fine. I think this is because I know I’m headed to work for the best part of a week, I keep thinking I’ve probably been exposed anyway or have flu, or have a combination of flu, or something else h idden just waiting to kill me. It’s a secret but all health workers have hypochondria – they always tell other people not to panic, while secretly catastrophise the slightest symptom they experience themselves. It’s just one of those things. My partner is doing gardening today so as no one wants to keep me company, I take a trip to the supermarket out of boredom, do more course work, and plan places I’d like to visit when lockdown is over online (so sad, nice Pinterest page though). 10.04.2020 Phone my family as its Good Friday. Everyone is ok. My nan is more worried about Harry and Meghan than covid. That literally took all day, they have talked my ears off (or have I talked theirs – hard to tell we are a family of talkers). Off to work tonight.

11.04.2020 Worked on a Covid ward last night. I was nervous when I turned up, but the professionalism of the staff eased my fears and it didn’t take long to settle in. Confident team work made me feel safe and the patients had a high quality of care. One of the patients kept calling us in for a chat. They had lost their spouse a few weeks ago -60 years of marriage and no funeral. While you have to minimise your exposure, you can’t stop being there for people. I listened to them for a long time, once they started talking they couldn’t stop it was like a torrent. I appreciate moments like this, it’s not saving lives but its connection and I feel like I’ve helped. The staff were so lovely, they explained a lot about Covid and there was plenty of equipm ent. I’d work with that team again in heartbeat. I came home showered straight away, washed my hair three times before going to bed. I only managed to get three hours sleep. The sun is no fun for a nightshift worker. I don’t kid myself I’ll do anything useful, I sit in a lethargy before I go back to work tonight. 12.04.2020 Worked on a general (non-Covid) surgical ward last night. Longest shift of my life, loads of staff hardly any patients and there is only so much you can clean. Never had a shift like it. Never want to again either – I like being busy. I sit away from the other staff. They are young, flirting together and its not my type of conversation. I politely tell them I’m social distancing and offer them the odd cup of tea so they don’t think I’m a cow. Four hours sleep today -very lethargic. Watch Big Bang Theory reruns with my daughter – I can tell her heart is not in it, but she’s humouring me (Probably cos she is hinting for an £80.00 backpack). Back to work tonight. 13.04.2020 Worked on another general surgical ward. Same as the previous night, hardly any patients, cleaned the place top to bottom. Can only repeat I have never known it so quiet. I carry on social distancing, but the nurses I’m working with are so funny I have laughed 90% of the night. Had about 4 hours sleep today. Another afternoon watching the TV with my daughter. I let her choose today. I pay with the Kardashians. Her plan worked- I’ve ordered the bag. My son and partner are out on the bikes. They are both too fast for me, but its lovely to see them laughing as they go (they won’t laugh for long their too competitive, but that’s their issue). Back to work tonight. 14.04.2020 Worked on a general elderly ward last night. Staff there are in a completely anxious state over Covid. I feel a lot better having worked with it, and I can hold my colleagues fears in a way I couldn’t a few weeks ago. I feel like I’m giving free counselling for ¾ of the shift. Now I've accepted its droplet precautions not

airborne I feel I can cope. I keep reminding staff we can cope with droplet precautions we do it all the time. Not sure it’s working though. I’m not blasé about it, or underestimate the infection, but I feel we can look after each other through it with the necessary precautions. Again, there are hardly any patients, it’s the least work I have ever done. Apparently, it’s the same everywhere, everyone is (rightly) avoiding hospital. It’s a long shift. Managed to sleep until 3pm today. My son is waiting for me to get up, he found out about the bag I ordered my daughter and now it’s his turn for a tribute. He manages to get a few vbucks out of me, and I manage to get him to watch a couple of episodes of the middle with me. Its lovely outside so I watch him shoot basketball hoops for a few hours before work. With the sleep deprivation, long shifts and lack of anything going on I feel as if I have lost complete focus on day, time, anything. Feels a bit like a dream. 15.04.2020 Thank god, no work tonight. Last night shift on an elderly ward, quiet, nothing going on. Lovely staff though, had really interesting conversations which was a bonus to get paid for. The patients slept all night - it’s so weird, hospitals especially elderly wards are usually so busy and disruptive. I wonder if it’s the heat, fear, lack of visitors, but there’s just a subdued atmosphere over the building (apart from the staff laughing that is). I’m so glad to be off tonight. Problem is I’ve slept until 4pm so it’s going to be difficult to sleep tonight. 16.04.2020 Just as I thought, couldn’t sleep last night. Probably should have done some college work, but ended up starting Hadley Freeman’s book The House of Glass. It’s about her jewish family in Europe in the first part of the twentieth century. It’s so absorbing and moving. They are fully formed three -dimensional people, making their way through awful events and I’m hooked. I’m going to give it to my daughter when I’ve finished, to help her understand the horrors of the last century (and the parallels with this one are too close for comfort). So, I ended up sleeping in the early hours and we all slept in until midday. The kids loved it, but I don’t want them sliding into that habit. My partner is feeling a bit fed up, but he’s ok. I make him play uno (no one wants to play uno, but its either that or scrabble and my partner & daughter are dyslexic so think that’s a bad joke when I suggest it). Despite the lack of enthusiasm, but we end up having fun and play the game for hours. We have all lost contact with the outside world, and I am going to have to lift my news embargo soon just to stop us slipping off the edge of the planet all together. Back to work tonight. 17.04.2020 Moved to a Covid ward last night as it’s so quiet everywhere else. This is a different hospital to the last one so the set up is different. There is plenty of equipment and the staff I am working with are professional, and everyone works well as a team. The patients who are in are really vulnerable people, but they are doing

ok. They don’t communicate much and its difficult with the masks on to communicate clearly, but we manage. It was a busier shift, so it went a bit quicker. I fail a fit mask test, so I cannot enter the areas where there are aerosol procedures occurring. I support the staff going in as much as I can. As soon as they come out I offer drinks, it’s not much but it’s something (perhaps my version of the NHS clap). They are really in the thick of it. They have the full shebang on and it is boiling. You can see the risk to their health, as the tiredness and heat builds there is higher risk of not putting the mask on correctly during the course of the shift. One of the nurses looks so hot and tired I thought she was going to fall over at 4am. She managed to get through, but she said she is cutting back on her hours as she can’t sustain 40 hours of this a week. She said she’s cutting back to 20. Don’t blame her. It is so hot in the ward we are literally all dripping in sweat, but those nurses are even hotter. Its humbling to watch, and it stops you worrying about the little bit you’re doing. They feel sustained as they are having better results with the treatment, they are supervising than with what’s on offer in ITU. Whether it’s the treatment or these patients are not as sick, so they have a better chance of recovery, is beyond my knowledge. But this team are excellent. I was going to do some work today for Uni cos I’ve been off tonight, but my partner put the tiger king on. I was not going to watch it, thought it would be rubbish, but I COULDN’T LOOK AWAY. I kept saying ‘these are real people, these are real people’. Ended up watching a full seven hours. Speechless. 18.04.2020 Did a bit of work for Uni this morning. My partner enquired how much I had paid for my Wim Hof subscription, and I told him. They’ve all spent all day laughing at me, paying for ‘breathing’, I can’t even defend myself I only did the first week (shame!). Completed my weekly family phone calls as a distraction and am off to work again. Feeling happy cos everyone is well. 19.04.2020 Back on the same Covid ward as Thursday night. Not such a good atmosphere tonight. The staff I worked with were new to the ward and did not work well together – lots of bitching, lack of communication, just awkward. The regular team were working together and carried on with the same focus and dedication I had previously seen. The patients were ok, not very communicative. Don’t think I’d be very happy in their situation, so I try to be sensitive to them and not get on their nerves. I’m glad to get off this shift. There were two deaths (peaceful and family had been able to visit in the day) and a lot of bitching amongst half the staff and that’s not my thing. I don’t get involved in the bitching, and I don’t want to hear it either. Because I don’t respond to the bitching, they all leave me alone which suits me fine. Off work tonight. Had a good sleep until 3pm so we went for a walk with the kids on their bikes. I’ve threatened them all with a caravan holiday this time next year as the weather has been so glorious. I’ve also decided at the glorious age of 37 to apply for my nurse training. I’m thinking I’d like to be a health visitor. I bestow this revelation on my family, expecting something, they are bored of my plans and tell me to do what I want as I’ll probably want to be a train driver next week, and they spend a solid hour taking the mick, of all the jobs I’ve had and my various plans. I tell them my flexibility serves me well. I’ve started reading Camus The Plague. This maybe poor taste for some, but I think its masterful. I’m completely absorbed which means no Uni work tonight.

20.04.2020 Back to school routine. Up early with the kids. Managed to get them doing their work, but my son needs someone doing it with him all the time. He loses interest otherwise. My partner is in a very good mood and is cutting a hedge for his nephew at a socially acceptable distance. I watch ‘Reality Bites’ with my daughter. She thinks it’s pointless and it’s probably not the greatest film, but I enjoy the nostalgia. Feels a bit of a blur today. Back to work tonight. 21.04.2020 Worked my last shift for the next two weeks. An easy shift on general elderly ward. Patients were chatty then slept all night, staff were funny so we laughed. It went quite quickly and there are changes coming to staffing, and moving wards around, so I can’t see any of these nice shifts available in the future. Today is my last day before I hit my assignments hard. I’m finishing the plague first though in the garden while the sun is here. The kids have done their homework without any prompting today, and now they are glued to their phones with their friends. God knows how they would have coped without smart phones. 22.04.2020 I have spent all morning trying to teach my son, do my assignment, ventured to the Supermarket, cooked, trying to do my assignment, had a quick game of chess, trying to do my assignment, doing the washing, trying to do my assignment. Uni feels far away and I’m a bit disconnected. I’m going to have to focus. 23.04.2020 I can’t get my assignment to flow. It’s like writer’s block. If I were to have a conversation, I could talk all day about the topic, but I can’t write it down. Aren’t our brains strange? My partner tries to give me a pep talk, but I don’t respond because it’s getting on my nerves. I’m trying not to get frustrated as it wears off on others and it’s not fair. I have a break to help my son with his work, but I feel like a failure because a bit of nagging doubt is building in my mind about my capabilities. I have a break, and make my daughter watch the breakfast club with me (she wants a pair of levi’s so goes along with it). 24.04.2020 Much the same. Working on the essay, but I’m not happy. I do laugh when my partner calls it my masterpiece. If only! But I do get a bit more done today. I just need it to hang. I do the family phone calls and all is well. Still avoiding the news cos I get too involved in the politics and no one wants to hear me moaning about that. The kids are happy with their school work and socialising with their friends so all good. 25.04.2020

The kids are amusing themselves playing catch in the garden, and they’re getting on. Its lovely to see. I don’t want to interfere with their interaction, so pretend to read a research paper with two glasses of red wine before falling asleep in the garden. It’s the first drink I’ve had since Christmas so it doesn’t take much to get me tipsy. Luckily, my partner doesn’t drink (too many meds) so he takes over parenting. I don’t kid myself I’m doing any work this evening, I’m far too relaxed. I listen to a couple of podcasts and chill on my own which is nice. 26.04.2020 The uni deadline is looming, but I’m having a day off today. I know I have too much to do, but there is a hedgehog in the garden and we are all obsessed. We have spent most of the day watching the hedgehog, making a life history for him, named him ‘twiggy’, and making up some future plans for him. I realise how long it has been since anything at all has happened because this is not our usual thing. And the kids are off their tech all day watching the hedgehog. 27.04.2020 Hating my essay. Going around in circles. Helped my son with ratio’s and had a long chat about racism with my daughter. I am impressed, I can’t remember covering relevant topics when I did history in school. It was always the tudors or the industrial revolution, nothing relevant. She seems much more informed than I was at her age. I have tuned into the news for a change, and I think the cabinet have seriously aged in the last month. Handcock and Raab don’t look so relaxed these days. The world has changed, I saw the Trump video – disinfectant, put light into the body, this is surreal beyond the realms of my dark humour. I start thinking about the world at the minute and can’t help but think it’s the end of times. I just want to finish my qualification before it hits as I’ve dropped £7000 on it. 28.04.2020 Did uni work this morning. I’m completely unfocussed and cannot write what I want to. This feels like a vicious circle. The words are there but they’re stuck. So strange. Daughter has had some technical difficulties, so spent a few hours sorting her laptop out. Attended the Zoom lecture and that was helpful. I did feel more connected to Uni than I had for a long time and it did refresh my memory for a few things. Can’t think about my dissertation yet, that may tip me over the edge. 29.04,2020 Bit more work today. Schooled the kids. It’s weird this is the longest I have had off work in a long time. The hours just roll into one. I think it’s making me less productive. My partner’s father in law has fallen, broken his back in two places and is in hospital. He’s not a well man anyway so this is a crisis for his mother. He has spent all day running around to various places in the car as she does not drive. A bit of a nightmare, and stressful for them all. 30.04.2020

Partner is busy measuring things up in father in laws flat for the hospital (OT and Physio want to avoid community visits). Lots of running around going on. I remind him to take his time as his mood can dysregulate quickly. His tolerance for stress is very low. He says he will, but we’ll see. Still hate my assignment. I think there is enough there that I can turn into a piece of work. I’m going to do another assignment tomorrow, just to have a break from the subject matter and try something different. The kids have had a good day – my daughter is glowing after having high marks back from teacher and my son managed to finish his work early for some extra xbox time. But I didn’t argue as he has done the work. Interesting to note the Government does not advise coroners to brace PPE shortages in rulings about NHS workers Covid related deaths. Kier had better bring this up next week at PMQ’s. It only took a peak at the news and I’m off again (perhaps the lack of anger is why I’m struggling to focus – it’s supposed to be a motivating emotion???).

May 2020 01.05.2020 Still working on the assignment. Feels a bit like groundhog- day – assignment, eat, sleep, repeat. Not sure I am going to use much of what I’ve written today and this wouldn’t seem like such as waste if my qualification was in attachment theory, but its only one assignment. The kids are bored today, squabbling and missing outside company. I try and find out how they are feeling, but I’ve been warned ‘not to do psychology on them’ so think it’s best to give them some space. Absolutely disgusted reading details of Errol Graham’s inquest. Having worked in social housing and homeless services for 8 years, I know how this country treats vulnerable people, but surely this is another level of callousness. I’d like to know how ministers sleep at night, if people exist in their minds as fully developed conscious beings or as something ‘other’? So mad. 02.05.2020 More work on the assignment today. Did take a break to watch ‘Interview with a vampire’ with my Daughter today. Wow, can’t believe I did not notice the homoeroticism when I was a teenager watching it the first time. Can’t believe I was so naïve. My Daughter is going through a Tom Cruise phase, so can expect to watch a few more of these. I have no stomach for the news today, I’m still angry over the Errol Graham case yesterday. My partners father in law has gone slightly nuts in Hospital. His mum is in full drama mode and he’s getting sucked in. He’s driving around sorting out stuff and looking stressed all the time. I don’t think the full social distancing is being observed when he is with them, but I’ll have to ignore that for the time being. It feels a bit tense. My son won’t come and play anything with me. He is happy with his friends on the Xbox. I’m not sure it’s a good thing to not want to do anything other than the Xbox, but it’s tricky if they don’t want to spend time with you. Moral conundrums all around.

03.05.2020 Partner is looking really unwell today. White as a sheet, panic attacks and an absolute pain in the arse. He is taking the Diazepam but it’s not working. Really not sure what to do, there isn’t much help at the best of times, but now it’s non- existent. I encourage him to stay out of the way in the bedroom, and I take a walk with the kids. The kids bicker throughout and I’m distracted, so it’s not the best day. God I’m tired. 04.05.2020 Partner is still not well. My nan is on the phone by 7am, her TV has broken. Knowing the TV is her lifeline, I get to Tesco and visit to set it up. She’s not on broadband so it’s harder than it needs to be. Absolute pain, but figured it out in the end. My nan has no idea what lockdown is all about and I try to explain repeatedly, but now I’ve broken the rules she is even more confused. My nan does not have dementia, but she has always lived in her own world. I’m drained trying to explain it all to her and am glad to leave. I drive the long way home and am so tempted to go to the beach. I would love to put my toes in the sand for an hour in peace and quiet, but I can’t afford the fine. I go home and the kids are doing their homework. They don’t need my help, and I’m curious as to whether they are doing any work but decide to trust them. They don’t need me crowding them when they are bored and fed up. My partner has stayed in the bedroom today. His anxiety is very high and his mother is ringing constantly about her partner. Spoke to the GP who gave a lecture about using medication to mask a problem. Ask him how are you supposed to deal with a problem of interrelated bipolar and OCD when the treatment for one exacerbates the other and he’s still on an SSRI which he should be off by now? GP writes up lorazepam, which I go and pick up from the chemist. The GP is right, the underlying issues need to be addressed, but when people have chronic mental health it takes more than a calm app to relax you. The meds don’t work, but they never offer anything else. The outpatient clinic is not in operation so unless you attempt suicide there is nothing available. I feel exhausted, but keep trying to hold everything together. 05.05.20 Medication has finally sent my partner to sleep. I take the opportunity to work on my assignment and have finally scraped a full piece of work together. I don’t like the flow, it lacks finesse, but it could be because I am bringing different pieces of work together. Help the kids with some of their homework, and take them up the park on their bikes. Spend far more than an hour up there, but we social distance so the risk feels minimal. The kids are smiling and getting on so if I get a fine it will be worth it. 06.05.2020 Oh god, my partner’s awake and the anxiety beast is awake with him. He has multiple panic attacks and contacts the outpatient emergency team to see if they can offer anything different from the GP -nothing. Only tell him to change the times of his medication. Oh, and help himself with a meditation app, or online support group. I think we are way past a fucking online support group. Anyway, this is the boat we are in

so I try and calm him down often making things worse because I’ve used all my strategies this week. Mother in law keeps phoning, she thinks her partner has been OD’d on morphine in hospital. I try to explain to her how pain control works, how it builds up in the system it is not usually a huge dose, but she’s not listening. She’s got a fixation on the Hospital now. I can’t listen to her much longer -I’ve socially distanced from her for 10 years and that’s one lockdown I’m not breaking. I try to create a low stimulation environment in the bedroom, low lights and a fan on. During my research I read about how adults regulate infants emotions through touch, and I stroke his back using the method – this does help calm him, but my arm hurts after a while so I can’t do it all day. Spend the rest of the days with the kids, doing the homework and trying to pretend thigs are normal whatever that is. They know their Dad is unwell and we talk about it, but they aren’t worried so long as I look after him. Feels a lot on my shoulders. Also realised today, I have another three assignments due next week. I apply for an extension for the essay, no way I can manage it all. 07.05.2020 My partner is a bit calmer today. I start working on my second assignment due in next week. The kids finish their homework suspiciously early, but I try not to hassle them. I try to take a passing interest, so they know I’m paying attention. My daughter has developed a Ricky Martin obsession. She plays his greatest hits back to back all day. I find this a strange cultural reference, but she’s happy singing and dancing. At the end of the day I realise she has stopped playing the music, but all I can hear in my head is Ricky Martin on repeat. 08.05.2020 Another day working on my assignment. The kids seem busier with their work too, so I wonder if they are catching up on their work from earlier in the week. They need space to make errors under lockdown. It must be like ‘big brother’ for them under the constant guise of their mother. I buy them a take- away as I need to crack on with the project and can’t face the super- market. I can’t stand the queuing, the arrows, the walking back to the beginning of the store if you can’t find what you want, the face masks. I feel like I’m in a dystopian society and I’m a prototype Stepford wife. That may be a bit on the dramatic side, but I guess all the extra domestic labour isn’t a choice and it stimulates a feeling of resentment -followed by guilt-followed by submission cos you are going to do it all anyway. I’ve always enjoyed cooking, but its more something I’ve done for pleasure. Planning three meals a day everyday and its accompanied cleaning up is a job in itself. I understand why all the stay at home mums were on some type of benzo during the 50’s-70’s. Mother’s little helpers -saviours more like. Anyway, I emancipate myself from this today with the power of just eat and a debit card. Off to work tonight. This is the longest I have been off for over three years (thank you Student Finance Company), but now I need to go back. Think the change of scene will do me some good too. 09.05.2020

Worked on an elderly ward last night. People are no longer talking about COVID – everyone is used to it. The PPE is available and we are all using it. All the staff are fed up and seem to be having issues in their personal lives. I think the lockdown is inevitably creating pressure and the fractures in your relationships with the people you live with are bound to pushed. The shift feels like a group counselling session. People are sharing compulsively and more than they usually do. The poor patients -I’m sure they can hear a lot of this so god knows what they think about the people who are caring for them! Slept until about 2pm. Got up and started to read Circe (Madeline Miller). This is very unwise, I’m immediately drawn in and I’ve got a lot of work due in but I can’t stop reading it! My partner is OK, quiet but I like him like that sometimes. 10.05.20 Worked on an elderly mental health ward last night. It was hard going, but the staff nurse I worked with is really lovely and I learnt a lot from her. I couldn’t work in that environment all the time. I felt a bit emotional as some patients I have cared for on general wards are on this ward and they are clearly deteriorating. There are no visitors and I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse in these circumstances. Got up around 3pm. Sent in my first assignment and finished off the second. Kids are talking to their friends all day, partner is moving beds around so his father in law can discharge himself from hospital. I know it’s a Sunday, but everyday feels like a Sunday now. 11.05.20 Uni gave me an extension for one of my assignments. I’m very grateful. I’m struggling to motivate myself to do my final two assignments. I feel so tired. I hide from the work with Circe, its sucked me right in. Between the reading, cooking and cleaning I don’t do much else today. Ricky Martin is blasting from upstairs (I wish she’d do that more quietly, what will the neighbours think?!), but the kids seem relaxed. They are spending time in their rooms, they need their ‘space’. My partner doesn’t seem right, but I’ve not got the energy for any more drama, so I ignore it and keep things surface level with him. His mum and her partner have moved back to her house so he can’t escape up there now. Oh well, nice while it lasted. 13.05.2020 Having wasted a day, I now have 48 hours for the next assignment (and have done bugger all for it). I am procrastinating, going for a walk, going to the supermarket, avoid, delay distract (a bit like those Eton boys in charge of us). Eventually I start around 3pm. I open up a spreadsheet of data and realise I have forgotten what it all means. I do the best I can with the literature reviews, structure and I think my conclusion is ok. Shame about the data in the middle! If I can achieve 50% I’ll be happy. Manage to do half today and will finish the rest tomorrow. 14.05.2020 I had a zoom interview this morning for a place on an adult nursing course. My application was impulsive; I had no desires or plans for nursing, I keep ending up in Hospitals and my mum told me to get real about my employment prospects after this Masters. I thought she is right, there aren’t going to be any think tanks

looking to snap me up in Autumn and with another recession around the corner (or already here? I’m too disgusted with the Government to look at the news) it might be best to look for something with stability. The interview came through quite late and in completing my course work, have not given it much thought. I have technology – face time, video calls. I find it all an ordeal. Maybe because I can’t hide or exude warmth in my body language, I generally use to build rapport. Despite my misgivings, the interview went well. I really liked the interviewer and feet we had a real conversation. I’ve got another interview next week for an alternative uni, but if offered a place I’m going to pick this one just because I liked her (I’ll be buggered if she’s not one of my tutors!). Cracked on with the assignment after this. Despite knowing I’m bullshitting at best the numerical parts of it, I actually enjoyed writing this one. Started the second question, and my sense of calm drained when I looked over my interview data and realised the themes were not areas I had covered in my studies and I had no research on to hand. Talk about learning a lesson on the challenges of quantitative research! So I stayed up all night until 7am getting it done. I can’t believe I am still doing this at my age! I have no idea what I’ve written as I’m too old and wired - I don’t have the sharp cognitive capacity for this. Anyway, I handed it in and will have to make my peace with it. My daughter enjoyed teasing me about being irresponsible leaving it to the last minute. I told her I agree – learn my lesson. Off to bed now. 15.04.2020 I had an offer from my interview yesterday – so much quicker than I thought it was going to be. I feel pleased. I have spent most of my adulthood looking for and rejecting numerous career pathways and now it will be good not to have so much flexibility. I am exhausted after the frenzy of assignment writing, and disappointed I don’t feel I’ve done as well as I should. The big lesson I have learnt is part time at this level would be a better fit for me. I want to get into too much depth, I need time to think and I’m not as quick as I was ten years ago. I would definitely do another course again, but one unit at a time. I watched IT 2 with my son before going to work. I had my reservations, but he wasn’t scared as we watched it. It was nice to get him off the Xbox for a couple of hours. I love Stephen King, I read all his books as a teenager. Without him I don’t think I would have ever learnt to read properly. 16.04.2020 Worked on a surgical ward last night. It was quiet, and the staff were very cliquey so I was the outsider for the shift. I cleaned, wore my mask and kept to myself. Been a long time since I heard so much bitching (about other staff). But they’re young. Covid is just a part of working life now. Unless I’ve come across the odd person who has avoided it, nobody really talks about it. A new set of procedures is in place to boost the Government swab statistics (anyone with a temp 37.4 or above – that’s everyone its bloody boiling). We all wear masks all the time, it’s the new normal. I think it helps that a lot of staff have had it and recovered so that reassures people it’s not necessarily a death sentence. However, across the country too many staff have died so you can’t be complacent. I get up and do the super market run and cooking before I’m back off to work. 17.04.2020

Another night on the same ward. Different set of people, same amount of bitching. Absolutely toxic culture. I feel far removed from that frame of mind, there has got to be more to life than tearing other people down surely? The staff are difficult to work with, unsurprisingly no team- work or communication. I go and clean a cupboard for some peace and stay in there for a good hour after I’ve finished – give them something to talk about. There are hardly any patient’s in, it’s quiet. I slept til 4pm today. I bribe the kids into playing Uno and watch some mountain men rubbish with my other half. I read the new statesmen, cos I need a little bit of analysis. Another quiet day. 18.05.2020 My second nursing interview today. It went well, but I didn’t like this tutor as much as the first one so that confirmed my decision (he spoke at me quite a lot which was off putting, I don’t need mans-planning, I’m out in the Hospitals I know what is going on). Lots of the temporary shifts are drying up due to the students being deployed to the wards in the absence of the field hospitals opening. This could be a problem for me, but there is no point panicking about something that hasn’t happened. My daughter is fed up today, so we go for a long walk. It must be so boring for teenagers -all you want then is any type of life to happen. I feel for her. That was the excitement of the day, I’m taking it easy this afternoon as I’m back to work tonight. 19.05.2020 Worked on a COVID ward last night. The staff were really lovely. It ended up being quite busy because of all the elderly confused patients. Very difficult getting your PPE on quickly and stopping an elderly person falling or climbing into bed with another patient. We got through it though and everyone was safe. I should start my final essay today, but instead spend most of the afternoon rowing with my other half in the shed. We always go to the shed to row. We think the kids can’t hear us, but they probably spy on us. Kids always do. It’s one of our old rows and it goes on for ages. I’m in too much of a self- righteous pout to do anything this evening, so I cook tea and finish my book instead. 20.05.2020 Spent most of the day on the phone catching up with family. I’ve been a bit slack keeping in touch so this passes a few hours. I chill with the kids watching their pick of You Tube videos. I have now seen Ricky Martin’s career flourish from boy band member to King of Latino pop, and am pretty sure if I go on Mastermind, he will be my special subject. Back to work tonight. 21.05.2020 Back on the elderly care ward. Quite a boring night. Finished settling the patients early and we all socially distanced. I think the patients slept as the staff were so quiet.

I slept until 13:30. I feel a bit foggy, so submit to another afternoon watching Ricky Martin hits on repeat while my daughter does her best efforts imitating J-LO dances. Hmmmmmm...She’s not quite there but I’m too tired to fight for something else to watch. Back to work tonight. 22.05.2020 One to one care last night for a post -operative lady with delirium. It was ok, she responded well to me (despite not sharing the same psychological reality). It’s hard in those situations communicating with the mask on, but somehow, we managed. I’m supposed to be starting my assignment today, but my daughter and I start watching Reckoning on Netflix and one episode leads to another. I’ll start tomorrow. 23.05.2020 I’m so bored. I want to go to the beach, a café anywhere. I started my assignment research today. I was very pleased with myself, I made notes with stickies and everything. Went food shopping, cooked, cleaned, bored, bored, bored. We are all bored, bored, bored. Carried on with Reckoning. Its ok, not great but a different telling of the same old story. My daughter and I discuss the fetishizing of females as homicide victims. We are both deeply uncomfortable but keep watching the programme cos we want to see where it goes. My other half goes to spend some time with our son – he hates the feminist talk, he feels like he’s being held responsible for the sins of all men, for all times. I tell him to check his privilege. Speaking of privilege – Dominic Cummings. ‘Nuff said. 24.05.2020 Spend all morning engaging in the twitter-verse reading all the lefty comments. Irvine Welsh is probably my favourite and most corrosive. Can’t believe I’m agreeing with everything Piers Morgan is saying these days. Remember when we all laughed at President Trump’s bleach comments? It feels so long ago. I phone my friend this afternoon after she sent me a cryptic message. Turns out she is in Hospital with Covid. I haven’t seen her for ages and she is terrified. I just listen and offer reassurance. She has three autistic (adult) children and is always worried about what will happen to them if anything ever happens to her. What a nightmare. Had my two offers on UCAS and picked the uni from the first interview. Can’t believe I’m going to study for another three years, but it can’t be as hard as this so not worried. 25.05.2020

Worked on a surgical ward last night. None of the staff are bothered by the Dominic Cummings thing, cos everyone is having a transgression here and there. I bite my tongue, it maybe hypocritical but after what that lot have done to this country through Brexit, welfare reform, exploiting and promoting xenophobic/racist/imperialist fears and divisions, I’m glad to see them suffer a bit of scrutiny. Cummings vulgar display of power in the rose garden, while giving a series of lies in a story format, its beggars belief. We really live in a post truth world and that frightens me more than anything. Rationally there really was never any truth, just the ability of power to control the narrative, but still. 26.05.2020 Another night doing one to one. Same patient. Managed to keep her safe again and she was looking a bit better, and more coherent. Really need to start my assignment today but decide to finish Reckoning with my daughter. It was ok -didn’t like the ending but maybe that’s life. 27.05.2020 Oh my god the assignment is due in Friday and I am majorly behind. Spent this morning playing jenga with the kids while I could get him off the Xbox. I start writing but realise I haven’t got enough material so continue with the reading. The day flies by and feels the same as all the rest. My partner is trying to pick a fight with me because he is feeling neglected. I am trying to avoid him because he is hassle. Talk about a negative feedback loop. 29.05.2020 Get up at 6am yesterday and started my assignment. A quick snack and a take- away and I finish this morning at 8am. I’m way too old for this type of thing. I’ve managed to send it in this morning and if I fail will have to resubmit. Definitely a crude piece of work but I can’t churn out 4000 words easily. I’m having a week off now before planning my dissertation. 30.05.2020 Worked last night on a new medical admissions ward. Hard work. Patients are generally alcohol dependent, very ill and very demanding. Felt like I worked like a dog. Did 16000 steps according to my phone. Absolutely knackered and have been allocated there all weekend. A quick glance at the news and America is on fire. The video of George Floyd was sickening. His poor family, I can’t imagine what his mother felt hearing and seeing that. WTF is wrong with people? Where can this lead to? 31.05.2020 Shift last night was the same as the previous – knackering. I’ve never sweated so much, I had to give myself a wash half -way through. It is night- time and so hot, I don’t know how the girls are managing in the day. My partner is making an effort to be kind and has contributed to the house which is a nice change. As

a feminist it should be 50/50 but we can’t always get life to align with our principles. I’m back on the same ward tonight, and am not looking forward to it. It’s a right slog. The protests have turned more violent and I feel for the bravery of the Black Lives Matters groups protesting the mass murder of black men and women in America. I read the presidents twitter comments and think, can people in this country really think we will be better off dealing with this psychopath than the EU? Do people really believe the myths and all that WW2 bs? Or is there something else going on? Is it a rejection of the Establishment itself? I can’t see it being that as the Tories won a clear majority at the election. I can’t think about this too much as its out of my control, but I worry about the world my children are growing up in.

June 2020 01.06.2020 Black Lives Matters protests have kicked off all over the states. My son is upset about some racist footage he has seen on Tik Tok, and we have a long discussion about racism, its different forms, justice and injustice. My son has a mellow nature and has been fortunate to be treated fairly by most adults throughout his life, so he has a hard time understanding how these issues occur and the unfairness of life (an example of white privilege?). One thing I love about kids is how they have an innate understanding of right and wrong, and he immediately grasps how intersectionality of characteristics can compound and enhance discrimination. Another thing about talking to kids and reducing issues to their fundamentals, is it highlights the limitations of my own knowledge. I realise how long it’s been since I’ve read any texts about racial discrimination or black people’s experience and immediately order a load of books to get more informed. While I’m waiting for my order, I’ve cracked open Sister Outsider, it’s been a few years, but Audre Lorde is timeless. We don’t do much today aside from watch the news, twitter and tic tok. The protests feel so important, we’ve all forgotten about the virus. I’m boycotting our Government and their daily briefing – they just lie, and the lack of effort in effective lying is just insulting. I have had a bit of a high today as I had a distinction for my essay I slaved away over for weeks. I was so chuffed! Yes, it might have been at the expense of my other course work, but I am over the moon. 02.06.2020 Another day watching the protests. I’ve signed every petition that comes through my email supporting black lives matters, and investigations into deaths during police detainment. We’ve followed this all day, so not much else going on today. The dignity of the protesters is inspiring. I’m very suspicious about social media (I watched the Secret Life of Silicon Valley a few years ago – excellent documentary, but turned me into a complete technophobe/luddite), but in times of social unrest it’s a powerful tool to hold authorities to account.

Had another distinction for my second assignment which I am over the moon about. Funny though, my course work felt so important a few months ago, but now not so much. When you are watching people fighting for the right not to be murdered for their skin colour, none of the other stuff feels very relevant. My daughter is watching a documentary about Jeffrey Epstein. I start watching it but I’m not up for any more terror today. I’m glad she’s watching it as despite the wealthy context the type of grooming he engaged in is quite common. I’m sticking with Audre Lorde instead. 03.06.2020 Another day watching the protests. My partner and I have a good chat today and he is contacting an outside agency for support with his Bipolar. They can organise a mentor, but it’s all going to start after lockdown. I agree with him as I would not want to talk about personal things with a stranger online. We are not of that generation. We are getting on well again. We laughed for hours today watching After Life 2. The first episode with the lady in the residential home has had me crying all day – that is me to a t. I try to get the kids to play a game of cards but they’re not having it. They are facetiming their friends all day, and I can hear them laughing so leave them to it. They assure me they have completed their school- work so I will trust them. 04.06.2020 Worked last night on an elderly care ward. It was so hot, but there were only six patients, so it was quiet. The staff I worked with were really lovely. I had a long chat to an Asian colleague about the differences between the UK and Philippines mental health provision. Fascinating conversation, I was so interested into their insights. They explained how they thought people in this country can’t seem to handle their problems and they felt this had rubbed off on their spouse who has periods of depression/stress since moving here. I would love to look into this further, but it was an organic conversation and I have to be careful not to overstep the boundaries. The patients are really low, and I think the lack of visiting is contributing to this. I try to have a bit of a chat, but they aren’t very engaged. In fact, one turns their hearing aid off, so I take that as a sign to do one! It must be so difficult for them. They have all been in hospital for weeks. Haven’t done much this afternoon, watched an episode of The Keepers on Netflix with my Daughter. Bloody harrowing stuff. Quickly scanned the news and now I’m off to work again. 05.06.2020 Work was ok last night. A busy medical ward. It flew by. My nose is really irritated by the masks we wear most of the shift. Someone said the fibres are coming out of them and that causes the itching. I don’t know but I have red marks across the bridge of my nose and my ears. Had results back for another assignment. 62 and 58 which was much better than I was expecting. I’m so relieved to have passed. I found a load of condensation mould behind my daughter’s bed today, so have scrubbed it all down with bleach, but the stains are still there. Ugh!

Watched a few episodes of The Keepers. Again, the bravery of the women who are investigating the story and the victims of the perpetrator is breath-taking. Cannot imagine how much strength it has taken for these women to come forward to tell their stories. And shame on the authorities who collude with the Church to cover up these crimes and supress the rights of survivors. Hard to believe this has happened, but also not. I fight my urge not to become 100% cynical person, suspicious of everything, but it’s so bloody hard not to when you look around. Can things be different? I’d like to think we can build a more just society but it’s hard to envisage when Governments blatantly lie, cover-up and screw people they perceive to be unimportant or powerful. Look at the way they sent patients back to the care homes when they knew they were infected. A large number of avoidable deaths, to which no one will be held accountable. Cummings testing his eyesight, the spectator BBQ a few Tories attended just to name a few cases of elitist exceptionalism. When I’m in the supermarket, apart from the queue outside it feels as if social distancing is off. Everyone keeps doing their own thing. Perhaps that is the plan. Lower the fear factor and get everyone back to work. 06.06.2020 Worked a day shift today on a COVID ward. 12 hours of being absolutely boiling! I worked with a wonderful African Nurse, who was wonderful with the patients. I thought with the research about BAME risks and COVID they may have shown some reluctance or fear. She showed none whatsoever. So brave. The patients were a bit of fun too. They must be starting to feel better as we had a bit of banter and a laugh all day. They told me I looked like a murder victim cos my hair went nuts with sweat, cheers! Absolutely knackered. 07.06.2020 So tired I slept from 21:00 last night until 13:00 today. I feel so good. My partner and the kids have been out for a walk and are in high spirits. They inform me there is zero social distancing going on and my son is very worried about people catching the virus. I tell him he can only worry about maintaining his own safety. I’ve quickly made another salad (everyone’s groaning – they’ve had salad all week, but it’s easy and my daughter is vegan so the alternative is to make two separate meals every time and that nearly drove me nuts last month so salad it is). We finish The Keepers and I feel heavy hearted that people have suffered so much. My daughter thinks all organised religion is a front for sex offenders. While I tell her not everyone involved will be like that, offenders are present throughout all levels of society, I’m not sure that’s any more comforting. So difficult to have these discussions. 08.06.2020 Worked last night on a stroke ward. The patients were fab, but two were really young. We are seeing an increase in young people with strokes and its frightening. It was much cooler last night (thank god). I’ve ordered paint to sort out the stains in my daughter’s room.

I was supposed to start looking for a topic for my dissertation today, but I’m reading last week’s New Statesman instead. Never mind. There was a piece about the Peak in London by an ICU consultant and its one of the best pieces of writing about the pandemic I have read. I choose not to work in ITU environments as the low stimulation environment makes me feel as if it’s God’s waiting room, and it freaks me out. Medical/surgical wards are a high stimulation environment: noisy, over lit, lots of movement. When you deal with emergency situations or care for dying patients, there are lots of distractions to stop you ruminating on it and pulls you back into the ward routine. There is no distraction in ITU. I thought the piece captured that beautifully. 09.06.2020 Spent the day on the phone to family and friends today. Everyone is bored, safe and well. My partner is busy organising his mother’s house so his father in law can come home. It is earlier than the Doctor’s recommendation, but it’s what he wants. Went for a walk this afternoon with my Son. He had to photograph and write about 4 birds for his homework. Wow, can’t believe how challenging it is to capture animals on camera. Full respect to wildlife photographers everywhere. It was nice though and we were both immersed in the activity. I really appreciated this, as its difficult to engage him (willingly, without guilt) in activities beyond the Xbox. 10.06.2020 Worked a day shift today. Ended up doing a one-to-one with a patient with Alzheimer’s who was at risk of falls. The shift went ok. I spent most of the day chatting to the patient in the next bed, who was desperate to talk to anyone about anything. The ward was really busy, so the staff didn’t have time to stop. The day flew by. I did shed a few tears when I overheard a patient in another bed on the phone to his daughter. He has a suspected ischemic bowel and the surgeons explained they can have an operation but the chances of surviving after surgery are low. Listening to the patient say his goodbyes to their Daughter in the middle of a ward with just a curtain around them, felt wrong (like an intrusion into their intimacy). I managed to not fall into a flood of tears, but I was moved. The difficult part of working in a transient workforce is you don’t know what happens to people unless you bump into them again somewhere else down the line. I was also touched by the sensitivity of the Doctors who had the conversation with the patient and the Daughter, explaining a very grim situation with such compassion. It’s difficult to do in person, but it must be so much harder to do the phone. God I’m emotional today! 11.06.2020 Saw the Edward Colston statue being pulled down by protesters in the news. Bloody brilliant. People have petitioned the council for years over that statue, so it is in the river where it belongs. I fully support the protests but am worried about COVID. I suppose so long as people avoid the vulnerable people in their lives it’s their risk to take. I’ve signed loads of petitions on line supporting BLM, renaming or removing statues/streets, the incorporation of black history into the school education system, and the implementation of Government recommendations from reports investigating institutional racism in this Country. I only hope this all translates into policy and the monitoring of its implementation otherwise this will all be forgotten once people can start shopping and we all become consumer-slaves again.

Didn’t do much else today -far too much going on in the news. The kids are engrossed into it as well, so it’s dominating the day. My partner is fixing our fence – he is quite happy doing this, he finds it calming. 12.06.2020 Worked last night. Nothing really happened. There were loads of us on, the patients were stable and slept so we were tripping over one another. Woke up late today but had to go and photograph trees with my son for his school- work. We really enjoyed the walk, but the streets are busy and there is not much distancing going on. Chatted to my friend who had COVID and she is doing much better. She has obviously had it for months and is still having symptoms. I don’t think it’s a 7 -day incubation and over it infection as the government would have us believe. 13.06.2020 Worked on a medical ward last night. It was ok. Quiet again. Too many staff on. I try to socially distance and sit on my own when we have a quiet spell. The other staff don’t and they think I’m over the top, as it’s a ‘clean’ ward. There seems to be a switch in culture over the past week, where staff don’t seem to be worried about COVID. I find that strange as its still present in the communities and a few cases in the Hospitals. I’m not taking my mask off until there is a vaccine, particularly in work where lots of staff have caught it previously. Nothing much going on at home today. I’ve read half of Mark Lanegan’s autobiography. A gruelling experience of addiction, and I think honest. I loved all the grunge bands when I was growing up, and this book pulls the curtains back on what their experiences were really like as opposed to musical journalists. Kids are in a good mood, and the paint has turned up so I need to start paining soon. 14.06.2020 Wasted a day in my garden sunbathing and looking at Twitter. Finished my book (a happy ending -ish) and chatted to the kids about places we would like to go on holiday too one day. Lost a full day, but feel very relaxed. Pottering in the garden and fixing the fence has done my other half a lot of good and he is very relaxed this week. All good. 15.06.2020 Working tonight so had a lay in today. Downloaded Murder in the Outback off All4 and watched with my Daughter and partner. We all had different theories but agreed JL looked shady and the guy who did it deserves a retrial. It is scary out there! Makes you want to stay in your bubble. Still living off salads, but its reduced my stress levels so its everyone’s cross to bare! 16.06.2020 Worked on an elderly mental health ward last night. I ended up doing a one-to-one (they call this ’levelling’), and I really enjoyed it. The patient was up most of the night, but I managed to build a rapport

and we got on quite well. The shift went fast, and I felt like I did a good job. Met two support workers who work for a well -established agency and they stated their agency is closing in August. I was shocked by this as health care agencies don’t tend to close (they make plenty of profit and usually have an endless market). The ladies are gutted. They are both in their fifties and thought they had found the jobs they would finish off their working years with. They are very skilled care workers, excellent with patients. I ask them if they would retrain or apply for the NHS trusts. Neither want to do nurse training as they feel they are ‘thick’, but really are not confident with computers and this is their fear in re-joining the employment market. I asked why the agency is closing and they said the owner had attended meetings which had made him believe this would not be financially viable in the future. I think COVID has delivered a change of course for health boards, there are lots of staff, not many patients and lots of building work going on at multiple sites so there won’t be the level of dependency on agencies as previously. The care sector is undergoing a similar set of circumstances. It would be a loss if skilled experienced care workers are lost during this time. 17.06.2020 I was booked on the same elderly mental health ward last night but ended up being moved to another ward. It was very chaotic, worked without a handover and the staff nurse seemed a bit out of her depth. Once everyone was settled into bed the rest of the shift went smother and I was able to get more of a grip on what was going on. One patient did become a bit aggressive in the early hours, but we were able to de- escalate the situation and by the morning they were completely sweet! They went a full 360 from throwing hangers at us in their room to hugging us off and telling us to visit again soon. That’s what I enjoy about mental health work, you never know what you are going to get. I’m resting today as I’m gearing up for the painting tomorrow. 18.06.2020 Spent the day painting my Daughter’s room. A full day job, but it looks lovely in there now. First time I have painted a room myself and feeling proud. My other half offered to help but we decided it was for the best if I do it alone to avoid arguments. I can attest that Ronseel Anti-Mold Paint is not for drinking. While giving a rigorous redition of “love song’ by The Cure I sprayed a load of paint into my mouth and I’m shuddering just thinking about it! Logged onto the uni website and I passed my last essay, so I’m really pleased (I don’t think the tutor was – I scrapped a 60 and there was plenty of writing all over it! Never mind, that’s what happens when you do things last minute). I’ve had a list of things I need to do for my nursing course in September – Occupational health questionnaires, DBS checks, Bursary applications which I need to do this week. 19.06.2020 Spent the day doing the admin tasks for the nursing course and going to the Post Office to get everything sent off. Surprisingly this has taken most of the day and I’m off to work tonight. Partner has helped kids with homework today and they are all happy.

20.06.2020 Worked on the Respiratory ward last night. No Covid positive cases in the Hospital. They are very clean there and are vigilant for any new cases so it feels very safe. I was working with a few younger people and I felt very old listening to them talk. Comes to us all I suppose. I slept late today, so I haven’t got much time before I’m back into work tonight. 21.06.2020 Worked in Elderly Mental Health. Quite a quiet night. Really liked the staff who were on, and the patients slept most of the night. There was another HCSW on who was new so I talked her through a few of the terms, procedures and stuff you see in different wards. There is a lot of assumed/implied knowledge in Health Care, which can impact on people’s confidence when they show they don’t know. Not everyone takes the time to explain things to you. We went out for a long walk as a family today up some common land. It is pretty, not too many people so very relaxing. 22.06.2020 My son’s flat pack furniture turned up today from IKEA. It was ordered about three months ago but got here in the end. My partner and I put it up and it’s a full day job. He’s happy and we are aching all over. I hate to admit it, but I would never have managed it on my own. Looked like boxes of junk to me. I’ve ordered a take- away and I’m going to sleep. Aching all over. 23.06.2020 Government in England announced easing of lock down restrictions from July 4th. Let’s face it, it was all over after cumgate (my favourite twitter handle). I wonder if the restrictions are being lifted to stop people paying attention to the Governments record during the pandemic, BLM protests and the English counter protests (not sure what to call them, I call them racists, but the BBC go for counter protesters, hmm?). Overall, I think they want to get capitalism going again, get people distracted with Holidays, consumerism and Instagram posts. I accept I’m cynical. The people shielding must be terrified. Can’t imagine what it has been like for them being unable to leave their homes all these months. Quite a boring day today. Cleaning, eating, cleaning, bit of kid’s homework, sorting out stuff for the dump. Not quite boring, definitely bo-ring. 24.06.2020 Worked last night. Another Elderly Mental Health Ward. It was ok, patients quite settled. By the time I cooked tea and washed my uniform it’s time to go back in. Everyone in the house seems settled. 25.06.2020

Worked last night on a general medical ward. Previously this ward had been for suspected COVID patients, but it’s just general medical now. We still have to wear masks with patients, but not when in the office areas. I’m keeping mine on anyway. I think its more likely I would catch it from a colleague than the patients anyway. Most of the staff feel COVID is over unless another wave hits. I don’t feel like that yet. They are sitting together, talking closely, booking holidays abroad. It’s strange like a switch has gone off. I was on a COVID positive ward with positive patients two weeks ago, so I can’t adjust to this new attitude as swiftly. I sit as far away from the others as I can while still being on the ward! I’m going to remain cautious for the foreseeable. 26.06.2020 I was due to start looking for Dissertation topics today but have telephoned all relatives which has taken up much of the day. I then started Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez and am really enjoying. Played a couple of rounds of Uno with the kids, while my son’s friends are on Face time. I believe the phone will need surgical removal when he goes back to school. I feel my privacy is violated as there are always other kids present when he is in the room! The modern way. 27.06.2020 Found another cupboard of crap for the dump and have spent the day sorting it out. My other half has offered to take the stuff, so I’ve tried to bag up as much as I can to avoid him making multiple trips (I’m nice like that). The kids have tidied out their cupboards too, so we have had a good purge. Going forward I don’t want to keep purchasing crap. My daughter watches these zero waste Youtube videos and while I find it extreme it is the future. We can all do better. Weirdly it’s my son who will do the best at this. Beyond his computer and some clothes, everything he wants is virtual -vbucks, games, apps. Perhaps we’ll all make do with less in the future. I can’t start thinking about the impending climate emergency, the anxiety will make me ill. 28.06.2020 Worked on a medical ward last night. Had six confused patients in my bay so they kept me busy. Watching I May Destroy You on BBC. Really enjoyed the first few episodes so going to stick with it. My partner is really tired today and I think it’s worse because he is having very vivid dreams so doesn’t feel rested. I think that’s his anxiety rearing its head. I need to find a project for him. 29.06.2020 Worked on the same medical ward with the same patients as the previous night. Another busy night, but they were safe. I slept until 1pm and chatted to my Aunt for an hour on the phone. We had a gossip about Hospitals and different rumours we’ve crossed paths with. Information exchange. Went for another walk up the common which was windy, cool and refreshing. I’m avoiding the beaches after the pictures last week. No way I’m going to be around all those people. The psychology around lifting lockdown and the effects on young people must be interesting. They seem to go nuts in a crowd. I know I’m getting old cos it’s the mess they leave behind that annoys me. Bloody hell, perhaps I should do something quick! Clearly, I have

become too domesticated, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to want to be free. Anyway that’s life, so long as I don’t vote Tory I can live with myself. 30.06.2020 Emailed my dissertation supervisor with a topic yesterday and she advised me to make it a bit wider. I’m feeling happy though as I now have a plan and am going to get started on researching tomorrow. I have felt very disconnected from my Masters. I think the first essay absorbed so much of my attention I didn’t really grasp the wider aspects of the topic. I also think because my future plans have changed, the lack of volunteering with children have made it feel less relevant to me. However, I have enjoyed a lot of the modules and have a lot more confidence in my critical writing to take forward into my next qualification. God, I’m going to be the world’s oldest student! I need to focus and push forward to finish this off. Daughter and I are watching The Politician on Netflix. I like it a bit more than her, but she’s going along with it for me. I find it very funny. I’m trying to avoid murders, conspiracies and sex abuse rings at the moment. The world is dark enough. Both kids have had return to school- dates and they are going. My son can’t wait and has gone out for a ‘socially distanced’ walk with his friend this afternoon. I have to get them ready for the new world. My daughter is more stressed about it, but it will do her good to get out a bit. She’s going into her GCSE’s in September and I think it will do her good to get back into the school swing.