Corona Diaries

Ivy

“Personally, I think May and not April, has been the cruellest month, and to paraphrase TS Eliot, has mixed

“memory and desire”.”

Background Information

Female, aged 55-64, Psychotherapist, Pembrokeshire, White, Married, Three adult step-children.

March 2020

April 2020 – Dream log

1. Dreams of travel – getting on a train but missing it; anxiety about it being the last or only one; but then getting off and realising my handbag has gone with everything in it – passport, cards, cash etc I feel distraught – I cant go anywhere without my “identity”.

2. Dreams of leaving a hotel and packing – I have a large suitcase but keep finding more and more things – are they mine or my mothers? – shoes, makeup, clothes -but she’s left them behind or not yet left? I’m confused. The more I look the more I find and feel irritated – I’m going to miss my plane. I look at my watch as I’d planned to have enough time to just pack one last thing and go but it’s not possible – will it all fit?. Staff come to help me pack beautiful clothes and shoes – and it all just fits.

3. No dream but news last night of P’s friend who died aged 82 of covid in hospital in London. His wife also in hospital with it and very sick. She was also expected to die a few days ago but miraculously recovering now. Another friend, aged 60, has also been very ill in London for over two weeks and another friend’s brother, aged 56, all very disturbing and unexpected. Feel very distant here from this experience in cities, but nor from the sadness and shock. Life is strange now every day.

4. Dreams of shopping in some strange department store- looking form something but nothing specific. Also dream of our post going missing or fraud with our post. I tell local ‘volunteers’ to be aware.

5. Dream of sharing a room with others in a house – having to negotiate space and activities. Also, of meeting parents – first time living away from home as a university student? A sense of a narrator telling me I did well or made good choices. Am I telling myself this?? Feels like the first months in a new place and then having parents come and “approve or disapprove ’ of your life??

6. Dream of dinner with M in a private room of a fine restaurant. Lots of men and me – I’m the odd one out or the special one – feel both chosen and privileged but not relaxed. It’s expensive and wonderful food - but not great fun.

7. Dreams of A moving into my space which is not anywhere I know. No one explains why – maybe my parents organised it. At one point we meet L, her sister, in the street – they all seem to know about this arrangement. They’ve been to an event the night before that I wish I'd been to. A’s food in the fridge – lots of white crumbled cheese, fruit and biscuits- healthy and nurturing. She looks after herself.

8. My space has been ‘invaded’ – puppies, kittens, cats, dogs all under the bed with food rubbish and chocolate wrappers.

9. A strange “cultish” meeting. I’m there by accident. We are staying in a hotel and I go to get food from the restaurant and it’s full of people and it’s assumed I’m with them – so I stay. I’m curious. It’s some kind of pseudo psychology conference or spiritual meeting. I leave as people start to question me. I could convince them that I fit in, but it would be a sham.

10. Dream of being in Bali- but not my usual places. I go to exchange a drink and meet D and L – both happily surprised and stop to have a chat. We go to a shop and admire someone’s creative designs – cashmere hats and jumpers! I’m pleased D is travelling again and is excited. In another dream we’re driving off road in the desert and all kinds of strange creatures appear including snakes and pangolins, I hear this word in the dream. They’re on the front of the car and it’s dangerous but only I see this or know it?

11. A young man recommends books to me so I get all of them but later they are taken away except one which he helps me choose – he’s a tech wizard but not smart otherwise? People patronise him – a feeling of wondering who I should trust – my own feelings or others? I’m feeling unsure and vulnerable – I might be wrong.

12. Dream of pulling into a stranger’s drive to avoid his car parked in the middle of the road and blocking it. The driver appears in another car and pulls up drunk with a bottle of malibu beside him. Our driver comments and reaches in and takes the bottle and throws it into the garden. The drunk driver shouts at us for hurting his dog and then throws the dog into our car. Finally, we get away.

13. I’m left at a party after falling asleep – everyone I came with has gone and I can’t get a taxi so I either have to walk or stay, but I don’t want to walk as it’s too far and risky. The host’s girlfriend is friendly and doesn’t want him to give me a lift. Feeling that I’m in the wrong but it’s not fair – people should help each other, and my friends shouldn’t have left me. Feeling that I might have been flirting with someone which is why I was left behind. I wake up feeling wrong and guilty and then relieved it’s not true.

14. I’m at some kind of eco project – I’m new and no one knows what I do. They try and involve me, and I feel I have to pitch myself but don’t know if I want to. I’m a mix of unconfident and not caring and knowing it’s true of myself. I’m half tempted to be drawn in because it’s a good project but I’m not sure that I want to be involved.

15. I’m staying in a hotel off a grand station somewhere in Europe - maybe on a work trip in Stockholm or Vienna. I’m not sure of myself but it’s also exciting - possibly like my first year working in America. In the dream I wonder why people think I’m so good at my job – because I’m confident?

16. I’m trying to get somewhere – not enough time, lost, can’t make I – feel upset and angry. Vague undercurrents in the dream of my father being angry and moody – how it made us tense and we’d try to mediate or “please’ him. Something about being watchful or vigilant.

17. I’m in an audience with someone (Male) who I don’t know but they are pleased to see me and kiss my neck – I’m not pleased and yet wonder if I do know him and have forgotten. I meet C again (my old boss) but don’t like him now – full of himself, disinterested in anything except himself and having an audience.

18. I’m at the university and can’t find the right room for a new lecture. I was walking with C&D and en route to it but saw O and wanted to talk about P and hug her. By the time I’m done they have all gone and I can’t find anyone to ask the way. Finally, I find someone who checks and tells me where

to go but when I get there it’s the wrong room. I’m frustrated and fed up and there’s no point going now. I want to give up.

19. In the dream, someone tries to kill me. They seem nice and lure me to a deserted place by a river – a warehouse. No one is nearby. I manage to get away . I’m left feeling surprised rather than frightened.

20. Dream of a dark haired, good looking man who I start to go out with – lots of uncertainty, new experiences and fun, but gradually I realise I can’t be with him as I’m still with someone and haven’t told him. I’m ashamed and surprised – how had I forgotten. I wake up I’m feeling surprised too.

21. I’m at an event like a photo exhibition with a friend and I’m explaining and introducing people I know. Then I see K – I’m not happy or excited and he’s more friendly and expects attention. I am pleased I don’t have a reaction to him and don’t really talk to him- I’m indifferent.

22. Dream with E & T in it – at dinner with them in their big house. I don’t fit in with their city friends. Lots of bewilderment in them and me I realise E is not even friendly to me anymore – feel I’m a ‘pity’ invite so why am I there?

23. Dream of salmon bagels (this makes me laugh when I wake up). I’m in Copenhagen and in the dream, I think I must go there more.

24. I meet a female journalist – she’s not that friendly but slowly warms up. Just as I think we might become friends she tells me she’s leaving to be director of external affairs for a business. Then I’m on some send of a journey – dangers, obstacles, but I get there but alone.

May 2020

As someone who loves words and phrases, I haven’t enjoyed the new language of this time. I‘ve always

disliked organisational and corporate speak – why did employees get renamed “human resources”? I

particularly loathe “key performance indicators” and all that it represents.

So hearing politicians, scientists and the media use certain “key terms” recently has been bothering me as

they usually negate feelings and people. That’s why artists and writers’ responses to this time are so

important to me. Of course, I’ve used some of the expressions myself – repetition and familiarity encourage

many of us do that.

Lockdown, social distancing, social isolation, sanitiser – I’ve used all these words, plus pandemic on

occasion. But now I’ve stopped. I’m doing what I’ve learned to do in my work as a campaigner and

psychotherapist –I talk about real, known, people and their personal experiences.

Like the friend whose husband went into hospital in London in March and sadly died there. She was there

too with symptoms of Covid-19, but luckily she survived and is now convalescing with a friend and her

husband. Sadly, my husband’s aunt also died a few weeks ago in a Belfast nursing home. We’ll never know

if it was Covid, but she wasn’t expected to die so soon. And the father of one of my closest friends died in

his nursing home in England in the same week. He had dementia but was physically okay until the

“lockdown” meant no one could visit or touch him. My friend thinks Covid killed his father indirectly – due to

isolation and missing his wife, son and friends and their touch.

I’ve also learned how funerals have been conducted at this time- and all were different but all equally small

and distant and nothing like what people would have chosen. That’s one thing I’ve noted – there is no one

situation or “rule” and that’s hard for some people who like things to be certain and clear. I think I’m lucky

as I’m ok with uncertainty and difference, but deception or obfuscation certainly upsets me. So, to hear

Dominic Cummings and others explain why they were able to visit their families when my friends couldn’t –

that enraged me along with millions of people.

Personally, I think May and not April, has been the cruellest month, and to paraphrase TS Eliot, has mixed

“memory and desire”. The weather was mostly sunny and warm, and I missed going to our local beaches,

walking the coast paths and swimming. For a while it made sense – keep them closed so as not to tempt

visitors and maybe overload the emergency services. But as time went on and people could go shopping to

large supermarkets, then garden centres and to play golf, it didn’t make sense. It all seemed illogical and to

take no account of local people and their mental health.

Although the data on Covid seemed to show that the peak was in April, we didn’t know that as we were

living it and the data comes with hindsight. And I think in May the realisation hit that we were a long way

from schools and businesses reopening or being able to stay with family and friends. I’ve lost some of my

income as a self -employed charity consultant and this will affect me for the rest of the year. However,

many people have really tough financial challenges and problems, and we began to hear more about that

locally and volunteered where we could.

But all this was overshadowed by the realisation that thousands of people were still dying, and the UK had

one of the worst rates of infection in the world. This shocked most of us to our core. As I live in Wales, I

take some comfort in the approach of the Welsh government which seems more cautious and sensible. But

the long -term impacts on the economy and mental health are frightening and in an area that dependents

on tourism, how will caution be balanced with necessity? We’re still not allowed to go further than five miles

from home, which seems ok until we hear that our villages may soon be filled with tourists and visitors from

all over. We don’t feel ready and with our footpaths and beach carparks still closed to us, why didn’t we

have a chance to enjoy them before hundreds of visitors arrive? It will be interesting to see what comes in

hindsight and where these decisions were made and understand the competing interests.

I continue to calm myself when I get frustrated – which is where I go rather than anxiety – by listening to

Hay Festival talks online or streaming concerts and online yoga classes. I’ve also taken up painting again

and have a home-made studio in our guest bedroom – as there can be no guests for a long time yet.

Pictures from instagram

Women in Lockdown fictional monologue I want to call up storms, tempests, plagues of frogs or locusts and pestilence. Well, I know we have the

virus but I want something horrible and deadly just for her. It’s strange how I’ve turned to The Bible and

Shakespeare as well as the TV crime dramas I’m addicted to at the moment. Actually they’re mostly on

Netflix but I can’t get used to saying online or streaming or whatever. And now we have another new

language to learn. Lockdown - which used to be only a prison thing - and self-isolation which was only in

stories about mad women. But they both mean something different now. Although I think I’ll go mad and

have a breakdown if I can’t meet him soon. I can’t believe he’s in lockdown with his wife and not me. We

never saw this coming. All those nights talking about how he’d leave her and it will be over by Easter. But

now I’ve been on my own for weeks and he can barely move without her. He has to have a bath just to call

me - with the taps full on to cover his words. And it’s so sunny that all the windows are open. He can’t just

go to the end of the garden and say it’s a work call. He’s facetimed me on his walk to the shops but he can’t

stand for too long as people glare at him. Then all I see is a blur of him moving away and his voice

disappears. My frustration and anger is just rocketing. I’m used to spending so much time with him and now

there’s nothing. I don’t know what to do with myself so my new distraction is thinking of ways to kill her. But

I’ve no experience so I watch Scandi Noir and read Agatha Christie for ideas. I’m usually a calm sort of

person and I don’t really get angry, but this time is so strange that I feel my personality is changing. Like I’m

possessed and a bit crazy. I’d like to mix up some poisonous potion like in Macbeth but it would have to be

an accident. I can’t be a murderer as it would destroy my life too. Obviously I’ve sometimes imagined she

might get the virus but that makes me feel terrible. And anyway he’d probably get it and die too as a kind of

awful justice. I need to decide whether a slow poison is possible - maybe from some beautiful but deadly

plant like oleander. They have a garden so I could order one online and send it from him to her. He couldn’t

say it wasn’t from him as that would make her suspicious. Perhaps she’d rush to plant it and then get

dangerously sick. She loves gardening and that annoyed me when he told me. I’d like to have a garden but

I’m stuck in a small flat while she has a house. Of course I know we just have to wait this out but I’m

terrified. All these weeks alone together might rekindle their marriage. He’s bound to want sex as he gets a

lot with me, so maybe that’s started up again. That torments me at night. I’m alone with only memories,

unable to touch or kiss him. I might be the one who gets the virus and he won’t be able to visit or take care

of me. We might never see each other again and he couldn’t come to my funeral. It would be immediate

family only, so that would be my sister and my mother. My sister knows about him but there’s no way she

could explain him to my mother. This goes round and round in my head and the only way I can make it stop

is to imagine his wife killed in a random accident. It’s just more unlikely to happen when you’re in lockdown

and can’t really leave the house.