Corona Diaries

Lucas

“Good luck making sense of all of that! If you’ve made it this far tell your lecturer you’ve unlocked the +10% on your module mark achievement and show them this sentence.”

Background Information

Male, aged 35-44, Furloughed Engineer, Northern Ireland, White, Married with 2 school-aged

children.

March 2020

Listened to some Dylan earlier, that’s Bob Dylan future Dwellers, just in case another Dylan comes along

and confuses the issue, like Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal did to the one and only, we thought, Ronaldo of

Brazil. Anyway, as you may have noticed this is going to be a stream of consciousness sort of a deal and

you’re welcome to move swiftly on if you don’t want to live in my head, it’s not like I haven’t considered

doing the same a few times. Anyway, Dylan. The times are changing. Americana from the misty past which

has a habit of coming round again, slightly disguised, like pandemics of different strains of shite, or global

conflicts, or whatever cos I can’t think of a punchier finish to this sentence than whatever.

Where was I? Recurring shite. Ah yes. Did you know the Spanish Flu killed more people circa 1919 than

the first World War did. 45 to 50 million people. Fuck me. I did not know that about 10 days ago.

Unfortunately, I do now because Googling shit about pandemics is now a thing that I do too much of. All a

bit mad but I heard tonight that a good mate that I’ve known for years, shared a midfield with, won a league

with his dad is critical in hospital with this fucker of a Virus. Bring it home very quickly. Another thing I know

now is the word “Furlough”, which up ‘til a week ago I’d have thought was a bad spelling of furlong. I know

this because I’m on furlough from my job. Basically, I get paid 80% to fuck all because my job isn’t

considered critical, and my project (wing production for a major airframer) is on hold globally ‘til this all

calms down. Seems great but there is a nagging dread that if there’s a global recession I might soon be

getting paid 0% to do fuck all – less appealing, particularly in the likely global recession. My plan B

company laid off 350 today so it all appears a bit all or nothing once this is over. This being the lockdown,

we’re only allowed out for basic supplies, critical work or to exercise once a day with people from our own

household. No sport. No pubs. No gigs. No clubs. Literally fuck all happening globally.

This meander of about to go through some nice efficient piping, get us through a town or something. Shit

I’ve noticed:

Outside:

• It’s deathly quiet out there, feels like 80% of people have died already

• People are sticking to the rules by my personal observation, 2 meter separation between anyone

stopping for a chat

• I’ve started cycling for the first time in a few years, enjoying it, nice to get away from it all, also great

for social distancing as you can really avoid everyone easily

• People have gone from “this is awkward” to it being the new Normak in less than a week

• Silence, here in suburbia, no cars, no people, silence

Home:

• Home is now school, its going OK, my wife’s a teacher on a long term career break so its nice to

see her get to put her training to use again

• We have had heated moments that time cooped up together makes inevitable but after a few

days everything settled out ok

• I’ve done about a years’ worth of DIY and made a tree swing, earning husband and dad points

Music:

• The Chats new album is great, felt like a good dose of pre-Coronashite brash positivity

• Social media broadcast gigs are popping up as musicians get their gigfix, pay their rent and

generally keep us sane. Struggle to get time to tune into most of them, young kids are labour and

time intensive!

• I fucking miss gigs! I barely get to go to any normally, but this prick has stolen my Glastonbury

I could go on, at length, the things is this is just massive, it dominates literally everything in every aspect of

our lives at the minute. I can only really scrape the surface here. People are impressing me though. Some

community feeling that seemed non existent is really evident now.

April 2020

April Showers, except it hasn’t rained all month.

Another month goes by in the blink of an eye or at the pace of a sloth passing an eon and here we are,

wherever that is, at the end of April 2020. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times and also, it’s the new

normal of times. Once upon a time there was Coronavirus and it was a vague threat from China, then Italy,

hmm bit closer to home we think, then it arrived here, and it was Covid-19 and suddenly it was serious.

This’ll be a stream of consciousness again btw, mainly cos it’s what I feel like doing, there’ll be other

participants in this study if it’s structure and facts you’re after. So, I’m well practiced in doom, gloom and

what I eventually came to call anxiety because that became common in the general discourse. A few years

back nobody talked about depression, nobody. Same with anxiety. Then it got spoken about more, then it

exploded. At some point a couple of years ago the floodgates seemed to open and now it’s everywhere,

Mental Health moved from films about serial killers to something we’re told we all have and have to look

after. I was ahead of that curve, been battling to stay alive for 2 or 3 decades by now. Anyway, the point of

that, if there is one, is that I’m used to feeling anxious and angsty and generally horrible. Now that there’s a

global pandemic those feelings are new to a lot of people, to me they’re just Tuesday, and sometimes

every day. It does seem, the word escapes me, serendipitous? that “people” became aware of Mental

Health issues, support etc, or if not aware, certainly the discussion opened up publicly, just before a

pandemic landed. My daughter is 6, in Primary 2, and her online learning isn’t just English, Maths etc, it’s

also Mindfulness, Breathing exercises etc. I don’t think that would have been the case even 3 years ago,

certainly not as the norm and not instantly as soon as the kids were sent with the rest of us to work from

home. It existed, but the widespread awareness wasn’t there.

That was a long paragraph. This one isn’t.

Anyway, the best and worst of times, because it’s sort of “how’s lockdown been for you?” and there’s a

massive variation in answers you’d get to that. Some people are climbing the walls, on their own or with

others they can’t stand spending so much time with, maybe in a small flat, no garden, afraid to use the lift

for fear of the virus, furloughed from a job that that may not exist after. Nightmare. Anxiety, fear, dread, no

way to burn off the angst, worry upon worry, like how the inside of my head can be at times. Others, “yeah

mate, been ok, working from home is alright, hated the commute anyway, get to see the kids more, having

a few social distance beers sitting 2m from the neighbours, it’s been ok”. Then there’s the ones that are

really in the middle of it, nurses dying because there was no proper PPE (personal protective equipment) at

the right time, people losing parents, friends, and worst of all, kids. Babies man, primary school kids, Fuck

me. I can’t think about that for long, I have kids, I can’t dwell on it. There’s only so much empathy I can

afford to spend before my own mental health takes a massive downturn again. Because of this and the

desire to avoid anxiety I’ve stopped watching the news at all and maybe only catch the latest death figures

once or twice a week, usually in conversation with someone or from the radio. Me knowing the facts inside

out won’t help anyone but it will allow me to dwell on them. I grew up in Northern Ireland during “the

troubles” and it was totally normal for me to watch the news every night at teatime (6pm) and hear of

various paramilitary groups killing people. That was 100% normal to me. Looking back watching the news

in those times did me no good, sure I know some facts about it all, but do I feel any better for it, did it do me

any good, did it fuck! Same as now, I’m going to try to ride this out with my hands over my ears and my

head in the sand at times.

I did have one pretty bad mood-wobble over this last few weeks, proper dark anxiety and depression and

the strangest thing brought it on. Boris frigging Johnson. I am no fan of the floppy haired self-serving

horrible expletive deleted who is currently the Prime Minister, very very much not. But when he ended up in

ICU with Coronavirus it wasn’t about who he was, it was what he represented. If the Prime Minister of a

pretty technologically advanced and fairly wealthy country who is personally absolutely loaded can’t buy his

way round this bloody virus then it really is serious. It feels like he’s done a few deals with the Devil to get

to get into office, always comes out of the shit smelling like roses, the fact that he now seemed to actually

be in the shit for real was just, weird I suppose. I was annoyed with myself for being annoyed by this, but it

was just the catalyst to set off a ball of anxiety that had been growing in the pit of my stomach. It seemed to

change the tone of the discussion in the country a bit when he went down. Like I say, it was what he

represented rather than who he is that got me.

Anyway, if you’ve hung in here reading this wondering if there’ll be something actually useful in it for you,

oh future-dweller, then here you go, a few observations/snippets of near-fact:

• 4 people in Northern Ireland have died due to domestic incidents in Northern Ireland since the start

of the lockdown. Unfortunately, being cooped up in the house when things were on the edge may

have been enough to push things over the edge. Furlough really was the worst of times for some.

• I’m back off furlough as of 27th April. Back to working from home. That was the longest I’ve not

worked in some capacity since my early teens. I painted most of the house, laid some paving slabs,

did a lot of sorting and tidying and was just getting into the swing of things nicely when I got the

dreaded call to go back to work. Furlough was good for me.

• The downside of being off on furlough is a 20% reduction in pay. I thought it’d make things really

tight but thanks to a timely bit of financial reorganisation it came when my current account was

healthier than the usual dire situation. Spending was reduced, on purpose sure, but also naturally.

Typically, I spend about £200 per month on fuel and servicing for my car and that cost was wiped

out overnight. Take out the work vending machine and the stops at garages for coffees and to feed

my junk food habit and it’s a significant saving. Financially it’s probably worked out neutral all things

considered. Given that I painted the house rather than pay someone to do it it’s actually probably

worked out positive.

• Back to work and things aren’t so positive. I work in aerospace and there are very strong vibes that

a recession is coming for the industry. Job cuts are being talked about again, this after maybe a

year in the clear from a 5 year threat of redundancy and significant “rightsizing” (boak!!)

• Some people are fucking idiots. They really are. I don’t mean they are classic examples of people

with very low IQ that would have formally been classed as a nincompoop back in the day (yip,

actually a real thing). I mean they are too arrogant, selfish or not self-aware enough to give people

space when out and about. I went for a run yesterday and another the day before. On a path 3

metres wide passing someone with 2 metre spacing should be easy.. not if they are walking right

down the middle 2 abreast…aaarrggghhh FOR FUCKS MOVE YOU FUCKING WANKERS I am

tempted to shout.

• Shopping, I’m told, is weird. See the aforementioned idiot problem for starters. There’s also the fact

that you have to queue outside shops to get in. We don’t queue outside anything in my experience

barring nightclubs (great song about this on the Arctic Monkeys debut album btw, look them up oh

future dweller, their debut album is a piece of history/sociology in its own right the way it describes

their nights out in the late 1990’s / early 2000’s. Things are more expensive in shops. People initially

stockpiled toilet roll and pasta. Weird what people go for. I’d have stockpiled booze and junk food.

Anyway, I haven’t been in a shop for maybe 6 or 7 weeks as I have Asthma. I have to say I haven’t

missed it much. Not having to constantly spend money and instead having a bigger hit every week

or so has been easier for the financial side of my anxiety to process.

• My mate, I mentioned him last month, lost his dad. That’s as close as the virus has been to me

officially, though an aunt is pretty convinced she had it after 22 days of horrible sickness that she’s

thankfully recovered from. I spoke to my mate and it was a tough call, brought back memories of my

mum passing away. It’s just weird for him though, no proper wake (I’m in ruralish Northern Ireland,

wakes are a tradition that is very much alive), a funeral where friends could only sit in their cars and

watch the procession go by, not being buried in a suit, more a sealed body bag type thing,

undertakers dressed up like they’re the government workers in the movie ET The Extra Terrestrial

(look it up, it’s great). A very weird time.

• A friend from running had her 40th birthday last week, she has people drop gifts round, make a fuss

of her, surprise her at work with a cake etc but it was all very different. No big piss up (drinking

session) with her mates, no family get together. People say we’ll do it properly after lockdown but

will we, are we really going to have all those missed nights out etc? I doubt it. They’re gone. We will

have one big fucking blow out each though I reckon where it all gets rolled into one. I hope, for me,

that’s Glastonbury 2021 with a few more local piss ups beforehand. People who had milestone

birthdays this year are going to make their 41st, 51st or whatever their big one I reckon.

• The grind was destroying my health, furlough has been good for me on that front. I put on 2.5 stone

in weight in 2019 and it wasn’t shifting. I’ve now got the bike back out (I used to cycle a 100 mile

event most years but have barely ridden in about 3 years). I’ve started getting the buzz for running

hard again. Basically, I’ve found the energy to push myself hard again, I honestly never thought I’d

see it again. Hopefully it’s here to stay.

• If you want to get into the mindset of someone in these times it’d do no harm to watch some of the

films and tv that we reference. A good place to start is 28 Days Later – a show about a pandemic

where people got the “rage” virus. It’s particularly become a reference point for the lockdown sense

of places being empty, there are scenes where central London is deserted, and it was a bit like that

in early lockdown.

• It seems that every band and solo artist, particular the smaller ones who need the cash, have been

live streaming home gigs via social media. This is a good thing. I’ll watch that I think. I can’t wait for

that one. Then, after 2-3 weeks of maybe catching half an hour of a couple of these I realise that life

with small kids just doesn’t lend itself to doing things at set times unless they’re in bed. Then I’m

usually having a half hour catch-up on a tv series on Netflix with my wife – that’s our normal tradition

and the gigs I like would bore her stupid so it wouldn’t feel fair to ditch her to watch them all the

time. It’s the only time in the day when we actually get to chill out and relax together without a

“daaadddyyy” or “muummmyyy” being shouted in our general direction. There will be a great archive

to revisit after all of this but I wonder if I’ll ever find the time to when I can’t find it now, probably not.

Family life man, it’s fucking intense.

Anyway, I have to shoot, as I mentioned, family life, intense. Now you’ve done this research I recommend

you bunk off and watch the Bill and Ted films and call them research. You’re probably a student if you’re

reading this, this is the best chance in your life you’ll probably get!

May and June 2020

8th June 2020

I’m a bit late getting my May entry in and, reflecting on my current mood, I think that’s because I haven’t felt

bad enough. “Thankfully” feeling like shit never seems to be too far away so here I am starting the entry for

May 2020 and feeling like shit.

Over the last month the lockdown seems to be easing, whether officially or not. I’ve started doing a few

things I hadn’t before, I’ve been back into a few shops, nothing major just basic grocery shopping etc.

Putting it another way I’ve been to see my junk food dealer.

…and then it was 15th June all of a sudden

Jesus that was a rough week. Note for the sake of clarification that’s nothing to do with any belief in actual

Jesus, just an expression of .. erm.. expressionment. Anyway, yeah that was a really shit week and before I

bore you entirely to death I’ll rewind a bit and work out what it had to do with Coronavirus-date May 2020,

which this thing is supposed to be about after all. As an aide memoir I’ve dug out my Strava (social media /

fitness tracker app thing) cos I think I was training back then, about 6 weeks ago. Ok, yeah, I remember

now. In May I got into a good run of cycling, running and generally training. If I’ve counted right I either ran,

cycled or did some sort of workout around 28 29 days of the month, finishing with a 52-mile cycle at a

decent pace, trying to keep up with my neighbour. In theory it was a good month, I was getting fitter,

regularly going for a run or cycle at lunchtime with my 6-year-old daughter and in a good routine in general.

Working from home was manageable and I was in a good routine with that too, up at 7, exercise at lunch,

done by 4, often a chat outside with the neighbours or a cycle in the evening. Fitter, Happier, More

Productive as Radiohead would put it. If Radiohead haven’t made it into the future, I urge you to dig them

out and listen to them asap.

Anyway, what I’ve learned from life, if anything, is that nothing is ever plain sailing for too long. In reality I

was doing too much, operating off not enough sleep, getting worn out. Two or three heavy cycles at the end

of May and start of June where I dug deep were the reason why it’s taken me a fortnight and false start to

get to this point in this diary. I knackered myself. I hit a mental brick wall and the depression surged back in,

strong, frighteningly fucking strong frighteningly fucking quickly. It’s eased over the last couple of days

thankfully.

So, what’s that got to do with Coronavirus and the lockdown? Well, nothing and everything. I got stuck into

the exercise to help my mood because while in some ways not having to commute or having the hassles of

going out into the world are great, they also drive you slowly mad. I’ve had to stop watching the news cos

it’s hard enough to process the headlines but the debate after – duck me, here’s the formula:

1. Pick a subject, in this case say how the government is dealing with one element of coronavirus this

week. Usually, this subject will be led by something the government have said in the “daily briefing”

on coronavirus.

2. Get 2 people on with exactly opposite views on everything in life

3. Get them to argue with each other

FUCKKKK OFFFF MY FUCKING TV YOU CUNTS!!!!

Hmm – seems a bit angry that.. I think that supports my view that I shouldn’t watch it.

So as a result of this news avoidance I get my news accidentally and by observation. Over May I’ve

noticed:

• I went out on my bike with a couple of lads on separate days, I wouldn’t have done that a month ago

and my wife wouldn’t have let me. So, something eased, and it eased more through the month

• People are getting sick of the lockdown and blatantly ignoring it in some cases

• I’ve been to a few shops, starting with the chemist/pharmacy by necessity for my wife but by the end

of the month I’d gone into the garage for a few bits and pieces once or twice

• Out on the bike the roads were slowly getting busier at the very end of this month, but since the

start of June (which in this May diary doesn’t technically yet but anyway) there’s been a distinct

increase in traffic, noticeable around the 2nd weekend in June.

• Back to May – the beautician next door is getting really pissed off, her clients are ready to come

back, she’s ready to get back at it but she’s holding off because the other neighbours are sort of

advising her to hold off and, crucially, she’s afraid of an online shaming (Jon Ronson has a decent

book on that by the way) (sneaking into June it lasted another 8 or 9 days)

• There was a single incident where Coronavirus was swept aside in the national and global

consciousness, much like Coronavirus did with Brexit, a man died. Fucking loads of people died I

hear you think... cos you’ve been reading this long enough to think in swearwords, my gift to you,

you’re welcome ☺. Anyway, this man didn’t die because of a government failing to provide PPE,

delaying the lockdown or any of the other mistakes that the UK government appear to have made

(compare with New Zealand, or basically anyone, for how they could have done better). Those

government cock ups, and some were inevitable I suppose, but not all of them… they killed

probably 10s of thousands of people via coronavirus being much more widespread than it might

otherwise have been. Anyway, one man died and the whole world seemed to shift overnight. In the

USA a black man was killed by a police officer who kneeled on his neck for over 8 minutes and

basically choked him to death. With that single barbaric act the Black Lives Matter movement which

had been bubbling exploded in the US and then spread.

This has expanded beyond the confines of a bullet point so I’ll continue in this paragraph.. nice to write with

no structure although I’m sure it’s a pain in the ass to read. Insert linking word here by the end of May

Cornoavirus was dead. At least you’d think it was dead. Thousands of protestors took to the streets, some

protests were socially distanced but plenty more were not. The Black Lives Matter protestors were soon

mimicked - I almost said aped then I thought what a weird choice of term, then I thought well I can think

aped without thinking of racist monkey connotations then I thought fuck me I’m completely on the side of

people are people, completely non-racist and I’ve just tied myself up in knots there trying not to offend

when none was intended. For clarity, the use of the word aped in this instance is, I think, fine but if this was

twitter would I use it? No – because it’d probably promote a bitter argumentative thread between two sides

who couldn’t agree on anything. The point I’ve stumbled upon here is that you can barely speak your mind

in public, particularly on twitter, without the risk of your intent being misconstrued and branded as

something that ends in “ist” (racist, fascist).

Anyway (I’m out of linking words) after the Black Lives matter protestors took to the streets (actually early

June but whatever I’m on it now) and did a bit of damage and in some cases didn’t socially distance the..

I’m searching for the correct term.. far right.. hooligan element.. no, lets go with dicks.. took to the streets

and had to have a counterprotest to “protect the statues”. We can debate the wrongs and further wrongs of

this but the point of this several hundred word meander is this – coronavirus was booted off the front pages

and Black lives matter became the focus of the debate.

1. Pick a subject, in this case say how the government is dealing with one element of coronavirus

Black Lives Matter this week. Usually, this subject will be led by something unrepresentative of

either protest or counter protest the government have said in the “daily briefing” on coronavirus.

2. Get 2 people on with exactly opposite views on everything in life

3. Get them to argue with each other

Once again FUCKKK OFFFFFF

My mind can only take so much of that kind of debate so I find it awkward to talk about or think about, it

sends my thoughts swirling and I wonder why we can’t all get along.

WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST FUCKING GET ALONG

Then I think... ah Glastonbury Festival, the one beacon of non-shiteness where people actively get along.

Good luck making sense of all of that! If you’ve made it this far tell your lecturer you’ve unlocked the +10%

on your module mark achievement and show them this sentence.

I hope the news is better in the year whatever this is.

Laters x