Corona Diaries

Lucia “…on Sunday, I felt really lightheaded and sleepy but had the sudden overwhelming knowledge that if I closed my eyes I wouldn’t wake up.”

Background Information

Female, aged 45-54, Academic Liaison Librarian, South Wales, White, Married, extremely anxious about Covid-19.

March 2020 Bleach We are self-isolating. My spouse is vulnerable due to a genetic disorder - he has had multiple major surgeries. Today we went out for the first time in 8 days. They say that it will peak over Easter, so we need supplies to hunker down. I don’t want to go. Leaving the house and coming back, or a letter through the door or a parcel being delivered feels like a breach. That’s my policy ‘Breach and bleach’ - if it comes in it has to be bleached and sequestered. I don’t think this is normal. The shop freaked me out. It’s the local Nisa. It’s a bit rough. All the tills have wooden frames and Perspex and the staff wearing gloves and masks - tape on the floor to mark out distancing zones. I felt tearful and scared. It’s like some sort of warzone. How did this happen? The kid by the pop keeps pacing - too near. I’m jittery. They have flour. Everyone I’ve spoken to says there’s no flour anywhere. Back in the car with bleach wipes, gloves, hand sanitiser. Tearful. Spouse says, “Let’s go straight home”. But I want to get coal and logs and I think I’m being a bit dramatic, so we go. More gloves, more sanitiser. I put the coal in the boot. “We aren’t allowed to burn house coal in a smokeless zone”. I look at him. We start laughing. Back a home. Bleach. Everything wiped down and put into another room for the 72 hours. Straight in the shower, wash the clothes. This isn’t normal and I know it. Then I see a woman on twitter washing her shopping in the bath and I feel a bit better. Crisis on top of the chronic There are too many pictures of people in critical care wards. How? When Spouse has been in critical care, you are not allowed to use your phone. I can’t look. I already live with the low-grade dread of yet more operations, health crises and operations. I have already watched him not breathing, hooked up to life support, facing operations where the chance of living is less than not. He looks like a normal middle-aged man. He’s as vulnerable as my elderly neighbours. That’s where the fear is coming from. This must be what it’s like for anyone living with a chronic condition. You worry about them constantly anyway, and then another health threat looms. They cancelled his CT scan at Birmingham, and I was pleased and worried. What might be missed? All these people with cancer and other conditions. And the worry that you need

constant medication - what if it stops? What if you can’t get it? What if he collapsed again and there are no critical care beds?

April 2020 I read today that the first thing that has happened in China now restrictions are being lifted is that divorce applications are skyrocketing. Some people seem to be finding it difficult being with their family. I’m lucky. I’m loving it. Our ambition has always been to win the lottery and hide away from everyone - as little social interaction as possible. So, I’m not finding it hard being inside. I can happily garden and do house things - it’s quite calming. It’s only when you think about WHY it becomes frightening. It must be so hard if you don’t get along with your partner - to be stuck in a small space, no other company. There are horrible reports of people murdering each other. You don’t really think about death other than the virus at the moment, but the death toll will be more varied that we think. Work Work is odd. We are all cheerfully ploughing on - prioritising the students and academic staff - providing as best services as we can. Relentlessly, relentlessly cheerful. No-one in the team has admitted yet that this is hard or difficult, or we don’t feel like it. I wonder how long that will last? We know there’s a crisis looming when we get back - will there be mass redundancies? Let’s face it - it was a bit gloomy before this happened. I keep thinking about people who have no job now. What will happen to them when this is over? Or all the people that have found jobs with supermarkets which will disappear when people have stopped shopping like idiots. It’s so frightening. I know we are cushioned here - even though my husband has gone to 80% week. We have savings and insurances - what if you don’t? What if you can’t pay your bills? I keep thinking about it… Sleep We can’t sleep. Every night I drop off and wake about 2.30am. Spouse stays awake until 3 then can’t wake up. I keep having the ‘corona dream’ where I am stuck out in public and can’t find anywhere to get clean and I keep touching things. Apparently, this is normal now - people are having really vivid dreams. Brains are odd aren’t they - the way they process what we can’t process in daytime. At least I’ve stopped having the lifelong ‘stress dream’ of missing the bus/train/appointment - I don’t need to be anywhere anymore. Sneaky relief Yesterday I admitted that a really nasty part of me is enjoying not having any social obligations. I think that probably makes me a ghastly person. I’ve always found going out and socialising hard work - now I don’t need to. It’s like a lifetime of relief and then I feel guilty because people are DYING out there. I feel guilty enjoying working in the garden or reading a book. I feel guilty that people are risking their lives delivering things and nursing people and I’m staying in the house like a coward. I know they are saying “Stay in, save lives’ but it feels so much like leaving others to pick up the burden. I’ve always had a good work ethic - pitched in, volunteered for the things over people don’t want to do, and here I am in my nice bunker not helping at all. Self-isolation bubble

So it’s been over 20 days since we left the house. The weather has been so beautiful and the garden wonderful. We are able to sit outside and work in the garden. We are so lucky. What if you live in a flat? Or a flat with children? I keep reading about the victims of domestic abuse. I know domestic violence goes up over the few days people are with their family at Christmas but imagine if you are cooped up together - can’t go out and tension rising - and your partner is abusive. Domestic abuse murders have doubled. I feel guilty about that now too. I am lucky that we get on so well. It’s like being in a little bubble. We go about our business and only see the world through the media. We don’t have a television, so I suspect we’re not getting a lot of the hysteria. I feel even better about the ‘telly thing’ now than ever. 23 years without one, and I know it’s a good thing. Reading the infection and death statistics - the figures start to become meaningless. Those poor, poor people. It’s the randomness that frightens me. Some people have a slight flu - others die - and there seems to be no rhyme or reason for who gets what. I’m not a prolific user of social media. I have Twitter only. No Facebook or Instagram. I am so sick of stick thin, or rich or virtue signalling idiots telling me to learn a new language or get great abs or cook things with 45 strange ingredients. I actually posted a tweet telling them that I don’t want to learn new yoga moves - that I’m barely hanging on by my nervous fingernails, drinking too much wine and trying not to burden the NHS. It got SO many likes. I think people are scared to say how scared they are and how disturbing life has become. The government has been a complete shamble. Too little, too late and always protecting their mates and their hedge funds. Yet, the Tories are surging in the polls. How? What is wrong with people that they think they are doing a good job? These are the people who applauded when they voted down a pay raise for nurses. A horrid part of me thinks Johnson was never ill - it’s just a publicity stunt to deflect attention. Would an entire hospital be complicit? No, probably not, but then…wouldn’t someone like him have private healthcare? I am turning into a conspiracy theorist - a flat earther. Although David Icke takes some beating. And the people burning down 5G towers. Really? Are people so badly educated and stupid they believe that stuff? Or are they just frightened and too limited to find another way of dealing with it? This is all so random - sorry…. Lockdown fools I can’t understand the people who flout the lockdown rules. Which bit of “stay on your sofa”, can’t they understand? How difficult is it? They’re not being called up to die like in the World Wars. Do they really not fear it at all? It’s the selfishness I can’t understand. This morning I must have nearly doubled my run, changing sides of the road and detouring round people to keep the 2m distance. How will we ever get out of this? Memories At the weekend I had a sudden vivid memory of being at a hotel in the North - we were having cocktails and walking down the jetty to the sea. There were lots of other people there - we queued at the bar shoulder to shoulder with others. I can’t imagine being that close to people now. How we took its all for granted - how can we ever be normal again?

I’m starting to experience very odd ’flashbacks’ to very specific moments in the past. They seem to involve places which were relaxing, or I felt good, and they are so vivid I can almost feel the sunshine or smell the sea. I wonder if this is like the vivid dreams people are apparently experiencing? It must be for being in one place constantly. Usually, I would look it up. Explore the science. Now I feel too sluggish to move my brain to understand anything…. Middle class angst I’ve stopped reading the reports about how universities will fold after this. I know things were pretty precarious anyway. It’s always been my biggest fear - redundancy - not being able to pay my bills or mortgage. I feel helpless in the face of it and know that thousands have already lost their jobs. I can’t think about it or I start to panic. I am a born worrier and this is not going well for me. I’m trying so hard to keep it all under control. I had a huge panic attack last week - my heart rate was over 100 nearly all day and then I started to worry about having a heart attack. And yet…and yet…I am so privileged with plenty of food and heat and a wonderful husband and comfortable house and my salary is still being paid, and I am able to work from home. I haven’t got a thing to worry about. Pathetic middle-class angst. Which makes me angry with myself. News rationing I’ve started rationing the media and social media. Thank god we don’t have a television. All the contradictions and the frankly pathetic way the government are dealing with this makes my anxiety even worse. Apparently 60% of people are suffering with anxiety - hardly surprising! If I look at the newspapers, I start to feel anxious in my chest which makes me think I’m feeling unwell which makes me feel worse! I sat in the garden last night with tea, enjoying the peace and quiet and felt quite content until I remembered that people are dying, and I started to feel guilty again. Running I run in the mornings. I started running last October when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. It was take tablets for the rest of my life or get off my backside and get fit and lose some weight. I hate it - not a natural athlete, lazy about exercise. Not the right shape - I lumber about but I run 2 miles every morning Mon-Fri. I stopped when lockdown came in because I was scared to go out but I’ve started again. I used to run at 5.30am but, unbelievably, it’s become busy then and swerving round people all the time is no fun and anxiety making. Now I go at 5am. I’m all alone. I usually just run and think, but my brain is so tense I’ve decided to listen to music. This morning it was collection of 90s music from when I was a student. For the first time ever, I considered carrying on running past the end of my road on the way back. I thought about all the times I listened to those tracks as a young woman and how unhappy I was with myself, and I felt. Bit sorry for the insecurity I carried about with the young me. For the first time I just enjoyed the music and the way my legs just ran automatically beneath me. I felt better. I never got the ‘exercise makes you feel better and is good for your mental health’ until today. Although the extended version of ‘Born Slippy’ gets faster so I was a huffing, puffing, lycra clad ball of shambling middle aged red face by the time I got back. I still felt better. The first positive in ages. 1st phase of lockdown

So, we’ve done 3 weeks lockdown - another 3 to go. Then what? I cannot imagine anything being normal again. I can’t imagine going to a crowded place like a restaurant or a gig. Or teaching in a lecture theatre. How will we start to renormalise? What will be safe? Are these the ramblings of an over privileged middle- class, middle-aged woman or is everyone thinking this? Reading back through this I can see so much repetition. The world has become so small. We do the same things over and over. I don’t think we’re built for this. I can’t even tell what day it is sometimes, and I know others feel the same. Freedom I saw the ‘liberation’ protesters in the US in the papers. The ones ‘protesting peacefully’ with their enormous machine guns slung over their shoulder, claiming that the virus is a fake. Do we inhabit the same planet? I hope to God they don’t expect any medical care when they contract it in their droves. And the poor, poor frontline staff they are putting at risk. And Trump. What can you say? We have a complete shit shower in charge, but he is truly evil. For the record So next week our national (Welsh) professional organisation is launching a website to capture what it’s like to work as an information professional under COVID. It’s to form connections for people working at home or in different sectors but also as a historical record of what this has been like, for the archive. I’m feeling good about this. It’s connecting me beyond my immediate team, is requiring me to think hard about things and I’m glad I got involved. People have been enthusiastic so far and I think it’s worthwhile. It launches on Monday and I’m planning some of the marketing and information to go out. It’s good to have something new when so much of what we’re doing is ‘usual business’. Keeping busy I like to have 50 plates spinning normally and this time has felt disconnected and I’m just not busy enough. Spouse says that if I start another household project, he may have to kill me, but if I’m not busy I fret at the best of times, and this is not the best of times. We are putting a new kitchen in anyway but I’m now also redecorating the bathroom, starting on our bedroom, planting a bog garden, laying a new path, cutting the hedges, mowing the lawn, digging out the stream as well as cooking, cleaning, ironing, baking, organising cupboard etc. etc. God knows what would happen if I stopped. Displacement activity… Solace I love cooking - always have. I love to cook from scratch, so it’s been relatively easy for me to keep us well fed. Last week I ordered a random veg pack from a local farm. I have two huge red cabbages. I’m enjoying the challenge of cooking everything - no waste. I have also discovered that if you freeze cheddar a lot of the moisture comes out and it’s very dry to cook with. How useful is that? Lockdown 2 It seems like people aren’t taking the lockdown seriously anymore. Or is that just a media portrayal? Yesterday we went for our evening stroll to the beach. We saw a neighbour and stopped to chat on opposite sides of the road. A man just walked through the middle of us - no concession to the 2m rule at all. If people behave like this the disease will never go away. Why do people think it won’t affect them or that

they care so little about other people they don’t care if they give it to them? I can’t understand the selfishness of it. There was hardly anyone on the beach - we walked for a couple of miles and passed about three people. We were discussing ‘after’. I can’t imagine being in a restaurant, or cinema anymore. I can’t imagine going to a gig. I can’t imagine standing in a lecture theatre with 300 students. Proximity to other people is now something to be feared. I can’t imagine going on holiday or visiting a gallery. It’s as if it was a different life. Maintaining Trying to stay focussed and calm. Take each workday as it comes- work through the ‘to do’ list - support the students as much as I can. Update departments when I can. Weekends spent cracking on with the garden and DIY. Hope and pray we have jobs after this is all over. Reminding myself how lucky we are with our savings and employment insurance and our low mortgage. That we have a lovely garden to sit in. The beach is across the road. We love spending time with each other and don’t fight. It’s a mantra - try to be positive. Try not to catastrophise. Death So, my mother-in-law died on Tuesday night. Suddenly taken into hospital at 5pm, dead by 10pm. Not corona virus. Not sure yet, but pretty sure it was an abdominal aortic aneurysm. I know that we wouldn’t have got there in time even if we’d jumped in the car and gone North, but spouse in complete devastated that he couldn’t even see her. His dad was there when she died, and his brother arrived shortly afterwards. In full PPE. No real touching of skin to hold her hand. Death - ‘normal’ death - is still here. We can’t go and be with his dad. We can’t go to the funeral. Spouse keeps saying ‘I couldn’t say goodbye. I couldn’t see her’. “I’m letting my dad down by not being at the funeral”. I hadn’t realised how much of coping with a death is about being busy and organising stuff - avoidance strategies - in the initial stages. And we can’t do anything. We’re just sat here - talking, sitting in silence, talking. Not sleeping. Worrying… His dad spent yesterday throwing all her clothes out and we can’t stop him. We’re ringing him and saying, ‘Don’t do anything you’ll regret’, but he’s ignoring us and we can’t do anything. My family knocked on the window and made sad faces and left gifts of food and wine at the door. Grieving is not supposed to be like this… That was April I’m trying to decide if that was the strangest month of my life. It’s certainly up there. There was the 6 weeks in relative’s accommodation at the hospital in Birmingham - 4 weeks of which were Spouse in critical care. That was similar - living in a bubble, no normal, all the days the same - the fear of losing Spouse. But at least I wasn’t in danger from other people. And I had a lot of meals and coffee from Costa. And my family were around me. But it had a certain dreamlike quality that the last month has had too.

I can’t really see how these ramblings will be useful- there’s no startling insight or extraordinary experience here. But maybe I’m one of many demonstrating a theme or trend - after all evidence based is the best science. Anyway, I like being ordinary and average. There’s too much emphasis on living the dream and being able to do whatever you want and being unique. What’s wrong with just being ordinary?

May 2020 Funerals We couldn’t go to my mother in law’s funeral. My husband is finding it really tough. He says it’s like the whole thing hasn’t happened because he didn’t see his mum at all, and now can’t be there to say goodbye properly. We had along discussion about how most of the death rituals are actually about the living and if you can’t be part of those, it’s all very unreal. I can’t imagine the long term effect this is going to have on the grieving process. She was buried last Tuesday and there was a sense of unreality all day. The undertaker offered to ‘live stream’ the ceremony which was both grotesque and pitiful. This has coincided with the easing of the lockdown in England so as my spouse said, ‘I can go to a garden centre, but not my mother’s funeral’. There are only two of us in the house anyway, but it’s been very quiet this week. Social distance blindness On the Bank Holiday Friday, a fuse kept tripping the electrics. We didn’t have a fuse, so I drove to my folks about 10 mins away to get a fuse from my dad. It’s the first time I’ve been out apart from going to the chemist or for local walks on the beach since mid March. My parents stood about 20ft away - the fuse was bagged up and left on the grass for me. It was as if I hadn’t seen them for years. It was both lovely and awful to see them. They live in an apartment - mainly older people - and they were celebrating VE Day with ice cream (socially distanced) on the lawn. One woman offered me ice cream - I declined - she was insistent - I politely declined. Then she came right up to me and dumped two ice cream containers in my hand. RIGHT UP TO ME! Of course I dumped the ice cream the second I got in and spent the next week being completely paranoid that she’s given me coronavirus. What was she thinking??? Some people just seem completely unbothered by the whole thing. Young male cyclists - I’m not normally one for stereotyping or being sexist, but it IS young male cyclists - they skim past you about 6 inches away - puffing out breath. Why can’t they be considerate? Maybe I AM utterly paranoid and over the top but this thing can kill you… I’m actually finding the loosening of the lockdown a more terrifying prospect - the more you HAVE to engage with people the more likely you are to get it. I can see the second wave being bigger and more horrific than the first. The Government What can I say. I’m open mouthed by the sheer incompetence of these people. Boris Johnson is exposed as the trivial, lightweight buffoon he really is. The lies are incredible - and the lack of being held to account for those lies by the media is jaw dropping. I’ve noticed that this week the headlines aren’t even necessarily about the virus. This must be a campaign to try and persuade people to go about their business again. Or am I paranoid and being the worst sort of conspiracy theorist - I’m starting to sound like David Icke! Anxiety

This has been a difficult two weeks. I started to feel my heart beating really rapidly and feared I was having some sort of coronary event. I was short of breath and felt sick. Then I noticed it increased every time I looked at the news. I googled ‘symptoms of anxiety’ and there it was - all the things I was experiencing. I’m trying really hard to keep lid on it but it’s difficult. I’m trying to keep up with my running in the morning, but it’s hard when the anxiety is making me lethargic and sleepy. I’m not drinking because the symptoms seem really acute the day after I drink - but it’s hard when it’s nice to have a glass of wine in the evening. Keeping my breathing under control. Staying off news sites. Trying to have more zooms and connecting with my colleagues. When I told my husband he said I could contact the doctor, but I know it’s anxiety about the situation and I don’t want to be a burden, when I must be one of millions of people feeling like this and I’m so much better off than most. At the start of the week, I started to smell cigarette smoke everywhere even though we don’t smoke - yep - symptom of anxiety, and also sinusitis - with I’ve been suffering from intermittently as I always do when I’m run down. Then on Sunday, I felt really lightheaded and sleepy but had the sudden overwhelming knowledge that if I closed my eyes I wouldn’t wake up. It went on for about an hour and was so frightening. Apparently, you guessed it, not an uncommon symptom of anxiety! I told Spouse and he said ‘Yep, know that feeling!” Which made me laugh. He’s been put to sleep for three hugely risky operations so he has actually had a real reason to think he wouldn’t wake up. That sort of perspective is good. I must be bad though, because I am normally an optimistic, busy, chattery sort of person. I sort everything out, I keep everything going and he’s noticed that I am quiet and preoccupied. Now he’s worried about me and I feel guilty because I’m just having some sort of self indulgent middle aged angst! One good thing Our cat has always been a one man cat. He loves my husband and basically ignores me. I am ‘staff’ - he demands food and a clean litter tray from me. He rarely sits on me and the family joke is that he regularly sharts on me! He sits at the door waiting for spouse, snuggles up to him, watches him and follows him round the house all the time. Sometimes it makes me feel cross and left out. Since I’ve been working from home the cat comes and sits on my desk with me all day (okay, sometimes annoyingly sprawled on the keyboard!) But he seeks me out and talks to me - it’s wonderful! Lockdown fatigue So, it’s starting to pall. Nearly everyone I’ve spoken to is tired and irritable and somehow sad. It is exhausting trying to maintain good work performance whilst at home. The unnaturalness of the situation is like a heavy weight. Getting motivated whether at work or doing things in the house is hard. I feel slow and heavy. I have found myself just sitting at the keyboard staring off into space and then realised that that’s what I’m doing. I can’t sleep properly - again, lots of people are saying the same. But it’s the sameness which is the problem. Each day like the last with no marker of difference at all. No way to make the days different. They are either ‘at work’ day or ‘not at work’ days. And it makes me wonder about whether this process is worth doing because I’m just writing the same things - the same activities, the same worries, the same problems over and over again - but that’s what life is like at the moment! Work news We’ve just had a message that our usual staff forum is being replaced by a message from the senior management on the future. My heart sinks. And to top it all, I am teaching so I can’t attend. When I ask if it can be recorded, I’m told the person going the presentation doesn’t want it recorded. My heart sinks further.

I know this won’t be good news. I know that there will be redundancies and difficulties - it’s inevitable - but it is the one thing I have feared all my life - losing my job. I’m helpless to change everything but I’m sitting here now with a huge ball of heat in my stomach and a headache starting. Teaching This morning I delivered what is normally one of my favourite lectures. I couldn’t see the face of a single student and it was so hard. We use faces for so many cues and feedback, and I had no idea what they thought or what they’re doing. I know everyone has said online teaching is fine, but it’s not! I’m wondering what it’s like for the students - I know they can see me, but there’s no eye contact. This has to be a second- best experience… DIY I’m trying to keep busy and do lots in the house - see it as an opportunity to get on with all the DIY and house tasks I’ve been putting off for months. What other chance will I have to be completely ‘house focused’ like this? The truth is you can only paint so many doors and walls or do so much gardening, but I’m trying. I’m also treating it as aversion therapy - trying not to think about the future or what might be happening to people out there. A really strange thing happened yesterday. I was overpainting some wallpaper in the hall which has embossed stripes in it. Painting down the stripes allows me to see where I’ve painted before. After a while I started to realise that because my stripes were ending in a random way, they kept reminding me of the bar charts of daily deaths that appear every afternoon. Once seen - can’t be unseen - and I spent about 6 hours essentially looking at death charts. Apparently, this is ‘a bit maudlin’ according to my husband - this from the man who rejects nearly every wallpaper design because he can always see ‘a face’ or ‘a moustache’ or ‘a giraffe’ in it and can’t live with it. This virus has become so ingrained in our lives that we can’t separate ourselves from it. I dreamed that had water everywhere in the house and had to call a plumber in. He and his mate wouldn’t adhere to social distancing, and it ended up in a shouting match. So, I’m even worried about people being too close in my dreamworld! I finished the painting, by the way… Lockdown relaxation Okay, the rules in Wales are different, but I’ve been looking on in horror at the cavalier relaxation of the lockdown in England. It’s clear it’s motivated by economic policy and not health. It’s obvious they’ve abandoned any attempt to look after public health and have no credibility whatsoever. But we’ve gone from Critical level 5 to about a 3 over night. And the people going to the beach and having BBQs and parties - as if it’s all just gone away - but they won’t send their kids to school! I just don’t get it. No attempt at social distancing. People queuing for 3 hours to get into IKEA - how badly can you need a bookcase when there’s a killer virus on the loose? It’s a small world The problem with lockdown is that your world becomes tiny. Four walls and a garden and all the space in the universe to think and fret. I’m a natural worrier, and rumination is my biggest problem. I can’t stop thinking about tiny things and getting angry about them. Spouse says I am getting disproportionately angry about things which I can’t do anything about. It is true. I spent about an hour ranting about the too early release of lockdown and how there’s going to be huge second spike. In the end, he said “Well, there’s nothing you can do about it is there? So calm down.” And he’s right. I spend a lot of time coaching staff

about spheres of influence and then have done all the wrong things myself. So I gave myself a bit of coaching. I’m trying to think of one positive thing a day and be grateful. The future I think one of the big problems for me is that I like to plan and order and write lists and to know where I’m going to be, when, and what I’m going to do. And you just can’t anymore. You can’t book a holiday or plan to be anywhere, or really live beyond the immediate future, personally. Yes, we can (and should) plan at work - that’s important, but in my tiny, locked down life, I need to just accept. Is this the biggest lesson in ‘living in the moment’ I’ll ever have? probably, and I should embrace it. The secret love of lockdown You see, I’m not terribly sociable at the best of times, and a guilty part of me is enjoying the lockdown and wishing it could go on forever (but without the death and economic instability, obviously!). I’ve realised that if we won the lottery, we’d buy a nice house somewhere with a big garden and really…well…not go out unless absolutely necessary. The difference would be that we COULD go out if we wanted to, of course, which would change everything. But the social interaction, going to the shops, having to be sociable to and go and visit people - I could do without that. It’s probably a damning indictment. Yes, I am missing seeing people at work and being on campus, but that’s because it makes doing my job better and I like that. But if I didn’t have to go to work, I’d stay in pretty much all the time. Maybe that’d why I don’t get the people who want to rush out and go to the beach and shops. Maybe it’s because everything I need is here. And that’s a pretty valuable lesson to learn. And here’s June Well, that’s another 31 days spent at home in the time of the pandemic. I’ll send this off now. I can see that basically, I’m not adding anything to the narrative. I’m just doing and saying the same thing over and over. Things are obviously going to change over the coming month - lockdown is lifting. The second wave will or won’t come. The UK government will continue to be amoral and incompetent, and I suspect all the horrible situation in America will get worse. I’ll keep chewing away on the computer because I suppose that the narratives from people who aren’t on the front line or performing some great public service or disservice are actually quite underrepresented in history. I’ve never had a problem with being pretty ordinary, so this is my testament to the unremarkable people in the pandemic!

June 2020 Protests I’m looking on, horrified by the protests and marches round the world - partly because I cannot understand the way the police in the US are behaving, but also because I fear so much for the protesters and their communities with the spread of COVID. Lots of them aren’t even wearing masks. If our R rate is so dangerously near to 1, this could tip it over the edge. I suppose it’s easy for me to think that NOW isn’t the time, but I suppose, if not now, then when? And of course, no leadership from our Government - not surprising. I spent quite a lot of my 20s and early 30s on picket lines and marches - maybe I had more energy (and ethics?) then but now I can’t imagine what would make me go out into a crowd… It’s all just adding to the feeling that the world is in utter chaos…

Government… or lack thereof So we have the worst leadership in the world? Isn’t that just the truth? Over 50,000 people have died of COVID - in New Zealand - 22. And it is totally exemplified by our Government. They announce something then backtrack - total shambles - and yet STILL people are defending them. Why? And the lies… I absolutely believe that they are happy to let loads more people die in a second spike just to get the economy moving. Utterly spineless. And Boris Bloody Johnson - where the hell is he? He’s hardly been present throughout. And still people will vote for this shitshower. A nice thing I miss my work colleagues. Two really nice things happened this week. I had a zoom with a new member of academic staff to introduce her to the library and reading list system online. We ended up chatting for 40mins. After comparing notes, it turns out she lives at the end of my road! We were literally about 200 yards apart! We agreed that we would have socially distanced glass of wine when we can - how nice is that? The other thing happened at the end of a very difficult and tiring Friday afternoon. 5 or 6 of use were all working on the same spreadsheet. You can see people’s initials when they are working in a cell. For about 2 hours we had a silent, elegant, dance around the spreadsheet avoiding lines where others were working - nothing was communicated other than the slow, inexorable filling up of the spreadsheet with bibliographic details. Despite the fact that no-one communicated, I felt a tremendous kinship and team spirit as we all worked together so well and so seamlessly. It felt amazing! Mindfulness Well, mindfulness is a thing and I’m trying hard to practice it - apparently a huge number of us are stressed - quell surprise! So, when I went for my run this morning (at 4.30am because I’m sleeping SO well), I tried some. I put some Radiohead on my earphones and concentrated on sensations rather than churning thoughts. And it was good! I felt good for the first time in ages. The smells of the honeysuckle and tarmac and grass and drains were really sharp and the two magpies who were keeping me company flew from tree to tree, releasing icy drops of rain onto me as I ran underneath, and they were sharp and wet on my skin. And the gardens and trees were so green. The birds were loud, and I could ear the recent rainfall rushing under all the drains. And there was the slap, slap of my shoe lace on my leg where it had worked loose, and I sang along (badly) - hopefully not waking anyone, and I could hear my own laboured breathing - I couldn’t really sing along and breathe at the same time as my middle aged lungs and legs hauled my less than svelte middle aged body along the pavement. And my mind was quiet - just for a little while. Mamon I just don’t understand why you would stand in a crowd without a facemask on from 4am to buy clothes. I’m no a big shopper anyway but why, why? It’s not like you can go anywhere to wear them. It feels faintly obscene that people need to shop like that. Also, with the raves in Manchester. I read that “young people feel terrible because they’ve been socially deprived for so long”. Well, do you know what? There’s a pandemic - exercise some self control. It’s almost as if they think the virus has just gone away - but people are still being infected and still dying. There’s a resurgence of infections in China now - this thing isn’t just going to go away because people are bored.

Acceptance – WFH So it looks like we'll be WFH for a good few months yet. This has made me rethink the whole thing. I can't 'camp out' in the dining room anymore. I can't keep using my phone ear buds for 6 hours a day. I can't just use scraps of paper which are now piled up like snowdrifts everywhere. The bag in the corner with work files and my ID badge is going nowhere in a hurry. I've bought a picnic table and am now officially sharing the office with my husband who has worked from home for more than 10 years. I have another screen. I've bought a pair of comfortable headphones with a proper mic. I've bought a couple of notebooks with dividers like I have in my office. The files and badge are in a cupboard. I am a week into my new office environment.

And it has been good. I feel calmer, now I know that this is how it is. The sense of 'emergency' has dropped away. When fluid and ever changing is the norm, you just adapt. Interestingly, I have shifted more off my 'to do' list in the past five days than in any other week since lockdown - even moving on to a couple of things that were 'nice to haves’. I do still feel disconnected from the wider team, but the contact with my closer colleagues is good. I'm enjoying the channel on Teams for random chit chat which is good for laughs and sharing news. Yes, the world, the sector, the health situation is still precarious and worrying, but maybe this is moving into the 'acceptance' stage?

Going out After spending virtually 4 months indoors I have had to go to the shops and Post Office a bit more recently. Because Spouse is shielding, I wear a mask and gloves. When I went to the shop it was bucketing with rain. I wore a cagoule with my hood pulled right over, a mask and gloves. It occurred to me that previously I would probably not have been allowed in a shop like that because it looked like I was out to rob it - the new normal, eh? Also, on the hottest day of the year, going in to a shop wearing shorts, sunglasses, mask and gloves. What a very strange society we now live in. I feel better as no-one gives me a second glance in my mask and gloves - I feel more protected. I do worry about when I’ll have to stop wearing it as I know the virus will be around for a long time yet.

4 strains So COVID-19 is the gift that keeps on giving. Apart from those who have a short, sharp nasty dose of flu, it is emerging with three other strains. The one appearing in children like Kawasaki Disease, the one which essentially shuts down your organs and you end up on a ventilator and, more insidiously, the ‘long -haulers’ where people who have the virus are still experiencing symptoms after months. The truth is we have no idea what this disease can do to us in the long run. There are some quite frightening images of the damage done to lungs as a result of contracting the virus. There may never be a vaccine, Will it ultimately bring the NHS to its knees each winter along with the obesity and other related diseases? As we move away from the ‘emergency phase’ and into living with the virus long term, what will happen? Look at the adjustment’s society has had to make to accommodate it so far. As always, we are reliant on the work of scientists and the health community.

Trying to think like others I’m trying to work out why people insist on going to demonstrations or celebrate a football victory or go to the beach when we are still in the throes of a global pandemic. So if you feel strongly about injustice, I can sort of understand going on a demonstration. But why would you go to the beach when thousands of others are there? Do they not fear for themselves? Do they not care about other people? I saw a tweet from a

woman that said she didn’t see why her hairdresser would have to wear a visor as it would diminish the experience of getting her haircut. 65,000 have died. 65,000. I genuinely, genuinely cannot understand the selfishness of people. Do people really see only themselves when they think about things? Their pleasure is worth more than someone else’s life? Yesterday the PHW stats came out at 2pm and I checked them. I was thrilled to see that there were only 25 infections and 2 deaths. And then I had a little weep for the two people who had died and their poor, poor families. Just one death is worth a societal weep, surely - someone loved by others, leaving a hole in their lives, dying unnecessarily? Maybe I am too sentimental, but I would always rather live in hope that people are fundamentally good. This crisis has certainly polarised us.

A paid up, dyed in the wool introvert So we (Spouse and I) have decided that if we were able to buy wall paint more easily and could guarantee our jobs, we could live like this forever. Living locally is fine. Not seeing other people is fine. Not going out much is fine. We’re quite content together, and now that the initial stress of living this way has eased a little, we are settled into the gentle rhythm of lockdown and it suits us. We are closer than ever. We’ve basically spent 120 days together 24/7 and we like it. I feel very lucky. I know from colleagues who are desperate to get back to work that not everyone can cope with being cooped up and that it seems to have strained some relationships. I am counting my blessings.

Short and not so sweet I don’t seem to have written much this month. In fact, the whole month has rushed past. Every day seems the same - either a ‘go to work’ day or a ‘not at work’ day. That seems to be the only difference. So, there seems to have been little to say except to keep repeating myself. I suppose you can only remain in state of nerve edge panic and stress for so long before you move into a set of routines and ‘sameness’.

So, what’s different to the start of the month? Some lockdown easing, but not much - we don’t want to socialise anyway, so not really much change. I’ve ventured out more, been to the Post Office, good old Screwfix and the chemist a few times. All socially distanced and masked and gloved up but without the sense of sheer panic from the early days. I’m more jaded with the world, more appalled by how some people behave and in awe of how brave others are. Resigned, is how I feel. I know the worst is still to come for society, a second wave, an economic cliff-face, societal disruption and people becoming more and more impatient, and less and less tolerant of H&S measures in place as the horror of the initial spread and lockdown recedes and it all just becomes inconvenient for people. I wonder how I’ll feel by the end of July?

July 2020

July is normally the time of dusting off long dormant project plans and going to conferences, but it’s all different this year. I’m finding myself drowning in work, worrying that I’m not keeping all the plates spinning - doing more work in the evening, starting at my desk earlier and earlier. Exhaustion is always just behind my eyes. As it’s now clear we’re working from home for the rest of the year, I’m starting to worry about my team - the lack of personal contact - how do I know if they’re struggling? How can I provide support?

Work is dominating - it seems all consuming and the need to provide excellent services, recruit like mad, show you are ‘present’ and also to be seen to be doing well and learning new skills in the looming face of possible redundancies is taking its toll.

Although lockdown is easing, we are still essentially sheltering in place. I now venture to the local shop once a week too, but I’m still uncomfortable around people and freak out when they come to close. I watch people going to pubs and beaches open mouthed - this virus has not gone away - the lack of caution is incredible.

Of all the debates - wearing of masks is what I struggle with. It’s appalling that people see it as an infringement on their personal liberty to wear a mask for a couple of hours when out in public. They don’t seem to care that it’s how you protect other people and they protect you. NHS and carers wear them for 12 hour stretches and you don’t hear them complaining. And the frustrating shilly-shallying from the government whose only priority is to protect themselves, lie and make money.

I think that ‘returning to normal’ whatever that looks like is going to be far more difficult than lockdown. The rules were clear then - stay in the house. Now there are so many variables and there is a sense that you are expected to just get back to being normal, regardless of how frightening going out again is.

My husband had to go for a CT scan. In 15 years, he’s not gone to a hospital appointment alone. It’s something we always do together. This time I sat in the hospital car park and fretted about him being in there. He wore mask but he said hardly any of the patients did, and none of the staff. The Costa Coffee was heaving. Now we wait for the results - again - like always- worried it will mean more bad news. The old worries are still there, with new worries piled on top.

So my dad was 70 last Monday. My parents and my sister and her family have formed their ‘bubble’. My sister organised a BBQ. We agreed to go and sat in the corner of the garden with separate BBQ, plates, cutlery, glasses and stayed away. I’m not sure if they thought we were mad or stand offish but I can’t bear anyone to be near us. I was glad we went, but I had spent the previous week in a rack of nerves knowing we had to be in close contact with people. Am I paranoid and mad? Should we be being closer to people and acting more normally?

My sister texted to say they are going away for the first week in August and would we feed the cats? A holiday? I can’t imagine even thinking about that until next year at the earliest. I am exhausted - I’d love a break, but I worry about money in case we lose our jobs, and I worry about infection. Staying home is the best thing but even at the weekend there is the relentless drive to keep busy to keep occupied, doing more gardening, more DIY, more cleaning, more busy, busy, busy. My husband isn’t well, he can’t keep this pace up. It’s worries me.

I’ve had chronic insomnia since I was in my early 20s. It’s a good night when I get 4 or 5 hours uninterrupted sleep. Mainly I wake every hour or so and often lie awake from 3am. I’m running at about 4.45am, then doing chores, then at my desk of 7.30. I have constant weight behind my eyes - I feel to heavy and tired and I can’t see it ever ending. Lots of people must feel like this, surely.

I need to write something positive. This is like a huge moanfest.

As the panic recedes a bit, small elements of normal life resume and I’m not sure if it’s not more difficult! There’s now the decision of what you should do, and what you shouldn’t. I feel that I should go out for messages more myself rather than relying on others, but I’m not sure I’m ready to yet. I did go for a doctor’s appointment - which was odd. I’ve had a broken tooth since the end of March - I’m desperate to get it fixed - but really unsure about being so close to someone else in such an invasive procedure. After being told to stay at home, we’re now being told to go out! Some people seem really happy to be out - even to go the historic gardens and restaurants, whereas I want to stay in.

What is becoming apparent is that this is not going away. I think a lot of folk thought that if we locked down, the virus would go and that would be that. Some of the scientists (you know, the experts you can actually believe!) are saying -that this isn’t a number of waves, but one big, ongoing wave and we have to learn to find a way of functioning with it. I honestly can’t see a vaccine being here for a good while. Working from home is working for me, but I have agreed to go a couple of campus based things because I feel I need to show willing. I can’t stay in forever, none of us can.

I had a good discussion with Spouse about this last night. Without a vaccine we need to live with COVID. If there isn’t a ‘second wave’ surely, it’s just a long, endless first wave until we all die or the coronavirus does? Short, brutal lockdowns are maybe the only way to control it and try and get society back to normal. It’s clear the economy and society can’t cope with total shutdowns again. It’s also clear people are going continue to die. I completely understand this risk-based approach but I also worry enormously that anyone is going to die. I don’t want that.

I’m back to the mask thing again. If the WG just said - you wear a mask outside your home - it would be totally unambiguous and save lives. If everyone wears a face covering then we all protect each other. Then ‘normal’ activities would be less risky? No? I can’t really understand why this is an issue…

I’m confused. Why would you go to Spain in the middle of a pandemic when the Foreign Office says that air bridges can be withdrawn at any time and then complain when you have to self-isolate when you get back? There is a real sense that no-one has to take responsibility for their own decisions anymore…

It sort of feels like life is broken. There are so many freedoms I didn’t really think about having. I don’t mean the type of freedoms that people campaign against or for, but the ability to just move about in a space without checking to see where others are. The freedom to meet up with family and have tea and pass each other things and share a cup or glass. The freedom to pass through a door or on a staircase at the same time as another person, or to move amongst students when you’ve set them a task so they can show you their work and to squat down next to them to work through a problem. The freedom to smile at someone in a shop as you both reach for something without a mask on… but then…but then…we have our health, and we are comfortable and (at the moment) still both have jobs.

I wish I understood more about epidemiology and virology! Will this thing just die out of its own accord, or will it just circulate and become part of how we live? The Spanish Flu of 1918 took two years to die out and

about 50m people died. That’s pretty inconceivable. Apparently early mapping of COVID was based on what happened in 1918 but subsequent research has shown that it’s not good to compare them. I’ve done quite a lot of reading on this - if nothing else I’ll be more widely read when this is over!

So what has July 2020 been like? To be honest, and it sounds shameful in the face of a global pandemic and economic cliff-face - it’s been very same-y! Life is small, life is local, life is pretty repetitive. It’s like looking at the world through a filter as lockdown eased and then came down again. I think we’re a bit sheltered here in Wales because we aren’t even out of lockdown proper yet and others are going back in. I’m hoping this ultra-cautious strategy of the Welsh Government will pay off. The backlash has yet to hit my household - although I’m sure it will. In the meantime, we stay living small, we stay local, and we stay worried and anxious and stressed and exhausted but fundamentally grateful.