Corona Diaries

Nicole

“I don’t know who to talk to at times because we’re all finding it hard and when people are just about

managing to stay positive, I feel like it’s not fair for someone to bring them down.”

Background Information

Nicole, Female, aged 25-34 is a Senior Publishing Manager on Maternity leave with 6-month-old son

Jamie. White British, Wiltshire, Married to Nathan. Nicole’s diary expresses her worries of

coronavirus and coping with the lockdown rules.

April 2020

18/4/20

A few weeks ago, I was saying how I wanted time to slow down because I’m on maternity leave and I can’t

believe how quickly my baby is changing and growing. I know a lot of people find that the days drag now

that we’re on lockdown but I still find myself wondering where the day went even though we’re indoors for

all except 60-90mins of it.

I oscillate between anger / frustration at the unfairness of it all - my mum lives an hour or so away and

retired the week that lockdown was announced in order to spend more time with me and Jamie - and

gratitude that we’re not in a position where our wedding is cancelled and plans to start a family are

postponed. People say it must be hard having a baby at home under lockdown but at least we don’t have to

worry about home schooling and at 6 months he is at such a delightful age that he is a wonderful

distraction. We’ve started weaning him into solid food so that in itself is a new activity each day and I’ve

taken advantage of the lockdown to try to get him into more of a routine though this might be more for my

benefit than his. He rolled from his back to his front for the first time today mid-FaceTime with mum which

was lovely that she got to witness it!

Ironically, now that we can’t see people in person we make more of an effort to call, send photos and video

chat so we do “see” them more often... every Friday is pub quiz night with my university friends and their

other halves. Our turn to be quiz masters next week.

I’m trying to train myself not to think too far ahead as the future is so uncertain but it’s hard when you’re a

natural planner / organiser and even harder when existing anxiety keeps creeping up. Like a lot of people , I

am trying to limit my intake of news as it was starting to get to me and I’d end up in tears.

19/4/20

Since lockdown the TV has become the radio. Listen to radio 2 rather than having news on constantly -

partly to stop Jamie watching TV too.

I used to be happy not putting make up on if I wasn’t leaving the house but I seem to make a point of

putting it on every day... It makes me feel better.

Trying to stay in the moment is an effort. I have to try not to be overwhelmed by the sadness of the

situation.

Had a cry today in the bathroom. Really missing my family and friends and OH SO grateful for my beautiful

boy who keeps me smiling every day. He is my joy.

We seem to have at least one alcoholic drink a night. I’m limited anyway due to breastfeeding (thank

goodness) or it would be easy to get carried away....

20/4/20

Our days seem to centre around food. We plan more so that when we do a food shop there’s no waste but

at the same time we’re indulging in treats etc that we wouldn’t normally! I’ve made more soup in the last

month than I have in my entire life - I won’t throw anything away if I can help it. Feel like I’m in “waste not,

want not” mode. I haven’t braved the supermarkets since lockdown and I get very anxious when Aaron

goes...

Find myself starting sentences with “if anything happens to me....” a lot.

22/4/20

For the past few weeks we’ve bedded into a routine.

6-7am - Jamie wakes, I feed him

7:30 - we come downstairs, have tea and toast, feed the cat

8:15 - take Jamie up for his first nap (8:30-9ish)

9:15-9:45 - Get Jamie dressed, set lounge up with play mat, toy box, baby gym, swing chair (!!) - play time

9:45 - feed him

10ish - watch a baby class on iPlayer or iPad (daddy comes down from attic office for coffee)

10:30 - try Jamie with some solids

FaceTime or video call someone!

11:30-12:45 - walk around the village with the pram so Jamie can nap

1pm - feed Jamie; then eat my own lunch

2pm - maybe some more solids to try

3pm - nap time

3:30 - feed him

4-5:30 - playtime

5:45 - start bedtime routine

I don’t know how or when this will all end and that makes me more anxious than anything. I’m afraid that

lifting restrictions before a vaccine is in place just means “good news, we’ve got more PPE and ventilators

should you need them”.

23/4/20

Holding back tears today. Really miss my mum. Trying not to think past the end of the month...

It’s the Big Night In on BBC this eve to raise money for charities affected by Coronavirus. I’m finding it hard

to laugh along with the sketches etc as I’m just feeling so overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. We did our

clap for carers at 8pm this eve as we do every week and it makes me so emotional. I’m beyond proud of

our National Health Service and I’m just in awe of these people leaving their families at home, putting

themselves at risk and helping others - and so many of them so underpaid and undervalued. I always think

of them and what they must be going through, witnessing and experiencing only a few miles away at the

local hospital.

Aaron doesn’t seem phased by the situation - he’s so much more level headed and rational than me - and

can digest news all day long.

I really need to get a more positive outlook and just get my head around the situation. I can’t be like this for

the next few months (or more)...

26/4/20

Feeling much more positive today... sun is shining, Jamie’s been a delight, got a few chores done, chatted

to mum via video. Haven’t listened to the news at all. No plans to.

29/4/20

Our days are starting to feel too samey - I’m worried that Jamie isn’t getting enough developmental

stimulation. I try to play with him as much as possible but it’s not the same as mixing with other babies...

Sad again today. I’m so frustrated that our plans for Jamie to have all this time bonding with my mum have

gone to shit. I’m not sure if it’s easier or harder that there’s no one to actually blame. I really miss my mum

and I can’t see the end of this lockdown. Mum seems resigned to not seeing us for the foreseeable future,

i.e. end of the year. I can’t even imagine what the situation would be if this continued over Christmas. There

would be so many people flouting the rules then and we’d be back to square one. Really angry at people

not taking lockdown seriously as it is.

I don’t know who to talk to at times because we’re all finding it hard and when people are just about

managing to stay positive, I feel like it’s not fair for someone to bring them down. I’ve got a lot to be thankful

for, I know that.

30/4/20

Yesterday was hard, emotionally. Managed to hold it together all day and then watched something sad on

Netflix in the evening and broke down. I feel like I’m just riding on waves of anxiety;

sometimes it’s manageable to coast along and other times it engulfs me. It’s all around, in every day life -

nothing is “normal”.

One thing I’m enjoying is “seeing” people more - I make more of an effort to call and when I do it’s almost

always video. Maybe that’s why I put make up on most days! I didn’t yesterday... wonder if that contributed

to feeling shit.

It’s so weird to not have plans. To look ahead to the weekend and think, well, how can we pass the time?

The only difference is that Aaron isn’t working and has a few beers Friday and Saturday. I’m dreading

turning the page on the kitchen calendar tomorrow as we had so many plans in May that I’ve yet to scribble

out.

May 2020

3/5/20

Aaron’s mother came to the house yesterday. She wanted to see Jamie so planned to knock on the window

at 6:50am on her way back from collecting her Tesco shop. We said to open the front door and we’d stay in

the house keeping the porch between us but by the time we got downstairs she was in. She stayed by the

front door and we stayed in the hallway but I just felt so uncomfortable having someone else in my house.

She stayed for about 15 minutes but I’m anxious she might ask to do it again. I know she wants to see

Jamie and I want him to see her too but I don’t want to break any rules or tempt fate.

There’s talk of lifting lockdown measures in the coming weeks and again I can’t say I’m excited at the

prospect. As we’ve seen, if you give a mass body of people vague or loose guidelines they will take the

piss and spoil it for everyone else. I just hope the rules are clear - this is what you can do; this is what you

can’t do.

My friend’s father has tested positive for COVID-19 but has absolutely no symptoms. He’s in his mid-late

60s. His son who lives with him works in a care home so qualified for testing. Just goes to show how you

can be spreading it without knowing. I know a few more people in their 30s who believe they’ve had it and

were quite unwell at home.

6/5/20

A few people have said to me that they feel for my situation being on maternity leave and stuck in the

house. I definitely made the most of classes and our NCT group before lockdown and had plans to be out

and about every single day. But since lockdown I haven’t really felt hard done by in that sense. I’ve loved all

of the quality time with Jamie with no real distractions, places to be, etc and we’ve established a routine

that seems to be working for us now. It’s only when I stop and think about what we were doing in January

and February that I realise we had quite a busy social life and then I miss it. A lesson in not taking the little

things for granted like going for coffee, hugging people, visiting friends... wonder how long that will last.

Perhaps the reason I’m not “missing” it as such is because I’d be too afraid to do it even if lockdown was

lifted tomorrow!

9/5/20

Apparently, the potential for lifting lockdown measures will be announced tomorrow.

12/5/20

As predicted the message from the government has people more confused than ever and even Wales,

Scotland and Ireland can’t agree with England. In England our new message is to “stay alert” rather than

“stay home” although we’re still meant to stay at home as much as possible. The easing of restrictions in

England means we can meet one other person from another household on a one-to-one basis... this is fine

but my family live in Wales so that doesn’t help me see my mum and mum to see Jamie. We don’t know if

Jamie counts as a person too in which case should we not meet others when with him? I’m anxious about

extending our little bubble both for safety reasons and because I worry about offending people. I miss my

mum terribly... but it looks like it’s the in-laws I’ll be seeing instead.

What a difference the weather makes. When it was cold, wet and windy out we didn’t go for our usual walk

and it really affected my mood. It’s weird to not be making plans and looking forward to anything.

14/5/20

Aaron’s taking Jamie to meet his mum for a walk later and I feel so uptight about it. As soon as lockdown

measures were eased slightly in England allowing one person to meet one other outside (at 2m distance)

people immediately seek to stretch the rules: “just come to the garden,” “I’ll come to the house but stay

outside” etc. I miss my family desperately but I’m so anxious about our bubble. Also have suspicions that

someone I know who had virus symptoms still left the house during their 7-day quarantine period to walk

the dog (via the car!) and take their partner to do essential shopping - it makes me so mad that people can’t

follow rules even when it’s a matter of life and death. Everyone things “well I’m ok” and that’s all that

matters.

I read the news this morning and it’s already affected my mood - WHO reports that there may not be an

end to Coronavirus, rather it might be something we learn to manage like HIV, teachers’ unions saying

schools should NOT be reopening despite plans to do so within two weeks and now reports that a

secondary virus has been discovered affecting children.

15/5/20

I feel bad about being uptight about Aaron’s mum seeing Jamie. We should be making the most of him

seeing other members of the family and I know they miss him desperately. Think I feel a bit possessive

perhaps!

17/5/20

Feels like such a long time ago that we would be making plans to go out somewhere or do something on a

weekend. Even just a stroll around the Outlet in Swindon on a Sunday morning. It feels like it’ll be even

longer before I’m comfortable doing something like that again. We spoke to Aaron’s dad via Facebook

video earlier - we were meant to be seeing him for his 70th birthday in Cornwall at the beginning of June

but that’s been cancelled. He’s only met Jamie twice and he’s 7 months now. I was really looking forward to

introducing him to Aaron’s Cornish family and being by the seaside!

Now that the car parks have reopened at country parks I might make an effort to take Jamie out

somewhere different this week...

19/5/20

Met a colleague who has a baby 2 weeks younger than Jamie. It was lovely to have some different

company and for Jamie to see another baby! I don’t think I realised until today how lonely I’ve been.

I don’t think I’ve taken stock of how genuinely anxious I’ve been feeling over the past weeks too. I think a

collective anxiety about lockdown and the pandemic has potentially masked underlying historic anxieties

that are creeping up to the surface. Without watching the news you can almost forget that people are still

very unwell and dying from this disease. All you focus on is not being able to live your life as you once did.

Not seeing my friends and family is taking its toll now.

24/5/20

We’ve taken Jamie for walks with his Grandma - Aaron’s mum - twice this week and it’s been lovely for

them to interact. I felt awkward meeting them on Wednesday as she didn’t stay 2m away as we were

walking but did when we sat down on picnic blankets. Aaron saw her yesterday and had to remind her to

keep her distance. It’s so crazy to think you need to do that but also it makes me stressed to think of people

getting too close.

How you come to appreciate routine when there’s no prospect of variety in your day! It’s really benefitting

Jamie to have such a solid routine and I think it’s making the days go quicker for me. Not that I want them

to, but I know what to expect and I’m not drumming my fingers wondering what to do next!

31/5/20

Aside from walking Jamie in the pram I have only been “out” twice since lockdown - once to collect a take

away from the pub and once to collect fish and chips. Aaron has been doing all of our shopping - mostly via

click and collect but sometimes in shops. I’m currently sitting in the car in a queue at Tesco waiting to

collect our shopping and it’s just hit me again how real this all is. It’s easy to become accustomed to your

indoor bubble and forget that there is a threat out there. The shop workers are wearing masks and gloves

and the only contact is to confirm your name. Looking at the outside of the supermarket makes me anxious

enough as it is such an easy place to contract or transmit the disease. It just feels like an alternate reality or

some bleak Cormac Macarthy novel.

I am completely brainwashed by the new guidelines - TV shows and films seem strange now where people

are standing close or hugging. I find myself judging groups of people and being sceptical as to whether they

live together or are from more than one household... I’m measuring the distance between them by eye and

shouting in my head THAT’S NOT 2 METRES!

June 2020

5/6/20

I’ve never known time go so fast as it has since Jamie was born. I think it’s because he is a constant visual

marker of time passing - he is a completely different baby compared to before lockdown (and the last time

my family in Wales saw him). Compared to 4 and a half months Jamie can now sit up confidently on his

own, grab things, eat solids, take a bottle, is sleeping so much more, rolls and turns himself, says “dada”

and is well on his way to crawling.

It’s so weird how you become acclimatised to the death toll numbers... when the virus first arrived in the UK

we were shocked to see the total number of deaths creeping up each day: 26, 45, 71, etc. and now we’re

saying “good news, only 176 more deaths in the last 24 hours”. I predict we’ll be looking at 50-60k by the

end of the year. At least.

It’s felt good to see family and friends for socially distanced walks and chats in the park on picnic blankets.

We’ve been blessed with the weather as only outdoor meet ups are allowed. It’s going to be hard to stay

vigilant as life creeps towards normality - I picked up the post yesterday and I always wash my hands after

but I scratched my nose and panicked about it afterwards!

8/6/20

I’m starting to really struggle with the Groundhog Day of it all... I love spending time with Jamie, he is my

joy and keeps me going no matter what, but I do feel bleak in myself. I just don’t feel like I have anything to

look forward to. I’ve not had a break from him in months and it is taking its toll on me mentally. I also feel

trapped with these feelings because everyone is struggling - of course they are - and everyone has their

own challenges to deal with so I feel like I can’t burden them any more. These feelings come and go.

Hopefully it’ll pass soon.

10/6/20

It’s mum’s birthday next week and I’m considering driving to Wales with Jamie to see her in the garden. I’m

such a stickler for rules but having different rules in different countries and this stupid 5 mile rule in Wales is

beyond ridiculous. How can it be ok to travel more than 5 miles for work, to go to a supermarket, to care for

a relative, to see a doctor but you can’t go more than 5 miles if you want to see your grandchild?! This is

where people will lose faith in the rules. There needs to be an explanation and a reason so people can

understand the limitations aren’t arbitrary.

The weather has hampered any plans for socialising this week. I managed to get out on Monday for a

socially-distanced catch up with another mum but since then it’s been me and Jamie indoors. I try to go out

when it’s dry even around the block. I do feel more alone when there’s no prospect of meeting up with

anyone and no real reason to leave the house. It’s dark outside too which doesn’t help.

16/6/20

It’s mum’s birthday today and I so wanted to see her but I’m just so anxious. Her partner has 3 daughters,

one of whom is 15 so has been going between her two parents’ houses every week and the eldest (in her

30s) went over for lunch on Sunday - which was planned outside - but when it rained mum suggested they

come in to the conservatory “because it’s practically outside”. I want her to be able to see Jamie and hold

him etc but I want her to have not seen anyone else to minimise the risk. I have such ANGER at this stupid

fucking virus for making me uptight about seeing my friends and family. It’s put an invisible wall between

us. Usually I’d love to see Jamie’s grandparents hugging him but now I’m dreading it. Ha! “Usually”...

lockdown has been going on for almost half his life now so what is “usual” for us anyway?!!!?

I could cry I’m so mad at the situation. A friend of mine is due to have a baby next week and I wanted to

see her tonight. The weather was shit so couldn’t see her outside and even though she invited me in I

refused to go. I just want to go back to normal. I want my life back.

I just want to say “fuck it all, I’m going to live my life” but at the end of the day people are dying. I could die

from such selfish behaviour and a need to get my life back.

21/6/20

The past few weeks have been hard. With lockdown starting to ease but social distancing rules still in place

I almost feel more frustrated than ever. Knowing that the threat level was extremely high and everyone was

on complete lockdown was easier to get my head around than the risk being “lower” (what does that

mean...?!) and some things being allowed but not everything. I struggle to get my head around children

being able to go to school / nursery but can’t see their grandparents? The prospect of being able to sit in a

restaurant but not your mum’s house. Being able to travel to the Severn bridge but not go over it.

When the risk was high I had no problem staying indoors but now it’s lower the message seems to be

“you’ll be alright... probably”. I can’t get my head around it - I want to know definitively that my actions won’t

cause me or anyone else to become severely ill and it feels like we just won’t know that...

Today was Father’s Day. It’s not a day I usually celebrate as I lost my dad when I was 16 but this year is

Aaron’s first as a dad and it was a lovely day. We went on a bike ride (Jamie has a special baby bike seat)

and it was my first time inside a supermarket since lockdown. Apart from the queuing outside and

maintaining distance inside it wasn’t as weird as I imagined... Well, aside from people walking around with

masks and me wiping the basket down with an antibacterial wipe.

24/6/20

The weather it glorious this week (if not a little on the hot side for me!) which makes such a difference to my

mood. The announcement last night was that restaurants, pubs, hotels, hairdressers, etc in England can

open from 4th July. No news for the same happening in Wales. Also from 4th you can have people in your

home but maintaining social distancing and they can stay over. I feel like this is a bit of a catch 22 as how

can someone be in your home for an overnight stay and not touch everything - I don’t see how not hugging

is going to be the safeguard here. Anyway... I think I’m the same as a lot of people now thinking th at we

can take the risk if the government is allowing it and I just need to have the contact for my mental health

and for Jamie’s benefit in seeing his family! A few weeks ago I said to Aaron that I wouldn’t want to go to a

restaurant even if they did open but now it’s a different story. I’m already thinking of a date-night so the

grandparents can watch Jamie!

I still feel uptight and I’m worried I’m going to get it when I go back to work.

29/6/20

I think everyone I know is bending the rules except for us. I’m upset because I’m jealous. I feel like we’re

missing out on having some normality to our lives by adhering to the rules while everyone else is enjoying

themselves. I wish I could think “sod it, it’ll be fine” but that’s just not me. A lot of people are angry at the

scenes on the news of Bournemouth beach and the recent protests where thousands are congregating with

no regard for social distancing but it’s the MILLIONS of people who are bending the rules by having friends

and family over, etc. that will cause further lockdowns.

July 2020

5/7/20

In keeping with the new guidelines, my best friend came over yesterday... it was lovely to see her but just

felt so strange not to hug her... I hate the barrier this pandemic has put between us. She’s a teacher so I

feel she’s quite a high risk and I felt uptight about what to do when she came in - where do we sit? How do

we sit? How am I supposed to clean the sofa?! It’s awful treating your friends like they’ve got it when you

both could be perfectly healthy.

Aside from the obvious physical impact of this pandemic, it is almost impossible to put into words what a

head fuck it is. You’re constantly looking ahead to the future and trying to second guess what that might

look like - what will normal look like?! - but you have no frame of reference. No one knows what will be

going on past the end of the week. We can’t really plan for the situation to continually improve as there

could be a second lockdown, further spikes etc. and we could be back to square one - or worse. The

invisibility of this threat makes normal seem an impossibility - an absurdity almost. We can go into people’s

homes now but must wash our hands regularly, we can’t hug, we can’t get closer than 1m, we should

disinfect EVERY surface, we shouldn’t sit directly opposite them, we shouldn’t laugh, sing or shout lest the

droplets reach you through the air and also children can’t hug their grandparents..... oh! Unless you live in

Scotland - then it’s allowed. Oh, and children can go to school, nursery, etc. but their grandparents are to

be seen as a deadly threat.

I can’t take this.

10/7/20

Both grandmothers visited this week. What made it difficult is that our other siblings have let the

grandmothers pick up their other grandsons and we are the only ones sticking to the guidelines... or were.

Even when they were in the house - keeping a distance - they would still touch Jamie’s toys, play “peek-a-

boo” (essentially spitting in his face!) and tickle his toes. By that point I thought, well you may as well just

hold him then - it seems so stupid to not allow that one physical act when I can’t mitigate any of the other

risks of them physically being in the house.

I went for coffee with another mum and her baby yesterday at a local pub / bistro. We had to book a table in

advance, re-read the guidelines upon entering, walk through a one way system around the bar to our table

and remain there, either ordering via the waitress or via an app. The staff assured us that the table and

high chair had been cleaned before we arrived but I still wiped it down with my own antibac wipes. It was

nice to get out and feel some semblance of normality but there was obviously a heightened sense of

anxiety in the background whenever someone walked past our table or went the wrong way around the 1

way system etc.

Latest figures say that the 0.03% of the population have coronavirus. We’re visiting my mum and Nan on

the weekend and whilst I’ll absolutely keep a distance from nan, I’m tempted to just behave normally at

mum’s.... I want someone to tell me that’s ok.

13/7/20

It was so lovely to be back in Wales this weekend. We did socially distance at mum’s but I let her play with

and pick up Jamie. He loves playing with her and I’m so glad they can start to properly build that

relationship now that he’s more responsive and active. We stayed for a few hours and had a nice lunch with

a few glasses of Prosecco. As we were getting in the car I realised I’d left my phone in the lounge so went

back to get it and couldn’t help hugging Mum on the way out. We visited nan (she’s 96) but kept our

distance from her - she was itching to pick Jamie up but we were extra careful - obviously more for her

sake than ours.

As much as it was lovely to be back there was an element of guilt for forgetting about the situation we’re in

and enjoying normality... and an anxiety that what if we’d taken too many liberties and relaxed just a little

too much?! I also felt sad the next day and missed mum so much. I wish she lived around the corner.

I’m finding the days a little harder now lockdown is easing - when we had no choice but to stay in there was

a resilience to it and a sense of making the best of it but now that I could go out somewhere (a cafe or

shop, etc.) I’m wrestling with weighing up the risk to me (and more importantly, Jamie) vs. feeling like I’ve

wasted another day indoors.

18/7/20

One of the things I’m grateful for in all this is the new-found appreciation for simple things. We’ve had a

lovely day today and all we’ve done is walk to the shop for milk (which I wore a mask for) and go on a little

bike ride to Hall and Woodhouse for coffee and ice cream. We sat outside looking over the canal and Jamie

loved it in the high chair!

Walking around shops and locking eyes with other customers above their masks is such a surreal

experience... I feel like I’m living in one of those apocalyptic films. It still doesn’t feel real.

22/7/20

Today I went to the post office (donning my mask again) and for a drink by the canal at H&W. At the post

office the staff were wearing various facial protectors: full visors, homemade masks, surgical masks but

often taking them off or pulling them down to talk to customers. I overheard one chatting to a customer

about how ludicrous it was to wear masks and how can you go to a restaurant without one but you have to

wear one in a shop? I’m obviously following the guidelines but I have to say I agree with the question: how

can you be allowed friends and family over in your home for hours or overnight but walking past a stranger

in a supermarket means you need a mask?

I feel like the government is loosening the guidelines in order to place the blame on the public if there is a

2nd wave. Literally EVERYONE I know has failed to socially distanced appropriately - including myself. I

think they must have known that as soon as you allow people the leeway to have friends and family indoors

the game is over. There is NO WAY people are socially distancing behind closed doors. Some are even

daft enough to demonstrate this on social media.

Just when life feels like it’s returning to some form of normality the headlines continue to warn that the virus

will be around for years to come, a vaccine may not work, previous exposure doesn’t mean immunity, it

could be worse in the winter etc etc.

There’s no let up mentally.

27/7/20

This weekend felt a real return to some normality. I met a colleague for brunch with her son and then took

Jamie to his grandma’s house for a few hours on Saturday. I did a food shop on Saturday for the first time

in ages and felt really good to do something that mundane that I’ve been anxious to do for so long (even

wearing a mask). Sunday we had a picnic with my uni friends and their families which was lovely.