Corona Diaries

Rosie

“I have just come out of some darker days. I really felt like I was losing myself. With so much time to think, I feel like I have realised what makes me the person I am.”

Background Information

Female, aged 25-34, Funding Officer (furloughed), West of England, White, Single, living with friends.

March 2020

22nd March

I was on holiday all of last week and wanted to write but I kinda didn’t want to acknowledge what was going on in the world as I naively thought I might not have to but here we are 2 weeks after the best birthday weekend in a very different world! So coronavirus has spread across the world and now everything is shutting down apart from food shops. Absolutely mental! We aren’t allowed to meet up with peeps – social distancing. I am going to start working from home. Luckily, I still have my job as lots of people are/have lost them. We have no idea how long this is going to last at the moment. I feel like it will be like 3 months, but I have no idea really.

26th March

We were meant to be going to Madeira, but things quickly changed on Friday 13th - Saturday 14th Morning. When I was packing my bag on Friday 13th in I did kind of think we wouldn’t be catching the flight on Saturday! I felt really uncomfortable travelling through London on the tube and tried not to touch anything.

We ended up booking a cottage in Dorset. We went for lots of lovely walks along the coast and for nice food. It felt like we were away for ages but it was only Saturday – Thursday. We watched the news so kept u to date with everything. It did feel strange to be in this cottage in the middle of no where in our little bubble which wasn’t changing but watching the rest of the country change so rapidly on the news. Whilst I was away work decided to close which was the right decision but still felt really sad.

Sam and Alex dropped me back to Bristol which was very kind of them but good job they did because my coach got cancelled! Managed to do a food shop on the way home which was good.

They announced the lock down on Monday. I think it is going to be really important to document my feelings and the worlds feelings and house things whilst this is all going on. It is a very strange time! I feel like it will be studied for many years! - I will be writing more often

Speak soon!

Ps. Tonight at 8pm the UK went outside and clapped for the NHS! It was a really magical moment.

29th March

Hello, been a couple days since my last entry. Completed my first full week of working from home and it went fell. Friday I felt most distracted.

Ashley made a lil pub in the garden on Friday which was fun, had a few drinks in the garden and enjoyed the sunset. We made pizzas and had our first friend video call drink meet up thing. I ended up drinking a fair bit and stayed up late chatting to everyone. It was really nice talking to everyone but at first it was a little strange. On Saturday we set up the projector and watched a happy feel good film, I feel like we have to choose the films we watch carefully as we just want something that will make us all laugh and happy.

During the week I have been doing a dance at 5pm when I finish work and put it on instragram. It is a really nice way to finish the day, get a little bit of exercise in and so far everyone has really been

enjoying watching them. I feel like it is good to add structure to the day where I can and have a clear divide to when I finish work and the evening begins. I wear my usual jazzy tropical clothes and I am asking for song requests and stuff!

31st March

Week two, day two of working from home and I have felt really distracted/restless and down. I have lots of work that I can be doing and it is interesting but I just don’t feel motivated. I am struggling with the two monologues that are going through my head of, not motivated/restless/distracted and why can’t you just do a couple of simple tasks and that I should be so grateful that I have a job still and that work have been good and pretty relaxed about the whole thing.

I felt better after I finished for the day at 5 and did a dance. I think I might try and learn sign language to use at work. I’m going to have a look at a few bits online.

April 2020

April 8th

So the rest of week two of working from home followed a similar pattern I was very distracted and unmotivated. I don't know if it was the general mood in the house or because the novelty had worn off but i found my self in a battle over why i am not motivated, I do enjoy this work and it isn't hard and I am so lucky to still have my job and security of a job. Having that running monologue whilst also trying to work made me very distracted.

We have a lovely weekend in the house again. We made pancakes and sat in the garden. Leigh and I did a Caribbean dance workout which was really great - I think we will do something like that every weekend. I don't exercise much apart from commuting to work but seeing as I am not doing that anymore I felt so great after the workout.

On Saturday we went on to twitch - a music streaming service and watched a DJ we like and we were on a zoom call to 50 people who were all dancing. We then had an ‘after party’ with just our group of friends on a separate zoom call. It was really fun and we stayed up till about 1am dancing.

I do feel very grateful for everyone that I am living with. I think my experience of this would be very different if i wasn't living with such creative and uplifting people. As a house we don't have a TV so we aren't watching the news, but we are keeping up to date with the local radio and headlines that pop up on our phone.

I haven’t left the house since Saturday, and it is now Wednesday. It is strange how not strange that feels. Last week I didn't leave the house for 4 days as well. I do feel scared about getting the virus a lot more than I did when I was in Dorset a few weeks ago. I don't know if that is why I don't want to go outside or if I am not finding the need to go but I am pretty happy just staying in.

PS. Its bank holiday weekend and I am bit worried about people behaving stupidly resulting in a harsher lockdown, but we will just have to wait and see.

April 14th

So, it has been about a week since my last entry. I was pleased with how last week’s working week finished and I created an education STEM video to go out on Friday. I needed to go to the shops, but I heard the queues were massive, so I decided to go to the corner shop instead. I got pretty much everything I needed. Luckily the corner shops are well stocked even if their prices have increased.

The weather was beautiful over the weekend, spent a lot of it in the garden reading. We painted eggs for an eggs-hibition with our friends, watched a film together on Saturday evening and on Sunday went on an easter egg hunt which a friend organised for Leigh. Then we did our eggs-hibtion and showed our eggs on zoom.

In many ways this felt like a normal weekend, went outside bit, did some nice creative activities, tidied my room. It made me realise I need to make time to do the above more in normal life as opposed to being so booked up with plans.

This weekend the death toll reached and went over 10,000. I had heard the numbers rising as we had the radio on in the kitchen in between the top 80s hits. Whilst we were away in dorset i think it was the health minister said a good outcome would be if we could limit it to 20,000 deaths. That just didn't seem like a real number but now we are more than half way there. I feel so much for all those individual families who are now grieving and how as a nation and world we are all grieving. And how hard it must be for people that were already struggling before this. I can’t think like that for long as it is really overwhelming. But, knowing that is happening it makes me realise how very lucky I am for the house I am in with a garden, the people I live with and job I have. And that my friends and family are doing ok.

My worry right now is not knowing what effect it will have on us as individuals. Will we be forever traumatised by it? How will other countries deal with it? What will be done to remember the lives of the people who have died?

April 20th

Well today hasn't been the best day. I found out I am being furloughed as of next Monday. The new girl at work has just started, turns out I know her from a passed job so that’s nice. So, I’ll be inducting her next week and trying to fill her in on everything before I have to stop working which will be hard. As a result of those calls, I didn't get much done till late in the evening today. Write more soon - I’ll have lots of time soon…

May 2020

May 4th

I have been on furlough for a week now. First week has gone well. I did a lot of firsts, dyed my hair with red henna, baked banana bread and made my first veggie lasagne. I have watched a series on Netflix and read normal people, we have all read it in the house and we are going to watch the series together which is nice! I have received some nice things in the post. Billy sent me some home made body scrub and Charlie sent me a friendship bracelet. Jordan sent us a huge bakery delivery which arrived on Friday morning, it was so amazing!

Charlie organised a bingo zoom and it was really fun, we all ended up drinking a fair bit and staying up late so I felt very hungover the next day.

I will try and write a little more this week. I am surprised that I haven’t written more but I haven’t felt sad just been trying to take every as it comes. Trying to do exercise when I do start feeling bit shit. I cycled up to the bridge for the first time in 7 weeks - so crazy! It was so beautiful and it made me miss work so much. It was a beautiful day and everything was so green! To date there has been 27,000 deaths in the UK which is just insane. It will never be the same again.

11th May

Just thought I’d do a little entry before bed. Its a little late now. The last couple of days I havent felt as good or positive. I just don’t feel myself I cant say I feel bored as there is still plenty for me to do and havent made a start on any online courses.

I wrote a quiz for friends in London this week and we did that at the weekend which was really fun. The prizes were £10 gregg voucher, a poem written by me, and a painting done by me. Frankie wanted a poem about Greggs so I wrote a sonnet to Gregg haha. I painted Alex a puffin! It actually turned out really well! Never painted something before so was pleased with it! Will finish the entry there as my hand is cramping. I am getting a pain in my hand/arm from holding my phone so much I think!

15th May

Just a little note, I am now furloughed until at least the end of June which I guess isn't a surprise. But it is harder to work in/focus on, I felt like I was coping well with the three-week block. The lockdown rules were

3 weeks and I had been on furlough for 3 weeks, but it now feels like a giant soup of dates and weeks and I feel like I’ll get lost in the days and weeks even months!

17th May

Now Sunday and another week done! We had the big reveal today of our self-portrait challenge. It was so much fun, I can’t believe what a creative bunch we all are! I had Ashley and it turned out really well and I was happy I could give it to her as we live together.

I guess this week I have felt a little lost, like I have run out of things to do. I miss my friends, family, commute, work, volunteers, dancing with all my friends and hugging them all. I miss it so much and it makes me miss my mum as it evokes the same feelings of grief. I feel that isn't space for me to feel sad about my mum amongst all what is happening right now. I felt the psychical pain/ache in my chest which I usually feel when I think about missing my mum. But I guess it all comes back to grief // grieving for things that once were. I am so worried about what the permanent effect it will have on me personally/as a friend/people close to me and the world as a whole. I feel heavy and tired.

May 22nd

I have just come out of some darker days. I really felt like I was losing myself. With so much time to think, I feel like I have realised what makes me the person I am. I love being a friend to people, sharing stories, meeting new people, organising endless plans/events for me and friends to look forward to. All of that right now is gone or compromised. I understand this is a feeling that a lot of people must be feeling. But yeh I was feeling very low!

Ashley and Leigh noticed that I wasn't feeling great and Ash gave me a big hug and made me dinner and got me some treats from the shop. Leigh came into my room and gave me some hugs and we just lay down and spoke for an hour or so. The following day, Ashley invited me on a bike ride and we rode to a nearby village, it was so beautiful. The cycle path was a little busy but the village itself was quiet. We sat by the water and had a beer and relaxed for an hour or so it was really nice.

Wednesday I was feeling better and sent a message to our group chat to see if anyone was in the park as they hung out there yesterday. The replies were that they didn't understand the rules and thought we shouldn’t be meeting up in groups etc, even though we had all discussed it before. Jordan said that she didn't agree with our laissez faire attitude of meeting up. I know they were just saying how they were feeling but I took it kind of personally! I hadn’t even been at the park the day before!

It made me realise that the transition period is going to be harder than actual lockdown. At least with that the rules were clear and everyone was on the same page. Everyone has a little more space to act and react now which is fair enough but I hope it doesn't but a strain on friendships. Yesterday was fantastic day and probably the day that felt most normal. I went food shopping, hadn't been for 3 weeks, and it felt like a fairly normal experience. There wasn't a queue and the shop wasn't too busy. I met a friends for a picnic in the afternoon, tried to not touch the same things and had our own plates/cutlery and drinks. It was so lovely to be outside all day and we went for a walk around the harbour. I got home and spent the evening writing a poem. I was inspired by Beans on Toast song Human Contact. This week instead of dancing at 5 I decided

to share a poem I had written instead as I felt so shit on Monday and thought I couldn't possibly dance. I had a few nice responses and a few people asking who wrote them, ME OBVIOUSLY! Last week I shared some poems as part of the virtual grief group on a Wednesday which was really nice too. It was nice to meet and talk to some new people even though it was on zoom.

May 31st

Another week/month done. It has been a rollercoaster of a week with highs and lows throughout. Thinking back to what I wrote earlier in May, that the transition period is going to be harder than lockdown is proving very true. This week I have finished another book called ‘If no body speaks of the remarkable thing’ - a book I had been meaning to read for years. I was inspired to write a little after finishing it so started a little something.

I started dancing again this week. This week I challenged myself to dance to songs from films and dress up as the character from the film. I did Matilda, Trainspotting, Pulp Fiction and for Friday’s finale I did the Sound of music intro. Leigh & Cameron helped me film it and we went up to the mound and the park. It only took 2 hours to film and edit! It was so so much fun and such a great way to spend a morning! It has been very hot this past week and it has made it even harder to get to sleep. I have been having really vivid dreams as well! Hopefully it will cool down at night soon.