Corona Diaries

Sam

“I wonder if writing in this “diary” every day is helping - like flexing a muscle. Something to chew on.”

Background Information

Male, Aged 25-34, Furloughed in TV and Film Production, Lives in London, White Welsh, Heterosexual and Single.

14/03/20 – Saturday - First entry

London seems... mostly the same? Roads are heaving with traffic, shops are open, reasonably busy per a passing eye. The market is open as usual, families out and about, people dining. Helps that weather is perfectly decent of course. I guess I was just expecting an immediate debasement to 28 Days Later - exacerbated I expect by the significantly more anxious world of social media and the Very Online.

Only sign anything has changed is in the supermarkets - pretty much stripped bare of anything long- life. Pasta, rice, eggs, milk, bread - even cous cous, quinoa (good old Clapham). Bigger the shop the harder they’ve been hit by the looks of things - heart goes out to the staff, must be like Xmas with seasonal spirit swapped with existential anxiety and fear. Can you imagine dealing with misinformed Joe Bloggs as he rages at you about toilet paper shortages? No thanks. Prevailing fascination with the general cognitive dissonance of the whole thing - i.e. people audibly complaining about other people buying things they themselves wanted to buy, seemingly oblivious that they’re invariably part of the same problem...

Walked to my favourite Costa, no obvious difference with the clientele or business. On my part, a slight deliberation over how to simultaneously bag a table with a power point, order my coffee, and get to the bathroom straight away to wash my hands (a bathroom which requires a door code - there’s a health & safety self own for you in the age of Covid-19).

Having said all of that, the moment a middle-aged chap sat behind me and started coughing (without covering his mouth in any way!) I got of there pretty sharpish.

Back to the flat where H continued to be ridiculous. Give me the strength to see through the inevitable quarantine with my emotionally sensitive, ultra-depressive, ex-fiancé.

Solved an argument with a hot chocolate. Played Fire Emblem: Three Houses and drunk wine. All good.

15/03/20 – Sunday

Lazy day - did almost precisely nothing which was a joy. Work prep and cleaning the bird’s food took a few hours out of the day but other than that it was just TV, Fire Emblem, and bad food (last Dominos of the apocalypse? Probably). Diet and exercise firmly out of the window... back on it tomorrow!

Also bought some underwear off Amazon before the post system completely disintegrates or something - washing machine appears to be working again but it would be vintage 2020 if the damn thing broke during the peak of the pandemic.

16/03/20 – Monday

Back in work - but for the last time! Not ever, just in Soho. And only for now. WFH from tomorrow, hopefully I’ve toed the line with my boss whereby he knows I’ll be able to do it just fine without also knowing I spent pretty much all of 2019 doing it... Anyway, timing was rather fortunate as H’s rhetoric hit fever pitch, half-expected to come home to changed locks if I couldn’t guarantee WFH for a few weeks.

Expect I’ll quickly come to loathe being home all day - it’s a very different experience staying home to keep your fiancé company versus staying home with only your ex for company. I also liked the Encore office and the people there - I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 years sat in a room in my own so it was good to have professional and/ or friendly company.

17/03/20 – Tuesday

Day 1 of Working From Home! It’s... largely the same. I’ve spent most of the last 3 years sat in rooms by myself while working. At least I have the birds for company, always cheer me up (when they aren’t being especially loud or irritating).

New government measures have put a darker spin on everything... expect we’ll have more of a stringent lockdown by the end of the week. At least in London.

But yes... an ordinary day really. Expect work will be a bit of a struggle in the next few days/ weeks - mastering the art of “perceived busy-ness” is a must, if only because there isn’t enough coming through that directly requires or concerns me.

Oh - and finished Fire Emblem. Good game if not a bit bloated. FF7R physical copies are likely to be delayed, so looking like I’ll need to ditch the habit of a lifetime and pre-order on digital.

18/03/20 – Wednesday

Day 2 of WFH.

H in bed all day which helped break the day up somewhat, otherwise it was the same as yesterday. Treating myself to an open window before the birds get up to freshen the flat up a bit - really starting to stink with the piles of cat food everywhere.

Covid-19 concerns grow ever more, like some especially unpleasant weed - objectively I know I’m at the smallest risk but, similarly objectively, this whole thing can change and mutate into something altogether more nefarious and omnipotent without any notice (or being able to do anything about it). I like to think I’d be handy in an apocalyptic situation - I’m intelligent, disciplined, responsible, and well organised - but I’m also a two time graduate in English and Film studies who now works in the arts. I’m first up for the literal chop.

School closures announced today - gods forbid being a parent right now. I guess it’s time to meet the consequences of your own decisions! Harsh I know but still, how many people have kids without really wanting one? Guess we’re about to find out...

19/03/20 – Thursday

Day3ofWFH

Can already see a pattern forming here - days are largely fine and largely

exactly the same: attempt to get up at 8, eventually get up at half 8, make coffee and breakfast and then sit down at my computer for the next 11 hours. Trying to find little ways to break up the days - like treating myself to a visit to the bathroom or holding out on the next cup of coffee so I really appreciate it when it comes.

Went for a walk to the next town to check out the smaller supermarkets there - better stocked as expected. I do love an Asian supermarket, it's like a small silo into another world. Couldn’t quite stand the sight/ sound/ stench of dead fish though, my vegan wankerism grows day-by-day.

The next town over - what’s wrong with you??? It was rammed. I’m sure it’s made me ill - that and/or the surprising drop in temperature today.

Found the card that H gave me when I went to film studio to argue against my redeployment to Wales in an old notebook today. It was from back in 2016, we hadn’t been together very long, and the whole “Wales” thing was our first big fight. It was one of the loveliest things I’ve ever received, promises of always being there for each other. It was hard to read it again. I tore it up and put it in the bin bag which I took outside. Tried to forget about it but it niggled at me all day long - had a cry in the evening. Then reminded myself why we broke up - I deserve someone who loves me always, not just when things are easy.

Sore throat came on post-cry, bit phlegmy... apparently it’s a normal reaction but in the world of Covid-19 every unexpected blink is a siren call from death-by-plague. Let’s see.

20/03/20 – Friday

Day4ofWFH

They’ve finally cancelled Cannes. Or postponed it at least. Would love to have been a fly on the wall for those discussions - Oz and his curtain comes to mind. Of course, it’s easy to joke, when the reality is that my industry is flat on its back at the moment, never mind its knees. Effectively every film and TV production in the Western world is down. 170,000 people (at least) out of a job in the US and UK. I’m thoroughly burnt-out and sick of my own job but also very aware how lucky I am to have one. Buggery knows how we collectively recover from this one - how many cinemas will be left? Can studios keep the doors open? Will the crew base even be there anymore when so many will have been forced to leave the industry altogether? Alternatively - selfishly - there’s a potential major opportunity to fill an inevitable content vacuum if I’m able to actually start writing again...

Boss called and reassured me that my job was secure no matter what, which was appreciated - again, the personal caveat being an underlying frustration that I’ve lost any semblance of leverage to negotiate different terms. But in the grander context of Plague World it’s a minor concern.

Work was fine - the real adventure was in the evening when H sent me a long text message (despite sitting 2 feet away) asking if I wanted to get together with her. I do not. We talked about it - it was resolutely unpleasant - and now, for only the 58th time, I’m hoping this conversation has been put to bed. I’m not going to lie - it’s hard. I miss the affection, I miss the closeness. I miss having a cuddle on the sofa. I miss her. But for everything that I miss there’s something else that I need, something that that relationship didn’t provide, which I owe it to myself to hold out for. It’s been 5 months since the break-up and they have not been easy, learning to be selfish has been arduous, learning to enjoy my own company has been a chore - but I’m getting there. A step back right now is just that: a step back.

21/03/20 – Saturday

Shifting the counter to what I’m going to call “Plague Days" because there’s nothing like nihilistic humour when everything is objectively terrible. So: Plague Day 5

Really wanted to walk into Central London for the full “28 Days Later” experience, can’t imagine I’ll ever have the chance to experience anything remotely similar (or at least I bloody well hope so!). Unfortunately however, poor G has been quarantined owing to his house mate being symptomatic for Covid-19 - so instead I went out and a did shop for him. It was a 6+ mile walk all in so that was plenty enough for one day. Plus, maybe it’s best to ration out potential activities from here...

Did a big workout which felt good, then just played video games and drunk some wine. A normal enough Saturday night in profoundly abnormal times!

Thought: it feels like there’s a gap for a more elegant/ succinct word to describe people who haven’t necessarily been diagnosed with the disease but need to isolate anyway? Starter for ten: “Poor bastards.” Work in progress...

22/03/20 – Sunday

Plague Day 6

Sundays are my usual do-nothing days... so I pretty much did nothing.

Cleaned the flat, video-call with my mum and sister for Mother’s Day, then

just lots of lying around eating and playing video games.

Had a little moment in the evening - I think standard pre-Monday anxiety

mixed with “end-of-days” anxiety and I had a small sob.

McDonalds closing down is a watershed moment isn’t it? Oh to live in a timeline where a global conglomerate fast food chain isn’t putting your

own government to shame over it’s lack of decisiveness and planning.

Managed to get a curry from my preferred takeaway in the evening which was a win, expect most places will march in step with McDonalds from here.

23/03/20 – Monday

WFH Day 5/ Plague Day 7

Regardless of whatever else might or might not happen - it looks like

Mondays will continue to be admin central in the long weeks to come. Which is to say, rather boring but also busy, so no complaints. We’re remarkably still plowing on with the TV series... though I’m really struggling to see how that’s going to continue through to the end of April.

Well, there it is, a lockdown that isn’t a lockdown as meekly pronounced by the boneless sack of skin we’ve been blighted with as a Prime Minister. Everything is going to close - or is it? Nobody knows because they won’t say. Cowards. Bracing myself for another day of idiots continuing with their usual lives tomorrow followed by harsher, but still ambiguous, demands from the government. Somebody put Ronald (McDonald) in charge!

Talking of idiots - an electrician came around in the afternoon to fit the new smart thermostat (because when in Wankerville, do as the wankers do). And, my god, what a resplendent idiot he was. Diabetic, with cancer, and a heart problem, but fully on the “coronavirus is being whipped up to scare people” bandwagon of malignant scrotes. Tried just biting my tongue until he left but I couldn’t and, to be fair, after I pointed out that he can die however he damn well pleases (genuine quote from this specimen: “I was marked for death the day I was born. I’ll die when I die”... give me strength!) but he’s also going to kill other people, he seemed to change his tone.

24/03/20 – Tuesday

WFH Day 6/ Plague Day 8

I’m genuinely not sure what, if anything, actually happened today. I got up, I worked, I exercised, I showered, I slept. It was a fantastically ordinary day except for the fact that I didn’t go outside (despite the obnoxiously gorgeous weather we’re having).

Few interesting scriptwriting opportunities opening up... just need to get over the damn fear of the whole thing!

25/03/20 – Wednesday

WFH Day 7/ Plague Day 9

As has been observed ad infinitum on Twitter - this whole period feels like the no man’s land between Xmas and New Year. Or “twixtmas” according the denizens of the Internet. What day is it? Where are we? What’s going on? Who knows anymore. Every day is pretty much any day. And vice versa. Trying my best to keep up some semblance of a daily structure which is helping - ie. still getting dressed in normal work clothes the morning, eating at the same times, exercising as normal, only being a pyjama slob in the evening. Maintaining my loosely vegan diet is helping too, gives a bit of day-to-day focus and structure. Also finding any opportunity to practice self-control and discipline to be quite valuable! Bizarrely, it seems that my completely ad-hoc self-care regime nonsense I started following post break-up has set me up rather well for the day-to- day toils of societal lockdown. Whodathunk.

Work has been surprisingly busy this week which is... good? I guess. It’s hard not to fall into the twixtmas paradox of thinking this is supposed to be a holiday and, as frustrating as it can be to still be putting in 12+ hour arduous days, it’s handy to at least have work to slap my idiot brain back into gear.

26/03/20 – Thursday

WFH Day 8 / Plague Day 10

I went outside today - the contrast with a couple of weeks ago was stark.

The High Street largely empty, most shops with the shutters down, posters and signs up everywhere you look with advice/ warnings about Covid-19. Most strikingly, the wine shop just around the corner from the flat (gods, this really is Wankerville) was boarding up its windows with chalkboard (or something, I’m a media soy boy, not a builder). Now this may well just be reasonable precaution for a shop that will largely go unmonitored for an unknown period of weeks... but it did have a “preparing for the riots” vibe. We’ll see.

The weather has been absolutely glorious this week - expect it’s helping to keep the community on the right side of sane. I’m enjoying it of course but, personally, there’s nothing better than a good rain storm when you’re stuck inside.

H lost a huge chunk of her work today, so we’re into a new depression cycle. Finding I have less and less patience for this sort of thing these days - I can’t really abide by the “woe is me, fuck it all” attitude. If you aren’t going to try then, well, what are you actually expecting?

27/03/20 – Friday

WFH Day 9/ Plague Day 11

Both Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock (and Chris bloody Whitty!) have been diagnosed with Covid- 19 today. This is objectively funny. I of course wish them (albeit begrudgingly in my darker/ comrade-er moments) a full recovery - I don’t think wishing death on anybody does you or anyone else any good. Even those truly malicious idiots who spout on about how the whole thing is “a media hoax, it’s just the flu, I’m going to the beach.” There is no eye-roll emphatic enough to express my distaste and frustration which such specimens - that attitude is literally killing people! Anyway, I am enjoying the prevailing irony under which we’re all seemingly living with millennial folk telling boomers to stay inside for the sake of their health. There’s poetry everywhere if you look hard enough...

Work was busy as bollocks - which, yes, I’m thankful for but, also, it’s been 79 WEEKS now. All on one show - marathons eat your heart out. I’ve never needed a holiday more. I am exhausted, not to mention the inevitable mental fatigue from the perma-anxiety under which we’re all living at the moment. Still keeping up my diet and exercise which, to be honest, I’m quite proud of. Can’t overstate how important it is for giving me a sense of purpose and control - I fear the other side is just dark pit of abject misery. And we don’t want to go there.

28/03/20 – Saturday

Plague Day 12

I went outside today, huzzah! Naturally, the weather took a turn for the

grim, but at this point I’m convinced that the universe/ Mother Nature/ Cthulhu are fully committed to trolling the human race into extinction.

Anyway - the walk was lovely, did about 4 miles according to my adorably inaccurate phone tracker. The streets are measurably quieter, with the boarded up shops everywhere you look nailing the “apocalyptic chic” vibe. Took a walk around the Common, hoping a bit of fresh air might kick my brain into gear so I can start developing these ideas I’m sitting on like some idiot hoarder. Hilariously - or fittingly, depending on how you look at it - I had a bit of breakthrough while queuing for Lidl. Yep, that’s right, we’re at “queueing for Lidl” level of sociological breakdown. I can’t wait to bore my grandkids with such underwhelming fables - and I mean “grandkids” in the royal sense, i.e. whichever urchins I happen to be sharing a bunker with in a few decades time.

Apparently it takes 12 days to reach the "I should start baking" level of quarantine. Therefore, with 3 old bananas as inspiration, I thought (with the confidence of an idiot) it would be a swell idea to take a crack at banana bread for the first time. As it turns out, lacking a bread tray, a coherent recipe, or the general aptitude for the intricacies of baking, I've sort of MacGuyvered a franken-banana-bread- cake instead. It looks okay? And, if I do say so myself, it tastes bloody delicious. If glazed layered buttercream banana cake wasn't a thing before, it is now. You're welcome, world. Also, the birds have approved. I've never felt more validated.

29/03/20 – Sunday

Plague Day 13

Was up pretty damn late this morning/ last night - pick a team. For the first time in a very long time I genuinely had the drive and enthusiasm to write something. And not just that, but to write it in full. That’s right - I actually finished a script! For the only the second time ever. Granted it’s only 10 pages but that’s still maxing out the page count for competition I’m entering - now to submit the damn thing and forget all about it, lest it niggle at me like some furious bug.

I wonder if writing in this “diary” every day is helping - like flexing a muscle. Something to chew on.

Net result is: I’m very tired. 5 hours sleep if that. Aided immensely by Mr. Bodybuilder Magoo upstairs hosting a digital PT session on my ceiling this morning. My head hurts, eyes hurt, but - I feel proud myself, a rare enough thing, and something to grip dearly with both hands when so much of everything else is so woefully miserable.

The cake remains delicious.

Also it might have snowed briefly this afternoon? Preceded and followed by blaring sunshine - timely reminder of the ecological breakdown still baring down on us all. Thanks, world.

Anyway, got myself a customary takeaway curry as I refuse to cook on Sundays. Regular place was closed so I had broaden my horizons, the tragedy of it all. It was... decent. Not a scratch on the regular: 6/10.

30/03/20 – Monday

WFH Day 10/ Plague Day 14

I submitted my script! Now to forget about it entirely.

Dominic “herd immunity” Cummings is self-isolating today after showing symptoms of Covid-19. Whatever your political persuasion, this is objectively hilarious.

Personally, a very ordinary day - work, exercise, cook, shower, sleep.

Didn’t manage to finish Pokemon in time for Persona 5 R’s release, woe is me.

H attempted another “heart-to-heart” conversation at midnight for which I was thoroughly not in the mood, fingers crossed it’s not a signifier of another long, emotionally-fragile week to come.

31/03/20 – Tuesday

WFH Day 11/ Plague Day 15

Is it seriously only the 11th day I’ve been formally WFH? Time really has lost any semblance of meaning.

In better news - it’s Persona 5 Royal release day! I can’t remember the last day I was genuinely giddy for something, it’s a good feeling to have.

Almost nostalgic.

Growing increasingly concerned about G who’s really struggling with his family and - I think - being effectively isolated by himself. He’s a good egg (the best) but can be a bit silly, just have to hope he can look after himself.

Otherwise, a thunderously ordinary day.

01/04/20 - Wednesday WFH Day 12/ Plague Day 16

April buggering Fool’s Day - the most obnoxious day of the year is all the more odious following the longest March of recorded history. I swear, if I see any brand’s making snide comments in a desperate bid for attention I will scream them into the sun. Voted in the Labour leadership finally - not sure what I was waiting for, maybe divine inspiration? I went for Starmer in the end as he seems the most electable. I guess I’ve been holding out for Maria to do something extraordinary and bolster her credentials but I didn’t see very much - not that I’ve been looking either, to be fair. Voted for Allin-Khan for deputy, she genuinely seems like a good egg and there’s too few of those. I was struck by how inconsequential the vote felt. I was so fired up post the election in December and even January - back when the world was still functioning and the Labour leadership election hadn’t yet felt like the world’s dullest ultramarathon. But now - with the country (and all the rest) facing unprecedented crises for breakfast and the Tories predictably shooting up in the polls - both the Labour Party, and the nonsense circus of British politics more generally, has never felt more facile, impotent, irrelevant.

02/04/20 - Thursday WFH Day 13/ Plague Day 17 I can definitely feel a bubbling sense of anxiety growing. It all just feels a little bit insurmountable. The news is so unremittingly grim but it’s like an addiction - I guess derived from being stuck indoors, as though by having an up-to-date idea of what’s happening outside you can convince yourself that you still have some sort of connection to the wider world? It’s a total fallacy of course but when there’s so little of much of anything else I’ll feast on fallacies all day long.  I’m listening to the daily press briefing from the government and just despairing - the disconnect, the miscommunication, the utterly unnecessary and unreasonable confusion. I’d say it couldn’t have possibly been more bungled but then you steal a look across the pond at the United Trumps of America and I’ve ever felt so sick. To lean on an exceptionally lazy phrase: you couldn’t even write it. Nobody’s imagination is so repugnant and evil as the actual federal government of the USA and its cancerous blight of a so-called President. In other news, a big earthquake shook Yellowstone this week and the US has storms of unprecedented size and destruction forecast for this year. Partnered with the locust swarms in Africa and the new generation plague locking us all indoors and it’s all starting to feel just a little bit Biblical out there! Will keep eyes open for horsemen in the sky...

03/04/20 - Friday WFH Day 14/ Plague Day 18 I’ve lost count of the amount of times people have asked me “how’s your living situation” - or something to that extent. I do sometimes wonder how many other people are in the same situation, namely quarantined with your ex-fiance who broke up with you 6 months ago because she wanted to be with someone else (who then broke up with her less than 2 months later, sending her into on ongoing depression spiral the brunt of which you’re often left to face alone). I’ll start a club, if I can.

The short and genuine answer is: it’s fine. Mostly. We had the bulk of our arguments before the lockdown and we’re now getting along in a perfectly friendly way. We were friends before we were a couple and I still hope to remain friends when we eventually go our separate ways - and most days I’m reminded of why, as they’re perfectly pleasant and she’s good company. But - and it’s a big old but - when things get bad, they are bad. And I’m worried. H was already struggling enormously with everything which, selfishly, is tough for me too - I still love her, of course I do, but I can’t be her source of support or comfort anymore. It’s not fair to me, or to her, and I have to fight every natural urge in my body to not do everything I can to help. It’s thoroughly wank.  And things aren’t getting better on that front - she’s lost the bulk of her work due to Covid-19 and had another big blow this week which has basically bed-ridden her completely for several days. It’s a fairly normal crisis response for her, so trying not to worry too much on that front… however, she did quite pointedly reference "having suicidal thoughts” last night and that’s sitting like a lump on my shoulders. Because, even though she dismissed it, I know she has that in her. She’s tried before, self-harmed before, and her entire life has been inextricably linked to her father’s suicide. I don’t think she’ll do anything while I’m here. Which leaves the inevitable thought: what happens when I’m not?

04/04/20 - Saturday Plague Day 19 Lovely weather today so went for a walk around the Common - plenty of people out and about but, from what I could see, all largely respecting the social distancing rules. Fully expect a media-fuelled pushback against any pleb who decided to escape from their flats for a bit of vitamin D however (we don’t all have gardens!). It’s depressing it in its predictability. Oh gods give me the strength and constitution to survive being locked indoors 24/7 with literally any number of children - my little birds are more than enough! Managed to complete another 1,000 calorie workout to my pleasant surprise, I’ve never sweat so much in my life but I’ll do pretty much anything to permit a gluttonous sloth of a Sunday. To that end - I baked a lemon cake for the first time following my Mum’s recipe, which I think made her happy. Came out well too, I do say so myself! What can I say, I’m a basic baking bitch now.

05/04/20 - Sunday Plague Day 20 Lazy day! Not that that means a huge amount in the age of quarantine. I try to mark it by making sure it’s the only day I’m in my pjs for the full day - though I changed to a slightly less scruffy t-shirt for G’s pub quiz, which was a lot of fun. Not least because I won! Day went downhill from there - thumping headache for some reason (I’m blaming the heat in here - H insists on keeping the heating on) and a thousand technical issues meaning that my first ever D&D session debased into a 2 hour debug. Oh well, hopefully set up for next week now.

Tried another new Indian takeaway. Better than last week but still not measuring up to the usual: 7/10. I’ll end up going on a culinary adventure of every Indian restaurant in Clapham by the time quarantine is lifted at this rate.

06/04/20 - Monday WFH Day 15/ Plague Day 21 Well wasn’t that just screamingly predictable - all day has been a chorus of calls from a variety of deplorables to close down all parks and outdoor spaces. It’s inevitable now I think, especially as we have a 4 day weekend coming up for Easter. Crushing shame that a select ignorant few are going spoil outdoor spaces for all of the rest. In less predictable news, Boris Johnson started the day in hospital and ended it in ICU. Hoping this sharpens some of the more staunchly moronic minds out there - this virus does not give one salty shit who you are.  My politically correct opinion on this whole thing is: I hope he gets better. Of course I do, he might be a repugnant blemish of a human being who’s caused incalculable harm to this county in order to feed his own voracious vanity and narcissism, but he’s still a person and I don’t think it’s right to wish death on him or anyone. My more honest take is: the man doesn’t deserve an easy out. He has not earned the right to die now. To eat up time and resources from an NHS he has spent his entire life working to dismantle. To die a martyr for a country he has shown little more than contempt for. To be idolised by a public that he wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire, for whom his decisions have made their lives demonstrably worse. Just because he was killed by a disease for which his refusal to take seriously has led directly to the colossal mess in which we all now find ourselves. He does not deserve to have statues built of him because he “got Brexit done.” No - he must live a very long life to see, in its fullest extent, the damage he’s caused to his supposed people. I would rather he die of decades of shame and guilt, not a disease. If only he was capable of it.

07/04/20 - Tuesday WFH Day 16/ Plague Day 22 Work was a particularly dry and arid landscape today, I've never had to so thoroughly flex my "perceived busyness" muscles. Though, frankly, I fully suspect that most of the remaining team are spending big chunks of their day not doing a huge amount. I think I've worked out why I'm absolutely knackered by 11pm every day - there's no such thing as "switching off" right now. Even though I'm sequestered comfortably at home all day every day, I don't think it's possible to actually relax. All day every day is mental exertion right now, even if you aren't consciously aware of it (which I don't think I am largely, my active anxiety tends to come in waves during quieter moments). Constant worry, constant wariness of the unknown - of course it's flattening the old grey matter. I'm keeping up my physical exercise regime, which is helping to keep

me sane - but the burn after a 1,000 calorie workout is nothing compared to the exhaustion of 3 solid weeks of mental toil.

08/04/20 - Wednesday WFH Day 17/ Plague Day 23 Well here we are, the day where all I have to say is that there’s nothing much to say. Took longer to get to this place than I expected to be honest, good innings. On we march.

09/04/20 - Thursday WFH Day 18/ Plague Day 24 It is here - the Final Fantasy 7 Remake has arrived a whole day early! This will likely be the highlight of 2020 and I'm okay with it. The influence the original game had on me isn't something I'll be able to properly describe or quantify outside of saying, entirely genuinely, that I wouldn't be the same person today without it. In other words, I'm excited. Turns out I have bank holidays off - whatever that means anymore. I'd rather get paid, especially as I have no idea how long I'll actually be able to continue working, but maybe some time to actually rest might be worthwhile. Plus, bonus time with FF7R. Quarantine was made for gamers; never again will we need to scramble for excuses to ignore good weather and sit inside instead.

10/04/20 – Friday Plague Day 25 Had the day off and the weather was glorious, so decided to go for a walk to Wandsworth park. Figured I'm just going to walk in a different direction from my flat every time I go outside to get a better sense of where I actually live. London is so heavily silo'd it's easy to forget that you're actually living in one of the biggest, most diverse, cities in the world. The park was beautiful, very much worth the walk. Really quite busy, people yoga-ing and cycling everywhere you look. Doesn't personally bother me a huge amount, provided people are keeping distance from each other - and me! - then by all means live as you want to live. The rest of the day was exercise and video games, nothing more thrilling than living as a screaming juxtaposition.

11/04/20 – Saturday Plague Day 26

Trying to maintain my usual daily/ weekly pattern lest I lose any remaining grasp on reality - therefore, went for a walk around the park as usual and popped into Lidl. For a treat. Lidl is basically a holiday resort now. I've also decided that I'm just going to completely lean in to the whole baking thing and carry on with my weekly bakes - going to take a crack at a chocolate banana cake this time. Remarkably (he says without even hint of sarcasm, genuinely) there's a coffee shop open on the road from Lidl serving coffee out of a window hatch. I couldn't resist - the absence of good coffee has left a gaping whole in my life. Reading that back and I think I just imploded from the privilege... wankerville has truly claimed my soul. Baked the cake and it was excellent, there ain't no stopping me now. Also played D&D for the first time while multi-tasking my Duolingo lessons. The former was good fun, the latter a chore. Need to recalibrate my approach to language learning a bit I think.

12/04/20 – Sunday Plague Day 27 Sunday. My usual "off" day - though the whole concept feels like a cosmic joke right now. It was good to get a break from the workouts as I think I've been overdoing it but, for reasons I just can't put my finger on, I've felt this bubbling anger and frustration building all day. It's an irritation that I can feel just under the surface, like an itch which flares whenever something inconveniences me in even the most minor way. Maybe it's hormonal? Maybe it's the cumulative mental drain of 4 weeks of lockdown and the preceding numerous months of mounting chaos? Who knows - but it's unpleasant. Boris Johnson is out of hospital which is, of course, a good thing - every death is a tragedy. But gods give me the strength not wish the most vicious leg cramps on all of the sycophantic ingrates and their hero worship, demanding adulation from us peons for our Dear Leader. No thank you, matey. He might be the Prime Minister but he's no better - and a whole lot worse - than most of everyone else. Except Dominic Raab - every day he has stewardship of the county is cause for hyperventilating fear. In other news, FF7R is a glorious achievement and I just want to live in it until I'm able to go outside properly again.

13/04/20 – Monday Plague Day 28 In a right mood today - mixed with "back to work anxiety," which is a sunny holiday compared to the "end of times anxiety" that's permeating much of everything else right now. Tried exercising which just frustrated me rather than releasing anything. Not much else to say. A day for hiding for my and H's sake.

14/04/20 – Tuesday

WFH Day 19/ Plague Day 29 Glad to be back into the rhythm of work today. Still though, just... angry. Irritable. Maybe I'm not eating enough? It feels like the 2 weeks over Christmas again which was probably the darkest time post break-up. Keep losing my rag with the birds, same as over Christmas. It's like my patience isn't even there right now and I don't like it at all - work rankled me no end with a deluge of daft requests at the end of day. Still though, good to be busy, can feel an odious sense of aimlessness building like a bad smell. Probably isn't helping with anything. Hoping it’s just burn out (says the masochist), not too far off 2 years without a proper break now. Need a damn holiday. Or, put another way, just not this. Found out my Dad very likely had Covid-19 in February. Step-mum assures me he's fine but still - the ludicrousness of it took my breath away. Barely hear a word from the man and when I do try to check in he says little more than "everything's fine." That's it. No follow-up. Because things absolutely aren't fine are they? You nearly died of pneumonia last year and still treated a fucking plague like it was no big deal. How much of an idiot can you be? I genuinely can't think of my Dad for too long, it's like a fissure in whatever mental foundations I've built over the last few years to generally deal with the world; poke at it too long and the whole thing will collapse.

15/04/20 – Wednesday WFH Day 20/ Plague Day 30 Felt a bit calmer today. It was less hectic in work and there have been generally less annoyances floating around. Thinking hard about where the irritability is coming from. I know that one my major mental quirks (to use a kind word) is struggling to handle not being in control, it's why I find arguments so emotionally harrowing. Wondering if maybe the fact that nobody has any control over anything right now has been wearing me down without realising it, like grinding your teeth at night without noticing until, out of nowhere, you hit the nerve... Odd note, have had a few dreams partially in Japanese - normally written or spoken somewhere. No idea what's actually being said but I'm choosing to take it as a sign that the lessons are started to embed somewhere in the old grey matter. Found out that my script inevitably didn't make it today. Not at all surprising - biggest surprise was getting a response at all! - but still disappointing. Like they say, it's the hope that kills you.

16/04/20 – Thursday WFH Day 21/ Plague Day 31 Firmly in Miserable Bastard mood today. The whole world is just once massive pulsing annoyance. Work was very quiet which probably didn't help... left me in a spiral of sitting around like an idiot

without anything to do while feeling like I should be doing All Of The Things and not actually wanting to do anything at all. Competing hard for Least Surprising Announcement of the Year award - the lockdown has been formally extended by a further three weeks. That's three entire weeks before we find out it's been extended by another three weeks. If the lockdown is lifted before June I'll eat whichever pants I have left. Big workout in the evening worked wonders thankfully, fingers firmly crossed that I'm shuffling out of this silly mental funk.

17/04/20 – Friday WFH Day 22/ Plague Day 32 Rain glorious rain! I forgot how much I missed you, my oldest friend. Being stuck indoors forevermore is grim enough, never mind when blue skies and beaming sunshine mock you from outside. Meanwhile, a hermit's life matched with grey skies and rain showers is a heavenly marriage. Well, it didn't last long, the sun soon returned to glibly mock us all. Played Risk with C and the bunch with a few glasses of Baileys in the evening, very good times were had.

18/04/20 – Saturday Plague Day 33 Cheesecake day - time to take my budding baking buzz to the next level. Buggery knows how far I'll go with this, at the moment it's directly proportional to the length of the lockdown. "Gosh, how did you possibly keep track of time during Quarantine?" "Hold on a sec, lemme count my cakes." Had my usual walk around the Common followed by a supplies run to Lidl. Noticed they've taped up all of the benches around the common to stop people sitting down which just strikes me as ludicrous, not to mention monstrously unfair to the entirely abandoned homeless population. Turns out that flimsy tape doesn't make for much of a barrier however, most of it has already been ripped up. The cheesecake bake was certainly an adventure. Realised just before I put the thing in the oven that I'd made about 2.5 times more batter (is that the word for cheesecake?) than I needed. Therefore, an emergency second cheesecake was required. Both came out looking surprisingly not awful, taste test in the morning...

19/04/20 - Sunday Plague Day 34 Do-nothing-Sundays, how I live for thee.

Cheesecakes came out well and are bloody delicious, a resounding victory. Feeling weirdly proud of myself. G ran his pub quiz again which was a good laugh, managed to pick up a second consecutive win with thanks to H - expect there's a target firmly on my back now! Other than that, just video games and a takeaway curry. A good day and a good weekend helped no end by a considerably better mood. Going to chalk up last weekend as a hormonal aberration.

20/04/20 – Monday WFH Day 23/ Plague Day 35 Back to work - isn't really a huge amount more to say on it really. Just a normal ambling day, lots of admin per usual for a Monday. Days remain long even though they're considerably less busy, comes with the territory when you work across a big divergent timezones of course - doesn't stop it from irking though! Should finish FF7R soon, anxious excitement is building... 

21/04/20 – Tuesday WFH Day 24/ Plague Day 36 Oh for the day where I don't have to queue for 30 mins to enter any given shop! Brief visits to the Post Office and Sainsburys today took over an hour following multiple stretches taking part in a human daisy-chain up the High Street - feels like some avant-garde art installation to illustrate the plight of street walking sex workers. Which, to be fair, would be entirely in-character for Wankerville. Lovely surprise hamper from my step-mum today cheered me no end! Not a peep from my dad but what else is new. Did work, did a work-out, did a shower, did food, did video games. Day has been did.

22/04/20 – Wednesday WFH Day 25/ Plague Day 37 Purely anecdotal of course (and the plural of anecdote is not data as they say) - but I swear it's considerably busier outside now. Went to the post office in the afternoon and there was a lot more traffic and people on the pavement - bit odd really as all of the shops that were closed remain closed and the queues for the shops that are open were no longer than usual, so can only surmise that people are just... wandering around? It's inevitable I guess, the resilience of the average human spirit for an given task can only endure so long, but still disappointing. Can't help thinking that a bit more clarity from the government would help here, would bet a tenner that New Zealand aren't having the same problems...

Starmer took his first PMQs today in a "virtual" House of Commons which, to be honest, was a whole new world of better, if no other reason than because the partisan farmyard braying that normally accompanies any given chunter was completely awol. Starmer himself was very good, a smooth and effective performer and interlocutor (as befitting a QC I guess) but, then again, a pair of old, moth-balled, damp socks could give Dominic Raab a run for his money.  Finished FF7R, can fully understand why some people are upset (though the manbaby fury tears of so-called "superfans" are as hilarious as they are wearying) but I liked it overall. Looking forward to the sequel in 2032.

23/04/20 – Thursday WFH Day 26/ Plague Day 38 Interesting times in film and TV as the great and the good of the industry start turning their proverbial hive mind to how we might get things going again - in a weirdly privileged position at the moment as A is heavily involved everything owing to the PGGB, so I'm literally witnessing the future of the UK industry formulate in real time! It's also making me feel weirdly anxious - like I need to chipping in with some killer contribution? I think I need to take a bit of time to remind myself that I'm still a relative newcomer with only 5 years in the industry - whereas as everyone in the so-called "Recovery" group has 20+. Apparently hairdressers will need to stay closed for a further 6 months post whenever the lockdown starts lifting... I will be a sentient lump of hair by then. Something to look forward to!

24/04/20 - Friday WFH Day 27/ Plague Day 39 What did I do today? Fairly normal workday followed by a workout and dinner. Pleasantly unremarkable really, may there be many more. H is clearly gearing up for another new relationship judging by a few choice tweets - with a girl this time. I feel... okay, I think. Or more okay than I did the first few times. Feels like we might have turned a corner on that front, for which I will be monumentally thankful.

25/04/20 – Saturday Plague Day 40 I can't see how we aren't going to hit a second peak at this rate. Went for my usual walk around the Common and it's so much busier outside now. If it wasn't for the fact that 90% of the shops are still shuttered, you'd think it was a normal Saturday - streets full of people, roads full of cars (thankfully not the other way around... yet). 

There's a delay on this things of course, so here's boldly predicting that we'll see a new peak forming in a couple of weeks (so just as the current three weeks of the lockdown is going to reviewed). Should be a jolly. Cake of the Week this week is Caramel Cake - took me more hours than I care to remember to find caramel anything in the shops (to enter which required queuing for a good hour). Fortunately, the cake came out well and I'm chalking it up as a win. Wonderful catch-up all evening with a few old uni mates, one of whom I hadn't talked to in a good 9 years! Regularly marvelling at how much more in touch I am with friends during the lockdown than I ever was when life was "normal"... sincerely hope that the habit sticks.

26/04/20 – Sunday Plague Day 41 A not-so lazy Sunday this week - finally cleaned the bathroom instead (it was well overdo). Other than that, lots of lying around and eating. Won G's pub quiz for the 3rd week in a row... think I'll need to lose next week to avoid any kind of mutiny.

27/04/20 – Monday WFH Day 28/ Plague Day 40 I think that Bertie is ill. I absolutely cannot even contemplate the idea of losing either her or Pennie. It's no exaggeration to say that it would totally break me. I am not exactly at my most robust, mentally speaking!  Going to use daily entries here to track symptoms. As of waking her up at midday today she has been taking very regular (every 5-10 minutes), very watery droppings. Whatever solids there are a darker green than normal. She has also been drinking a huge amount (first time using water bottles rather than using the taps!) and has seemed a bit more docile and sleepy, though she has played a little bit. Hoping it's just a 24 hour thing that she needs to work through her system... but standing by to find an urgent vet. Which I'm sure will be a right laugh during lockdown. Not to mention the embarrassing lack of avian vets in the entirely of London! Oh fucking Christ, it looks Pennie is potentially ill in the exact same way. After calming down a little - I think it might a response to the poppadoms/ cake/ pizza crust I keep letting them nibble on. High and sodium and high in fat, so bad for humans and deadly for birds! Must do better. In other news, Boris Johnson is back to work and has clearly learned the square root of shit all. Did dancing with death humble him at all? Did it fuck.

28/04/20 – Tuesday WFH Day 29/ Plague Day 41

Bird update: still not right with runny droppings, very green. Looks to be a little bit better but not sure if that's wishful seeing... They do seem a bit more energetic, flying around and playing, lots of grooming, so no concerns on the behaviour front. Bought £20 worth of fresh fruit and veg, going to start serving the buggers salad and whip their diet into shape. Pennie took a downturn in the evening. I have a very bad feeling about this,

29/04/20 – Wednesday WFH Day 30/ Plague Day 42 It's as a feared. When I eventually plucked up the courage to take the cover off the cage it was obvious that Pennie is not okay. Puffed up, struggling to breathe, note eating. Managed to get an emergency appointment at the animal hospital. Pennie will be staying with the vet for the night. He suspects it's psittacosis, avian chlamydia, and Pennie may well have inherited it from her mum. Bertie will have it too and will need to be treated.

30/04/20 – Thursday WFH Day 31/ Plague Day 43 Vet called this morning, Pennie isn't improving. At all. Decision is now between euthanasia or trying to continue treatment. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can handle this. It's too hard, too horrible. I just want her back. Money isn't an issue, money doesn't bring happiness. The birds make me happy. Taking their cover off in the morning and seeing their little faces makes me happy. Watching them play and eat and fly and sing makes me happy. They give me a sense of purpose and direction. Bertie isn't quite right. Still active and eating - but subdued, quiet. Sleeping more than usual. I know what this means, I just don't want to know it. Spoke to the vet again, Pennie's prognosis is severe. We're giving it one more night, if there's no improvement tomorrow, then the decision is basically made for us. Gods I hate this. As much as I objectively know that it's not my fault, that there's very little else I could do, it's impossible to put those thoughts away. Little signs - like how they would pant after flying, or sneeze a lot, or were always a bit small and light - I put down as them being stunted as chicks. Deep down, I know this was partially a cop-out - I didn't want to pull too hard at that thread in case it unravelled something monstrous. I was worried about the time it would take, the money it would cost, the hurt it would cause. That's equally monstrous, I think. I may not have killed them but I certainly didn't help. I cannot express my disgust at myself for every time I denied Pennie a fuss when she asked for one because I was busy, or in a bad mood. Of all of the time I flicked her away when she landed on me. All I want is to have her sat happily on my head, grooming my hair, or her feathers. Happy. I thought April had gone too smoothly. There's so such as a month that isn't an absolute motherfucker anymore.

01/05/20 – Friday WFH Day 32/ Plague Day 44 No improvement with Pennie. I agonised over it all night and, after talking to the vet, decided it was time to put her down. Had the chance to see her beforehand, H came with which I'm thankful for. Pennie was (ugh, was) such a beautiful bird. Seeing her so unwell was heartbreaking. Saying goodbye was even harder. Did I make the right decision? Should I have given it more time? These questions are pointless, there's no answers, just pain. But they won't go away, I know that. We have medicine for Bertie now who stills seems okay - bit subdued but that could well be because she's on her own now. Treatment starts this evening. The oh so faint silver lining with all of this misery is that Pennie going downhill when she did may well have saved Bertie's life. I can only hope. 2020 just never stops! Gave Bertie her first dose of medicine and she reacted to it badly, so it was another emergency visit to the vet. She's stable and comfortable thankfully. I think I would have just melted into the ground if I lost them both in one day. Provided she's strong enough tomorrow (which she should be) the vets will be able to conduct the x-ray and blood tests there and then so we won't have to bring her back again in a few weeks. I just want her home.

02/05/20 - Saturday Plague Day 45 Writing this after-the-fact (on Wednesday, May 6th), with everything that happened last week I fell off the proverbial ball with the old diary. However, figured a diary is a bit pointless if it doesn't record the actual days on which things happened, so adding a little bit in for each missed day. I don't fully remember what happened on Saturday, only that Bertie was still at the vets for the full day and I was sick with worry while periodically crying over Pennie. A very grim day in a very grim week. H and I spent the bulk of the day deep cleaning the living room after finding a mite on the windowsill while destroying the curtains that we're pretty sure killed one bird and made the other ill (strongly suspect that they ate small pieces of lead out of the weighted lining at the bottom of the curtain - I will never stop kicking myself for such idiocy). I definitely didn't bake a cake for the first time in XX number of weeks.

03/05/20 – Sunday Plague Day 46 It was a Sunday, so not likely to have ever been a busy day anyway. Highlight was getting Bertie back and fussing over her endlessly for the day. Anxiety over her being way was swiftly replaced with anxiety over her future health and potential recover. Altogether entirely exhausting.

04/05/20 – Monday WFH Day 33/ Plague Day 47 Busy old day in work as the UK film and TV industry ramp up recover efforts, with Richard right at the forefront of everything (meaning, by extension, I am too - hell of a place to be in). Had some assurance from Netflix that I'll be furloughed when I'm finished on Cursed this week which is an almighty relief - can't believe I'm coming to the end of that very very long long road!

05/05/20 – Tuesday WFH Day 34/ Plague Day 48 This was only yesterday but I'm struggling to remember anything of note - outside of observing that it was really rather busy outside when I went to the post office. It almost feels like the lockdown is over in all but name, every day more restaurants/ cafes etc. are reopening, and if the city feels like its open again then who's to criticise people who act as if it is? I can hear the drum beat of a second peak as it marches ever onwards... 

06/05/20 – Wednesday WFH Day 35/ Plague Day 49 A quiet one overall - highlight was listening to Starmer make a fool of Johnson during PMQs, blessed light relief in these trying times. Had my furlough confirmed today too which is a weight off my mind! Should be financially stable through to the end of June at the very least, after that buggery knows.

07/05/20 – Thursday WFH Day 36/ Plague Day 50 God damn apparently it's the 50th day of my personal lockdown - it has simultaneously felt like the shortest and longest thing to have ever occurred. Here's the next 50! Because, seriously, the amount of galumphing idiots who have all but completely abandoned the lockdown now is so high that a second peak is all but inevitable. Quite how it'll be reported to us is another matter however - this being the government, of course, that fudged 122,000 tests to pass an arbitrary deadline, bough 84 tonnes of defective PPE equipment from Turkey, and failed to report on any deaths outside of hospitals for over a month in order to keep our numbers down. The joys. In other news, the marketing campaign for Cursed kicked off today which was a pleasure to see - can already feel my distaste for the whole thing switching to a fond nostalgia... if the series received a half decent reaction I'm pretty sure I'll want to come back for S2.

08/05/20 – Friday WFH Day 37/ Plague Day 51 Victory in EUROPE day. The blinding irony over celebrating the defeat of a nationalist dictatorship right now is almost too much to bare. I wonder how many folk flying Union Jack bunting today have also waved Nazi flags on rallies over the last 3 years? Even if it's just one then it's too many. And it's definitely more than 1. Sort of had the day off... we were supposed to be working but there wasn't much to do, so it was more of "sack it off" kind of day. Made a Smash Bros. tournament to play with G instead, poor dude is still going through the ringer with his family.