Corona Diaries

Sophia

“Since starting these blog posts, it has helped me cope with the insanity of the lockdown, it is knackering,

and I really feel completely unsupported at the moment”.

Background Information

Female, aged 35-44, Teacher in Primary Education, England, White British, Married, Two children aged 9 and 5, speaks French and Polish.

May 2020 – First entry Friday 1st May

Day 40: New Month

Egyptian Mummification

The start of another month and the lockdown continues. There has been some good news, that we have

apparently reached the peak and that “bug” testing has been expanded, but I really don’t think we’ll see any

real changes for a least the next month.

I have been reading a lot about what they are planning to do with schools, and they are discussing opening

them in stages. It will probably start with the school leavers, so years 12/13 (16-18-year-olds) and year 6

(10-11 year olds who will be moving to secondary school in September). Maybe I’m just being a bit cynical,

but it just feels like the first load of changes will affect those groups that are perceived as stronger. As much

as society is starting to get itchy feet, the “bug” is still out there. I think the “bug" will be gradually introduced

to different social groupings, see what happens for a week or so, then the next load will be able to go back

to work or school etc. It would be a logical way of doing it, so that we don’t get another “bug” peak and so

that the NHS doesn’t get too overwhelmed with new cases. Obviously, the government can’t tell people that

they are basically guinea pigs, but that’s pretty much what will happen as the gradual changes occur.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. Society does need to get back on it’s feet, but I don’t think I’d risk either of

my kids during the first round of social easing. I think my daughter would probably be a bit more

trustworthy, in terms of washing her hands and keeping 2m apart, but my son is too young to follow such

difficult rules.

Anyway, with that in mind, I will have to keep up with the home schooling for now!

Today was a relatively nice day; we began with a bit of Maths - my daughter did decimals (yawn) and my

son did number bonds to 10, with 10 wooden blocks, which worked quite well. After a fruit break, we did a

bit of history - my daughter is doing about Ancient Egypt at the moment and today’s lesson was

a PowerPoint sent from her teacher all about mummification.

However, in my usual crazy style, I decided to make it a lot more physically interactive so that my son could

also participate. So, the poor Spock and Kirk toys (from a show called Star Trek) came out again; ready for

mummification this time! They were washed, had their brains pulled out with a pair of tweezers, had their

guts put into little pots, before being left in salt for a while (to dry out!). Whilst they were drying, we made

some sarcophagus boxes and stuck pictures of hieroglyphs all over them, to decorate them.

Once we had finished, Spock and Kirk got some mini amulets put around their necks, before a little make-

up was applied to their faces. Then, the kids wrapped the figures up in some brown packaging paper

(meant to represent the linen!) and placed them inside their respective sarcophagus boxes.

All-in-all it was a surprisingly successful lesson and both kids seemed to enjoy it. It’s a shame lessons like

that take so much preparation because they are brilliant for getting my son to engage with any schoolwork.

Sadly though, I can’t do things like that all the time because it does take quite a while to sort out all the little

bits that go into it. I was a bit stressed from doing it with just 2 kids, I can’t imagine how difficult it would be

to do with a class of 30 kids!

The afternoon began with a bit of cake making, before my husband took the kids out for a nice walk along

the canal whilst I had a well-deserved break! I feel very lucky that he has managed to get two days a week

at home - and he is trying to make sure he can help me for a while in the afternoons that he is at home. I

have definitely needed that bit of extra help because I was getting so overwhelmed by it all. Unfortunately, it

does mean he has to leave early in the mornings (and come home later) on the days he is in work, those

two days at home have really helped me this week and I’m starting to feel a bit more human again. I really

hope his new timetable continues during the lockdown because it will significantly help our home life.

Gardening

Saturday 2nd May 2020 Day 41: Family time

Today was a little overcast, but dry: so perfect weather for gardening!

The kids were sent a parcel from my husband’s grandmother today and she had included some lovely new

gardening equipment for them, so they were digging away for quite a while. Whilst they moved soil around,

I set about cutting down all of the stinging nettles without getting hurt! Not an easy feat, but I had my trusty

strimmer in hand, so managed to get rid of most of them!

My husband had a play with his mini-allotment. It looks like the potatoes have finally started sprouting, so

he just did a bit of weeding to make sure they had enough space. Unfortunately the area he has chosen is

a bit of a slug and snail holiday resort, so I’m not sure how well the potatoes will grow - I guess we’ll just

have to wait and see!

In addition to the lovely gardening equipment the kids received, their great grandma sent them some cuddly

dog toys. They were quite cute, until my daughter figured out that you can press a button on the paw, which

caused her dog to yap and swing it’s head around like a maniac! My son’s dog fortunately didn’t have the

same annoying habit, but that didn’t stop him from creating his own mischief with his toy - which basically

involved him pushing the dog into my face and pretending that it was licking me!

Another “sigh” mummy moment!

I dread to think where my husband’s grandma went to find those toys. Apparently, she isn’t really adhering

to current rules about staying indoors - says she’s too old for all that nonsense - so still goes shopping and

out for walks. Luckily she isn’t on her own because my husband’s uncle moved in with her when the

lockdown was announced … but apparently she is a feisty old Welsh lady who won’t be bossed around by

anyone! If she wants to go out, she will go out!

Gotta love her - hope I’m still that fiery if I get to that age!

By comparison, my husband’s parents have been in self-isolation for a long time now and are actually

adhering to the rules, without us having to try and curtail their activities! They do live in the middle of

nowhere in the hilly North, so it is very difficult for them to get out anyway! Luckily, my father-in-law has

managed to pre-order food from a large supermarket chain in a nearby town, and they receive deliveries at

least once a week. That food, plus the insane amount they’ve stored in their garage and deep freezer,

could keep them going for about a year I think … so I’m not too worried about them starving! What does

worry me is if one of them gets ill because it is highly unlikely that we would be able to go up and help

them.

In that respect, I do feel very grateful that we live so close to my parents. They are about 15 minutes

drive from our house and are being reasonably sensible during the lockdown. My mum still goes out

shopping (in a mask and gloves) because she wants to help us out - she brings us bags of shopping twice

a week. When she visits, the kids sit on top of the climbing frame and wave at her as she leaves. Although

it is painful for them not to have their weekly activities with her, at least they can still say hi (from a

distance!). My dad was a bit ill at the start of the lockdown, but he has been getting out a bit more and is

keeping himself busy in the garden. He treated himself to a sit-on lawn-mower a while ago and I think he’s

been spending a lot of time on that! My daughter really wants to have a go, but he won’t let her - he won’t

even let me have a go!! It is his toy! He even built the large machine it’s own “house” (aka large shed) in the

garden, complete with windows and a sliding front door. My mum told me that he’s started putting a blanket

over it at nighttime, so she is a little worried that the lockdown may be starting to get to him a bit!

So today has been a family-focussed day. Lots of cuddles with the kids and lots of playing outdoors. I do

love it when the weather is like this, it makes the days much more enjoyable.

Sunday 3rd May 2020 Day 42: Expressions of sorrow

Poem

Scars of Today

The scars of sorrow

Still itch and bleed.

Let’s dream of brightness tomorrow

And the life it will bring.

The rain beats down in my heart

The pain weighs heavy on my breast.

But tomorrow is another day

And time will guide the pain to rest.

Rainbows on clouds

And wings to fly

Dreams of a different life

That will ne’er be mine.

Future tales and future woes

Will hold those memories

Of times unknown

And dreams untold …

Time will pass.

This time will end.

Leaving just the scars of sorrow

In the wake of every new day.

Leave behind dreams of the ’morrow

For the life that will never see that today.

New Week

Monday 4th May 2020 Day 43: May the Fourth be with you!

Back to Magic School today!

Glad to be keeping busy, but I probably overdid it with the volume of work I did in preparation: we only used

a fraction of what I had sorted out for the kids!

We started with the usual bell ring and short 10minutes of morning work, before moving onto Maths, with

decimals for my daughter and doubling-up for my son. I did rely quite heavily on my heart-shaped reward

chart today; but it seemed to work! For every “good choice” the kids made, they could earn a heart for their

chart. If they fill the chart by the end of the day, they get a prize. I find that positive rewards alone, without

any threat of rewards being deducted for bad behavior, seems to work best with my kids.

After fruit break, we did a bit of English, which involved writing a diary for my daughter and trying to match

words for my son. They both sat very calmly and paid attention. Not normal behavior, but at least it was a

relatively chilled morning!

Around that, we had another break, followed by a short lesson on the water cycle. My daughter has been

doing a bit on the River Nile for her history topic focus - the Ancient Egyptians - and she asked why

the River went “the wrong way”. She thought that it would go from the ocean into the land, rather than the

other way around. So, I got the sand table out, a bucket of water, and some cut up sponges. I moved all the

sand to one side of the sand table out, so that it looked like a mountain on one side, and the plastic base

was showing on the other. Water into the base bit, sponges at the ready and … squeeze! The

water “evaporated” into the sponge, was blown to the mountain, “precipitation” happened with a second

squeeze on the sponge! The water seeped a bit into the sand, but some of it travelled down the mountain,

back into the ocean … then repeat!!

My son absolutely loved it! I’m not sure he completely understood what we were doing, but sand and water

are some of his favorite play activities.

As lunch time drew nearer, we heard a lot of commotion from next door, so my daughter bounced on the

trampoline to ask what was going on. Our neighbours had invited some of their friends over, with their kids,

for a bit of a playdate.

I don’t know why they decided to break lockdown, but it did upset my kids because they wanted to go over

and play too! I refused because I don’t want to risk anyone potentially catching anything from us (or vice

versa). I felt bad not letting my kids go over because they love playing with the neighbour’s kids, but I just

want everyone to be safe. I explained the situation to my kids by telling them that maybe

the neighbours are a bit bored (neither parents are in work at the moment) and maybe their friends aren’t

working either, so it is a different living situation to ours, because my husband is at work.

My kids did understand, but still felt sad that they weren’t allowed to play with their friends.

We stayed inside over lunch so that my kids didn’t feel like they were missing out on too much fun next

door. Annoyingly, we’ve run out of vegetables and I can’t go to the shops until my husband gets home. Now

he’s back, I’m in no mood to go out anyway, so we’ll be out of vegetables until his day at home! So the kids

had fish and chips, with a over-abundance of frozen peas to make up for the lack of vegetables!

Needless to say, they weren’t too impressed with the volume of peas I gave them!!!

After lunch, I took them for a walk / bike ride down the canal and my son collected lots of special stones

along the way. He likes painting stones and I spray them with a waterproof spray so that they can go

outside, which he loves.

The afternoon was mainly spent playing and painting outside. I did spend about 20 minutes with my

daughter just going through the water cycle again and showing her how it translates to the River Nile. I

think she now understands that the water doesn’t go “the wrong way” but rather that water travels downhill

rather than up from the ocean, so at least I taught her something today!

Our painting project was a massive rainbow on a pallet. My husband managed to bring home a few broken

pallets from work, so we have at least managed to find a use for one of them!! He had been thinking about

building a mini house for the kids, but he’s working so hard at the moment, he really doesn’t have the time

(or energy) for a project like that.

Neither of us really have the time or energy for our own projects at the moment!! I do have a few friends

(some with kids) who seem to be able to learn something new or continue with massive projects, which is

lovely to see. However, I think it is just because neither partner is working. Those friends (with kids) who

have at least one partner still working are struggling to keep everything going and, like me, just feel wiped

out in the evenings!

I did read today that they are thinking about re-opening schools by 1st June, just for the older year groups

in primary school. I’m not sure what they’re going to do about large secondary schools - will have to read

up on that later - but I would suspect they might let some of the older kids return to secondary schools soon

too.

To be honest, I don’t know how I feel about that. I think it is important for some kids to go back, particularly

those that are going to be transitioning to another stage of life - either moving to secondary in September,

or leaving school completely - but I don’t know about the other kids. I also don’t have a clue how they are

going to keep social distancing rules in place in schools. No matter what their age, kids will seriously

struggle to keep 2m away from each other! Plus, even if the kids themselves are relatively safe from

catching the “bug”, it is the teachers who will be in danger if schools go back too early.

I also can’t imagine many kids wanting to wear facemasks or plastic gloves. Neither can I imagine them

feeling particularly comfortable with their teachers wearing facemasks, because it is so different to their

normal classroom expectations. Some kids would probably get quite anxious about it, maybe scared.

Others might just not take it seriously and do silly things that break current regulations - not because they’re

naughty or malicious, but simply because they are children and they like testing boundaries.

Anyway, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. These are very odd times.

Packages and Delivery

Tuesday 5th May 2020 Day 44: Woods and painting

After a bad night’s sleep, filled with nightmares and the associated sweating, I was shaken awake very

early by my husband. He gets up around dawn so he can have breakfast before he goes into work, but

today he didn’t even have time for breakfast because there had been a massive influx of orders over night.

Almost double the previous few days and he had to go in very early to make a start.

He is a director at the packaging company he works at, and is understandably very busy. Plus they

currently have an all-hands-on-deck policy. So he’s been working in the warehouse, manning phones,

sticking packaging labels on things … and still doing all the bits for his job. Apparently supplies from China

have been a bit lapse due to the “bug”, so a lot of their competitors are unable to fulfil orders. The result:

my husband’s company is acquiring a lot of business because they use manufacturers based in the UK.

They have a massive supply of boxes that they sell to all sorts of different UK businesses - apparently one

of the best sellers is boxes to deliver old-style records, which they have been a bit surprised about. They’re

not sure if they are used for actual records or for something else or if it just a weird blip: most of the

packaging is for companies that deliver essential goods.

I am really proud of what he is doing at the moment. In my mind, he is one of the unsung key workers. He

might not be directly helping sick people, but he is helping to keep the economy going by making sure

people can send packages. I call it “background work”: something that goes under the radar because it

doesn’t seem like much, when it actuality it is an essential service that makes sure everything else can

function.

Anyway, after his extremely early start, my day on my own with the kids began a bit earlier than normal!

After three cups of Earl Grey tea, followed by scrambled eggs and mushrooms on toast, I finally felt awake

enough to do something with the kids! However, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to attempt teaching. I

just couldn’t motivate myself. Instead, I wrapped up my friend’s birthday presents, put them in a box, and

decided that we would deliver them directly to her. She lives locally: a bit too far to walk, but close enough

to drive. She is also quite close to a woods that we haven’t been to for a long time - one that is filled with

very old trees and bluebells - and I thought that would be a nice walk for the kids.

I haven’t been in the car with the kids for a while though and I forgot how distracting they are when I’m

driving! But we got to my friend’s house in one piece, thank goodness!

My daughter very sweetly wanted to be the delivery lady. With the box under one arm, she ran to the front

door and rang the bell. She left the presents on the doorstep and ran quickly back to the car because she’s

very conscious about the 2m social distancing rule. Once my daughter got into the car, my friend and her

three boys came out to shout hello (from a distance) and waved! It was really lovely to see them, even

though it was only a fleeting visit from afar!

It feels like it’s been ages since I last saw them, but in reality it hasn’t been that long. A few years back, we

spent over six months not seeing each other, but I never felt like this. I don’t know how to explain it: it was

just different. Like a weird moment in a dream where you see familiar faces somewhere in the distance,

But can’t quite interact with them or get close - you just know they are there.

I didn’t stay too long because I felt a bit upset. I thought seeing her would cheer me up, but it actually

made me realise how much I miss meeting up with friends for a natter and a cuppa. I had to blink away the

tears as we drove round the corner - I didn’t want the kids to see me cry. Perhaps I should have cried so

that they knew it was okay to feel sad, but I just didn’t want to. I think I needed to feel strong in myself

without having to explain how I was feeling.

Luckily, the woods were only around the corner, so I drove there and took the kids out for a short walk. It

was a beautiful location, but surprisingly busy. We crossed paths with at least 10 dog walkers, a couple of

joggers and a few cyclists. My friend does live in a slightly more densely populated area than we do, but I

was still surprised to see so many people.

Maybe this talk of easing lockdown has already made more people feel that it is safe to go outside? I think

that is what worries me about all of this. I am probably a bit pessimistic, but I think we’ve only come out of

the first peak of the “bug” - I am sure there will be another peak as soon as more places open up.

Today I read about a make-shift hospital called Nightingale Hospital down in London and how some people

are angry that they built it and it hasn’t been used. My gut is telling me that it hasn’t been used yet. In my

mind, it is better to have the facilities and not need them, rather than not have them and need them.

However, as much as I hope that we won’t need it, I fear that it will be used at some point over the next

year.

I think my negativity has been influenced by the government’s draft exit plan, which is about as good as

their attempts to come up with a quick and viable solution to exiting the EU. Basically, it is not worth the

paper it is written on, but would make a good substitute should we run out toilet paper again! This is the

problem with just having good orators and paid-for-politicians in positions of power rather than people

who actually have some knowledge or some vague idea about what they’re doing: this lot really have no

clue what to do in an actual crisis.

Anyway, after the woody walk, we drove back home and did a little bit of work in Magic School. My

daughter felt like writing her own thing, so I just gave her some paper and left her to it! She picked a

newspaper to cut up and made a fantastic leaflet about different things that are going on around the UK at

the moment. She picked one story about police officers riding horses on the beaches in Portabello and

another story about a bear in a zoo … I think I might get her to do that activity again, it was really

interesting to see what she picked!

My son was initially reluctant to do anything, so I showed him a video of someone singing about number

bonds to 10 (I have no idea how they managed to make a song up about that!). He enjoyed that and

practiced his number bonds for quite a while! We initially wrote it down, before he got a toy truck and 10

blocks out to show me how the number bonds worked. It was really nice to watch him get so engaged with

his learning, particularly since he had been so reluctant at the start.

Once we’d eaten lunch, the kids decided to race each other around the garden for a bit. I was struggling to

concentrate on anything too educational, so after they’d worn themselves out, we did a bit of painting in the

garden.

It wasn’t a particularly active afternoon, but it was nice and chilled, which I think we all needed.

Consequences

Wednesday 6th May 2020 Day 45: Thinking outloud

I’ve been feeling a bit odd today. Almost like all of this is now “normal”, but not normal; real yet unreal. I

know that our current situation is the truth, but it just feels very strange.

I suppose it is strange. We’re not allowed to go out and meet friends, the kids aren’t in school, people aren’t

going to work and things just feel a bit “off”. Out of place, out of sync. Even during the war, we could meet

up with people and still go to lessons. Granted, the threat of bombs did make learning quite challenging, but

having that routine did give some sense of “normality”.

But this … this is just really strange. It is not quite as intense as war - I’m not clinging onto every word

newsreaders pump out - but it is just as challenging, albeit in a different way. There are no random loud

bangs or screams, no sulphuric smell lingering in the air or excessive dust clouds covering the sun.

However, there is also no dream of escape or desire to go “back home”; I am home this time.

I don’t feel as anxious as I did the first few weeks of this lockdown, and I certainly don’t have the same level

of anxiety I had in Lebanon. I think the lack of fighter jets and bombs makes this a bit more manageable!

However, there are strains and stresses, particularly with respect to the kids, that I have not experienced

before.

I worry about how the kids are coping with all this; how their education will be affected; what their lives will

be like when they eventually go back to school. Today, we did the usual - bit of English, bit of Maths, a

canal walk … nothing too strenuous, but not particularly educational.

I don’t feel as worried about them catching the “bug” anymore. Although perhaps I should be; it is worse

than a wartime foe. At least with a fighter jet, you knew that something was coming and you could find

some places to hide. Even if it was just under the covers. This time, there is nowhere to hide or really much

point trying to hide: the “bug” is silent. You can’t see it or hear it. You don’t even know you have it until it

rears its ugly head in the form of a cough.

Perhaps that it is why it is so difficult for people (including myself) to really understand the true dangers of

this “bug”.

But then, I sometimes wonder if it truly is as dangerous as has been portrayed. A lot of powerful people,

including the Scottish chief medical officer and Neil Ferguson, the UK’s government coronavirus advisor,

have been flouting the rules, so what are the general public meant to think? If those medical experts think it

is safe enough to just do what the hell they like, why shouldn’t everyone else?

Perhaps I’m just getting cynical in my old age, but I’ve encountered this obnoxious attitude before. Too

often powerful people just do what the hell they like, treat others however they want and get away with it -

whilst ordinary people, who just break one rule, have to face serious consequences. If the person with

money or contacts breaks the same rule, they won’t see jail - they may get a slap on the wrist, but their

position allows them to essentially get away with it because their arrest could affect the reputation of

others.

The story about Neil Ferguson really annoyed me today though. Seriously, why should we bother trying to

be “good” citizens if he’s just doing what the hell he likes? Why should I bother following the social

distancing rules, put myself through avoiding friends and family, when the very individual who

recommended the lockdown in the first place just decides that he doesn’t have to follow the same

rules?! Apparently he wasn’t even breaking isolation for any “good” reason - he was having an affair or

something. Considering the volume of vetting that man would have been through to get into that position,

you would have thought someone would have figured out he was having an affair! It’s just ludicrous.

Anyway, I think I will have to avoid the news again for a few days because it just makes me cross.

I will continue to try and follow the social distancing rules because it is the right thing to do and I want to set

a good example for my kids. I want them to grow into law-abiding citizens who respect others. I want them

to actually care about other people and to not act in a way that is completely selfish. I’m not perfect by any

stretch of the imagination, I’ve broken many rules in my time (like we all do) but I feel that I need to be a

good role model for my kids at the moment.

Perhaps Ferguson should have thought about his position as a role model too. His serious lack of

judgement and selfish behaviour could genuinely affect how the general public behave during this time of

crisis.

Arty Day

Thursday 7th May 2020 Day 46: and water play!

The kids were in no mood for doing any school work today. My son was in a huff and my daughter crippled

herself into a ball on the couch.

So I had to think on my feet and change the entire plan for the day. Well, to be fair, I just threw the plans

out the window and just decided to do completely different activities!

Luckily, my daughter’s current history topic is on the Ancient Egyptians, which lends itself to a nice array of

activities. Today I had planned to do a lot of work on the gods and goddess - which is an amazing topic -

but I scrapped 90% of it. Instead, I got two massive pieces of white card, drew pictures of Ra and Anubis,

and put them outside on the grass. Then, armed with all the paints and paintbrushes I could find, I set

about encouraging the kids to at least do something!

Despite their earlier protestations, they actually got involved! It took quite a while to do, but it seemed to

relax their minds. The finished products were quite impressive - but they are now sitting in our hallway

because I have nowhere else to put them!

I think the house will be absolutely covered with random pieces of the kid’s art work by the end of this

lockdown! After art, the kids “accidently” switched on the water sprinkler. I’m not entirely sure how they did

it, because I could have sworn I took the hose out of the garden tap … and I was pretty sure I had switched

off the tap … Yeah, I’m not sure about their “accident” claim, but I didn’t see any harm in them having a bit

of fun! They love water play and it was a really hot day, so I left them to it! They got absolutely drenched!

But they loved every minute of it, so it was definitely worth it.

After a good drying off, I opened a strange parcel that arrived in the post. To my surprise, it was a gift from

a friend, in the form of a vegan chocolate cake in a bottle! All we had to add was a bit of oil and water, then

cook it for 20 mins and voila! A cake! The kids really enjoyed making it - but I think they enjoyed eating it

more than making it!

By the afternoon, we were all a bit sunburnt and tired, so stayed inside. My sister-in-law rang and had

a really long chat with my daughter - apparently they went on a virtual tour of the British Museum over

Skype! Whilst they were chatting, my son and I did some Maths and watched a bit of TV. One of

his favourite shows at the moment is Numberblocks, which is basically what it says on the tin - about

numbers in the shape of blocks. He can watch and rewatch episodes of it over and over again; which is

probably why he is quite good at Maths now!

Anyway, overall, it was an okay day. It didn’t go according to plan and I had to be responsive to the way

that the kids were feeling, but I think overall it worked out in the end.

VE Day

Friday 8th May 2020 Day 47: Celebrations

All round the UK, people went out to the streets to celebrate the 75th anniversary of VE Day. The day that

commemorates the unconditional surrender of Nazi Germany, which brought the war in Europe to an end.

There were some beautiful photos from around the country, from the Red Arrow (specialist RAF

squad) flypast over London, to a piper playing near a war memorial near Balmoral. It was a day of relief

from the heartache of the past few weeks; a day when the country could be distracted and actually

conduct some form of social interaction.

In our small, rural village in the center of the UK, we didn’t follow the government’s recommended list

of organised activities. In fact, members of the community had planned the day’s celebrations long before

the government made any announcements about their prescribed list of VE Day events, so we had a few

random additions to the norm! The VE Day scarecrows were particularly unusual - they were quite well

made, but definitely one of the more unique items in our area!!

Here, our celebrations began at 3pm with the church bells ringing out across the village. A local

Shakespearian heritage site played their bells at the same time, which was a really lovely touch. That was

followed by clips from Churchill’s VE Day speech over a few loud speakers across the village and then war

time music.

Since we have young kids, we didn’t venture too far from the house because I was worried that they

wouldn’t maintain the social distancing. However, our next door neighbours kindly invited us into their field

so that we could see some of the village activities from a distance, and still have some social interactions.

Sitting on our respective family picnic blankets 2m apart, we decided to have a barbecue in the middle of a

field filled with buttercups. Our neighbours cooked the food, but instead of dishing it out like you would

normally, we all had to collect it at specific intervals. It was a bit of a surreal experience to say the least! We

all had to make sure that we kept our own plates and cups, we couldn’t do the usual social food interactions

of sharing dips or crisps etc.

However, it was absolutely lovely to have human company beyond just my immediate family. To talk about

things face-to-face, in the middle of a beautiful field, with all war songs playing in the background, drinking

cider … it was like having our own mini-festival.

One of the houses nearby was playing old war songs very loudly, so we didn’t need our own speaker

system! I must have heard Vera Lynn’s “We’ll Meet Again” at least 10 times today - but we could often hear

people joining in the sing-a-long somewhere down the main road. Everyone sounded like they were having

a really nice time - I’ve not heard that much chatter and merriment in a long while.

At about 4pm, the speaker system nearby was switched off because a bagpiper was playing next to the

church, to mark a moment of respect for all the heroes of yesterday (in WWII) and the heroes of today (the

NHS). When he finished, there was cheering and the chatter commenced again.

Some locals had built a musical float, decorated it in red, white and blue, with lots of British flags scattered

all over for good measure! They had built the float so that they could reach members of the community who

were isolating (or too high risk) and couldn’t sit along the main street. The thinking was that even if people

can’t interact with others, they could still feel part of the community when they heard the music from the

float. It was a really thoughtful thing to do!

Following the float, someone walked down the street with a few horses dressed as a unicorns. To be

honest, I’m not entirely sure how VE Day is linked to unicorns, but it didn’t really matter! After all, what is life

without a little whimsy?!

A few households had also put tables outside, mostly at busy spots along the street, with donation boxes

for their handmade goods. The items were generally made by children and seemed to mostly include

bracelets or homemade cookies! All the money raised was for various charities, including the NHS and

smaller local groups, such as the food bank and the community support helpline.

The village celebrations “officially” ended at 5pm, with the ringing of the bells and the bagpiper walking

through the village to play one last time for everyone. However, the chatter continued long after the bells

had finished.

We stayed for a while with the neighbours: although we had to keep our distance, it was just nice to have a

bit of human interaction and to pretend that the lockdown wasn’t happening anymore.

It felt like a bit of psychological relief - definitely what the doctor ordered! It was a needed break

from reality and I am so glad that we go the opportunity to celebrate, albeit from a distance.

It was a very memorable VE Day.

Lazy Saturday

Saturday 9th May 2020 Day 48: Warm weather continues!

It has been another glorious day - and on a bank holiday! The world is definitely topsy-turvy at the moment,

but I’m not going to complain about the weather - it is just wonderful!

Today has been a very chilled day; we have been reading and playing in the garden a lot. My kids

managed to make the hosepipe reach their slide, so they created their own water park - complete with

splash puddle (aka paddling pool) at the bottom of the slide!

We all caught the sun a bit today though; keep forgetting to reapply the suntan lotion!

Before lunch, my daughter had a Zoom birthday party with some friends from school. It was lovely to see all

the kids on the computer screen - but they were all so over-excited, they were all talking at the same time!

It was complete chaos!! Yesterday, the mum had dropped off party bags to the kid’s houses, which

included some activities for the kids, but I don’t think they quite got what to do with it all! They were good at

eating the cakes (they certainly went quickly!) but she had also included some fake glasses and other

things, which they seemed to ignore or stick in random places on the screens …

During the “party” the other mums were texting, laughing about something a kid did or holding a glass of gin

as a way of getting through the chaos! It was hilarious - I haven’t laughed that much in a long time!

Afterwards, we had a family lunch together, which consisted of a picnic in the garden and a cider for me

and the husband. We didn’t feel the need to leave the confines of our house or garden today: it was just

nice to have some proper family time.

I have to say, throughout all the ups and downs, we have definitely got closer as a family. The kids don’t

really argue that much - they actually play with each other quite nicely at the moment! In some ways, I’m

not looking forward to them going back to school - I’ve got used to having them around! But that will

probably change on Monday when we have to start home schooling again …

Sailing

Sunday 10th May 2020 Day 49: Preparation day

“We are all in the same storm, but riding different boats. A lucky few are on cruise liners, but most of us are

on wooden rafts, clinging on for dear life, waiting for the storm to blow over.” - unknown.

Today I had a lovely conversation with an old friend, where we shared stories on the phone at the same

time as drinking a cup of Earl Grey tea in our respective homes.

We used to meet up at least once a week, but the lockdown has meant that we have not been able to have

our usual girlie natters. Although we have been trying to talk over the phone at least once a week (usually

on speaker phone as my friend drives home from work), but it is not the same. So today, we decided to

make a special effort and have a natter with a cuppa.

It was really lovely to make it a bit special: I’m not sure why we hadn’t done it before!

She works in a care home 2 days a week, which she told me is quite stressful because many of the

patients do not really understand social distancing. So she is understandably very cautious about meeting

up with anyone outside her immediate household because she doesn’t want to risk catching the “bug” and

passing anything onto the patients. She said that they were very late receiving PPE in her workplace, but

one of the biggest difficulties has been wearing face masks because some of the patients are finding it

quite distressing not being able to see someone’s face properly.

It sounds quite a stressful situation, but, all things considered, she seems to be handling it well. As I

listened to her, I did feel quite protected from the true difficulties NHS workers are facing at the moment. I

wonder how much truth we are receiving from the news?

One thing that has really puzzled me is the amount of people who have been ill or died. The published

numbers seem quite low considering the extreme measures that have been implemented around the world.

Perhaps they are low because of the measures that have been used? Or they are low because some

countries have not been able to (or willing to) monitor the true extent of those infected by the “bug”? I read

one news report that stated 1/4 million people have died, but another had a much higher figure … it all just

seems a bit like guesswork. I don’t know how these figures can be accurate. For example, in the UK, the

parameters for recorded deaths changed from just hospital deaths to include deaths in hospitals and care

homes, so the numbers changed quite dramatically. I’m sure if deaths in households and other locations

were also included, the numbers would increase again - but maybe the true extent of this “bug” will only be

known long after the event.

Today was also home schooling planning day: so I spent a good few hours planning, printing and

generally dong all my teacher chores, just to make sure I have stuff to do with the kids next week.

I am struggling to motivate them at the moment; they don’t really seem to think there is much point to doing

the work because they’re not in school, and it’s doubtful that they will be going back to school any time

soon. Apparently the PM, Boris Johnson, is giving a speech this evening with more details about what the

government plans are, but I think they are going to err on the side of caution. I honestly don’t see the kids

going back before the start of the new school year in September. Plus, the government are unlikely to

think “outside the box” and actually use some of the 6 week summer holidays to help acclimatise the kids

back to school and the new classroom rules - that would be too sensible.

And whilst al this is going on, the teachers are left in a state of limbo. At my kids school, they don’t seem

quite as shocked by the lockdown anymore, but they are still struggling to interact with the kids. At least

they are now sending through useful tasks, but they’re not marking anything. I have been sending them

photos of the work that my kids have been doing, which the teachers do send nice replies to, but it all feels

very distant. Some of my friends are having to send in work, to have it marked, others have had one-to-one

zoom chats with their teachers, whilst others have even had group class sessions with the teacher! We’ve

had nothing like that!

I am feeling a bit like I’ve been left to my own devices, but maybe my expectations are too high. Some of

the mums at my kid’s school are not too concerned about the schoolwork, with a few not bothering with any

of it because they haven’t got the time to do it with them (they work). Apparently a few kids, whose parents

are key workers (social workers, police and NHS workers), are still going into school - but they aren’t

receiving any formal education at all. The school has decided not to give them “special” treatment because

they are in school, so are acting like a day care centre instead. That did surprise me - I thought they would

do some work with the kids going into school, even if it was just the worksheets they send home, so that

they have some similar experiences to those staying at home.

Maybe it is just because this situation is so outside the “norm” that it is difficult to know how to deal with it. I

guess in some ways, I am in a privileged position because I don’t (well, can’t) go into work; granted this has

made our income situation a little dire (due to my contract-type, can’t receive furlough money or any other

benefits), but at least I can give the kids the attention they need at the moment.

Oh well, I just have to hope the week goes okay and that I can get something done with the kids. Perhaps I

should stop stressing so much about how little we are doing: everyone is in the same storm. Everyone has

their own struggle, their own battles and their own ways of dealing with it. But we will all come out the other

end with our own survival stories about how we made this long and lonely journey to freedom.

Huh?

Monday 11th May 2020 Day 50: Confusion

Last night the British public were sitting on the edge of their seats, awaiting the planned exit strategy from

this lockdown, by none other than our illustrious Prime Minister, Mr. Boris Johnson. As the clock struck

7pm, TVs around the country were switched on and people listened intently to the words of our glorious

and inspiring leader.

As I am writing this, I fear that my sarcasm is perhaps a bit understated. Let me start again.

I don’t typically watch “bug” updates because most of them are just repetitive dribble that spout from the

mouthpieces of government. These spectacular displays of crackpot oratory has ranged from an inability to

conduct basic Maths (in the form of Home Secretary, Priti Patel), to just complete incomprehensible

confusing nonsense (as we saw last night with PM Boris Johnson).

Last night, the basic message of “stay home, protect the NHS, save lives” was altered to “stay alert, control

the virus, save lives”. It’s not quite as catchy, or as meaningful or … well, anything really. Its just a group of

words that look like they were picked out of a hat and arranged into nonsensical sentiments. I mean, how

can you stay alert to an invisible virus? Let alone actively control something that is, by its very nature,

uncontrollable? And surely we all want to save lives?!

Then there were the section about schooling, working, exercising that were self-contradictory

statements … it was basically a mess. There is no other way to describe it: it was just a complete and utter

mess.

To summerise, I have reproduced one of the messages that has been doing the rounds amongst my

friendship groups. This pretty much explains it perfectly:

I think I’ve worked it out...

* 4 year olds can go to school but university students who have paid for their tuition and the

accommodation that they aren’t living in, can’t go back to university.

* I can go to school with many 4 year olds that I’m not related to but can’t see one 4 year old that I am

related to.

* I can sit in a park, but not tomorrow or Tuesday but by Wednesday that’ll be fine.

* I can meet one person from another household for a chat or to sunbathe but not two people so if I know

two people  from another household I have to pick my favourite. Hopefully, I’m also their favourite person

from my household or this could be awkward. But possibly I’m not. In fact, thinking about it, I definitely

wouldn’t be. But as I can’t go closer than 2m to the one I choose anyway so you wouldn’t think having the

other one sat next to them would matter - unless two people would restrict my eyeline too much and

prevent me from being alert.

* I can work all day with my colleagues but I can’t sit in their garden for a chat after work.

* I can now do unlimited exercise when quite frankly just doing an hour a day felt like I was some kind of

fitness guru. I can think of lots of things that I would like to be unlimited but exercise definitely isn’t one of

them.

* I can drive to other destinations although which destinations is unclear. I was supposed to be in Brighton

this weekend. Can I drive there? It’s hundreds of miles away but no one has said that’s wrong.

* The buses are still running past my house but I shouldn’t get on one. We should just let empty buses drive

around so bus drivers aren’t doing nothing.

* It will soon be time to quarantine people coming into the country by air... but not yet. It’s too soon. And not

ever if you’re coming from France because... well, I don’t do know why, actually. Because the French

version of coronavirus wouldn’t come to the UK maybe.

* Our youngest children go back to school first because... they are notoriously good at not touching things

they shouldn’t, maintain personal space at all times and never randomly lick you.

* We are somewhere in between 3.5 and 4.5 on a five point scale where 5 is all of the virus and 1 is none of

the virus but 2,3 and 4 can be anything you’d like it to be really. Some of the virus? A bit of the virus? Just

enough virus to see off those over 70s who were told to self isolate but now we’ve realised that they’ve

done that a bit too well  despite us offloading coronavirus patients into care homes and now we are claiming

that was never said in the first place, even though it’s in writing in the stay at home guidance.

* The slogan isn’t stay at home any more.So we don’t have to say at home. Except we do. Unless we can’t.

In which case we should go out. But there will be fines if we break the rules. So don’t do that.

Don’t forget...

Stay alert... which Robert Jenrick has explained actually means Stay home as much as possible.

Obviously.

Control the virus. Well, I can’t even control my dogs and I can actually see them. Plus I know a bit about

dogs and very little about controlling viruses.

Save lives. Always preferable to not saving lives, I’d say, so I’ll try my best with that

one, although hopefully I don’t need telling to do that. I know I’m bragging now but not NOT saving lives is

something I do every day.

So there you are.  If you’re the weirdo wanting unlimited exercise then enjoy. But not until Wednesday.

Obviously.

*****

I’m not sure if the speech was a deliberate ploy to cause confusion or not. The British public need to go

back to work, but Whitehall cannot explicitly tell them to do so. The problem is that it still isn’t technically

safe enough to socialise because the virus rate could rapidly increase. However, the economic damage to

the UK resulting from the lockdown, plus the continuation of government payouts to furloughed workers in

private businesses, means that things have to change - even if it is not completely safe to do so. In a way,

confusing the British public could actually be the best approach to changing the current situation because it

will force people to make their own decisions about what they want to do.

If they choose to go back to work, then that is their choice, and the government can’t be blamed for the

fallout that will inevitably happen.

On the other hand, it could have just been a simple case of “we don’t know what to do” so Boris just waffled

at the camera in the hope that something logical emanated from his mouth.

The main difficulty with trying to end lockdown is what to do with government-run facilities, in particular

schools. It has been rumoured that year 6 (10-11 year olds), as well as year 1 (5-6 year olds) and reception

(4-5 year olds) will be going back to school first. This is illogical in terms of health and safety, particularly for

the very little ones, because the vast majority will have no concept of social distancing. However, if you look

at it in practical terms, year 6 and year 1 have exams called SATS, and reception children need

to “trained” to pass these exams, ready for year 1. So, it does make sense that those year groups go back

first, particularly since this government is so obsessed with using exams to force a hierarchical society that

suits their private-school children, at the expense of all other kids.

In my opinion, this just exemplifies the entire problem with the current education system. It is

too dependent on meaningless examinations, that only serve to demonstrate how good a teacher is at

training kids to sit exams rather than ensuring that the kids have any actual useful knowledge or skills.

But I digress.

*****

In news closer to home, I have tried not to get too angry about the mixed messages from the government

and focused on the kid’s education today.

We began the day with our usual bell ring and morning work. My daughter began with long multiplication,

whilst my son did some basic sums on the white board. After break, we did a bit of English. My daughter

read a newspaper and cut out some words that she liked, which she then put into her scrapbook, with

explanatory paragraphs next to each word. My son is still refusing to write, so he played with his magnetic

letters. I tried to encourage him to make some basic words with them, but he wasn’t really in the mood.

In the afternoon, we focused on science: solids, liquids and gases. The topic was meant to just be for my

daughter, but I have been finding it difficult to teach the kids two different curriculums, so I decided to just

do the same topic - supported by differentiated activity sheets. So my daughter’s work contained more

details about how the particles moved etc. whereas my son just had to cut out the pictures of the particles

and example pictures of solids, liquids and gases. It worked surprisingly well!

However, the best bit of the day was our practical experiment: turning a solid into a liquid. The solid we

used was chocolate, which we melted to turn it into a liquid. Whilst we heated the chocolate, I talked about

what was happening to the particles inside the chocolate. We then mixed rice crispies into the chocolate, to

make crispy cakes, and put them into the fridge, to cool it down and make it solidify.

Then, of course there was the taste test - which was the most important aspect of the experiment! They

were pretty good!

By the time my husband came home, there were very few crispy cakes left … I think we may have only

saved him one!

I might just have to do that experiment again …

Tuesday 12th May 2020 Day 51: Dandelion Honey

After all the excitement (!) of Boris’s announcement yesterday that schools may be going back on 1st June,

I decided that it would be best to keep plodding on with home schooling and our routine. The 1st June is

still a few weeks away, but even if the kids go back, I highly doubt that there will be much learning taking

place. The environmental changes and social expectations will have an affect on the pupils’ ability to focus

on work - particularly in the first few days. Then, by the time they get used to doing things differently, it will

be the summer holidays …

It may just be a big waste of time trying to get the kids back to school that close to the summer holidays. In

my opinion, it would be better to actually think practically and maybe use the summer holidays to ensure

that all kids get a bit of time in school. The teachers could then rotate their timetables efficiently, but still get

some time off over summer.

But that would be too sensible.

For some unknown reason, the insanely long 6 week summer holidays cannot be used for schooling. So, if

the plan is to get kids back into school to help parents go back to work, then that is very short-sighted. The

term will only last about a month (if that!), then it will be the holidays again.

The problem is that, at present, we still have to maintain 2m social distancing, so there won’t be many

children’s summer holiday clubs running or any childcare help in the form of family or

friends … Furthermore, when the schools are off, teacher’s don’t have to provide any work for the kids to

do, so they won’t have any education for 6 weeks anyway. And, to top it off, the government have

announced that holidays abroad are highly unlikely over the 6 week break.

To put it simply, there won’t be much for the kids to do for the whole of the summer. For 6 long, gruelling,

weeks. And most parents will have is to leave work again because there won’t be many options in terms of

childcare.

It could be an unmitigated disaster. At least at the moment, parents are able to use some of the work

provided by the schools, but when that stops there are going to be a lot of very, very bored children.

Plus, if the kids do go back on the 1st June, then the choice of returning year groups is completely farcical.

For me, if reception (my son’s year group), year 1 and year 6 go back first, then I won’t be sending my son

into school straight away. The risk of him catching anything is too high because he will want to play with all

the classroom toys and won’t be able to keep social distancing. My daughter (year 4) would also find it

unfair that he gets to go back before her, particularly when she is more capable of following the rules than

him. Plus my son relies heavily on my daughter’s support in school, particularly when his routine has been

changed or if there are too many social expectations placed on him, so I could not send him into school on

his own anyway because he would find it too upsetting.

Another thing I can’t get my head round is the blasé attitude towards other year groups. From my

experience in secondary schools, those children do need to have a formal education just as much as any

other age group. Apparently it is not as important for them to go in because they are more capable of

doing school work on their own: which is just complete nonsense. Young people, particularly teenagers,

need the support of schools, not just for educational reasons but also because they need their social

interactions. There will be major schooling problems, never mind the mental health issues, if they do not get

the opportunity to go back to school too.

Considering the government has access to some of the best educationalists in the country, if not the world,

I am really surprised by how badly they have thought this through. Or maybe they have, and they have

just come to the conclusion that this is the best option, even if it is completely stupendous.

*****

Our day of home schooling was lovely. We decided to take it a bit slower because we were all feeling pretty

tired this morning. So, we began with our usual morning routine, followed by a bit of Maths, just

multiplication, nothing too strenuous. After break, we did a bit of English - my daughter wrote a poem, and

my son drew some aliens on his whiteboard and told a story outloud. They were very well behaved and

quite engaged with their learning.

After lunch, we took a walk along the canal and collected dandelion flowers. We couldn’t pick too many

because my daughter wanted to make sure there was enough left for the bees to eat. However, we

collected enough to have a go at making dandelion honey once we got home.

It was one of the more unusual activities I’ve done with the kids, but I thought it would be a good

experience for them to make their own honey.

We began by picking all the yellow bits off the dandelion, before soaking them in water for a few minutes to

clean them. Then, we put them in a bit pot with some lemon, water, a drop of vanilla essence and a bag

of sugar, and simmered it all until it got a bit gloopy. Once cooked, we sieved it out and we managed to fill 2

jars!

It was surprisingly good! Not quite as nice as actual honey, but still tasty. It was also a bit too solid, a bit like

very sticky toffee rather than the nice runny stuff I wanted, but still not bad for a first attempt!

So, overall it was a nice day and it was good to try something so different.

Wednesday 13th May 2020 Day 52: Lego-tastic!

What a day! After being rudely awoken at 5.30am, I stumbled into the kitchen to find a pond had formed on

the floor.

Not what I wanted to deal with first thing in the morning!

So instead of my usual cup of Earl Grey tea and slow bumble around the house for an hour, I had to open

my eyes properly and sort out the disgusting mess.

My first thought was to make a water feature in the kitchen - I could’ve just added a few frog ornaments and

moved the fish from their tank (they’d have more room …)! Sadly, my sense of practicality

overcame me and I threw a mountain of towels all over the floor instead.

After I gave the hungry boy some breakfast, I had to figure out what had caused the leak. There didn’t

seem to be a flow of water, it was too stagnant, so it must have originated with the dishwasher or the sink.

I fumbled a bit with the tap and discovered the leak seemed to have emanated from the u-bend under the

kitchen sink. Now, I have never dealt with sinks before. I know absolutely nothing about plumbing, pipes,

water leaks … this was all new for me!

So, in my anxious state, I called my poor father on the phone. Fortunately, he answered! His voice was a

bit croaky, which was hardly surprising given the time, but he was surprisingly informative given that I had

just woken him up!

He has always been pretty good at practical matters around the house, but I wasn’t entirely sure what I was

talking about so he asked me to take some photos! Once he had an idea of what I was waffling about,

he actually thought it was quite an easy problem to fix: apparently the u-bend pipe had come loose and it

just needed a clean and re-tightening.

But then he said, “why not just wake your husband up? He’ll be better at fixing it!”.

I growled at him on the phone - I was having none of that nonsense!

So, I put the phone down, grabbed my trusty pink rubber gloves and set about fixing the u-bend.

Which I did.

Without my husband’s help.

It was a surprisingly easy job, even for a woman apparently!

I called my dad back and told him I had managed to do it, all on my own, without any help. He then

asked, “shall I come round to check it?”

I think I growled again before I put the phone down on him for a second time! It was only about an hour

later, after he’d called my husband to ask him to check my handy work, that I twigged he had been winding

me up! He knows I’m quite the feminist and, as he’s got older, he doesn’t worry about upsetting me as

much and says things he knows will antogonise me, just for his own amusement! He does make me giggle

(once I’ve calmed down, that is!).

The rest of the day was quite uneventful. We did a little Maths and English, then my husband took over for

a bit because he had finished for the day and wanted to spend some time with the kids.

He wasn’t in the mood for doing anything too educational, so got the box of Lego and built a pyramid with

the kids. He tied it in with my daughter’s Egyptian topic focus, which was lovely, so at least it was still sort-

of in line with what she is meant to be doing!

After lunch, my husband had a business Skype meeting, so I took the kids for a walk along the canal to

feed the baby ducks. It was a bit cooler today, but it was still lovely. We saw a few more planes in the sky

too. To be honest, I didn’t like seeing them: I think I’ve got quite used to the peacefulness, the lack of

background noise. I know it is good that life is going back to some sort of “normality”, but the quietness

is definitely something that I will miss.

Along the canal route we bumped into one of my daughter’s classmates (and her mum) riding their bikes. It

was lovely to have a chat with someone about their thoughts about the school’s reopening. The mum is

also from a teaching background and, like me, thinks its absolutely nuts to send the youngest kids in first.

The little ones may not get as ill as adults, but they certainly have a limited understanding of hygiene rules.

They could definitely carry a virus or easily spread it by touching everything in sight. Their teachers would

be unable to enforce social distancing at that age, thus they are highly likely to catch something and that

would result in staff shortages.

The more I think about it, the less likely I am to send my kids in, if the school’s reopen on the 1st June.

Mind you, I don’t know if they actually will open them now because there have been quite a few articles by

teaching unions and headteachers etc. who have all warned against opening schools too early.

On the positive though, the government is extending the furloughing scheme until October and some EU

countries believe that they may be able to accommodate holiday makers during the summer holidays. So,

that’s something at least.

I personally feel a bit anxious about all of this. I just don’t trust what is going on. I think that the mixed

message of “stay at home but go to work” is to encourage the public to make their own decisions about

what to do, but it just doesn’t feel right.

Maybe it is simply that the government is trying to remove any blame from themselves if there is a

second “bug” spike. Perhaps they are going for the “herd immunity” option because they’ve realised that

creating a vaccine will take too long. However, looking at the crowded tube stations in London, it now feels

like they have adopted a Darwinian “Survival of the Fittest” mentality because they don’t want the British

economy to completely collapse.

It is all a bit odd. However, my gut is telling me to stay well away from any public places for a while longer. I

hope that the lifting of restrictions doesn’t go wrong, but something just doesn’t feel right at the moment and

I don’t like it.

Thursday 14th May 2020 Day 53: Some reprieve

What a day! This has probably been one of the most difficult days of the lockdown so far. The kids have

really struggled. They’ve randomly cried, been over-sensitive to noises, then there was the jumpiness,

over-anxiety … it has been very hard.

I’m not sure what sparked it off. We started off with the normal daily routine, but after about 20 minutes,

they both just started falling apart. My son refused to do anything and kept telling us to leave him alone,

then my daughter burst into tears.

So, I had to stop what we were doing and all teaching plans just went through the window. We went outside

and just played.

After a while, I tried to go encourage them to do some more work, and again we managed about 20

minutes before it all got too much for them both and we had to stop again.

Then my mum arrived at the front door with some shopping (she has been helping me out during the week

because my husband is at work) … and that was it. The kids both burst into tears. My son tried to run out of

the house to hug her and I had to hold onto him tight, despite the kicking, screaming and crying.

It was one of the most horrible things I have ever had to do. I felt awful. The kids are missing their family

(and friends) so much, but we have to remain cautious because we can’t risk the elder relatives catching

the “bug”.

I think this is the problem now. As horrible as the “bug” is, and the amount of deaths it has caused, the

psychological impact is starting to take its toll on everyone. The lack of social interaction is a lot to expect

the kids to endure, particularly when they learn so much from being around other children.

I don’t know if I did the right thing or not, but one of our neighbours heard the difficulties we were having

and invited the kids over to play with her kids in their field. She has been having some similar issues with

her little ones as well, so she is very sympathetic to our situation. I decided that due to the terrible day the

kids were having, that an hour or so in the garden would actually do them some good.

The kids really surprised me by coming up with their own method of keeping their distance - they had a

massive water fight!

So, despite the awful morning, the day ended quite nicely. It was probably bending the rules a bit, but it was

needed. The kid’s psychological well-being is important too and it was good to give them a bit of reprieve

from the monotony of home schooling.

Friday 15th May 2020 Day 54: Camping in Magic School

Despite it being a school day, we have done very little work. Yesterday completely wiped me out, so I

decided that we needed to take a bit of time to re-group as a family.

It has been a really lovely day. The kids are feeling more relaxed and are so much happier. They have

been playing in the garden a lot, but when I asked them to help around the house

to earn their “heart” rewards, they were really responsive! They have done some gardening, hoovering,

dusting and they ate all their dinner! It might not seem a lot, but after the difficulties I had yesterday, I was

really chuffed they were so helpful! They managed to earn their rewards - some cuddly toys today. Friday

rewards are always the biggest! During the week I usually just give them a chocolate bar or a small prize; it

would get too expensive if I gave them big prizes every time!!

Today I also got a few emails off my son’s school, asking about our plans and whether we intend to send

him back into school when they reopen on 1st June. I really wasn’t sure how to respond. I don’t know if it

will be safe enough and I really don’t know how my son will respond to the changes that have been made.

I think it may freak him out a bit at first. The social distancing will be a challenge and he will not like the new

classroom layout. Plus there are the hygiene issues - he’s only 5 so doesn’t often cover his mouth when he

coughs and doesn’t like washing his hands every 10 minutes!!

After discussing it a LOT with my husband, we decided that we would reply to the school with a “maybe”!

On reflection, that was quite unhelpful for the staff, but I just don’t have enough evidence to make a

definitive decision at the moment.

I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but I did ask the school for a different option - whether it was

possible to send my son to school once or twice a week only for an hour at a time to start with, to see how

he gets on. I’ve also requested that I go into school with him so that I can support him. My husband has

also asked for some flexibility from his work, so he can stay home with my daughter, if need be.

I don’t know if the school will like my idea, but I have to think outside the box with my son. It took a LOT of

effort to get him into school in the first place, so we have to be careful what we do with him. I want to make

sure he doesn’t forget what school is like, doesn’t miss out on his education, but I also want him to be safe

and enjoys going to school.

These new social distancing measures will make it difficult for him. He is a fidget - he will want to move

around the classroom and play with all the toys. He also doesn’t like to be told “no” (who does?!), but the

teachers will have to constantly remind him to stay in his spot and that will upset him.

It would be much easier if my daughter could be in school with him because she would be able to give him

some additional support. In honesty, I may still wait until she goes back before I send my son in, but we’ll

wait and see. I keep changing my mind every few hours, so really can’t predict what will happen.

In addition to the stresses of being a parent at the moment, I stupidly went shopping today because my

husband was home and I thought it would be good to have a bit of time to myself.

That was an error!

The shops have gone even crazier since the last time I went: the queue outside was huge and the one -way

system was completely nuts. I do have gloves and a facemask now, so I felt a bit safer in that regard, but I

still felt very anxious.

The reason why I stopped shopping was because of the anxiety attacks; my mum and my husband have

been doing them for a while. I hoped that I had got over the problem, but I haven’t. Today’s episode was in

the pizza section. Luckily I had the facemask on, which disguising the hyperventilating, but I had to hold

onto the shelves to stop myself falling over in dizziness.

I’m not sure why shopping is making me so anxious. When I have had similar issues before, there has

always been a noticeable reason. For example, I used to get anxiety attacks in lifts because when I was in

Lebanon I got stuck in a lift during an airstrike - a bomb hit the building’s electrics and the lift dropped very

quickly, before the emergency breaks came on as the lift got close to the basement. So, it makes sense

that I don’t like lifts! I had to push myself through the anxiety and I can now go in lifts without too many

problems.

However, this shopping thing doesn’t make sense. I have no idea what is making me so anxious! I think it is

just something I am going to have to work through and I will keep attempting trips to the shops to hopefully

ease the problems I am having with it.

Anyway, this evening, the kids have decided they want to have a camping trip in Magic School. They’ve got

some cushions, blankets and toys all ready for their sleep over! So I’m not going to get much sleep tonight,

but I think they’ll have fun!

Wish me luck!

Saturday 16th May 2020 Day 55: Restful day

Last’s night camping trip in the garden was fantastic! Granted, we didn’t stay the whole night in the shed,

but it still felt a mini-break from the monotony of being stuck at home!

I do feel very lucky to have the outdoor space to be able to do things like that. It was definitely needed -

gave us all a bit of a change.

We began with a bit of a barbeque, with burger and crisps, before converting the bbq pit into a fire pit, so

that we stay outside and keep warm.

Not that it was a particularly cold night, but it just took the edge off!

We sat all cuddled together as a family, under a blanket, watching the fire. My daughter said it was like we

were back in caveman times! We talked and talked for ages - it must have been past 10pm before we tried

to encourage the kids to go to sleep in the shed. We don’t have a tent or sleeping bags, but their blankets

and some cushion-mattresses did the trick!

Our attempts to get them to sleep fell on deaf ears though - they were far too excited for any of that!

By about midnight, and a few attempts to get the kids to go to sleep in the shed, I took my son back into the

house so he could sleep on his own bed. He was zonked out as soon as his head hit the pillow!

My daughter was a bit more hard-core and stayed in the shed with my husband. They only came back into

the house around 4am because they woke up to the dawn chorus. Although they both liked the birds to

start with, my daughter got a bit fed up with them after a while and wanted the comfort of her own bed!

So, although they didn’t actually sleep over in the shed, they had an adventure and fun: it was a really

lovely experience.

However, due to the lack of sleep yesterday, we were not in the mood for doing much today!

We mainly stayed around the house; my husband and I took shifts to get some sleep and the kids mainly

watched TV. We were far too tired to do anything substantial today, but that was okay. We needed a treat -

something a bit different, a break from the norm, and last night was definitely that.

I think we will have to do that again, particularly if this lock down continues for much longer! It was

important to do something different, to prevent us from all going stir-crazy. It is a shame that we won’t be

able to go on a proper holiday this year, but at least we can have some quirky family time whilst the world

remains in crazy-mode.

Gove says its safe …

Sunday 17th May 2020 Day 56: Prepping for the week

Today was another very chilled day: we mainly stayed around the house and did a bit of gardening. I

managed to trim the hedge all the way down one side of the house, which was a massive job I’d been

putting off for a while. The kids helped clean it all up, which really helped!

I’ve spent some of the afternoon preparing for next week’s home schooling. The kid’s school seem to have

finally got themselves into a rhythm with the home schooling, which is much better for me. The teachers are

finally talking to each other and have actually aligned the curriculums for the different classes - which will

make my life A LOT easier! This week I can actually teach the kids the same topic and just use the

differentiated activities as required.

Interestingly, they have recommended a PHSE focus this week - all about kindness and mindfulness. I will

extend it to include a bit of RE (I think it is Eid on 23rd May): I would like to teach them a bit more about

Islam and this topic links in quite nicely.

Reading the news today, it seems that the government is really pushing to open schools on the 1st June,

with or without agreement from the teaching unions. Unfortunately, they brought out the MP Michael Gove

to inform us all that schools are “safe”, which was a poor choice of spokesperson. Gove portrays himself as

an “expert” on education, despite never having been a teacher (and probably never taught in

a State school). When he was Education Minister, he made huge changes to the education system based

on poorly-evidenced ideologies that have not resulted in higher standards. He introduced Academies, but

these vary widely in terms of quality. Then he ignored the expertise of actual education professionals and

changed the GCSE examination system from the known A* to G grades to new 9 - 1 GCSE grades.

So, all in all, I’m now less convinced about sending my son into school than I was before Gove gave his

opinion on the matter! He has previously demonstrated a reckless attitude towards the education system,

which makes me think it is unsafe to send kids to schools, rather than convinced me it was a good idea!

Oh well, lets see how the next few weeks go. It could be a bumpy ride!

Exhaustion

Monday 18th May 2020 Day 57: Home School difficulties

For all my preparation yesterday, it was all thrown out the window again today because my son didn’t sleep

well last night. He had night terrors and was screaming in his sleep; woke up in a very difficult mood and

just could not concentrate all day.

Trouble was, I didn’t have the energy to think of how to engage him more in his learning. I would normally

think of something active - movement helps to get him back into the groove - but my brain just couldn’t think

properly today. I really just needed both kids to sit and just do what I had prepared so that I could just do

some easy-teaching today.

When my son doesn’t sleep, I don’t sleep and then I’m shattered the following day. However, when he

doesn’t sleep, more work is required to help him concentrate, but I’m not in the right state to actually

accommodate those needs.

I managed to get a bit of painting out of him and we went for a walk, so that was at least something, but

honestly it was not a good day for learning. My daughter did a bit more work because she enjoys writing

and will get on with stuff. She can just work quietly on her own for a bit, but I always feel bad not interacting

with her as much when really she should be getting the attention for being the good kid in the classroom.

It’s days like this that I do miss the kids being in school. On really bad nights, like last night, I would cancel

going into work: I am only bank staff and the SEN school are very understanding of our home life situation.

It was one of the reasons I had to take this type of job - I have to have the flexibility to take time off if

needed, and I don’t feel bad because they don’t have to pay me. I would just drop the kids off at school and

go back home to sleep because I am no use to anyone this exhausted.

Unfortunately, with home schooling, I don’t have that luxury. This has now been about two months of

teaching, or at the very least looking after the kids. There have been no breaks, no rest bite and no external

help. I know that our situation is better than most, so I shouldn’t really complain, but boy am I feeling the

exhaustion today.

I wonder if that is one of the reasons the government have suggested opening schools to the littlest kids

first. They are more challenging in terms of need and definitely more demanding on the parent’s time. I’m

just glad I don’t have to attempt to work from home at the same time as looking after the kids because there

is absolutely no way that anything productive would get done!

I have been thinking more about Gove’s statement yesterday and am wondering what possessed him, of all

people, to tell the country that schools are safe. He’s not particularly liked or respected by teachers, the

unions don’t particularly trust him either, so why was he the one to give that statement?

It could simply be that he was the only one brazen enough to stick his neck out and say that it was safe. I

can’t imagine many MPs would have wanted that speech! However, a cynical part of me wonders if it was

deliberate. It’s like he’s tempting the unions to go on strike - so if the schools remain closed then it is the

teachers who are at fault, not the government. If politicians have told teachers to go back on 1st June and

said it is safe (regardless of whether it actually is or not - they don’t really know the actual impact), then it

would make the teachers look selfish if they refuse to do it.

They keep saying that the children themselves will be safe - there are only a few rare cases of death from

the bug - which means that children can go in and it is just the teachers that are at risk. Some media outlets

have been trying to parallel teachers to doctors: teachers have a duty to go into school, like doctors have to

go into hospitals, regardless of the risk to personal health.

The difference is, patients in beds don’t tend to lick all the furniture and cough all over staff with their

mouths wide open! When you think about it, the environment in a classroom is not equitable to hospitals;

they do not have the same cleaning regiment for starters! Plus the staff need to have close interactions with

children, particularly young children because they learn through play. They need hands-on activities.

I don’t think the unions are adverse to opening schools, but just concerned about the unrealistic

expectations placed on teachers. The practicalities of social distancing such young children are insanely

difficult, if not impossible, to implement.

Maybe they’re thinking that the little ones need to get used to the new social distancing measures before

the other kids go back in?

Even if that is the case, it will be a tough work environment, for everyone. The stress on the younger pupils

will be immense and the teachers will get exhausted from all the extra stuff they’ll have to do to keep

everyone safe from the bug.

So, for the time being, I will be keeping my two at home. As exhausting as it is, as tired as I am feeling, I

have to do what is best for my kids.

I’m just going to have to drink far more tea to stay awake tomorrow!

Islamic Art

Tuesday 19th May 2020 Day 58: Need to keep it practical

Home schooling began with our usual routine, followed by a bit of English. My daughter was quite happy

with her spelling check exercise that I found off Twinkl (amazing education website), but my son was

struggling (again) to concentrate.

So, I made it a bit more practical for him - I got out the alphabet magnets that he likes and tried to

encourage him to make some words. He wasn’t really in the mood to start with, so I let him play for a few

minutes, before trying again. He was a bit more receptive the second time, but I had to sit him on my lap

because that seemed to help encourage him.

It is such a good job I have some resources at home; I do not know how I would cope if I didn’t have some

of these items to hand. Granted, I have also had to make a lot of my own resources too, but some things

have definitely come in very handy!

After break time, we did a bit of Maths, but this time it was my daughter who wasn’t in the mood! My son

was quite happy making symmetrical patterns with his shape blocks, but it took a bit more persuasion to get

my daughter engaged.

Due to the difficulties I have been having, I have decided to skip some of the Maths worksheets from school

because I struggle to teach Maths using that methodology. Instead, I pick and choose the lessons that I find

usable or that I can support with extra resources. I find that if I can actually teach the topic, my daughter

doesn’t get quite as huffy with me!!

She is doing a bit more on fractions at the moment - which is good because she needed to go through that

again. I’m not entirely sure why she struggles with the topic so much, she makes a lot of mistakes, so I’ve

basically started from scratch with it.

It was a really warm day today, which made outdoor activities a bit harder! However, we managed to sit in

the shade and have a bit of lunch in the garden - which seemed to make the kids a bit happier.

For the afternoon, I decided to stray a bit off the school’s topic choice (kindness) and looked at Islamic art

with the kids. The geometric patterns are fantastic for teaching symmetry and I showed my daughter how

fractions could be found in art. It worked surprisingly well! We first had a look at a PowerPoint on Islamic

art, then at an Arabic Qur’an I had kept from my teaching days. I think it is important for the kids to see and

handle sacred objects so that they can appreciate why they are special. Inside the Qur’an, the kids looked

at the calligraphy and the geometric patterns down the side of the pages.

My son really liked trying to find the shapes down the side of the pages and it inspired him to make patterns

with a ruler on some paper. My daughter preferred the circular patterns, so had a go with a compass, which

she had apparently never used before! It was really good because she was able to divide the circles into

quarters, eighths etc. I think I’ll continue with it again tomorrow and try some different geometric patterns

because she seemed to engage with it a lot more than the Maths work sheets!

By about 2pm, I was starting to get very tired. Although the teaching went a bit better today, it was still a

challenge and I had to keep my energy high all day just to keep the kids engaged. A lot of preparation had

to go into the afternoon session as well. I just want to do my best for the kids because I don’t think they’ll be

going back to school any time soon and I don’t want them to be completely out of the habit of learning!

I will take tomorrow a bit easier though.

Maths-abet

Wednesday 20th May 2020 Day 59: Child-led learning

We took it a bit easier today because we were all feeling quite exhausted.

We began with an activity designed by my daughter called “Maths-abet”. She got 26 pieces of card, wrote

the alphabet on one side and the numbers 1-26 on the other side. The cards were pegged in various

locations around the garden and the kids had to find them!

After they’d figured out where they all were, I made a coded message for them. Through a series

of Maths questions, the kids had to figure out the number answer, before then finding that number and the

corresponding letter on the back of the card. It worked quite well! Both kids were quite engaged, which was

good. My son actively worked out some of the Maths questions, and read all the letters outloud and my

daughter enjoyed helping him figure it all out!

The activity took pretty much the whole morning - and it was very active - so I was quite happy with that. I

know it was a bit off course from what the school had sent through, but the kids weren’t in any mood for just

sitting down and doing worksheets.

To be honest, as lovely as some of the work is that the teachers send through, I do struggle to use it with

my kids. Although they have improved the number of activities being sent out, some of it just doesn’t suit

my teaching style.

And today, my daughter was so determined to be the teacher that I told her just to design the activity and

we’d have a go at it. It was interesting to do some child-led learning and my daughter is very good with my

son, so I think that was why it was quite fun.

My husband was able to work from home today, so took the afternoon off to look after the kids, whilst I

caught up on some sleep! I am totally shattered. Apparently they didn’t do much, I think they watched a film

or something, but it didn’t matter - I just needed some time to rest!

I think this evening I am just going to watch a bit of TV myself! Can barely think straight due to the lack of

proper sleep.

Sixty days …

Thursday 21st May 2020 Day 60

I am in a low mood today. I feel really fed up and exhausted.

The realisation that this situation has been going for at least 60 days is just upsetting. To top it off, I am

feeling totally confused by what to do. There is the mix between information from the government, scientific

advisors and rumours; all of which makes it hard to know the truth of the situation. Granted, the confusion is

probably just representative of the fact that no-one has any idea what to do, but it doesn’t make our

situation any easier.

I am guessing that it is now down to individuals to make decisions for themselves about whether they are

willing to take risks to interact with others or not. However, I don’t feel like I have enough information to

make that decision yet. I personally feel completely unsure about what is safe, what social interactions are

permissible and whether trips to countryside / beach are a good idea or not. I feel confused by it all and am

worried I will make the wrong decision and put the family in danger.

I wish it was a bit simpler to know what is acceptable. I don’t expect the government to dictate what we

should or should not do, but I think the confusing messages from Whitehall have not helped my decision -

making. I guess that is both the good and bad point of democracy - the MPs and experts are allowed to

have free-speech and can tell the public their personal views. So it is down to us to make the right choices

to suit our family.

One of our neighbours have completely given up trying to do social distancing and seems to have invited

half the village around this evening, but I am far more nervous about the situation. I suffered with anxiety

before the bug, but the past few months have made me more anxious about interacting with others than

ever before!

My low mood has also been affected by conversation I had last night on Zoom with some people from the

school. In fact, it made me completely unmotivated and upset about what has been going on. The

headteacher basically confessed that the resources they have been sending to the pupils is from a central

database; they haven’t been doing the planning themselves. Furthermore, they haven’t been sending

everything out every week, so they have a backlog of materials (provided by others, not by the school

teachers themselves).

I feel like a complete chump. I have been putting in tons of effort for my kids because I thought that the

teachers at school were struggling to provide materials. I trusted that they were putting in the effort and

planning, despite the difficulties with lock-down, and I felt I needed to add extra to suit the needs of my

family.

But last night the headteacher confessed in a group conversation that they have basically been doing

nothing in terms of planning. She also told us that she has been having lots of conversations with other

headteachers (making herself look busy) and that she has been working on a risk assessment this week so

couldn’t do much in terms of work - but then she told us that most of the risk assessment document had

been filled in for her, so its not been too much work.

I just wonder what in the world they have been doing all the time. I know that a lot of teachers around the

country have been going above and beyond the call of duty, but not ours. I even heard about one primary

teacher who has been printing off all the materials every week and driving to all her pupils’ houses to drop it

off every Monday. Other pupils have had weekly phone calls from staff. Most of my friend’s children have

had at least one Zoom lesson with their teachers during lock down and have had to send in the work their

kids have been doing. My kids have had nothing. The teachers haven’t asked for any work, don’t seem to

care if any work has been done, and have barely shown any care whatsoever for our situation.

I’ve had no differentiated materials sent through; only 2 conversations with the class teacher over the lock-

down; and very little help whatsoever. We’ve been completely left to our own devices so I’ve had to put in

tons of effort to make sure he actually does something during the lockdown. I am absolutely disgusted by

how we have been treated.

Then I hear that the teachers have not been doing the planning themselves, that my son has basically been

ignored and that I have actually just been left to do everything myself.

I honestly trusted these people; I thought that they were genuinely struggling so I put in extra effort to make

sure my kids were okay. But now I find out that they weren’t struggling. In fact, I don’t know what the hell

they’ve been doing the past few months apart from sitting on their bums from the sounds of it!! If they have

been working hard, the headteacher certainly did not sound very frazzled and did not publicise how hard

they have been working.

So today, I couldn’t be bothered to do anything. What is the point when no-one cares? I know that my

efforts have benefitted the kids, but today I just could not find any motivation whatsoever to do anything. I’m

not paid anything at the moment, but I am working as a full-time teacher, with very little support from my

kids’ teachers (who are actually getting paid). My children deserve to be cared for, to be supported in their

education and to have communication from their teachers.

I feel very let down by their school and I am very upset.

I will pick up again, I always do, but the lack of care really got to me today. I need to re-assess my

perceptions of people in positions of power - people that I thought I could trust. But I can’t.

I wish that people would actually be trustworthy and do their jobs, rather than get paid for doing nothing,

whilst I work my socks off and get paid nothing.

TGI Friday

Friday 22nd May 2020 Day 61: Friday blues

I’ve not been feeling myself again today, so took it easy and did some RE with the kids. It always cheers

me up doing something relating to my special subject - I find it lends itself to multiple avenues of teaching

and I enjoy it.

I didn’t do any official Maths or English, I just wasn’t in the mood. So instead, I decided to build a mosque. It

is Eid either today or tomorrow, so it seemed appropriate to teach about Islam - at least it is something

useful, even if it wasn’t specifically on the curriculum sent by the school. They don’t care about whether we

do the work or not, so I might as well do stuff that makes me happy.

We began by building the mosque out of cardboard and masking tape. Luckily my husband has brought

home a lot of cardboard due to his job in the packaging and logistics industry, so I have plenty to play

around with!

My first thought was to make a walk-in model, but the kids didn’t want to bring down their space den (which

is surprisingly still up in my husband’s office!). So, we made a mini-mosque. In the living room. On a picnic

blanket. Watching Disney’s Aladdin because … well, why not?!

Once the base, walls and towers were built, we ripped up some old newspapers and I made

some paper Mache paste. I haven’t made that for years, so had to actually look up the recipe! I’d

completely forgotten that you have to add flour to the mix of water and glue, so good job I checked!

After covering the base of the mosque in newspaper, we moved on to make the dome. That was much

harder because I couldn’t find a balloon to make it out of!! However, an old jelly mold and some cardboard

seemed to do the trick! We made it big enough to slot on the top of the mosque, but it is removable so we

can look on the inside. I also left the inside of the dome curved (then covered in paper Mache) so that we

could decorate the inside of it.

It is currently drying outside - but I’m actually quite impressed at our efforts!

So either tomorrow or Monday, we are going to spend the day decorating it. Earlier in the week, I did a

lesson on Islamic art, so I’ll do a refreshed on that before I let the kids loose with it! I doubt it will look

completely like a mosque when we’re done, but I think they’ll do a decent job!

Now the kids have gone to bed, I think my husband and I will break out a bottle of wine. After

all, it is a Friday and this has been a tough old week, so I think we deserve a treat!

Rules

Saturday 23rd May 2020 Day 62: Rule setters

So today’s news was about the PM’s main advisor breaching lockdown rules to travel from London, whilst

symptomatic.

His reasoning was a bit vague, something about visiting his parents I believe. There probably was a good

reason, but that has got lost in the media’s tirade against him. Not that I think he was right or wrong; it

happened, they tried to cover it up and now it’s come out.

Obviously, the calls for his resignation will fall on deaf ears, because he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

Like most of these people in positions of power.

Well, at least it has distracted from the monotony of the daily news cycle. In a way, it will also probably

make more people inclined to breach lockdown rules. If those in power aren’t following them, why should

we? The killer bug is not going to go away any time soon and now that the mega-hospital facilities have

been built and doctors have a better idea about what to do, the people can go through “herd immunity”. It

will probably be faster to have a Darwinian attitude towards this bug than to rush the scientists into finding a

vaccine or cure.

This all inspired me to write another one of my poems. Enjoy!

Rule Keepers

Rub it raw!

Scrub it good!

For that’s what it takes,

So keep it up!

Keep your distance,

Keep your head,

Keep it up,

Or you’ll end up dead.

Don’t matter what they do,

Don’t matter what it takes,

You’ve got to stay clean

To survive another night.

It’s up to you now.

It’s all on you.

You have to do what’s said,

Not that it matters to them.

They set the rules.

They set the tone.

They set the limits.

Then they break them.

They are the rule keepers

They set the goals

But they can do what they like,

But you have to do as they say.

Not as they do.

Bank Holiday Weekend

Sunday 24th May 2020 Day 63: It’s sunny!

We have had a lovely day today. Lots of relaxing, playing outside and not doing very much at all!

I’ve been getting quite into my gardening. I did try jogging but I don’t like the feeling around my ankles, so

my exercise is now gardening. I feel like I’m turning into an old lady before my time!

I had a really lovely conversation with a friend today too. She has gone back to work in a private care

facility now, doing lots of training and paperwork. However, the staff seem to be struggling to follow the

social distancing requirements. They work hard to adhere it when they’re with their patients, but behind

closed doors, they just can’t stay 2m apart. My friend seemed to think it was more of a headache than it’s

worth.

All of this rule breaking does make me wonder what is going to happen now. Since the last statement on

the matter by PM Boris was incomprehensible nonsense, I do get the feeling that they just want the public

to get over their fears and make sure the economy gets back on its feet.

Oh well, we’ll wait and see what happens. I’m still very nervous about the situation, I don’t trust what we are

being told or why we are being told certain stories. I feel like the guidelines are unclear, that the facts have

been convoluted and as though we have literally been left to our devices.

But, that is why it is so important for me to focus on the things that I can control, or that make me

happy. So staying with my family, that is something within my control and I love being with the kids. I really

will miss them when they go back to school! They keep me going through the day and stop me from fixating

on things that are outside of ability to fix.

The bug still plays on mind - it’s always in the background, affecting how I live and what activities I can do.

It even affects how I move, what I touch (with or without gloves?) and even how I breathe (with or without a

mask?). I think it will be hard to get back to any sense of “normality” when lockdown ends.

But at least I can still cuddle my immediate family, in particular my children. I am so glad that they are home

with me during this, and at an age where they actually don’t mind me being around!! In that respect, at least

we are in a good position to keep enduring this for a bit longer.

I Will Come Back

Monday 25th May 2020 Day 64: Restful day

Today we have done very little, so I have decided to publish this lovely poem by my daughter. Her voice is

important because she will be the one affected by this in terms of her education and life experiences at a

crucial age.

I Will Come Back

When I look your eye you remind me of a butterfly.

My friends have tears.

They will come back.

I will come back with a heart.

If people die they are still in our heart.

I will come back to school

I will come to you

I will come to my friends.

You always make me smile.

I will come back with destiny and hope and fight.

So everyone will come back together.

I will come back to everyone.

So bee yourself.

By E, aged 9 years old

Shopping Trip

Tuesday 26th May 2020 Day 65: Half-term week

This week is technically half-term for the kids, but since all the days seem to be merging into one, it hardly

seems worth differentiating! We can’t go on any holiday, we can’t visit any relatives and it’s generally not a

holiday except in the sense that the teachers don’t send any work.

In fact, the kid’s school has decided that they’re only going to open from 8th June (not the 1st June like the

government have suggested) to reception and year 1 pupils, because they want to have a holiday over half -

term. And because they haven’t set up the classrooms yet, so are going to spend the entire week setting up

the rooms. Apparently the kids who have been in over lockdown (due to their parent’s being key workers)

have only been allowed in the hall and in the playground, so the rooms are not set up yet. Oh and the kids

will only be in a maximum of 4 half-days a week.

I find it absolutely ludicrous that they are giving themselves an extra week without actually teaching the

kids. Although I am still unsure if I am going to send my son in or not, I am upset that the option has been

delayed by a week. I don’t think it would take an entire week to set up 2 classrooms, but what do I know?

There’s probably some explanation to do with the risk assessment conducted at the school.

Maybe I’m looking at this wrong. From what I’ve read, it does seem crazy what schools seem to be going

through to make the environment safe. It makes me question what the kids going to learn if the teachers

are just constantly having to tell them to wash hands or move away from other kids etc? It could be more

stressful then it is worth.

But I could do with a little restbite, I am feeling shattered. Maybe I should drive to Durham like Dominic

Cummings, the PM’s chief aide, to drop the kids off with relatives because I can’t cope… no? Am I not

allowed to do that?! Oh well, one rule for them, another for the rest of us …

Anyway, I digress!

We had a nice relaxed day - we did a bit of painting and cooking and gardening, which was nice. The kids

also got sent £20 each from their Great Grandma, so I decided to take them to the big shop. They haven’t

been inside a shop the entire lockdown, so it was quite an interesting experience for them. My son was

excited by all the garden ornaments, wanted to buy all of them, and my daughter bought herself a new

swimming costume. She does really miss her swimming lessons!

So, all in all, a nice day.

Illness

Wednesday 27th May 2020 Day 66: and still looking after the kids!

I’ve been feeling a bit off the past few days, so had to call the doctor yesterday. I’m now on strong

antibiotics, which are making me feel very tired. I don’t have the privilege to drop the kids off with some

relatives, so I’ve looked after my kids today, despite being quite poorly.

I had to take it easy so that I could survive the day. We watched a few films and then painted the

paper Mache mosque in a base coat of white, which was quite nice.

After lunch, the kids played in the paddling pool - it was such a warm day, it was nice to be outside!

However, I am now shattered so won’t be writing more - I will be okay, only got 5 days on these tablets!!

Paddling Pool

Thursday 28th May 2020 Day 67: It is hot!

I have been feeling exhausted again today; this medication is really quite strong and making me feel a bit

dizzy and drousy.

Fortunately, the husband was able to work from home today - and only needed to do a few hours, so I

wasn’t looking after the kids on my own. After being woken up at 5.30am by my son, I managed to stay

awake until 9am before I had to wake my husband up and ask him to take over.

I promptly went back to sleep for a few hours! The medication seriously knocked me out and I feel like I’m

fighting quite a nasty bug. I was quite pale all day too.

When I got up around lunch time, the kids were really happy. My mum had come round and dropped off a

new paddling pool for them - a silver Space-themed one! It is a lot bigger (and better!) than the last one,

which unceremoniously popped and now looks like a rather sad squished bag of moldy potatoes. It took

quite a while to fill up, but the kids enjoyed playing in it even whilst it was filling up!

Once the husband had finished his homework, he decided to take the kids out for a walk in the woods to

give me a bit of time to rest. Unfortunately, the walk was short lived because my daughter burst into tears

about 10 paces into the wood. She had a very strange nightmare that was playing on her mind a lot. In it,

she went on a school trip with her class teacher, a few school friends and some of the older children in

school, to New York. But when she got there, the bug hit and she was forced to stay in a hotel with the

school and couldn’t get in touch with me or her dad. She felt trapped and scared.

It was interesting that the bug is playing on her mind so much that she dreamt about being quarantined in a

different country. A few days ago she had asked me about what happened to people who were on holiday

when we went into lockdown and I told her the vast majority of people have managed to get home, but I

think she must have been thinking about it more than I realised.

Once the family got back, we chilled out and watched a film, which cheered my daughter up. Hopefully

she’ll sleep a bit better tonight.

Home Hotel and Restaurant

Friday 29th May 2020 Day 68: Constant playtime!

With the husband back at work today, I was left to my own devices with the kids.

They were in a particularly playful mood and we ended up playing with virtually every toy around the house

and garden! From Lego building to car racing, playing with the sand table and the paddling pool … I’m

feeling quite exhausted!

Very sweetly, I think my daughter realised how much the tablets have affected me, so she told me to sit

down and she would make me lunch. I was thrown out of the kitchen and was not allowed in until they had

finished!

About half an hour later, my daughter came to collect me. She led to the closed kitchen door, which had a

sign on it - the kitchen was now the “Home Hotel and Restaurant”. My son opened the door, with a tea

towel over one arm and took my hand to the kitchen table. On the table was a plate, cup and a menu. He

had also made a centre piece made from some baby wipes, a cup, an old paint tube and a pencil. It was a

unique piece - and I bet it would be something you might see in a restaurant in London!

On the menu were two options: strawberries with chocolate moose followed by grapes; or pizza and chips

followed by a glass of special rock water.

I chose the option that required no cooking; I didn’t quite trust my daughter enough to not burn herself

trying to cook a pizza!

After the waiter (my son) took my order, my daughter made the strawberries and chocolate moose.

Although it was questionably presented, it tasted delicious! Then the waiter brought me a glass of orange

juice, whilst my daughter cut the grapes in half.

Overall, I was very impressed at their efforts - and it certainly made my day to be literally waited on hand

and foot by my kids!

Unfortunately, what I didn’t realise when I started the meal, was that because it was a restaurant, I had

been charged for the food!

It cost me £5!!!

I even got given a bill! And I was told I had to give the waiter a tip!!

Honestly, those kids are cheeky monkeys!

I couldn’t deny them the money though, they had worked hard to make my lunch time wonderful, so I gave

them £3 each, which came to £6 - so I had fulfilled the £5 charge and given them a £1 tip!

In the afternoon we played outside in the garden. The kids played in the paddling pool - they have a

“naughty bucket” which magically pours water over people when you least expect it. This bucket was also

very good at making the slide into a water slide, which the kids went very fast down into the grass

underneath!

By the evening, the kids were exhausted so I made them some dinner - I did try to charge them but instead

of money, they gave me a piece of paper.

It said “I’ll pay later”.

Seriously.

I am going to have to have words about this one!!!

Bucket Found!

Saturday 30th May 2020 Day 69: Hot, hot, hot!

It has been crazy hot today! Cannot believe this weather!

We have had a nice day, lots of water play. The kids moved the hose to the top of the slide so that they

could make it into a water slide. We also had the sprinkler on for a while so they chased that around for a

while! I’m pretty sure a hosepipe ban will be enforced over the summer break, so might as well make the

most of the water whilst we can!

I even got the chance to sit on a chair in the garden and do some of my scrap quilt! It has been a few

months since I’ve been able to just sit, calmly. I typically do lots of other housework stuff or laundry when

the kids are playing, but today I just could not be bothered.

It was a well-deserved break!

My husband went out for a walk on his own in the afternoon - we decided not to go with him because it was

far too hot and I was worried that the kids would get sunburnt. He took a route along the canal, which

looked beautiful from the photos. However, the water level in some places is very low because the locks

are not being used - so there is no water flow to speak of. At one point, my husband spotted a blue bucket

in the canal sludge - it was my son’s old bucket from a long time ago! We’ve been through 3 buckets since

that one, but it was good to know that the old one was still okay, despite being at the bottom of a canal for

so long!

I did, rather stupidly, read the news today - I wanted to check how the SpaceX flight went, but instead I

ended up reading about what is going on the USA. It is absolutely tragic - there was an horrific death of a

black man at the hands of a white policeman, who stood on his neck until he couldn’t breathe and who

consequently died. The response from the public was righteous outrage - absolutely disgraceful that a

policeman did that - but it has now turned into full blown riots. Curfews in place in a few cities, but no-one is

really adhering to them; police stations set on fire; mass looting and rioting; and there was even a protest

outside the White House. It seems that the death of that man has been a catalyst: these protests are about

more than just what happened to him. They are also an expression of the injustices many communities feel

they have experienced in recent years. That, combined with the added pressures and difficulties of

lockdown, associated home and job losses etc, has resulted in mass unrest. It is hard to believe that the

USA is going through something so terrifying and upsetting, but it just shows how important it is for people

in positions of power to show respect to their citizens. It should not be one rule for the powerful and another

rule for the masses; laws and justice should be followed by all members of society.

Anyway, now the kids are in bed, I’m going to go have a sit outside and rest a bit more as the last rays of

sun hit the fields.

It is a truly beautiful sunny day.

Space-themed day

Sunday 31st May 2020 Day 70: Name the planets!

Yesterday was an historic day: the private rocket company SpaceX sent two astronauts up to the

International Space Centre. I didn’t show the kids the video until today because I wanted to make sure that

it took off without a hitch. If it had blown up on take off, my kids would have been very upset.

Luckily, it was fine and I was able to show the kids the video today! My son loves all things space-

orientated and wants to go into space when he is older: this mission has made that dream a real possibility.

Granted, we would probably need to be multi-millionaires before he could go up, but at least there is a

chance now.

Anyway, the kids loved the video, so we ended up doing a lot of space-related things today. My husband

tried to explain gravity and then how the rocket can go around the earth without crashing back down - the

kids had a LOT of questions about that one! Then I made a space-themed poster with them. I used some

coffee filters, pens and water to make the planets and then an old poster base a friend gave me from

something called Toucan Box. I’ve never used them myself, but it’s basically a small craft box that is sent

once a week with a different, self-contained activity. My friend has been using them since before the

lockdown, but they seem to be getting more popular. I have too much other arts and crafts junk at the

moment to bother with it, but the poster was pretty cool.

By the end of it, my son knew all the names of the planets and my daughter is very cross at the injustice of

what happened to Pluto (it was downgraded from planet status). She thought it was cute that there was a

tiny planet on a weird orbit that was trying to sneak into the solar system!

It was such a lovely day.

Home schooling will start again tomorrow. I will have both kids with me next week because the school itself

does not open until Monday 8th June, but I’ve not really done much planning because I’ve still got a lot left

over from last term. I am glad that we decided to take a half-term break, but it may be difficult to get the

kids (and me!) motivated tomorrow - particularly if the weather stays this hot!

I did read today that they are thinking that they won’t be reopening the schools for all year groups until

September now, which will really upset my daughter. She loves her class teacher and to not be taught by

her will be difficult. Part of me wonders if we should follow Northern Ireland’s lead and open the schools a

bit earlier next term - so in August instead of September - so that the other classes get some learning, but I

don’t think that will be possible. The teachers have set contracts and they have been generally working

quite hard the past few months, so most probably deserve a break. Personally, I would also like a few days

off - but I don’t think that isn’t going to happen for a long time! Although I don’t have a clue what I’m going

to do for 6 weeks with the kids, I’ve lasted this long, so what’s another few months?!

New Normal?

Monday 1st June 2020 Day 71: Lockdown continues

I can’t believe it’s June already. I’ve been writing my blog solidly for over 70 days now, which I never

thought would happen when I began!

When lockdown was announced, I decided to publish my personal writings in a public place so that it felt

more “real”. I’ve done a bit of online writing like this before, but I used to keep it a bit more academic or

simply distinct from my personal life. However, the announcement about the “bug” made this situation very

different to what I have experienced before and I knew that I would need an outlet to help me through it.

As odd as it sounds, I think that my time during the war in Lebanon taught me some resilience skills for

coping with the current situation. Although it has been insane, tough, weird and downright bizarre at times, I

have survived so far without too many mental health issues. I think finding a place to write about what I am

going through has helped me. I did the same when I was in Lebanon, but it was in verbal form in stead - I

was interviewed on a lot of radio shows and various News channels, including the 6pm BBC News. The

situation was so awful I decided to use my (limited) influence to speak out and tell people what was actually

going on. The problem was that I hated being in the public eye and I hadn’t really considered the

implications of how breaching my personal privacy would affect me after the events. Speaking out

essentially accentuated my PTSD when I got back to the UK and I struggled to come back out of my shell

for a few years after that.

Now, I don’t care quite so much because this blog is in a tiny pocket of the Internet where no-one ever

looks; my writing has a different function.

This time, there is no real injustice being committed because the entity that has caused the lockdown is

unseen and is not making a conscience decision to act in the way that it does. In my opinion, the “bug” is a

living thing, but it is not aware of how its behaviour affects other lifeforms - it just is what it is and there is

not much we can do about it. So, my reasoning for publishing my thoughts is not quite as politically

motivated as last time; it is a lot more personal and reflective.

It has basically been my way of getting through this strange period in history. I chose to put my reflections

into the public domain because there is something about being observed that makes the situation seem

more real. It has bizarrely gives me the motivation and strength to keep going. Even if only one or two

people ever read this, that doesn’t really matter because it is the process of writing and publishing that has

helped me.

Reflecting on how I feel after 70 days is a difficult endeavour, because I’m feeling a bit numb. However, I

am conscious that I am quite a different person from the individual who entered the lockdown. I’m not sure

if this is the best phrasing, but there was almost a sense of excitement about trying something different

when this began. But now, it feels like something very different. It is as if I am now numb to the situation.

The “bug” is still in the back of my mind but I’m not as scared or as interested by what is going on.

I think I have begun to accept that life has changed, and will possibly be forever changed, by what the

entire world is experiencing at the moment.

I had initially hoped this situation would be over within a month or two; that the kids would be back to school

and doing their various extra curricula activities; that there would be a set deadline when life would

be “normal” again. But it isn’t over yet and the sense of longevity is finally kicking. The desire for this to all

be over and to have a “normal” life again has faded a bit and I feel that I am starting to be a bit more

accepting of the situation. I think I may have finally acknowledged that whatever happens is completely

outside my control and we just need to live with it now.

So, I have now decided to reduced how much I publish online. Things are not quite as intense; life has

changed, but it feels more stable. So I think I will just do weekly summaries now; I will still write a bit every

day, but just not online

*************

Life with the kids was nice today. We took it easy because I am still not completely well, so we just did a

little Maths and a bit of English in the morning, before watching a film over lunch and playing in the garden

in the afternoon. It was absolutely boiling again today (really unusual weather the moment), so none of us

could concentrate that much.

Really sweetly, one of my daughter’s friends called to have a chat with her today. They talked for about an

hour!!! I think my daughter has been missing her a lot, so I will make more of an effort to get in touch with

them. I hope that they might be able to have playdate in the garden soon - we’ll give a week or two and see

if the recent relaxation of the lockdown has a negative impact on the number of “bug”-related illnesses first I

think.

I also got the chance to speak to the mum as well, and she reminded of how difficult this lockdown has

been for some families. Some children have been really struggling with the lack of routine and reduced

human contact - things that they really need at this young age.

It does come to a point where we have to weigh up what is worse: the “bug” or the mental health problems

that could arise from this situation. I feel that my kids have ben surprisingly resilient throughout this - we

have had some seriously difficult moments but overall I have been very impressed with them. But it is

getting to the point now where they do need to start having more social interactions.

So what should we do? Should we accept the government’s relaxation of the rules, despite knowing that it

is a political move rather than a scientific one? Or should we persist with stricter rules?

I am definitely more cautious than some of the British public - there have been a few really odd stories in

the press today about massive queues outside some shops. The pictures of the Ikea stores really shocked

me - some people had been waiting outside the store since 5am (store opened at 9am) just to buy some

furniture. They were queueing outside, in this insane heat, all around the carpark!

I think I’m just going to keep going as we are for a bit longer. I’m just going to do essential shopping when

needed and keep looking after the kids. It is knackering, but it feels like the right thing to do, for now.

Tuesday 2nd June 2020 Day 72: Quiet day

Today the news was filled with stories about the unrest in America. There have been protests for a number

of days since the death of a black man, who was killed by a white police officer standing on his neck.

Unfortunately, alongside the peaceful protests, there has also been looting and violence, which has caused

enforced curfews in some places.

Then, President Trump took to the street to have his photograph taken outside a church, whilst he held the

Bible. To get to the church, his guards tear gassed peaceful protestors along the route, so that the

President could walk without the protestors in the way.

It was surreal. His actions were like those of a dictator; his threats to send in the army were just awful; but

standing outside a church holding a Bible, after gassing the peaceful protestors, was plain disrespectful. I

think the photo opportunity was done to appeal to a particular demographic, particularly since the elections

are coming soon, but it was still a very odd thing to do. The President seems to have forgotten about the

separation of Church and State. Mind you, some of his other recent behaviours, comments and actions

have also been quite questionable; this “bug” and the economic fallout has certainly taken its toll

on him and it is starting to show.

I just hope that this situation gets better soon, but this does not look good at the moment.

*********

My day with the kids was lovely. We started with a bit of Maths and English - nothing too strenuous, but just

a bit of reinforcement of old concepts. My son hasn’t been sleeping very well, so I have to adjust how I do

things. I am getting better at understanding his limits now, but it is still tiring to think on my feet all the

time!!

It was another really hot day though, so by the afternoon, none of us were in the mood for doing anything!

We lay in front of the fan, watching a film called The Cat from Space, a 70s Disney film about a talking cat.

The kids found it hilarious!

We also made a lovely fruit salad, drank loads of juice and just generally had a more chilled day. I really

enjoyed it - and needed a quiet one!

Exhaustion

Wednesday 3rd June 2020 Day 73: Map reading

Last night, after the kids went to bed, I got a very strange message off another mum about something my

daughter said in a conversation with her daughter. She said that my daughter had asked whether she was

a “good or bad mum”, which she thought was very rude.

I wasn’t really sure how to respond because I didn’t listen in on my daughter’s conversation with her friend.

My initial reaction was shock - I was a bit surprised that the mum was so concerned about the question! I

thought that the kids had a nice conversation and my daughter seemed really happy afterwards!

In the end I just apologised and said that I would talk to her about what she said.

I didn’t talk to my daughter though because I didn’t want to upset her - to me, the question was just her way

of trying to figure out what was going on with her friend. It was obvious that the friend had been crying - she

is also going back into school this week, despite not being in one of the returning year groups.

I think that the lockdown has obviously been detrimental to the poor girl so I didn’t take the message off the

mum too personally. However, I hope that the conversation doesn’t mean that my daughter doesn’t get the

chance to talk to her friend again.

In other news, home schooling has not been great this week. I’ve been relying too heavily on worksheets

and not doing my usual teacher dancing - I’ve been far too tired. My husband very sweetly took the kids out

for a walk this afternoon and showed my daughter how to map read, so at least they did something

practical. In good news, my daughter is going to start having one-to-one lessons outside with

her Maths tutor starting next week. She has been doing Skype lessons over the lockdown, but now that

there has been a slight easing, she can start seeing the tutor again - which will be great because she really

needs extra support for Maths.

My word, it’s only 8pm and I want to go to bed!

Thursday 4th June 2020 Day 74: Tiredness

This has been one of the hardest days of lockdown so far. I have cried at least 5 times today, just randomly

burst into tears at little things. I don’t think being up at 5am every day this week has been good for my

health. Everything just seemed too much for me and I was finding my son’s reluctance to learn far too much

to deal with.

We got into the classroom this morning and my daughter sat down to do her Maths, but my son just refused

to do anything - he sat down with his blocks and every time I tried to engage him, he said “leave me alone”.

When I asked what he was feeling, he said “angry”.

All I managed to get out of him today was 5 minutes of sequenced patterns with his blocks - I asked if I

could play with him for a little while and that was all he allowed me to do with him. Everything else was just

met with a “no”.

To top it off, his toileting is very bad at the moment, so we have a lot of “wild” wees and poos, which then

requires a lot of cleaning on top of everything else.

By lunchtime, I felt completely overwhelmed so messaged the school to formally request that my son be

allowed to go back. His teacher was lovely and sent lots of extra practical lesson activities, so I am going to

print them off over the weekend and do them next week. I also got an email to confirm that I will get a call

off the headteacher tomorrow with a “plan of action” for my son to go back into school.

Then, my daughter’s teacher called to see how my daughter was doing. It was really nice to see them

showing their duty of care to the family - I really needed it today.

Friday 5th June 2020 Day 75: Vegetarian child

This morning I was up at 5am again with my son. I have no idea why he keeps waking up at such an

ungodly hour, but it is not good. I was far too tired again today and struggled to do much.

My daughter woke up at 7am, a more normal time, and has decided she wants to be vegetarian. She cried

when she told me because she said she didn’t want to upset me.

To be honest, I had been expecting it for a while - she has been slowly going off meat and doesn’t like

hurting any living creatures. Also, weirdly when I was pregnant with her, I couldn’t eat meat - I felt sick at

the sight and smell of meat. However, my iron levels got very low so my husband would sneak beef into

things!

Anyway, I told her that she didn’t upset me at all - it is something that we can work with and I would help

her to eat vegetarian. So, once my husband woke up, I took my daughter to the shops so she could choose

what she wanted to eat. My husband stayed home with my son and built a town out of Lego.

With our facemasks and plastic gloves on, my daughter and I went to a nearby big shop so she could

choose what she wanted to eat. She was very excited to be making her own decisions about food. I think

she needed to feel like she has some control over her life and this isn’t a bad thing to do - there are far

worse things that kids can do to express their desire for control! Plus, this was something I had been

expecting for a while, so I was prepared for it!

Just going to be a bit challenging when I have two boys who love meat!

Once we got back home, I got a call off the school - the headteacher sounded absolutely shattered and told

me that trying to organise the classrooms has been a lot harder than she originally thought. They have

to measure the distance between all the desks, make sure only cleanable objects are in the classroom,

clear the walls, put a one-way system in place … it all sounds very stressful.

Anyway, we decided that my son is going to go back in for two lunchtimes next week, followed by just

afternoons the week after. I don’t know if we will be able to build it up to full-days, but at least he will get

some formal education, even if it is just half-days for a few weeks. It isn’t ideal, but at least it is something

and it will make things a little bit easier for me - and it will mean I can concentrate on my daughter’s

education a bit more.

I am still feeling shattered so can’t write that much today. Hopefully my son will sleep better tonight; we all

really need some proper sleep.

Due to tiredness and some of the personal issues we are going through with my son, I have decided not to

publish my blog every day. Instead, I will write this as a diary and then write a summary for the blog.

Saturday 6th June Day 76: friends over

• Daughter’s friend came over to play in the garden in the rain

• They played in the Magic School & made a mess

• The child is an only child and found it quite hard

• Nice to see my friend too - sat and had a cup of tea, which we’ve not had for a long time. Did

a bit of quilting. Hard not to give her a cuddle when she left.

Sunday 7th June Day 77: Quiet Sunday

• Lots of protests around the UK against racism

• In Bristol, the statue of an old slave trader was pulled down

• We did some painting and playing around the house

• Quiet day

• Dystopian Playground

Monday 8th June Day 78: Back to School?

A lot of schools opened their doors to a few year groups on the 1st June - in primary this includes

Reception, Year 1 and Year 6.

Today was the first day my children’s school reopened to those year groups. I decided not to put my son

(who’s in Reception) in on the first day because I wasn’t sure how he would react to the new environment.

To help the transition, we have put together a plan of action. Today, we went past the school gate to say

hello to anyone in the playground. The teacher told me that the children at school would be outside at a set

time, so we went to the playground gates then. However, they were still eating lunch when we got there.

The little ones get free hot lunches, but they had forgotten that the food needed to be served out and no-

one had been assigned that role. For health and safety reasons, the server should have specific training,

but I’m not sure what happened today in the school.

Anyway, to encourage my son to go past the school, I gave him the iPad for the walk. He likes taking

photos, plus it gave him a focus and he didn’t have to look anyone directly in the eye. When we got to the

school, we stood outside the gates and got to see the headteacher and the Reception classroom teacher in

the playground. We talked for a few minutes and they tried to engage him; he talked to them from behind

the IPad. It wasn’t ideal, but at least he responded to their questions.

The whole situation was very unusual, but I’m glad we did it. It introduced my 5 year old son to the prospect

of going back into school - something that he definitely needs now that he has been off for over 10 weeks.

He has been getting harder and harder to engage in educational activities; he wants to go and do his own

thing all the time and is becoming a bit feral. I have tried hard to keep him engaged, but I am getting

exhausted and need a bit of extra support. As horrid as it feels to send him back into school, I think he

needs to have more social interactions and a bit more structured learning.

Tomorrow, we are going to go to the school playground gates at a slightly later time so that we can say hi

to some of the children. We are hoping that my son will respond positively and want to go back in.

I’m not holding my breath though; I know he doesn’t like one of the children already in school because he

finds him quite noisy, so we’ll see how it goes. However, I think that once he is in the classroom, he might

quite like it - the walls have been cleared and he will have his own desk, plus the staff-to-pupil ratio is much

smaller. The classroom is actually a bit too small for the whole class when every pupil is in; but now, only 6

of the Reception kids are actually back in school. When my son goes back, it will only be 7 pupils.

Just think about that - 7 pupils to 1 teacher. Granted the social distancing is an issue and the kids can’t play

with the toys like they would like to, but the ratio is much better and hopefully the kids will benefit from that.

My son will hopefully be back in the classroom on a proper timetable by Monday.

The only bad bit about going to the school was that my daughter got very upset that she isn’t going back as

well. She saw one of her friends (parents are key workers) and wanted to go back into the school to chat to

her. Sadly, I don’t think her year group (year 4) will be in school until September at this rate.

To be fair, my son is only going to be in school for 5 weeks maximum; it hardly seems worth it! But it will

give me and my daughter a bit of rest bite - and some time to really concentrate on her education.

So, that was day 1 of re-introduction to school. Fingers crossed it goes okay the rest of the week!

Tuesday 9th June 2020

Day 79: Visit to school again

This week is all about getting my son back into school. He needs to go back in; I am suffering from

severe exhaustion and I now need some assistance.

My son is a sweetie I have really enjoyed a lot of our time together. However, I’ve been looking after the

kids extensively on my own and it’s got too much for me.

My son has autism spectrum disorder, with behavioural issues, including toilet-refusal at the moment. Every

little thing has to be thought about and I have to adjust my words and actions to get a response. All the

educational activities require additional work to ensure that they are suitable for him, but half the activities I

design are just ignored or thrown away, which then means I have to think of other things, have substitute

activities and so on.

It is knackering and I really feel completely unsupported at the moment. I know that lots of parents with

SEND children are having similar issues - it is like we have been forgotten about. Besides, it’s our fault that

our kids have issues, so we have to deal with it.

Anyway, I have asked the school to have my son in the school and today we went to visit at lunchtime

again. Just to wave at the other kids already in.

Luckily they did wave and my son got to say hello. We stayed for about 10 minutes before leaving to come

home again.

It was a bit pointless, but I might as well jump through the hoops. Its better to take it slowly with my son so

that he feels more secure with the return. Its just a shame its so much hard work.

Then the government announced that their plans to have the other primary kids back into school before

summer is “unlikely”. Headteachers have to use their discretion to allow more kids into the school - so the

bottom line is that my daughter will not be back in school before the summer holidays.

She burst into tears when I told her and curled up in a ball on the couch, refusing to move for the rest of the

day.

It was horrid. I hid in the bathroom and cried too.

I’m not sure how other people are really feeling about this, but I feel awful. When I’m tired, I’m more

sensitive anyway, but this has been too much to handle today. Reading headlines like “lost generation” just

made me feel like the government has basically just given up on people like us. We are not cared about; no

one is actually cared about and we are just expected to carry on.

Today I had suicidal thoughts. It took a lot for me to motivate myself to snap out of my depression. If it

wasn’t for the kids, I would have seriously lost the plot today. I’ve been in situations where I have been

trapped a few times and the news today really sparked some memories off for me. This lockdown is not

doing me any good whatsoever.

Wednesday 10th June 2020 Day 80: Progress

My husband took today off to help me out with the kids. I have not slept properly for a while because I keep

waking up with anxiety attacks.

This morning I asked my son to use the toilet again and he told me that he didn’t love me anymore and that

he wanted to run away. He’s decided that he doesn’t like the toilet so he does a wee wherever he feels like

and poos are “wild”. He’ll just hide behind the couch, shed or a chair. It’s really annoying, never mind smelly

and tiring from all the cleaning.

It is one of the reasons I need him to go back into school; I’m hoping seeing the other kids using the toilet

may help him realise why we use toilets.

It doesn’t help that teachers in the school are so difficult about this toileting problem. I do understand from a

hygiene perspective that they don’t want to help him, but they are very unsympathetic about the problem.

They even sent some school rules that my son has to follow in school, one of which is that he has to tell

them when he needs to do a wee. They know that he won’t tell them, so they might use that to refuse him

access to the school.

Before lockdown, schools had a legal obligation to help children with their toileting issues. Now, I don’t

know what the rules are. And the school has put on their list of rules that all returning kids have to tell

teachers when they need the toilet.

It is basically prejudice against SEND kids with toileting issues. Even though my son is entitled to an

education from a number of angles - one parent is a key worker, he has additional needs and could be

considered vulnerable - the school’s toileting policy means that they have decided he isn’t entitled to an

education simply because he has communication difficulties about his toileting.

So I have choice: either he doesn’t go in and I potentially loose my mind or I put him in nappies and he

regresses.

Fun times.

But, there was some progress today. We have moved from standing outside the gates, to actually

being allowed onto the playground.

Before we went in, my son was very nervous about it; but once his friends included him in their games, he

was really happy. They didn’t do any social distancing (they are 5 years old!) but it was good to see them

playing. My son really needs the time with other children; I think it will do him the world of good. Tomorrow

he will be in for playtime and for an hour after lunch break. The school isn’t open on Friday.

Whilst my son and I were in the playground, my daughter had her Maths tutorial. We are having to pay a lot

for her to have these lessons (money we don’t really have), but they are needed because she does

struggle with her Maths. I also want her to have some other teaching interactions - there is only so much

she will allow me to help her with. Plus I don’t want her to be one of the “lost generation”. She has been

making progress, so I think it is worth it. I just wish we weren’t in this situation where we need extra tuition

for her, but life throws curve balls at us sometimes and we just have to be responsive.

I’ve been feeling very low again today. I feel like I have an itch inside my brain and I want to have a break

from all of this; it feels never ending.

I know this feeling will pass, that it is just a phase I’m going through at the moment, but I hate feeling like

this. It makes it so much harder to do anything and everything just seems to make me feel tired. I just feel

exhausted all the time and like my mind is jumping around too much.

Summer Schools?

Thursday 11th July 2020 Day 81: Back to school

So today we began with a bit of Maths and English; my son struggled to engage with anything, but my

daughter was more focused.

My daughter is doing fractions (still!) - she is finally getting somewhere with it, but it is slow progress.

Despite her insistence that she “knows Maths” and apparently “doesn’t need any more”, she has a blind

spot for fractions!

I don’t have as many issues with English, but she does prefer her learning to be on her terms. So, I do

something that she needs to do for the first 30 minutes, followed by something that she wants to do. At the

moment she is writing her third comic book entitled “Mer-cat”, which is about a mermaid cat. I don’t always

understand what she writes about, but it is her way of expressing herself and she enjoys it, so I try not to

interfere.

On the positive, my son’s school allowed him to come back in for a bit longer today. We had planned for me

to go into the playground with him for a bit before we tried to get him into the classroom. However, I didn’t

need to stress as much because my son was definitely ready to go into school today! When we got to the

playground, he ran in and said hello to the other pupils, without so much as a look at me! Although that did

pull at my heartstrings, it was a really positive outcome. He seemed genuinely excited about school!

He stayed for the whole of lunch break and for an hour afterwards. Apparently, he followed all instructions

and sat at his desk, did some work, without any issues. To be honest, after seeing the photo of the

classroom, I actually think that he will prefer the current set up! The class is smaller (only 7 pupils in

his “hub”) and there is less nonsense all over the walls. Before lockdown I had requested that the teacher

put less on the walls, but they wanted to leave it up because the other kids liked looking at it. Even as an

adult, I found the environment too over-stimulating, so I thought it was affecting my child’s concentration.

However, now that the classroom has to be “wipe-clean”, it is a much nicer space to me - and I’m sure my

son feels the same!

When I picked him up, he ran out and gave me a massive hug. He seemed really happy and it was lovely to

see. When I asked how his day went - he replied “was really cool”. He didn’t tell me about any of the

activities that they did, but he was in a really good mood for the rest of the evening.

The school is closed to all pupils except key worker children tomorrow so that the staff can do a “deep

clean” once a week. My son will go back into school for a few more hours next week, but it will be a very

gradual increase to ensure he settles okay. I think he’ll be in for a maximum of 3 -4 hours each day, but

we’ll see what happens. He’s only got 5 weeks left of this term - it’s not long enough to do anything major,

but he does need to go in so that he doesn’t forget what school is!!!

When you think about it from a child’s perspective, this lockdown has been a massive length of time in their

short lives. To be fair, its been a pretty long time for adults too, but it will feel longer to kids. Really, they all

need to go back to school, but it is completely impractical with the current hygiene regulations.

It is a very strange education system at the moment; small classes, reduced lessons, new hygiene rules

and “hubs” for teachers / pupils, who aren’t allowed to mix with the other “hubs”. The teachers have to be

very creative with those pupils that are in the classroom and also need to provide online materials for those

staying at home. Teachers now have to be councilors as well as educators, cleaners, classroom designers

and online gurus.

The “hub” thing is quite interesting: each group has a set number of children in it. The government has

recommended 15 children per “hub”, but with 2m between each child, it will be pretty tough for most

schools to accommodate those numbers. In my son’s school, there is a maximum of 8 kids per “hub”, but

luckily not all parents are sending their kids into school. If all reception, year 1, year 6, SEND and key

worker children went back, I don’t think there would actually be enough rooms for them all!

The government has announced that they want to have Summer schools for all children to have access to

an education and “catch-up” over the 6 weeks.

In my opinion, it might have been possible to set that up, had the government actually planned for it a few

weeks ago. But most teachers are now exhausted; they are being asked to re-do all of their teaching which

requires a lot of planning. Plus, they have to adjust their teaching daily because the government guidelines

are changing daily. If Whitehall had actually done some proper long term planning, listened to the experts

and the teachers’ unions who were saying for weeks that it was impossible to get all kids into classrooms

before Summer, then teachers could have planned for it. But now …

I seriously doubt many teachers will want to teach over Summer. They need a break from trying to adhere

to the constantly changing rules. Particularly rules that have been designed by people who have never set

foot in a classroom or seem to understand what children are like or what they need.

Furthermore, in a classroom, teachers can use lots of different resources, be responsive to the

pupils’ needs … now, it is a very different set of circumstances. Granted, putting a few worksheets online

isn’t that stressful (particularly if those resources have already been provided for a group of schools), but

now that more kids are back in school, teachers are being pushed to their limits. Their jobs have doubled,

requiring different or new ways of thinking more creativity and altered lesson planning. It is not an easy

task.

So, if the schools do reopen for Summer schools, they are going to need to seriously think about how to do

it. One suggestion was to bring retired teachers back into the classroom; but I don’t know if that would

work. The kids returning to school will not have had any formal education for about 3 months by the time

the Summer holidays hit - they will need a familiar face. They will need to know that they are cared about.

There could be a lot of behavioural issues, underlying stresses, even children who have suffered abuse

over this time. It won’t be a “catch up” on lost learning, but rather a re-adjustment back to school life, with

an underlying counselling element underpinning activities.

So, if retired teachers are to go back, they will have to have additional training. Never mind all the

usual “hoop” jumping, including the child protection paperwork (which can take up to 6 weeks to come

through).

I am sure the retired doctors who returned to the NHS had similar issues, but they didn’t have the same

practical considerations, such as how to conduct assessments and having a location to work in! We can’t

just “open the doors” to schools; there are lots of safety issues to consider and a member of current school

staff, along with all the “background staff” such as caretakers, cleaners, cooks etc. will need to be there to

assist. The staff might not be prepared to do that.

The actual act of teaching will also have changed. Children will come into the classroom having been

taught differently, perhaps not at all, over the lockdown. They will come in with different skills and a great

deal of forgotten learning. Some pupils will be the diligent types, who sit at desks and listen, but not all of

them. Even in a smaller class, with only 15 pupils, you can face serious difficulties - and that is when you

know the groups! To throw a retired teacher at a group of disgruntled, disengaged children (particularly

teenagers), is not going to help their education in any way. They will possibly resent it, not see the point

(particularly since this year’s exams were graded according to predicted grades rather than exams) and

genuinely not want to be there. Yet those are the pupils who really need the school structure, who would

most need the catch up time …

Well, all pupils need to catch up now. And need support. It is a horrid set of circumstances. I just wish the

government had actually listened to experts in the field a few weeks ago - things could have been planned

properly. But now, if anything gets done, it will be a rush and probably not fit for purpose.

However, from a personal perspective, if I was asked, I think I would go back into the classroom at this

time. Yes it would be crazy, weird and completely unlike anything I have done before - but I think I would

like that sort of challenge. And if there are enough ex-teachers out there who are like me then maybe we

can do something to help all those kids out there who need to go back to school. Granted I haven’t been a

full-time teacher for a number of years, but I would be prepared to help out because it is something that I

see as a duty. The education system is buckling under the pressure, but I know that I can help - even if it is

a small role, I want to do something. Like doctors, teachers have specialist training and, even if we aren’t

completely up to date, we are capable of helping, should the need arise.

And the need is definitely there!

I don’t know if that will happen, I do have to think about how I would look after my own kids - but, at the end

of the day, given how messed up the education system has become, we all need to do our part to help.

Friday 12th June 2020 Day 82: Guilt over school return

The classroom rules for Reception children at my kids’ school:

Bee Hub Rules

• I will stay 2 metres away from others

• I will regularly wash my hands during the day

for 20 seconds

• I will tell an adult if I feel unwell

• I will not bring things into school from home,

or take things home from school

• I will only use the equipment given to me and

not share with other children

• I will not mix with children in a different hub in

school

• I will ask an adult when I need to use the

toilet, so they can help keep me safe

• I will use the catch it-bin it-kill it rules

(coughing and sneezing into my elbow or a

tissue)

• I will follow the rules at all times to keep

myself and others safe

• I know that if I deliberately don’t follow the rules I will be sent home and will not be able to

come back into school until I can be safe

These are the 10 rules my 5 year old ASD son has to adhere to when he goes back for more hours next

week. Although I think most of these rules are fine, the toilet one does worry me because my son is not fully

toilet-trained yet. When stressed, anxious or over-whelmed he will just wee or poo anywhere - it isn’t really

purposeful, but it can appear deliberate to those who aren’t aware of his difficulties.

So, despite my son being out of nappies for over 11 weeks, the headteacher has sent me an email

requesting that he be put back in nappies because they don’t want him to have an accident in school. I will

also have to go into school to change him.

This situation has really upset me and I honestly don’t know what to do. The advice isn’t very clear; I do

understand that these are unique times and the hygiene rules have to be very strict, but it won’t do my son

any good being put back in nappies. Before lockdown, the school was legally obliged to help him and I had

to put in a complaint because they left him in the same nappy for an entire school day (it was dangling

down his leg, filled with wee and poo). But now, if I want my son to be in school, I have to force him to wear

nappies again.

However, if he doesn’t go back into school, his behaviour will get worse and I will struggle more and more.

As much as I wish I could push myself more, having a child with ASD is extremely tiring - I have been a full-

time teacher, mum, cleaner and playmate for ages. I need just a bit of time where I don’t have to constantly

worry about him, so that I can cope with the next hard slog of the 6 week summer holidays.

Not that it will be much time off because I still have to look after my 9 year old daughter full-time and will

have my son with me for most of the days anyway. He was off school today: it is “deep clean” day. He

really won’t be in much over the next 5 weeks.

But I do need a bit of help. As horrid as it sounds, I just need him to be in school for a bit, just so I can

cope. It all got too much for me the past few weeks, I felt suicidal at one point. Now I feel incredibly guilty,

but I had to do something to ensure that I can deal with all of this.

And if that means my son going into school for a few hours every week in a nappy, then that is what I will

have to do. I don’t want my mental health to get any worse, I need to stabilise, and this is the only way I can

do that safely, without risking my parent’s health. It is just a horrid situation at the moment.

Saturday 13th June 2020 Day 83: Relaxing day

Today has been a very relaxing day for us. We have done a bit of playing in the garden and watching TV.

I think we all just needed to rest a bit!

However, other people around the country have been going out on mass though to protest against racism.

A group called Black Lives Matter have been organising a lot of protests after a black man was killed by a

policeman in the USA; although most of the protests have been over there, we have had some in the UK

too. Today’s big protests was in London, but the police asked people not to go because a lot of other

groups (including the far-right and football hooligans) were also going to be there and it could have caused

riots, fights and so on.

Although I’m only 37, I feel a bit old for protesting now! I did do a bit when I was younger; I attended

the protests against the Iraq War when I was in Edinburgh (at university) and also some protests

against the Israel-Lebanon war when I got back from Lebanon. But now I feel that a lot of these protests

are just ways for people to blow off steam. A lot of the causes are important, but there is always a

contingency who take the message a bit too far and spoil it for everyone else.

Plus, now I have kids, I have to put their needs and their lives first. As much as I might care about an issue,

my priorities have changed and the kids are the most important things to me in this world.

When my son was younger, I was a bit more selfish and did try to do the high-powered job whilst being a

mum (my husband was the stay-at-home dad), but it just didn’t suit me. I didn’t like myself, I didn’t like

letting the kids down or the guilt of leaving them so that I could work. Then, when my son got his diagnosis

of autism spectrum disorder, I couldn’t take the pressure anymore and asked my husband to swap roles.

It has been a tough few years; we lost pretty much everything and had to ask my parents for help (and a

house), but my husband has now got a decent job and set up his own business. When my son went into

Reception, I decided to try and get a small part-time job, just to keep me busy and to get a little extra

money in for the family. Sadly, I haven’t been able to work since lockdown began, but I have at least been

able to use my teaching skills to teach my kids.

I just never feel like I’ve done enough. I feel like I let them down and that I have to do everything I can to

make it up to them.

That’s probably why I am so upset that I got so overwhelmed by my son and had to make the tough

decision to ask the school to take him back for a few days. I feel awful about it. But I know it needs to be

done; I need to be better in my head to look after him properly. And it is only for a short time.

Sunday 14th June 2020 Day 84: My Mum’s Birthday

We went to my Mum’s house for her birthday. We bought my parents (and ourselves) a McDonalds meal

and had a picnic in the garden. It was so lovely to see my parents again and although we couldn’t hug, or

get that close, it was nice to just be able to spend that time together. Odd that the first meal we have

together is a McDonalds - but it’s about as good as it gets at the moment!

I also made a start on next week’s lessons, which seems like a bit of a chore at the

moment. Unfortunately my free Twinkl account has now finished, which makes life a lot harder! I have lived

off Twinkl for most of this lockdown - it is a fantastic online resource for teachers, with lots of lesson ideas

and was free for 3 months. After getting a bit stressed about it, my husband offered to get it for me for a few

months whilst lockdown is still on, because it really will help me with the teaching.

The rest of the day was really nice; the kids were so happy to have seen my parents! Although they still

can’t hug them, it was just nice to be able to speak to them in person - it just isn’t the same over the

Internet.

Monday 15th June 2020 Day 85: Home School Bubble

Despite my son being in school and my daughter staying at home today, I am feeling insanely tired this

evening.

However, it has been a busy day – perhaps even busier than normal - so that could be why I’m feeling so

wiped out!

There was a bit of preparation before my son went into school; we had to make sure he had clean clothes,

a bottle of water and washed his hands before he went in! I also had to ensure that he was covered in

suntan lotion. Although it was a really hot, sunny, day, the teachers can’t / won’t put any extra lotion onto

the children due to the 2m restriction. So, basically my child won’t catch the “bug” off the teachers, but is

allowed to get sun burnt or skin cancer … hummmm ….

It does feel very strange arriving at school on our own. There were no other parents with pupils walking in;

no little chats with the other parents to see how things were going. The kids all have to go into school at

their set times: they are allocated a 10 minute slot and are picked up by a teacher at their specific entrance.

My son goes in via the playground gate, but the key worker kids go in at the main entrance.

When he arrived, the headteacher was there with her apron and plastic gloves on, armed with a

disinfectant spray. I had to put Andy’s bag and water bottle on a metal shelving unit, which she then

sprayed before the teacher picked it up and took it into the classroom.

My son then got reminded of the 2m distancing rule before walking himself into the classroom. I was

impressed he went in as quickly as he did! He seems to have got the rules quite quickly - and, dare I say it,

I think he actually likes this new regime!

I then went home with my daughter, ready for her day in the classroom.

However, I didn’t teach her on her own. One of my friends has been having a lot of difficulties with her son,

who is an only child, so he came over for the morning lessons. He is also in year 4, so the kids are a bit

more evenly matched in terms of learning activities. However, he has had very little social interaction with

children his own age during the lockdown, so he struggled a bit more adjusting to classroom environment.

We decided to include him into our home “bubble” because his mum is one of my closest friends and all the

kids need to be socialising more. It isn’t good for their mental health to be so isolated from kids their own

age and online interactions just aren’t the same.

I did full lesson planning for the two kids today because I just didn’t know what state my friend’s son would

be in when he got here. And I am very glad I did because he really needed the structure! I chose a topic

from his school curriculum - tooth decay - and did everything in bitesized chunks, with a little writing or

drawing and physical objects. I even hard-boiled some eggs - the shells represent the enamel on teeth and

you can do a scientific experiment by leaving the eggs in different liquids over a week and observing what

happens.

At one point, he did go a bit silly and started laughing uncontrollably. It was unusual behaviour, so I gave

him a few minutes to calm down before putting on my “teacher voice” (a very calm, deeper, slow tone) to

tell him to concentrate. Given the behavioural issues he was exhibiting, I wasn’t sure if it would work on him

- but it did! I was so chuffed! From that moment, he started sitting upright in his chair, putting his hand up to

ask or answer questions … it was like a transformation!

The 2 hours I taught them was lovely - even though the topic itself was a bit dull, I really enjoyed teaching

them both. However, I have only offered to do it for 2 hours once a week; I think any more will tire me out

too much. The whole point of my son being in school is to give me a bit of time to sort my head out, so I

need to make sure I don’t just take another project whilst he is away! My friend’s son did fill the void where

my own son should be, but I can’t just fill my guilt with more activities that wear me out!

At least tomorrow I just have my daughter and can take it a lot easier. I think I need that!!

Tuesday 16th June 2020 Day 86: Focus on the kids

Whilst my son was in school today, from 9.40am - 2.40pm, I taught my daughter. It was so lovely to

reengage with her on a one-to-one basis; I have really missed that.

We began with a bit of Maths, before moving onto History / English. The English work for this week is non-

fiction, with a diary entry and an interview. My daughter has decided that she wants to use this opportunity

to conduct a phone interview with my Grandma; to ask her about the war. My Grandma has an unusual

story because she was born in Poland, sent to a Russian concentration camp in Siberia at the beginning of

the war, before being sent by train to India, followed by boat to Africa and finally arriving in Britain. It is

amazing that she has lived so long, particularly considering she lived off grass for months at a time when

she was young.

I still haven’t been able to go and see her; she is too high risk so it is safer for us to keep our distance at the

moment. She also does not get new technology, so we can’t FaceTime - all out conversations are via

phone, which makes me miss her more!

I was really happy that she agreed to be interviewed by my daughter though - it will be really good for her to

know my grandma’s story, to appreciate that the horrors of war were real and that they happened to real

people. This may be the last opportunity my daughter gets to hear about it and it is really important that we

do not forget the life stories from that generation.

When I picked my son up from school, he was in a really happy mood. He seemed to have a good day; I’m

not sure how much work he did, or even if he did anything at school, but that doesn’t matter. As long as he

comes back feeling a bit more like himself and being a bit calmer, that is all I need at the moment. I feel so

guilty about sending him into school, but when he comes home in a good mood, that makes me feel so

much better!

I have been reading today about other people’s experiences with the education system during lockdown. It

was shocking to read that some private schools have basically set up an entire day of online lessons for

their pupils - from 9am until whenever they finish (usually later than mainstream schools), with only an hour

or so break. The volume of education those children are receiving is insanely different to those in

mainstream schools; it is going to create an even wider gap in society, which is completely unfair. Although

I don’t think it’s great for the private school kids to be staring at a computer screen all day, that style of

learning is preference by the current education system so they’ll get the grades, highest paid jobs and so

on. It’s really horrid that social mobility is going to be stifled by this “bug”; society is going to struggle

without those people in high positions. Just look what’s happening in politics at the moment - all the MPs

are pretty much from private school backgrounds, so most have no concept of what it is like to really

struggle with poverty, depravation or hardship. This has resulted in a disconnect between the ruling classes

and the rest of society. We need the voices from other classes, other social groups, to provide different

insights and views on how things can be done.

But I digress.

I need to focus on the positives and today was a really lovely day with my daughter.

Wednesday 18th June 2020 Day 87: Interview

My husband was at home today and did the morning routine with my son, so that I could concentrate on my

daughter’s learning for the day.

Her focus in English is on non-fiction so we have started reading the Diary of Anne Frank. I bought the

abridged version for kids because I think the full diary would be a bit much for her. She is really getting a lot

from the diary,

My daughter also interviewed my Polish Grandma (called Babcia) today. She’s about 90 years old, so is a

little hard of hearing, but still very mentally capable. Although she has recently had a few memory lapses on

recent events and has forgotten to turn off the cooker a few times, overall she is still really with it. A very

impressive woman.

Her story is quite complicated, so I helped my daughter design the questionnaire, typed it up for her and

printed it off before the interview. I included a lot of my daughter’s questions, but there were a few too many

closed questions (such as “did you go to school?”) so I added a few open-ended questions to help with the

discussion.

We began by asking the basics, such as name and age, before moving onto what her life was like in

Poland before the war. Sadly, she doesn’t remember a great deal, but she was only 8 when the Russians

invaded East Poland, so it is understandable.

She told my daughter about how the Russians came at 2am in the morning, how she ran out of the house

in her nightgown and got caught by the troops. She was put onto a train with her family and many

thousands of other Polish people. With no food and only rainwater to drink, lots of people died on the

journey to the Siberian camp.

Once they got there, life was hard. Her parents and older siblings were forced to work, whilst she stayed in

the camp, waiting in line for a piece of bread. Sometimes she would go days without food because adults

would push her and her younger brother out of the food line. Her parents would collect berries and other

food from the forest, but she would occasionally have to resort to just eating grass or soil, just so she felt

like she had eaten something. The lack of food also meant lack of energy, so she wouldn’t play with anyone

or do much during the day.

She also only wore a dress, no pants, and broken shoes. In the ramshackle sheds that made for shelter,

everyone would sleep together to keep warm - there were few blankets, no pillows and she slept on the

floor.

When Russia was invaded by Germany, and switched to the Allied side, the people in the camps were set

free. But with no transport to take them back to Poland, they had to walk from Siberia to their homes. They

had no food or water, no real clothes and no energy and my Grandma has no idea how they survived the

journey.

Once she got to Poland, her parents and older siblings joined the army. However, she was too young and

went to a children’s home instead. Whilst in the children’s home, an Indian Maharaja (I’m not sure if it was a

real Maharaja or just a rich person) took pity on about 100 children and put them on a train to India. Along

the way some of the children died and they had to push the dead bodies out of the train.

In India, she lived in a “palace” (again, I have no idea what it was, but it probably seemed like a palace after

the life my Grandma had experienced in Russia). She received food and water, but was quite ill for a while.

When she got better, she joined the group dance and they would put performances on for the palace

guests.

The conversation got a bit hazy then, but from what we could understand, the war ended and her father

asked the Red Cross to help find his children. Once they located her, she (and her siblings) were taken to

Africa to be with him. From Africa, she was transported by boat to the UK and finally ended up in

Nottingham, living in a house with one of her sisters, mother and father. Her older brother died in the war

and her younger brother died after the war from cancer.

We finished the conversation with some happier questions about her life in the UK; she loved talking about

my Grandad (called Dziadzia), who she fell in love with at first sight. He went through an insanely difficult

time during the war too; when Germany invaded, he lived near Warsaw and became part of the Polish

resistance. He was later captured by the Russians, put in a labour camp, before being released when the

Russians joined the Allied forces. He then travelled with Polish troops to the Middle East (I think he was in

Jerusalem at one stage) and fought alongside the Desert Rats. I do remember he used to talk about a bear

in the Polish forces, which I thought was a bit crazy - apparently though, it was true! He then went to Italy

and fought in one of the bloodiest battles of the war in Monte Cassino. He was shot, but somehow survived

and ended up in the UK after the war.

When my grandparents married, they had very little money and lived with my Grandad’s parents for a while.

My Grandad ended up working for a chemical firm and my Grandma worked as a seamstress for a

big clothings firm. Eventually, they bought their own house and lived a long happy life together.

My Grandad sadly died a few months after my son was born, but he did get to meet my son before he

passed away.

My Grandma ended the conversation by saying how grateful she was to live in the UK. She said that she

was upset by the recent riots because this country is amazing; it might have some faults but they are

nothing in comparison to what life is like in other countries. She hoped that people would settle soon

because peace is so much better than war.

I love her so much.

*******

I am really glad my daughter got the opportunity to interview my Grandma. The only thing that I wish I could

have done differently was interview her face-to-face; the landline phone was a bit crackly at times.

However, my Grandma has never wanted a computer or IPhone, so we just had to use what we had! I did

record the conversation and actually, I think that just listening to the words helped my daughter to

concentrate on what my Grandma was telling her. I have been fortunate to hear some of the stories as I

was growing up, but it was good for my daughter to also hear them and to know that these things happened

to real people.

However, both my daughter and I felt a bit tired after the conversation; it was emotionally draining. I got my

Mum to call my Grandma later on, just to check she was okay too.

She told my mum that although the conversation was tiring, she was really glad she could do something to

connect with the family and help my daughter. She has felt quite lonely during the lockdown, but the chat

made her feel useful. She was very impressed at how well my daughter listened to the stories and said that

she thought was very mature.

I was very impressed with my daughter too. That was the first time she had really heard what happened to

my Grandma and she listened very well and showed her respect.

Sometimes the best lessons aren’t the ones we design, but through the stories that we hear. And I think

my Grandma’s story will be one that my daughter never forgets.

Thursday 18th June 2020 Day 88: Disinfectant

My son was in for a “bonus” half day today, so we took him in at his usual time - 9.40am. It was raining a

bit, so jackets were on and rainbow umbrella up!

When we got to the school gate, I gave my son a hug and sent him on his way. As he approached the head

teacher, she was armed with her disinfectant, ready to spray. He put his bottle on the movable metal

shelves, which was diligently sprayed … then the headteacher turned the spray onto my son and sprayed

him from head to toe.

My son was actually sprayed with disinfectant.

I nervously laughed because I couldn’t believe she had done that, but inside I was fuming. My son has ASD

and sensitive skin; spraying him (or any child for that matter) with disinfectant is horrid. I would not like to

be sprayed without my permission and I’m pretty sure that the headteacher would like it either - so why did

she feel it necessary to spray him?!

It really upset me.

I am on a group chat with some of the other mums from school and asked if anyone else had experienced

it. Two parents replied that their kids had also been sprayed; another parent said she hadn’t seen anything

but thought they were only meant to spray shoes and anything on the metal shelves, like water bottles or

coats.

Maybe it upset me more than it should have done, but it felt like my son had been assaulted in front of my

eyes.

However, I do have a history of problems with that particular teacher, so I could just feel more sensitive

about the situation than other people may have felt. In one meeting, we had discussed my son’s poor

sleeping habits and she told me that sleeping pills were okay to give to children and I shouldn’t worry if I

overdose him.

So really spraying my child with disinfectant, which is basically a Trump-inspired error and poisonous to

humans, is hardly surprising!

I asked a few of the other mums if the same had happened to their kids: apparently it was only my son and

another boy in the class with ASD-type problems. That made me even more cross.

In the afternoon I did contact the school governors to put in a complaint; they responded saying that she

was just “a bit over-enthusiastic” and “it won’t happen again”.

Honestly, I don’t know how many safeguarding breaches this headteacher needs to commit before she is

fired, but it is insane that she still works there! If that had been me, I would have been fired on the spot!

Hopefully no harm was done this time and I nipped the stupidity in the bud quite quickly, but I still feel like

my son was violated. It is just disgraceful that any teacher would do that to a child, even during a pandemic!

I really think that the “over-enthusiastic” excuse was pretty poor.

But what can I do? I’ve complained many times over safeguarding issues I’ve encountered and the

governors have still not removed the headteacher, and with this “bug” in play, I highly doubt they’re going to

do anything soon.

I really don’t get how some people can just get away with such nonsense.

Friday 19th June 2020 Day 89: Feel low again

I have felt too depressed to do anything today. I thought a night’s sleep would calm me down, but I still feel

like my son was mistreated by his headteacher.

Trouble is that I’m not sleeping properly, which in turn is making me more sensitive to things.

I just keep thinking about how horrid it was to see my son treated that way. I think I worry that the

headmistress did it on purpose due to the history. We have not had a particularly positive relationship

because I have felt that a lot of her comments about my son have been unnecessary. When he first got to

the school, she told me that I needed to toilet train him quickly so that he would “fit in”. He needed to

be “like all the other children”.

What she seemed to misunderstand was that I didn’t want him to go into school in a nappy. We did so

much toilet training with the nursery, a good few months, but he just wouldn’t tell anyone when he needed

to go, so he had lots of accidents. It was a joint decision with the staff that my son needed to go into school

in nappies because he just wasn’t ready.

It is very common for autistic kids to have issues with toileting. I wish my son didn’t have this problem, but

he does and it is going to take time to train him.

Anyway, due to this problem, I was called into school to change his nappy and could not work for most of

his first school term. Luckily, I got some help from the school health service, who advised the school that

they had to change him - it is actually a legal requirement for schools and part of the inclusivity stuff.

However, by the end of the winter term, my son’s teacher quit. Literally walked out.

… And the headteacher told me that it was my fault for forcing the teacher to change my son’s nappy.

After the winter holiday, his class got a new teacher, so I organised a meeting with her and the headteacher

(who is also the SEND coordinator) to discuss my son’s additional needs. As much as I tried to focus on my

son’s academic ability, the headteacher moved on his health issues - in particular the toilet issue. She

stated that it was my fault that he wasn’t toilet trained and that if he could use the toilet, he wouldn’t have

the ASD diagnosis. In fact, she wasn’t sure he had that at all and thought he was just a bit slow.

I do feel like his condition is my fault. I wish I had an easier pregnancy, handled the situation differently or

done more to help him when he was younger instead of being selfish and trying to work.

I guess I am still coming to terms with having an autistic son; it is not easy. It is not something I would have

chosen for him, or our family. I have been to hell and back again trying to come to terms with it. I have had

multiple experts confirm the diagnosis because I didn’t want to believe it. If I’m honest, I didn’t want him to

have any diagnosis because I was scared that it would disadvantage him and I was worried about him

getting bullied or excluded.

So being told by a headteacher, an SEND co-ordinator, that she disagreed with his diagnosis, was not an

appropriate thing to say to me. My son has been excluded from before and after school club because

she “doesn’t have the staff to deal with him”; he has been bullied by a few kids; and the headteacher has

now sprayed him with disinfectant. Granted it wasn’t just him, she also sprayed another boy who is on the

spectrum, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better.

I do blame myself for his toileting issues. It is an awful thing for him to struggle with in a mainstream

school. But, I have to just keep reminding myself that all the doctors I’ve talked to and healthcare

professionals have told me that it is just a delay - a bit like his speech (he didn’t start talking until he was 4

years old) and that he will get there eventually.

Anyway, in the meeting with the class teacher and head teacher, the conversation about my son moved

onto his sleeping difficulties. He does sometimes go into school very tired because he’s had night terrors,

hasn’t slept well and so on. However, instead of showing sympathy, the headteacher told me that I needed

to fix the issue by buying melotonin (a drug) off the Internet and give it to my son. I replied that if I decide to

give him any medication, I’d go to a chemist or the doctor. She replied, “oh you don’t need to worry about

overdosing him on melotonin! It’s fine and he’ll actually sleep then!”

I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to say. To me, telling a parent to buy any drug off the Internet is a bad

idea, but to then say that it was okay to overdose a child on that drug … it was awful. Luckily, I was in a

relatively stable mental health state at that time and I didn’t take her “advice” - instead I put in a complaint

to the school governors.

Then lockdown happened.

So the conclusion from the governors was simply to change my son’s SEND co-ordinator to a different

headteacher from one of the associated schools. I agreed with that for the time being because everything

was so crazy when the school reopened that I didn’t think it was right to keeping fighting.

Which means that the headteacher is still there … and still doing things that worry me. She is a

safeguarding hazard; I just hope that she leaves at the end of this term because I really don’t want to have

to engage with her again.

But my son does need to be in school. The social interaction is essential for his well-being. I am not going

to let that woman bully me or my son out of the school. I am going to just keep putting in complaints, leave

a paper trail, and hope to God that something happens soon.

Saturday 20th June 2020 Day 90: Play date

Today we didn’t do much; I don’t want to think anymore about what happened last week. I wanted to be

distracted.

Luckily, we have quite sweet neighbours who we get along with, and they have a really large pool. We have

had a few playdates in their field, but I probably shouldn’t have gone let the kids play in the pool. At this

stage though, I’ve gone past caring about the “bug” and need to look after our mental health.

The neighbours have bought a chlorine filter, so at least once they are in the pool all the germs will be killed

off!

I did feel really anxious about the lack of social distancing between the kids, but us adults were very good

at keeping our distance! Plus we all had showers afterwards, so I think it will be okay. The government

have started lifting a lot of the restrictions now, so it isn’t too bad.

There probably will be a second wave of the “bug” at some point, but I suspect it’ll be closer to winter - we

are all going outside a lot at the moment and the media keeps saying that vitamin D seems to be helping.

In the evening, we just watched a film called Angry Birds 2. The story is pretty rubbish but the music made

it quite enjoyable. We had dinner on our laps, watched a film together and cuddled before bed.

I definitely needed that type of evening.

Sunday 21st June 2020 Day 91: Father’s Day

Had nightmares again last night. This is getting quite annoying now. I might have to go back to the doctors

to ask for sleeping tablets again to readjust my body. When I don’t get enough sleep, I can’t think straight

and things all seem a lot worse than they really are.

On the positive, it was Father’s Day! The kids and I made their father some breakfast (my daughter is

getting very good at making cups of Earl Grey tea), before taking it to him in bed. I had also bought him a

bottle of single malt whiskey and the kids made him a card.

I also took Elizabeth to Hobbycraft - now that it is open! She wanted to buy a sewing kit, to make a toy for

herself. She chose a very pink llama, which she has called Taffida. I think she’ll enjoy making it, it does look

very cute!

Not much else to report today. I’m still too tired to concentrate on much.

Monday 22nd June 2020 Day 92: Start of the week

Today started off okay. My son was in a bit of a crazy mood when I dropped him off to school, but at least

he wasn’t squirted with disinfectant this time.

The trouble is, because I’m feeling so tired, I wasn’t very diligent before school and he managed to raid the

chocolate box before I could catch him! So I dread to think what day the teachers had with him -

sometimes it’s just best not to think about it!

I invited my friend and her son over again this morning for a bit of joint learning. I need a bit of company at

the moment and she needs a bit of help with her son, so it was quite nice to have them round. I didn’t

prepare as much this time because they weren’t staying as long - they were only here from 10am - 1pm.

We did a bit of English, before they had a break, then we wrote a character description. It was easy

teaching, but not particularly complex. My friend had not done any of the additional work I had printed off

for her son after last week’s session, so I tried to make it a more concise topic today.

Just before they left, her son had a complete melt down - kicking, screaming, hitting, banging his head into

the floor … it was worse than the melt downs my son has, and my son has been diagnosed with ASD! It

was really upsetting to see. No wonder my friend asked for a bit of help, I had no idea things were so

difficult for her! Her son is an only child and she thinks the lack of socialising has affected his behaviour -

and leaving his friend was just too much for him. Poor little love. Wish I could do more, but I’ve got so much

of my own stuff to deal with and can’t take any more on at the moment.

Once they left, I took my daughter to her Maths tutorial. Maths is one of those subjects I understand and

am quite good at, but I really struggle to teach! I am a much better humanities teacher!

When I picked her up, my daughter was crying and kept saying that she wanted to go home. Her tutor was

a bit worried and asked, “is everything okay? how you getting on?”. Unfortunately, I think I am being too

honest with people about how I am feeling; I don’t think people actually expect an honest response when

they ask! I told her I was exhausted and wasn’t coping great at the moment.

I have managed to get my daughter into school for 2 days this week. I am hoping that stabilisers her a bit.

The trouble is I’m so tired, I am in no state to help her as much as I would like. I need a rest.

Tuesday 23rd June 2020 Day 93: Both kids in school

So today, I had both kids in school.

And you know what I did? Absolutely nothing of consequence. I watched TV, did a bit of quilting, slept for a

few hours … the only time I went out was to go into school to change my son’s nappy and then to pick them

both up at 2.40pm.

I really needed today. I feel a bit better in myself now.

I just wish I could have a few days like this, but my son is only in half day tomorrow because “they don’t

have the staff”. For 3 days a week, there are normally 2 teachers in his classroom, but on Wed and Thurs

there is only 1 teacher. Granted, before lockdown, that 1 teacher was able to cope with my son and another

20 children in the room, but now that there are only 7 kids in the room, apparently that is too many.

Seriously.

Anyway, best not to think about it.

Today was lovely. I had a rest. A well-deserved rest.

Although I do feel a bit guilty about sending them both into school, it was necessary. I shouldn’t feel bad

about it, it was the right thing to do. Not just for me, but also for them.

And when they got home, I got the biggest cuddles ever - which was fantastic.

Wednesday 24th June 2020 Day 94: Hot!

After the kids went to bed last night, I had a lovely Zoom chat with some old school friends. They are all

doing quite well, most are in work or going back to work soon.

I wish that my career wasn’t a complete failure. I have no work to speak about, nothing to aim for anymore.

I can’t get a proper job because I don’t have the childcare support, or money, to allow me to work full days.

When I did work full-time, I ended up burning out because it was all too much for me - then when my son

got his diagnosis, that was the final nail in the coffin for any possible career.

No one wants someone like me. I have too many qualifications to be any use in the business world and too

little experience to get a properly paid job. I thought getting a PhD would actually help me get a job, but

actually its been a set-back - most people don’t think its useful. They want you to have experience in the

field. And now I’m too old to get a decent enough amount of experience to get a proper wage.

No, I have to do things for myself. On my own.

But that’s not easy either. I don’t really have many skills that people actually need. I’m not really good

enough to be a writer, I don’t have the contacts to be an independent researcher … I can’t really be a

teacher because I have to be available for my son at all times in case the school calls. And they do call.

Plus people don’t really like me; they tolerate me, but I am generally disliked. I’m okay with that, I’ve been

bullied and excluded most of my life, but it does make getting a job very difficult.

I just want to restart life and try again. I feel like such a failure.

In a way it was good that my daughter interrupted my conversation with my old school friends, because

discussing their successful, high-powered jobs just made me really depressed.

However, she came in because she was so upset. It was really odd - she had a nice day at school, was

really happy when she got home, and then she woke up with a panic attack. She said that the school was

completely different, she couldn’t play with her friends (they were in the key worker hub, so she wasn’t

allowed to mix with them). She said the work was too difficult and it was all just too much for her.

Poor little thing, I really feel for her. She hasn’t been in school for ages and we are behind with the home

schooling now - I haven’t been as diligent as I was at the start of lockdown, so we’re not doing all the work

sent through by the school.

She cried for well over an hour. I think she had hoped going back to school would have been like it was a

few months ago, but it is a completely different environment now. After a lot of cuddles, I emailed her

teacher to let her know what had happened.

My daughter was back in school today, but due to the lack of sleep, I told her that she could come home at

half day with my son.

Her teacher was very good - sent me an email first thing this morning telling me not to worry, she’ll focus on

the emotional well-being of the kids etc. It was a really nice, caring message. I definitely needed to read

that because I was so worried about my daughter. It’s not like her to cry that much - but maybe it was just a

release of the stress or something.

Plus it can’t be easy for her having a depressed mum at the moment. I do have my ups and downs (my

breakdown was a particularly bad patch for her) but this patch is particularly bad. It was one of the reasons

I wanted her to go into school - so that I could get my head a bit more sorted out before the summer

holidays.

Both kids went into school this morning; and both left at 12.40pm. It was fine, it was what they needed and I

shouldn’t be so selfish. They needed to come home and I need to be there for them. I will be there for them.

I have to be. I have to fight the depression when they are home and try to minimise the impact on them as

much as I can.

When we got back, I decided to email the school governor again about the headteacher’s insistence that

my son only does half-day on Wednesday due to staff shortages. She has also tried to cancel him going in

on Thursdays, apparently in favour of another pupil, but I suspect it was because they didn’t want my son in

school. They can’t be bothered dealing with anything that is outside the “norm”, that requires a bit of extra

work or effort. He isn’t included, he’s tolerated.

Is that all school inclusivity is now? Just teachers pretending to tolerate diversity, when in reality they can’t

be bothered with anything that is too difficult?

I wish I could move him to a different school - but I want to be as close as possible to him so that I can go in

if I am needed. Not that I should be feeling so anxious about him being in school, but I guess that’s what

happens when a headteacher tells you its okay to overdose a child on drugs bought off the Internet.

Plus, would any other school be any better? My son is definitely not bad enough to be in a special

educational needs school, but he does need a bit of extra support. No state schools have the money or

resources to support al their kids and I suspect my son would just be pushed aside wherever he goes

because he won’t help the school achieve the grades that put them high up in league tables. That is also

the reason he wouldn’t probably get a place at a private school; they wouldn’t want to look after him.

I see a bit of myself in him - being rejected by society before his life has even started. I just hope he doesn’t

struggle as much as I have done to get somewhere. I hope he isn’t as badly bullied as I was in school. He

is a really sweet, loving kid, with an amazing sense of humour and moments of serious intelligence.

Luckily, the school governor did get back to me and oddly enough, my son is now allowed in all day

Wednesdays and is also going in on Thursdays. The headteacher emailed to tell me that she

was “following [my] lead”.

Such a lie.

I accepted the extra days, but did forward the headteacher’s original email to the governor with HER

reasons for excluding my son - lack of staff and the needs of another child (probably non-autistic child). I

did not tell her to keep his days reduced. I had to trust that she was timetabling him properly. I only emailed

the school governor because my mum said she thought it was a bit odd that the 1 teacher in on a

Wednesday couldn’t cope on her own with only 7 children (on individual desks), when she was apparently

coping with 25+ kids on her own before lockdown.

However, I do not like people making me think that I’m loosing my marbles. I did remember her original

email correctly and I will not take the blame for her errors. It was not my decision; that was her decision to

exclude my son.

The more I think about it, the angrier I get. Was she just excluding my son because she couldn’t be

bothered with him?

It’s not even as though he is that bad! There are far worse, far more badly behaved, children. I hate my

child being defined by his diagnosis rather than his abilities; that was exactly why I didn’t want him to have

the ASD diagnosis.

Oh well, its done now. I just have to keep trying and keep fighting for my children. No matter how

depressed I feel, I have to keep trying. I have to keep going.

I can do this. I can look after them.

I have to.

Thursday 25th June 2020 Day 95: Feeling hurt

My son went into school today.

I am missing him, but he does need the structure at the moment. Plus it’s only for another few weeks and it

gives me time to be with my daughter, which she definitely needs at the moment. Her emotions are quite

raw, she’s been quite weepy, clingy and her stutter has definitely got worse.

I wish I could help her more; I just don’t know what to do.

I keep reading about resilience and helping kids; I wish my head was in a better state to concentrate on the

words, but they just seem to be skimming my eyeballs and not sinking in. It’s really weird, I love reading,

but I just can’t seem to focus for long at all. Everything has to be in small chunks or I forget / get

distracted.

I suppose that is part of the over-anxiety I’m suffering with at the moment, but it doesn’t help me with

anything!!

On the positive, I did have a very strange thing happen at school today. The headteacher actually changed

my son’s nappy.

Obviously somebody has contacted her - whether it is the school health advisory service I called or the

executive head teacher (there are 3 village schools who all have an executive headteacher overseeing

them). I don’t know who it was, but it seemed to change her behaviour.

Before lockdown, it was a legal requirement to change children’s nappies - to help with any toileting issues

so that they could go to school. However, the headteacher at my son’s school requested that I go in every

day to change him because of the “bug” and hygiene rules. I obliged because I thought it was the polite

thing to do - even though I had to ask a neighbour to look after my daughter when I went into school to

change my son.

I’ve now found out that there has been protocol in place for such an eventuality since the beginning of

lockdown and that the school still has to uphold its legal obligation to change children’s nappies.

I feel like a chump. The headteacher did not tell me that there was the option for her to change my son; she

made it sound like I had to go in to change him otherwise he wouldn’t be allowed into school. That I should

be grateful for them even allowing him in under these circumstances; that they were doing me a favour.

Fair enough that she didn’t want to change him, I get that, but to have presented the situation in the manner

that she did … to take advantage of my desire to help … I just feel like an idiot. I don’t know why I trusted

her, I know that I shouldn’t, but I thought she might have improved over the lockdown.

I’m so stupid for trusting her. I know what she’s like, I know that she’s a liar and prejudiced against SEND

children, but I still thought she might have changed. I wanted to show her kindness and compassion and it

was just thrown back in my face.

I’ll hopefully feel better tomorrow, but right now I feel really angry and hurt. I don’t want to call the school

health service or email the executive head to make sure that my child is treated fairly, but that is what I

have had to do. I don’t want to be on a system somewhere, I hate complaining to a public body, I don’t want

to be on anyone’s radar.

I wish my son would just use the toilet properly so I didn’t have these issues. I feel like I’ve failed him. It

upsets me so much. I don’t want to have to deal with this nonsense.

But my life was never going to be “normal”.

Hopefully these experiences will make me a stronger person, but right now I just feel really hurt.

Friday 26th June 2020 Day 96: Hot

Today has been too hot to do anything.

We have literally sat inside with 3 fans on in the living room, not moving because it’s too hot. I think it’s over

30 degrees celcius.

I can’t really type because the computer is too hot, so that is all I’m going to write for today.

Saturday 27th June 2020 Day 97: Tiredness

I think a combination of the heat and stress has made me feel absolutely shattered today.

There has been some easing on the lockdown restrictions; I think that they are changing the 2m rule to 1m.

But we are still stuck here.

I feel very trapped. This must be what it is like in prison. Well, not exactly what it is like in prison - I imagine

that would be far worse - but there are probably some similarities in terms of what being locked away does

to your head.

This has certainly played havoc with my mental health the past few weeks.

I just need to remember this is temporary; things will not be like this forever. Just take each day at a time. I

can do this. I can get through this.

Sunday 28th June 2020 Day 98: Planning

This morning, we decided to motivate ourselves to get out of the house. We have all been a bit down and

we needed to bring ourselves up a bit.

So, we went for a lovely walk down the canal. We haven’t been for a walk as a family for a little while and I

think we definitely needed to do that. When I’m depressed, I often get lost in my thoughts and forget some

of the techniques to help myself out of it. Sometimes I simply can’t be bothered pushing myself to get out of

the depression, but that is part of the illness - it affects how you deal with things.

But I pushed myself today. I have to get through this and I have to be there for the kids. I am capable of

doing this, I’ve been though so much and I always pick myself up again. I did let this depressive patch get

to me, it has taken over for a while, but I managed to push myself to go for a long walk - so that is definite

progress.

In the afternoon, I decided to try and get back into my teaching planning again. Although both kids are in

school next week (my son from Monday - Thursday and my daughter, Tuesday and Wednesday), I do need

to do some teaching next week.

Tomorrow I will be teaching my daughter and her friend in the morning, so I decided to make a nice

practical science lesson for them. It did help planning and doing something useful for the kids, but I felt

shattered afterwards!

My evening was basically me lying down on the couch watching TV whilst my husband played video

games. I couldn’t concentrate on the show, was too tired.

Monday 29th June 2020 Day 99: Teaching

After we dropped my son off at school, my friend and her son arrived for the morning science lesson.

Luckily her son and my daughter are good friends - and have been since they were born - so we can do

activities together. We have decided to “bubble” on Mondays because we need each other - friends are so

important. The kids definitely need the company, but so do us grown-ups!

My friend sat doing some art inside the Magic School, whilst I did my thing with the kids. It is nice to teach

kids of the same age - although they are different abilities, they do at work well together.

Today we did a lesson on materials and whether they can decompose or not. It ties in with what my

daughter is doing in school - which is about plastics - but wasn’t exactly what the teacher had sent through.

However, to understand why plastic waste is dangerous, the kids do need to understand what materials

can decompose and what happens to plastic in the ground.

So the kids set up with experiment. First, we discussed different materials, then they went around the

garden to see what they could find. They came back with random bits of plastic from broken toys, some

wood, feathers, some pompoms (?!?) and some stones. Then, we put the objects into some mini plant pots

and buried them all in soil. I did add one extra item called water beads - they are for kids to make pictures

with and are like small plastic-type beads. When wet they grow, but can break quite easily. When squashed

between the fingers, they look like dissolve, when in fact they leave trace micro-plastics. So I wanted to put

them into the plant pot as a good discussion point when we uncover the items in next week’s lesson.

Interestingly, the kids thought that the water beads and plastic elastic bands would decompose.

Once the experiment was set up and written up, the kids had a break, followed by a board game that I

found based on recycling. It went quite well, but did need a few tweaks.

After Lunch, my friend and her son left and I was exhausted! Luckily my daughter had her Maths tutorial, so

I did get 30 minutes to myself before I had to pick her up, then pick up my son and then do stuff with them

until bed.

It did feel like a long slog to bed time today!!

Tuesday 30th June 2020 Day 100: That’s 100 days …

It has been 100 days since I started these blog posts. Although I don’t publish many of them online now, it

has been useful to write about what has happened and it has certainly helped me cope with the insanity of

the lockdown.

I began lockdown quite positive and determined. I was very focused on the lessons I could teach. I worked

on my children’s education was my way of coping with what had happened; it was a way of distracting

myself and keeping the kids occupied. I set up the playhouse into Magic School and planned all the lessons

for the day, without any real support from the school or anyone. My husband was categorised as a key

worker due to his position in the logistics and courier industry, so I had to look after the kids on my own.

Although schools were apparently told to allow kids with one or both parents who were key workers, our

local school was very reluctant to do that. In the first month they only allowed 2 children into the key

worker “hub” because both parents were key workers; so people like me were left to fend for ourselves.

In the early days, I was doing okay and I had teaching experience, so could look after the kids on my own.

The lockdown seemed to come as a shock to the school my children attend and we had very little in the

way of learning activities at the beginning. They have definitely improved with their online learning over the

past few weeks, but I still do a lot of my own stuff because both my kids need to have differentiated learning

activities.

I managed to keep going for quite a while; but as time went on, I got gradually more and more exhausted.

To be fair, teachers in school do get more breaks than parents do at home; I had to constantly be around

the kids, no real tea breaks, and I had to do all the timetabling and plan every single lesson. For two

very very different children.

By the time the school’s opened to Reception children, it was hardly surprising that I was suffering from

extreme fatigue. Although I didn’t want to send my son into school, I had to find a way of surviving - and

sending my son to school was one way of dealing with the situation. Sadly, my son needs a lot of additional

support and we have had virtually no help the entire lockdown. I know there are many families in similar

situations (and far worse) so I shouldn’t moan, but it has been insanely exhausting.

In the past two weeks, I also managed to get my daughter into school for 4 days. We were quite lucky in

that regard; most children her age (age 9) have not been able to have these “taster” days. However, she

didn’t do much learning in those 4 days; it was more like a glorified baby-sitting service. On the positive,

sending her in just for those few days has helped me. Just those few days without either of the kids has

helped clear my head.

Granted, I slept for most of the time, but it was definitely required!!!

It is hard to believe that it has been 100 days since this lockdown began properly for us. The country is

slowly reopening, with a few pockets (such as Leicester) being closed due to a localised “bug” outbreak.

They are even opening up air bridges with certain countries (such as France and Spain) so people can go

abroad, go on holiday.

I wish we could do something like that! Sadly, we are literally living hand-to-mouth at the moment. I have

brought in no money at all during lockdown (I could not get furloughed due to my job) and we have really

felt the purse-strings tighten. I had no idea that my earnings helped the family so much. Today, the last day

of June, we have £0 in the bank. We have put no money into any savings the past few months and there is

absolutely no way that we can afford to take the kids anywhere.

I’d love to know who can afford to go on holiday. Although, having said that, I know some people will be

able to do it. I have heard some really annoying stories of people still earning full wages and basically just

logging into their computers first thing in the morning, before doing nothing work-related for the entire day.

One of my friends told me that during work meetings, her husband would mute his side of the conversation

and talk to someone else on his other phone! He basically sits at his desk every now and again, answers a

few emails and does a little work, before doing nothing for the rest of the day.

But, I guess that’s life isn’t it? I work my socks off with the kids and get no money for all my efforts, but

someone who does absolutely nothing, gets paid a fortune for twiddling his thumbs all day.

Anyway, I need to focus on our situation and not think about people like him.

The next few weeks (the massive 6 week summer holidays coming up), are going to be very challenging.

There are no summer holiday camps around here (from what I can find) and the government’s proposal to

have “catch-up” schemes over summer seems to have quietly been dropped. They are going to try and

ensure all the kids can go back to school in September, but I have serious doubts how that will be

accomplished.

We’ll just to wait and see I suppose. For the time being, I just have to get through each day at a time. I have

to keep reminding myself that this situation is temporary. That this will be over at some point. That we will

start being able to save money again and go on holiday with the kids. It will happen.

I just need to get through these next few months. I need to push through and stay strong. Not let the

depression demons take over again.

I need to stay focused on the kids. I need to be there for them at the moment; they need a strong and

supportive mum to help get them through this insanity. So no matter how much I feel like I’m dying inside, I

have to keep putting on that brave face. I have to be there for the kids, because they need me.

I’m starting to repeat myself, but the more I think and write those words, the more I hope they will sink in.

July 2020

This month was very difficult for me and I struggled to do very much! So, this folder is basically filled with

some photos detailing what we’ve been up to - I felt this was the best way of summerising our activities.

Included are photos of the “boat” that my kids built out of crates with the kids from next door. The kids have

become very close during this time and all decided that they wanted to travel to Africa. I didn’t have the

heart to tell them that their boat probably wouldn’t float and they were unlikely to get to Africa on it! They

had so much fun building it and playing on it though!

We also made an assault course around the garden for the kids, based on the game “the floor is lava”,

where you aren’t allowed to touch the floor because it is lava …

My daughter also learnt how to use a sewing machine and sewed her own cushion; we been for lots of

walks around our local area; played at the park; visited Stratford and a nearly car museum …

Although we are stuck at home, we have tried to go out a lot and we have played a LOT.

Saturday 15th August 2020 Day 146: Reluctant acceptance

It has been a funny month or two. It feels like life is just plodding on now and all the random changes or

horrific events are all merging into one… it is a never ending year of absolute craziness and the sooner it

ends, the better!

I think people in general are getting more accepting of the situation. Perhaps because we are going through

the same life experience of a pandemic, we seem to be a bit more forgiving or kind to each other. One thing

that I have noticed as I’ve gone round the shops is how polite the public are being towards each other;

taking a step to the side for an elderly person, being less condescending if a parent is having difficulties

with a child … that sort of thing. It feels like some have reached an inner peace, gone past the initial shock

of it all and reached a type of acceptance of the situation. What will be, will be.

That is not to say that things are all okay now though. We have had some really tough moments throughout

all this. I have heard of some absolute horror stories of abuse, neglect, harm and so on from the UK - and I

suspect we will hear a lot more once all this time fades into the social memory. Then there has also the

Black Lives Matter movement - after the death of a black man at the hands of a police officer in the USA,

people became acutely aware of the continuing existence of underlying prejudices in society. Nothing has

been resolved on that front, but I hope just having people acknowledge and recognise the issue, and at

least attempt to change their behaviour, may be a small step in the right direction.

Plus, on 4th August 2020, there a massive explosion at the port in Beirut, Lebanon, which took out a

massive area and killed hundreds. There are currently mixed stories about initial cause of the explosion

(possible fireworks, accidental fire or maybe terrorists …) and FBI agents have been flown over to help with

the investigation. However, there seems to be a general consensus that government ineptitude resulted in

3,000 tonnes of the dangerous (and highly flammable) compound, ammonium nitrate, to sit in the port,

thereby providing the fire with enough fuel to blow up a large chunk of Beirut. I am unsure if it was

ineptitude or a deliberate oversight, but either way, it will disrupt the country (and possibly the region) for a

long time.

But then international politics is just one of those things that never seems to settle! There’s always some

craziness going on somewhere. The stories that do seem to hit the press these days are all very politically

motivated though - like the time they only discussed the “education” (concentration) camps in China

because we were having diplomatic difficulties with China, before moving onto something else that was

bothering foreign policy makers. Now our government seems to be using UK travelling citizens as pawns in

their negotiations with the EU: they are using the “bug” as a way of forcing travellers to leave their holiday

locations early, thereby demonstrating the economic impact (and importance) UK citizens have in those

countries.

Perhaps I am cynical, but the infection rate seems to low to justify such strong reactions, without there

being something else behind these decisions. But I digress.

Life in our little pocket of the world has also had it’s ups and downs. On a personal level, I have had a rocky

few weeks. I was struggling with childcare and pushing myself far too hard, which resulted in a mini-crash. I

wasn’t sleeping or eating well and was feeling far too anxious. I had to start taking care of myself better and

so had a break from doing anything too stressful and decided to just concentrate on the kids.

However, I haven’t done much in terms of education the past few weeks. I bought a Maths book for my

daughter so she could do a little Maths every morning, but nothing for my son because I found that battle

too tiring. Instead, I downloaded him some education-type apps for the I-Pad and he can choose when he

feels like doing them. I’ve also converted our Magic School back into a playhouse, with a play kitchen and

dining table, which the kids love. I think we all needed time off proper home schooling - I have no doubt we

will probably have to do it again in the next few months, but a break was definitely required!

Now that I am getting back to a more “normal” state, I decided to apply to an education recruitment agency

to try and get a proper teaching job in September. I do love my job at the SEND school, but they are really

struggling to give work to bank staff because they have so many children off, so I can’t rely on that source

of income anymore. I’ve told them I’m always available to them if they need me, but I need to be more

practical.

I am a fully qualified teacher, so I might as well use those skills and try to earn more money. Plus, I am

weirdly excited about the prospect of helping kids with “catch-up”; I want to feel useful and I want to do

something to assist during these difficult times. I don’t know if I will get anything, but I hope I can work

somewhere, even if it is just for a few days. I have an unusually holistic understanding of the education

sector, having worked in a massive range of schools and universities and I have even taught foreign office

staff, so I think that my knowledge could be useful during this time.

But, as with everything in my life, I am not holding my breath - I have been excited about things before and

they’ve gone completely wrong, so I am trying to keep a level head about it! One of the biggest issues will

be childcare - my kids’ school has no morning or after school clubs, so unless I can find someone to help, I

will struggle with working full days. My parents have offered to drop the kids off and pick them up, but if the

country has another partial lockdown (they have discussed making over-50s stay at home), then I will have

no childcare help.

Fingers crossed things are okay for the next few months!!

The kids have been doing okay recently. My son has had a few wobbles and really hates me wearing a

facemask, but is generally okay in himself. My daughter is also getting a bit more settled; she is now writing

her 5th comic book of lockdown and has asked for her own computer so she can type up an actual book.

My husband is looking into getting an old one that he can fix and give her for her 10th birthday (in

September).

My husband is still working like crazy; people still need postage and packaging and his company will keep

selling them as long as people need them! He has a good timetable now, where he goes into work early to

open the warehouse and then comes home by 5.40pm, so that I have another body around to help with the

kids! He also works from home every Wednesday now, which is great for me - just keeps me motivated

and energised to know he’s around if I need him. As much as I love the kids, I do get a bit lonely looking

after them on my own all the time!

So, I guess I have reached a bit of inner peace myself now. Well, more of a reluctant acceptance of the

situation, but at least I’m not struggling as much with my anxiety anymore. I think the opening of more

places has helped, and being able to take the kids to parks has been a god-send! Also seeing more people

has been lovely - we have seen our neighbours quite a bit, and the kids have been a birthday party … it is

amazing how important social interactions are to our well-being. They are so necessary and it has made a

massive difference being able to see my mum and also have friends come over with their children to play in

the garden.

It has been a very strange period, and not one that I would like to repeat! But I have learnt a lot about

myself and the world, and I hope that one day these posts will be read by someone who finds this time

period interesting. My primary aim in publishing these pieces has been to educate people. It has been an

interesting experience for me, and a necessary one that has helped keep me sane, but ultimately I am a

teacher and I hope that someone will learn something from these ramblings one day.

All the best,

Back to school

Saturday 12th September

We have had the first full week back at school after lockdown. It has been an interesting week, with many

ups and downs, but at least the kids are back and that is the most important thing. The house has certainly

been very quiet (and less chaotic!) than it has been in months!

However, my two have both already had a day off due to various feelings of illness. They’ve felt sick, had a

few little coughs and sniffles, but none of the major “bug” symptoms, such as loss of smell or continuous

cough.

Well, they’ve both had a little cough, but its not dry. The school has said that if a child coughs more than 3

times in a day, that means it is “continuous”, so technically my children have “continuous” coughs, but I

think that’s a bit paranoid.

It was always going to be difficult going back to school – the “bug” was going to rear its ugly head again

simply because so many people have begun mingling again. There are huge volumes of children together

in classroom and on transport. Round here, the school bus stops are like mass gatherings of secondary

pupils, all standing within centimetres of each other, with no masks on.

They need to socialise though. The mental health of the children has to come first; lockdown was incredibly

damaging (and in some cases, dangerous) for a lot of kids. They have to go back to school and it is good to

see that their education is being prioritised.

I just hope that cost is not too high. I hope that the bug has mutated and is now less of a threat to human

life.

However, we have started seeing lockdowns again in a few British cities and the number of people allowed

to socialise together is down to six, so who knows what is going to happen.

I think that people in general are worried, but feel that we are just going to have to deal with whatever

happens. We have to have some level of social interaction and life; being stuck at home all the time is not

good for anyone.

On a personal level, I feel quite anxious again. It was nice to have a month or so where we

could socialise more over the summer holidays, that was definitely required, but the thought of going back

into such an isolated state … it just doesn’t bear thinking about. We got through it, but it was tough at times.

Although I had the kids, I felt a bit lonely at times and it made me appreciate our family and friends a lot

more.

I certainly couldn’t go back to not having my parents in our lives; we don’t have a nanny or much family

nearby, so all the childcare was on me over lockdown. And, as much as love my kids, not having any

breaks was challenging. Having my mum help a little with childcare again has been an absolute necessity.

One nice thing that has happened this week was being able to talk to other mums from my kid’s school. It

seems that most were not as strict about family interactions as we have been. Most had various relatives

on hand to help them through the lockdown. Yet, despite that, there have been a lot of wobbles, a few new

alcoholics and certainly a lot of hardship along the way. The families who had bubbles (sometimes very

large bubbles) to keep them sane meant that they occasionally had to bend the rules to survive.

Bending the rules seemed to be a necessity for many. On reflection, I think we probably followed the

lockdown rules too strictly because the lack of social interaction has affected us. The kids will bounce back,

but I think it will take the rest of us a bit longer to recover.

Personally, I find the constant changes to the rules and recommendations to be quite overwhelming. I try

not to discuss it too much in front of the kids because they don’t need to know everything that is going

on – they need to have stability. To be told that today they can play in huge groups outside school, but

when they’re home they can only play in groups of six will just confuse them. To be honest, I find it

confusing too!!

One really difficult thing this week has been my daughter’s anxieties about the “bug”. She is scared about

what will happen to our relatives, when she will see them again (we haven’t seen one set of Grandparents

since February and it is now September).

Then today, when she saw a homeless person on the street, she got really upset and worried for him – she

asked me why hotels were closing their doors on homeless people and what would happen if he caught the

bug. I didn’t know how to respond, so told her to ask him if he was okay. She went over and said hello,

and gave him the remainder of her weekly pocket money, telling him that she hoped it would be enough to

get him a bed for the night. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that 65p wasn’t going to go far, but told her it

was very kind to talk to him and give him a little something. That would probably make his day and help him

feel better. I just hope that he does find some shelter this evening because it is a cold night.

For me, life is going to change a bit next week. Over the summer, I applied for a job with a teaching supply

agency; we need the money, but I have to work in a flexible role for a few months until this “bug” stuff

settles down.

I am a fully qualified teacher, but my experience is quite varied – I trained in State secondary schools, but

have worked in a boarding school, primary, secondary and SEND schools, as well as various other

educational settings and also taught adults. I don’t really have a teaching specialism anymore, but seem to

end up in trouble-shooting roles, where the kids or teachers have had difficulties and so on. I’m not always

sure if I’m the best person for those roles, but I’m quick to pick up things and adapt to situations, which is

probably why I end up there!

Next week I’ve been placed as a teaching assistant (TA) in a post-16 special educational needs

setting – which is something new for me, so that could be interesting. I’m not completely happy about being

a TA again, but I am starting with a new recruiting agency, so I guess I have to jump through all the hoops

again before I’m allowed to actually teach! I do feel that this role may be on “proving ground” – if I can do

this, then I’ve proved myself capable of being a good worker for them.

I think I’m just annoyed that I basically have to start my career again. At the bottom again. I know that a lot

of people have to go through this, but I worked so hard throughout all my degrees and they just doesn’t feel

valued. I was good at research, but the current university hiring system is very challenging. I think 20 years

ago, I may have been able to get academic job, but now the competition is too tough. Plus I can’t just move

my entire family around the world every couple of years just to satisfy my ego. That isn’t fair on them.

So I have to start again. At the bottom.

But, f I think in practical terms, this new challenge will be good for me. My most recent teaching experience

was with my own kids, so I do need to “warm up” my skills again. I like trying new things and gaining

different experiences – and this job will definitely something different and challenging! And, you never

know, maybe I might find a new career somewhere down the line!

It has been tough to pick myself back up again, but I need to try. I need to keep going and see where life

takes me. Fingers crossed I find something that I like along the way!

Last Entry - September

Oh my word. What a month.

This has been one of the most crazy, most bizarre months, I have experienced in a long time.

It has felt like a whirlwind of insanity - I don’t know where to begin!

Perhaps the insanity has arisen due to the post-lockdown desire to combine a normally-functioning society

with crazy social-distancing measures. I think the recent photos of PM Boris Johnson say it all - he looks

absolutely shattered! Mind you, that is hardly surprising given the current situation (and the fact he has a

new-born child), but still, it doesn’t bode well - we haven’t even got into the proper winter months yet and

there is a long way to go before we are out of this storm.

As they say in the TV series Game of Thrones, Winter is Coming.

And anxiety-levels have risen.

We all know that this winter is going to bring a lot of heartache, and all we can do is watch it unfurl around

us.

From university campuses going into lockdown, to cities being closed, workers preparing to work from

home again and some reintroduction of the furlough scheme that so many have already endured for

months …

It feels like society is being pushed to its limits. Not only in terms of economic or social concerns, but also

on a deeply personal level - trying to keep strong whilst the fears of family or friends dying fester in the back

of our minds.

This must have been what it was like during the Spanish Flu a hundred years ago. Makes me wonder how

much the aftermath of that pandemic affected people - how much did that stress and pain contribute to the

war? With all the crazy international politics going on the moment, I seriously hope that this situation

doesn’t contribute to another war. I hope that doesn’t happen this time.

It sadly feels inevitable that some serious outbursts of violence will occur somewhere around the world,

maybe even here in the UK … I just hope society can push through and not go all crazy

afterwards. Sadly keeping sane is not an easy task when the world feels like it crumbling around us.

I have no idea how this is going to look at the end. I’m so glad we have a summer reprieve from full-

lockdown, but I don’t think it will be long before things really start going downhill. Trying to protect people

from the “bug” is causing so many problems and I don’t know how patient people are going to be if their

freedoms are continually restricted.

- - -

Life at home has been interesting for us. The kids are back at school and I have started a new job. My

husband is working all hours again because so many staff are having to work from home (again). Some of

his employees have had to take 2 weeks off due to the fact they are displaying “symptoms” but virtually no-

one can get a test because that is just impossible around here.

Everyone we know who has tried to get the test has struggled; they can’t get test packs sent to their homes

and the nearby drive-through centres are constantly fully-booked, so they have been told to go somewhere

completely random. One was told to travel from the Midlands to Cardiff; another to London … so they just

didn’t bother. When you’re feeling ill, you don’t exactly want to travel half way across the country because

that could make it worse! So they just took a bit of time off to recover, not knowing if they had the

dreaded “bug” or not.

My job has been interesting - I’ve only been there 3 weeks, but I am seriously worried for the education

sector. I’ve been in 2 special needs schools - one post-16 and the other for 5-16 year olds. The older kids

are actually quiet good at wearing masks or visors, but their anxiety levels are extremely high. The younger

kids … they just couldn’t cope with staff wearing masks or keeping their distance or anything like that.

However, their anxiety levels were noticeably higher as well, and the associated behavioural issues were

quite challenging.

Some of the other teachers I have met along the way have told me some crazy stories about working in

mainstream schools. Most have said that the kids were initially happy to go back, but there has been an

undercurrent of discontent … whisperings in corridors, odd behaviours and a sense of undisclosed fear

bubbling under the surface. It is hard to explain, but it is like when kids know there is something going on,

but haven’t been told the full truth and know they haven’t been told everything because adults are trying to

protect them.

Mind you, adults don’t really know what’s going on either, so they can’t fully explain things to the kids

either!

I’m quite glad my two are so young. They’re still in primary school and although they don’t like a lot of the

weird measures in place (particularly not being allowed to hug each other in the playground because

they’re in different “bubbles”), they seem to be handling it okay. It hasn’t all been great, but they are

generally coping with it all.

My daughter was given a phone for her tenth birthday in early September, and being able to text her auntie

has been a lifeline for her. She has been telling her about everything going on in school and her auntie

(who doesn’t have children of her own) has been amazingly supportive. I think having that someone else to

talk to, not just me or my husband, is really helping her get through this.

My son has had a bit more difficulty due to all the changes - but I expected that due to his ASD. Some days

he is fine, but he has occasionally reverted into younger behaviours, such as not speaking for hours,

refusing to look into people’s eyes again, refusing to do anything … then we’ve had days where he’s run

around in circles, speaking in noises or just far too quickly for us to understand. It has been like his brain in

clicking back into place, trying to adjust to all the new stimuli … I really feel for him. But he is doing

amazingly well considering the circumstances and I am just glad he is accepting the return to school. Some

of my friends, who also have ASD kids, have told me absolute horror stories of refusal, dirty protests

with faeces flung around the house, schools not catering to the kids extra needs (despite them being legally

obliged to do so) so the kids staying at home again …

As I wrote that, I realised just how challenging the situation is for so many families. I feel quite blessed that

my two are doing okay. Just hope that we can keep going and get through this in one piece.

Life going into this second wave is going to be interesting … I just need to get through it, stay strong, stay

positive and keep going … for however long it lasts.