Corona Diaries

Victoria

“I speak to friends via technology, we laugh so as not to cry or worry one another, reach out because being

along is not right, trying to keep each other’s mental health up trying to be hopeful not frightened.”

Background Information

Female, aged 65-74, Working in Administration, South Wales Valley’s, White, Married.

March 2020

Monday 16th March

We are home after work, I’m preparing a meal and we have a cup of coffee/tea awaiting a broadcast from

the P.M. Boris Johnson whilst listening to radio 4 for updates on the latest developments. Work has been a

strange sense of foreboding, speculation of the increase in Corona virus cases throughout Europe and

planning for how our working day will carry on if the cases increase here in the UK.

I have a strange sense of impending doom, though I don’t say this out loud. An announcement comes we

stand much as I imagine our parents would have done, waiting with anticipation for news of the Peace talks

that Atlee held with Hitler. That silence that envelopes you when, then as now we are told the news is not

what we wish it to be. That cases have increased in Italy and Spain and that the virus knows no sense of

boundaries it is sweeping the UK, devolved governments and young and old.

Firstly they said it would be an older generation who would be vulnerable ...who are they saying is

vulnerable I wonder ...I will ...was going to celebrate my 64th birthday tomorrow...is that vulnerable?

Underlying health issues are of greater risk, and then ...

Then, its thank god I have no one in this category, I don’t think I could manage loosing anyone again, too

many of my family have passed over the last 15 years, too much time in hospitals and caring my mental

health would not hold up again, I say this to myself knowing if I have to be strong I will, my mother never

gave in, our parents didn’t give in and looked what they faced, we will get through this .

Tuesday 17th St Patrick’s Day

My Beatles birthday I’m calling this one ...’when I’m 64’. The day starts as usual, no thought of much, cards

a few pressies’ and off to work with the cakes and goodies that we will share. As I walk in there are bunting

and banners greeting me, happy birthday singing and nonsense all around ... everyone is at their desks

busily getting organised. After cutting and distributing cakes throughout the dept and my birthday greetings

and nonsense we gather ourselves. Phone clients, update them on how the Dept will work, etc etc ... we

will all be home working from Wednesday... it feels like a bomb has dropped.

We laugh and worry, some are panicky which considering the people I work with and the job they do is

alarming. Black humour (which is what we do, to not get stressed) is in the air, we laugh hysterically. This

will be ok, we got this ... they are all younger, way younger it’s the corner Menopause girls (me being one)

who crack the jokes and keeps the spirits up, pushing the fear down, don’t let them see how this is

frightening you now.

Meetings, computer programmes being quickly shown how to use and what your part will be...I make

coffee, and as I spoon it in my cup, my “I’m usually glamorous but today is my day off “written on it ... I just

wonder...

A feather floats out of a draw...a very Flamingo pink feather... I remember my colleague who loves such

nonsense expressed a longing when she saw it ... in a selfless gesture I pick the pen (yes it’s a pen...)

stand at her desk and her eyes light up... “this is for you to remember me by” cos if this goes pear shaped I

won’t be here, so you get it. If on the other hand I’m ok, we survive the apocalypse I want it back...we laugh

till we cry because we know this might be true.

Wednesday 18th the sunshine is fab.

Today, up showered, keep to a routine they say when home working. Breakfast, walk to work. I take a stroll

up and down the deserted street outside, no one around, this street once full of friends and neighbours,

who had coffee mornings, parties for Royal weddings parties for anything, opening a newspaper opening a

bottle of wine never mind a big occasion is Quiet. They have been in self isolation over the past number of

years in fairness, the neighbourliness has faded, the reason we moved here is sadly gone, new people

younger couples with different interests and no interest in the older people... this is how our society has

diminished.

My work group is in, we catch up and... and it’s just not the same... we text and email and use new systems

and question...but it’s not right. We are social animals; we need to see faces. We arrange to video time

...the hours pass. I log off feeling, well feeling lost What did I do that was useful, where I actually work, I

pop in and out of offices during my day, a quick chat here a laugh there, we sing, we eat together this is my

silly alternative family and I bloody miss them even the ones I would never miss.

Thursday 19th.

I’m losing track of days, no social interaction, I need face to face time, it feels wrong, and the cat has taken

to going for a stroll with me. I have taken to eating my breakfast in the garden, the birds have found the

feeder I put in the tree and are dashing in and out, give me a burst of song (the Robin” Rob, he’s the elder,

Bob is his son...trust me) sings for ages. The Blackbird passes time in the Weeping Birch branches, no

other sounds of cars drifting from the valley below, ambulances roaring alone the main roads or vapour

trails in the sky.

More news from BJ at 5pm, ramping things up from this evening, no travelling other than for groceries or

medicine. No other travel allowed. Cinemas and restaurants and entertainment is to close from this

evening, so many things that are taken for granted are closing ...people are starting to worry about the

impact on their lives including salaries ...He, the Chancellor of the Exchequer says there will be funding put

in place for business, we all have to have jobs to come back too but the impact is ...where what and how

will this work. It all sounds good but are the details worked out on the back of a cigarette packet?

Friday 20th

I try to stay to a routine, up, shower, breakfast log on...

The day is spent doing tasks, not so much for work today but domestic chores, I guess. Deep cleaning the

bathroom and kitchen, prepare food for the meal later, take in the surrounding peace and quiet... Then BJ’s

talk to the nation Stay home/ Save lives/Save the NHS… we know how the services have been run down,

not enough staff, doctors, Nurses, beds, The in-house services not out of house that they rely on, cleaners,

porters, maintenance, all these low paid jobs... all these are becoming essential, we need more. We are

now on lock down the numbers have increased far more than they expected, not enough test kits to check

people anymore, folk dying...

Supermarkets are being overwhelmed every day, panic buying, clearing shelves of everything and no one

taking control if you want 1 or 41 of something. Ridicules, most won’t even know how to cook the food they

have now stockpiled, they don’t cook. It’s a takeaway and eat out society, god help them trying to start from

scratch. It would be interesting to see how much of the food that’s been bought will end up in landfill.

Sat 21st/Sunday 22nd

We spend the glorious day in the garden making up for the months we haven’t been able to get out here in

the awful rain and storms we’ve had. We prune, trim collect the clippings to put on the compost heaps and

sit and admire our work over a sandwich ...then the greenhouse gets pulled out, spiders evicted pots

cleaned and sorted, lovely seeds planned and when to plant sorted. A day which should be ordinary. We

plan our Dig for Victory plants and this evening noticing how much quieter the road noise is again.

Reports that the beauty spots around the country have been inundated by walkers, Pen Y fan is teaming

with climbers taking in the views, seaside venues over whelmed by visitors ...are people so stupid... stay

away, stop bring your germs to others .They are not heeding the warnings, hospitals are filling with every

age, gasping for breath, clinging to the last bits of life and hope they have and being cared for, staff so ill

prepared and lack of equipment.

Monday 22nd March

Another anonymous working day, I am learning how to use the systems at last but not with any great skill,

but I haven’t lost anything so that’s a bonus.

This evening another missive from BJ at 5pm. Everything is to stop, retail is to close the only things open

will be food stores, petrol, Pharmacies and anyone deemed essential will be in work to help keep things

running. Packages of benefits are being out together for workers who can no longer go to work, 0 hours

contracts, big businesses, small business...lock down. Folk are admonished for travelling around this

weekend as if it were a public holiday.

The Chancellor, the new guy has spoken of people being supported and benefits’ for businesses and how it

will come into play, but the markets are very uncertain as to how this will pan out. Somehow, I see a

lifetimes saving trickling away...a lifetime of doing what was correct just upended and uncertainty in its

place.

The world is changing, bit by bit all we held certain and yet there are benefits, the air is cleaner the birds

are singing, all the sounds of the hustle and bustle a of so called modern life drifting away.

I speak to friends via technology, we laugh so as not to cry or worry one another, reach out because being

along is not right, trying to keep each other’s mental health up trying to be hopeful not frightened. In 1918

they had Spanish flu that wiped out millions of people but the technology was not there like today obviously,

not wall to wall coverage of who what where, every intermit details of the slightest illness. It had swept

around the world slowly not brought in by the aircraft travelling public and bulk carried goods vehicles which

our world could not do without. Globalism has changed that, countries that relied on their own

manufacturing industries once have given the work away for someone working for a pittance to do in a hell

hole in the back streets of some 3rd world country. We will be holding to others for the rise of anything

worthwhile after this is done.

Tuesday ...a week on.

I am fearful, fearful because I realise that we have almost 40 years of married life under us and in an

instant this could be taken away. Never in all these years have I felt this, good and awful things have

happened, children, parents all gone too soon but we only have each other and somehow it feels despite

coming through more than humanly possible this could happen. I stop, don’t give voice to this, I tell myself.

I call a friend who has been the other side of the world for 2 months, safe I hope, and we talk as though we

had not been parted., the garden, food all the normal things. Then I call to our other property, to see a

neighbour who I lived next-door to for 36 years and miss so very much even though we talk and email and

do everything but there’s nothing like a chat over a garden wall on a sunny day. I am here as the viewing

for the property was meant to be today but no... the uncertainty and the low interest rates won’t entice

anyone now for a long time and if and when jobs are back will everything have changed.

Weds 25th

I walk to work again, I laugh at the thought workplace being across the hall but my real workplace is several

miles away but this feels good, focuses the mind, the day is bright, how do such crazy things happen even

on sunny days I think, children die on beautiful days like these. I thank god for the outdoor space and

detour to the greenhouse and plant seeds, invest in the future for there will be a future.

June 2020

I sent the 1st months views in March. That was with the intention of following it up in April and now we are 2

weeks into June, and I don’t know where that time has gone. The constant updates were followed on the

broadcast at 5pm daily, lists of Stay home, Stay safe, Save the NHS being prominently displayed on

podiums, News programmes and every billboard. Constant updates of deaths, contacts, ideas on how to

control, wash hands, keep distance, no visiting anyone and...and yet the numbers increase, every day they

increase despite advice. Questions, ideas, plans none of them making progress to this unseen virus

creeping insidiously forward. It feels like the next block busting horror film has come to life.

I find myself beginning to worry more than I have ever done. My husband is still traveling to and from work,

safe distancing in his work place hand washing, following the guidelines but I am terrified for him, for us.

The dreaded what if’s have crept into my head, it’s not good he has to be here, I need to know he’s safe. I

have never in almost 40 yrs of marriage ever thought how would I cope him in my life. We have always

been independent of one another so why has this idea come to mind. He takes a weeks leave, I feel

reassured, I am only going out for food shopping once a week, taking antibacterial wipes, wiping handles

down, not handling items I don't want. Finding restrictions on some items, flour has suddenly become

impossible to get hold of, eggs similarly...the world is suddenly full of Master chefs!

All our meals are cooked from scratch so fresh veg and fruit are my essentials, but oh now in the 3rd month

it would be so nice not to cook. Our local eatery is doing Sunday lunch delivery, it feels indulgent but so

very good to not have to cook it. We both relish it.

I have thrown myself into craft to keep my mind from worrying from the constant negatives, nothing small, I

am restoring furniture, garden table, chairs lovingly repainted and bedroom items chalk painted, taking

items outside to enjoy the beautiful warm sunshine, waxing the results to seal the work and buffing it to a

matte finish. It does indeed take me away from the negatively but like a crashing wave I wonder why, if

something happens who will care, who will see any of this and the tidal wave crashes over me again. We

make a decision to not watch the updates I take to not turning the radio on as its constant, one subject no

other world wide, other countries succumbing to this pandemic. Then revelations that Ministers are

travelling to 2nd homes, lovers, parents to see loved ones, travelling 260 miles on a birthday with distorted

eyesight to be safe...all laughable legitimate reasons, reasons we could all give. Relatives are dying alone,

in care homes, hospitals with strangers at their bedsides, using mobiles to hear the last voices they have

loved a lifetime unable to touch or comfort...a nurse’s hand to hold as they pass. We clap these carers

every Thursday here where I live I can hear sound drifting up across the valley, pots, pans, car horns, all

making a crescendo of noise filled with thanks to those we pray won’t be taking care of us anytime soon.

We settle into this crazy round of normality, telephone calls to friends, relatives to make sure we are still

here, long distant friends on social media from far flung parts of the world update us, the world seems very

small now, we are all praying for this to begin to halt its progress. I spend special silly times with work

colleagues via links and we laugh because we are terrified, all ages, how long will this last, have we seen

anyone, what did we think etc etc and suddenly its 2am and we only give in because we do need to stop

thinking so much. You learn a lot when so many ages join together the resilience of youth and the

questioning of age, all brought together.

And now, now we are in June and I don't know how I got here, I have had more days of being afraid,

anxious but not quite panicking although it feels very probable. The numbers are coming down, restrictions

in England are being gradually lifted, I feel I am listening to an episode of Charlie Brown, where

Peppermint Patty speaks to the teacher and we hear muffled replies...the Minister again making up plans,

before clearing with depts and resources...reports of mishandling and back of cigarette packet plans never

made clear...how do government get away with it, why do they get away with it and why will we trust any of

them again. Thankfully the Welsh Government seems to think it through, we do not lift restrictions, let’s the

English experiment with their subjects...I am comforted by this, someone is not being led like lambs to

slaughter.

I have planted an allotment so I must have hope I will survive this, I am trusty in the future and I am still

frightened.