Corona Diaries

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Jenny “Will definitely get NHS call up papers as its less than 3 years since I retired…feel so ashamed as I don’t want to go back, family and friends will be so ashamed of me.”

Background Information Female, aged 55-64, Retired CNS now volunteering for Cats Protection League charity, East Sussex, White, lives with Common Law Partner.

March and April 2020 Like the beginning of “The War of the Worlds”, who would have known the year 2020 Covid 19 caused the “pause” a world pandemic. 15/03/20 The thoughts in all our hearts today, who will come through and who will pass? Will any of our lives be untouched by loss? We are preparing to survive the unseen/uncaring virus. Our restrictions will allow our wounded earth to breathe. We will prevail, we will love and support each other. We will heal 19/03/20 Interesting times, Beginning of the “pause”. Qui gong (last class this Monday 16/3), before what I am referring to as “the pause”. Not an ending, as it felt when our supportive classes stopped, just a pause. Selfishly I am looking forward to more company. Will do extra shifts at the Cats Protection League (CPL) Shelter, as those who can, will. Wonderful walk in the sunshine along the seafront, felt good to be alive. Met Polly for coffee, probably the last time we will get to socialise. Still too many of us out and about Wonder if Polly and I will get our return to NHS call up papers. Even thought will I see her again, I do hope and pray so. Wonderful Painter family texting to support me. Lucy & Louis, our special family-we will support each other through the times ahead. Interestingly Louis said France is so much more laid back, plenty of supplies, no panic.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Also heard similar in the West Country. Down here shelves were becoming empty, last weekend supermarket was as busy as Christmas. I plan to txt, email or phone my friends weekly. So glad our cat is better before all this kicked off. Think darling Bruce & I may be on a seesaw, so when one is up can support the other. Think it hit him today, as he left work (working from home from Monday) he thought would he ever return. 20/03/20 Hit rock bottom today, sorry probably isn’t even the bottom. Will definitely get NHS call up papers as its less than 3 years since I retired. In tears to see an HDU nurse (on the news), she was in tears, after a 48 hour shift and she still can’t get fresh fruit or veg. Health secretary says they will train us up to look after pts on ventilators-front line. I know there will be other jobs as well. I don't have the skills, can’t even take a temp or bp using the new equipment, never taken blood. Feel so ashamed as I don’t want to go back, family and friends will be so ashamed of me. I want to carry on looking after the CPL cats and do extra shifts to support our cats/staff and volunteers. Have been in floods of tears, letter won't arrive until next week, bit of breathing space. Had to turn of the news, couldn't cope every time they showed that HDU nurse. Expect Polly will go back, will take my lead from her. Could try and support the cancer care team, would need a lot of update. It's not the money, but bowel cancer is my speciality. Expect **will come back. What will my old team think. Will try and contact MC next week. Trying to find my CPL volunteer pack to ring the volunteer emotional support line. One of my cats is being very attentive, she can tell I'm upset. Watching Race across the world-really helping. Could not do that now with the lockdown. If I go back to NHS I will be able to access food/petrol (at supermarket) for my family. Selfish I know. 21/3/20 All pubs, restaurants and cafe ordered to close yesterday. Got my call up email to the NHS, is voluntary. The hardest most heart breaking decision I have ever had to make. In tears a lot of the time. I know I should not worry about people think judging me by putting the cats before people. Had a wonderful morning at the CPL, all the cats, well most in homing, wanted a fuss. Told the girls my dilemma, Olivia said take your time and look after yourself (re going back). Will take my time and talk to Lead Cancer Nurse, and a couple of friends. As I was leaving at lunch time, found a bag of cat food, a very kind person had left outside the gate for the cats (at the shelter) What a wonderful, kind, caring person.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Had a wonderful walk with love one Alex and Ollie, along the seafront and through town in the sunshine, breezy but felt good to be alive. Never guessed this would turn into a diary of the Covid 19 pause to daily life. Travel programme and the CPL keeping me going. 22/03/2021 Recorded but thoughts I had jotted down yesterday evening as I found it so hard switch off. Difficult to switch off in the evening, like a waiting game, the not knowing the anxiety, have a new respect for people living with cancer. Every day is a bonus Friday due to news could have done with a glass of wine, same this evening but took last of antibiotics at Breakfast so will wait until Tuesday. WE ARE NOT DINASAURS Race across the world/wildlife and travel progs keeping us going. New War of the worlds on Fox, set in present day -brilliant. We will travel again; it will be so important to see the world again. They will need us as we need them. 22/3/20 7.37 am Lots to write about-sun is shining-beautiful day. Several thoughts to write in that I had scribbled down yesterday evening. Found it really hard to switch off even when watching the brilliant War of the Worlds. Background anxiety. Guess the lockdown will start to hit as too many of us-me included have been out walking out and about, as we were told we could go out to exercise. Thankfully we are blessed with a garden. Just joined Waterstones on line as not sure how long they can stay open-have book tokens, so ordered some books-free delivery and got loyalty points. I am dreading volunteers being stopped from going to the CPL shelter-it is my lifeline. If that happens then no choice but to go back to the NHS. Selfishly are other jobs options supermarkets if they would have me. Not sure how would effect my pension, but in good conscious would have to offer NHS first as I have to do something or go mad. Was just topping up the bird feeders, do hope we can keep this up during the pause. Looked up and saw clear blue sky and on plane trail-which we had taken for granted, not even noticed. A rare sight now. I thought of someone going on holiday, then thought of them going home hopefully. Mixed day-lovely to talk to Lucy and Louis in the garden in the sunshine. Put washing out for the first time this year. Worried about Beryl, she is phoning at 2pm. Do hope Beryl & John are ok. Beryl is my oldest dear, dear friend. Emailed her yesterday. John, her partner, has virus symptoms, started last Monday, she remains well. So worried for her. Dear Beryl, John is feeling better, and Beryl is well. We talked about my going back, she told me I had done my bit, (40 years) to let the younger ones go back to

Edited for clarity by the researcher

work. Made me feel so much better, as did lovely Lucy. Just hoping and praying can keep going to the CPL. Bruce rang his Mum and step dad, and Dad and step mum. Mothers Day today. Lazy day. First day of doing the staying in thing. Ollie went to the supermarket for NHS hour could not get in queue too long. Lots of chores to do, but they can wait till Tuesday which will be a day off for me. Need to speak to Thea at CPL about weekly email/photo/update from reserved cats to their new families, as we are not allowed to let them go in case their new family get ill and they have to come back. Lucy is going to start a photo journal, she is brilliant like that. Brilliant Thea is looking at doing some on line Qui gong classes so can continue, which will be wonderful. Not sure about two way, our messy lounge, or perhaps enough space in the bedroom, don't want to lock the cats out, will be trying to practice, they will want my attention. Willing to find the positive in every day. I am very blessed. I am much loved. I felt such joy and contentment and space from anxiety at the shelter. Love caring for gods creatures, the cats in our care. So many wanting love and giving love in return. Made me feel on reflection this is where I am meant to be. I could sit and watch out beautiful Sadie sleeping for hours. We are all blessed that spring and summer are before us. Cocktails in the garden. 23/3/20 Bruce first day working from home. He asked me to get milk on the way home, I asked him to feed the birds-neither of us that delighted. Said I would go when I get home. Sun shining, but very cold wind. Quite a few cars than I expected, but very few people on foot. First day of selective shut down. Very warm at CPL. One lady doing feeds, helped me with the litter trays. 3 of us cleaning today. Gutted, the sad news, we knew could come this week, all volunteering suspended after today, cannot even socialise the cats. Was quite tiring, but two lovely girls working with me this morning, we all enjoyed our morning. I feel so for the staff who will have to do everything. Dear Pickles, miaows, then hisses, then relaxes and comes for a fuss. What a big softie he is. Dear Lottie, who has come so far, had a fuss and a short play. Was emotional socialising as I don't know when I will see them all again. Tried to see as many of the cats as I could. Then the vet arrived to do his round, so thought better leave, don't want the vet to get ill, or any of the staff. Sobbed most of the way home. Lovely sunny afternoon, sat in the garden after the shops. Did a bit of Qui gong that I could remember. No skimmed milk in the shops, had to get semi skimmed. Yuk.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Watching race across the world lifts my spirits, especially now my life has been suspended (CPL) So looking forward to travelling as soon as it is OK to do so again. Poor planet, expect we will all be desperate to do so. Will be other opportunities to volunteer, just need to seek them out. No excuse not to go back to NHS. Polly made me feel better, has ticked to go back, but only when an emergency. Trying to make the skimmed milk last until breakfast tomorrow (reduce Bruce grump) Pancake 159 calories, was very nice, then binged on my last Halo salted caramel lolly, don't normally buy when full price (£5.00 for 3), but brought a pack on Friday to cheer myself up, was delicious though. Trying to eat healthily and not too many treats. To stay well, boost immune system, and not get FAT during the pause. Eating treat, sitting on the sofa in the evening, will try harder tomorrow. Will miss my usual Tuesday evening with Lucy next door, but we are trying to be careful and follow advise. We will chat in our gardens. Very difficult to maintain the 2 metres distance in the small supermarket. Poor Bruce, we had something booked for almost every month this year. 1st convention, seeing all our friends 2nd April postponed, so is 2nd & 3rd. However, it is good to be alive. 10 pm news Drastic new measures:

• Only go out for essential basic food, and as little as necessary.

• Go out only once a day for exercise.

• Only 2 people or with family household

• For medical/health care reasons, or to care for a vulnerable person.

• Travel to/from work only if no other option. To last 3 weeks minimum Police to enforce this drastic measures for drastic times!! 24/03/20 3 WEEKS! Has just sunk in. Did not sleep well last night-took ages after falling asleep on the couch, tried to stay awake until the end of the 10 o’clock news, but fell asleep. Bruce woke me at midnight, ended up putting the torch to read until @ 3 am.. Awake again before 6. Need to keep fit, difficult to do DVD with our beautiful cats, but will try, need to go out daily for brisk walk. Hit a low point, I know 2-4 pm is my low point (from when I have been studying) Endless boredom of retirement with no role, no purpose, no social contact. Was going to go for a walk but felt fatigued, got a headache. Just taken Anadin, allowing myself to have these feelings. Scared of getting fat and flabby. This morning was ok, Bruce still needed stuff from supermarket, waited until > 11 to allow the elderly and crowds to pass. Beautiful and warm in the sunshine, felt good. Brought 2 boxes of cat food although we have enough for 2 weeks, was worried about running out. I am as b ad as everyone else stockpiling- felt so guilty, put one box in the cat charity box. Had a lovely chat with Lucy and Louis in the garden. Lucy is off work now, so Louis has finished to protect his health. By this afternoon she

Edited for clarity by the researcher

was finding it a long day, and she is good at crafts. I really miss not being able to hug my friends and go for a walk with friends/socialise. Miss my CPL lifeline. Getting paranoid every time I feel fatigues, headache, is it the Virus? Cough stopped, was only clearing my throat. Just over analysing all the time. We still have a long way to go, don’t want to exhaust friendships, so will keep my feelings to myself and try not to burden Beryl.

Tomorrow is another day .

So glad I now get free texts. Have decided we need something to look forward to. Weather permitting tea in our gardens, cake, prosecco, G&T, sherry other options available.

Something to look forward to

Have signed up to go back to NHS if emergency declared, followed Polly’s lead. Bruce is so lucky in a way being able to work from home, but I know he is feeling it too, poor darling is being better today, both trying to help each other. I am not a hero, I am a coward, I have followed Polly lead and signed up to temporary register which will go live within 24 hours of emergency legislation being passed. Cowardly me has not ticked the wards. Yes I am scared. In all good conscious I had to do it, but I am a coward. My brave grandpa, and many others, signed up under age to fight in the trenches in WW1. They are heroes, as are poor colleagues struggling through. Feeling so much better, ok partly due to caffeine. Headache mostly gone. Have sat in the sun, in my happy place in the garden. So blessed the garden is so full of life, insects, bumble bees, new buds and flowers. Need to get some more cat friendly/bee/insect/butterfly friendly plants. Spoke to neighbour over back wall, they are recently out of the forces, looking for work, suggested temporary supermarket jobs. Should I sign up for NHS volunteer service? As a social role pro temp? Far too many years since I gave blood. Only 2 years left on my yellow fever vaccination card so should be ok to give blood…on news donation down, signed up online to book an appt to give blood. Feeling more positive. Tidied and cleaned a kitchen cupboard/coat hanger & boot basket, aiming to minimise potential areas of conflict in the kitchen and hall, more like areas of disharmony rather than conflict. Had a lovely call to my friend, would normally meet spend Tuesday evenings together over a glass of wine, so we had a glass and chat over the phone. Have moved afternoon tea to Friday as weather looks awful on Sunday. NHS volunteer service, will look into this as nee to do something while CP< volunteering suspended. Lovely to hear Bruce laughing upstairs on his online game. Semi skimmed milk on breakfast cereal (supper snack) YUK is so wrong, just couldn’t get skimmed. May have to have an alternative to cereal until we can get skimmed again.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

25/03/20 Another beautiful day in paradise! Reasons to be cheerful I am not in lock down with my ex, we would not have been compatible, but I do hope he is happy and content. Blessings; my loved one, my friends, our beautiful girls (cats), my health, my eyesight, my hearing, my mobility. That I have recently, thankfully, changed my mobile to contract, cheaper package, but get free texts also some free calls. I am rationing the calls to make them last. Landline calls are only free > 7 pm and weekends. Just before 7 am, the Green Goddess on BBC, blast from the past. I stood up and did the 3-minute gentle stretches, was fun. The new Excel conversion to a hospital (London), 500 beds scaling up to 4000, that’s scary. I am not a hero; I am a coward. Absolutely terrified and tearful about the NHS call up. The REAL HEROES are our colleagues who have no choice, but are working in the NHS. The shop workers keeping us topped up-exposed to so many people, with no protective clothing/masks. Bus drivers, community Drs, pharmacy, everyone who is supporting the community. Vets & their teams. Forgive me there are so many more I have not listed. Selfish me wants to shout this (social isolation) is what retirement really feels like for me, but I won’t. Bruce has cheered up, Disney Channel app available. Think/hope our lovely friends are having a lay on as no washing out, will keep an eye out (in case they are poorly). Was having a lovely day, relaxed after early morning sob. Sat in the sunshine. Was 11.30 before I knew it. Booked blood transfusion donation session. Was a good day until got a call from NMC, Polly has not had one yet. Will get call within next 24-48 hours as to what needed in our area, and what I can offer. Now scared again. 26/03/20 A beautiful day, good to be alive. Few tears for NHS staff when watched the morning news. Need to get out for a walk today, last 2 days have not gone out, thought wait until later when it is quieter so have not used up my one allowed exercise too soon, then it was dinner time and did not want to go out then. Felt need to go out early today, was lovely, no cars except in supermarket car park. No people, thought I had missed a directive not to go out. Beautiful along the cycle path, peaceful, saw swans, filmed on my phone-not sure how good this will be.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Able to far enough ahead to plan when to stand back and let others pass. One man & his dog, a couple, a lady and her dog, two men going to work at bus depot walking alone. Another man and his dog. One man running. It’s the cyclists that I don’t hear coming up behind me. On way back thought I would go to supermarket, passed (at a safe distance) a man in an electric wheelchair and another with his dog, both said hello. Also signalled which direction I was going to a lady with her dog. Was not sure if it was the time allotted for elderly people (local small supermarket), but the security man let me in. Am I the only one in the supermarket who tries to social distance in the aisles? The elderly are the worst. Manage to get skimmed milk hurray. Only allowed one bottle which is fair. On way back home had to stand in someone’s drive to allow someone to pass at safe distance. Felt like sword of Damocles hanging over me waiting for NHS call. Think as with social volunteering, only people who are at high risk can do the phoning from home support role, but have decided-cowardly, I don’t want to do face to face. Friends support this. Louise has said no to go back- “you’ve done your bit”. Reminded me of when were on the wards during the flu outbreak (years ago) and that had to hire refrigerated lorries as the morgue was full. I don't remember being scared then. We didn’t have flu vaccinations, were a lot younger to. Shattered, cleaned a best I could the mildew of the summerhouse cushions. 12 in all, but meant I could be in the sunshine., did general clean up in there to. I was not meant to be a domestic goddess. 8pm tonight the social clap to show gratitude to NHS workers. I will be out there clapping. Lucy is going to offer to do social volunteering via phone as she does not drive- she will be brilliant. Saw a neighbour getting something from their car in their drive. Called hello from safe distance, asked if all ok. They came to the front-hope I was still far enough away. They said day 5 of the virus, just beginning to feel better- had felt like they were burning up. Spouse and one of their adult children still poorly, other adult child remains well. Spoke to Louis next door and warned him of neighbours condition. Then rang Lucy as not sure if he had heard me clearly. The response to clap for NHS was amazing, so well deserved. Has lovely long text chat with a friend. Slept well, definitely know sharing his tablet news wakes me up, so no screen time for me. Love to all x x x 27/03/20 Another beautiful day-very chilly first thing. 6 am one of our cats walked across the bed, she is very good at anatomy, knows exactly where to find a full bladder, bless her. USA overtakes the world with no. of virus cases, they always have to have the biggest, sorry sick humour. Bruce is off today, looking forward to afternoon tea in the garden with our lovely friends. Think I might order a radio for the garden, BOSE of course :). Looked at making our bikes static, but looks too expensive, never mind. Life is precious. It is a gift. Every day is a blessing, a bonus. How soon I wonder will we take it for granted again-I hope we will always appreciate our precious gift when life restarts.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

There will be rejoicing parties and thanksgiving. What will the world be like? More caring, more appreciative, more sensitive to the healing and balance of nature and our precious world? Well, had a lovely day, Pickles puss on my lap. Bruce home with me. -shopped, sat in the sunshine… Cheeks burning this evening, does not feel like sunburn, I am usually so careful, did put sunscreen on? Wind burn. Had drinks in garden with Lucy and Louis. We sat in our respective gardens with table on the boundary. They put their own glasses on the table and stood back… Bruce filled the glasses and stood back, same with the cakes. We all needed that afternoon together. Then got the email and call up papers, Polly got hers as well. Not going to fill them out tonight as had a drink or 2 and need Bruce to help me download the forms. I am terrified. I know my friends do not want me to go back, and at the end of the day I may still not. Think I will only offer 2 days a week, don’t want to do full time or more than 2 mornings. 28/3/20 I am writing less & less, trying to keep track of the days. What is there to talk to friends about, other than the world crisis. Beautiful sunny day, but cold wind. Failed at finding YouTube on TV. Pressed Netflix instead, better get Bruce to show me again. Did do DVD work out, 5 min warm up, 20 min exercise, 6 min cool down. 1st time in a least a year, managed it. One of the lovely cats was asleep in the kitchen. The other one came in near the end for breakfast, during the cool down, but manage it, our other little lovely would have been more insistent. Pickles did fall asleep on my lap, did that last night as well, did not want to disturb her so late to bed. Dropped some flour off at the door for Bruce’s mum, blew kisses from the car. Natasha said it was hard seeing her Mum and not being able to visit. Was wonderful just to be out in the sun when we went to the shops. Enjoyed afternoon in the Summerhouse, too cold to sit outside until I went to make a drink, then sat in my happy spot in the sun, sheltered. Had felt shattered this afternoon, no energy to phone friends, felt better later and phoned one of my friends. My role is to listen, actively listen and need energy for this, so can only manage one call at a time at present. Had felt unsettled as I had not practiced Qui gong, so did a short practice in our beautiful bedroom, so lovely and peaceful with the afternoon sun. Had worried when the old plain peach wallpaper came off that we would lose the peaceful/relaxing feeling, definitely have not. After spending time looking out the window, jotted down the following:

• How silent, quiet, still our world is.

• The branches of the trees swaying in the wind, like a ballet.

• I am at peace. I am quiet, I am still, I am at peace.

• I am contented, I am fulfilled :)

• Watching less TV since lockdown. Enjoying spring sunshine and the feeling of new life, watching the flowers, buds and insects, beautiful.

• Enjoying the peace, quiet and stillness.

• How hungry am I? I am so conscious of not wasting food at this time. My darling Bruce also feels the same.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

29/03/20 (written up on 30/03/20) I didn't write anything yesterday, it is now 30th, was going for a walk, but bitter cold wind. Then sleet! Felt for the people on the cycle path. Background stress re returning forms sitting in in box. Bruce helped me download them, have looked at them, will leave them for another day. Stressed, can't get through to credit card re refund from hotel. Cancellation. Felt safe and cocooned this afternoon :) Watching good Karma Hospital helped. Fell asleep and dreamt of Zombies! (Went to bed at 1.24 am). 30/03/20 A very good day. Sun shining, good to be alive. Wind less cold. Did 15 min DVD walking fat burning session. Think I had an anxiety attack for the first time. ½ hour after breakfast, felt short of breath, but able to do DVD workout. Ventolin inhaler before workout, no probs, do NOT the virus. Did not get showered/dressed until 11.15 but was doing other things around the house. Brisk walk along cycle path, tried to keep up brisk pace, but had to stop a few times to social distance. Most people smiled and said good morning. Swans are on the nest, hopefully will be successful this year and hatch the eggs, last year not sure what happened? Fox got the eggs. Scored Skimmed milk at the supermarket! Yeh! Bruce helped me set up Zoom for afternoon Qui gong, which was wonderful. Meanwhile filled out as much as I could on the returned forms. Got an email to say will get a call within 3 days to discuss options. I will listen to what they have to offer, then make a bit of an effort. I am a coward. Beryl and Louise said not to go back, is tough, how to respect them. Loved one said he will support me whatever I decide. I am in tears when I see/hear about front line NHS staff. If I can’t join my old team, then telephone support or social volunteering instead, so at least I will be doing something. Lovely phone call with my best friend tonight. Lucy’s lights look very pretty, like a fairy garden. Wore my purple hat, gloves and carried the (toy) kittens my friend gave me for Christmas to wave to my furry family that Bruce plays on line with tonight. Watching Race across the world, would love to do this, not for the money, for the experience. Feel very tired, but in a good way. Spectacle bear sanctuary in Peru. Poor loves, many rescued from “zoos” where they were ill-treated. Now safe. Thea said all well at, at CPL when I rang, both staff and cats. 31/03/20 Another beautiful day. Wind still very cold. Did my 15 min workout, showered then ran out of motivation. Accepted that is how I feel today. Feel in limbo, waiting for the call within 3 days they said. Gave up carrying my phone, if I miss a call, they will call back. (can’t put my life on hold) Text Louise, do miss meeting up with my friends, so glad we all met up before the lockdown. Such a shame thousands of pants/tress/shrubs to be wasted as garden centres closed. Shame we can’t just go and collect and leave a donations. Our lovely cats have kept me company in the garden.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Pickles slept in the summerhouse. Trimmed some for the shrubs, don’t know what I am doing, do hope they will be ok. Back & knees so painful to bend, back achy, I think this was why I did not feel motivated. I took Ibuprofen and it eased eventually, but left an awful tension headache. Bruce’s dad’s birthday today, he loves his family, I rung and wished happy birthday. He seems in good spirits especially as his blood tests were a bit better, not got any worse. Had a lovely call to Alex this evening, was so good to talk to my friend. Headache has passed at last! 01/04/20 1st April already. Sun shinning :) frost on cars. Hop shrubs ok. Poor bee, Sadie found in the kitchen did not make it through the night. Did look poorly:( Done my workout and feel good. Good to be alive. Pay day hurray! (pension day). Considering volunteering for dog walking with the Cinnamon trust. Should have been preparing to travel to Birmingham tomorrow to see out friends for Lux convention-miss you all & dear Suzie. 1st Lux was dedicated to you. The news today is terrible, 563 people have died in UK RIP, a 4th retied Doctor has died. This is dreadful. Feel so cocooned at that home. Had a lovely walk and went to Lidl. Am I really the only one who tries to social distance? I am not perfect. Have had to pass close to people on occasions, try very hard to aviod the elderly. Did not go to Sainsburys as was out for quite a time, so did not feel it was fair. Would have liked a walk this afternoon but would not have been right. So pleased Bruce has had a walk this evening. Lovely in the sun and out of the wind, but wind still cold. Poor Bruce, sun was in so did not sit out for his lunch. My back is aching again this evening. Why? Knees are not so bad, did ache/hurt until 4pm. Bit of gardening. Right wrist hurt this am, did use the secateurs a lot yesterday, so only a little today, was not going to use them but needed to cut the brambles. ? bee has survived. Thought he had died, but moved a leg when I tried to put him on a bramble leaf. Took him to the broom, lovely yellow blooms, but he did not move, so left in a path of sun, with a bit of cover. Still cold for him. When I came checked at @ 1pm, he was gone, hopefully flew away, but birds or ants may have taken him poor thing. No call today, so will come tomorrow, email said 3 days. Not sure if I was supposed to email back first, but needed Bruce’s help tonight. Just want to get it over with. Evenings feel excited about perhaps joining my old team, hopefully help me accept my retirement when it is all over. Yes I am scared! Headache coming on again. Why? Think it is my neck, tension. Amount of car usage is up, have noticed this too. People do need to get to the shops, supposed to be once a week, but we need milk alternate days, unless we can stock up on long life skimmed again. We don’t have click & collect or home delivery: there is no spaces. Feel we need to register, will have to discuss with Bruce again. Was a good day, lovely Pickles on my lap, but death rate up is so awful. 02/04/20 I feel still, I feel at peace, I feel content. Thank you so much to my bestie for our chat in our gardens and for saying that you needed that. I am so grateful and blessed with the gifts of love and friendship which I treasure, and for our beautiful girls (Suzie and Pickles (cats)). Have sent a long email to my lovely friend Alisha who was part of our lovely “A” team, Alisha, Kate & me :)

Edited for clarity by the researcher

What a cruel disease when loved ones cannot even be with their dying loved ones, can't even be there at the funeral (BBC News 10 pm), so touching. 8 pm clap for NHS, support, key workers, carers, vets, air ambulance, shopworkers and all the wonderful people working to keep us safe. A BIG Thank you, and to CPL and all animal and homeless and charity workers, a big thank you. 04/04/20 Didn't write anything yesterday (03/04), it started off ok. Beautiful sunshine, which was a bonus as not expecting that. Though I would try the walking section on DVD, my lower back did not like that. Did not feel like a good workout so did another 15 minutes. Hadn't used my inhaler today. Bruce took me into town to pay in cheques, so that he could circle round as nowhere to park. Found a space next to body shop, loading bay, where he could drive round again if needed. Very random queue to get in. Down the other end of the precinct a young chap was shouting, I think about the crisis. People queueing for some shops, including Poundland. I tried to social distance for everyone’s safety. Woman talking to a man in our queue. Overheard about 19 people, keep it quiet, I can only ask, sounded like they were arranging a get together, but could be wrong. She started to shout back at the young guy, he was shouting out a number, I think 15, she shouted 20, a few others were shouting to. I judgementally felt this was ignorant. I tried to ignore them all. Thought best way to help the young guy? Drunk? Drugs? Mental health issues or combination of all. He came down our end and a couple of security guards, a lady and a man asked him to leave. Scuffle broke out, the man trying to restrain him. He hit the cash machine at one point? With his head. The guard had a real struggle to get him on the floor. Really scary, I thought should I try to help? Man in queue filmed it on his camera (mobile), felt ashamed of him. Police came and I went into to the bank. Police were still there when I came out. Bruce could see it. Further police arrived before we left. Apparently, every time they calmed him down and let him stand, he tried to run off. Did see a can of probably alcohol, but did feel sorry for him, he looked unkempt. Difficult times for all of us, what social support does he have? Went to supermarket, only one person allowed in unless shopping for more than one person. Difficult as we don't know what the other wants. Bruce said we each take a trolley and go in separately. Felt so guilty, especially at the checkout when had to pay for 2 trolleys. Then lady in the car park who told us about one person spoke to another person as we left. Felt we had been caught out, expecting to be named and shamed, felt guilty all day, so all went down hill from there. Afternoon headache came on. Bruce got headache later in the afternoon. Had lovely call to Louise, was worried about telling her about going back, after her advice and reassurance not to. Said we had our papers, Polly and I, which is true. That I did not want to do full time, ad only do telephone support. Was easier than I thought, all true. Louise was fine with it. Louise is taking covers off food before putting it away, and not putting shopping on work surfaces. Worried, I am not doing enough to keep us safe. Saw my bestie sitting down in her back garden, back to us in that the bench is positioned in the sun. Thought about texting her to see if she would like company, but knowing her, thought she wouldn't say if she preferred to be alone. Didn't test as was worried in case Bruce had early symptoms, did not want to risk infecting her and Louis. I did a small bit of gardening and sat in the sun. Watched some telly, War of the worlds set in present day, which helped, but I just spiralled mentally, and comfort ate. Drank half a glass of prosecco, all that was left in the bottle, and later ½ a glass of wine. No walk today, just ate load of calories and undid all I had done this week!

Edited for clarity by the researcher

04/04 Poor Pickles wanted to go out when I went to bed last night, had to say no and walk past her. They do have their litter trays, but don't use them over night. Do worry about that. Sadie didn’t purr, just led me out the bedroom, both seemed subdued this morning. Misty outside could have easily not exercised, but I must. Also forgot, tight chest last night, Gaviscon did not really help. Inhaler helped, anxiety again! Shamed by young doctor on the news who is very excited about starting work at the Nightingale Hospital, only worried about getting sick and letting her colleagues down. So brave. I feel so ashamed. Please Lord keep her safe. Two nurses died yesterday, one aged 39, has 3 young children, 4 doctors have died so far and a pharmacist. Death toll awful again yesterday, all so awful. Suzie has just come in and greeted me, took her out to her breakfast and she purred. Pickles will come in to find me when she is ready. Things looking up a bit:) Had a lovely chat with my bestie last night. She had a bit of a tough day, shared this over a text. Told her I thought of joining her but did not know if she preferred to be alone, she said she always welcomes my company. Gave permission to say if she wants to be alone I won’t be offended, as at some point during this time, we may all need some time alone. We agreed we would tell each other and get through this with help from our friends. Both looking forward to Sunday in the garden. Thought back to when I was 15, had a wonderful friend Carla, we were well above our age, used to be able to say to each other if one of us did not feel like talking, and the other would acknowledge this was ok. We walk along in silence until we felt like talking. Some people would need years of counselling to get to that stage, which we did naturally at 15. Sadly, lost contact. As I have got older I am more worried about hurting people’s feelings than being that open. Me, Me Me, back twinged. Stupid president Trump is not going to wear a face mask, is saying it is voluntary, despite the fact that in the US, they have been told they must wear one in public. It is not voluntary. UK no advise to wear masks in public. They may help stop the spread from an infected person, but no good for general protection. Me, Me, Me again. Think I have been exercising too soon, know I should take things gently for the first hour out of bed as the osteopath advised. Been trying to exercise while the cats are out. Suzie is asleep in the chair so may start soon, will try and take it gently, but I can, t do gently, it’s all or nothing. Was going to do 30-minute workout, too lazy to change the DVD, then decided to be kind to myself. Pickles came home all loving, is asleep on my lap, all is good Only go out to the shops when you have to. Have said to Bruce we must go separately this week. Loved one has just got up, is feeling better today. Decided a walk later will be the exercise for today. A garden day if warm enough. Beautiful day spent most of it in the garden, out of the wind, chatting with Lucy and Louis, wonderful. Spiralled down and sobbed. Email to say my call was coming. Anxiety > fear. Sobbed in the bedroom and prayed. As time went on began to relax @ 2 pm missed call, tried to call back, hung on for 6 minutes, tried again later, easier than I thought. Agreed telephone support from home: 2 mornings a week. Video call to come. Felt better than have for a long time. Lovely walk with Bruce this evening. Tried to order Chinese takeaway. Our usual one is shut, did not recognise any of the others, the Chinese was a bribe to get Bruce out for a walk this afternoon. Afternoon in the garden and chatting with Lucy and Louis made it a good day. Ended up with meal from the fridge. Had zoom meet up with the family, said it was like gogglebox. Never laughed so much. Bruce’s Dad and step mum could not hear us, tried phoning, tried

Edited for clarity by the researcher

message via lap top, but was so good to see the family. Did have a glass of wine, will have another with Lucy and Louis, will be 4 days in a row, so will have to stop for a few days. Lay awake trying to work out how I can work from home as Bruce is set up to work from home upstairs. 05/04 Beautiful sunny day. Girls very purry. Hopefully get workout in but want to listen to the service at 08.09 first as a priority. Now dancing in good spirits:) Will ask Bruce to help me send back my forms ready for video call on Monday, to go back to DGH feels scarry, don't want to die- selfish, don't want to infect Bruce, my friends, besties Lucy and Louis. I will talk to Bruce about table and chair to work from home if pos. Polly has had her call, will give her a call for update. Poor Charlie asked if anyone else was getting bored. So far I am really enjoying my retirement, feel I have finally adjusted, think it is the better weather and having Bruce home, but do miss CPL. Really looking forward to CPL virtual cuppa on Thursday. Really looking forward to afternoon tea in the garden. Need to talk to Bruce about delivery of food to avoid supermarkets. Social distancing when walking still difficult at times. Bruce feels fast walk past is ok, says law of physics is that there is less risk of infecting others, but I still feel is not. Dr on TV again says please try to distance at least 2 metres when out, appreciates this is difficult. Supermarket still the worst. Do hope we don’t have to self- isolate at home, Bruce does not really take it on board as to how serious and important it is if one of us feels poorly. Want to prepare (get blow up bed in front room), rather than trying to do it when one of us is ill. Please God we all stay well, family & friends. Selfish I know. Sorry. In good tears, girl on TV being able to read for the first time, lost her sight, read her favourite book? Which one. Saw the audience with IT tech goggle things on Click. I am so grateful to be alive, for the gifts of love, friendship, health, companionship. I so miss giving my friends/family a big hug. I am so looking forward to coming through the other side, meeting family and hugging again, and writing about the joy and love of this . Please forgive me if this is the first time you are learning of my faith which is keeping me going. Forgive me if you can, and do not feel betrayed that I was not brave enough to share this before. I am not pessimistic, can't spell. I am at peace. If I need to go to the DGH, then so be it. I just want to keep my family safe. My huge family of friends and adopted family (Bruce’s family). To once again share the joy and not take it for granted. I do hope and pray to be able to share the joy of re-uniting with friends, family, Painter family and CPL friends and cats. Miss you Ed and Marble and all the others. Marble will you still remember me, we played, your coat will have grown, you will look beautiful, as you do already. The kittens will have grown. I am so looking forward to seeing you all again, stroking/playing with you. Building trust if the scared ones. To partying hard at Painter. To share wedding days, and Tuesday evenings with my besties. I feel returning to work will give me closure and hopefully help me to accept my retirement. I would work for free, don’t want to get used to more money again, but I guess can use it top up the savings, help others/charities. Lord please help me to serve the front line NHS workers these are the Real HEROES and the Key workers, shop workers and vets. A big thank you. I feel content - is that so wrong? Together we started to clean lean to and garage. Lovely afternoon, prosecco and homemade cake by Louis in the garden, delicious. Sat in the summerhouse while Bruce watched Supergirl, felt at peace. Pickles joined me, she loves the corner seat, she fell comfortably asleep and there even after I came in for dinner. Good Karma Hospital-really enjoyed glimpses of Sri Lanka. Queens speech, wonderful lady ODF 90 who has given her life in service to her country. God bless the Queen.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

06/04 Beautiful sunny day, wind chilly is walking into it. Workout, not so enthusiastic. Could not go full tilt. Had to ring dentist as painful to eat on crown again. Imagination led to me to having to see unknown emergency dentist who would remove it and leave a gap as replacement cosmetic, not emergency. So relieved when my dentist rang, plan TDS Ibuprofen and salt mouth washes, then update tomorrow, keep antibiotics in reserve. Ibuprofen does not work as well an Anadin, but will follow advice. Went for a walk, back niggling, made me feel grumpy on top of tooth. Decided I could not wait in for a video call, my life must go on. Qui gong pm, must admit was an effort, but once got started enjoyed it, but difficult to hear my friend at times even with aid in Left ear, Right ear battery low, so try again with that one tomorrow? Should go back to plug rather than mould in R ear and see if I can get on with fit. Checked email, just realised had miss read need to scan and send off documents via email before call. Have to wait for Bruce now, won't be tonight, so that’s OK. Prime minister admitted to hospital last night with ongoing symptoms, not in ITU, stay in at present time. Need to phone and see how neighbour who had the virus is. 10/04 10.30 CPL virtual cuppa via zoom, volunteers from around the country. Felt awful as missed a chap talking about having a bad time as I was trying to get Suzie in camera, so sorry. Supermarket. Totally forgot, got in the way of a man with his son in his trolley, I turned and said “so sorry”, he smiled and said no probs as he passes. Please God I have not endangered them. Queueing to pay, in aisle by the alcohol. So, no one who wants their booze is social distancing. Cleaned out understairs cupboard and found poor dead mouse. Filthy afterwards. Loads mouse dropping, so cleaned everything. Took out carpet and threw away. 1984 newspaper underneath, year lived in this house for the first time. Obviously never been moved since I moved back in the early 90s. Binned the lot and cleaned everything. Lovely walk with Bruce down cycle path in the evening, the joined in Clap for carers. Had text back from Kate, I had left her a voicemail as I couldn’t get hold of anyone for a reference. Poor darling, is in such an emotional state she can hardly talk, poor love is still at DGH, I can't even visit her at home to give her a hug and listen. Said she will ring in a few days when she feels better. Went to post office and got box for Paul’s pressie. Not sure why but Shaun thinks I am a hero for volunteering to go back. I’m not, I may have left it too late/offered too little. Even social volunteering is full at present so will have to wait to sign up. Today lazy day, listening to Planet Rock, watching lovely wild life programme on bears with Bruce. Text from Paul, he has four days off and sounds like he needs it. Trying to decide which day to host our garden distance get together with Lucy and Louis. I have something I must cook today. Still hurts to eat on crown. Dentist been wonderful, text advice, said number will be manned if needed. Think it is not as bad and the Anadin once a day works better than the Ibuprofen for last 48 hours. Must work out tomorrow. 2 days off, not good enough. Did have a long walk, under an hour. 14/04 Just realised had not written since 10/04. Wonderful Easter weekend. Beautiful warm sunshine. Had lovely walk with Bruce along the cycle path (before it got too hot). Went passed Alex and Ollie’s and chatted from the end of their drive. Never missed seeing our family (Bruce’s family who welcomed me as one of their own) so much as now. Had a lovely social distancing afternoon get together with Lucy and Louis. Both of us

Edited for clarity by the researcher

sat in our own garden at a safe distance, shared alcohol, a meal and good company:) 14/04 Felt lonely today after the 4 day Easter w/e. Bruce is back upstairs working from home. Miss my bestie, she is only next door, miss being able to go out for a walk together, our Tuesday evenings together with a glass of wine, girlie chat, putting the world to right :), supporting listening to each other. Decided to dust the bedroom, note to self, hold firmly onto duster when shaking out the window so that it does not land in the brambles. Was sadly excited about using my new eco-friendly duster. Bruce loaded WhatsApp onto my laptop, it has copied my contacts on my phone again! So, may have to take it off again. Was going to email O2 customer support for advice. Text Lucy next door, met for a safe distance in the garden for chat & coffee. She helped me receive and send my 1st WhatsApp text! Got really cold then: over analysing my health, worried about getting Covid 19 and infecting my family. Wow that wonderful Captain Tom, nearly 100 years old veteran who is walking up & down his garden to raise funds for NHS, on the news has raised > a million. Yesterday was lazy day, was cold. Forgot Sunday we Caprioled the summerhouse. Monday got some skimmed milk and dropped bottle of Rose wine for Bruce’s Dad & Step mum. We sat in the car and they on their doorstep for their safety. Qui gong 1st online class via zoom, at 3-4 pm. Still getting the hang of online, but so appreciate these classes- thankyou Rhys. Sun is out now, after 4 days off did my 15 min workout this am, need to up my cardio. Still have my walk in hand, don’t want to go out too soon as we are only allowed out for an hour exercise . Was too cold earlier. Have downloaded loads to watch. Thank goodness for wildlife programmes. Very worrying on the news (telly text) about wildfire near Chernobyl nuclear plant, bet the Russians are playing it down. My 1st thought was for the wildlife, then thought about the danger to the world, all the radioactive dust going into the atmosphere in smoke. Yet another great insult to our earth and another great risk to human life. Showed it to Bruce who was equally concerned. Went out for my walk this afternoon, beautiful sunshine, wind was bitter cold, did not take my gloves, forgot it is only April. Was going to drop off the parcel that was left in our porch this morning, correct no. but Avenue not Road. On the way thought what it they are in lockdown as they are vulnerable, so thought better take to the post office. Only 2 people allowed in at a time, longest queue I have seen yet, hands so cold while waiting, Parcel force arrived to collect parcels, wondered whether to ask if they wanted to take mine, but waited. One lady gave up. 2 women, one with a pushchair, came past. One to cash point. Shouted at the child to shut up. To be fair must be so hard with the lockdown. I am forever grateful we have a garden, only few minutes’ walk to nature. I feel so for those in flats/bedsits with no balcony or access to outside space. I worried about the victims of domestic abuse (and their pets), numbers up since lockdown. Does not bare thinking about. CPL take Paws Protect cats in. I guess they will be taking in those cats while space available. I wonder if Marble will remember me, his coat will have grown back when next I see him, he is not a Paws Protect cat. It is always so lovely when cats go their new home Last night my back, kidney area and round both sides of abdomen hurt, think it was muscular. Hurt to take a deep breath/yawn. Really bad when I woke up, but Anadin got rid of the pain. Started to get uncomfortable @ 11 am, but it eased until 4pm, took more Anadin @ 4.30. Will leave it a few days, if doesn’t settle then will ring GP, have other health problems would normally see GP about, but under current

Edited for clarity by the researcher

restriction do not want to ring GP-more urgent cases than me. My routine dental appointment is postponed until Sept, can't wait that long, less painful to eat on crown, gum less swollen I think, but don't think I should leave it for months. Will ring dentist if no better by next week. Polly well ahead of me as she has got her NHS return to work forms in quicker. She had to go to DGH for mandatory training today, I do hope she is safe. We are keeping in touch, she is updating me. Why do I analyse every time I feel a bit not normal-felt a bit cold/shivery, could be as window was open, but worried, is it the virus? Try so hard to social distance when out, especially when people have children. The elderly & teens do not appear to take this seriously enough. Try to keep safe distance as much as possible, but some people do not appear to bother. Had a lovely call to my oldest friend on Sunday, we met in 1978 in introductory block (nursing school) and became best of friends. She is like a sister to me. It was so wonderful when she moved nearer last year, Who would have known what was ahead of us then. When they announced Tim Brooke Taylor (Goodies fame) had died, reminded me of my best friend at school, we both loved the show, then David Attenborough show about the Indra (picture of one in school library, used to make us laugh so much, very difficult when you are supposed to keep quiet). Lost touch when she moved away. Thank goodness temperature 36.4, Normal, just paranoid. Just had lovely call to my bestie. Another beautiful sunset. A bit too early to feed the hedgehogs, have 2 again this year, for last 2 years had 4, fingers crossed 4 again would be wonderful. Think I have registered our hedgehogs on Hedgehog Street, but not sure if did it right. 15/04 09.40 in tears, BBC News, a wonderful care worker reading out a letter to a lady in a care home. Dear Grandma, a letter saying goodbye to their dying Gran as they cannot be with her due to Covid 19. Heart breaking. At last care home residents & staff are going to start to be tested. They are taking care of their residents, like family. They don’t even have enough PPE. People, our elderly loved ones are dying, their cares risking their lives. Back very painful at 10 on pain scale (0-10) when I woke up in the night. Did manage to get back to sleep. Abdominal pain felt in back when pressed lower ab, also umbilical area. Don't think I still have my physical examination textbook. May google symptoms in the morning. This morning pain not so bad, now in abdominal region. Hurts to yawn /take deep breath. Felt in back when sitting. Have taken some Omeprazole (last night) and again this morning, as could not get rid of bad ache centre chest, feels like gastric irritation, better this morning. Will leave an hour, maybe see if simple paracetamol may help my back as no headache today. Was worried about email I got just before I went to bed, did not ask Bruce as no point until morning. He checked it for me, the warning box was part of the email to Capita, not them to me saying does not come from them. As came from a different named person was worried about scam, especially as they are doing ID check. Was thinking of ringing their fraud team to check the senders ID (to do with return to NHS). Well done Captain Tom! 4.6 million raised for NHS by this wonderful 99 year old Vet. President Trump, how much longer can he carry on. Has now stopped funding to WHO, also says that he will decide when to lift restriction, he is a real danger. No new Chernobyl fires. Still in dressing gown, woke just before 7am, next I knew was 8am. Wondered where Bruce was, bless him was going to bring me up a cup of coffee.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Think I will stop aerobic workout this am to rest my back. Good brisk walk instead. Got to go to get Milk and bread, most risky place forgetting infection. Not the shops fault, they do their best to protect us, it’s the shoppers who do not practice social distancing! Brazil on Race across the world, shame they didn’t get to take the Pantanal route. Where will we go when we can travel again? Both agreed we will. I am going to treat us to business class, probably won’t once reality sets in as very, very expensive. Economy plus is good enough for us, Bruce gets extra leg room. Who could I do the race with? Would our lovely little cats still remember me if I did. Darling Bruce would not do the race with me. It’s not the prize money, it’s the wonderful, experience. Natasha. I wonder. Will ask her later:) Getting me a step nearer to return to work, is very scary. Bruce got a bit fed up with my indecision, but will support me whatever I do. The uncle & nephew (Race across the world) are in a care home entertaining the residents, making me smile. It’s good to smile. Reasons to smile and laugh will keep us going. I looked back to the beginning of the journal; 3 weeks lockdown seemed interminable. Now it feels like the norm. Don’t want to come out too soon. I think coming out of lockdown will feel scarry as the risk of infection may rise, as I can't see us being kept in until no infection or deaths. Don’t quite understand the economy bit, but picked up that it may mean Higher unemployment, higher taxes, restrictions like we lived through in the years leading up to my retirement. No pay rise, money not going as far, and we were the lucky ones. Both had jobs and health. Igurza falls, we wish to go there, have seen Victoria falls, we have been and are still so blessed. The pause has given me contentment and gratitude. Every day is a bonus. It is so good to be alive. We are the lucky ones we have so much. Winter would have been so hard. I am writing loads today. Just checked my diary. Should have been at the Bluebell Walk today, the designated day to raise funds for CPL. Out shelter was so looking forward to it. Another hotel booking cancelled, we had something almost every month this year. I should have been going to a wedding last weekend in June. The news this evening is breaking my heart. The residents dying in care home and their memorial services. The poor staff and other residents. The young nurse who was pregnant has died; her baby was delivered safely alive. Poor love will never know their Hero mother. Wrote piece on next page before I watched the news. To come out of lockdown to spread our wings to laugh and hug and fly Tears there will be, hopefully for us, of joy, but sorrow for the loss of others. To be free again. April continued I know I have reflected before that Bruce & I are on a seesaw, when one is up the other is down at times. Definitely so yesterday, and this morning. In a way good as one can be strong and support the other. Now recognise that Fridays may be extra tough for loved one. 888 deaths in UK, so terrible. Feels so safe and cocooned at home. Those poor people and their loved ones. The poor staff caring for them, fighting to help them recover or have a peaceful death, so that no one dies alone.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Just turned to radio on TV. Thank goodness for Planet Rock, my favourite song playing. Bon Jovi, reminded of dancing with Bruce at one of the conventions. Music and dancing are getting me through. Time to phone a friend, to be supportive listening ear and keep in touch as we cannot meet. Had a lovely all to my one of my oldest friends, we met in 1978. tough times for her. Her partner has an official diagnosis of a type of Alzheimer’s. The lockdown, guilt about not going to work to support colleagues. Feeling unsupported by local surgery... we ended the call laughing about something on Facebook she related to me. Was so good to laugh. Earlier I had been so relieved we had not lost any of our Painter family, hoped we would not. Came off the phone and Bruce told me of a member of our Painter family we have lost to the virus. Came right down again. While on the phone to my friend I had shared that I felt I was being held, a warm feeling of someone behind me, with their arms around me. I feel it may have been our friend who passed on. For my part I want to say, “thank you for sharing your life with me” the happy times. 20/4 I feel at peace. How very different from this morning. I woke up, looked out the window at another beautiful sunny day- week 4 of lockdown, and thought of all the NHS staff and all the people who have lost their lives, and sobbed. I feel the NHS are part of my family-such a big part of my life, still have fiends/colleagues and family working within the NHS. Bruce was so understanding, gave me a big hug. I was crying a lot during the “one world” concert last night, the thank you to the NHS, the songs. This morning I wanted to work out, but decided to let my back rest, lot of kneeling and bending weather proofing the summerhouse yesterday. Made my list of priorities (health) for the week. Today contact the dentist, they have been so supportive. Felt I was on hold waiting for call back re more antibiotics, not their fault, but did not want to start anything and miss their call. Call came as I was walking down to get some milk. Antibiotics will be dropped off at home within nest 2-3 hours… Got call from Bruce while in supermarket t- his brother with MS needs supplies. Asked him to text me to show at the till in case I could not have 2 large bottles of milk. At checkout I was told restriction on 1 Bottle only had been lifted. Unless someone was bulk buying. Needed another carrier bag with the shopping as well. Very heavy carrying two bottles of milk, plus jar coffee and cartoon milk all the way home. Thought I might have to miss Qui gong as waiting for antibiotics, but they were delivered 2.30ish…lovely dentist said they would get me in as soon as they are able. So kind and caring. Qui gong was wonderful, just what I needed. As aforementioned I now feel at peace. Few problems with the video link freezing, then echo when we all connected to talk at the end. Wi fi signal low at Rhys’ end. All a learning curve, but still very beneficial. Once the “pause” is lifted I am going to do more classes. In the meantime, I took in courage and wisdom to grow and drive to class in the dark. Also peace and love and joy:) 21/04 Glad to be alive, beautiful walk in the sunshine today, saw the new black calf with its mother, two ducks, did not see the swans today. Came back along the road the supermarket as thought it would be quicker. Took ages to get home, back was whinging and the antibiotics take it out of me.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Text Polly this morning, she is waiting to start back, but waiting for the “red tape” to clear... Feeling a bit useless, want to go back, feel I have not offered enough. Lazy afternoon, just read my book. Lovely social distance hug cartoon text from Cece thank you. Bored this evening, no energy, can’t be bothered to do anything. My bestie got me through, texting me. Beautiful sunset. Saw a fox across the road. Bruce thinks we may have 3 hedgehogs now. Finding 4-week lockdown tough. Missing seeing my friends. Watched episode of Absolutely Fabulous I had not seen before, comedy lifted my spirits. Lots recorded but programmes I watch with Bruce, he is playing online again tonight, which is fine as it helps him get through. I feel it is hard for him working from home while I am not doing anything. O2 have given me free standard calls for the rest of the month., which means I can call more friends, so good to chat rather than just text. Looking forward to tomorrow evening, dinner in our gardens with L & L, social distancing of course. Having to stay up every evening to get 3rd antibiotic in. I am a lot better off than a lot of people, some on the news are pulling out their teeth due to the pain, as they can't get a dental appointment. No PPE, not enough for the NHS and social care workers. Tomorrow is another day. 22/04 Rollercoaster this period in time, and we are the lucky ones who have so much-each other, our health, our friends/family, a garden, nature nearby. We can get out. We have our beautiful cats, we have much love surrounding us. Kia, the 17-year-old girl in the news, a care worker who gave one of the residents a cushions with his wife (deceased) picture on it, tears of joy, a special caring girl. The next wave of hero, those who volunteer, risk their lives and health to trail the Covid 19 vaccine, trial starts tomorrow. Today is a good day, I'm back on track. Had to stay in for a call from GP, do did not work out in case I had to go to the surgery. Rather than waste a morning did loads of ironing, which felt good to achieve. Still loads to do. Ironing is like housework; it never stays done! Got inspire while ironing to make Lockdown Trifle (from what I had in cupboard/fridge). Mini apple loaf chopped up and soaked in sherry, as Louis loves sherry and trifle. Fresh melon chopped in pieces. Readymade jelly mushed up. Mango & passion fruit only had 2 tubs, so 3rd was lemon cheesecake flavour jelly instead. Readymade custard. Topped with blue berries. Served in large wine glasses. No sherry in mine as on antibiotics. I will not be offended if no one eats this if it tastes awful. It’s the thought that counts. Had a text from my friend I was so worried about. She is now recovered from the virus poor girl. Isolated with her two young daughters, she must have been so frightened for them. Decided lazy afternoon as my back is still a bit whingy. Clicked back in place at lunch time, but not sure.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

Beautiful sunny day again, breeze keeps temp comfortable, but too hot for me to sit in the sun. So looking forward to getting together with Lucy and Louis this evening. Have also arranged to collect Bruce’s birthday present from his brothers tomorrow - social distancing of course. Bought it just before Christmas, he has no idea I have it. Do hope he likes it. Thursday tomorrow another week nearly over. Tuesdays were always tough for me, but usually had a visit from my bestie to look forward to. Friday may be tough for Bruce but I am prepared. Friday, Saturday & Sunday with Bruce and Tuesday next week as is his Birthday so day off :) 23/04 Looking at the beautiful sunset over the trees yesterday evening came in and wrote: Why does it take for us to come so close to losing everything that is precious to us, to really appreciate it all Our beautiful world The ones we love even life itself. Did join the hour of meditation and prayer for healing, as invited to do so - only able to join for a short period, but felt a real warmth & feeling of being held. Today have the 2nd CPL virtual cuppa, really looking froward to this. Going to walk down to Alex and Ollie’s to pick up Bruce’s birthday present and hide it. Lovely Lucy said we should have a garden get together (at a safe distance) to celebrate his birthday which is on a Tuesday (games night) so will have it on Sunday instead. Alex is thinking more highly of me than I deserve, for signing up to go back to the NHS, but all I have offered is to work from home. If given the choice to speak to someone, I am happy to go to the college where the cancer patients are being seen. Or even enter the main building and go to the office. I know it is a risk, have to protect my lovely Bruce, but I do need to offer, and to have faith. Everyone was very gracious and enjoyed my lockdown trifle. Just heard from TV (BBC) now April Bowel Cancer Awareness Month, reminds me of when our team used to do awareness campaign for this month. If we even saved one person, it was all worth it. Ahh! My back threatened to seize up, can't even get to my wonderful osteopath. Should have had my 3- month session last week. He kindly rang to advise that phone support was still available. Had to text Bruce to say if I had not text again in 10 minutes to come and help me out the shower. Ok could be 100% worse, at least I can still walk without spasm, and I have not caught the virus. Straight to ice pack & regular analgesia. What next, dodgy tooth, my back- stop whinging. Head too woozy to drive due to pain relief. Really enjoyed CPL virtual cuppa, did not know if I would be able to sit for an hour due to the pain. Managed it, even got on the floor so Pickles could be seen on camera. Was another volunteer from our town today, not met them as they do a different morning, was great to say hello. Think they may have an anxiety problem; I hope seeing someone from the same town did not add to this. Hope I did not make it worse. My lovely friend Lola rang, so good to hear her voice, had to ask to call back as just about to start zoom meet up. Postponed getting Bruce pressie. We decided to have a takeaway. Bruce went down to get milk, I was

Edited for clarity by the researcher

worried for him, being male increases his risk, our local supermarket are great at reducing the number of people in the store, but narrow aisles & some people do not social distance, especially by the alcohol where people queue for one of the checkouts. Bruce experienced that too. Went out to clap for NHS and front-line workers, some of the neighbours were walking around our road, in the middle of the road with saucepans etc to make a noise in support. Invited to join, which I did, was such a laugh & first time no pain. Had to remember to social distance. Nearly every house there was someone lapping, we blew kisses to an elderly lady at her window. She blew kisses back. Due to the shape of our road (round) we only see our immediate neighbours, it was wonderful, felt it brought our community together. After worried in case I was asymptomatic and infected someone. Then worried someone may have put this on Facebook, had not even thought we were breaking the rules and putting NHS lives at risk. So so very sorry. Text my best friend, she reassured me, I had not been out for my hour exercise today, we were social distancing and spreading a bit of cheer. Will I do it again next week? Will have to think on this and talk it through with Lucy. Our lovely friend got his parcel, did not know it was his birthday tomorrow. He text that he was really touched and really cheered him up. Text back was really embarrassed, did not know it was his birthday, so birthday pressie will arrive on convention time (as we often run late due to volume of people). Will this be the year with no convention?! They have said social distancing could last all year and with limited numbers can meet up. It was so good to be able to cheer Paul up, and when I got Kieth’s shopping the other day, was so good to do something for someone else. Just as I was thinking I could do so much more than work from home, my back reminded me that I would not have been able to so today. Feels so hard that staying home is doing my bit, especially as I was so slow and so cowardly in coming forward. Children in Need/ Comic relief big night in, so good to laugh, lifts the spirits. Such a banging headache, probably due to antibiotics, could take Aspirin. Back pain relief is Ibuprofen & paracetamol, so just paracetamol to take the level down a bit. Tomorrow will take Aspirin for my back, can’t put up with the headache. 24/04/20 Woke with banging headache, still is to be expected, but so glad to be alive. So grateful not to be alone, and to have our two beautiful cats. Text Paul Happy Birthday. I do so love my Bruce. I am so very lucky, and I feel so much for those locked in an abusive relationship, trapped by the lockdown, so awful. There are still escape routes, but more difficult to get help. One of the girls at the CPL virtual meetup is a Paws Protect fosterer. She is also training to be a counsellor for CPL. I thought about whether I would use my counselling skills in the role, not sure. The grief at losing our little Trixie (cat) 6 years ago, and the guilt, it as his time, but I still regret not trying for a few more days, so that we could say a proper goodbye. Think I will ring and talk to a counsellor. He had been hanging on for us to come back from our holiday, and I felt I let him down. 18 years old, known as the miracle cat. He survived pancreatitis. Lucy and Louis saved his life. Louis drove through the snow and ice to get him to the vets as we were away for the weekend. It got to the TLC part at home, and he pulled through. Bless you little Trixie, had him from a frightened little kitten with his companion Sponge, who we sadly lost to ill health after 7 years with us. Enough reflecting on old grief. Celebrate life and the human spirit. My back is so

Edited for clarity by the researcher

much better today. Macmillan are in the news today. I wonder if I can do anything as a retired Macmillan CNS, by giving phone support. Think I will contact to see. Have held back from volunteering with human grief until now as was still repairing, now a year on from retiring. Resilience training came in just before I retired, would definitely would have helped if I was going to carry on. Would have done the last 3 years to age 65, or at least a bit longer, if I could have gone part time. We said the first thing we noticed when we retired was the stress melted away. Yesterday in the news even Donald Trump realised it was not the right thing to do but did not stop it. A state in USA is going to allow restaurants, tattoo parlours and nail bars and hairdresser to re-open! USA has the highest rate of infection in the world. Love, laughter, friendship will get us through. I am so touched, a parcel came this morning, thought it was my order from CPL, some things towards a birthday pressie. I opened it, there was a box wrapped in bubble wrap with an envelope marked Jenny. I thought how do they know I am Jenny? It was the most wonderful card from my lovely friend. A friendship bracelet and a thank you for being a best friend. I was so touched. I have two wonderful friends who call me their best friend. I do so I can live up to this, and to be there for them always. Also, a book she had signed by the author, limited edition she had got for me. I had forgotten she had said she was posting me a book, even more special signed limited edition. Thank you so much Louise. Rang to straight away to say thank you. She is such a wonderful friend. She felt the lockdown was going on so long and we are not allowed to see anyone, that it would lift my spirits. I feel very humble, such a kind and thoughtful gift. Had an email copied in to check that DGH had my papers, and been in touch, always come on a Friday-will not overshadow the weekend. Need to feel useful. Question is do I go into the college or DGH. My friend, in my old team has had the virus, thankfully recovered, at least 30 years younger than me. Brings up the question of risk to my loved one, and of course myself, will need to pray for guidance. 26/04/20 I’m bored with the lockdown, I’m not going to be stupid, but it is tough at times. I want to cry; I am so scared my best friend will get fed up with me - she is so supportive. Yesterday lovely walk with my loved one, beautiful sunshine but the wind was really chilly. Felt exhausted when we got back-a bit worried about virus, but rationalised is the antibiotics, seem to have alternate days of feeling exhausted. Watched another episode of Devs, brilliant. Glad I waited to watch all of the 1 st episode with Bruce, he really enjoyed it. Watched comedy programmes, laughter is a real tonic during these times. Still working through Ab Fab 1 st series, seen some before but so worth watching, still very funny. Missed 1st 11mins of Paul, brilliant so funny, reminds me some friends thought we might have gone to see it on Valentine’s day as we are such sci fi fans. Also watched 2 episodes of Father Ted. Yesterday lady in news, terminal cancer:( videoed her wishes for end-of-life care at home with her loved one holding her hand. I think this included getting Covid 19, was to get people talking about their wishes. Told Bruce he is to stay home, to not risk getting ill. That I need him to look after our little girls (cats) and to be happy again. Now I am crying as I write this, I love him so much. I now know I would not want to die alone, but poor nurse would be risking their lives. He said it won’t happen, out dying of Covid, he can’t talk about it, his way of coping. A few minutes later he said same for him (as I wished), but won’t happen.

Edited for clarity by the researcher

What to do when social distancing over and restriction lifted:

• Hug my best friend.

• Make hair appointment.

• See Dentist.

• See osteopath.

• Get back to CPL.

• Meet my friends.

• Exercise. A young girl & chap, both who have struggles with eating problems, talking about struggling with food, how lockdown has affected their mental health. Selfish me can so identify with the lack of exercise and fear of weight gain. Started to increase my aerobic exercise, but my back pulls me back. Have only managed a walk, not even brisk, and not every day for over a week. At least have not had full blown back seize for which I am so grateful. Waiting for Sunday service on Radio 4, will listen on TV radio channel. I started off in despair, maybe not the depths, but in despair. This week the theme “Hope in times of despair”. I started off in despair, now I am filled with hope. A hospital chaplain spoke of a dying man, who needed to feel forgiveness for the breakup of his marriage, his family and children have forgiven him. For the first time I was truly able to forgive my ex, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for helping me to truly forgive and move on. My ex and his partner/wife and any who have hurt me know true forgiveness. I truly forgive you. I feel blessed, enriched, and up lifted. I have my beautiful Pickles on my lap - contentment. Watching an episode of Britain’s got talent, watch for the awful bits, was moved to tears by a father, who sang while playing the piano, His youngest son was moved to tears - the love of both his sons. He so deserved the “golden button”. Had a brief look at “My Cat from Hell” but did not want to upset Pickles with cats in distress. Was so inspired by the couple who foster blind cats, who were inspired by a lady who wrote a book about adopting a blind kitten. They fulfilled the need to reach out from themselves and help others, to do more (not an exact quote). To reach out of ourselves and do more for others. The unsung heroes who support us day to day. The loved ones we love with. Our friends. Our family. It’s about supporting each other, being kind to each other and to ourselves. The last is the hardest bit to do. I am sure there are a lot of recurring themes. I know when I do read back through this, maybe I may learn something, evolve to be a better person. Finding my writing is cathartic, helping me through. How much to share? How much to expose for the benefit of others? Dear, dear Lucy and Louis, cake & G&Ts in the garden for Bruce’s birthday, as Tuesday weather is not looking so good. I had coffee as still on antibiotics. A makes the most delicious cakes. Saw an egret & a Heron on our walk today. Wind still chill, but beautiful sunshine. 2 episodes of DEVS this morning, still is a day of rest. Needing to ration good TV. Was worried about Bruce this afternoon, said he was just tired and did doze off. I went to work on the stairs to give him some space. Still can’t register on mandatory training online, so emailed support team. Only

Edited for clarity by the researcher

one more to do thankfully, then loads of catch-up modules. Rang one of my friends for a catch up, but must text her tomorrow as forgot to ask about her parents. Need to catch up with Paula tomorrow. Watching Ab Fab again. This has been a tough and mixed week, but only one antibiotic left until the next round. I am so fed up taking antibiotics, making me so tired. Poor Spanish children, have not been allowed out for 42 days, now allowed out for an hour a day, makes me appreciate even more now how lucky we are. We should have been travelling home tonight, with 3 ½ day turn around until driving to Birmingham on Thursday for 4 nights. Would only have stayed 2 nights in London if we had been able to go. (2 conventions almost back-to-back). Had a pattern for outfit to be made for the weekend, oh well maybe another time, but will have to wait dress makers to open again.